Okay, I don't know how to put this, but this episode of Young Americans is kinda...well, good. I guess if "good" means "didn't suck ass like all of the others."
Previously on Young Americans: Strap on your way-back machines, kids, because we're flashing back to the first episode. Terri kisses Verve. She apologizes. Hurry-Up Machine to the second episode, when Verve says that he could have punched her for kissing him, but he didn't, but she'd better not think about kissing him again. Jump way forward to Verve busting into the boys' bathroom in episode three to kiss Terri again. She tells him she's a girl. Boom! She's in the stall flashing her 34Bs. Now she's in a pink dress and he's kissing her. Whiplash! Whiplash! BadDad and Mamawhore are dropping Will off for his first day of Rawley. Screech all the way forward to the last episode where Will gives Daddy Monologue II: Schmaltzy Boogaloo to Bella. Wham! Mamawhore tells Will that BadDad is jealous of him. Will yells. Ow! Ow! Head reeling! First episode again, where Bella's First Dad is telling Scout that his dad is Bella's dad, even though he himself won't be Bella's dad in the last episode. Zoom! Bella hands the cell phone to Scout and tells him that their dad is on the phone. Jump to the Truck of Constant Repair, where Scout tells Bella she should meet their dad, but she thinks he might not want to meet her. Snip! Senator MakesMeGiggle is announcing that there's a "crazy girl running around town" telling everyone that he's her father. Flash! Bella asks Scout if they are going to tell his dad together, and Scout tells her that it's not a good time. Bella stands in the blue light in her blue dress and cries.
Welcome to Young Americans. Clearly, those past five episodes were completely unnecessary.
A red Corvette zooms out of a lot. The seating arrangements are straight out of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Sloan and Ferris are in the front seat, while Cameron is propped up with his arms over the back of the car. The car races down a windy road while the stunt driver in an almost silver wig does his best Bella impersonation. The car is suddenly stopped. The camera zooms up to Bella, who has her head in her hands and she's mumbling through her fingers, "I just stole a Corvette. I just stole a Corvette. I just stole a Corvette!" Will puts his hand out and says, "Just, just --" "Hold it!" The screen freezes, and Bella is doing us the honor of a voice-over. "This isn't what it looks like. Let's go back to the beginning." The screen goes to black and a title reads "12 Hours Earlier."
I am Jack's sense of ripping off a film.
"It all started when I decided to write a letter. A letter to my real father." Now, since they think we're dumb, we now have to watch this letter writing in excruciating detail. While Will fumes in Finn's room, Bella flips her head back and begins. "Dear Senator Calhoun." You know, if you're writing a letter to your father, do you have to start it with such formality? "It's almost impossible to know where to start." The background music is that "Storybook Story" rip-off again. We periodically cut back to shots of the letter. Bella's handwriting is like a nine-year-old's. All loopy and wiggly. She writes her cursive "m"s with three humps. "All my life I've wondered about you. My name is Bella Banks. I guess I'm writing you this letter...because I wanted you to know that I exist...and that I'm your daughter."
Bankruptcy Diner. Okay, check this: Verve, Terri, and Scout are all hanging out at the diner bar. I guess now everyone is all chummy since they think Terri and Verve are gay. They are playing that stupid game from three-year-old beer commercials: "Would you rather?" "Cameron kills Julia," someone says. I think it's Scout, since he's got a thing for blondes. Terri offers the obvious choice of "Chloe Sevigny or Hilary Swank." I can't imagine that anyone has ever asked that question before ever. Also, for some reason Terri calls her "Chloe Sah-vinn-yay." I've heard some butcherings of that name, but man, that takes the cake. "Oh, I think Chloe," Scout says. "No," Verve corrects him through his ice cream sundae. "Hilary." He turns to Terri. "Definitely Hilary," he smiles at her. She gives him the "good answer, non-gay lover" smirk. "Clinton?" Will asks, walking in just a bit too late for the joke. "Swank," Verve corrects. "Oh, yeah, of course," Will says, which makes me wonder if Will was choosing between Clinton and Swank, or if he's into Terri as well. Mmm, that would be fun. But they can't possibly give a good plotline to Will. That's not how things work. For some reason Verve changes the game completely and asks, "Debutante or down-home girl?" I'd like to go down-home girl, if you know what I'm sayin'. Sorry. Scout acts offended and says, "Oh, that's..." he looks to the left, which activates the BTS (or Bella Tracking System) and sees her sitting under the neon sign in her father's gas station. Bella's Ye Old Gas Pumpe is called "Charlie's Gas and Tow." No wonder the only truck they fix is the Truck of Constant Repair. "Debutante, right?" Verve asks. He then follows Scout's gaze to Bella. It's so dark in there, guys. I don't know how they can see each other. "Or maybe not," Verve says with an air of suspicion. Terri keeps her mouth open, because that's what she's learned from these boys. Will mumbles in Scout's ear, "Hello, Earth to Incest Boy." No, y'all, he really did. I rewound it, like, six times to make sure. That's what he said. That might be the best line they've ever given Will. That's beautiful. Incest Boy. Shit. "He's on the fence," Will says to Terri and Verve. Terri finds this funny for some reason and laughs. Maybe she heard Will's mumble. Will tells Scout to ask Bella to join them. "I'm working," Scout snaps. "I'll cover you." Cover his what? Terri and Verve just started their ice cream, and all of the lights are already out. Scout walks off as Verve and Terri share a "maybe we don't have the most fucked-up relationship here" smile.
