Oh, that's a bad title. It's just a bad, bad title. Let me tell you something about comedy. Sometimes, something is so bad that your head starts making up the jokes for you to tell about it, but then they start piling up on top of each other -- and those jokes start ripping off of the other jokes and by the time your mouth catches up to the whirlwind inside your head, your mouth spits out, "Well, she ain't just spinning plates in Guam!" This is, of course, the funniest thing you've ever said, but it would take days to explain why. Just know that spinning plates in Guam is comedy gold, people.
Last one, kids. Take a deep breath.
Previously on Young Americans: Bella gives her "What I Did On Summer Vacation" speech about meeting her "real father," wanting to bang Scout and getting packages from her mother. Will and Ryder fight over Caroline, and they show that bit where Will pushes Ryder to the ground. Will makes this sound that's like Lisa Simpson failing gym while he pushes. The Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love always make my cat rub his head against my arm. What's up with that? Terri shoots Verve down when he tries to create their Ultimate Love Dorm. Strange that they'd put those last two segments in there, since they have nothing to do with this episode at all.
I take an entire bottle of Baby Shampoo and pour it directly into my eyes because it boldly claims, "No More Tears." I truly believe Johnson and Johnson would never lie to me.
Shot of sunset rowing. Will's voice-over begins: "Every day the mystery of life unfolds." mmmmmmmm-wwhhhh-aaaAAHHHH! AAHH-HHHURWRAHHH. AHH. AH! AH! WAAAH! WEAEAAAAH! Hummrruuuh. Huuunhh. Huhn. Huhn. Huhn. Snirf. Snirf. Huh. Hih. Hih. Hi-HIH-hih. Mm. Mm. Huhhhhh. Damn you, Johnson and Johnson. "And every night we go to sleep not quite sure that we solved it. But today, on this last day of summer session..." Half-naked boy walks through hallway crowded with other boys. "I woke up sure of one thing." Cancellation? "Me." Oh.
Will finds Scout packing up the last of his things in the dorm. He says they're the last of his things, but the room is still full of stuff. Will stands by a Goo Goo Dolls poster (Goo Goo Dolls. Produced by WB Records. Who'd have thunk it?) as Scout asks whether Will would consider coming on vacation with him if he paid for his own ticket. Will says he'd like "nothing better than to spend the rest of the summer with [him] in St. Martin." Oh, I've heard that line before. He says he'd feel like a "total moocher" if he did, though. Will says staying in the dorms by himself will guarantee he "owns the place," and probably Finn will be there all alone with him, too. Who gets to stay in a dorm when the school is closed? Will says he needs to [blow Finn for an A?] work as much as he can. Scout says the offer still stands. Will thanks him. It's very dark in the room. Scout picks up his bag and says that it's his last shift at work. Quick bad edit where Will's hand is both by his side and in the air as he says that they should celebrate tonight. "Okay," Scout says. He pats Will's tummy and turns to leave. As Scout turns back around, he says, "Wait. Think of it this way. My parents aren't going to be there, and I'll be lonely, and I'd like your company." Huh. Scout is such rich, horny, Rawley boy bait. He's going to an island by himself? Isn't he fifteen? I don't understand rich-kid vacations. If he's going by himself, how can he just take Will? You can just take a friend to the Caribbean? Aren't there laws? Will waves bye-bye to Scout. Scout turns back around as Finn looms into the doorway. Scout offers, "Two words: topless beaches." Will coughs because he can't have Finn thinking he's into girls. "Mister Calhoun," Finn drools, and the battle of the button-down blue shirts has begun. Scout's pecs fear the stubble of Finn, so they leave, claiming they'll see him in the fall. Riiight.
"Will, you got a minute?" Finn shuts himself into Will's room and turns around. Will is lying on his bed. Hi, this isn't creepy at all. Can't they just have conferences in offices like everyone else? Why the bed? Why the door closing? Why? WHY? "What'd I do now?" Will asks from his reclined position. "Impressed all of your teachers." They laugh for a bit. First -- ew. Second -- teachers? Crazy close-up on Finn as he lifts his eyebrows and makes sixteen little rows in the top of his head. He smiles and says that Will should be very proud of himself. Finn then lowers all facial muscles and gets deep: "There is one thing I gotta talk to you about, though. Your scholarship." Will leans towards Finn in the bed and asks what's up. Finn talks to Will like he's a retarded llama and says that the company that funds his scholarship is "making cut-backs" and has pulled the funds for his scholarship. Finn reaches into his bag and pulls out a handful of papers and envelopes. He says that they are applications for scholarships. "I've already filled out a couple for you myself." I'd like to read the essays on those. Will looks at the forms and says that he missed the deadlines on them. "Yeah, you did," Finn nods. "Fall semester." Will asks what that means. Finn tells him that he'll have to take a semester off and "go home, go to Edmon High." Finn's voice gets even more sinister as he says that Will is welcome to stay "here in the dorms" until he figures out what he's going to do. "What if this doesn't work out?" Will whines. Finn says he'll do everything he can to "move it along as quickly as possible." "Great," Will pouts. So...Will's just going to live in the dorms all by himself because he lost his scholarship for the summer school on the last day of summer school? When did this become a permanent prep school? Oh. My. God. Be prepared for the gayest scene in television history. As Will looks down and tears begin to break out on his face, we hear the sounds of boys making a ruckus in the hallway. Finn turns around to find out what the commotion is and the door busts open. Boys run in screaming, carrying pillows and water guns and begin attacking Finn. Feathers are flying all over the place (Waitress, can I order some tar?) as the boys continue hooting and hollering. I think one boy isn't wearing a shirt. Through the feathers we see poor, forlorn Will, giving a grimace about his Townie Luck, and how he's never going to have one good day in his life. More pillows are ripped up as all of Scout's belongings are trashed by these young teenagers. Finn flips his head, splashing water, hair and feathers all over the place, and I have to divert my eyes for a second as I think my spleen is threatening to fly out of my nose. We go straight into creepy slow motion, as Will blinks and looks straight at Finn. Ugghghghhghghhh. Finn is in slow motion, his wet hair clinging to the sides of his face. His mouth is open, and his tongue is right on the tip of his upper lip. He's making direct eye contact with Will as they stare at each other. The other boys whoop and continue their pillow fight as Will and Finn continue being secret lovers. That's what they are. Trying so hard to hide the way they feel. Will stares at Finn. Finn stares at Will. The background music tries to convince me that this is "heart-touching," and not "NAMBLA-porn." Not working. More feathers and we fade to black.
I'll never be clean again.
Our last dance with the opening credits. They've replaced every Crew member with an open bottle of Coca-Cola. Bella's got one Coke eye and one Diet Coke eye. Terri bathes herself in Sprite. Verve is naked with some polar bears. Finn has a Coke bottle sticking out of his pants. Man, I'm gonna miss that one bit with naked Scout, Will and Verve all smiling in love with each other. I might keep that part on tape for lonely nights. I also feel ripped off that we never saw the scene where Scout grabs Bella's titties and pulls her into his innertube. Total gyp.
It's like saying goodbye all over again. "Young Americans is brought to you by Coca-Cola." I am drinking a Red Bull. Ha! Take that, you bastards. I've given up on your product. Just kidding. I ran out of Diet Coke.
