Episode Report Card Keckler: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A Sexperiment in Criticism
By Keckler | Season 3 | Episode 15 | Aired on 02.10.2004
Stella Cartography. May-Heavy-Weather -- who might very well be in this room for the first time ever -- tells Quantum that they're working on getting around the cheese. T'Pol tells Quantum that the cheese is growing and is exactly equidistant from five of the spheres. Quantum wonders if the cheese was created by the spheres. T'Pol thinks it's possible, and shows him a planet that was engulfed a long time ago. The planet is now lifeless; the alien could be the last survivor. T'Pol agrees. Quantum orders T'Pol to examine the pod with Trip.
Hayes demonstrates how to best deal with people who let their dogs stand on their car dashboards with their heads lolling out the open windows. He tells everyone to break up into sparring partners to practice what they just saw. The Uh-Ohs are uniformly togged out in brown shirts and those paint-spattered pants of theirs. By comparison, the senior officers look undisciplined and unmatched. T'Pol's wearing a tight (because she has no other size. In fact, all her clothes have either "T" for "tight," "VT" for "very tight," and "NQSTBTVR" for "not quite so tight but still very revealing") grey sleeveless catsuit. Okay, I have to tell you the honest-to-dog truth: this is the exact point where I suddenly got very dizzy and then started throwing up for the rest of the night. I'm not kidding. I'm not drawing parallels between what T'Pol's wearing and me having the urge to empty my stomach contents; I'm just saying it happened. Whatever conclusions you draw will be your own. Trip's in a tight red t-shirt and grey pants, May-Heavy-Weather's in a tight blue sleeveless v-necked top, Hoshi's in a midriff-bearing grey yoga bra and grey pants, and Malcolm's in a blue shirt and light blue pants. This episode of Enterprise brought to you by Athleta and Adidas.
Naturally, Trip pairs up with Not'pol, who rolls her shoulders and walks over to him with a strangely manly gait. They all spar with black leather gloves, protecting their partner's faces from their knuckles. They aren't boxing gloves -- more like leather fingerless mittens. Sort of like Oliver Twist meets a dominatrix. Once or twice, T'Pol looks over at Trip to see what he and Not'pol are doing. Not'pol wrenches Trip down to the floor, smiles, claps his chest, and helps him to his feet. T'Pol narrows her eyes as she continues to hold her own partner down by his hair. Trip gets up, and Not'pol smacks him in the ass. T'Pol lets her own partner up, still looking at Trip, and takes one in the face. Trip seems a bit distracted by T'Pol rolling at his feet, and Not'pol is distracted by Trip's distraction. Oh, this is all too Melrose Space for me. An Uh-Oh spars with May-Heavy-Weather in front of the class. Hayes shouts out comments like "Nice cross," and "Excellent," which gives Malcolm a sour milk face. May-Heavy-Weather flips his opponent onto the mat, and Malcolm smirks. The Uh-Oh takes May-Heavy-Weather down with what I consider unnecessary roughness, especially since May-Heavy-Weather has a bloodied lip when he gets up. "You were watching his hands when you should've been watching his eyes," Hayes directs. May-Heavy-Weather wipes his lip, grins at his opponent, and says, "Good match!" as they shake hands. Hayes announces a break, but Malcolm totally wigs out and embarrasses himself by announcing that everyone's had enough for one day. Hayes stares at him and finally says, "Okay, for next time work on the forearm blocks and elbow strikes." Reed dismisses everyone and jerks a hand at Hayes. Hayes follows him, and Reed proceeds to chew him out for letting the May-Heavy-Weather spar go too far. "It's just a little blood, sir," Hayes argues. Reed tells him that if his men (ahem, and WOMEN) can't understand that, he'll put a stop to the drills. Uh, Limey? I think Quantum might have a thing or two to furrow about that. Hayes says he understands. "Jolly good," Reed snits, and walks away.