Hi, everyone. It's me, Saint Clare, the Patron Saint of Television. The one on the left. Saint Clare I. SCII is in the other room, still consoling pamie. Look, you guys are just going to have to be a little more understanding for this recap. This show is really starting to get to her, and periodically she searches the apartment for blunt objects to jam into her eyes. It's really not pretty. We're both worried about her, Saint Clare II and I. We think she might do something drastic. I keep reminding her that there are only three more episodes of this thing, but she keeps mumbling "wasted plotlines" and "makes me want to quit my Diet Coke addiction." I think she might be sneaking other television shows in on the side, too. And every week after the initial airing of the episode, she rips out all of her toenails. She says the real pain is a reminder that television pain eventually dulls. I don't know about that. I still get shooting pains in my eyes when I remember the Billy Girls. Anyway, I just wanted to come out and tell you that, before pamie sat down to recap. Don't let her know I talked to you. It's just that...she's fragile right now. So if she starts screaming or speaking in tongues, just pretend you are following right along with her. She called Bella an "incestuous twit" the other week. Sometimes she'll just start giggling and whisper, "Krudski." And someone (I'm not sure who) wrote "Finn Must Die" in lipstick on the bathroom mirror. This place is starting to scare me. You know what? Don't treat pamie with kid gloves. I need you guys to watch out for the safety of us Saint Clares. Pamie blames us for every bad line. We can't fix them all. We bring her week after week of Sex and the City. I don't know why she's got to be so mad at us for Bella's makeup. We don't even handle makeup. I hate pamie. Shit, here she comes. Act cool.
Hey, guys! What's up?
Okay, fine. Don't say anything.
Previously on Young Americans: Liv Tynot tells Will off. Scout asks if Bella ever pretends that they aren't related so that they could get their schwerves on. Bella says she does. Verve busts up on Terri and kisses her. He freaks because they are now gay. She tells him she's a girl.
What do we need the episodes for when there's this two-second recap here that tells us everything without the bad writing, lighting, or characters?
"Stroke!" I love that that's the first thing we hear coming from Lake Homoerotica as the sunset kisses the muscular bodies of Rawley's finest. It even beats out the schmaltz-fest of Krudski's Komments. I just tune him out, now. I watch the boys move. But here it is, because you know you're addicted to Good Will Kruddy's wistful ruminations: "Expectations. They change as we change. They're born of our biggest dreams and deepest fears. Sometimes we even inherit them. Lately, I'm expecting a lot of things, which could lead to happiness, or disappointment. But regardless, they'll bring me closer to the truth." Man, I wish he had said "irregardless." Okay, this is said while the Rawley boys hang a banner (there's always a banner) announcing the upcoming crew competition. Then boys row and we see muscular forearms. What does that mean, really? What truth?
"I don't wanna see your face no more," Scout says all faux-accusingly. "Scout!" Bella shouts, like she's angry. They're standing over a '57 Chevy. "What?" Scout's all mad. Bella's tone changes instantly. "That's so easy. Lenny Kravitz. 'American Woman.'" Wow. Wow. Wow, that's really lame. Using a lyric game to make us think there might be actual tension and/or conflict in this show, but then delivering the line so shittily that it seems like you're watching a screen test. Oh, man. Dear Young Americans writing staff: First of all -- no. This is crap. Second, we aren't retarded. Even Scout and Bella's mutated children would know that Kravitz didn't write 'American Woman.' I know you're all "Yeah, America" and "Yeah, Tommy Hilfiger," but you could at least give The Guess Who the credit they deserve. No love, pamie. Back to the smirking. Bella counters with, "When you're standing, oh so near, I kinda lose my mind." See? Because she works on cars. Get it? Isn't she a scream? Scout says he knows it. She says that he apparently doesn't, tells him that his break is over, calls him "Master C" for some reason, and tells him to get back to work. Oh, the Townie thinks "Scout" begins with a "C." That's so cute. They giggle and flirt a little more, and then Scout gets all serious and all "about what happened at the cotillion" with her. Bella asks if Paige thinks she's "scamming on her boyfriend." Scout says Paige is confused and doesn't know what to think because she doesn't know "the truth." As if the truth would put Paige at ease. Scout says something about how they don't know the truth either. Bella rolls her eyes and reminds him that he's with Paige and she's with Sean and everything is so groovy. Look down. Look down. Head nod. Smirk. Smirk. Nod. Blink. Maybe people keep harping on "the truth" because thetruth.com is a sponsor? So in addition to hearing week after week how refreshing Coca-Cola is, we now have to hear about the importance of "the truth?" ["As if they could reasonably expect anyone watching this crapfest to quit smoking." -- Sars]
Where are Verve and Terri? You know, the real plot that we care about?
Scout turns to leave and does this big ol' arm swoop so his cell phone falls to the ground. Bella doesn't see it, but she sighs, which signals a call. She answers it "Scout's phone," with a smirk. As she starts walking the phone over to the Friendly's, she tells the caller her name and says that she doesn't go to Rawley Girls. She asks who's calling (because it's just her business, you know) and gets all solemn, so we know it's Scout's dad. She quietly walks the phone over to Scout, stands in the shadow, and says, "It's your father." She starts walking backwards and sighing as Scout gets on the phone. Scout has a problem using any sort of range in voice when he's talking to his dad. He keeps his mouth open as he says, "Hi. No, no, Dad, she's not my girlfriend." Painful wince from Bella. "Yet," we all say together.
