Pamie's recap. Brought to you in part by Diet Coke. And Marlboro Lights. And very special sponsor: masochism.
Previously on Young Americans: Liv Tynot gives Will the "burn!" by telling him he's a pretty good phony. Whiplash Editing takes us to the first episode, where Bella tells Scout that her mother left when she was six. Mamawhore shares a moment with Bella. Scout asks Bella if she ever wonders if they'd be legally allowed to have sex. Verve tells Terri that he loves her. They kiss to the beat of the Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love.
I'm warning you now: "Free Will" means they are exercising their free will to torture us with so much Will that you change your name to Surrender McBlandWriting.
And we missed Will's voice-overs so much, didn't we? Butt-shots and frolicking while the Rawley "boys" play football as we hear: "When is the age...or even the moment we go from being kids to being...something else? I mean, so much can happen in a year. People say that we're growing up too fast today. Sometimes adults make it sound like it's our fault, or at least our choice. But how can we not? We feel invincible and we know so much. One thing I do know is that we're so eager to lose our innocence. And I wonder if one day we'll look back...and wish we hadn't." Is this a journal he's keeping or something? And, I don't know, I've played football a few times, and I'm pretty sure at one point during that game, someone would have felt Terri's Ace bandage. Or at least popped her bra strap. It's okay. There was so much homoerotica in that scene that I don't mind any stretch of logic. Mmm. Cute boys holding each other and laughing. Jumping and flexing. Looks like Christmas came a little bit earlier this year.
Bella works on the Truck of Constant Repair as Sean walks up and offers to help her out. She Girl-Powers him and says she doesn't need any, but he moves her aside and unscrews the cap for her anyway. She giggles, giggles, flirts and thanks him, instead of saying, "I said I didn't need your help, Macho Fuck." Sean reminds her that her birthday is coming up, and asks what she wants: "You can tell Mr. Reynolds he need a new transmission." Every day this girl gets closer to becoming Tiny Tim. He says it's her "Sweet Sixteen," and that she should come up with a real present. She asks for a trip to Paris. Sean bites his tongue and says he doesn't know about that. She laughs. She says he should just surprise her. "Oh, you like surprises?" he asks, as he leans in to kiss her.
"Well, here's one," Scout shouts, stopping their kiss and walking into their moment. He really is a schmuck, isn't he? He says there's another surprise that isn't him. He's holding a package that arrived for Bella. He says it was "mistakenly delivered at the diner." Because the postman has a hard time keeping the nine addresses of New Rawley Main Street separated.
Scout and Sean stand to each other but refuse to look at each other. Scout flexes his man-boobs. Bella says they could at least be civil to each other and say hello. Sean realizes he's being a bit stupid, laughs, smiles and says hello to Scout. Scout doesn't even glance in Sean's direction, but flexes his jaw and gives an icy hello. Nice. Bella opens the card taped to the top of the package (How did they send that?) and holds the card up so we can read the front. It says "Dear Daughter." "Oh, my God," Bella says after ten seconds. She tells Sean and Scout that it's from her mother. This activates the Nick Drake Soundtrack of Growing Up Too Quickly. She slams the present and the card into the trash and walks off. Sean follows her to console her. Scout, making sure he breaks at least one law per episode, rips the return address off the package. He reads it, and walks off. What an asshole.
The names are back in the opening credits. I don't know. Ian Somerhalder, Somerhaldhim -- and lick him and make him call them "Princess."
The Pier of "Knowledge." The boys are all in tiny clothes, tank-tops and shorts. Verve reads a selection. Terri doesn't have to wear tiny clothes. In fact, she's wearing about four layers of shirts. "Intense," Verve says as he finishes his reading. "Yes, it is." I didn't know it was possible, but Finn is even greasier than the last time we saw him. His hair is out of control. Finn asks what the piece is about. Verve tells him, and Finn says that's more of a summary. He asks what the piece is "really about." Verve sits and thinks for a second, which is Will's cue to pipe up and kiss Finn's hairy ass one more time. Why is he the only one allowed to answer questions? "Destiny." This cues the "Will's So Deep" background music, as Verve gives Will a look like, "I was going to say that, asswipe." Finn is, of course, incredibly aroused at the sound of Will's voice, and asks him to go on. "Life is predetermined. Nothing you can do can alter your fate." Thanks for the definition, Will. Scout looks from Will to Finn. Finn asks if Will believes that. Scout looks back from Finn to Will. They've added some students in the background. One is African-American, and one is Hispanic. Oh, WB, you listen to our cries for multi-racial casting so well! We will never doubt you again! "Sometimes," the deep thinker responds. "Like not to," Scout squints. "Why not?" Finn asks. Scout continues lounging on his back in full Shakespearean angst to say that he'd like control of his own life. Finn laughs and says that they'd all like that. "But you might want to take that up with Buddha." Everyone laughs. "Or the Dalai Lama. Or Gandhi, or any number of Eastern religious icons. I feel it's more about specifics. Sometimes philosophical, sometimes just practical." Crazy flute music goes on in the background as everyone discusses what you can and cannot change. Finn asks what they think can't be changed. "Your height," Terri says. "Personality," Verve offers. Terri says that's questionable. Man, can't a Verve get one damn answer right in this series? Why is he always in the wrong? Scout gets all smiley and says, "Your parents." Everyone agrees that you can't change your parents. Whatever. I saw Irreconcilable Differences. Oh, and yes, this scene was just as boring as it sounded.
