Pamie's recap. Brought to you in part by Diet Coke. And Marlboro Lights. And very special sponsor: masochism.
Previously on Young Americans: Liv Tynot gives Will the "burn!" by telling him he's a pretty good phony. Whiplash Editing takes us to the first episode, where Bella tells Scout that her mother left when she was six. Mamawhore shares a moment with Bella. Scout asks Bella if she ever wonders if they'd be legally allowed to have sex. Verve tells Terri that he loves her. They kiss to the beat of the Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love.
I'm warning you now: "Free Will" means they are exercising their free will to torture us with so much Will that you change your name to Surrender McBlandWriting.
And we missed Will's voice-overs so much, didn't we? Butt-shots and frolicking while the Rawley "boys" play football as we hear: "When is the age...or even the moment we go from being kids to being...something else? I mean, so much can happen in a year. People say that we're growing up too fast today. Sometimes adults make it sound like it's our fault, or at least our choice. But how can we not? We feel invincible and we know so much. One thing I do know is that we're so eager to lose our innocence. And I wonder if one day we'll look back...and wish we hadn't." Is this a journal he's keeping or something? And, I don't know, I've played football a few times, and I'm pretty sure at one point during that game, someone would have felt Terri's Ace bandage. Or at least popped her bra strap. It's okay. There was so much homoerotica in that scene that I don't mind any stretch of logic. Mmm. Cute boys holding each other and laughing. Jumping and flexing. Looks like Christmas came a little bit earlier this year.
Bella works on the Truck of Constant Repair as Sean walks up and offers to help her out. She Girl-Powers him and says she doesn't need any, but he moves her aside and unscrews the cap for her anyway. She giggles, giggles, flirts and thanks him, instead of saying, "I said I didn't need your help, Macho Fuck." Sean reminds her that her birthday is coming up, and asks what she wants: "You can tell Mr. Reynolds he need a new transmission." Every day this girl gets closer to becoming Tiny Tim. He says it's her "Sweet Sixteen," and that she should come up with a real present. She asks for a trip to Paris. Sean bites his tongue and says he doesn't know about that. She laughs. She says he should just surprise her. "Oh, you like surprises?" he asks, as he leans in to kiss her.
"Well, here's one," Scout shouts, stopping their kiss and walking into their moment. He really is a schmuck, isn't he? He says there's another surprise that isn't him. He's holding a package that arrived for Bella. He says it was "mistakenly delivered at the diner." Because the postman has a hard time keeping the nine addresses of New Rawley Main Street separated.
Scout and Sean stand to each other but refuse to look at each other. Scout flexes his man-boobs. Bella says they could at least be civil to each other and say hello. Sean realizes he's being a bit stupid, laughs, smiles and says hello to Scout. Scout doesn't even glance in Sean's direction, but flexes his jaw and gives an icy hello. Nice. Bella opens the card taped to the top of the package (How did they send that?) and holds the card up so we can read the front. It says "Dear Daughter." "Oh, my God," Bella says after ten seconds. She tells Sean and Scout that it's from her mother. This activates the Nick Drake Soundtrack of Growing Up Too Quickly. She slams the present and the card into the trash and walks off. Sean follows her to console her. Scout, making sure he breaks at least one law per episode, rips the return address off the package. He reads it, and walks off. What an asshole.
The names are back in the opening credits. I don't know. Ian Somerhalder, Somerhaldhim -- and lick him and make him call them "Princess."