Bella is still crafting her letter, using her Townie Dictionary to see if "incest" is spelled with two "s"s. Scout just walks in, and Bella is understandably startled. As she's asking him why he just barged in, she's folding her letter with these incredibly shaky hands. She reminds him that this is her house. "This is a gas station, you live upstairs." Nice insult of her house, moron. Extreme close-up on the letter as Bella tells him that he shouldn't sneak up on people. We watch her move-by-move as she places the folded letter into the pocket of the coat on the wall behind her. Woah! We go into shaky-cam-slo-mo as we slowly watch the coat hang and not do anything, but it's got that letter inside of it. Don't forget! The coat has the letter. The letter that Bella wrote to her father, the Senator, is in the pocket of that coat. The brown one. With fringe. There. On the wall. Right behind Bella. The coat that plays that scary music in slow motion. Watch the coat. Waaaaaaaatch the cooooooat. Quick music shoosh as Scout asks, "Are you okay?" Bella scratches her chin and says she's fine. Scout says he thought he'd come over because she "looked lonely." What a line. "I get lonely. You never visit me!" Oh, sweet, drunk, slutty, pre-teen Grace. How much I've missed you. Scout says hello to the Sister of Sin as Bella rolls her eyes. We hear the gas station bell ring. What time is it? She tells Grace to "lay low" as she walks off. It's all dark, but I guess the shop is open. "Nice jacket," Grace says without missing a crucial plotline beat, and picks the jacket off the wall. Scout makes a face like he knows she shouldn't take the jacket because he saw Bella put the letter into it, but he doesn't say or do anything because he's not the gas-truck-saving Wesley that Sean is. Grace puts the jacket on and walks out of the office. She stands on the curb. She looks like one of those commercials where they tell you that your parents don't really hate you and you should pick up a phone and "keep dialing nine." Scout "thinks" for a second, and then walks out of the office towards the Runaway Train video, already in progress. Scout walks over to Bella as Grace's ride shows up. "Whassup?" one of them asks her. "See you later, I borrowed your jacket!" Grace shouts to Bella as she gets into the car. I say car, here, but it's a Range Rover. Bella turns around and shouts, "No, no, no, wait, wait, Grace, Grace! I left something in the pocket!" But she doesn't actually move towards the vehicle, so it takes off as it shows us its Range Rover name right over its Maryland plates. Hey! Townies aren't from Maryland! It wheels off full of boys yelling the words "Woo" and "Yeah." Bella sighs. "My letter," she reminds us all once again as we finally, finally, finally fade to black.
Mmm. The opening credits. Let's sing the opening song, shall we?
Lake Homoerotica.
Row, boys, row.
Girls in tiny swimsuits
Scout is all aglow.
Will looks around
The Fab Five is in rain.
Will jumps over a boat
Bella's smirk causes pain.
Everybody needs
A little brother love.
Where would we be
Without some sister love?
Kid falls in water.
Scout tightens his jaw.
Will skips a stone.
Terri's face just says "Aw."
Half-naked boys jump
Into the lake.
Will looks the other way
And then he throws a fake.
Where would we be
Without some Verve love?
Everybody needs
Some non-gay love.
Verve looks right at me
I start to dampen.
Then Finn sits upright
And I'm instantly crampin'.
Where would we be
Without naked boy love?
Everybody needs
Naked Scout givin' naked Will a shove.
We can't get by
Without some Townie love.
Everybody's shy
When they're in shameful love.
Where would Finn be
Without man-boy love?
Naked back.
Boobie shake.
Pecs on fire.
Lake Homoerotica.
Have mercy.
This was the video version of the opening credits, anyway, since they didn't put any of the actors' names to their faces. Not one credit in the credits. I don't know. I wrote you a song.
Coke commercial. Their new thing is apparently that rude people drink Coke, and if you don't have one, that gives you the right to be a total asshole to people. I think they've finally started seeing the effects of Diet Coke withdrawal on their test subjects.
Raise the flag, it's mornin' time in New Rawley. Close-up on the American flag. The Range Rover screeches back, and Bella is fuming out the window. As Grace jumps out of the vehicle, all of the boys slur, "Bye, Gracey." She twirls around so her dress flips up and she blows them a kiss. I love that slut. You probably already guessed it, but she's not wearing the jacket. Bella stomps up and says that it's "six in the morning" and asks where she's been and where's her jacket and that she's been looking "all over town" for her. Grace touches her head with both hands in that "Fuck, it's bright and you're way too annoying for this early in the morning" look. She says she was up playing cards. Bella shoves her by the shoulders and says, "Whatever. Where's my jacket?" Grace says she doesn't know and asks what the big deal is. "Grace, I will shred you if you don't get me my jacket. Now, where is it?" I wish Grace would tell Tony Hawk that she shredded it. Grace says she thinks she left it "at Joe's." "What, you were gambling at Joe's?" Quick edit, and she then says, "I'm going to Joe's," suddenly all calm. Grace tells her not to. She says she thinks she left it at a dorm room at Rawley. "The British guy, Ryder? Huh. Gawd." She looks up and laughs at how cute Ryder is. I just want to take that sweet slut home with me, wait until she gets her first period, and then teach her how to open a bottle of beer with the end of a lighter. "Grace? If I don't get my jacket back." Bella stares at Grace. Grace looks at Bella. Bella stares at Grace, and then storms off. The dramatic tension. I'm parched.
"And that, gentlemen, is a stwrraight." Ah, who missed Ryder? He's got a pen in his mouth, but the room is all smoky, so we're supposed to think he's smoking a cigar and playing cards in his dorm room, but really the pen is in his mouth so I don't mock his mushy accent anymore. Everyone throws their cards in and does the all-important moaning. Ryder pulls the money from the center of the table and then says, "Read 'em and weep, boys," even though someone has already pulled the cards from the table. Will walks up to the doorway, where three other boys are standing and watching. The Woody Harrelson-looking guy points at Will for some reason. "My little Krudski," Ryder says with a smile. "Cah-uh join us?" Will says through the dark and smoke that taking Ryder's money "would be too easy." Ryder laughs and says, "Oh, right. Of course. You've got that thing. That 'I'm so poor. Please take pity on me!' thing." Okay, I like Ryder and his giant mole and his bleached Caesar hair. I don't care. I like him. Why isn't he naked? Where is the nakedness, people? Everyone gives Will the "burn!" moan until Ryder says, "I'm joking. Come on." Will squints his eyes. Ryder lifts a bill and says he'll ante for him. "On second thought, I'd love to take your money," he says. Ryder tells one of his cronies to move over, and Will moves through the dark and sits on the opposite side of the table.
As Ryder chews incredibly loudly on his pen, I start trying to remember if Will is wearing the exact same shirt as Matt Damon in Rounders, but decide it's one of Matt Damon's shirts from Good Will Hunting. And Ryder's accent sometimes sounds Russian, so...close enough for me. Somehow the bet isn't really going all the way around the table, and once Will puts in his cash Ryder immediately sees the bet. If this happened at our weekly poker game, my friend Chuy would have smacked that pen out of Ryder's mouth with a Coors Light can. "Krudski takes three," Ryder says as he leans in and deals out Will's cards. Poker Face starts grinning like crazy as he looks at his cards. Everyone else is just out of this game with their cards folded. I don't know. Will puts his cards down, even though they should have made another bet, and shows that he's got a straight to the jack. Ryder nods, throws his cards down and declares, "Lucky hand." As Will takes his money and does an "I rule" grin at Ryder, someone pats Will on the back. Ryder sighs.