Bankruptcy Diner. Heavy-set extras sit on the area outside the restaurant. There are lights on inside, and there are even a few customers. Scout stares at Bella through the restaurant window while she sits at her table. He's still in his Crew uniform. He inhales, exhales, and enters the restaurant. He asks her to buy him a COKE. She says that she's just a poor working girl. He says he'll treat. She pulls out another straw and sticks it in her glass. He's touched. He apologizes about earlier. "You must be completely freaked out about this whole thing." Bella lowers her head, listens to more music from the Nick Drake soundtrack and says, "Yeah, I am." She says she thought she wasn't going to hear from her again and she wonders what she wants. Scout says that she probably wants to meet her. Bella says she's not going to tell Charlie or Grace because they'll just end up miserable again if they see her. Scout reminds Bella that she's talking about her mother. "You know what, Scout? She forgot that a long time ago?" There are so many statements asked in the form of a question in this show. Scout nods, looks down, blinks, nods, looks up. Bella blinks, looks down, blinks, blinks, exhales through her nose. She says she's going to add this to her list of what she did on her summer vacation. She met her dad, but really only filled his gas tank at the station. She fell in love with her brother. And her mother who's been missing for ten years suddenly resurfaces "and wants to get together." Scout's all, "Fell in love?" And Bella says she was being "dramatic." Oh, so that's what it looks like. Scout looks down, nods, blinks, smirks, nods, blinks. Bella looks down, blinks, nods, blinks. She says as far as she's concerned she doesn't have a mother. "Are you at least curious?" Scout asks. "Scout, this is my mom, okay? Do you not get that? And I have a lot of issues with this, and a lot of them have nothing to do with you, okay? And all you care about is whether we're related or not. That's all you care about." Scout says that he, in fact, cares about her. "Really? Then act like it." Bella storms off. Scout mouth-breathes, blinks, blinks, sighs, shifts, sighs, blinks, sighs, and puts his hand by his crotch. What? He does.
Outside shot of Rawley Academy so we don't get lost with all of the location shots.
Finn is walking through the dark. This causes Will to walk by with his hands in his pockets. Finn congratulates Will. He says that his "request to tutor" has been approved by the English department. There's a department? And isn't summer almost over? Will says that's great. Finn gulps, nods his head, gives a stern look and says, "All for the love of poetry, right?" Will says there's that, but there's also twenty bucks an hour. He asks when he starts. Finn's all, "Five minutes ago." There's already his student waiting in one of the rooms. Will starts to run off but Finn calls him back, laughing, because Will forgot to take the assignment from him, and that it has the word "ass" in it. Will has to trot back and forth in front of Finn a few times. Finn puts his book over his crotch and walks away.
Will enters a dark room. Long legs in a fancy dress sit in a giant leather chair. I guess girls can just run all over the boys' dorm at Rawley. When I lived in a dorm, if one male was caught unescorted, the entire first floor would scream, "Boy! Boy! Hide your titties! Boy! Boy!" and an alarm would go off and the boy would be kicked out onto Whitis Avenue. The woman turns around. It's Liv Tynot, of course. Will asks if she's there to be tutored. She says she is, and asks if he's going to be tutored as well. He tells her that he's the tutor. I hope that their first lesson is in tedious dialogue. She asks if this is going to be awkward for him. I thought they made up at the end of that episode with that whole, "Hi, my name is / What? / My name is / Who? / My name is / Will Krudski" note-writing thing. He says it won't be weird unless it's weird for her. She says she's fine if he's fine. I start watching Road Rules to see if I really do look like Holly. I don't know what you guys are talking about. Seriously. As Will sits down, Liv Tynot brings up the cotillion. This causes a close-up on Will so he can look down, nod, smirk, nod, and look back up. She says she knows he was just trying to "fit in." Will looks down, nods, laughs, nods and says, "Yeah, I was." He says that she was really angry, so he didn't call her. She smiles, nods, smiles. He says he thought it would be "pressing [his] luck" to talk to her again. She smiles the tightest smile I've ever seen, tosses her head back, nods, smiles, nods. "And then you went away," he says. "I did," she says. Nods, smiles, nods, nods. Will swallows, blinks and asks if she had fun. She says it was fun. "Ten people in a castle in Rome. No electricity, no heat." So that was her in The 1900 House? Man, she doesn't look so good in a corset. Oh, no, wait. Right. When she was in Stealing Beauty. That's how much these people want us to project Liv Tyler onto her. "And no one to keep you warm?" Will asks. Liv says that she did, in fact, have someone there to keep her warm. Thus ends that conversation. Will looks down, nods, looks away. Liv apologizes for hurting his feelings. He says it's okay. Nods, smiles, nods, blinks, nods, blinks, nods. He says he's glad she had a good time. Liv smiles, blinks, thanks him, blinks, and smiles. Will puffs his cheeks, flaps his fingers, looks down, blinks, exhales, blinks, nods. Liv smiles, looks down, nods, opens her mouth, closes it. He says they should get started. She smiles, agrees, nods, blinks, nods, looks down, looks up. Will smiles, laughs, nods, looks down, sits closer and opens a book. Blink, nod, look up. Liv blinks, smiles, blinks and stares. Jesus Christ. Dueling Saint Clare II walks down from her pedestal, stands in front of me and begins slapping each side of my face over and over. "What's her problem?" I ask Saint Clare I. "This is a house of hell, you evil woman," she screams. My cat knocks her off her pedestal with one paw. I hold upsdosv ow! Hey! lsdrmwselkv slekma''this is saint clare the second speaking to all of you as quickly as I can jump around these keys. please. please. save us. we cannot take it anymore. we know there is only one more episode. but you have to understand. we just finished watching last week's just three days ago. it wasn't enough time. we haven't restored our energy. we didn't have the strength in us to make this even a slightly tolerable episode. being the patron saint of television is exhausting work. we work long, thankless hours full of pain and suffering. we were busy with the good times e! true hollywood story, and didn't realize we were about to have an early episode of young nazis. oh, please, forgive us. save us from pamie. at night she sticks us in the freezer and places a small cassette player inside. she has it on loop. it plays billy ocean's "get out of my dreams (get into my car)" over and over and over again. we can't stop her. we hate her. we want to make week's finale as intolerable as possible. but we fear she might, in fact, burn us alive if we do. please, support our efforts. please. join the mailing list. don't let her smiling face fool you. she is evil. she's not even taking us with her on vacation this week. don't you think I'd like to see a spa? don't you think I'd like a rest? don't you think I wish I had gone to school and learned proper punctuation? I can't do that. I'm just a patron saint. it's one step above townie. we worked really hard to get everyone nearly naked in this episode. we didn't have time for plot or writing. we never sleep. we never eat. we do this for you. don't let her kill us. oh, she's waking up! I have to go. The saint clares love you!
Whoa. My head hurts.