The Pier of "Knowledge." The boys are all in tiny clothes, tank-tops and shorts. Verve reads a selection. Terri doesn't have to wear tiny clothes. In fact, she's wearing about four layers of shirts. "Intense," Verve says as he finishes his reading. "Yes, it is." I didn't know it was possible, but Finn is even greasier than the last time we saw him. His hair is out of control. Finn asks what the piece is about. Verve tells him, and Finn says that's more of a summary. He asks what the piece is "really about." Verve sits and thinks for a second, which is Will's cue to pipe up and kiss Finn's hairy ass one more time. Why is he the only one allowed to answer questions? "Destiny." This cues the "Will's So Deep" background music, as Verve gives Will a look like, "I was going to say that, asswipe." Finn is, of course, incredibly aroused at the sound of Will's voice, and asks him to go on. "Life is predetermined. Nothing you can do can alter your fate." Thanks for the definition, Will. Scout looks from Will to Finn. Finn asks if Will believes that. Scout looks back from Finn to Will. They've added some students in the background. One is African-American, and one is Hispanic. Oh, WB, you listen to our cries for multi-racial casting so well! We will never doubt you again! "Sometimes," the deep thinker responds. "Like not to," Scout squints. "Why not?" Finn asks. Scout continues lounging on his back in full Shakespearean angst to say that he'd like control of his own life. Finn laughs and says that they'd all like that. "But you might want to take that up with Buddha." Everyone laughs. "Or the Dalai Lama. Or Gandhi, or any number of Eastern religious icons. I feel it's more about specifics. Sometimes philosophical, sometimes just practical." Crazy flute music goes on in the background as everyone discusses what you can and cannot change. Finn asks what they think can't be changed. "Your height," Terri says. "Personality," Verve offers. Terri says that's questionable. Man, can't a Verve get one damn answer right in this series? Why is he always in the wrong? Scout gets all smiley and says, "Your parents." Everyone agrees that you can't change your parents. Whatever. I saw Irreconcilable Differences. Oh, and yes, this scene was just as boring as it sounded.
Bankruptcy Diner. Heavy-set extras sit on the area outside the restaurant. There are lights on inside, and there are even a few customers. Scout stares at Bella through the restaurant window while she sits at her table. He's still in his Crew uniform. He inhales, exhales, and enters the restaurant. He asks her to buy him a COKE. She says that she's just a poor working girl. He says he'll treat. She pulls out another straw and sticks it in her glass. He's touched. He apologizes about earlier. "You must be completely freaked out about this whole thing." Bella lowers her head, listens to more music from the Nick Drake soundtrack and says, "Yeah, I am." She says she thought she wasn't going to hear from her again and she wonders what she wants. Scout says that she probably wants to meet her. Bella says she's not going to tell Charlie or Grace because they'll just end up miserable again if they see her. Scout reminds Bella that she's talking about her mother. "You know what, Scout? She forgot that a long time ago?" There are so many statements asked in the form of a question in this show. Scout nods, looks down, blinks, nods, looks up. Bella blinks, looks down, blinks, blinks, exhales through her nose. She says she's going to add this to her list of what she did on her summer vacation. She met her dad, but really only filled his gas tank at the station. She fell in love with her brother. And her mother who's been missing for ten years suddenly resurfaces "and wants to get together." Scout's all, "Fell in love?" And Bella says she was being "dramatic." Oh, so that's what it looks like. Scout looks down, nods, blinks, smirks, nods, blinks. Bella looks down, blinks, nods, blinks. She says as far as she's concerned she doesn't have a mother. "Are you at least curious?" Scout asks. "Scout, this is my mom, okay? Do you not get that? And I have a lot of issues with this, and a lot of them have nothing to do with you, okay? And all you care about is whether we're related or not. That's all you care about." Scout says that he, in fact, cares about her. "Really? Then act like it." Bella storms off. Scout mouth-breathes, blinks, blinks, sighs, shifts, sighs, blinks, sighs, and puts his hand by his crotch. What? He does.
Outside shot of Rawley Academy so we don't get lost with all of the location shots.
Finn is walking through the dark. This causes Will to walk by with his hands in his pockets. Finn congratulates Will. He says that his "request to tutor" has been approved by the English department. There's a department? And isn't summer almost over? Will says that's great. Finn gulps, nods his head, gives a stern look and says, "All for the love of poetry, right?" Will says there's that, but there's also twenty bucks an hour. He asks when he starts. Finn's all, "Five minutes ago." There's already his student waiting in one of the rooms. Will starts to run off but Finn calls him back, laughing, because Will forgot to take the assignment from him, and that it has the word "ass" in it. Will has to trot back and forth in front of Finn a few times. Finn puts his book over his crotch and walks away.
