Are we all through gagging at the title of the episode? No, I'm not either. I'll give you a few more minutes. Cinderbella. Ugh.
Baltimore Sun called Young Americans "Another Dawson's Creek in the making." You guys keep trying, Baltimore Sun. I'm sure you love your town and all, but if you knew what was best for your chamber of commerce, you'd declare this show dead to you.
Previously: Bella meets Paige. Scout tells Bella that he likes Paige and wants to date her, so he and Bella can still be friends. Bella cries. Lena from Los Angeles tells Terri that she thinks she's hot. They kiss, and Terri tells her that she's in love with someone else. Will gets all preachy about Finn kissing Mamaverve. Finn squints and calls Will "a big person." They hug the hug of NAMBLA.
Close up on the banner for the "Rawley Academy Summer Cotillion." It's on Friday at eight, just in case you guys want to get gussied up. Pan down to lacrosse and soccer players. Will's walking, so we have to hear his voice-over: "Rawley Academy. I still can't believe I'm here." Wait, isn't this how he's started the last three episodes? Let me check...
Episode One: "New Rawley. For me, it's home." Blah, blah, blah. "For those who attend, the future can be, well, [laughs] anything. And now, maybe for me, too."
Episode Two: He babbles about not getting his school life and his Townie life in order. I'll spare you the quote.
Episode Three: "Maybe it's because I'm young. Maybe because it's summer. Maybe it's because I'm here at Rawley. But there are some days when you feel so lucky just to be...where you are...when you are...and who you are. And you can't help wondering if everyone else feels as lucky as you do." Oh, yeah. There it is. Just last week. Okay. You've finished your first month here at Rawley, Will. It's almost over. Get over yourself. You totally cheated to get in that damn place anyway, and there's not one test score or grade to show for it. ["Plus you ripped that line off of the 'Self-Esteem' episode of My So-Called Life." -- Sars]
Okay, back to Will. "This setting. These people. This world where dreams really do come true. A place where a guy from the wrong side of the tracks lives the life of a prince. What else could I hope for?" And cue the poor man's Liv Tyler. She walks by in slow motion and Will stares. She looks distant and he smiles. She is in wind. He isn't. "What else could I hope for?" Will blinks, blinks. "A princess, naturally." I vomit again, and worry about my stomach.
Ye Olde Gas Pumpe. Bella is on the phone, working on a car from 1973. I'd like to think that someone was listening to our complaints, but I know that they're just trying to make her look ultra-Townie in this episode, so they've smudged grease all over her. She still doesn't pull back her hair into a ponytail, and I think might be terribly dangerous to have all of that hair falling into the hoods of cars, but who's asking me anything, really? She gets off the phone and finds Sean stalking in the background. She laughs and says hello. "Don't you look great in monkey grease?" he asks, since we've never seen her dirty before. She pushes him and says, "Yeah, I bet you say that to all the girls." The good news is there are only fifty clichés left in the world, so at least our torture will eventually end. Sean asks where Bella's dad is. She tells him he's in Boston renewing their business license. He makes some leering joke about "clipping [his] fanbelt so [they] have to spend time together." He then offers lunch instead, which he has brought. She licks her lips and stuff. "You have no idea how hungry I am," she says. "Yeah, me too," Sean says, and leans down to look at her crotch. Bella doesn't notice, because she's watching Scout and Paige at the Friendly's. Scout's getting a little Froggy's-gone-a-courtin', if you know what I'm sayin'. Sorry. This show makes me dumb. Sean asks if "he's" working today. Bella gets all obvious and says, "What?" "Scout." She says she's not sure. Sean asks if she's into Scout, because if she is then he'll "back off." The mood almost ruins the deliberate placing of the cool, refreshing bottles of Coca-Cola. "Actually, I won't," he says, "but I need to know what battles lie ahead." He fingers the cap of his Coca-Cola. She says there are no battles. "I talked to Scout yesterday and...things are really complicated, but...it's gonna be fine." Well, that's got to be reassuring for Sean. Smile. Smile. Lick lip. Head flick. Smile.