Opening credits. The only time we see the Fab Five in once place at the same time. Is it wrong that I want to lick Ian Somerhalder? Where would we be without a little love, indeed. This song speaks right through me.
Coke plug. Coke commercial.
I resisted Center Stage. I scoffed at Coyote Ugly. But I am only one person. I cannot wait to see Bring It On. I'm so serious, here. Kirsten Dunst and booty-shaking. Man. Sign me up right now.
Scout and Bella sit in the Friendly's. Scout holds a Coke. He asks if that call was weird for her. She says it was. He tells her that his dad is coming up for Parents Weekend. Well, "Today." Scout asks what he should say. Bella's all, "Hey, Dad. You look great. I've got a surprise for you. Your daughter." Scout laughs, because for some reason he finds this whole thing to be really funny, and says, "Okay, I get it. You don't want to meet him." She says she doesn't. "Got it." "It would just be completely bizarre, you know?" "Okay." Get on with it. Scout says that he's got to get back to work. Bella looks up and for the first time I really notice that she's got one brown eye and one blue eye. Amazing. With the amount of close-ups they do in this show, you'd think I'd have seen it before this moment. It's amazing where your mind wanders when you get bored. They're all, "See ya Monday," so I guess it's supposed to be Friday or something. Like dates and times mean anything in Rawley.
Prep School Without Classes. Kids hug parents. Fade into Terri's room. The WB has heard our complaints, and they've got Terri back on her computer. She reads something, touches her head and says, "Oh, no!"
Terri runs down the stairs of the dorm. She runs into the television room where Verve is channel-surfing. Check this out. Five episodes of questions and interest are completely squandered in the following fifteen seconds. "My mom's coming. She takes five minutes away from the stage to come see me. Only I'm not me. I'm someone I invented to mess with her head to make her realize that she doesn't know me at all. That's why I did this. To get her attention. To make her notice." Verve asks if she thinks she'll notice. "She's self-centered; she's not blind." Verve tells her that if she gets "caught," she'll get "booted." Because Verve apparently is shackled to the Rawley Boys Dorm, he says, "And I'll never see you again." Terri tells him that her mother thinks she goes to Rawley Girls. Terri asks what she should do. "Enroll?" Verve offers. Terri looks off and remembers that she has to shave her legs. She runs off.
Now, if you add this scene with the final two minutes of the last episode, they completely ruined the entire Terri and Verve subplot in less than three minutes of tape. All of the fun in figuring out how someone was going to react when they found this or that out, all of the intrigue as to why Terri was dressing up (Was she heterosexual? Was she writing a story? Did anyone else know?) -- all fun has now stopped. And if Terri is doing this to make her mom realize she doesn't pay enough attention to her, then why does she have to hide it from her now? Wasn't this the entire plan? Is it just that she likes the school now? It can't just be Verve. Because she could still see Verve if she wasn't going to Rawley. Eventually they will both graduate from Rawley, like in a couple of weeks, when the summer session ends. She's just not going to tell her mom now? How hard was it to get into the Rawley school posing as a boy, anyway? Why am I still asking questions? It's like yelling into a cave. I'm sure I'll get the answer eventually, but it'll just fall down hard on my head and give me a concussion instead of entertaining me. Anyway, back to the "show."
Senator Calhoun (Scout's dad, who sorta skipped the stubble rule, but not the square head rule) knocks on Will's door. Will introduces himself. Someone shoved a stick in Senator Calhoun's ass for this scene. Hold on to something steady, people, because this be some crap-ass writing right here. Senator: "Oh, and it all comes rushing back. The kid who used to live in this room when I went to Rawley, he lived to torture me." Will: "Sounds like a real jerk." Jerk! Ha! And way to go judging people right away, Will. Nice expectations about the truth. Senator: "Yeah, he was. But after years of Ben Gay in my jockstrap, I uh..." Wait. He said "Ben," and then he said "Gay" and then he said "jockstrap." I love this dramatic pause here so we can assume that he must mean something deeper than "I learned to put my jockstrap away after I used it." And who was his old dormmate, Chet from Weird Science? Senator: "...I finally got him back." Will: "Nair in his shampoo?" Senator: "No, I whipped his butt in the '94 election." Will: "Ha. That's cool." Yeah, man, like, so cool. Senator Towniehump asks Will where he's from. Will swallows and admits that he's there on scholarship. The Senator makes some statement about it being difficult to get into Rawley on scholarship so Will has to go put on his hairshirt again.
Scout walks in and he hugs his dad. Will looks on with much jealousy. "So?" Senator asks. "Oh, yeah, we're in, we're in!" Scout says. "Best qualifying time in three years," Will nods. Wait, there's only three men in the room. I smell a Finn. "Good work today, guys." There he is, all leaning in the doorway being creepy. Scout introduces Finn as "our fearless leader." I hate these Prichard Bitches. Finn tells Senator Homecoming that his boat "still holds the record." The Senator gives his vote-winning smile and says, "That's right, since 1977." Okay. Math time. 1977. That was twenty-three years ago. Now, I guess if he went back to homecoming fifteen years ago for the 1985 Homecoming Whateverfest, he might have shacked up with Bella's mom then. But if in 1977 he was fifteen, then how old was he when he went to jail for protesting Vietnam? Maybe that's why Scout never told the entire story. He was either lying, or his dad was the oldest kid in Rawley. Either way, it's embarrassing. And shacking up with a Townie on Homecoming isn't really the way they made it sound in the first episode, is it? This is a later note they've added because it doesn't make any sense. Oh, forget it.