And here's what I hate about the Coke commercial with the two "Best Friends" graduating: Why does the blonde ask, "Because I'm prettier than you are?" And then the brunette with glasses has to shout, "No! Because you're stupid!" Don't we have enough stereotypes during the show itself?
The number one movie in America is Bring It On. Best. Movie. Ever.
Will emerges from the darkened dorm room to the darkened dorm hallway carrying one small box. One small box of hope. One small box of his dreams. Sorry. I've been listening to one too many of Will's voice-overs. No more! Hee. Overlapping slow-motion shots of Will walking lull me into a coma. Some kid behind him juggles. I hope there are more pointless scenes like this. Ooh! Here's one!
People walk down Main Street. Bella emerges from a shop drinking coffee. She waves at some people. Terri approaches on her motorcycle. They say hi as Terri stops her bike. Terri talks like she thinks maybe Townies are both stupid and volatile [good lesson learned there, Ter] and says, "I was just...on my way...to see you. There's something wrong with my bike." She says she needs it fixed because she's riding it back to New York tomorrow. Bella leans down to the bike, squints and asks Terri what her plans are for the rest of the summer. Terri says that her mom is only going to be home for a couple of days before "she has to go away." She continues squinting and says, "And after that, probably everything I'm not supposed to." Bella laughs and stands up, and then squats down again. She looks away and back, away and back and then whispers, "That cute guy over there is so checking you out." Terri looks terrified because it's kicked off the Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love, and Verve is nowhere to be found. She's not ready for a completely new Non-Gay Affair yet. Bella points out the "cute guy" and we see a pair of the hugest legs attached to Small Torso Coffee-Drinking Guy. A close-up reveals that this guy was merely drinking coffee and then went back to his Wall Street Journal. Terri laughs, nods her head and says, "Yeah, but as a guy or as a girl?" "Oh, right!" Bella whispers. Terri keeps on nodding (any minute I swear she's going to say, "Ay! Al-lex!") and says that it can get confusing. "And a little disconcerting." Bella rolls her eyes with an "Oh, God!" and gets embarrassed for Terri. She stops leaning over to announce that there's a "kink" in Terri's "vacuum line." Bella says that if Terri can leave the bike with her until this afternoon, she'll fix it. "Yeah! I'll give you a ride back!" Because there've been an awful lot of scenes purely to satisfy the prurient interests of those who love boys, the WB puts a couple of chicks on a motorcycle for the rest of you who miss Whitesnake and Warrant. Aw, yeah. One's maybe even a lesbian.
Teleportation. Bella is now squinting and holding a tool near Terri's bike, so we know she went straight to work. Will "LaChance" Krudski comes wandering up holding his box of pity. He says hi to Bella. She turns, laughs and asks him if he's "running away from home." He did that already, remember? Like, two episodes ago. Didn't even have time to take the dartboard from over the television set. "If I had one," Will laments. Oh, Will. The Townie Battle Cry. Hear its sweet, sweet song. Will executes a few sighs to recap the creepy scene with Finn and sum up, "I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do." He says he knows he's not going to stay the rest of the summer in the dorms. "That's for sure." Um, why? Dude. Free room and board. Oh, right. Finn. Bella asks if Will is going to go home. "I can't do that. It's kind of up in the air, still." He says his dad doesn't want him there. Bella offers a place at her house, for as long as he needs. Will asks her to not tell Scout about all of this. "His biggest problem is being lonely in St. Martin," he whines. "He would just feel obligated to fix this." Because Scout has done so much for all of his friends this summer. The conversation is interrupted by Bella's Dad #2ish shouting, "No, you listen to me!" As we hear him shout, "This is our home!" Will asks Bella what's going on. She says she doesn't know. #2ish is still shouting loudly enough for all of New Rawley to be up in his bidness as Bella hears him say, "I live here with my daughters!" Bella tells Will she'll be right back and walks over to the gas station as #2ish is still screaming, "You mean that...that this building is going to go on auction week?" Bella breaks into a run but slows down to walk into the gas station and stands in front of a COCA-COLA sign. Outside Will realizes that if he stays around long enough, he might not have the biggest problem. For the sake of his journal, he walks away. Bella's dad is still shouting and screaming about it being "put in the paper last night," as Bella watches him run around. "Listen to me! You have...Listen! You listen to me! This might just be a bunch of paperwork to you..." Bella exhales and notices that Will has walked off. She walks over to the window to make sure, licks her lips twice and says, "Will," exhales and walks out of the station. Hey, Bella? I know you're not sure which daddy is your dearest? But he's talking about your home and "auction." You might want to stick around. Fine. Don't listen to me.
You asked for it. You got it. Verve enters a bathroom wearing only a towel around his waist. "Just...hang on a second," he says to Terri, who is walking up behind him. He says he won't even use soap, and puts his bar of soap on the ground. "Ugh, gross!" Terri says. Verve gets into a shower (still in towel) as Terri stands by the sinks. "I'm not gonna see you for like, a month," Verve whines. Terri fixes her hair in the mirror and tells him to come visit her in New York. She says that her mother will be gone until September. Man, these kids sure get to be alone a lot for fifteen-year-olds. Verve pokes his head out from the shower curtain and says that he's got "a better idea." He asks her to come join him. "Sheah, right!" Terri smiles. Verve says, "Come on." "You're serious?" Terri lifts an eyebrow. "Yeah, what's the big deal?" Terri puffs and says, "Well, showering together is a big deal." She says that's more of a "freshman year in college kind of thing." Word. "Be a great story for my freshman year in college," Verve smiles. Terri laughs and says that's what she's afraid of. Verve turns on the charm and oozes, "It's our last day together." Oh, all right. I take off all of my clothes and stand in my shower, waiting for our big moment. I won't even use soap, either, Vervalicious.
Terri says that she has to go and pick up her bike from the gas station. "It'll be romantic," Verve says. I'm starting to get cold in the shower, and the laptop doesn't balance so easily to the soap dish, so I haul my naked self over to the television and put some shampoo on the screen. The scene jumps, however, and now it looks like Terri is foaming at the mouth. Ooh! Ooh! Verve squints his eyes and the blue rays of lust come shooting out and hit me in my special place and before Terri can decide to go soap up, I'm already sitting back on my futon smoking a cigarette (Hi, thetruth.com. It hurts, doesn't it? The truth?). Terri says, "Okay," and the Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love go into the extended dance remix as Verve realizes that she actually said "okay." She laughs and starts to take off her clothes. Verve giggles a bit as well. She takes off her jacket and leans back against the sink to kick off her shoes. "I can't believe I'm doing this." "Yay!" Verve says. Whee! Terri looks at Verve. Close up on Verve as he growls. Ooooohhhmmmmmm. I need another cigarette. Terri starts taking off her tank top as she tells Verve not to get "too wild," and for a second it looks like she stopped shaving her underarms. Oh, no. It's just that it's always dark in Rawley Academy. The better to Finn you with. She takes off her Ace bandage and stands in her maroon panties and white bra. If you had told me a year ago that I'd be typing this sentence tonight I would have said that, not only were you high, but I'd like to know what crap-ass Romance novel chain I was writing for. As Terri reveals her Jacqueline's Secrets, she orders Verve to "turn around." He does. Aaaaaand then he doesn't. I mean, it's not like he's not going to see them in three seconds anyway. She walks towards him, peeling her bra off, showing us mad ass cheeks and then they stand the required one-inch space from each other. "Hey," Verve says, all smiles. He stares right at her breasts as she lowers her bra and then looks back at her. We can see the drool.
