Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT ...And Wash Away The Rain
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 3 | Aired on 04.01.1999
Speak of the chili-sniffer. Matala comes in and thanks D'Argo for letting them borrow his workbench. Um, you're welcome? "Are you repairing something?" she asks, picking up some kind of Luxan thingy. "Uh, building something." She deduces that it's a "shilquin," and we don't know what that is yet, and when we find out in four weeks, we'll wish we hadn't, because it's very, very heartbreaking. He's all, "You like Bendis too?" like they are soulmates, and she wriggles and undulates and is gross some more. "I've always taken special interest in Luxan objects. The workmanship is exquisite. Your hands are quite skilled." John comes in calling for D'Argo before she can single that entendre up for him, and John gets bashful when he sees Matala, because...you know how you might have a sex dream about somebody innocuous, like a coworker or something, and then the next day you see them and you want to put on all the clothes you ever owned and also a blindfold? Now imagine that person is a totally freaky Debi Mazar alien who's sniffing everybody's chili. D'Argo, adorably, gets very yelly and hail-fellow-well-met with John: "Friend! Crichton!" They are both so out of their minds, it's awesome. John begs D to come conference with him, and D'Argo hesitates and then follows him out. Alone with Verell in the bay, Matala hisses. "Trouble."
John asks D'Argo if Ilanics have magic chili powers like pheromones or mind control or something, "psychic Spanish Fly," because he's wigging. D'Argo gets very huffy and wants to know what the problem is, and John shakes his head, reading him perfectly. "No, no no. This has nothing to do with you." He tries to talk about the sex stuff, mucking it all up as usual, trying to make it clear that this is not coming from his direction, and just making it worse and worse. "...It's real. I can feel her. I can touch her." D'Argo invades his space a little bit and orders John to remove her from his thoughts and stop fantasizing. John's like, "I'm trying," but D just growls and stomps off.
Flash, and John's got Aeryn suddenly there demanding to know where D'Argo is, and whether or not he's still puppy-dogging the Ilanics. He's disoriented, so Aeryn waves her hand around in front of him, then disappears. He wows some more, and then Aeryn approaches, demanding to know where D'Argo is, and whether or not he's still puppy-dogging the Ilanics. He's disoriented, so Aeryn waves her hand around in front of him. "Did you hear me?" He's like, "Yes, dude. Twice." She pronounces him "odd" and takes off. John starts talking to himself, like always. "That just happened. That was real. That happened. Which means...I'm not hallucinating. So if I'm not hallucinating, then...I'm seeing the future." Matala shimmies past in the corridor and gives John some amount of heat. "Oh, boy. That's the future." Fight the future!