Small talk and head nods and lots of hands in pockets round out the scene. All four of them have their hands in their pockets. Is there no director here? Senator Who'sYourDaddy asks Will if his father is coming. I'll leave that joke alone, because young Will hates any sort of light-hearted conversation and immediately starts hemming and hawing and "actually"-ing until Scout changes the subject. He tells his dad that Will is one of the best rowers on the team. "Well," he says, "thank God for the Will Krudskis of this world." Yes, I have added that to my nightly prayers. Thanks for long-winded-no-point voice-overs and constant reminders that poor kids aren't allowed to have any fun. Thanks for strange-sized heads and moping. Thanks for weird man-boy love in an adult teacher's room. Senator Humpsalot says, "And here's what I'm thinking: Fannies." Fannies. They just can't leave the boy-love alone, can they? Will chimes in that Fannies is a restaurant and they make the "best lobster rolls ever." The senator smiles and says, "So, you're with us today." Oooookay.
I guess he isn't, because suddenly Will has teleported to his bike, wheeling to a stop outside Mamawhore's shop. Huzzah! Mamawhore! What words of wisdom will she have this time? I hope it's "never frost on a Friday, honey. Here, hand Mamawhore her Kools." Will tells all of the shop "ladies" that they have to come out and see the Regatta because the junior division has never finished first in this race. Well, then, what the hell was the senator bragging about? Will also says "y'all" here, which probably happened when the writer thought the place was set in Raleigh and not Rawley. It happens. I understand. Will starts bragging about Scout's dad to Mamawhore and mentions that he got to drive his Mercedes. "In the parking lot." Mamawhore starts sweating at the mention of older men and luxury cars. She flips Will's strands and announces that he could use a haircut. "In the bowl, mister," she says. Will walks over to the sink, but for some reason we just stay on a close-up of Mamawhore for a while as she licks her lips. As she starts preparing him for the shampoo, she says that his dad was cleaning out the attic the other day and they found a bunch of his old trophies, books, and journals. "Thought you'd might want to take a look at 'em." He's only gone for the summer, woman. Don't rent out his room yet, okay? Will ruins everything with, "I'm surprised he didn't burn them and then blame it on me like he does everything else." I hate Will. "Will," Mamawhore says. "Stop sticking up for him," Will brats. "I'm not," Mamawhore says, because she wasn't. She only said Will's name. Mamawhore reminds Will that his dad doesn't have the opportunities Will does. "And that's my fault?" Will laughs. Oh, Will. How quickly you've become one of them. Liv Tynot was so right. Mamawhore says that his dad doesn't know how to have a conversation with him. "They're called words, Mom," Will says as he leans back and lets his mother wash his hair and then chew up his lunch and regurgitate it back into his mouth. She strokes his neck so he swallows and reminds him that he's the most special-est boy on the whole planet, and everyone loves him and he's a big strong writer with deep thoughts.
"Okay, you can open your eyes." Verve removes his hand from his face and stares. We pan up on Terri in a dress. I must say that I'm now completely used to her dressing as a boy, and I find her quite attractive in her boy clothes. I sorta think of her now as a girl that wants to be a boy, so when I see her all girled out here, it reminds me of Chloe Sevigny in If These Walls Could Talk: 2 and I really want Michelle Williams to bust in and say that it's all wrong to make her wear this dress because this isn't who she is. This is, however, the WB, and they want to remind us that it's okay if Verve and Terri kiss because they're of different sexes. I mean, it's not like they're related or anything. Wait. Whoops. Scratch that. Terri has her hair all flattened down on her head, and she looks like she's wearing one of those Lego wigs that you put on your Lego guy if they aren't wearing a Lego hat. "What?" she asks, but she does it with this strange accent that she sometimes has like she's British. Also it's important to note that the Sean Young voice wasn't Terri pretending to be a boy. That's her voice. She's got a deep voice. I would have thought that was part of the act. I'm always wrong, aren't I? Verve is pleasantly surprised to see Terri in a dress. "Wow." "Really?" Terri asks, amazed, because she, like us, assumed that Verve would only be attracted to her if she was a boy. Verve says that, last week, the only time he thought he'd see Terri in a dress was at the "Gay Pride parade." It does kind of look like Terri is now in drag. I'm that used to her being a boy. She touches her breasts a few times in the mirror and says, "Yeah, well, my mom likes me in pastels." She turns and this piano music starts up, so we have to pay attention to the following monologue. She says that she had a dress like that when she was six and she couldn't wait to show her mom what she looked like in it, but her mom went away to do Cats and by the time she came back, Terri had outgrown the dress. "Yeah, sweet story," Verve dismisses. He gives her the "come 'ere" finger and then says, "Come here," as he walks over to her and kisses her. We watch them kiss in the mirror.