Ryder stands outside and smokes a cigarette. He walks over to a window and sees Terri inside. She sits in a chair and reads a book.
Verve walks over to Terri and pulls on her earlobe playfully. He walks off, and she gets up and follows.
Ryder smokes and watches this exchange. He blinks, exhales, and blinks.
Verve and Terri run into some small bookroom and say, "Hi, boy." "Hi, boy." They are at their required one-inch distance from each other. Verve says they've got to find a better way to "be together." He reaches up and rests his hands on her breasts. "Yeah, like now?" Terri asks. "Like, all the time," Verve says. Terri says she likes the sound of that. As they are about to kiss, Ryder walks into the room. Terri and Verve break away. "Oh. Excuse me," Ryder says, just like Eddie Izzard in his bit on British acting in Dressed to Kill. Ryder leans in way close to Terri like he's smelling her face. She turns away. Ryder grabs a book off the shelf to her. He pulls back and says that he's just grabbing a book on "genetic mutations." Ha. Verve asks if he's studying his family tree. Eh. Ryder stares, blinks, stares, blinks, nods, exhales a laugh, blinks, and stares. Blink, blink, head down, blink, turn around, walk away. Verve says, "That was funny." Terri says it wasn't, but she starts laughing anyway. "Lunch?" "Yeah." "Yeah." They don't kiss, even though their lips touch when they talk. They walk away.
Will and Liv sit by some running fountain thing. If all of these kids are really "actors," then I don't understand this "poetry voice" they put on whenever they recite something. Will's going at it. "My love. Leave your lips half-open. Because that final kiss should linger with me. It should stay still forever in your mouth, so that it goes with me, too. Unto my death." Will and Scout are still wearing the same clothes from the last episode. The exact same clothes. "That's sad," Miss Deep Thang says. Will corrects her and says that it's "passionate." As she stares and tries to figure out what the word "passionate" means, Will gets all self-righteous and preachy: "It's endless love, to want to be with someone that much. To hold them. To kiss them. Until forever. With poetry you can't just take things at face value. You've got to dig deeper...to find the meaning, the truth. And if you still can't find it, you dig even deeper." She starts giggling for some reason. "Or you just ask me for help," he concludes. She keeps laughing, and my laughter joins hers, as I realize how deep you've got to dig to find yourself a little Krudski thinking he's smarter than you are. She agrees to ask him if she needs help. She says she'll see him tomorrow, and leaves. Will nods, looks down, nods, wiggles his book, looks away, blinks, nods, blinks.
As Liv is walking she passes Ryder. He pulls her arm and calls her name. He asks what she's doing there. She kisses him and slurs, "Passing English." She tells him that Will is tutoring her. Ryder comes up with a scathingly brilliant idea as they walk off-screen.
Hello, nurse! Lake Homoerotica is on fire! Naked kids all over the place! Woo-hoo! Half-naked Verve plays with a totally naked dog. Half-naked boy rows. Another half-naked boy keeps rowing as we pan over half-naked girls to Will and Scout, who are half-naked and sitting side-by-side. Scout doesn't mind showing his chest, but Will's got his pale-ass legs all folded up to his neck. His underwear is showing out of the leg of his shorts. Scout, always ready with the knife twist, says, "So, somebody else is keeping Caroline warm while you're keeping it cool?" Will laughs, and tries not to hit his roommate. "I can't believe you just said that," Will says. "Wehrih!" Scout says in return, which means, "That's because I'm the asshole on this show." Oh, my God! Yes! Yes! Someone heard my wishes from the last recap! Yes! Ryder is half-naked, walking down the pier! Huzzah! Ooh, he's got those little dimple things that go right at the top of the thighs, just under the stomach muscles. I love those. Oh, man. Thank you, WB! Ryder walks, stops, kicks some kid into the water, and continues walking over to Scout and Will. "Hello, fresh-faced youth of America!" he says. Scout attempts an accent to call Ryder a "cheap import." "If I wasn't so passionately apathetic that may've stung," Ryder smiles. Will says, "That's an oxymoron." "Wah! That's an oxymoron! Wah! I'm Will! I know everything! The teacher wants my ass the most! Wah!" Ryder says he is looking for someone with Will's kind of insight. "What do you want, Ryder?" Ryder exhales. "I need your help, William." Will laughs. Scout looks over, squints, looks distant. Ryder says he's having trouble with his literature assignment, and heard that Will was a tutor. Will says he'll have to sign up with the English department. Ryder says he was looking for something "a little more informal," and says that he's got this sonnet half-finished, but it needs touch-ups. Ryder offers fifty dollars. Will says that "the EPA" couldn't clean up the poem. Oh, Lord. Scout says that it looks like it might be a hundred-dollar job. Ryder agrees to the hundred dollars and says he needs the poem finished by tomorrow. Why does Will do this every fucking episode? Why must he continually break the school rules and then whine and moan about how he's almost kicked out week after week? The boy just keeps screwing up. Stealing, lying, cheating, blackmailing, gambling -- he does it all. Expel his ass, Finn. Oh, and -- blinks: twenty. Squints: five. Nods: six. Smirks: endless.
Ryder stands up, lights a cigarette, and looks in the opposite direction. "Aw," he says. He's looking at Terri and Verve. Terri had just crouched down to half-naked Verve. She isn't half-naked, of course, and is in fact dressed for November. She gives the naked dog a pat. "Young love," Ryder says through his cigarette. "Cute couple, aren't they?" Half-naked Will and half-naked Scout act like they don't know what he's talking about. "Saw 'em making out in the common room yesterday," Ryder says. Both Scout and Will whip up their heads. "What?" Will asks. Ryder nods, looks down, nods, swallows, nods, looks up and says, "'strue." Scout tells Ryder to back off. Ryder flicks his cigarette at Scout, walks down the pier, kicks the same guy back into the water (And he was just toweled off! Oh, that meany! So funny!) and walks over to Terri and Verve. He comments on the "lovely summer romance." Check this shit out. Terri actually says, "So, I hear Mad Cow disease is pretty rampant back in England, huh?" She can't even finish the sentence without breaking into giggles. Verve giggles, too. Terri keeps giggling. That is the worst dis I've ever seen in my life. Ever. Really. I hope Ryder comes back with, "Well, a cow rhymes with sow, a sow is a pig, a pig is a hog, a hog rhymes with log, a log is a tree, a tree is nature, nature is beautiful, and so am I. Thank you so much for the compliment." That's what we did in the first grade, anyway. Ryder instead, does better than that by leaning down to Terri and complimenting her taste. "She's a pri-ie one, that dean's daugh-ahr. I'll give you that." Terri looks away, because she had been working on that Mad Cow thing all night long. It was that or jerk store. Verve doesn't know what to say either, so he turns away and does a little splashy with his hand. Ryder walks off.