Montage of Rounders memories. Will shuffles. He looks at Ryder. Shuffling. Close up on Ryder. Will's flush beats Ryder's pair of Jacks. Will laughs and takes more money. Pile of money. Ryder gets frustrated. Will has the Manson lamps on Ryder. Aren't there other people in this game? Card dealing. Ryder chews his pen and sizes Will up. Will looks at his cards. Overhead shot of the game as Ryder says, "Check." Will puts in two fifties. Ryder counts out one hundred dollars. Then he raises it one hundred. Will gives an eyebrow and a lip dip. He chuckles, and then puts a stack of bills on the table. He doesn't say how much it is, but it causes some terribly extreme close-ups of Will and Ryder looking at each other. Ryder puts a wad of folded cash on the top of the pile. Somebody whistles. Will calls. Everyone looks around for a second. Ryder says, "You do realize, if I win you owe me five hundred dollars." Will doesn't look at the pile of cash he has by his arm, and instead reaches down to the ground and picks up his laptop. He puts it in the pile. Everyone laughs. "That abacus?" Ryder smiles. I like him. Why wasn't he this cool in the last episode? Will says it's worth at least five hundred dollars. He then smiles and puts down his cards (which he isn't supposed to do, since he called). He's got "four cowboys" and the ace of diamonds. Ryder whistles. The sides of his grin go beyond the frame of the extreme close-up. "You're good, Krudski," he says. Will nods and squints. "But not that good," we all say in unison. Ryder puts down his cards. He's got a straight flush, nine to the king, diamonds. But some of the cards are covered up, and you really can't tell if he has the hand or not. Will looks crestfallen anyway, as the cronies laugh and Ryder starts picking up his winnings. "Don't cry, Sunshine," he says. "Get me five hoondred books, you can 'ave your compoo-ah back." Will gives another eye-squint for good measure. Ryder raises him a laugh.
"Five hundred dollars?" Scout's job is to kick people while they are down. "And you put up your laptop?" He sits in the chair beside Will. "Bold move," Verve says. Terri is playing with something in her hand. "It was a stupid move," Will says. Scout says he should have asked for it back. Nice. That'll get you on everyone's good side in the gambling room. "Yeah, Scout's right," Terri says. "You shouldn't have to pay. Ryder's a total jerk-off." "Jerk-off or not, I have to pay it." Scout asks how he's going to pay. "You're not exactly raking in the dough at the diner." He really is an asshole. How about you lend him the money, rich roomie? Verve says that he's hungry. Terri agrees. Verve tells him that if he needs to borrow any money "there are plenty of people here with a lot more money than me." They laugh. He says that if Will needs anything, he'd be happy to help him out. Terri says she'll do the same. Scout stays suspiciously quiet throughout this entire "being a friend" exchange. Will thanks them and says he can handle it. Terri and Verve leave. Will says he'll work extra shifts at the diner. "I guess I won't be taking Caroline Bus out to dinner." Here's a quick tip. If you're still referring to her by using her first and last name? She's not really your girlfriend anyway. Scout offers to "loan" him the money. "And you can pay me back instead of Ryder." Not really the kindness Verve and Terri offered. Will says he doesn't want to bring anybody else into this. Scout stares. Will says he made the bet and he's going to handle it. Scout reminds him that he's there if he needs him. As Scout gets up and leaves he turns around as this bad dubbing asks, "Oh, by the way. Jake and Hamilton are..." Will nods and says, "Oh, yeah. Definitely." Cue the Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love.
"No, definitely not," Verve says, hidden in the shadows of the non-pink room. "Yeah, they have no idea we're together," Terri says. She's on her back reading Allure with Britney Spears on the cover. He's sitting to her, reading over her shoulder. He says that they'd never think that about him. "Oh, no. Not you," she says. "The tower of testosterone. The monument of masculinity." "What?" Verve asks. Terri slowly gets up so her butt is in the camera as she says, "You totally dig boys." They are inches away from each other. "Funny," he says. "I'm messing with your head, dude," she says. They kiss. "Yes, you are." They kiss. "This whole situation." They kiss. "Okay," Terri says as she sits back. "Let's go on a date, my manly man. Today." She says they'll get on her bike and go. She says she'll wear a dress. "And these." She pulls a black pump out of a box. It's hard to see in the dark. Verve holds the shoe up to his mouth and makes a tiger growl, which makes me think he wants to wear the spiked heels instead. He agrees to the date and they kiss.
Will is pouting in his room. You know what that means! Ah, Finn! Always in the kinda unbuttoned chambray. Always inappropriate. He walks in and asks if everything is okay. He says it's fine. Finn walks over to the bed, puts his hand out, and says he brought him something to "feel a little bit dandier." I'm going to make the creepy scene quick and painless because it's the only time we have to see Finn. Finn has an essay contest he wants Will to enter for a scholarship. Normally Finn doesn't let freshman enter it, but since our Will is so brilliant and wrote that bit about Finn kissing the dean's wife and how that led to a greater understanding of the human condition, he thinks Will could win. He calls Will "auspicious." The catch? He didn't bother to tell him until today, the postmark deadline. Will has to get a copy printed out and sent off by five this afternoon. They shake hands as Finn leans in to give Will a clean look at his chest. Finn leaves, and Will starts going through all of the drawers in his room. I assume it's to find the book that he copied the essay out of, but instead he says that the paper is still in his computer.
"What's still in the computer?" Bella has just barged right into Will's room. Runs in the family. Will says it's nothing and asks why she's there. She says she needs his help. Will reluctantly asks her what's wrong. She says she'll tell him but first they have to get out of that room. They turn around and walk right into (cue the sounds of the angels on high, the tears of the Dueling Saint Clares wash over me and fill me with serenity, my male cats begin caressing each other in total love) Scout's pecs! I've named them Richard and Gertrude. Rich and Gerty are fresh from the shower and still dripping with soapy goodness. "You're...all wet," Bella smiles. Scout looks himself over, and is clearly struck with how defined his chest is. He asks what she's doing there. She slowly stammers out that she left something in another room, and she needs Will to go and get it for her because it's actually his. As they walk out of the room, Will doesn't miss his chance to touch naked wet Scout flesh. He pats him and walks off. Scout just keeps mouth-breathin'.
