Winning Isn't Everything

Hi, everyone. It's me, Saint Clare, the Patron Saint of Television. The one on the left. Saint Clare I. SCII is in the other room, still consoling pamie. Look, you guys are just going to have to be a little more understanding for this recap. This show is really starting to get to her, and periodically she searches the apartment for blunt objects to jam into her eyes. It's really not pretty. We're both worried about her, Saint Clare II and I. We think she might do something drastic. I keep reminding her that there are only three more episodes of this thing, but she keeps mumbling "wasted plotlines" and "makes me want to quit my Diet Coke addiction." I think she might be sneaking other television shows in on the side, too. And every week after the initial airing of the episode, she rips out all of her toenails. She says the real pain is a reminder that television pain eventually dulls. I don't know about that. I still get shooting pains in my eyes when I remember the Billy Girls. Anyway, I just wanted to come out and tell you that, before pamie sat down to recap. Don't let her know I talked to you. It's just thatshe's fragile right now. So if she starts screaming or speaking in tongues, just pretend you are following right along with her. She called Bella an "incestuous twit" the other week. Sometimes she'll just start giggling and whisper, "Krudski." And someone (I'm not sure who) wrote "Finn Must Die" in lipstick on the bathroom mirror. This place is starting to scare me. You know what? Don't treat pamie with kid gloves. I need you guys to watch out for the safety of us Saint Clares. Pamie blames us for every bad line. We can't fix them all. We bring her week after week of Sex and the City. I don't know why she's got to be so mad at us for Bella's makeup. We don't even handle makeup. I hate pamie. Shit, here she comes. Act cool.

Hey, guys! What's up?

Okay, fine. Don't say anything.

Previously on Young Americans: Liv Tynot tells Will off. Scout asks if Bella ever pretends that they aren't related so that they could get their schwerves on. Bella says she does. Verve busts up on Terri and kisses her. He freaks because they are now gay. She tells him she's a girl.

What do we need the episodes for when there's this two-second recap here that tells us everything without the bad writing, lighting, or characters?

"Stroke!" I love that that's the first thing we hear coming from Lake Homoerotica as the sunset kisses the muscular bodies of Rawley's finest. It even beats out the schmaltz-fest of Krudski's Komments. I just tune him out, now. I watch the boys move. But here it is, because you know you're addicted to Good Will Kruddy's wistful ruminations: "Expectations. They change as we change. They're born of our biggest dreams and deepest fears. Sometimes we even inherit them. Lately, I'm expecting a lot of things, which could lead to happiness, or disappointment. But regardless, they'll bring me closer to the truth." Man, I wish he had said "irregardless." Okay, this is said while the Rawley boys hang a banner (there's always a banner) announcing the upcoming crew competition. Then boys row and we see muscular forearms. What does that mean, really? What truth?

"I don't wanna see your face no more," Scout says all faux-accusingly. "Scout!" Bella shouts, like she's angry. They're standing over a '57 Chevy. "What?" Scout's all mad. Bella's tone changes instantly. "That's so easy. Lenny Kravitz. 'American Woman.'" Wow. Wow. Wow, that's really lame. Using a lyric game to make us think there might be actual tension and/or conflict in this show, but then delivering the line so shittily that it seems like you're watching a screen test. Oh, man. Dear Young Americans writing staff: First of all -- no. This is crap. Second, we aren't retarded. Even Scout and Bella's mutated children would know that Kravitz didn't write 'American Woman.' I know you're all "Yeah, America" and "Yeah, Tommy Hilfiger," but you could at least give The Guess Who the credit they deserve. No love, pamie. Back to the smirking. Bella counters with, "When you're standing, oh so near, I kinda lose my mind." See? Because she works on cars. Get it? Isn't she a scream? Scout says he knows it. She says that he apparently doesn't, tells him that his break is over, calls him "Master C" for some reason, and tells him to get back to work. Oh, the Townie thinks "Scout" begins with a "C." That's so cute. They giggle and flirt a little more, and then Scout gets all serious and all "about what happened at the cotillion" with her. Bella asks if Paige thinks she's "scamming on her boyfriend." Scout says Paige is confused and doesn't know what to think because she doesn't know "the truth." As if the truth would put Paige at ease. Scout says something about how they don't know the truth either. Bella rolls her eyes and reminds him that he's with Paige and she's with Sean and everything is so groovy. Look down. Look down. Head nod. Smirk. Smirk. Nod. Blink. Maybe people keep harping on "the truth" because thetruth.com is a sponsor? So in addition to hearing week after week how refreshing Coca-Cola is, we now have to hear about the importance of "the truth?" ["As if they could reasonably expect anyone watching this crapfest to quit smoking." -- Sars]

Where are Verve and Terri? You know, the real plot that we care about?