Now the only person that's confused about the relationships in Young Americans is me. How come Verve isn't upset about all of this? Is he relieved Terri is a girl? Is she relieved he wasn't upset, or does she sometimes wonder if he liked her more when she was a boy and exciting and new? Does Bella even want to date Scout? If so, why? He hasn't done anything even slightly nice for her and continues to boss her around about whom she should see and where she should go and which dad she should meet. Where's Sean? Where's Paige? Where's LA Girl? Why does Will need to be with Scout if he just won back his princess? Why is it never hot in Rawley? And the most important question of all: what happened to all of the nudity? Dammit, that's why we kept watching in the first place. I haven't seen a pec in weeks and I'm getting damn tired of it, I tell you. Damn tired. I tape pictures from Playgirl and Twist up to the Dueling Saint Clares. "This is what we want," I tell them. "Now fucking Get. To. Work." The nice thing about when the Dueling Saint Clares give me the dueling fingers is that they are so small and angry that it's just cute. It makes me giggle. The cat pukes on one of the naked pictures, so now I'm worried about what exactly we're going to see in the future.
Ye Olde Gas Pumpe. Bella and her dad are working on a '68 Chevy Truck. Bella's dads keep changing. I remember there were two in the pilot. One was Finn for a second, and then the other guy. And now there's some other guy that's not who Bella's dad was before. And Senator Calhump. She's got more dads than Staci Keanan. ["Hey, did you know that Giovanni Ribisi used to be on that show?" -- Sars] He walks over to her and says, "So. It's the big weekend. Where I get to defend my title." "What?" Bella asks all scared. He, of course, means the amount of Mercedes cars that will come into the station, not, of course, that he's her father. I'm so tired of this. He takes "twenty." Bella smiles and takes "twenty-five." On cue, the first one pulls up. Bella walks off to take it, and her dad watches her leave and smiles.
Scout rides his bike up to the pump and says, "I guess you're just what I needed." Bella stares for a second. "What?" she asks again. "Just what I needed! The song! The Cars!" This is so stupid, seriously. They aren't even making it sound plausible. Really. "Hey, pamie," Saint Clare II shouts from the television. "What?" "Relax. Don't do it." Saint Clare I pipes up: "I hate everything about you." I love those girls. Bella says she'd be impressed with Scout's lyrical stylings if it didn't take him "five hours to figure it out." So much happens in five hours on this show. Scout says he's been thinking (uh-oh), and he thinks it's crazy that Bella doesn't want to meet the Senator. "My dad, our dad, is the most amazing, supportive, intelligent guy [that ever screwed both of our moms] that I've ever known, so yes, I think it's crazy that you don't want to meet him." He says that since the Senator is in town, "in the flesh," they should tell him. "I have a dad," Bella reminds him. Big and strong. I stop with the Jane's Addiction song because Bella kicks off the first of many father monologues this episode: "The guy who didn't sleep for four days straight when I had a concussion. The guy who taught me how to tune up a car so I could be self-sufficient. The guy who didn't run when my mother did. Maybe you should stop thinking about yourself and realize this is my decision." I didn't know I just needed to know how to tune-up a car to be self-sufficient! Dammit! Why didn't they tell me that in college? Jobs. Who needs 'em? Scout smiles, because he thinks she's such a pretty, dumb blonde. "Don't tell me you haven't thought about it at least once, meeting him face-to-face." Bella comments that he thinks he knows her so well. Scout tells her that it's not such a bad family to belong to. I'm not so sure of that. She asks him if he's ever thought "just for a second" that the Senator might not want to meet her. She walks off as Scout mouth-breathes so hard that the lens fogs up.
Commercial. Gracias, Saint Clares.
I call all of my friends to tell them that if they want to continue being my friends, then they won't tell me if they go out and see Autumn in New York. Jeff tells me that I have no choice and that he's going to send me a recap of the film. He taxes me so, that Jeff.
Sprite commercial. Pretty sneaky, sis.
Scout and Will are standing on the edge of a pier. Why do I always have to write sentences like that? Someone forgot to put the platform shoes on Scout. Scout's asking what happened to Liv Tynot. Will says that they are taking things slowly and that he doesn't want to "push it." "Yeah, I think I made that same mistake with Bella," Scout whines. No, see, honey, you can't have her. You can't have her. She's your sister. Your mistake was kissing her. Scout's whites aren't as white as Will's. Scout knows that Bella just needs to meet his dad and then they'll be okay. He sure knows what's best for everyone, doesn't he? There are "jokes" about "800-pound gorillas" and "the whole zoo," but you know how it goes -- Scout feels this pressure and Will reminds Scout that he's the one with real problems. Scout says that Bella's worried that his dad won't like her. She didn't say that. Will reminds Scout solemnly that "[i]t's one thing to be liked. It's another thing to be accepted." They leave to "get something to eat." What's with the pier in that scene? They were the only ones out there just standing with their arms crossed on the edge. They weren't even facing the water. It's like they kept trying to do the scene somewhere else but it kept raining, so they just threw it up at the edge of the pier.