Okay. Whatever. The remaining "kids" of Rawley are sitting on the Dog Lawn while Verve reads from a book. Finn walks around them. Scout's head is practically nuzzled in Paige's breasts. Gregor Ryder is nowhere to be seen, by the way. Co-ed English class? What the hell ever. If these kids are supposed to be fifteen, they'd be making moats between the schools to keep these kids away. And why isn't Finn stopping this nasty-ass PDA? Okay, here's another. Lena, the LA girl, is sitting there too. Now, just last episode she said she was leaving and wouldn't be back until the fall -- what is she doing here? Paige pulls Scout from her nipple and says, "Scout. I have one word for you. 'Cotillion.'" I have a word for Paige: "Bra." Scout asks Paige to the cotillion. Okay, there are only six kids in this class, and two are just gabbing away on the lawn about dates and stuff. This school is the easiest school in the world. No wonder Will can't believe he's there every week. I can't believe I'm watching this every week. More like Sprawley Academy. And Paige responds to Scout's question with an eye-roll and "Never accept a date for Friday on a Thursday afternoon." Whatever. Who talks like this? ["Girls who have memorized The Rules." -- Sars] Liv Tynot comes running in, pushes a branch, and apologizes to Finn for being late. She sits down to Will. Verve finishes his reading selection with "Love is the best. The end." Are there any poems that end with "The End?" Finn asks what this poem means to anyone. He asks Scout if he likes the co-ed classes. "Uh-huh," he says from his mouthful of flesh. Terri laughs at him, because he's an idiot. Finn stops the laughter by asking Terri if she's had a crush lately. Verve looks at her and smiles. She looks at Verve. "Maybe." "Okay, well, what poem..." and then Finn stops to "think" for a second before he says, "No, what song makes you feel?" Oh, come on. You know they wanted to bust out with "You Make Me Feel (Like A Natural Woman)" or "Dude Looks Like a Lady" or "Maneater," but instead Terri tells him Macy Gray's "I Try." Finn asks her to recite some of the lyrics. "I keep my cool. But I'm fainding." I don't know what a fainding is. Or is that a name? Does Terri think that Fainding means "dressing like a boy"? How can you accidentally put an "n" in "Fading?" Will looks at Terri like he suddenly knows everything as Liv Tynot lifts her head to keep her new nose job from bleeding. "I try to say goodbye and I choke." Terri takes a moment to purse her lips and really feel. "I try to walk away and I stumble." Pursing. Squinting. Pursing. "Though I try to hide it, it's clear." "My world crumbles when you are not near," Lena finishes. Everyone looks at her. She defends herself by saying it's a good song. Finn then talks to the class like they're six. "Those words comfort us, because we personalize them." Will looks at Liv Tynot and wishes he could personalize her. Finn babbles on about personalizing Browning. I guess they brought the co-eds in because they were finally talking about a female writer. Thanks, guys. We so appreciate your non-class accepting our ovaries. Will, of course, is the only one who gets to respond to the open question, and has to do it in a way that we're supposed to interpret as "genius." "Um, maybe what Browning is saying is that, even the strongest armies and empires can be wiped out. No one can stop people from falling in love." He says it looking right at Liv Tynot. Finn walks overhead and says, "Spoken like a hopeless romantic." Well, he got it half right, anyway. Will looks down and gives his penis a head-nod. Scout looks over at Will with adoration. Terri looks straight into Verve's eyes and smiles. Verve bites the inside of his cheek to make himself look sexier. Will looks off, licks his lips and looks away, rocking quietly.
Thank God for opening credits. Then I at least get some flesh. Where's the damn flesh? I want some skin at this damn prom, I tell you. There's a reason we say "off like a prom dress," okay?
Coke commercial. Coke commercial.
Liv Tynot kisses a boy in Dog Park. From far away, Will watches all creepy-like. Scout comes running up, as he can't be separated from Will for more than fifteen minutes. He follows his gaze and says, "Huh. Caroline Bus, you like?" Dude. She's not an appeteaser. Will asks who her guy is. "Aw, Josh Carson, went to Deerbrook with me. He used to, he used to wet the bed." Very seriously, and in a strange tone Will goes, "Probably still does." Wait, wet the bed? Like with her? I...I don't want to think about why Will got all morose on that line. Scout laughs it off anyway as Will blinks and swallows.
Verve knocks Terri in the elbow with an oar. They share a laughing moment. "So, are you renting or do you own?" Terri asks. Verve, who is just as confused as I am by that question from nowhere, says, "Neither. I'm still mooching off the parentals." She laughs and says she meant his tuxedo. He says he's going to do the "dinner jacket thing." He says he'll be like "Bogey in Casablanca." He asks Terri what she's wearing. She says if she goes at all it'll be like a "drop-by solo thing." Verve looks down and says, "Yeah, me too." Pause. "Could be fun," Terri says. "Yeah, lots of chicks in taffeta." Oh, that is so Smurfy. They laugh for a few minutes. Terri pouts her lips and says, "Um, why don't we just...go solo together?" Verve blinks, licks his lip and says, "Yeah, okay." "So, it's a date," Terri exhales. Verve looks down and nods. Cue the Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love. They slap hands and point as Terri walks off. Verve holds on to his oar and watches her walk away.