Scout turns to leave and does this big ol' arm swoop so his cell phone falls to the ground. Bella doesn't see it, but she sighs, which signals a call. She answers it "Scout's phone," with a smirk. As she starts walking the phone over to the Friendly's, she tells the caller her name and says that she doesn't go to Rawley Girls. She asks who's calling (because it's just her business, you know) and gets all solemn, so we know it's Scout's dad. She quietly walks the phone over to Scout, stands in the shadow, and says, "It's your father." She starts walking backwards and sighing as Scout gets on the phone. Scout has a problem using any sort of range in voice when he's talking to his dad. He keeps his mouth open as he says, "Hi. No, no, Dad, she's not my girlfriend." Painful wince from Bella. "Yet," we all say together.

Opening credits. The only time we see the Fab Five in once place at the same time. Is it wrong that I want to lick Ian Somerhalder? Where would we be without a little love, indeed. This song speaks right through me.

Coke plug. Coke commercial.

I resisted Center Stage. I scoffed at Coyote Ugly. But I am only one person. I cannot wait to see Bring It On. I'm so serious, here. Kirsten Dunst and booty-shaking. Man. Sign me up right now.

Scout and Bella sit in the Friendly's. Scout holds a Coke. He asks if that call was weird for her. She says it was. He tells her that his dad is coming up for Parents Weekend. Well, "Today." Scout asks what he should say. Bella's all, "Hey, Dad. You look great. I've got a surprise for you. Your daughter." Scout laughs, because for some reason he finds this whole thing to be really funny, and says, "Okay, I get it. You don't want to meet him." She says she doesn't. "Got it." "It would just be completely bizarre, you know?" "Okay." Get on with it. Scout says that he's got to get back to work. Bella looks up and for the first time I really notice that she's got one brown eye and one blue eye. Amazing. With the amount of close-ups they do in this show, you'd think I'd have seen it before this moment. It's amazing where your mind wanders when you get bored. They're all, "See ya Monday," so I guess it's supposed to be Friday or something. Like dates and times mean anything in Rawley.

Prep School Without Classes. Kids hug parents. Fade into Terri's room. The WB has heard our complaints, and they've got Terri back on her computer. She reads something, touches her head and says, "Oh, no!"

Terri runs down the stairs of the dorm. She runs into the television room where Verve is channel-surfing. Check this out. Five episodes of questions and interest are completely squandered in the following fifteen seconds. "My mom's coming. She takes five minutes away from the stage to come see me. Only I'm not me. I'm someone I invented to mess with her head to make her realize that she doesn't know me at all. That's why I did this. To get her attention. To make her notice." Verve asks if she thinks she'll notice. "She's self-centered; she's not blind." Verve tells her that if she gets "caught," she'll get "booted." Because Verve apparently is shackled to the Rawley Boys Dorm, he says, "And I'll never see you again." Terri tells him that her mother thinks she goes to Rawley Girls. Terri asks what she should do. "Enroll?" Verve offers. Terri looks off and remembers that she has to shave her legs. She runs off.

Now, if you add this scene with the final two minutes of the last episode, they completely ruined the entire Terri and Verve subplot in less than three minutes of tape. All of the fun in figuring out how someone was going to react when they found this or that out, all of the intrigue as to why Terri was dressing up (Was she heterosexual? Was she writing a story? Did anyone else know?) -- all fun has now stopped. And if Terri is doing this to make her mom realize she doesn't pay enough attention to her, then why does she have to hide it from her now? Wasn't this the entire plan? Is it just that she likes the school now? It can't just be Verve. Because she could still see Verve if she wasn't going to Rawley. Eventually they will both graduate from Rawley, like in a couple of weeks, when the summer session ends. She's just not going to tell her mom now? How hard was it to get into the Rawley school posing as a boy, anyway? Why am I still asking questions? It's like yelling into a cave. I'm sure I'll get the answer eventually, but it'll just fall down hard on my head and give me a concussion instead of entertaining me. Anyway, back to the "show."