Will turns to Scout. "So, are they like, out?" "They are now," Scout says. The Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love play a slightly altered tune, now that they've been exposed. "Wow," Will says. "That's bold." Exhale.
Terri looks towards Will and Scout and nods her head. She asks what's up with them. Verve says something but I didn't hear it because my mouth was on my television licking his nipples. Verve says he thinks they're strange. Scout exhales and lies on his back to Will. Terri says that she thinks they think they're the strange ones. Verve's nipples sing me a happy song. Yay!
Sars calls. "Hey, before you go, don't forget to pack your anvil." I tell her I don't have an anvil. "You watching Young Americans?" "Yes." "Is there a big chess piece on your screen right now?" I look. "Yes." "Well, you've got an anvil now. Have fun."
Will and Scout sit in a mostly dark room playing a game of chess. Will takes Scout's bishop with his knight. Scout asks what Bella's mom was like. Will nods, makes a face, nods, and says she wasn't very "mom-like." He says she was different. He reminds Scout that she left when they were six. I don't get it. Did she leave on Bella's sixteenth birthday? Scout takes Will's knight with his own knight and calls check. Will asks why Scout wants to know. "'Cause I know where she lives. She sent Bella a package. Bella threw it in the trash. I ripped off the address." This is like the opposite of Dawson's Creek. Instead of big, long, talky sentences with impressive vocabulary, these kids are all Cro-Magnon with the "Me like sister. Sister mad. Me sad sister mad. Me do things to make it all worse. Me have strong chest. You sleep with teacher. Me talk pretty one day." Will asks why Scout would do that. Scout says that Will knows why he'd do that. "Because as long as there's any doubt..." As we do an extreme close-up on Scout pushing a pawn slowly up one square, Will says, "You can't get over it." Will looks down, shakes his head, smiles, blinks, shakes his head. Scout says he can't get over it as long as it's "one man's word against another's." He says he doesn't know what to do. "How 'bout nothing?" Will offers. "But it's her mom," Scout whines. Will's bishop takes Scout's knight as he reminds Scout that she is Bella's mom, so it's her problem and her decision. Scout wiggles his head and blinks. He takes another pawn as he says this affects him as well. Will blinks, lowers his head, blinks, blinks, blinks, shakes his head, and blinks. Scout stares, blinks, stares, half-smiles. Will says that Bella's been through "enough." He moves his queen to Scout's king. "Checkmate." Scout quickly looks up and blinks. He looks down. Will blinks. He blinks again. I may never stop crying.
MamaVerve does some important things in the near-dark as half-naked boys walk through the dorm halls. Verve walks in. He looks so like Robbie Benson all of a sudden that I'm just not excited anymore. After all that nudity. Man. Now I'm bummed. Oh, fine. He says that since he goes to Rawley and all of the other boys in Rawley get to live in the dorm, he'd like to live in the dorm instead of with his parents. She reminds him that he only lives five hundred yards away. She says in a couple of years he's going to leave for good, anyway. "Mom, I'll be going off to college, not going off to 'Nam." She says not every fifteen-year-old boy moves out for the summer. He says that every kid there does. She says she'll talk to his father. He thanks her and kisses her full on the mouth. "Thanks, Mom," he says with quite a bit of irony. MamaVerve turns around and exhales.
The "Woo" boys are back in the television room, all sitting practically on top of each other and screaming. They clap and shout. Verve walks over them and takes the empty chair in the middle of the huddle. I guess they don't want to sit in the "fag chair." Verve is so happy that Will has to ask him what's going on. "You're freaking me out," he says to him. "I'm moving in!" Verve says, with a look to the heavens. Scout asks why Verve would give up "twenty-four-hour meals, maid service, privacy..." Verve interrupts to ask, "Does it look like my mom runs a vacuum?" Oh, man. That's some sexist shit right there. Verve has a damn DAD, after all. Who calls their mother "maid service"? Will asks who's going to move out. He hopes that it's Ryder. For some reason the other boys are all, "Yeah, that would rule," but they aren't looking in their direction. Verve says that he's going to move in with Terri. Cue the hesitant Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love. All of the boys look at each other, and look down at their penises. They do. Will asks if his parents have a problem with that. Verve asks what the problem is. Will tongues his gum and declares it "no big deal." Scout smiles and says it's cool. "Exactly." Verve gets too happy and has to leave the room. As he runs off, Scout yells, "Well, that's settled!" All of the boys start clapping and talking to each other, pulling money out of their pockets and handing it over to other boys. They are very happy about the happy gay couple. The happiest dorm in New England. Fade to black.
When's the last time there was a commercial? Oh, man. The credits. That's ridiculous.
If Coke is going to be the main sponsor and run promos every commercial break, shouldn't they run more than just the same two over and over?
Will is leaning against some boats as Nick Drake kills us softly with his (third) song. Will's working on the "sonnet." Yikes. "'There's a promise of tomorrow in your smile.' Okay, I'm making myself sick." He rips the page out. As Nick starts singing, Will looks over and sees Liv walking with a friend in slow motion. He goes back to his paper. "I am Earth. You are sky." You are the words. I am the tune. Gag me.
Bella is underneath another car, working on some important part. A boy walks up and asks how she's doing. "Your socks don't match," she tells him. Mismatched Socks rolls her out from under the car and lifts her giggling body. It's Sean. "Hi," she says. "Hello." She laughs.