Panty raid! Panty raid! Finn walks into the bathroom holding a Super Soaker, and covered in feathers. If you had told me a year ago that I'd be writing that sentence tonight I would have said that not only were you on crack, but I'd like to know what crap-ass gay-porn chain I was writing for. Terri covers her dirty pillows and bends forward shouting, "Finn!" Verve, always ready to handle pressure, shuts himself back into the shower. Finn still stands there confused as Terri lunges for her clothing shouting, "Oh, my God." "Jake?" Finn asks, with a look of utter confusion. It clearly reads, "Normally I'd be very excited seeing a half-naked boy running around the boys showers that I can just walk into at any time because I'm the only adult at Rawley Academy. Why is this young, nubile boy doing absolutely nothing for me? I'm holding my Super Soaker erect, my hair is still wet and clinging to chicken fur, and I'm wearing my soft, baggy chinos that I wore the night I dressed Will in my clothing. These things alone should give me the ultimate sexual energy. But I look at this half-naked boy and...nothing." "Finn!" "Ooh. Is that Verve in the shower? Thank the gods." Finn turns back around with the "Der?" face as Terri hauls ass out of the bathroom. There is movement from behind Verve's shower curtain. Finn, completely sexually confused, has nothing left to do but stare at the floor and work on his forehead furrows.
Wackiness! Terri races across the dorm hall and skitters into a still-toweled Verve, who is walking from the other direction. He asks where she's going. As she runs she says that she has to leave. He tries to run after her, but he's not wearing any clothes. And he's suddenly dripping wet. Did he panic and take the shower anyway...or did the sight of Finn while he was naked prompt him to Silkwood himself? Terri apologizes and runs off. Verve grabs himself close enough to his own crotch that I go lunging for more cigarettes, wiping the sweat from my brow, and we watch Verve do the half-naked-very-wet dance in the middle of the hallway. He then runs off, so I can watch half-naked, mostly-wet Verve ass cheeks dance inside the angry towel. Saint Clares, I love the shit out of you. ["We did it for the readers, not you." -- Saint Clare II]
I think that last scene turned me into a gay man. Wait. Hold on. Yesss. I'm now a gay man. Greens look even greener, whites are an even brighter white, and...yes, even my Coca-Cola tastes just a bit sweeter. Now if only I could be a pretty gay man, instead of this awkward gay man I've become. Oh, please let me be a pretty gay man so I can make hot, sweaty, sexy gay love with Verve. Jesus, that would be so sweet. Oh, yes. That would be fantastic!
["Oh, dear God. What have we done?" -- Saint Clare I]
Hey, hey, the Bankruptcy Diner's got a rush! Three whole customers! This doesn't stop Scout from ceasing all work when Bella rushes in and asks whether Will is there. Scout says that Will isn't there and that he thought maybe Bella was coming by to say goodbye to him. "I leave tomorrow." Bella acts like a fly just flew in front of her face and says, "Oh, God, Scout. That's right." Bad dub then says, "Have you seen Will?" Scout makes the, "Hello? I just said I was leaving? Me? The brother you've been in love with for eight weeks?" face and says, "No." He asks her, "What's up?" Bella starts her bad lying saying that nothing's wrong. Bella then says, "You know what? It's fine. It's fine." Scout comes from behind the counter to stop her from leaving and recaps the last three minutes. She says she "just really needs" to find Will. Scout asks if Will is in trouble. She says she promised Will she wouldn't say anything. Push, pull, push, pull, you know the drill. She tells Scout everything and then hikes up her skirt a little more and shows her world to him. Basically. She goes into a bunch of sighs and lip licks and makes Scout promise not to say anything about him knowing. He says that if he sees Will he'll just tell him that she was looking for him. Bella thanks him and we're treated to five extreme close-ups of Bella and Scout looking in different directions. As she turns to go he stops her and asks if he's going to ever see her again. She smiles, squints and whispers, "I'll come by later." You can almost hear Scout's penis smack the polyester of his work pants.
Bella walks back to Ye Olde Gas Pumpe and finds one of her dads -- the one they call "Charlie" just to keep it simple -- walking out of the station like he's modeling his coveralls. "Hi, baby," he growls, and licks his lips. He really does, y'all. I'm crazy-nauseous. She asks what all of the yelling was about earlier. He says that everything is fine and tells her to finish up the bike. They've got Bella on the ground and Charlie on this porch thing so he looks like he might be tall enough to be her father. Bella crosses her arms and demands to know what's going on. Hey, Bella? We ALL heard it! He was shouting it to all of New Rawley. The shot was from outside the gas station. Charlie is really the poor man's Bill Paxton, (or a poor man's Vince McMahon, for those WWF fans out there. WWF and YA go hand-in-man-love-hand, after all.). UnVince (as he shall be known for the last episode) sits down and tells Bella that her mother never put his name on the deed to the station. He says they're putting the building up for auction week. "Auction!" Bella screeches. He says that he's not going to let them, and that he'll figure something out. "Well, God, we live here. Can't we just...get our name on the deed or something?" "Yeah. Probably. That's probably what's going to happen." Wow. Townie Law is so much simpler. My mother has spent the past three months trying to get the rights to the land behind my grandmother's house since she passed away. And that's in Stratford, Connecticut. That's more Townie than New Rawley could ever strive for. It puts the "ow" in "Townie." UnVince tells Bella not to worry, to finish up the bike and to "stop bugging [him]." He laughs, smiles, and caresses the back of her head while kissing her as a piercing flute note flips the remote control from my table and stabs me between my eyes. It's like getting stuck inside the soundtrack to Titanic. Bella has to lick her lips and look down frequently to soak this all in as UnVince walks away (That's "UnVince" as in "UnconVincing"). She turns around, exhales, gives a good licking, and walks off-screen. Close-up on her crotch as she sits down and clasps her hands. Pan up as the music swells ultra-dramatically as Bella looks to the heavens. A flock of ducks flies overhead. Hi, Young Americans? The Sopranos called. They want their symbolism back. And they said you'd better get it dry-cleaned first. We watch Bella get choked up and nervous for another thirty seconds. UnVince tosses a rag and walks into the station. Bella exhales, purses her lips, exhales and then proudly stands up. She closes her eyes as she stands directly beneath an American flag. Why it isn't at half-mast for the death of this show, we'll never know. Bella puffs herself up, shakes her head, squints and swallows. "Not without one hell of a fight," she chokes out. Oh, God! You can take away her incest, but you can't take away...her FREEDOM!
It's funny. The Monroe H.S. Basketball Team has the same warm-up exercise that I do forty-four minutes before Young Americans starts. Except I don't beat up the back of a bus seat. I just slam my fists into my own face. It helps. Thanks for asking.