Will sits under a tree. "So, how rich is she? I mean, compared to your family." Scout says that compared to his family she's very rich, but compared to the "Gates family" she's not that well off. Bwa-ha-ha. Rich boy humor. "And he sighs with relief," Will says. I hate that he's always narrating himself in the third person. Scout says that he used to see her at her place in St. Bart's. "She had the most amazing tiny-weenie baby-blue string bikini..." "Wow," Will says, as I don't know how else you respond to some other guy making gestures with his hands about how much skin he's seen on the girl you're craving. Scout, thinking he's God's gift to ideas, goes, "Hey! Why don't you ask her to the cotillion?" Will says that she's out of his league. Scout starts laughing and says he knew Will would be too scared. Oh, man. The Chicken Tactic? We're reduced to the Chicken Tactic? Will's all, "I'm not scared, man." Scout says that Will is scared of girls. Will says that he's been on dates before. "I've dated a ton." "Yeah, okay, Will." "You don't think I can do it? What, you don't believe me? I can do it. In fact, I'm gonna do it right now." "Whatever you say." Will walks off and Scout picks up his schoolbook, lifting it high enough so that we can see he just finished the lab in chapter one of Introduction to Psychology. That sounds like I made it up. I didn't. He's all reading the Introduction to Psychology and laughing about how fucking proud of himself he is. I'll never get those three minutes of my life back, people.
Three kids sit around Liv Tynot. As Will comes running up the path, they all walk off, leaving her sitting on some steps. Clearly, the director told her, "Just look in your bag for something until he sits down." "Should I pull something out?" "No. Just start talking to him when he gets there. No one will notice that you never really needed anything in there anyway. We call it 'business.' Now put on this dress and wear your hair like this. You look even Liv-ier that way." She follows her orders and stops looking through the bag the second Will sits down. Behind her, the lamest game of Hackey-Sack is in progress. Two guys in striped shirts are trying to kick past "three." It's not working. Will introduces himself. She offers her name, but he says he already knows it. "So, you seen those banners around school?" If there are any young boys out there reading this, please don't take any pick-up advice from this show. "You like movies?" and "You seen those banners around school?" make you sound retarded. Liv Tynot says that the banners are "kinda hard to miss." Her sibilant "s" spits saliva into my eye. He asks if she was planning on going. From behind a giant leaf she says that she was, and that she's going "with Josh Carson." Will says that he knows who he is, too. Liv Tynot asks if Will went to Deerbrook as well. Will says no, but that Josh's "reputation precedes him." Instead of asking what that means, Liv Tynot just laughs until someone calls her name from far away. "That's me," she says, which may be this episode's dumbest line award, and gets up. The Hackey-Sack makes it all the way to two kicks. She says it was nice meeting him and walks off. They linger on a hand-holding. She didn't even thank him for asking her. I don't like her. Will looks "wounded."
Bella walks into the darkened, empty Friendly's. "My kingdom for a coffee!" she laughs. I start to nod off. Will says that the prices on coffee just went "from a kingdom to a buck." They then take ten more lines to have Will say that he has a question for her. He tells her about the cotillion and how he wanted to go with Liv Tynot, but she already has a date. Bella tells him to go with someone else and then ask Liv to dance. Once she's "putty in [his] arms" then he should ask her out. Bella is covered in grease smudges. He asks who he should take to the dance. Bella says, "Um, I don't know, I'd usually say Scout, but he's going with..." "You!" Will shouts. Bella snorts and says, "No, Paige." Will says that he meant he could go to the dance with her. Bella says, "No, no, no. No way, Will." Will asks why not. She says she doesn't go to Rawley. "So what? Who cares?" He says that they were invited. She says that she doesn't want to be invited and that they used to hate those people, so why would she want to be stuck around all of these "snobby, stuck-up, bitchy girls" who say to her, "You look really familiar" and she's all, "Yeah, I probably gave you a lube job yesterday, it's nice to meet you." I'm not really even paraphrasing there. I'm just saving you a bit of time because they stutter more. Will reminds her that she'll be there with him. "So will Scout, so will Paige." Check this. Then he goes, "With the right dress. A little soap and water. Your hair in one of those thingies. Come on, you'd be so hot." What an asshole. First of all, Bella would never in her life have been told that she could be pretty if she tried. Second, what an asshole thing to say. Will walks off to try and keep the one customer that just walked in this week. Bella looks into the sugar container and furiously tries to rub the grease off her nose. Will catches her and walks back. He emerges from shadows and says, "Two Townies, in the night, amidst a sea of privilege." Bella: "Will." Will: "Me and you, twirling the night away." Bella: "With four left feet." He says that they should go and show everyone how to have a good time. She says that their idea of a good time is warm beer, easy chairs, and cold pizza because they're just dumb Townies. Will asks her to do it as a favor to him. Smirk. Exhale. Look down and pout. "Well, there is this, um, this one dress," Bella says. Will gets on his knees and asks Bella to the cotillion. She says yes. There's no grease on her when she says yes in her close-up, by the way. He leaves, and she gets depressed again.