More giggling. Now they are on a boat. His shirt is off. Hers isn't. But they put her hair over her shirt straps, so this looks straight out of The Blue Lagoon. They stop to eat. She thanks him for taking her out. "I really needed to get out of the gas station today." I hope Grace knows how to give a lube job (shut up, you). Sean smiles and says he knows she did. He says, "Come here," and there's this strange thing where he acts like he's lifting her, but she clearly stands up and sits to him. He puts his arms around her. He kisses her head and plays with her hair as she asks if he thinks she was wrong for not wanting to get in touch with her mother. "I think you gotta go with whatever you feel." He probably is hinting at going with what she's feeling pressing into the back of her Old Navy Board Shorts, because he's still mouthing her head while she's being pouty. "Scout thinks I'm missing this great opportunity," she says. We hear Sean's penis make the sound from The Price is Right when you lose at Plinko. Bah-na-nah-naaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh-waaaahhhhh. "You know? Screw Scout," Sean says. She's trying, Buddy. You don't even know. "I mean, since when is it any of his business?" Sean asks. Bella says it's hard to explain. Sean says it's pretty easy to explain that Scout's "got the hots" for Bella and is trying to get involved in her life any way that he can. Bella gets all mad and says, "No, that's not it." He asks what it is, then. Bella looks down, exhales, blinks and says that Scout and her are friends and they care about each other. "But it's not what you think." Sean has been sniffing a chunk of her hair the entire time. He pushes her away, leans the other way and says, "Okay, so I'm not crazy." Exhale. Exhale. Exhale. Bella sits on the other side of the boat. "Okay, Sean, I'm gonna tell you something? That I haven't told anyone." Exhale. Sean starts nodding, looks up, keeps nodding, nodding, smiling, nodding, eyebrows, nodding, "Yeah?" Purse lips, stare, blink, blink, blink, look down, exhale, lick lips. "The, the thing with me and Scout? Is that [blink, look down], we're kind of...um..." Look up, roll eyes, blink. "What?" Head down, blink, stare. Head roll, distant look. Swallow. Blink. Eyes closed. Blink. Lick lips. "Sean, Scout's my brother." Head down blink. "What?" Look down, blink, blink, blink. Roll eyes. "My mom had an affair with his dad." Squinty mouth-breathing. Look down, blink, blink, blink. "You've gotta be kidding me." Look down. Exhale.
Sean asks why she didn't tell him this before. She says she didn't tell anyone. "Well, I'm not just anyone," InstaLine 2000 spits out. Bella looks down, exhales, puts one finger up to her temple and starts rubbing. Sean exhales and asks if she's "sure about this." Bella continues to rub and says she's pretty sure. Sean looks away, rolls his eyes, exhales, shakes his head, blinks, blinks, shakes his head and says, "Well, you gotta do what you gotta do." Who is she dating -- Tommy Lee Jones? He continues shaking his head as he says he "couldn't live with 'pretty sure.'" Bella has to look down, blink, look up, look down, blink. We pan back to the two of them lowering and raising their heads, exhaling, and twiddling their thumbs. I wonder if they'll change that Nick Drake song from "Pink" to "Blink."
Terri is at her computer when Verve walks in all aglow. They can't stop with the blush on that boy. He walks over to her and they do the moany kiss. He looks at a spot on her wall and asks if she knows what would look great right there. "Hm?" "My new Third Eye Blind poster." Uh, no. Unless he's looking at the trash can. You can't tell from this shot. "You think?" "Uh-huh. And over there... my Fender guitar." Terri is getting confused. "And over there, my stereo which totally blows yours away." He kisses her neck and says it's "stupid" to have two stereos, anyway. She asks what he's talking about. He says he's moving in. He bounces on her bed. "With you." She turns and looks at him. He says he's moving in with her. "Wait. Wait, wait. Back up, like, five hundred feet." He says his parents said that he could move in with her. "Are you crazy?" "Why? It's the answer to our problems." First off, I suggested this a long time ago. But more importantly, Terri's obviously paying quite a bit of money to have a single room. The dean and his wife can't just move their son into there. She asks if he was going to ask her about this or if she was just going to walk in one day to find him there. She says she has no say in this. Verve says he thought she would be "psyched." The hair stylist is on vacation for this episode. There is a noticeable lack of mousse and gel. Verve says he thought she wanted them to be together. "Not living together," she shouts. "I mean, sleeping together? In the same room? No! No! I'm not ready for that!" Verve says he's sick of sneaking around, as if pretending to have gay love in the dorm is no longer sneaking around. Terri crazy pouts and goes back to her computer as she says, "Well, then I guess you're gonna have to think of another solution, because I don't think your posters are gonna match my stuff." Verve blinks twice, looks to the right, blinks twice again and looks back. He gets up and walks out. Terri flinches before the door slams. She exhales, and puts her head in her hand.
Someone is sleeping on a couch, but since it's always so dark in New Rawley, I can't tell who it is. Will is doing his famous sneaking posture as he walks into the room. I think it's Ryder on the couch, though, because he's wearing headphones. Yeah, it is. Will walks over and hits Ryder over the head with his notebook. Will hands him the poem and asks for his money. Ryder says he'll have to read it first. There is drool on Will's upper lip as he says, "It's good, a-ight? Just give me the money." Ryder says that it's "too good" and asks who wrote it. Will says he wrote it. Ryder doesn't believe him. He tosses back the notebook and says, "I won't stand for plagiarism in my name." Will looks down and giggles, because plagiarism is so, like, five episodes ago. There is still that drool on his upper lip as he says, "It's inspired." Will's all, "But hey, if you don't want it, fine." Ryder grabs the notebook. They share a lingering look. Ryder laughs. He hands Will the money and thanks him. He says he has a midterm paper coming up and will talk to him later. "Don't bet on it," Will says. Oh, ha.
Liv Tynot shows up and apologizes for being late. She asks if she can read something to him. He says she can. She pulls out a piece of paper and starts reading Will back his poem. "I am Earth. You are sky. I gaze up to your light beauty. The wind is your touch. Gently, like small fingers dancing. How can I hold the wind?" My cat tries to bite the cable cord in half. Will gets all upset and asks where she got that poem. She says that Ryder wrote it for her. This Cyrano De Crapiac shit continues, but I'll save you. He's mad, she's smitten. There is much head shaking, looking down, blinking and nodding. Oh, and some squints. Maybe it's because it's usually so dark whenever they're in a building, that whenever they shoot a scene outside everyone's all squinty and blinking, shielding their eyes from the sun to look down. Maybe they're just trying not to vomit from the "light beauty." Will asks to reschedule their meeting. She agrees.