Free Will
Will enters a dark room. Long legs in a fancy dress sit in a giant leather chair. I guess girls can just run all over the boys' dorm at Rawley. When I lived in a dorm, if one male was caught unescorted, the entire first floor would scream, "Boy! Boy! Hide your titties! Boy! Boy!" and an alarm would go off and the boy would be kicked out onto Whitis Avenue. The woman turns around. It's Liv Tynot, of course. Will asks if she's there to be tutored. She says she is, and asks if he's going to be tutored as well. He tells her that he's the tutor. I hope that their first lesson is in tedious dialogue. She asks if this is going to be awkward for him. I thought they made up at the end of that episode with that whole, "Hi, my name is / What? / My name is / Who? / My name is / Will Krudski" note-writing thing. He says it won't be weird unless it's weird for her. She says she's fine if he's fine. I start watching Road Rules to see if I really do look like Holly. I don't know what you guys are talking about. Seriously. As Will sits down, Liv Tynot brings up the cotillion. This causes a close-up on Will so he can look down, nod, smirk, nod, and look back up. She says she knows he was just trying to "fit in." Will looks down, nods, laughs, nods and says, "Yeah, I was." He says that she was really angry, so he didn't call her. She smiles, nods, smiles. He says he thought it would be "pressing [his] luck" to talk to her again. She smiles the tightest smile I've ever seen, tosses her head back, nods, smiles, nods. "And then you went away," he says. "I did," she says. Nods, smiles, nods, nods. Will swallows, blinks and asks if she had fun. She says it was fun. "Ten people in a castle in Rome. No electricity, no heat." So that was her in The 1900 House? Man, she doesn't look so good in a corset. Oh, no, wait. Right. When she was in Stealing Beauty. That's how much these people want us to project Liv Tyler onto her. "And no one to keep you warm?" Will asks. Liv says that she did, in fact, have someone there to keep her warm. Thus ends that conversation. Will looks down, nods, looks away. Liv apologizes for hurting his feelings. He says it's okay. Nods, smiles, nods, blinks, nods, blinks, nods. He says he's glad she had a good time. Liv smiles, blinks, thanks him, blinks, and smiles. Will puffs his cheeks, flaps his fingers, looks down, blinks, exhales, blinks, nods. Liv smiles, looks down, nods, opens her mouth, closes it. He says they should get started. She smiles, agrees, nods, blinks, nods, looks down, looks up. Will smiles, laughs, nods, looks down, sits closer and opens a book. Blink, nod, look up. Liv blinks, smiles, blinks and stares. Jesus Christ. Dueling Saint Clare II walks down from her pedestal, stands in front of me and begins slapping each side of my face over and over. "What's her problem?" I ask Saint Clare I. "This is a house of hell, you evil woman," she screams. My cat knocks her off her pedestal with one paw. I hold upsdosv ow! Hey! lsdrmwselkv slekma''this is saint clare the second speaking to all of you as quickly as I can jump around these keys. please. please. save us. we cannot take it anymore. we know there is only one more episode. but you have to understand. we just finished watching last week's just three days ago. it wasn't enough time. we haven't restored our energy. we didn't have the strength in us to make this even a slightly tolerable episode. being the patron saint of television is exhausting work. we work long, thankless hours full of pain and suffering. we were busy with the good times e! true hollywood story, and didn't realize we were about to have an early episode of young nazis. oh, please, forgive us. save us from pamie. at night she sticks us in the freezer and places a small cassette player inside. she has it on loop. it plays billy ocean's "get out of my dreams (get into my car)" over and over and over again. we can't stop her. we hate her. we want to make week's finale as intolerable as possible. but we fear she might, in fact, burn us alive if we do. please, support our efforts. please. join the mailing list. don't let her smiling face fool you. she is evil. she's not even taking us with her on vacation this week. don't you think I'd like to see a spa? don't you think I'd like a rest? don't you think I wish I had gone to school and learned proper punctuation? I can't do that. I'm just a patron saint. it's one step above townie. we worked really hard to get everyone nearly naked in this episode. we didn't have time for plot or writing. we never sleep. we never eat. we do this for you. don't let her kill us. oh, she's waking up! I have to go. The saint clares love you!