Terri is standing in front of Rawley Girls wearing a different pink dress. MamaTerri parks in front of a big ol' "No Parking" sign so we know that she's a busy jet-setter who doesn't have time for small-town rules. She's on her cell phone talking about a "script" as she hugs Terri with one arm. She tells the person that she has to go because there's "someone more important." She hangs up and the phone instantly rings. She barks to the caller that she's not too old to play Dorothy, because Diana Ross was "like, fifty-two when they made The Wiz." Nice. MamaTerri hangs up the phone and whines, "They're going with Tiffani-Amber Thiessen." Terri winces for all of us. ["Probably because MamaTerri should know that she's just 'Tiffani Thiessen' now." -- Sars] MamaTerri comments that Terri's hair is short. "Yeah...well...it was...getting in the way...of...my life." Fifteen seconds, wasted. MamaTerri says it's "fresh" and hugs Terri again, saying how much she's missed her. I really don't see what Terri's problem with MamaTerri is. I like her. Even though she is the poor-man's Annette Bening (tm ophy). MamaTerri says she missed, "This. Missed us." Terri smiles and agrees. MamaTerri asks to go inside and says she'd love to meet Terri's roommate. Verve walks up and saves the day. He welcomes MamaTerri and introduces himself. He says that he was sent to personally escort "[her] and Jake..." "--queline," Terri finishes. "Jacqueline." Nice move there, Verve. MamaTerri thanks Verve, grabs his arm and asks to be escorted to the ladies room. "I need some lips...and eyes." I do, too, as I've just ripped mine off my face. Pick me up a couple of pairs, wouldja, MamaTerri? She asks Verve to tell her about the student body. She then asks him to call her "Monica." Terri watches them in amazement as they walk off.
Will's on that bike again. He runs up into his house and slowly walks into his room. Will's not really so smart, y'all. He keeps a dartboard over his television set. BadDad comes busting in, all wearing his BadDad workclothes, carrying the BadDad Alcoholic Toolkit. He gives Will a once-over and then turns his back. Will asks where Mamawhore is. "She's out," BadDad groans, while measuring a small space on the wall over the desk. Maybe for another dartboard? Will says he came by to get his stuff. "Good." Will's all, "I'm just gonna get this stuff and get out of here. And then you can pretend I never existed." I do think it's Will that starts these fights, don't you? "Why not? Since your own family isn't good enough for ya." "Not the whole family, Dad," Will says. Oh, man. I would have been smacked across the face for saying something like that to my father. Just as BadDad's going to do just that, Mamawhore comes in and offers to make Will some food. He gets up out of there quickly, and Mamawhore gives BadDad the look of shame. BadDad stares at the wall. The high-pitched flute comes in and rattles the dartboard onto the floor.
Verve and MamaTerri are still walking hand in hand as Terri offers Verve a handshake and thanks him. "For everything," she adds. He tells MamaTerri it was very nice to meet her. She reminds him to email his pictures to her so she can give them to some Peter guy that she knows in New York. She says that it's nice when people have an artistic outlet that "they're passionate about. And good at." She says she tells Terri that all the time. "Yeah, it's easy for you to say," Terri smiles. "You master everything." Terri turns to Verve and tells him that MamaTerri played Lady Macbeth in three different languages. MamaTerri gets modest and then invites Verve to the Rawley Girls lunch tomorrow with them. Cue the Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love. Before we get to the "twist," I'm just wondering how they even got information on the Rawley Girls Parents Weekend itinerary, since Terri doesn't go to that school. Verve says that he can't go because he's got the Regatta at that time. Pointed look at Terri, who's supposed to be in the Regatta as well. Terri mumbles that noon is such a "weird time for lunch," so they should make it later. MamaTerri says it's not a "coffee shop" and that the lunch is scheduled already. Verve excuses himself and MamaTerri tells Terri that he likes her. She says she hardly even knows him. Then she stops her and blushes and says, "You think so?" "Oh, yeah." MamaTerri's cell phone is going off before she makes it into the car. She answers it as she starts to drive off. Terri watches her drive away and then runs back towards the boys dorm. MamaTerri stops her car to get a pen and sees Terri running in the wrong direction. But from the sign that they stop and hold on, it looks like Terri's running towards the lake.
Diner of Bankruptcy. Will hands Bella "two cheeseburgers to go and some extra fries since [they] are closing." That place will never make a dime, I tell ya. Bella asks where Scout is. Will tells her that he's with his dad. Will says that the Senator is really cool and makes you feel important. Bella asks what he looks like. Will says "like a Senator." Bella asks if the Senator looks like Scout. Will says he does a little. Yadda, yadda, yadda, "Does he look like...?" Will says he knows that she said she didn't want to meet him. We hear a car horn outside. Bella and Will look outside and watch Bella's dad finish with a car. He turns to Will and Bella, tucks his rag between his legs and wiggles his dirty fingers. Bella laughs and says, "Look at my dad. He's so crazy." Who needs a Senator when you've got Martin Lawrence for a dad? Wigglin' his dirty fingers. Putting his red rag between his legs. Will seizes his chance to bring things down again and goes in with Scene Two of Monologues and Fathers: "I used to have this picture in my head of what the perfect relationship with my dad would be like. How he'd always be there, always show up, always say the right things. But he never has. And he never will. But I'll tell you something I never tell anybody. I leave a little room of possibility that one day he'll be that guy because you just never know, right? Look. I'm no expert on dads. That's what you have, Bella. A little piece of possibility. Meeting Senator Calhoun wouldn't take anything away from what you have with Charlie." Bella thanks Will and kisses him on the cheek. Will looks around as we fade out. I wish that every time Will gets all preachy, they have to take away one of his voice-overs.
Bella teleports into Scout's dorm room in the middle of the night and announces that she's changed her mind. She says she wants to meet the Senator, but on her terms. She wants to meet him tomorrow at the Regatta. Scout is, of course, all smiles and "great, great." "And my dad can't know about this," she adds. She's not smiling. "'Cause it'd crush him." "You got it," Scout says all like he's Harrison Ford. He smiles and blinks. "Okay," Bella exhales. "Tomorrow." She walks off. Scout keeps grinning, because if he keeps getting his way every single time like this, there's only a matter of days before he's hittin' the sister sauce.