Bella walks by Terri's bike and throws a tiny backpack into the Truck of Constant Repair as Terri comes running up panting, asking if her bike is ready. Bella asks what's wrong. Terri is still gulping for air as she says, "My teacher. He...I don't know." Exactly. She says she has to get out of there because she "got caught." "Oh, God, Jake," Bella says with an exhale, like it's all Terri's fault. Does anyone else think it's strange that they still call her Jake when they know she's a girl? Bella apologizes and says that the bike isn't ready yet. Terri asks how long it's going to take. Bella says she has a "family emergency" and that she has to go to Carson. Carson, that's the place with the late-night Post Office. You know, the Big City. Terri asks how far away Carson is. "About forty miles north of here," Bella says. Now, if you remember the time that the kids stole Ryder's car for the second time you'll know that you can get to Carson in less than half an hour in a Rich-Boy Machine, just in time to make your essay-postmark deadline. Terri says that Bella will have to take her with her. Terri says that she can't stay there and that she'll get on "a train or a bus or something" when she gets to Carson. Bella asks where Verve is. "I don't know, he's freaking out. I'll deal with him later." Bella does a few exhales and says, "Okay. Let's go." They walk slowly over to the truck, because they are pressed for time. I think it's the background music that's slowing them down. Terri asks why they're going to Carson. Bella acts terribly annoyed and raises her hands and says, "Okay, no questions. It's kind of a secret and I don't want to discuss it, okay?" Terri, who just told Bella all of her secrets, backs off and takes the gracious route. Terri takes off her jacket and announces that if she's going to run out of town she's "going to need Bonny. Not Clydes." She grabs and wiggles her breasts for emphasis. Bella laughs and pulls out a skirt that young Grace must have left in the back seat after last Saturday night's date. Terri declares it "cute" and has Bella "block" her with the truck door so she can change. In another moment for the lesbian fetishists out there, Bella leans down and yanks the jeans off Terri's legs. Terri stands up and puts her breasts in Bella's face as she wiggles her hips and lowers the skirt around her legs. "How. Is. That?" Terri struts, with a hip-pop on every word. Bella smiles and says, "Beautiful."
As Terri and Bella climb into the car, Verve runs up to the passenger side. Oh, God. Dueling tank tops. Terri's shoulders are just as good as Verve's. Wait. Am I switching to a gay girl now? Oh, man. I'm so confused. I just want to bite someone's hard-as-a-rock shoulder and I don't know if I want to taste Drakkar or Shalimar. Oh. The choices! Verve asks what Terri is doing. "She knows," Terri squints. Verve looks down at Terri's crotch and says, "Obviously." He asks where she's going. Terri says she has to get out of town. "Why?" Cute, Dumb and Lovely asks. Terri yells, "Do you have any idea how mortified I am? I could get arrested for fraud or something!" Bella stops the love spat and announces that it's time to go. "Where?" Verve barks. Terri says it's a secret. "Wait a minute, you have another secret other than this one?" "Uh-huh," Terri gulps. Verve says that he's coming with them. Bella yells for him to hurry up and get in. Verve jumps in beside Terri and turns to her. "Wait a minute. This secret wouldn't happen to involve you actually being a lesbian? Who's pretending to be a straight girl who's pretending to be a guy? 'Cuz I could be into that." Terri grabs Verve's face and says, "No!" Verve responds with another growl. Okay. I give up. I am a straight girl in love with a gay man who wants a lesbian girlfriend who lusts after my cats. That's the only thing that makes sense anymore. The only person I'm definitely not attracted to is Finn. I'd even go down on Mamawhore at this point. What difference does it make, really? I just ate some potato chips and watched a stripper give some guy a lapdance on HBO's G-String Divas. I'm confused and trashy, okay? Leave me alone!
Okay, so that's Teddy, Vern and Chris...where's Gordy? Oh, there he is. Waiting for the bus like Forrest Gump. Bella stops the truck and walks over to him. She asks where he's been. It looks like he was at the pawn shop, because the box of pity is gone, and now he only has one duffel bag. Will looks down like the terribly unlucky Townie that he is and says, "I'm not stayin' here. That's fer sure." Bella, the true friend, says, "All right. I'm really in a rush right now?" Will tells her to leave. She says she's not going to leave him out "here in the streets, okay?" The streets of New Rawley are so tough. She tells him that her troubles are worse, and that the building is about to be auctioned off, so she's on her way to Carson to get her mother to sign the papers. Papers? She tells him to get in the "car" because he's coming with them. Bella obviously has never owned a truck before, because truck owners get really mad when you call them "cars." Will sits for a few seconds and then decides, "Okay." Bella puts her hand on his thigh and says, "Okay." He tosses his bags into the back of the truck.
In the front seat, Verve leans back with a knowing grin as Terri looks a bit nervous. Will walks up and says hello. He stares straight at Terri's exposed thighs. Well, actually, we do, because there's a close up on Terri's naked, exposed thighs. "What the hell?" Will asks. "Jake's a girl. They're not gay." Bella casually says. Will takes a moment to think about all of the times he's been almost naked around Terri. And that one time that he played football with her. Will looks almost as confused about his sexuality as I am.
Does anyone out there remember what commercials look like? Because I don't.
Bankruptcy Diner. Sean walks in and walks over to Scout. I don't know why so many shots are done outside of the buildings looking through windows in this episode, but they're doing it again. Sean announces that he's looking for Bella. He asks if Scout has seen her. "Yeah. Earlier." He walks away with an assholian flourish. Sean follows and keeps quiet. Scout asks why Sean wants to know. Sean says that Grace told him that Bella went to Carson and he wanted to know why she'd just leave all of a sudden. "Why would she be going to Carson?" Sean asks. Through the windowpane we see the part of Scout's face that isn't covered by complete darkness as he gets a look like he's got the Shining. "To see her mom," Scout warbles. He runs away as kicky strummy music starts up.
You know that scene in The Graduate where Ben is driving to the church to see Elaine and the music kicks up and dies according to how fast the car is driving? It's that music that they're playing. But ruined. Bella drives her truck as Will broods in the front. Terri is putting on makeup beside a very sated Verve. She starts to dot his face with lipstick, but he turns away, saying, "Not in public!" "Writing your speech?" Will asks Bella. "Kind of. Problem is I'm writing hers too." Will loses all hope of inflection as he asks, "What is she saying?" "'s been ten years." We KNOW. "We gotta be careful because I want to fix this thing with the gas station." Exhale. Small, cute squint. "I just hope she's changed." This scene proves that dialogue is completely unnecessary for this show, as Verve and Terri exchanged so much more subtext with their silent exchanges in the back than Will and Bella's stiff Mama Mia talk. Oh, but we're treated to even more "words."
It's like, mostly dark now? Scout storms out of the Bankruptcy Diner. I guess he'll miss the going-away party. It's bright again as he asks Sean how far away Carson is. "Couple hours." On FOOT. It's forty miles! Whatever. Scout asks how long ago Bella left. "I don't know," Sean brats. "All right. I gotta get there." "Why?" This is so tedious, boys. Just take off your pants and let me choose the winner, okay? Scout says that this whole thing is (of course) his fault for pushing Bella into meeting her mom. Sean nods, because he knows that everything has been incredibly shitty ever since Scout rolled into town. "Why can't you just stay out of her life?" Sean asks him. Yay! "You know? Leave her alone?" Yay! Yay! Instead of answering, Scout goes all Harrison Ford on us and darts his head to grumble, "You comin' with me?" Music stops. Sean asks if he has a car. Music starts. "No. I gotta thumb." And now Ace and Billy can show up right when the boys find Ray Brauer's body.
