Okay, I don't know how to put this, but this episode of Young Americans is kindawell, good. I guess if "good" means "didn't suck ass like all of the others."
Previously on Young Americans: Strap on your way-back machines, kids, because we're flashing back to the first episode. Terri kisses Verve. She apologizes. Hurry-Up Machine to the second episode, when Verve says that he could have punched her for kissing him, but he didn't, but she'd better not think about kissing him again. Jump way forward to Verve busting into the boys' bathroom in episode three to kiss Terri again. She tells him she's a girl. Boom! She's in the stall flashing her 34Bs. Now she's in a pink dress and he's kissing her. Whiplash! Whiplash! BadDad and Mamawhore are dropping Will off for his first day of Rawley. Screech all the way forward to the last episode where Will gives Daddy Monologue II: Schmaltzy Boogaloo to Bella. Wham! Mamawhore tells Will that BadDad is jealous of him. Will yells. Ow! Ow! Head reeling! First episode again, where Bella's First Dad is telling Scout that his dad is Bella's dad, even though he himself won't be Bella's dad in the last episode. Zoom! Bella hands the cell phone to Scout and tells him that their dad is on the phone. Jump to the Truck of Constant Repair, where Scout tells Bella she should meet their dad, but she thinks he might not want to meet her. Snip! Senator MakesMeGiggle is announcing that there's a "crazy girl running around town" telling everyone that he's her father. Flash! Bella asks Scout if they are going to tell his dad together, and Scout tells her that it's not a good time. Bella stands in the blue light in her blue dress and cries.
Welcome to Young Americans. Clearly, those past five episodes were completely unnecessary.
A red Corvette zooms out of a lot. The seating arrangements are straight out of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Sloan and Ferris are in the front seat, while Cameron is propped up with his arms over the back of the car. The car races down a windy road while the stunt driver in an almost silver wig does his best Bella impersonation. The car is suddenly stopped. The camera zooms up to Bella, who has her head in her hands and she's mumbling through her fingers, "I just stole a Corvette. I just stole a Corvette. I just stole a Corvette!" Will puts his hand out and says, "Just, just --" "Hold it!" The screen freezes, and Bella is doing us the honor of a voice-over. "This isn't what it looks like. Let's go back to the beginning." The screen goes to black and a title reads "12 Hours Earlier."
I am Jack's sense of ripping off a film.
Gone
"It all started when I decided to write a letter. A letter to my real father." Now, since they think we're dumb, we now have to watch this letter writing in excruciating detail. While Will fumes in Finn's room, Bella flips her head back and begins. "Dear Senator Calhoun." You know, if you're writing a letter to your father, do you have to start it with such formality? "It's almost impossible to know where to start." The background music is that "Storybook Story" rip-off again. We periodically cut back to shots of the letter. Bella's handwriting is like a nine-year-old's. All loopy and wiggly. She writes her cursive "m"s with three humps. "All my life I've wondered about you. My name is Bella Banks. I guess I'm writing you this letterbecause I wanted you to know that I existand that I'm your daughter."
Bankruptcy Diner. Okay, check this: Verve, Terri, and Scout are all hanging out at the diner bar. I guess now everyone is all chummy since they think Terri and Verve are gay. They are playing that stupid game from three-year-old beer commercials: "Would you rather?" "Cameron kills Julia," someone says. I think it's Scout, since he's got a thing for blondes. Terri offers the obvious choice of "Chloe Sevigny or Hilary Swank." I can't imagine that anyone has ever asked that question before ever. Also, for some reason Terri calls her "Chloe Sah-vinn-yay." I've heard some butcherings of that name, but man, that takes the cake. "Oh, I think Chloe," Scout says. "No," Verve corrects him through his ice cream sundae. "Hilary." He turns to Terri. "Definitely Hilary," he smiles at her. She gives him the "good answer, non-gay lover" smirk. "Clinton?" Will asks, walking in just a bit too late for the joke. "Swank," Verve corrects. "Oh, yeah, of course," Will says, which makes me wonder if Will was choosing between Clinton and Swank, or if he's into Terri as well. Mmm, that would be fun. But they can't possibly give a good plotline to Will. That's not how things work. For some reason Verve changes the game completely and asks, "Debutante or down-home girl?" I'd like to go down-home girl, if you know what I'm sayin'. Sorry. Scout acts offended and says, "Oh, that's" he looks to the left, which activates the BTS (or Bella Tracking System) and sees her sitting under the neon sign in her father's gas station. Bella's Ye Old Gas Pumpe is called "Charlie's Gas and Tow." No wonder the only truck they fix is the Truck of Constant Repair. "Debutante, right?" Verve asks. He then follows Scout's gaze to Bella. It's so dark in there, guys. I don't know how they can see each other. "Or maybe not," Verve says with an air of suspicion. Terri keeps her mouth open, because that's what she's learned from these boys. Will mumbles in Scout's ear, "Hello, Earth to Incest Boy." No, y'all, he really did. I rewound it, like, six times to make sure. That's what he said. That might be the best line they've ever given Will. That's beautiful. Incest Boy. Shit. "He's on the fence," Will says to Terri and Verve. Terri finds this funny for some reason and laughs. Maybe she heard Will's mumble. Will tells Scout to ask Bella to join them. "I'm working," Scout snaps. "I'll cover you." Cover his what? Terri and Verve just started their ice cream, and all of the lights are already out. Scout walks off as Verve and Terri share a "maybe we don't have the most fucked-up relationship here" smile.