Coke commercial.
Girlie Lunch. Terri is eating very quickly and asks if MamaTerri needs to get back to New York. "Like, right now." MamaTerri asks why she pretended she didn't know Verve. Terri acts all innocent. MamaTerri asks if she's sleeping with him. She says she saw her heading over to Verve's dorm yesterday. Terri does the worst spit-take I've ever seen. "We can talk about it, you know." "It?" "Sex. Let's talk about sex." Oh. My. God. No. Salt 'N' Pepa's "Let's Talk About Sex" cranks up as MamaTerri looks at Terri and Terri looks into her coffee cup. Terri says, "Mom," and stops the music. Come on, people, I'm not recapping Ally McBeal for a goddamn reason.
Terri says she's not "having it." Excuse me, Miss? No, she's not havin' it. "I'm not," she says again. MamaTerri looks at her. The song cranks up again. My ears! Not my pretty ears! MamaTerri looks down, smiles, looks down, smiles, cocks her head, stops the song and says, "Penis." Close up on Terri, who doesn't have a penis, as MamaTerri continues. "Vagina. Intercourse. You've gotta get comfortable with these words. And with me." "Yeah," Terri says. MamaTerri's cell phone rings. You know, I'm just a Townie and all, but it really doesn't seem like MamaTerri's this big mean uncaring absent mother. I think she's just a busy successful actress. In a very bad pink terrycloth coat. Ooh, terrycloth. Maybe that's a shout-out. MamaTerri announces that her phone call is going to take a minute. Terri whispers, "I gotta pee and I gotta return a book." Sounds like a typical Saturday afternoon to me. Terri walks off as I am forced to listen to "Let's Talk About Sex" again. The Benny Hill theme would be more appropriate here, as Terri starts running off...
...and she's suddenly on a boat. "What took you so long?" Verve asks. Terri is pulling down the front of her dress as she leans over and shouts, "Sex!" Not enough in this show, baby. If Verve is going to be in a boat, there should be a rule that he's got to take off his shirt. At the word "sex," Verve, of course, swerves the boat and knocks Terri back. Her clothes stay on, though. He apologizes. She says that her mother knows about them. He says that they haven't done it yet and she says she knows that. Terri pulls her t-shirt over her ace bandage bra and says that she's never done it. He says he hasn't either. He says he's gotten close. "Really?" she asks. "You haven't?" "We gotta practice," he whines. "I, uh, I mean...we gotta get to practice." Terri smiles and finishes changing. This scene might have been more endearing if it weren't for Salt 'N' Pepa singing the same damn chorus over and over again. Once they started talking about this, they should have changed the song to "Shoop" or just shut it off. Between the background music, the boat, and the threat of the Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love looming over, I could hardly listen to the conversation.
Finn has his hands in his pockets, so Will is standing behind him. "Nice of you to join us, boys," he says to Terri and Verve as they run up. As he starts telling the crew to enter the boat, Verve wipes his hand on Terri's face to remove her lipstick. Oh, man. That was so hot. No, really, that was hot. He like, grabbed her head with one hand and started pulling on her mouth with the other, and then she pulled up her hands and started wiping her mouth too and the Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love kicked in and I was all, "Cool." Will saw all of this, though, and is now giving Terri and Verve the "those boys sure are funny. Queer funny" eyebrows. He even shakes his head back and forth in case we didn't catch it.
The parents are cheering from the stands. Senator Recordholder leans against a tree. It's like a first heat or something, so no one is really cheering or interested in the race. In fact, it doesn't even look like they're trying too hard. The Senator is pleased as the Rawley Crew beat the Yellow Shirt Crew. One guy in the stands is shouting, "Go! Go!" As they win, Finn shouts something about the race being at four. "Good work!" he bellows. "Good work!" He putters off in his tiny boat.
The Rawley boys run back onto the pier without a trace of sweat, all mumbling until Vinnie Barbarino pipes up, "Unbelievable!" Will stops running and having fun with them because, well, he's Will. Finn carpe diems and walks up behind him and touches his shoulder. He asks if Will is going to be spending time with his family between the races. Will says it'll just be Mamawhore, but she can't make it until later. Finn squints and says, "Dad can't make it?" "He could if he wanted to," Will brats. Finn apologizes, but looks a bit pleased. Will says that his dad has "this thing" where he thinks Will thinks he's better than he is. "Are you?" Finn asks, thinking about all the things Will might be good at. "I don't know," Will laughs. He says that he might as well stay home, since he's got nothing to say to him. "Doesn't sound like that to me," Finn says. They stare at each other for a while. Finn gets up and fondles Will's arm and then leaves. Man, I find every Will and Finn scene to be the creepiest thing in the world.
Whee! Terri is ripping off her boy clothes in the back of Verve's boat as he races to get her back to the lunch. How long could her mother conceivably sit there before she notices Terri's been gone for half an hour? Seriously. Verve doesn't watch where he's driving at all and just watches Terri change with this leering grin. She sees him watching her and laughs.