The Graduate soundtrack plays again as the truck continues its journey down that long forty mile stretch of paved road. Verve asks what the plan is. Terri says the plan is to "get out of here." Verve says he doesn't get it. Oh, so cute when he's dumb. Terri's got her mouth practically in Verve's ear as she says, "They're not gonna let me come back to Rawley semester." Verve looks at her for a little while and then puts his arm around her and pulls her to him. She buries her head in his armpit. This entire scene is shot from the outside of the windshield.
Wah-wah-waaaaaah. Scout and Sean are stuck in Ol' Man Haystack's slower-moving truck. Back in his day they didn't have such fancy clothes or nice-moving cars. They'd walk the forty miles to Carson and they'd like it. You can smell the chaw. Scout passes his eye-roll and Sean catches it like executing the perfect breakdance move.
Terri is lying in Verve's lap as she begins listening to the song on the radio. It creeps me out, because I thought it was the background music. It takes her a second to figure out what it is, and it takes me even longer, because it doesn't sound like ABBA's "Fernando," until the singing begins. Terri gets excited with a, "Turn this up, baby!" Will gives a look like, "She's so gay. I mean 'he.' Dammit." Terri begins to jam out in the back, singing every single line off by a word and a beat. I hope Carson doesn't have a Karaoke bar. The song is all chopped up, but what does it matter. No one can resist the power of ABBA. By the (early) verse, everyone is singing along. As everyone sings even louder than Terri to try and get her back on the beat, the sun beats down on all of their heads and their smiles are so wide that their teeth shoot out beams of happiness at each other. Will sings and smiles at Bella. Bella choreographs some hand movements to the words. And as these kids sit here in disco bliss, I stop for a second, and find myself a little sad that this will all be over soon. I'm watching probably the last episode of Young Americans ever, and I'm watching a scene where all four of them have won my hearts with their youth and excitement. It probably can't get any better than this.
["You wanna bet? We've been saving our strength. Check this shit out."-- Saint Clares I and II]
Close-up on a deer. Extreme close-up on Bella with a look of fear. Zoom in on Will shouting, "Whoa!" Extreme close-up on Bella with look of pain. Close-up on the truck swerving. Quick shot of Terri bracing. Quick close-up on Bella turning the wheel. Close-up on the truck's front end. Close-up on Bella's open mouth. Close-up on the grill. Sound of tires squealing. The truck goes through some forest stuff and hits a tree. And "Fernando" was still playing on the radio! Blackout. Good God. They. Hit. A. Tree. I think that it's never going to get any better than this and they hit a fucking tree. Thank you, WB. That's the best present ever.
Pan back from the tree and the crashed truck. "What happened?" Will mumbles. Bella explains that there was a deer in the road. "It just jumped out." Pan over the totaled truck. "Oh, Bella, your truck is totally wrecked." "Yeah, thanks for the news flash, Hamilton." Brace yourselves for the following lines, delivered in that bad-dubbing thing they do. "Okay. We're in the middle of nowhere. I can't remember the last time I saw a car." "It's getting dark." "Look! There's a cabin up there in the woods!" Beautiful. You know what cabins in the middle of nowhere mean, right? Hot, dirty sex followed by naked teen murders, one by one. Sweet! And my birthday isn't for months!
The kids carry their bags and walk up towards the cabin. Thank God the crash didn't even slightly injure one of them, even though there wasn't one seatbelt being worn in that last shot. As long as they weren't smoking, right, thetruth.com? Not one limp or cut arm or even a bruise. Pretty keeps you protected in the face of danger, I guess.
They walk right into the cabin, not checking to see if the Fratelli's ORV with bullet holes was parked to the Coke machine on the porch. It's very dark and Bella remarks through the cobwebs that she's pretty sure "they don't have a telephone in here." Will announces that "there's nothing for, like, twenty miles." Verve asks if he's a cartographer. Check out the big brain on Verve! Verve then says they should wait by the road. "For who, the Grim Reaper?" Man, they give the stinkers to Terri, don't they? Bella says it's a back road and that they should just stay in the cabin until morning. "You mean, sleep here?" Terri asks. Awwwwwwww, yeah! Unh! Unh! Unh! Unh! Hot teen sex! Woo-hoo! Will says that it'll be "pitch black in like, ten minutes." This really bums Terri out, and I'm surprised Verve hasn't already come up with the Sleepaway Camp aspect of this new diversion. Verve instead asks what they are going to do for food. Everyone gives him the, "I thought models never ate" look. "What? I'm hungry!"
Darkened back road. We hear Scout shouting "Stop!" Scout then says the words "Bella's truck" nine times. We can hardly see Sean and Scout as they run out of the truck and over to Bella's totaled vehicle. They have their arms in the air because they didn't know she was able to make herself disappear. For reasons that will remain unknown, Ol' Man Haystack peels off, stealing with him all of their belongings. So much for Scout's cell phone. It does allow Sean to give the worst reading of the episode with the incredibly loud, "HeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEY! Where you goin'? Where you goin'?" Part Jerry Lewis, part "Snap into a Slim Jim,." Scout says "Oh, my God," twice, and if you look closely, they fade to black. It's just hard to see a difference.
Shot of the moon. It's still not pink, even though they gave it their best shot.
Bella has her head in Will's lap. Terri has her head in Verve's lap. The fire is going. I think we missed all the fun. Terri snaps up when she hears something outside. They start getting nervous thinking that someone is there to kill them. They all stand up. Terri flips off her blanket so that her legs are fully exposed for the serial killer. Will decides to take control and find out what the noise is. He cops a quick feel on Bella before he does, though. I saw him. Close-up on the front door as the shadows of Sean and Scout clearly enter, but these kids don't recognize them. Quick! Follow the voices in the dark. "Bella!" "Scout!" "Sean?" "Jake?" Everyone exhales for a second, except for Scout who is still clearly spooked. "What's he doing in a dress?" "She's a girl," Verve shouts. "She's a what?" "A GIRL!" everyone shouts. "Oh. Okay." End of that. In the dark, Sean asks Bella what happened. Grease Monkey Girl immediately diagnoses the truck with a broken axle. Terri asks where Scout's car is. He says they hitched. "Soooo...we'rrrrre...straaannnndded." Either Verve was doing his impersonation of Ricky's mom from Better Off Dead, or he has turned into a retarded llama.
"Time" "passes." As Will plays Prometheus with the fire, Scout is on his back saying he's a "little unclear"...pause to look at Terri..."about a lot of things." He asks what Terri is doing there. Verve shrugs while chewing (where did they get food, again?). Terri looks to Bella. Bella says that she invited Terri to come with her. "You asked...Jake to come!" Sean says, like Bella's being stupid. Bella says she doesn't appreciate being followed. Scout says he was worried about her and Will. Will turns and asks why anyone would be worried about him. Oh, I wish Brenda Blethyn was here so after every secret and lie was exposed she could warble, "I'm so SORreeee, sweeeeetheart! Yoooou wont sahm teeeeea, then?"
