Episode Report Card Sara M: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Let's Not, and Say We Did
By Sara M | Season 3 | Episode 9 | Aired on 11.22.1998
On the lame clear phone, Lucy tells Jordan that she doesn't want to go out with a group tonight -- she wants to be alone with him. "I don't know what's going on here," Jordan says, "but you and I both know that your parents prefer that we hang with a group. And I can't even imagine asking your dad if it'd be okay if we took a little moonlight drive to nowhere." "So don't ask," Lucy says, lowering her voice to sound all sexy-like. "What? Why are you whispering?" Jordan asks, obviously Not Getting It. In more ways than one, now. Lucy drops the sultry tone and shrewishly demands that Jordan pick her up at 8, then hangs up on him. Mary comes in and nosily asks what's going on. Before Lucy can answer her, loud music wafts into the room from downstairs.
It turns out that the kitchen is the source of the music, as we see Annie and two pregnant teenage girls dancing around the counter island to the "The Locomotion." Sigh. They are instructed to "swing [their] hips now," which one of them does so forcefully that I am concerned for the safety of her baby. All three women appear to be enjoying themselves immensely, thus making me wonder how two teenagers so lame managed to get kissed, let alone have sex. Oh, by the way, Babs is played by Alison "always plays fourteen-year-olds" Lohman and Cassie is played by Christine "not Staci Keanan" Lakin. I'll bet neither of them puts this show on their résumés now. Well, Alison probably doesn't, anyway. Mary and Lucy come downstairs to see Cassie pretending to sing into a big wooden spoon while Annie do-si-dos with Babs. How do I know they were do-si-doing? Let's just say that I had a very strange childhood. Mary and Lucy start doing the butt-bump dance, at which point Cassie runs over to the radio and shuts it off. Thanks, Cassie.
Annie introduces Mary and Lucy to Babs and Cassie, and Lucy tells them that she's fifteen and Mary is sixteen, even though no one asked about their ages. Babs and Cassie say that they're both sixteen. Mary and Lucy respond to this by rudely staring at them, futilely trying to conceal their disgust. Annie asks whether Mary and Lucy want to join in their vegetarian babyfood bake-a-rama. Lucy says she can't because she's having burgers with Jordan. Cassie says that, seven months ago, she too went out for a burger, and look at her now. Babs says that she went out for sushi. They ate raw fish and then had sex? That is some strong willpower, there. The two girls laugh heartily while Mary and Lucy look uncomfortable. Annie drills Lucy about where she and Jordan are going and who else is going with them. Lucy's slight reluctance to respond prompts the Pregnant Peanut Gallery to comment that they used to be just like Lucy when their parents asked them questions. So is this show trying to say that teens who don't provide their parents with instant answers to their questions must be going off to have unprotected sex? That's just fabulous. Mary and Lucy say goodbye to the girls, then make a quick exit before they catch pregnant. Cassie feels her baby kick, but the happy moment soon turns sad because nothing about an illegitimate teenage pregnancy can ever be happy or good like a married woman's pregnancy. Cassie mournfully says she wishes that she could keep the baby inside her until she's ready for it, which would be after she graduates school and gets a job. The baby's going to be three years old by then! That's going to be one painful labor and delivery. Annie says that she will help Cassie get all the things she wants for herself and her baby, which is funny considering that we never hear from her again, although she does appear briefly in the hundredth episode. Babs says that she wishes she could go back seven months and tell her boyfriend that she didn't have to "prove anything" to him, "so back off!" Sad music plays, because when teenagers have sex, it's really sad. Annie hugs Babs comfortingly, but you know she's really thinking that the girl is an evil whore who will one day burn in the fires of hell for her lascivious behavior.