Terri runs back into the luncheon area, fixing her shoes. MamaTerri just now hangs up and says, "Thought I was going to have to call out the reserve." Terri apologizes. MamaTerri brings up Verve again. Terri sighs and says that "it's new, that's all." MamaTerri takes a second, lowers her head and asks, "Are you embarrassed of me?" Terri says no. MamaTerri says she doesn't understand why she'd pretend not to know Verve. "You are a most unusual girl," she says. "Yeah, that's what some people say," Terri says. Wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh. MamaTerri stands up and says they should get going. Terri asks where. "The Regatta." Cue the Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love. "Don't you want to see Hamilton win?" Terri reminds her that she has to get back to New York. MamaTerri promises that she won't embarrass her. She says she'll sit quietly and watch. "And turn my cell phone off." Yeah, Terri's right. MamaTerri is an evil bitch. She tells Terri to freshen up her lipstick and walks off.
Am I supposed to buy these Tidy Cat Crystals? I gotta tell you, I'm just getting used to clumps of clay under my toes after I shower. I'm not sure I'm gonna like month-old pee crystals. It's strange, though, that this kitty litter commercial makes me want to drink Fruitopia.
Scout and his dad are walking through a forest. See, it's sentences like that that make me think you guys assume I'm making all of this up. I'm not. Scout's dad is busting old-school on Scout. "You know, my first year I went here there was no Rawley Girls School." Them's some good proper speaking there, Mister Senator! Scout says he didn't know that. Senator Inappropriate says that he had to go into the town to date Townie chicks. "They were pretty cute." "They still are." Ew. The senator asks if Scout is seeing anybody. Instead of mentioning his girlfriend Paige, he says that he met this pretty, smart girl. There's just one problem. "She's my sister." Senator Cover-up laughs and says that is a big problem. Scout says that the Senator knew her mother. "What are you talking about?" Scout: "She knew you. She had a daughter." Scout got his face shot full of Botox before this scene. "What are you, joking?" "She's...fifteen years old...and...her mom is gone...she wants to meet you." This is my favorite line in this episode. Ready? Senator Ridiculous wins the worst-line competition with this gem: "Okay, so, what you're telling me is that there's some crazy girl running around town claiming to be my daughter?" Lock up your doors, New Rawley! There's a crazy girl running around! She's talking crazy talk! Hide your children! Scout's all, "She's not crazy," and I just can't stop giggling. The Senator says this is just not true. Scout says, "All right, then tell me this. When you came back for Homecoming, were you with a girl named Donna?" "Stop it." Scout's voice gets all strange and low and monotone and his eyes shoot blue ice as he drones, "I need to know was there a girl named Donna?" "I knew a lot of girls, Son," Senator Goodexample says. "How many?" Scout drones. They stare at each other for a long time. The announcement breaks in that the final race is about to begin. More staring. "Well, I think you've got a speech to make," Scout snarks. The Senator walks off and starts hand-shaking and baby-kissing. No, for real.
Bella walks up. "Look at you all dressed up," Scout says, still smiling. "Oh, yeah, I had, like, no clean jeans, so..." Scout tells Bella that he didn't mention her to his father. "What?" Bella says that six times an episode. "So, are we gonna tell him together?" "No." "So how are we gonna do this?" "Well, it's just bad timing, I mean, in general." With the election coming up and everything, this just wasn't the best time. He says he wanted this meeting to be perfect, and his dad's under too much stress right now. She says that she was only meeting his dad to humor Scout. Bella puts on her brave face and says she's relieved that she doesn't have to meet him. She says she'd love to stay for the race, but she's got work to do. As she turns to leave, she turns around and says she has "a good one." "Motoring. What's your price for flight? In finding Mr. Right. You'll be all right tonight." Scout asks what the song is. "'Sister Christian?' Night Ranger?" Honey, you may be his sister, but you're no Christian. "You gave up too soon, Master Scout," she says. What's with her calling him Master Scout all the time, anyway? Really. Scout smiles and watches her walk away. Bella stops just out of his view and cries for a while to the background music about sailing away. She watches the Senator give his speech. She pouts off.
Mamawhore smiles at Will. Verve is standing with the Crew, looking around for Terri. The Senator wishes them good luck. "So let's hit it!" he smiles. Everyone claps, including Scout. The Senator watches Scout run with the other boys.
On the pier, Terri runs up. "Pratt, thanks for showing up," Scout smirks. "Hey, lay off," Verve says, just like Kenicki. Will and Scout stand pec to pec as Scout says, "Ooh, look at the little lovebirds." "What's up your butt, Calhoun?" Terri asks. "I had a family thing," she says. "I've been dealing with my dad all day, guys," Scout snots. "Well, I don't have a dad, so I'm not dealing with one," Terri snaps back (but really, that doesn't mean anything). Verve says that his dad lives on campus and he hasn't seen him all weekend. Yeah, where the hell are Verve's parents? "Rich kids dealing with Mommy and Daddy problems. My heart weeps." Always Will with the trump card. "Gentlemen!" Finn interrupts. "There's an obstacle to winning here today. And it's you, Mr. Krudski." Oh, did he cheat to get on Crew, too? "What?" Will scoffs. As he starts to explain that he didn't mean to download crew.com, Finn goes on to say that the obstacle is also Scout. The obstacle is also Verve. The obstacle is Terri. The obstacle is, in fact, apparently everyone except for the last two Crew kids standing in the back. "Each one of you possesses not only the ability to win, but also the ability to keep yourselves from achieving that victory. Yes. This race is important. But not to prove that we're better than Saint Josephs. Though we are." The rich assholes laugh. "But rather to prove that each one of you is better than the personal obstacles that stand in front of you. It's a tall order. But understand that, and you won't just be winners in today's race. Let's go win." Man, it's just a Parents Weekend. Calm the fuck down. Seriously.