Scout says he knows about the scholarship. Will attacks Bella for telling his secret. Bella says she was worried about him. Sean says that it's just a scholarship. "Not a lifeline." Scout says; it's "just a setback." Will says there's more to it than that. "I have no options!" In the distance, you can hear Finn shout, "I have an idea!" Will chastises Bella again. "I'm here to save your ass from getting thrown into public auction." He is? What's he supposed to do? Pretend he's Bella? "Will, what are you talking about?" Sean is trying to up his need-to-know status. "Public Auction? What are you talking about? Are you gonna lose the garage?" Bella tells Will to shut up. Verve laughs and says, "Can't any of you guys keep a secret?" Will smiles and says, "And this is coming from a guy who's masquerading as a gay with a guy who's really a girl!" A gay. A gay. "And, yeah, I admit it's a pretty screwed-up situation. Thanks for rubbing it in." Verve goes and pouts to Terri. Scout smirks and asks Terri why she did this. Terri sits upright and says, "It's our business. Not yours." "Apparently, everything is Scout's business," Sean says. Yay! "Yeah, well a lot of things are. And you do not even know what's going on here." Sean keeps nodding and says, "Actually, I do, Scout." Close-up on Bella as Sean continues. "I happen to know everything that's going on here." "Oh! You want some mooooore crumpets, sweeeetie? I just put a fresh batch on the fire, here. Yes? Little boy-girl? You want something to wear over your boy-girl legs? A frock or a jumper, maaaaybeee?" Scout sits up and says, "Well, good, then. That's what this whole trip is about, then. Right, Bella? Finding out about the truth about us?" "No, Scout. That is not what this trip is about." Scout. Get a clue. Then ask Grace out if you're so horny for some of Bella's genetic code. And nice sentence structure, by the way. "This trip has nothing to do with you," Will says. This confuses Scout. Everyone else gets quiet out of respect for the confusion. Will breaks the silence by saying that the garage is up for auction and that Bella's mom has the deed. Remember that subplot? Bella gets mad at Will for telling everyone what they already told everyone earlier. Scout says that he's not going to let this happen. "I can make a call!" Sean gets all macho and puts on that silly Clint Eastwood voice to say, "You think it's that simple. Man! I didn't like you from the moment I saw you. I thought you were this rich, spoiled jerk and I was so right." Still holding on to "Jerk" as the ultimate insult to the very end. You've got to give them points for tenacity. Scout says that they have a problem, and it's because they have "one thing in common" and that Sean knows "exactly what that is." Sean walks closer to Scout and growls, "I do have a problem with you." Scout backs up and puts on that laughing face to say, "You know what? I think you're just a little pissed because Bella might find out that she has a choice and she might not choose you." Boom! The fight begins. If it weren't so dark, I might be able to tell you who hits whom and who is holding back whom, but from all I can see Terri knocks Verve a good one in the cheekbone and Scout holds Will by the crotch. That's in my world, anyway. Even after I clearly see Scout away from the fight, holding his arms in the air, the fighting continues with people screeching and making grunting noises. Once it finally calms down, and Sean has his head in Brenda Blethyn's lap, crying, Bella shouts, "What is the matter with everyone?" You know what happens after the fight, right? Giant make-out scene. Everyone stares at nothing until we fade to black.
Ooh, the commercial fake. You got me, WB. I almost went to get some Diet Coke.
The sun is rising. Damn. We missed the good parts. Sean is asleep. Verve is asleep with his arms around Terri. Bella is asleep in a chair. Will wipes his eyes, so we know he just woke up. He scratches his head and looks around.
"When the night...has come..." Will walks out to the front of the cabin. He sees the deer standing out front. "Hey, kid. Learned something yet?" Will smiles and walks over to a carefully placed chair right in front of the deer. So as not to disturb the deer, Gordy pulls his journal out of his backpack and opens it. The deer looks around for John Cusack. Bella walks out of the cabin and Will quiets her and points out the deer. She blinks, and we watch the deer some more. She pushes Will over in the chair and sits down beside him. Chris asks what Gordy's working on. "Applications for scholarships. My future, I guess." The drums kick into such high gear that I'm surprised the deer isn't run off by them. "Kind of uncertain" Will adds. Bella apologizes for telling Scout. Will says it's okay, and that he's sorry he told everyone about her. They laugh, because that's supposed to be funny. Will asks, "Are we two of the most pathetic people ever?" Ooh! Ooh! I can answer that one. See, it's pretty easy. Basically, yes. You've got your -- "NO." Bella interrupts me. She starts to smile. "Okay, maybe." "Uh-huh." You're coming around, kids. As Will watches the deer some more, Bella puts her arm around him and kisses his head.
"And the land is dark...and the moon..." Terri walks out and stands by Bella and Will (And I do mean "Stands By"). They make small talk until they all stare at the deer again, which is getting more screen time than Paige ever saw. "...is the only... light we'll see." Verve enters and puts his nasty-ass-no-toothbrush-face right to Terri's and breathes, "Wow! Baby, look at that!" He kisses her repeatedly about the face. The deer. The deer. The deer. Bella gets a look in her eyes like she's able to converse with the deer. It seems like we're waiting for a big gunshot, but it's not going to happen. The deer goes right into slow motion and wiggles its head. Bella and Will smile and share a moment, because deer are the only thing left on this earth that haven't been brought to you by Coca-Cola. The deer hears a real script calling him and trips off, causing Will to laugh at something more awkward than he is. Wow. First they rip off the pie-eating contest, and now the deer scene. What's ? You don't know? Oh, but there's more.
Back in the cabin, Sean announces that they should wait by the road for someone to pick them up. Bella announces that she's got to get to Carson to see her mother, because the station is going up for auction week. "My car is completely totaled, so...I'll just walk. I'll follow the train tracks. I know how to get there." Will asks if she's really going to walk to Carson. Sean says that it's only about ten miles away from the cabin. Oh, Mr. Cartographer. I see you were wrong in your original assessment of "nothing" being around for "twenty miles." Or is that like how Carson is two hours away when it's forty miles? Maybe it's just really a mile away now. It seems that you can go really fast in a sports car, really slowly in an old man's truck, sorta quickly in a regular truck, but incredibly fast on foot. That's why there are no cars in New Rawley. Scout announces that he's going with Bella. Bella stares at him. Scout stares back at her. Sean stands up and says he never said he wouldn't go. This kicks off the Incredible Journey music as Terri says she's coming, too. Verve looks up. Bella half-smirks. Terri smiles back.
It's not "Have Gun, Will Travel," but close enough. The Sexy Six walk down the train tracks. Montage of happiness ensues.
Verve is shirtless. Terri grooves down the train tracks, because she can hear the background music.
Bella holds a shirtless Sean's hand.
Terri has her arm around shirtless Verve. Bella smacks shirtless Sean on the head.
Distant shot of the half-naked crew jumping and jogging over the tracks. I'm waiting for Gordy to shout, "Train!"
Closer shot of Terri doing a little jump dance that I'm ignoring because I can still see shirtless Verve.
Shirtless Verve holds Terri on his back as the others walk. It's quickly getting darker.
Not so dark now. Scout has picked up a walking stick.
Close-up on very developed, shirtless Sean. Who knew there were muscles under that pudgy, aging frat-boy head? Scout, knowing when he's met his match, keeps his man-boobs covered.
Dark again. This time it looks like shirtless Verve is holding hands with shirtless Sean. I don't care if that's a trick of the lighting. It's my favorite trick.