Deep breath, we just hit commercial.
Creepy teacher alert. Will sits in a chair thumbing through the phone book. Finn leans in and says, "Ah, a classic." Will, always the first one to get a joke, says, "Not really." He says that he's looking for a tux that he needs in like, a couple of hours. Good going, Will. He asks if Finn has any ideas. Finn takes this moment to get ultra-creepy and squinty and smiley and says, "I might."
Cue the Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love. Oh, I just realized why they kept LA girl on for another episode. They need the Sherilyn Fenn character from Just One of the Guys. She runs up to Verve and asks who he's going to the dance with. He says he's not going with anyone. She asks why he's not going with Terri. He asks why he would do such a thing. She says that she was going to ask Terri, but she "doesn't seem interested in either of us." "What are you talking about?" LA Girl says that since she doesn't have a date she was wondering if he'd like to go with her instead. Terri walks up at that moment and listens to the two of them make plans to go to the dance. When is class? Seriously. LA Girl walks off, and Verve says that she was going alone, so he decided to go with her. He asks if Terri is going with anyone. She says that no, she's going to skip it. "And besides, the only person I had my eye on is going with someone else, so..." Verve gives Terri a deep glare. Verve holds up his history book and says, "History," over the incredibly loud Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love. They smile at each other and Verve walks off. Terri turns to him and bites her lip.
More Creepiness Than We Can Handle. Will stands in Finn's room (I'm guessing) wearing socks, boxer shorts, a black t-shirt and a jacket. Finn stands behind him and looks on approvingly. "A shoeless Cary Grant," Finn says. Will laughs and says, "I was thinking more of like a gunless James Bond." Funny, I was thinking more like a "hairless Don Johnson." Finn looks down and blushes as Will tells him how much he appreciates the suit. He asks Finn if he thinks he'll "ever actually own [a tux]." Finn licks his lips and says, "Yeah, I do." I get the shivers. Finn holds up the pants and tells Will he's going to need them. Man, this is fucking weird. They both stare at the pants for a few minutes and laugh.
A girl paints her toenails. Bella finishes with a car and walks over to her. She says that she'll cover her shift tonight if she promises to be back by midnight (oh, the Cinderbella shit here is so stupid) to be there when the gas shipment arrives. Toenail girl is Bella's little sister Grace. Grace asks how Bella could have plans. Bella says that she's going to the cotillion with Will. Grace asks how Sean feels about that. Bella says that Sean "doesn't care about cotillions" and that her and Will are friends. She asks if Grace will cover for her. Grace gives a half-hearted yes. "Grace, can't you act like my sister for just once?" Uh, she is. I guess whoever wrote this never had a little sister. Grace gives her the "Gah, I said 'YES'!" as another car pulls up.
It's Mamawhore. She tells Bella that Will told her about the cotillion. "I'm just standing in for the girl of his dreams," she smiles. "Baby, you'll be the prettiest thing there," Mamawhore smiles. Bella laughs and says she'll be the one in the burlap sack. Excuse me, Bella, but aren't those seventy-dollar jeans you're wearing? "You and Will. Going to a dance," Mamawhore laughs. "I know, can you believe it?" Mamawhore asks if Bella needs a dress. "I've got this cute little red number, it's off the shoulder..." Bella gives Mamawhore the "we call you Mamawhore for a reason" look, and Mamawhore shuts up. She says to let her know if she needs anything as she slips Bella some money.
All of this changing going on, but no flesh. Will is finishing up the tux as Scout walks in from his shower. They are both rather dressed. "Will's gonna score after all!" Scout shouts. I'll leave that alone. Will asks Scout to help him tie the bowtie. Scout mouth-breathes for a second and then stands up in his half-dressed state and starts dressing Will. Will asks if he's going to make "a complete ass" out of himself. Scout says that it's an old-fashioned dance, with a few more rules and nicer clothes, but that's it. Will asks for a rundown. Scout starts mouthing off a list of rules when introducing your date, but I don't think anyone has done this since 1956, so I'm just going to skip it. Will gets confused with the rule about introducing an old person to a date and says that he's not going to even think about that stuff either. Scout says, "So, um, Bella's going to be there." Will asks if that's going to be a problem. Scout says that he's going with Paige. "You think she's gonna want me bad?" Will asks. "That's my sister you're talking about," Scout scolds. Will says he meant Liv Tynot. Har-har-har. "Just put a sock on the door," Scout says. Whee!