Cue the Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love. Pan down to Terri and Verve walking out of the dorm. As they're pushing her bike for some reason she says, "Don't drop my bag, Hammy," and he laughs. I don't know what that means. I guess because she's pushing the heavy bike? I don't know. Ryder and two cronies walk up. Ryder is actually smoking. There is a cigarette in his mouth and he's both inhaling and exhaling. I can't remember the last time I saw that on television. "I didn't know Batgirl had a sidekick," he says. "Puff away, Cancer Boy," is Verve's retort. "Huzzah!" come the cheers from sponsor thetruth.com. Ryder flicks his cigarette close to Verve and laughs. He walks closer and says, "You know, Ham, the backseat of a bike? It's called the bitch pad." He laughs and walks off. "I guess that's why your mother should be sitting on it," Verve says through a smile. Ryder starts to laugh, everyone laughs, there is laughing, Ryder stops laughing. He walks off and jokes with his cronies because we can all think of seven "your mother" jokes that would have been better than that one. Terri gets on the bike, hits the bitch pad and says, "Come on, Batgirl." They ride off.
We are never getting to a commercial, I swear to God.
Bella tells Will that she has to get into Ryder's room. Will calls Ryder "the biggest ass bite of Rawley" and says that he's got his computer. "Great. He's probably reading my deepest, darkest secret even as we speak." Is there a team of writers, or just one? If it's a team, is there one person on the staff that's like a relative of a producer or something, and they can't cut out what he or she writes because otherwise they'll get fired? Because I really don't understand some of these lines. They followed "ass bite" with "deepest, darkest secret." Will asks how she got into this mess. She asks how he got into his. "I thought I had a winning hand." "You gotta learn, Will, in this town? We never do." The Townie Blues. Sing it, sister.
Bella raps twice on the open door as she leans her head in and says, "Hello?" They are doing the "sneaking into the dorm" lean that Will used to break into the dean's office a few weeks ago. It works like a charm. Ryder's not there. Tension music mounts as Will picks up his laptop and declares it "fine" and Bella walks over to her jacket. We hear Ryder's cell phone go off outside. We're assuming it's Ryder's, because Bella and Will start freaking out and hide in the closet. Ryder tells the person on the phone that he's "good for it" and that he doesn't "welch on [his] bets." He just got back from the bank and has "three thousand lohvley li-ale dollars." Bella peeks out the closet door so she can...hear him better, I guess. Ryder says the money was from the gambling that weekend. "Joe, don't get all GoodFellas on me," he says. He then goes all The Professional on Joe and starts screaming, "Fine! FINE! YES! I understand!" He says he'll bring the money by noon. He puts the laptop in his bag and says it's off to the pawn shop for it. He puts on the jacket and says, "Townie slut outerwear." The woman from Old Navy calls me and asks if I think they could get Jackeé for the Townie Slut Outerwear commercial series. I tell her to ask Magic. He says he'll pawn the jacket as well. He puts the envelope of money inside the pocket (THE POCKET!) of the jacket. He picks up his bag and walks off. The music makes a zoom noise as the camera pans over to Bella and Will and the sound dubbing gets really crappy as Bella says, "What are you doing, Will? Great plan. We hide inside the closet while that obnoxious jerk insults my sister wearing my jacket and takes our stuff." Will asks if she'd rather have been caught in his room. "Well, no, but let's get out of here so we can find him," she says, like she's the one with all of the ideas. They open the door. Uh-oh! It's Scout! Someone's got some 'splainin' to do! Scout says the explaining should begin, "Like, now." Bella and Will look at each other. Wah-wah-waah-waaaaaaaaaaah.
Oh, thank you, WB. Commercials. My fingers are so tired.
As if the "Hidden Dressing Room" banner wasn't enough, Levi's is now making commercials with the same footage. This time they remembered to mention the company's name.
More bad voice-dubbing. Will, Scout, and Bella run down the stairs. "God, Bella, what were you thinking? Writing a letter to my father? How could you do that?" Scout is always the sensitive one. And weren't they pressed for time? They just all sat down and had a chat while Ryder was leaving with their stuff? Bella says they're not going to talk about it. "Not here. Not now." "Come on," someone says. "He's probably in class by the quad." Wait, there's another class in this school? Who teaches it? What are they learning? Why isn't anyone else taking this class?
As they walk to the quad, Scout reminds Will that Finn has a hard-on for him, and maybe he should tell Finn that Ryder's got his laptop. Will reminds us that he's already a big, fat, lying cheater just to get into this school, and putting gambling on top of that (after that whole stealing thing) would probably get him kicked out. This scene must have been shot without microphones, because the actors are very close to the studio mics, trying very hard to match their voices with their actions. Scout is chastising Bella for not telling him about the letter. She says that if he hadn't barged in on her in the first place, this wouldn't have happened. She says she was trying to be discreet. "Oh, well, thanks to your discretion a pretentious blabbermouth is about to royally screw up our lives." Bella says she's "painfully aware" of that. I'm "painfully aware" of everything in this show. Will stands up and tells them to shut up. He then jumps to the side and shouts, "Shh! Look!" They hide behind a bush and watch Ryder sitting in his outside class. Are there any classrooms in this show? The only one so far has been used for necking and discussions of adultery. There's some non-Finn teacher talking in front of a group of boys, but they are too busy throwing grass at each other and laughing to listen. I wish I went to Rawley. Throwing grass is really cool. Bella says she's just going to go up there and get her jacket (because the jacket really is no big deal), but the boys pull her back. Scout says that she'll make a scene, and "technically" she's not supposed to be there. Will talks a mile a minute to tell them that Ryder is just sitting there, so they should watch him until class is over, and he's going to go ask Finn if he can get his paper back. There's pounding bass and lots of staring. "Just watch him," Will hisses. He leaves.
A pier. Verve is pacing by the bike. We see a "Women" sign for a restroom. Pan up from the black heels to the tiny black dress as Verve whistles. "Oh, stop," Terri says. She's obviously not used to the heels, because her arms keep swaying behind her back. She tells him to hop on the bike. "I don't think so," he says, taking the driver's seat. She tells him he doesn't even know where they're going. "Then you'll just have to guide me." Wait. He's the Townie. How does she know where they're going and he doesn't? He calls her "baby." Terri at first thinks he's kidding about driving her bike, but he's clearly not. She gets on the back and gives a "I'll give him this thing, because he's cute, and because I like him, and because he never gets to drive" grin. Then it's gone. Cue the Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love. The bike takes off.
This is a very long day. Pan down from a banner to boys walking.
A close-up on a door finds a yellow note. "Out suffering a fiery death. They demanded it. Smell you later, Finn." And then I stopped dreaming and actually read the note. It's just as funny, though. "At a Seminar all day...Try me Tomorrow FINN." A seminar. For what? Prep School Priorities 207: Keeping your kids from committing incest and possible homosexuality while you're trying to commit adultery and join NAMBLA the same week? Will tries one door, which is locked, and then tries the other before he sees the huge yellow note tacked to the door. Will bangs his head. He sighs.