Ah. Back to the soothing darkness of the dormitory. Will runs down the stairs and tells Ryder he wants to talk to him. "I'm listening!" Ryder shouts. Will runs full-speed up behind him, grabs his arm and shouts, "Hey!" Ryder flips around and screams, "Krudski! What the hell?" Will says that Ryder used him to get to Liv. "You got paid." "You're a jerk." "Wah! I'm Will! 'You're a jerk!' Take that, you big, British bad guy! Wah! time I might call you a gaywad!" Ryder stands close enough to kiss and asks if he likes Liv. He stops Will and says he already knew the answer to that. Will asks if he did this "just to screw [him]." Ryder says that no, he did it to get to Liv. "Screwing you is just a fun by-product." "I made you a poet. Made Caroline think you had a heart." Well, thank you, Wizard. Do you think you could get Bella a dad, Scout a lay and me some Valium before I peek behind your curtain? Ryder tells him not to get his "panties in a twist." He says Will can have her as soon as he's "finished." He walks off into the dark. Will stares as we fade to black.
Pan down from a flag to find Verve sitting on his windowsill. Scout and Will meet at the bike rack as Will fills Scout in on Ryder's latest evil undertaking. Will says that Ryder was who was "keeping her warm at home." "No way," Scout says, and I have to agree, since Ryder was here last week extorting money and racking up gambling debts. "My life," Will laments. Scout asks what Will's going to do. Will suggests a good tarring and feathering. Scout laughs. I don't. They spot Verve perched on his sill, staring into nothing. He says hello. Will asks if he's okay. Verve moves a very taut muscle in his arm and asks why they're asking. Scout says he looks "a little depressed." Verve looks down: "Well, I'm not going to jump, if that's what you're thinking." This cues a few lame jokes about "oh, good" and "that's good news" and "does gay blood look like regular blood" type of humor from Scout and Will. Scout asks when Verve is moving in with Terri. "I'm not." "Oh." "Oh." Verve squints, shakes his head, looks down and says, "My posters don't match his furniture." Will laughs at the gay joke and Scout squints and nods, squints and nods, and bites his lip. "I guess they broke up," Scout says to Will as he walks off. "Kinda disappointed," Will squints.
Another song, which is some sort of poor man's 4 Non Blondes (which is just the poor man's Concrete Blonde) starts playing as Bella sits at Ye Olde Gas Pumpe and reads a magazine. Terri pulls up on her motorcycle, looking like a very hot guy. Bella looks, squints, blinks, blinks, and bites her lip. She says hi. Terri says hi back. Bella asks if Terri needs any help (isn't this a full-service station?) but Terri says she's got it. Bella stares at Terri's girl hands. She has some problems with getting the pump started, and Bella smiles, puts down her magazine, and gets up to help. Bella compliments Terri's bike. Terri thanks her and tells her that she's not supposed to have it at Rawley so she'd appreciate Bella's keeping it a secret. "My lips are sealed," Bella says with a head-shake. Terri looks down, nods, bites her lip and thanks her. Bella says that it must "be cool to be the only guy at Rawley with a motorcycle." Terri interrupts her with embarrassment and says that it is. She notices some oil or gas or something on her jeans and starts to lick her fingers and rub the spot. Bella tells her that she can get that out with a little "salt and soda water." Terri thanks her. She says they're brand-new. Bella nods and says, "Yeah, they look really cute on you." Terri asks her if she's sure. "You sure they don't make me look kind of..." "Fat?" Bella asks. Awkward quiet moment, where it's not sure if Terri thinks Bella called her fat, or if she figured out that Bella knows she's a girl. "They actually look really great," Bella smiles. Terri still has her jaw set while Bella continues. "In fact, first time I saw you, I thought..." "You thought what?" "Nothing, never mind." "What?" Terri asks. Bella blinks and says, "No, if I'm wrong, I'm gonna set myself on fire." Ooh! Be wrong! Be wrong! Terri asks Bella what she was thinking. "Well, I, uh...I, I thought, 'Why is this beautiful girl dressing like a guy?'" Terri looks down and nods, smiles, nods, looks away. Bella stares and blinks. Terri takes off her helmet, kisses it, and holds it to her chest. "I knew it," Bella says. Terri smiles at her. Bella laughs.
Sitting in the station, Terri is reading through Bella's magazine. "Can I just say how much I missed this mindless crap? I mean, listen to this: 'Is your guy going too fast?' Uh, yeah, he is." Bella asks if she means Verve. Terri tells her that Verve is trying to move into her dorm room. She says that Verve didn't even ask her about it. "He kinda decided this on his own." She says she "totally freaked out at him." Bella smiles and nods her head. "You guys totally in love?" Terri looks up, blinks, blinks and smiles. Bella laughs. "Yeah, you are." Terri pulls her legs up into her chest and giggles. "Yeah, pretty much," she agrees. "No wonder they all think you're gay," Bella says. Terri closes her eyes and says, "It's so out of control." "And all this just to get back at your mom?" Really? They're still going with that? Because she totally missed her chance. Oh, right. The Bella-Mom thing. Right. How convenient. Bella looks down, blinks five times, snorts, squints and says she understands. Terri squints. Bella looks up and says, "Sometimes I wonder what I would do to get back at my mom for leaving." Terri says she doesn't recommend cross-dressing and that boxers are "really annoying." Girlie-laughing ensues. Terri asks if Bella's ever told her mom how she feels. Bella says she hasn't seen her in ten years. There's a pause in the middle of this sentence so Bella can watch Scout walk out of the Bankruptcy Diner. Terri follows Bella's gaze and says that Scout is pretty cute. "You two are...um...?" Bella says that they are just "really good friends." "Right," Terri nods. She says that's what she says about her and Verve. Bella says that it's complicated. Even though Terri has just spilled all of her secrets in three minutes to her, she doesn't share one thing about her personal life. Lots of nodding and blinking.