Bella busts into Grace's room and starts going through her closet. She asks where her white dress is. She says the dance is in an hour. And she's just getting ready? Whatever. She finds the dress crumpled in a ball in the closet. "Where'd you wear this, to a tractor pull?" She says the dress stinks of beer. How old is Grace, thirteen? There are bigger problems than your wrinkly dress, Bella. Check that girl into rehab. Seriously. Bella throws down the dress in a tantrum and shouts, "Do you, like, live to screw me?" Grace isn't phased by her bratty sister, as I'm sure she's just as sick of her as the rest of us are. I kinda feel bad for Grace, really. Bella finds some old shoes in the closet and asks Grace where she got them. She says they're their mom's wedding shoes and she found them in the attic. She tells Bella that she can have them, since they don't fit her, and goes to answer the door. "The dress," Bella says to the air, and storms off.
In the attic, Bella pulls an old white gown (to the twinkling background music) and walks over to the mirror. We hear Grace let in Mamawhore, who instantly teleports into the attic. She brought Bella her grandmother's pearls. Bella thanks her and they both turn toward the mirror. "You know who you look like?" Mamawhore asks. "Yeah. I look like my mom," Bella says. I fall asleep.
Coke commercial.
I don't understand this cotillion. So, it's held in this big mansion thing, and you have to dress like you're going to see Baby and Johnny do the meringue, but you can completely have your tongue down someone's throat by the punchbowl. Swing music. Wait! Did I just see an interracial couple dancing? Good Lord! Amazing! Everyone is really too close to swing dance, so they're just swaying around and kissing. It looks like they are all in uniform, with all of the white and small black bowties. It's like the help is kicking back in the back room. The music changes, the lights get a little bluer, and Scout watches Will and Bella walk in slow motion into the house. Everything turns to slow motion as people dance in slow motion, Bella blinks in slow motion, people turn to stare at her in slow-motion. Paige is either not in slow motion, or flips her head and stink-eye from Scout to Bella so quickly that the film couldn't possibly slow it down. Bella sticks her tongue to the roof of her mouth and whispers, "They're all naked." Will asks what she's talking about. She says it's a cure for stage fright. Back to slow motion. For some reason, Paige and Scout have to look upwards in different close-ups to see Bella. Scout asks Paige to dance again. She agrees. Scout gives one more backward glance to Bella. Bella and Will are still in slow motion.
Terri's in her tiny black bra in her sad blue light, crying on her bed. When I'm sad, I like to wear my little black bra and cry, too. My breasts heave better when I'm on my back. She gets up and pulls her tux out of the dry cleaning bag. She's still standing in front of the open window in her underwear, by the way.
I guess Scout and Paige decided not to dance after all, and Scout pulls Paige over to Will and Bella. Paige says that Bella looks "fabulous." "Oh, huh, so do you," Bella says. She looks at Scout. Scout's eyes freak out from not knowing where to blink and sort of jut around in his head for a second. Then Bella's eyes jut around, but clearly say, "You can't just drool over your sister in front of your girlfriend, you idiot." Will's eyes jut around as he nods. Paige asks if they want to join them on the terrace. Bella says that she and Will are on a mission for Liv Tynot. Paige and Scout walk off. Will looks up and sees Liv with some other blonde, breaking the dress code by wearing a halter-top dress. "She's really um..." Bella starts with a smile. "Something," Will finishes, before Bella can get out, "Skanky." "Yeah," she ends up having to agree. She asks him if he wants to dance. He says he would. She says then he should go over and ask her to dance. After a brief argument, Will slowly walks over to Liv. And of course, right as he gets to her, her boyfriend twirls in and starts dancing with her. Will turns back around and sees that Bella is talking to a boy. He walks off, all dejected, ready to write another poem and cry on Finn's beefy shoulders.
"So, do you go to Rawley Academy for Girls?" The pick-up lines! Dreadful! Bella says that she doesn't. The boy asks who she came to the dance with. She tells him Will. "Oh," he says, which comes out like, "I have nothing to worry about, then" and asks if Will would mind if they danced. Bella turns and sees Scout snuggling with Paige. She turns back, smiles, and says, "Maybe later." He agrees and walks off. Bella couldn't dance anyway, what with both of her hands bound by tulle. Close-up on Scout staring at Bella while he dances. She stares back. He looks down at Paige's cleavage. Bella pouts, blinks, pouts, and walks away.
Will walks into a darkened room. He turns on the lights. It's a pool table. He smiles, but I don't know why.
Terri busts in as some strip-tease swing starts playing. She's wearing the tux uniform. She sees Verve and LA Girl walk in across the room at the same time. The one African-American man allowed on Young Americans walks over and shakes Terri's hand.