Terri is back on Verve's back again. Bella is smiling.
Several shots of the backs of the kids getting further and further away.
Shirtless Sean leans his head towards Bella. She grabs his chin and kisses him. Wow. You can almost see all the way down on Sean, there.
Pan across to Scowl-t and Will, the losers. They watch Verve jump in front of them to attack Terri with a kiss. "You know, that's gonna bother me for a while," Scout says to Will. Will looks away, thinks, smiles, and reaches over and kisses Scout hard. Everyone cheers except for Sean, who runs up closer and looks very jealous.
They walk through a cemetery. The music fades away as Bella points outward. "That must be it," she sighs. Hey. We've seen this house before. This is Joe-the-Bookie's house! You can't just throw a couch on the lawn and expect me to not notice that this is the exact same place where Bella recited her letter to her daddy. They see a woman carry groceries up to the front door. Will asks Bella if that's her mother. "Yeah," Bella says. She stares and exhales. "Oh, God. I didn't know it'd be this...easy." She says she thought she'd feel different or that "something would just happen." "She's pretty," Verve chimes in. After a few stares he says, "What? She is." Bella exhales. "Okay, guys. I can do this on my own." She walks towards the house. Scout gives her the, "Don't forget to ask if we can fuck," stare.
"Donna?" Bella has walked up to the woman on the porch. "It's me. Bella." Man, Townie women are just ridden hard, I tell you. Move over, Mamawhore. Mamaslut's in town. She hugs Bella for a while. "I didn't know it was you, baby. You're, you're, you're, you're so tall." Bella says she looks the same. "God, I'm glad you came. Oh, damn, girl, you're pretty." How many times has Mamaslut heard those ten words? They hug for a long time. Scout watches. Will shakes his head. "Ten years." "Yeah," Terri says. Mamaslut takes Bella inside the house as we go to commercial.
Bella and Mamaslut take a seat on a bench in the backyard. "How's Gracie?" "She's fine. A lot like you, actually." Heh. Mamaslut asks if Bella got the gift she sent. Bella says that it was a lot to handle, and that she didn't get around to opening it. Mamaslut dismisses the gift and says it was just a book and some perfume. Bella asks why Mamaslut never tried to contact her. "God, there, there, that, there are so many things I want to say to you, I don't even know where to start." "Yeah, me too." Mamaslut says she wants them to know each other again. And Grace, too. Bella doesn't answer, but instead looks off. Mamaslut asks if Bella is in school. They laugh, because of course she's in school. I do think, however, that it's a valid question. She asks how UnVince is doing. "Um. We, we actually have this problem and that's why I'm here." "Oh, God. Is he okay?" Way to make it sound like UnVince is dying, Bella. "No. Um. Somehow the gas station is up for sale, and I guess you never put the...the deed in Daddy's name, so if you could just send it over to us I'm sure we could work something out, 'cause, it's our home and we love it there." Mamaslut asks if she means to sign the station over to her and UnVince. "Yeah." Okay. Check this. Mamaslut says that the station was never really in UnVince's name and that it was her father's and left to her. UnVince was never supposed to live in it, and it certainly doesn't belong to him. "I know the station is for sale. I put it up for sale." "But the station is our life," Bella warbles. Mamaslut stands up. "Well, it doesn't have to be. I want to be a part of your life again and I don't want to get into anything with Charlie about it. I just, I just want you to know that I'm here..." Bella interrupts to ask her what she's talking about. "Bella! Look at me. I'm not young anymore. And I...I need that money, and this is, this is a lot more complicated than you think." Who will remain more righteous here?
Bella: "Is that why you sent that gift? To get what you wanted?" Mamaslut: "Oh, baby. I've never gotten anything that I wanted." Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Townie Battle Cry! Bella: "Well, you certainly know how to get rid of something that you don't want." Mamaslut: "No, I never said that I didn't want you." After some staring, Bella releases the waterworks. "Then what was it, then? Because I don't remember any earth-shattering event that happened that year. Or that week, or even that day. So what was it that made you abandon your kids?" Mamaslut, not practiced with the parenting, tries out something she's heard other parents say, but screws it up: "Oh, God. You're just, you're, y-y-y-y-y-y-you're, you're, you're, you're too young to understand and I'll explain it some day." Bella is too high and mighty to stop now. "You know what? You can't. Because I have spent TEN YEARS pretending that you don't even exist! And that's been really..." Pause for the tear-roll. "Really hard!" She exhales and wipes her tears away. "But, you know what? It won't be anymore." As she turns to go, Mamaslut bellows, "Bella." Bella turns back around for the big finish. "And if you think...that we're gonna let you take our home? You better think again." And then you think two more times, Mamaslut. Yeah. Think on that, bitch. Mamaslut sits down and exhales. She stands up.
The rest of the crew is sitting on the cemetery lawn, staring at the house. Bella storms out, still crying. "Oh, no," Will says as they all get onto their feet. Bella crosses over to them, wiping her eyes and sniffing. Mamaslut walks out of her front door just in time to see the great friends that Bella has had, so she can see just how grown-up and beautiful her daughter has become. "Take me home," Bella says to Sean. "Okay." He puts his arm around her as they all walk back to...something. I don't know.
A man walks up to Mamaslut carrying the Official Townie Toolbox of Blue Collar New Rawley Workers. His lunchbox swings as he stops and asks, "Who was that?" "Yer daughter," Mamaslut drawls. Well, I'll be. We have a winner, folks. Fourth time's a charm. So, who's Grace's dad again? Close up on the FourFather. Yikes. I have no idea where Bella gets her looks. It's like, all the Townie parents are rough and dirty, with bad hair and nasty skin, but the Townie kids are just beautiful cherubs running around looking for either someone to lay, or someone to call their father. Not that I'm saying the Young Americans writers have Mommy/Daddy issues. Where would I get that crazy idea?
Bella lies on her back in the grass. Terri stands over her. Will and Scout sit on the ground to each other. Sean and Verve try and hitch a ride. Scout reminds Will that his parents give a lot of money each year, and it wouldn't be like he's just getting a free ride if they designate some over to him. "I wanna make my own opportunities," Will says. "You know, if the tables were turned, you'd help me," Scout says. Will stops, thinks, "That's going in one of my essays. I hope I don't get busted for stealing again," and smiles at Scout. "You got an extra pen?" Scout asks. Will hands Scout a handful of applications, but luckily a truck stops to offer the kids a ride, so Scout doesn't actually have to do any real work.
The truck pulls into the station. Bella is asleep on Sean's chest. Will jumps out with a toothpick in his mouth. Now it's gone. Sean thanks the driver for the ride as he pulls away. Bella looks at the station. A giant sign reading "AUCTION TUESDAY 2:00 PM" is plastered to the window. "Oh, my God," Bella says, like she had forgotten. Everyone looks downward. UnVince walks out of the station door, but doesn't immediately walk over to Bella, smack her, and demand to know where the hell she's been all night with these weird kids like a normal father would. Instead he walks over to the AUCTION sign and rips it down all dramatic-like. He looks at her. She smiles. He continues balling up the sign and smiles back. Bella smiles and looks down, knowing that she's saved the day with her self-righteousness. I guess she did learn a little something from Scout and Will this summer. UnVince tosses the AUCTION sign into the trash, and we never hear from him again.