The scene is done in almost complete darkness. The only light comes from the window behind Will and Liv, but you can't see them at all. She reads a poem by Elizabeth Barret Browning that he picked out. He's all smug about it, but you can hardly tell in the blackout. "So, Caroline, I wanted to talk to you about..." Massive amounts of blinking and head-lowering and squinting and staring. "About?" More blinks, stares, squints. "I think you're ready to write," Will smiles. "A poem?" Liv's a quick one, kids. "No, a minuet. Yes, a poem!" Liv gives that horrible fake-laugh she has, and then suggests that her homework will be to write a love sonnet for Ryder. There is some laughing, head bobbing, squinting and blinking. Liv apologizes for being an idiot. Will asks if she's really serious about Ryder. She says he's a great guy. "I mean...you know." Which sounds like she's pretty sure Will has a crush on him, too. Twenty-seven blinks later and after much stammering, Will tells Liv that Ryder is not a great guy. Liv exhales. "He's not who you think he is. And I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't believe it. But you've got to trust me on this one. He didn't even..." "He didn't even, what, Will?" Will says that he's dishonest. Liv gets all offended, screeching about how she can't believe Will would say such a thing to her. "Why are you trying to hurt me like that?" Girl, with your voice, and that acting, I was just about to ask you the same question. Will says that Ryder will hurt her. She silences him with a sound like, "Ghap!" From the depths of the shadows she says that "this whole thing was a bad idea." She gets up and leaves. I wonder how she finds the door in the darkness. We stare at the outline of Will's head for a few seconds, and I assume if there was even a sliver of light on him, we might be treated to some more blinking and lip-chewing.
I have given up all hope.
Everyone is now dressed at Lake Homoerotica, and carrying around giant inner tubes. Terri wears a black tight shirt and walks past Ryder, who is smoking a cigarette. Terri sits down at the edge of the pier. Verve walks down wearing a tank-top and passes Ryder. "There's no smoking in school, Butt Boy," Verve snarks. "Huzzah!" come the shouts of thetruth.com. Ryder exhales and says, "Rather ironic insult coming from you." Ha! Verve just stares because he's dumb and beautiful, and that's how he conveys emotion. He leans down to Terri and mumbles something about Ryder being "a jerk." Does anyone still call anyone a jerk anymore? Guys, try "jag," it's much more effective. Terri starts apologizing for their fight, because she's never allowed to be angry at him for more than five minutes. Ryder interrupts to say, "Hey, kids! Do let me know where you register. I'm so hoping no one's gotten you a shower caddy for two yet." Verve stands up, walks over to Ryder and punches him. It looks just like Edward Norton punching Brad Pitt in the ear. Terri runs over and shouts, "This is so not worth it!" Verve spins around and says, "This is so not worth it." He storms off. Terri walks off in the direction of the water. Ryder stares for a while and then remembers he's supposed to act like he just got punched in the chin.
Okay, and now for the most gratuitous scene in Young Americans' short history. Bella stands in the middle of the lake in her tiny bikini, splashing around and showing us her dirty pillows. Lots of slow motion shots of her running water over her small hips and tight stomach. She splashes herself in the face a few times. Nick Drake is still going on with his guitar. Bella walks, walks, walks and walks with the camera caressing her wet flesh. She does a Sports Illustrated-worthy lean on the pier as she exhales.
Scout pops from behind a tree and stops to stare at her for a few seconds. He doesn't even bother to close his mouth. He walks over and stands to her. She pushes her hips up towards his face as he looks down at her waiting, dripping body. He sits down in his Capri pants and clears his throat. He says that Grace told her that she'd be there. Bella looks off, squints, blinks and says that she just needed to float around in the lake for a while. "Kinda make the world disappear," she smiles. Nodding and blinking. "I know how that feels." Nodding and blinking. Lip biting. Wasting my time. Scout gives Bella back the return address of her mother that he stole from her trash. There. Take that sentence, add nineteen stammers, an insane amount of squinting and blinking, a slow caressing of Bella's torso and some head-bobbing, and you have the last two minutes of this scene. Tedious! Everything is just so tedious! Bella asks why Scout would take something from her trash. "Because I'm selfish and I was gonna look up your mother." Your mother. That sentence makes me laugh for five minutes. He's already done with trying to look up Bella, and now he's gonna look up her mother. Hey, at least he knows she puts out. Maybe he and his dad can compare notes. Then he can be Bella's fourth dad and ground her until she sleeps with him. He could sell "Look up your mother" to Verve so he has a better Mother joke for the time he's confronting Ryder. Scout says he still wants to look up her mother (hee!) but isn't going to as long as she doesn't want to. "Keep that," he orders her. Five blinks and two head-bobs. "It's your decision, not mine." Thanks, Scout. You're a fucking peach. A full minute of blinking and head-lowering as Scout walks away from Bella. I realize that I probably shouldn't have skipped my junior year acting class when we studied Stanislavski's An Actor Blinks.
Terri walks into the television room wearing a Number Nine jersey and announces she's "leaving Rawley." She says she can't take it anymore either, and he doesn't have to worry about sneaking around anymore. She says it's all over. As Verve blinks, squints and stares she turns back around and says, "Oh. And before I go I'm telling everyone I'm a girl." Verve watches her walk off without saying a word.
Terri packs a bag. Verve stands in the doorway. "You don't have to do that, you know?" Terri continues packing and says, "Why not? You get your reputation. I get to wear skirts." Verve acts like this is all very tedious and drones, "It's my problem." "Yeah? And I'm the cause, so poof, the problem is solved." Ignore the poof joke, kids. Terri says she can't take the pressure and she can't keep doing all of this. Verve says he'd have a harder time living without her. This stops the packing and forces some major staring. "I don't care about my reputation. I don't want to lose you." Terri reminds him that he said it's not worth it. She goes back to packing. Verve shuts the door and says, "Don't listen to me. I'm an idiot." She starts to talk, but he grabs her face and tells her to "drop it." "You're not going anywhere," he orders. He touches her lip. "Well, when you put it that way," she whispers. Oh, man. Can't she be genuinely angry at him? He tried to move in and then told her she wasn't worth all of this and one little lip fondle and she's back to estrogoo? He's cute, sure, but he says some really dumb things. He says that he's staying "at home." He adds that his parents are bound to go away sometime for the fall semester. He gives a wink. Like they can't make out in her bedroom now? They already do. Or is he implying she's going to have to move in with him? They nod and stare for a while, keeping the one-inch distance from each other's lips. Verve stammers an apology about pushing things too quickly. "It's just..." Lip-licking, staring, blinking, head-wiggling, licking, blinking. "I love you." Terri nods and says, "Yeah, I know." Verve swallows. They give each other deep-tongue kisses. Wow. That's a lot of tongue.