"Yeah, he's cute," LA Girl says to Verve. "What?" he asks. "Jake. I-got-a-crush-on-him cute. Hell, I'm a fifteen-year-old girl, I got a crush on you. Look at you, you're gorgeous. You both are." Verve and Terri share a smile from across the room. "You're also in love with each other," she says to Verve. "It's like, so obvious." Verve stammers out that they are so "not" and asks her to stop saying things like that. "I had this freshman-girl fantasy that I would somehow end up with one of you, but it's crystal clear that that's not going to happen." You aren't fifteen at the beginning of your freshman year, girlie. Verve says he doesn't know why he agreed to go to the dance with her, but he and Terri are still locking stares. LA Girl tells him to "stop thinking." She rounds out the final unused clichés for Young Americans by saying, "Throw caution to the wind" and "Take the leap while you're still young." She gets the last one in with, "It's time to follow your heart." And that, my friends, is the death of this script. She tries to save it by wiggling her hands and saying that she knows it's "so cliché," but it's too late. She tells Verve to go be with Terri and that she'll be over by the punchbowl. "There's some guy that's been giving me the hairy eyeball all night." I don't think you want to mess with that, but whatever. ["And who wrote that line, my dad?" -- Sars] Now, if this is going to follow true Just One of the Guys form, LA Girl will end up with Will. We'll see. Verve looks around and looks at Terri. Terri is pouting her lips and looking back. So much posturing. Verve walks out of the room. Terri points into her tall black friend's chest a few times and says she'll see him later.
Will pulls the triangle off the table as he finishes racking up a game for himself. A group of people walks by the doorway. One of whom is Liv Tynot, who stares at him for a second. Will chalks his stick and the stand-in breaks. Will looks satisfied. "Nice break," Liv Tynot says from the doorway. Will smiles and thanks her. "You're good," she smiles. How does she know that from one break? He says he's average. "And humble!" she breaks into this little-girl voice and giggles. She asks what he's doing in there all alone. Playing pool. "Crowds kinda get to me," he says, because Will's as deep as Lake Homoerotica. She says that she was doing her poetry assignment and said that she found out that Florence was one of Browning's favorite places to write. "It's certainly one of mine," she says, like that's supposed to make her fascinating. "After St. Bart's?" Will asks. "How did you know that?" Liv Tynot breathes. She's a very breathy speaker. I hate it. "Which pocket?" he asks her. She points to the corner. "Dat one!" she babies. The stand-in makes a very easy shot with the 13. Will smirks and Liv tells him "nice shot." She walks into the darkness as Will mouths, "Wow." OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO BORING.
Bella stands in a doorway looking at the stars. Scout walks up and says, "A gentleman never lets a lady go unescorted at a cotillion." Great -- you might want to fuck her right there so she never goes unpregnant at her school, either. Hit her over the head and drag her away by the hair and start making little hemophiliacs, okay? Scout asks where her date is. Bella says he's hopefully asking some other girl to dance. Bella laughs at herself. Scout isn't laughing as he says, "You look beautiful." Smirk. "I fix up okay," Bella says, like she's suddenly got this image problem. "That's the understatement of the year," Scout says. Damn. I forgot a cliché. You win, Young Americans. You win. "So, maybe later you'll save a dance for your sister?" Bella asks. Ih. Ew. Ih. Bella says if Paige doesn't mind. Close-up stare. Close-up stare. Close-up stargazing. Lip licking. "So, is this what it's like?" Bella asks. "What?" Bella snorts and says, "Is this what it's like to be you?" Scout says that this isn't him. "No, no, no, it's so different," Bella spits. "It's like, it's like it's not even real." Scout, always the smooth talker, goes, "Well, that's because you don't fit in." "What?" Bella asks. Scout says that it's a compliment and that all the guys at the dance are talking about her. Oh, well, that's okay then. "It's my mom's dress," Bella says, and I can't help wondering if her mom was wearing that dress when Scout's dad pushed it aside to give her the Rawley Battle Cry. Scout starts with, "Bella, do you ever pretend..." "Scout," Bella interrupts. "Do you ever pretend that it's not true about us?" Close-up. Close-up. Close-up. "How 'bout that dance?" "Okay." They stand real close and dance. "Bella," he whispers. They almost kiss. "Yeah?" "We're gonna be okay," he whispers. Almost kissing... "Scout!" Paige yells. She stands outside and looks back and forth between the guilty Rawley Sibs. Everyone is quiet and agape until Paige says to Bella, "You're blushing." Bella swallows, starts to cry, and says she has to go. Bella runs off. Scout looks back at Paige. Paige looks down. I start to come out of my nap.