The race is slow. The better to watch the muscles. Stroking. Taut muscles. Terri's mom is in the stands, but somehow doesn't recognize her daughter yelling at the end of the boat. Slow-motion rowing. Mmm. Boat tips. Rowing. Struggling. Man against man. Man against nature. Boy against Finn. Girl against sleep. Boat tips. Cheering. Mamawhore is proud. The Rawley boys win a very quick race. They shout and clap and aren't even slightly sweaty.
Will runs right over to his mama. She hugs him and says he was amazing. She apologizes for yesterday. Will apologizes as well. "Well, he's just afraid, that's all." Will: "Well, what's he so afraid of?" Mamawhore: "Of you!" Will: "What, that I'm gonna fail?" Mamawhore: "No, that you're gonna succeed." She says that Will has all these opportunities that his dad didn't have and he's jealous. Will says he doesn't want to be that person. Mamawhore says he can't help it. Will's just the specialist special boy in de hoe wide word! Wess he wiis. Will says he has to go take the team photo.
The team photo cracks me up. On one side, holding one of the oars, are the two boys that apparently didn't have any obstacles before this race. All huddled up on the other side are Verve, Terri, Will, Scout, and Finn. Everyone looks at each other in slow motion, and twenty minutes later, the picture is taken. Okay, if MamaTerri didn't spot her daughter before now, she really should have noticed when she was standing right in front of her. Man.
As the photo Crew breaks up, Will looks up and sees his father staring at him. They look at each other for a few moments. Finn looms right behind Will's head. Will's dad walks off. Will walks off to follow him, and Finn looks disappointed. Will calls to his dad, but BadDad gets in his truck and takes off. Will looks around for a long while.
Scout and his dad stand on the edge of the pond. The Senator apologizes for earlier. He says they're "in this together" and that he'll "leave no stone unturned" and they will "get to the bottom of this." I guess Scout decides if he gets re-elected. Scout says that he just wanted to let him know that "that girl, she's what [he] thought." Okay. I guess this is a part of Scout's gettin'-busy plan. The Senator asks if he wants to talk about it. Scout says he's fine. The Senator asks if they are fine. Scout says that they are. Feel the love, people. Feel the love. The Senator says that he's made some mistakes in his life. "You understand?" The background music takes over, saying, "Please forgive me." I don't forgive them for that last scene at all.
Terri walks MamaTerri back to her Jag. Terri is back in the earlier pink dress of foreshadowing. MamaTerri says they have a history of her not telling her what's going on in her life, and that she's never needed her help before so she's not doing it now. She says that she just wanted to tell her to keep doing whatever it is she's doing right now, because she's never seen her so happy. Terri laughs. "That dress, it's pretty on you. Didn't you have one like that when you were little?" "Yeah, I did," Terri says with a smile. See? That monologue earlier was worth it. MamaTerri says she's always a phone call away. "Yeah, and thank God for voice mail," Terri says back. "There's so much that I want to say," the background music tells us as MamaTerri gets back in her car. Y'all, isn't she just a bitch? I can totally see why Terri went through all of this trouble. Maybe Terri's just got some deep problems and attention issues, and she lied to Verve about why she dressed like a boy. Ooh, that's the new thing that I'm going to think about her, just to give the two of them some semblance of a plotline.
Scout is staring at the lake from a window. "Reliving the glory?" Will asks. "Something like that. It's been a weird couple of days." Will asks if Bella ever came around. Scout says they'll leave it with "they never met." Scout gets part three of What Are Daddies For with: "For a long time, I thought my dad was perfect. And it's weird to suddenly see him as this whole different person, you know? I thought getting older would feel better than this." "It will," Will says. "I'm pretty sure." They make out passionately in the break room.
Bella's dad (the dad that's the new dad but not Scout's dad) rolls out from under the same old truck they keep fixing this episode. And every episode. Bella takes the credit card from the man at the pump. It's Scout's dad. As she goes into the station she sees the name on the card. She turns to the window and stares at him for a long time. Scout's dad doesn't seem to mind the five-minute wait for his card to be run. Bella keeps staring and squinting and staring. She walks out with his receipt. As he signs it, she keeps staring at him. He catches her staring. She smiles and looks down. "You haven't lost it, Senator Grabass," he must be thinking. He hands her the receipt and thanks her. She smiles back. He drives away as Bella's dad walks up and says, "Twenty-five Mercedes [sic]. Looks like you won, honey." Bella does not smile a winner's smile.
"Expectations," Will cuts in. I don't mind these final voice-overs anymore, as they signal the end of my hell. Bella, Scout, and Will all walk over to some flagpole thing in the center of main street as Will finishes. "They change as we change. They're born of our biggest dreams and deepest fears. Sometimes we even inherit them. Sometimes they bring us moments we don't anticipate. The ones that make you think and stop and take inventory and give you a better understanding of where you're at and where you're headed. And ultimately? Create new expectations." And ultimately? Create the longest sentence I've ever quoted. That boy's one fucking gifted writer, I tell you. He's got expectations.
week it's a total Ferris Bueller's Day Off rip-off from beginning to end. Without any of the good parts. But Bella's in a bikini, so that should please some of the young Americans out there.