Verve and Terri walk into a restaurant to piano music. They hold hands as Terri asks for a table for two. They kiss and giggle. As they walk up the stairs, Verve squeezes out Terri and walks up the stairs first. The waitress takes Terri's coat and walks off after she shows them to their table. Verve pulls a chair out for Terri. She looks at him. She asks what he's doing. "Being a gentleman," he says. Terri laughs and sits down. She tries to not giggle as she looks over the menu. Verve leans in and says, "You look...totally foxy." "Foxy"? Terri raises an eyebrow from her menu. She starts laughing. "Foxy?" Pan across to Verve as we hear Terri complain that something she's wearing is "killing her." Verve isn't amused and says, "Yeah, as in a compliment?" Terri takes off that stupid upper arm metal thing and puts it on the table. "As in something a guy would say to a lay-dee. Foxy lay-dee." He keeps saying "lay-dee" like Long Duck Dong. Pan across to Terri who is still laughing. "Right. Right. 'Foxy Lady,' uh?" Verve is so not laughing. He asks why that's funny. "It, it's not, Hamilton. I mean, it's...is this a line you use on girls?" "No," Verve says. "Actually, I reserve that line for cross-dressing she-men." The smile freezes on Terri's face. Ooookay. Tension. Now, I'm all about Verve dissing Terri for confusing his sexuality, and joking if it's joking, but since she hasn't even told him why she's dressed as a boy (since the whole mother thing seems to have been a lie), it comes as quite harsh, here. Terri smiles again, and then literally wipes the smile from her face and coughs.
Scout and Bella are so not looking anywhere near Ryder's class. In fact, they are just trying to not stare at each other. Bella licks her lips. Scout clenches his jaw. Scout tells Bella that his father's career could be ruined "if this gets out." Bella is shocked that Scout just cares about the Senator's seat. Bella reminds Scout that it was his idea to meet his father in the first place, and that he's been hounding her for "weeks." And then suddenly he doesn't want her to meet him anymore. Scout says that if she felt what he felt when he was telling him. Bella's all, "Telling him what?" Scout admits that he told his father about her at the Regatta. "So he doesn't want to meet me," Bella says. "Because there have been rumors. There were false rumors before." There were rumors. He was into field hockey players...so, Senator DryHump has been accused of this before? Wouldn't this make Scout a little suspicious? As Bella and Scout are whispering at each other about feeling like an idiot and lies, Ryder has walked off the quad. Bella notices first, and starts yelling at Scout.
Will is running around looking for Bella and Scout, but he runs into Ryder. He asks where he's taking his computer. "Nowhere." Will says he has to get a paper out of there and he just wants the disk out of the machine. Ryder flips around and shouts, "We've all goh our neeeeds, little Krudski. Why don't you just back off?" "You know, your accent's really starting to piss me off, Ryder." Ryder tells Will to go tell the dean, and that he's sure the dean would love to hear about their gambling incident. Suddenly the cronies are right there all up in Will's shit. Will tries to grab Ryder as he walks off, but the cronies shove Will back in place. They don't stick around, though, and Will walks over to Scout and Bella as they run up. Will tells them Ryder's headed towards the parking lot. The three of them argue over which way is the fastest to get there until Bella says they need to go. Scout actually shrugs and then they follow her.
Ryder puts his headphones on and walks to his little red Corvette. The threesome come to a field and start shouting Ryder's name. For some reason they can't shout and run at the same time. They shout, but Ryder doesn't hear because he's wearing his headphones! Aren't the plot twists divine? A security guard walks by and watches Ryder put the bag and the jacket into the trunk of the car. Ryder turns off the car alarm. Run, stop, scream Ryder's name. Ryder checks his pockets, resets the alarm, and then runs back towards the dorm. Bella, Scout, and Will walk over to the Corvette. Ryder may be British, but his car's from Maryland. They walk to the back of the car and -- I'm not kidding -- they put their hands on the trunk and push down a few times. Will tells Scout to reach in and try the trunk release. Bella says it's a bad idea. Too late. Scout trips the alarm on the car. The security guard (the one who walked by when Ryder was loading the car, the same one who was standing there when the three of them ran up screaming Ryder's name) is now watching them trip the alarm and freak out. Bella says they should just pretend it's theirs and they all get into the car. The security guard starts walking over. Will asks Bella if she thinks she can hotwire it. "Yeah," she says. Bella leans down and grabs the two open wires that all Corvettes have just under the steering wheel and touches the ends together. Scout leans in. "What, are you gonna hotwire it? What are you, some kinda --" "Townie? Yes, now get in." The wires spark and the car starts. Will and Scout get into the car. Somehow this also turns off the alarm. The security guard walks over. Bella says they had a little problem with the alarm but they are now "good to go." The security guard doesn't move or say a word, just looks in the direction where they are driving. No wonder there are so many illegal activities going on at Rawley. The Corvette speeds off. Fade to black.
Snotty Coke Commercial with best friends ripping each other's hair out because there's no Coke.
I had no idea that incessant "You don't have to prove your love -- Zip it" commercial was about abstinence. Seriously. I asked what product they were selling so I wouldn't buy it because the commercial is killing me. "It's about abstinence," my boyfriend said. "Well, I'm not buying that, either." I thought it was for Zip drives. Really. Or MP3 players.
First shot of the episode with stunt drivers and winding roads. "I just stole a Corvette. I just stole a Corvette. I just stole a Corvette!" "Just breathe, woman!" Will says, even though he had two "Just"s in the beginning of the episode. Scout pulls out the Senator-speak to say that they didn't steal the car, they're just borrowing it to recover the items that were stolen from them. Scout says they should go into the trunk, get their things, and ditch the car before they get arrested for "Grand Theft Auto." Will tells Bella to pull the truck release. She says it's not working. Somehow when she "cut the alarm" (even though we never saw her do that) she severed the trunk release thingy as well. Scout's all, "You broke into the car, you hotwired it, and now you can't open the trunk." Bella apologizes that her criminal skills aren't more "well-rounded." This is done with much eye-rolling which you, thankfully, cannot see. Will asks if she can fix it. Bella exhales and says she can, but only at the garage.
Ryder slowly walks up to the empty space in the parking lot. He pulls off his walkman and checks his watch. It's quarter after noon. "Dammit, Joe! Not mah cah." He's got gum this time to soothe his oral fixation. He spits his gum out and walks inside. Ryder has that same walk that Terri has, where your arms have to be swerving behind your back like a monkey.