"So, is your boyfriend going to be looking for you?" Will and Liv are now playing a game of pool. Blue chalk always goes best with a white gown, I find. "Josh? He's not my boyfriend. He's my friend." Liv almost scratches, but they cut away before she does. Song of Relief (for Piano) begins playing as Liv asks where Will's date is. He says she's just a friend, too. "So, where you from?" she asks. "Planet Earth," Will says. Liv laughs. "I know what you mean. I lived on three continents before I was twelve." Wow, she's pale. I turn over and go back to sleep. She asks him how he learned "so much poetry." "The Universe is a dictionary of information." Oh, God. She asks if she knows him from St. Bart's. We see her actually hit the ball this time, and it hits the wall and then stops. There was no shot in her shot. "I'm seeing a tiny baby-blue bikini," he smiles. She laughs. "You'd better tell me or I'm gonna --" "What?" Will asks while bending over the table. "Do something naughty to you," she smiles. Give me a fucking break. Will blinks. She licks her lips. She starts asking places where she might have known him. He says no until she just assumes where he went to school. She says she understands, and that she doesn't "like to brag about it either." Will walks over to say something, but she stops and asks if he'll be honest with her. She asks if he was going to ask her to the cotillion yesterday. "Yeah," he says. "I was hoping you were," she whispers. Lip lick. "Hey, will you dance with me?" They smile.
Random shots of the dance. Bella walks through the crowd, still upset. She sees a harlot who dares to wear pink at an all-white dance. One boy has his arm around her and she's feeling the chest of another. Oh, it's her sister Grace. She runs up and asks what she's doing there. "Knitting a sweater, what does it look like I'm doing?" Wait, she's like, thirteen, right? Damn. These kids are destined to be pregnant by sixteen. Bella says that Grace was supposed to be waiting for the gas delivery. Grace says it's not until midnight and to "chill out." Bella checks arm-dude's watch and says, "Well, that's great, Grace, because you have a whole six minutes." Grace is amazed, and checks the watch herself. Oh, six minutes until midnight, Sinderbella. Hurry back before your brother turns into a titmouse. Grace says she'll call them and reschedule. Bella explains that it'll take days to get the gas delivered later and that they can't afford that. So, their dad left a fifteen-year-old and a thirteen-year-old home alone to run the gas station? Child Protective Services were a lot more lax in 1962, I guess. Bella storms off as Grace tells her boys, "She's so uptight."
This show never ends.
Will and Liv dance in the barely-a-light. "Can I tell you something?" he asks her. "Yes." "I wanted to talk to you from the second that I saw you." She says, "And you thought, 'If I could just talk to that girl, then everything in my life would work out.'" Will says it was something like that. "Well, we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?" Bella storms near them. Will introduces Bella to Liv. Bella says that there's a problem with the gas station and that she has to go. Will stammers to Liv that Bella's dad's "in oil." Bella gives Will a death-glare. She says that they're just friends, so the two of them should stay and have fun. She runs off. Will stops her and says he's coming with her. He turns back around to Liv and exhales. "Go," she says to him. He says he'll call her tomorrow. "Yes, call me tomorrow. Tomorrow. Call me." Will runs after Bella. She looks down and sees that he's dropped his wallet. She opens it up and reads about his Townie Shame.
Terri is walking around the inside of the cotillion. She spots Verve by himself and smiles. He looks awkwardly back at her. They approach each other and say, "Hi." Terri says she needs to talk to him. "Me too," Verve says. "Yeah, but not here." They stare at each other for a few seconds. "I'm sorry, I can't do this," Verve whispers and walks away. Terri pouts for a few seconds, and walks the other way. Verve follows her.
Verve walks up to Terri in the bathroom and stands very close. He then walks back and checks the stalls. "What are you doing?" she asks him. "Throwing the caution to the wind," he says, and runs up and kisses her. They kiss for a while. "Oh, my God," Verve says, "That was..." Terri says she knows, but "it's not..." "It is...we're gay!" "No!" Terri shouts. You know, I'm really used to seeing Terri as a boy now. She says she has to tell him something, but he has to promise not to be pissed off at her. "I'm a girl," she says. He's all, "What are you talking about?" and "Jake, stop it!" and she says that she'll prove it to him. As she starts taking off her clothes she says, "I am one hundred percent female, all right? I am obsessed with Sarah McLachlan and I have a subscription to Seventeen, and my favorite nail polish is Barely Pink, and I think I look fat in bikinis..." We hear someone's voice outside so she breaks from him for a second. The disappointing thing here is not only that I don't have any fun with the one plotline that was even slightly interesting, but that Terri has just confessed herself to be one annoying girl. She pulls him into a stall and opens her shirt. "And these are not fake." Black bra. Verve stares her up and down a few times and then walks off. She shuts the stall door and sinks into her arm. I think Verve is just disappointed that Terri just lost a zillion cool points with that little "I enjoy being a girl" speech. What a waste of three and a half episodes.
Coke commercial.