Senator Calhoun (Scout's dad, who sorta skipped the stubble rule, but not the square head rule) knocks on Will's door. Will introduces himself. Someone shoved a stick in Senator Calhoun's ass for this scene. Hold on to something steady, people, because this be some crap-ass writing right here. Senator: "Oh, and it all comes rushing back. The kid who used to live in this room when I went to Rawley, he lived to torture me." Will: "Sounds like a real jerk." Jerk! Ha! And way to go judging people right away, Will. Nice expectations about the truth. Senator: "Yeah, he was. But after years of Ben Gay in my jockstrap, I uh" Wait. He said "Ben," and then he said "Gay" and then he said "jockstrap." I love this dramatic pause here so we can assume that he must mean something deeper than "I learned to put my jockstrap away after I used it." And who was his old dormmate, Chet from Weird Science? Senator: "I finally got him back." Will: "Nair in his shampoo?" Senator: "No, I whipped his butt in the '94 election." Will: "Ha. That's cool." Yeah, man, like, so cool. Senator Towniehump asks Will where he's from. Will swallows and admits that he's there on scholarship. The Senator makes some statement about it being difficult to get into Rawley on scholarship so Will has to go put on his hairshirt again.

Scout walks in and he hugs his dad. Will looks on with much jealousy. "So?" Senator asks. "Oh, yeah, we're in, we're in!" Scout says. "Best qualifying time in three years," Will nods. Wait, there's only three men in the room. I smell a Finn. "Good work today, guys." There he is, all leaning in the doorway being creepy. Scout introduces Finn as "our fearless leader." I hate these Prichard Bitches. Finn tells Senator Homecoming that his boat "still holds the record." The Senator gives his vote-winning smile and says, "That's right, since 1977." Okay. Math time. 1977. That was twenty-three years ago. Now, I guess if he went back to homecoming fifteen years ago for the 1985 Homecoming Whateverfest, he might have shacked up with Bella's mom then. But if in 1977 he was fifteen, then how old was he when he went to jail for protesting Vietnam? Maybe that's why Scout never told the entire story. He was either lying, or his dad was the oldest kid in Rawley. Either way, it's embarrassing. And shacking up with a Townie on Homecoming isn't really the way they made it sound in the first episode, is it? This is a later note they've added because it doesn't make any sense. Oh, forget it.

Small talk and head nods and lots of hands in pockets round out the scene. All four of them have their hands in their pockets. Is there no director here? Senator Who'sYourDaddy asks Will if his father is coming. I'll leave that joke alone, because young Will hates any sort of light-hearted conversation and immediately starts hemming and hawing and "actually"-ing until Scout changes the subject. He tells his dad that Will is one of the best rowers on the team. "Well," he says, "thank God for the Will Krudskis of this world." Yes, I have added that to my nightly prayers. Thanks for long-winded-no-point voice-overs and constant reminders that poor kids aren't allowed to have any fun. Thanks for strange-sized heads and moping. Thanks for weird man-boy love in an adult teacher's room. Senator Humpsalot says, "And here's what I'm thinking: Fannies." Fannies. They just can't leave the boy-love alone, can they? Will chimes in that Fannies is a restaurant and they make the "best lobster rolls ever." The senator smiles and says, "So, you're with us today." Oooookay.

I guess he isn't, because suddenly Will has teleported to his bike, wheeling to a stop outside Mamawhore's shop. Huzzah! Mamawhore! What words of wisdom will she have this time? I hope it's "never frost on a Friday, honey. Here, hand Mamawhore her Kools." Will tells all of the shop "ladies" that they have to come out and see the Regatta because the junior division has never finished first in this race. Well, then, what the hell was the senator bragging about? Will also says "y'all" here, which probably happened when the writer thought the place was set in Raleigh and not Rawley. It happens. I understand. Will starts bragging about Scout's dad to Mamawhore and mentions that he got to drive his Mercedes. "In the parking lot." Mamawhore starts sweating at the mention of older men and luxury cars. She flips Will's strands and announces that he could use a haircut. "In the bowl, mister," she says. Will walks over to the sink, but for some reason we just stay on a close-up of Mamawhore for a while as she licks her lips. As she starts preparing him for the shampoo, she says that his dad was cleaning out the attic the other day and they found a bunch of his old trophies, books, and journals. "Thought you'd might want to take a look at 'em." He's only gone for the summer, woman. Don't rent out his room yet, okay? Will ruins everything with, "I'm surprised he didn't burn them and then blame it on me like he does everything else." I hate Will. "Will," Mamawhore says. "Stop sticking up for him," Will brats. "I'm not," Mamawhore says, because she wasn't. She only said Will's name. Mamawhore reminds Will that his dad doesn't have the opportunities Will does. "And that's my fault?" Will laughs. Oh, Will. How quickly you've become one of them. Liv Tynot was so right. Mamawhore says that his dad doesn't know how to have a conversation with him. "They're called words, Mom," Will says as he leans back and lets his mother wash his hair and then chew up his lunch and regurgitate it back into his mouth. She strokes his neck so he swallows and reminds him that he's the most special-est boy on the whole planet, and everyone loves him and he's a big strong writer with deep thoughts.