Chez Rules. Terri says that she's starving. Verve says he is as well, but he's all pouty. Terri apologizes for laughing at him earlier. She says she knows he was trying to be "sweet." She says that it's all very strange, "this whole date thing." Verve says that this date thing is what they should be doing, and it was her idea in the first place. She says they don't know how to act. He tells her to "follow [his] lead." Terri looks down and smiles. Verve tells the waiter that they'd like to order. "The lay-dee will have the salmon." Close up on Terri as she looks to the ceiling and ponders whether or not she's allowed to hit him at a fancy restaurant. "The lay-dee?" she asks. Deadpan Verve delivers, "Yeah. That'd be you." He goes back to the menu. "The lay-dee will have the salmon." Terri interrupts with, "But I don't like salmon." Verve closes his menu and gives up. He tells her to order for them. He punctuates his sentence with "Jake." "You know what? I'm all up for being the girl here, but..." "Well, you're a little out of practice." Terri takes a breath, hands the menu to the waiter, and announces that they'll both have the scallops. Verve starts to say that he doesn't like scallops, but surrenders. Terri sets her jaw and looks at Verve. This is the best scene in Young Americans history.
Corvette of Cliché. Scout asks Bella what she said in the letter. She tells him that it's none of his business. He asks how it could not be any of his business. She says it's just like how he didn't tell her that he had already told his father about her. I wish he'd tell her that his dad thinks she's a "crazy girl." Will shuts them both up (thanks, Will!) to remind them that he's got a real issue, like a deadline, and petty matters like paternity and Senatorial scandal should probably wait until the real problem is solved. Cue the police siren. They all look behind to see the police car in the bluescreen. As they wait for the officer to walk up, Bella announces that they are all "going to jail." Scout says that he should handle it, because he's good at talking to "the authorities." "They tend to like me," he says. Will reminds Scout that Townie Authorities probably won't think he's so keen. "You're right, I'm sure the local authorities know exactly who you are," Scout counters. "What's that supposed to mean?" And since it doesn't really mean anything, unless maybe it was a cut at Mamawhore, Scout just opens his mouth and rolls his eyes and says, "Oh, well, hohhhhuhhrhh." Bella is already talking to the officer at this point. He recognizes her. He used to babysit her when she was little. She says that she remembers him and that he was her favorite babysitter. Scout makes a repulsed face, which probably isn't the best idea if you want the authorities to like you.
The officer asks Bella if that's her car. She says that it's not, just "some rich Rawley snob's," but that she had just put a new transmission in it and was testing it out. She says she's on her way back to the station. She asks if she was doing something wrong. He smiles and says, "No, not you, Bella." Then he gets all stern and tells Will and Scout that they should be wearing their seatbelts and that he should write them a ticket for it. In a car travelling that fast, I'm wondering why they hadn't bothered to wear them myself. They nod and smile, but don't put on their seatbelts. The officer says goodbye to Bella, gives the slow double stink-eye to Will and Scout, and walks off. Bella smiles and says, "Thanks for handling that for me, guys." Scout gives the "ha ha, not" laugh. The officer drives away, which you never see when someone is pulled over, but it's important so that when Bella starts the car it can die. "You were feeling kinda sassy for a minute, there, weren't you?" Scout smiles. Will laughs, because suddenly his deadline is nothing. Bella tells them that they are "all out of gas." She calls them idiots. Will, thinking she must be an idiot, checks the gas meter. Scout, having similar thoughts, does the same. All smiles fade as we watch the car sit on the side of the road. The plucky acoustic guitar strums us into an ironic coma.
Terri and Verve grab the check at the same time and say, "I got it." Terri grabs it and says it's her treat, since it was her idea. "But I thought we were...I mean...you know..." Terri doesn't know and asks him what he's talking about. "You're the boy and I'm gonna be the girl so I'm supposed to let you pay for the check?" "Well, yeah." Terri puts down the check and says, "Okay. Look, Hamilton. I've never known how I was supposed to act, and I've never really thought about it. So just because now I'm wearing a dress, I have to start now?" Verve says that's not what he's saying. Terri interrupts. "No, no, no. Am I supposed to let you open my doors, and pull out my chairs and pay the check? " Verve goes into some monster eye-rolling. "And am I supposed to laugh at all your jokes, even the ones I think are lame? And you'll drive, and you'll lead the way, and you'll pick the topics of conversation? A lot of that seems really sweet and old-fashioned, but a lot of that seems arcane. And that's not who I am." "I don't think you know who you are," Verve squints. Terri chews on her tongue and blinks.
arácane
adj.
Known or understood by only a few: arcane economic theories. See Synonyms at mysterious
Latin arc nus, secret, from arca, chest.]
arcane Ar*cane", a. [L. arcanus.]
Hidden; secret. [Obs.] ``The arcane part of divine wisdom.''
--Berkeley.
arcane
adj : requiring secret or mysterious knowledge; "the arcane
science of dowsing"
ar·cha·ic (är-kk) also ar·cha·i·cal (--kl).
adj. Abbr. arch.
1.Of, relating to, or characteristic of a much earlier, often more primitive period: an archaic bronze statuette.
2.No longer current or applicable; antiquated: archaic laws. See Synonyms at old.
3.Of, relating to, or characteristic of words and language that were once common but are now used chiefly to suggest an earlier style or period.
Corvette of Taboo Conversation. Scout walks over to Bella, who is looking at the lake that's suddenly there, instead of the trees that they were parked to. Will has presumably gone to get some gas. He says he knows this letter is a "private personal thing" to her. Bella nods. Her arms are crossed, signaling her inner strife. Bella says the reason it's important isn't because of what she wrote in the letter, but rather that she had no intention of ever sending it. Scout's smile fades. "What?" She says she wrote the letter for herself. Scout gives a big-ol' eye-rolling and exhales. Bella continues talking about all of her feelings and then stops herself to say it doesn't even matter. She says she was never going to send it to the Senator. "'Slike, a personal journal entry for me." Scout is not pleased. "So we've been on this wild goose chase because you just had to have this 'Dear Diary' moment?" He's oh-so-sensitive, isn't he? "How could you do that?" "Now you know," she says. "Now I know what?" Scout laughs. "Why I don't tell you anything. Why I've closed you out." She did? When? "It's 'cause you say things like that." "Hey, guys! I got the gas, let's hit it!" Will stands with a gas can. Now, hold on. If the only gas station in Rawley is Bella's dad's "Gas and Tow," couldn't he have done the "Tow" part? And how far away are they from the station? If it's that close, couldn't they have just pushed the car? Will was only gone for about fifteen minutes.