Will rides Bella home on the handlebars of his bike. She's grilling him on Liv. They pull up to the station just as the gas truck takes off. They miss the truck. Will apologizes. Sean walks from behind the station. He says that she looks incredible. She asks what he's doing there. He says he was just hanging out after the game and he knew she was at the dance and "Grace was Grace," and he saw the truck pull up. He hands her the receipt for the gas. Will smiles approvingly. Bella smiles and says, "Where have you been?" "I told you, at the game." He may know how to sign his name, but our boy Sean's not too bright, is he? Bella looks a bit disgusted at how dumb Sean's last line was. "All right, guys, that's my cue," Will says. He says he's got to take the bike back. "Before it turns into a pumpkin?" Bella smiles. SHUT UP. ALL OF YOU. STOP TALKING AND TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES IMMEDIATELY. Will leaves. Sean asks how the dance was. Bella says it was nice, but she never got to actually dance. He says he'll ruin her outfit. "Oh, you didn't care when I was filthy." What? "I wasn't wearing a nice dress." "You never looked better." What does this mean? "Besides, there's no music." She exhales and starts singing The Way You Look Tonight. Well, someone does. She's mouthing it, anyway. They start dancing and giggling.
The swing band picks up as Will walks into his dorm room and finds Liv. She hands him back his wallet. She says she was going to drop it off at his Cedar Street address, but then she thought she'd go to the dorm and ask why he lied. He said he didn't lie. She said he "concealed the truth." That's a good one. I'll have to remember that. He says she was so set on finding a connection he didn't think she'd be interested in him. See, it's her fault. She says that he didn't give her a chance. She says that if he's trying to fit in with all the "phonies around here, then congratulations. [He's] succeeded." She walks off.
Terri is in her underwear again, pacing in her darkened room.
Verve is staring into nothing.
Scout stands at the dance and Paige walks up behind him. They dance, but Scout isn't happy.
Bella is, however, and is nuzzling with Sean.
Paige and Scout dance.
Sean and Bella dance on the empty Main Street.
Terri writes a letter as the song comes to a close. She hears a knocking on her door. She answers it. It's Verve. He storms in, walks back to her at the doorway and says, "If you were a guy, I would punch you." "Well, what's the point?" she asks, ruffling her hair. "See? I'm not." Verve grabs her head and pulls her off the ground into a hungry kiss. I'm embellishing, because I'm just glad to see some kissing, really. They show Verve and Terri kissing through the open window.
Lake Homoerotica. Happy Music. Finn brings up Matthew Arnold's poem Self-Dependence. He asks what Will thinks about the trip he takes across the sea. "Why was he going?" "He was frustrated, right?" Will asks. "About who he was and where he belonged, so he took the trip to understand him better." Liv Tynot looks down. "Was the trip worthwhile?" Finn asks. I wonder if Will and Finn coordinated this before class. I wouldn't doubt it. "Well, sort of. He got the answers from watching the stars, which, he could have done in his own backyard. See, he learned how the stars work by knowing how they fit into the universe." Will looks at Liv. Paige and Scout look at each other. "Trying to be something else, or, comparing themselves to other things." Scout looks distant. Paige looks down. "Like Arnold was doing." Finn smiles. "Like a lot of us do." Liv tries not to look directly at Will. Scout puts his arm muscles up on his knees. Finn turns his face to the golden sun and says, "Like all of us do. Resolve to be thyself and know that he who finds himself loses his misery." I begin plucking my eyelashes just for the rush.
Cheese music and vacuous stares. Must be time for Krudski's Kwip: "Be yourself. What a cliché." Scout and Paige look at each other. What did they learn about each other this episode? I don't get it. "We hear it over and over in literature, fairy tales and songs, but we still don't get it." Will hands a note over to Liv. Terri and Verve walk in and sit down to each other. LA Girl smiles, as she knows they just had gay sex. "It might be because when we dream we don't worry whether the dream is worthy of us, but rather, whether we're worthy of the dream." Liv opens the note. It says, "HI MY NAME IS WILL KRUDSKI AND I'M FROM NEW RAWLEY." Nice punctuation there, Kruddie. He's not done yet, though. "So we lose our identities in order to chase what we want." Will and Liv look at each other. Liv looks down. Close up on Terri and Verve. "But if we can stay proud of who we are and not run from ourselves, then maybe our dreams, like the prince with the glass slipper, will come find us." Paige watches Scout look off into the distance. Fade into Bella and Sean making out on a pier. Thank you, Jesus, for ending this. Thank you. Thank you.
week: It's Parents Weekend. Terri has to wear a dress because Mommy doesn't know she's been pretending to be a boy. I was wrong about thinking it was Sean Young. Damn. Wacky hide-the-boy-in-the-dress antics ensue. Terri's mom says, "Let's talk about sex," and someone drops a glass. Yee-haw! Thems some good writing, right there.