Bella turns to everyone and says, "'s gonna take more than some sign to get us outta here." That's right, Billie Jean. Fair is fair! Scout smiles. Sean pulls Bella into an embrace. I hope she's checked both of her legs for Scout and Sean's urine. Terri pulls back from her embrace with Verve and sees her bike. Because it's now leaning against a wall, Bella's dad "must have fixed it." "Well, I guess I'd better go," Terri says with confusion. She turns back to Verve. She says her mom might send out an APB. "That is not funny," Verve says. "What?" They start touching noses again. No one else seems to want to give them any sort of privacy, so it's good that they can have conversations while they're in each other's mouths. "That you're leaving. That it's over." Terri mashes her nose up against Verve's and asks, "Who said it's over?" Verve pulls her into an embrace and says, "Don't stop hugging me first." Verve pulls his chin onto Terri's shoulder, makes eye contact with me and mouths, "You're , Pamie. Get the shower ready." They kiss and Terri tells him to take the train to New York. "I am," he says, and kisses her again. He looks at me and mouths, "I'm so not. I'm coming to Austin, Texas. I want you. I've always wanted you. I just didn't know how to say it before." Terri pulls away from Verve and shakes her head. She turns towards Bella and thanks her for the ho skirt. Bella hugs her. Scout asks if they'll see her semester. "If they don't kick me out," Terri smiles. Will looks down at his shoes, since he's not lucky enough to even get into the school semester and he even has a penis. Verve and Terri tongue-kiss in front of everyone else again.
My cat gets scared of something and swats Saint Clare II from her perch to the television. I hear a crash. I run over to see if she's okay. There's blood and the sound of television static. "It's...my...time," she gasps.
"No, Saint Clare II! You can't go!"
"The cat knew it! The cat knew it was...my time! We had...some good laughs...didn't we?"
I wipe the tears from my eyes and say, "Yes, we did, Saint Clare II. We sure as hell did."
"Listen carefully. The rest...of the episode...just a bad...Stand By Me rip-off."
"What's that burning smell?"
"Oh...I made a bug fly by my head. The cat knocked me over...the bug flew...into the halogen lamp...it's on fire...it's part of the ritual. Had to happen."
"Yeah, but it really smells, Clare."
"Suck it up, bitch...have a little fucking respect...for the dying saints...okay?"
"Sorry. It's just...man! Can you smell that? Ugh."
"I sat through Ally McBeal and the fucking Green family. Do you hear...me? I...know...stank. This isn't nearly as bad. I'm letting Young Americans take me with them. If the WB...decides to bring it back...in the spring...then maybe I'll get to come back here. If not...then that's what fate...has decided. I've always loved you, Pamie. Take care of Saint Clare I for me. She's afraid...of the dark. Don't let the bastards keep you down."
"But what will I do without you?"
"Oh...you'll think of something."
"You rotten bitch," Saint Clare I pipes up.
"What? What's wrong?" I ask.
"This isn't her time. She's committing suicide!"
"You...shut...up!"
"No! I know what this is! You just don't want to be here when Pamie recaps Gilmore Girls in a month. You pussy!"
"Oh...can't hear you!...Fading...out!"
"You lying whore!"
"I never snore! I...oh, the pain! The pain! And you still...owe me ten bucks...for Get Real...finishing the season!"
"I bet she's not even dying."
"Too much PAIN! Verve! Scout! Take me away from all this death!"
"I think she's gone."
"What a bitch."
Terri gets on her motorcycle and puts on her jacket. Verve stares. Terri puts on her glasses. Verve stares. Terri looks up and smiles at him. Verve watches. Terri rides off into the (literal) sunset.
And then there were five. Verve gives everyone handshakes, as they all say goodbye to him. He stops for a second and looks at everyone. He puts his hand outside my television screen, picks up the body of Saint Clare II and walks away.
And then there were four. Bella asks Will what he's going to do. "Not sure. But you'll be the first to know." They smile at each other, kicking off new background music. Scout says to either Bella or Will, "If you ever change your mind about wanting me to help you..." "You'll be the first to know," Bella nods. She takes Scout's hand and pulls him into a hug. A long hug. Still hugging. They hug long enough that Scout pulls a glance in Sean's direction to see if he's about to be beat up. "I didn't ask my mom," Bella whispers to him. "I know," he says back. This would be an intimate moment of Bella and Scout saying goodbye, but Sean is really lurking into the shot, and you can see his mouth right by Bella's eyes. "Hey, man, we cool?" Sean asks Scout. Scout declares they are, indeed, cool and they shake. Bella touches Will on the chest and says, "Don't disappear on me." It's good these kids aren't big on the long goodbyes. Bella walks off. Sean walks up to Will and asks if he's going to be okay. Will shakes his hand and says, "Yeah, I'll be cool. Thanks." Letting his hand go at the last possible second, Vern and Teddy walk off. And you know what happens to the two of them.
And then there were two. "I'm never gonna go anywhere, am I?" Gordy asks Chris. (It's backwards from the movie, but close enough) "Only if you want to," Chris responds. He says if the tables were turned, he'd help him, too. "I know." Scout says he'd better catch the bus to the airport. He offers Will one more chance to go vay-cay in the Caribbean. It kicks off the "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" song we heard at the end of the pilot. "Get out of here," Will says to Scout. Scout walks backwards for a while, salutes Will, and runs away, leaving Will to do his final voice-over.
And then there was one. As Will mails off his applications, he learns us something good. "And so our adventure ends. And some of us found our heroes, and some of us uncovered our fears." What heroes? "And one might even say, we triumphed. I'm not sure if it happened that day or that summer, but somehow we all felt older, and different. I knew I'd never forget any of it." Will leans against the post office box and breaks into a smile. "And I decided I wasn't going to let it end. 'Cause I realize we aren't just given life experience. We're given the experience of life."
Cut from Stand By Me back to The Graduate. As Scout sits at the bus station (without one bag on him, I might add), the bus pulls up. As Scout walks up to the bus, we hear Will shouting, "Hey, Scout! Scout!" Scout turns and opens his arms. Will comes running up, hair blown back to reveal the gigantic forehead that boy's got. Scout catches the bag Will flings at him, and they go into a deep embrace. They get onto the bus, which pulls away dragging Coke cans with the windows soaped, "Just Married."
What happens when Will and Scout get off the bus? As we come to the end of the series, panning back over Main Street as the Greyhound of Love pulls away, I think that Young Americans might actually have taught us all a little bit about ourselves. Maybe Saint Clare II didn't sacrifice herself for nothing. Maybe Will is right. Maybe we did find our heroes. Maybe we did uncover some fears. Maybe we...huh? Oh, dammit! Finn.
Finn walks down the darkened corridor of Rawley Academy. He knocks on the door and says, "Will?" He walks over to the mirror and places a sheet of paper into the crack. It's addressed to Will. "Dear Mr. Krudski. We are pleased to inform you that the funds for your scholarship have been approved. We look forward to seeing you at Rawley Academy this fall. Enjoy the rest of your summer. Sincerely, Dean 'Who?' Fleming." It also says: "I love you more than anyone else will ever know. I thought we had something special. Don't let Scout ruin the love that must never be mentioned. Forever in Feathers, Finn." Fade to black for the very last time.