The trunk is lifted. They all stare in the trunk for a second. Bella goes to her left to pull her jacket. Will goes to his right to get his computer. Scout realizes he doesn't really have anything to gain from all of this criminal activity, but doesn't say any of that out loud. Now I'm just realizing things for Scout because I'm a little bored. Will picks up his computer and holds it in his hand for a few seconds, doing that once-over test he uses to make sure it "seems okay." "I'm not," Bella says. The letter isn't in the jacket. They start tossing things out of the trunk of the car behind them. Someone flings something, and the three thousand dollars goes up into the air. Magical music with chimes plays as the three kids stand open-mouthed as the money floats all around them. Tiny elephants dance with marshmallow fairies. Tiny Tim begins a kicky little melody. "Oh. My. God," Bella says. No one makes a move to touch the floating money. Grace runs outside and rubs her ass in it, screaming that she's always wanted some action in her back section. Blackout.
My boyfriend asks if he's allowed to have sex with Portia de Rossi if he meets her and she's willing. I tell him that he could, but not to come crying to me when her large head falls off her wilting body when he's on top of her.
Will is counting the cash. He's counting twenties, but he says, "Twenty-seven hundred, twenty-eight hundred, twenty-nine hundred, three thousand dollars." Townie math. Oh, that's good that they got every single dollar that was floating around New Rawley. Because they've got nothing but time, you see. Will asks Grace (oh, hey, Will and Grace) if Ryder really "blew three thousand dollars at Joe's last night." "It was not pretty," Grace drones. I wish they'd tell that girl to stand up straight. She's got a hunch worse than Katie Holmes. She laughs and tells them that Ryder thinks Joe took his car. "He doesn't know you guys took it." How is she so in the know for thirteen? Seriously. Bella goes back to grilling Grace about the letter in the jacket. She asks where it could be. She corners Grace back onto a stool. "I don't know," Grace snots. She says it probably fell out of the jacket when they were at Joe's. "What are you doing hanging with Ryder, little sister?" Will asks. Grace smirks and says, "How do you think he got into Joe's?" Scout is confused and asks who Joe is. He calls him a "Joe character." Bella explains that Joe is a bookie. He runs an "underground casino" out of the basement of his house. Scout asks how she knows him. Will says that they went to grade school with him. When exactly did Will go to Capeside? They were apparently good friends, and then Joe "went all Soprano on [him]." James Gandolfini calls me and says that "if that prick ever says [his] name again, [he's] gonna do a lot worse than make [his] Mamawhore cry again." Grace tells them that Ryder is on his way over to find Joe. "That's not good," Scout says. Will smiles. "Maybe it is." Everyone looks at Will as Will poses with a Cool Rider smile.
The Range Rover pulls up, and Ryder hangs out the side. Bella puts her book down and walks over to him. "Where's me li-ill Townie tour guide?" "With her father, who's gonna personally kick your ass if you don't stay away from my little sister." "Ooh, fiesty!" Bella smiles. Ryder says, "As much as I'd love to hang around and play Taming of the Shrew with you, I've got a li-il...situation with one of your more...colorful local characters." "Yeah, heard about that." "Krudski." Will walks up with his hands in his pockets. Will tells Ryder that he should be "pretty careful" around Joe and his group. He tells Will that they took his "Li-il Red Corvette." "Unlucky night?" Will asks. Ryder's face is beaming with sunshine as he licks his lips, squints his eyes, and says, "Something like that." I do believe this boy might fancy Will. Will says that he knows Joe pretty well and could probably talk him into giving Ryder back his car. Will gets all sassy and says that it'll cost him "I don't know...five hundred dollars." Smirks and squints and head nods all around.
Terri walks back out of the women's restroom in her boy clothes. "My mom would die if she knew I used that bathroom," she says. "And that you wear boxers? And a corset?" Terri laughs and says, "Yeah, she does think I am pretty strange." "Well..." Verve says. "Really? You think I'm like, a freak or something?" Verve squints, shakes his head and says, "No. Not at all." "So, does that mean you still like me?" Verve says of course he still likes her. "I'm just confused. You know? About who you are. About what we are." Terri says she's just her. She says when she's with him she's herself. "Look, Jake. You're my best friend. Okay? And, sometimes you're my best guy friend in school. And sometimes you're my best girlfriend, who I'm totally in love with." He tries to keep talking, but Terri stops him to ask what he just said. "I don't know how to act..." "No, no, no, no. Before that." "The part about you being my best guy friend?" "No." Verve starts playing all coy. "Ohhh. The part...about...I love you?" The Acoustic Guitar of See-They're-Really-Not-Gay Love strums up. "Yeah, that'd be the part," Terri smiles. "Well, I do," Verve says. "Me too. I mean. I love you, too." I imagine it's difficult to say all of those lines when you're director makes you stand two inches from each other's mouths to speak. They kiss. "So, can I drive home?" Verve asks, still in her mouth. "Not a chance," Terri laughs. "Beat it." She tells him to get on the bitch pad and they laugh. Okay, so they still haven't really explained anything, and somehow it's okay for Verve to have treated Terri like that because he just told her that he loved her? Maybe it's the summer heat.