Cut to Ryder tonguing a different girl. Not Liv! Mmm. Ryder tongue. Will walks by to ruin everything and shouts Ryder's name. Ryder breaks from his kiss as Will shouts, "What do you think you're doing?" "Don't worry, love," Ryder says as he trails his finger down Will's chest. "I'm saving some for you." Will slaps Ryder's hand away and asks, "What if Caroline sees you?" "Who's Caroline?" Bench Bimbo pipes up. "You don't even care about her, do you?" Ryder calls Will the "love police" and tells him to go away. Will tells Ryder to leave Liv alone. Ryder says, "Why? So you can have her?" Will says that's "pretty much impossible now." Ryder asks why Will's bothering him. Will says it's because he cares about Liv. "Don't you get it? I like her." Cue Liv walking into the scene, just behind the action so she can hear the conversation behind the bush. "The poem? It's for Caroline. It was about her." "You can have her then! She's yours." Liv stares with her mouth open in that blue, flowery dress I hate so much. Will starts to threaten Ryder but Liv shouts, "Will!" Everyone stares at Liv and Bench Bimbo even sizes her up just a bit. Ryder stands up and faces Liv. "Look, I didn't mean it like that," he starts. As Ryder says Liv's name and she pulls back her hand for a face-slap, we see a cameraman standing right behind her, holding his camera, ready to get the reaction shot from Ryder. Nice work, editing crew. I hope your cameraman gets screen credits. He's there a second later, as Liv is storming off, but he's not holding a camera anymore. Then as Ryder starts running towards Liv, the cameraman is now holding a golf club. I refuse to try and understand anything anymore. As Ryder starts to run, Will pushes Ryder to the ground. It's the most pathetic display of manliness I've ever seen. "Looks like your Love Visa just expired," Will snarls. Yeah, but Ryder's Love Visa had 6.9% financing. The cameraman is now holding a motorcycle helmet, for those of you playing the prop game at home. Will makes kissy-faces at Ryder and runs off after his princess. Ryder forgets what physical violence was supposed to have just happened, and rubs his chin where Verve punched him instead of the cheek Liv slapped or the pec Will felt up. After much discussion and rewinding, it is decided that the extra is just holding a lacrosse helmet on a stick and keeps changing shoulders. I like my idea better.
Teleportation. Liv is already in the swimsuit pose on the edge of the pier. Will walks up. "Hey," he says. "Hi," she whispers. She squints. "Kinda weird that a creep like Ryder could write such a beautiful poem." Oh, man. This girl is really bad at this whole saying-sentences-that-were-written-down thing. Will blinks six times and looks down with a grin. She gives the Liv pout and says, "Ironic." Oh. The Alanis form of "Ironic," I guess. "Yeah," Will says, not wanting to correct the woman he wants to bang. "Yes, it is." He's still laughing, though, because he's that perfect and intelligent. Liv makes the worst joke ever about having Ryder deported. There is a moment of silence while Will sits down and Liv smirks all proudly for saying a three-syllable word. Will wins the coveted Worst Line This Episode with, "Maybe you should stay away from fancy imports. Date domestically." Liv hums and says that perhaps someone should ask her out already. Will asks her out. Much "tension" mounts until she says yes. Okay? That's it. Add nine hundred nods and blinks and you've got this scene. Let's move on. I hate my life.
More Nick Drake! You demanded it, didn't you? I've heard this "Pink" thing six times this episode alone. Okay, almost complete darkness and slow motion as we watch all sorts of people kiss. You can't really tell who anyone is. Sean leads a blindfolded Bella into the darkened Bankruptcy Diner and rips the blindfold off to start her surprise party. Hail, hail, the gang's all here. Except for Paige. And L.A. Girl. And Grace. And any of Bella's dads. And you'd think Finn would love this shit. As everyone runs over to hug the Sweet Sixteen, we catch a glimpse of the not-happy Scout. Bella can't stop smiling and wiping her eyes in complete surprise. Bella kisses Sean. Now. Over all of this, on top of this slow motion schmaltz, we still have to hear Will's voice-over. You ready? It's pretty bad. Okay. You were warned. "When exactly do we go from being kids...to being just people, I'm not sure. I do think that it's not about turning a certain age or graduating from school. It happens when you're not paying attention. We go from playing with our friends to playing with our friends' feelings." Okay, just one question. Does that Nick Drake song go, "So, I written on a soy-say?" Is it, "Saw you written on a soy cake?" "So, I rid another sorbee?" "Swa bitten alma zawzey?" I think the line is "Pink Moon is on his way." Bella looks right at Scout. They stare for a while. She smiles, he doesn't. She keeps smiling. He melts, because he just loves the shit out of her. She walks over to him, and he gives her a tennis bracelet. He puts it on her as they share and incestuous moment of lust. Sean watches, not buying this whole sibling crap. Okay, back to Will: "Without our knowledge or consent, childhood slips away in the night, and our innocence escapes us. And we wake up one morning to find...we have become...who we are." That is so deep. Because I can't even remember how many times I woke up as someone else before I found myself waking up as myself. It reminds me of another great writer, who once said, "Zoy written on a saw-zay." Will and Liv kiss because we're supposed to care as we pan out from the Bankruptcy Diner which has no problems renting out to a bunch of kids without one chaperone and we fade to black.
Not even one snippet of the final episode. Aren't you just on pins and needles? I am. I use them to make the pain in my ass go from virtual to actual.