The Corvette pulls up in front of the house from The 'Burbs. The Steel Drums are playing here, so it's a bit confusing. Will runs into the house as Bella screams, "Will! Don't forget about the letter!" How can anyone forget about the letter for even three seconds? Really. It's not like she's letting anyone even come close to thinking about something else. Not even sweaters or betters or David Letterman. Scout and Bella get out of the car. Will stands at Joe's door. Joe comes out in a black vest and blue sweat pants. They share a manly handshake/arm pat/ half-a-hug thing and go back into the house. Scout and Bella stare at each other for twenty-three seconds. Scout starts to apologize, but she says that he was right and that she shouldn't have written that letter down. She says it was selfish. "Honest," Scout interrupts. He says that she wrote it for herself and that she was just being honest about her feelings. This causes Bella to look away and swallow. Scout looks down to make sure that Richard and Gertrude are still there. Yep. Bella stares at Scout for a few more seconds, swallows, and then kills our souls. "Dear Senator Calhoun. It's almost impossible to know where to start. My name is Bella Banks. I'm sixteen years old. I live in New Rawley. I go to Edmon High. And I'm your daughter." This wasn't in the first letter. Suddenly Bella is sixteen. I guess that's why she got to drive Ryder's car. Extreme close-up on Scout as he uses his Adam's apple to gouge his eyes into tiny fits of tears. The jaw is a-flexing, people. Scout went to the Andrew McCarthy School For Onscreen Sobs. "I know this may be hard for you to believe, but it's simply the truth. All my life, I've wondered about you. Who you are. The color of your eyes. Your hair. Your voice. Are you tall? Do your hands look like mine? And the other day, there you were. You drove into our gas station in New Rawley and I spoke to you." Pieces of Scout's jaw shatter from the strain, and scratch the paint of the Corvette. His eyes widen even further, because that's what Andrew taught him. The drier the eyes, the quicker the "tears." "It all happened so fast. I couldn't find the words to say hello." Bella is bragging about her crying abilities and shedding real tears right in front of Scout. Oh, Bella. You really had us at "hello." You didn't have to keep going. But she does. She's not done. "But I want you to know that I've led a good life. The man who raised me is strong and loving. And he's looked after me since my mother left about ten years ago. I guess I'm writing you this letter because I wanted you to know that I exist." Scout exhales through his tears because he's so touched. "So take from it what you will. All I hope is that someday you'll wonder about me, too. Love, Bella." She wipes off her little Blair Witch nose. She says the letter went "something like that." Scout smiles proudly. "You remembered it?" "I've written that letter like, twenty times, Scout. Since I've seen him. In my head. And I guess I just wanted to write it on paper, so I had someone to say it to." Scout says she does have someone to say it to. "No, I don't because I'm never gonna send it, Scout." Scout says, "Mmm," and shakes his head so a tear falls down to his smile. She says she meant what she said in the letter. She loves her life, and doesn't want to do anything to change it. "So, promise me." He starts to disagree. "Scout, promise me." He promises and wipes his nose. "I have been a jerk about this whole thing. I have only thought about how my life would become complicated." He says that his dad would be very disappointed in him right now. She smiles, looks down, and says, "Guess we knocked down a few bricks, huh?" He says they did. Where are the bricks? There's a wall? Will walks up, as he's contractually obligated to ruin every moment where they might kiss again, and leans against the car with a sigh. He pulls that, "Man, I've got bad news...no I don't!" thing and pulls out Bella's letter. She hugs him and thanks him profusely. She takes the letter and rips it into tiny pieces. Scout and Will look on incredulously. "Kinda had it memorized," she says. Everyone laughs and gets back into the stolen car, but Bella is still holding onto the pieces, which means she'll probably leave it in the car and Ryder will tape it together and figure out what's going on. Will drives this time, ensuring one more broken law before curfew.
They pull into the parking lot and exhale. "I cannot believe we pulled this off," Scout says. Bella laughs. Will says he has to go print out his essay. He checks the clock (which is still on, even though the car is off) and sees that it's 4:30. He says that the post office closed half an hour ago and he missed the deadline. Scout asks where the nearest open post office is. Bella says, "Uh, probably in Carson?" Will says it's forty miles away and he'll never make it. Happy teen music plays as Ryder walks up and asks, "What's this? Daisy and the Dukes?" Everyone gets annoyed until they get their scathingly brilliant idea. Ryder says he owes Will one, and Will says as a matter of fact he does. They bust out racing in the car, so that they can also get an underage speeding ticket. They screa
m and yell with their hands in the air as they race down the street.
Bankruptcy diner. Will sits down with Bella and Scout and says, "So, not only did Ryder thank us for getting back a car which we stole but he let us borrow it." Oh, is that what happened? Thanks, Will. Scout makes a toast to "outsmarting evil upperclassmen." Evil. Ha. Will says they should also toast to sweet-talking an officer while in a stolen Corvette. Bella adds, "And for retrieving a letter that could have been a time bomb, had it been read." They raise their cool, refreshing Cokes to the center and clink. "We rule," Will says. "Oh, I thought of a good one," Will says. "Jennifer Lopez or Salma Hayek?" I'm so tired of their games. Scout drools on his French fry and says he's "gotta go with Salma." Bella gives Will a "you would" look for some reason. "I don't know," Will says. "Out of Sight?" Scout shakes his head and says, "All I'm sayin' is Dusk 'Til Dawn." It's From Dusk 'Til Dawn, and shut up. ["Yeah, really. Did George Clooney pay for that exchange? Because he should have." -- Sars] Bella says that neither of them will have to worry about it, since they'll never meet either woman. Man, this show never ends. Never. Ends. "Oh, this from the Queen Townie," Scout says. Nice. Terri and Verve sit at the table. "Hi, nice to meet you, Bella," Verve says. Bella keeps repeating the word, "Hi." Terri sits beside Bella and says hi. The three boys look at Terri and Verve, because the three actors find this so incredibly hot. Bella gives Terri a double-take that reads, "Oh. This is a girl." Terri looks down and says, "Cute coat!" to Bella. Scout and Will look at Terri, look at each other, look at Terri. Bella says, "Thanks," but it sounds like, "You girl." Verve gives a very scolding look. More silence. "So...what's happening?" Verve asks. "Nothin', what's going on?" Terri covers her breasts with her arms because Bella is still staring. "Not much," Verve says. He looks at Terri. "Ditto," she says with a smile. Everyone gives a half-laugh. Scout smiles and says, "Same-old, same-old." Bella says that would just about cover it. Everyone laughs. Everyone gets quiet. Everyone says, "What?" Everyone says, "Nothing!" Oh, the fun! Those kooky kids with their illegal hijinks. We pull back from the Friendly's window as Verve and Terri start eating Bella's fries. Hope she was done with them, since she just met them and all. And as the music plays and the kids laugh and the camera ever-so-slowly pulls back, we see the Fab Five together for the first time after six full episodes. Finn is slowly dying somewhere, and Will forgets to do his closing voice-over. Huzzah!
Okay, because Young Americans knows it doesn't stand a chance on August 23, 2000, forever known as Survivor Day, it's moving the new episode to Monday. In a panic, I think I'm going to have two shows to recap in three days. But Wednesday is a rerun. Sweet. Only two episodes left, kids. Try not to cry.
week, some other guy starts dating Caroline Bus, Will's princess. He's a tutor, so I guess Will steals his job and then gets his woman back. And then suddenly Ryder is dating her, and so Will tells her that Ryder is a schmuck. The Princess is upset that Will would dis her man. Ooh, mostly naked Verve! Mostly naked Verve! Sean lifts Bella into his arms. Will looks down. See you Monday.