Cinderbella

Okay, back to Will. "This setting. These people. This world where dreams really do come true. A place where a guy from the wrong side of the tracks lives the life of a prince. What else could I hope for?" And cue the poor man's Liv Tyler. She walks by in slow motion and Will stares. She looks distant and he smiles. She is in wind. He isn't. "What else could I hope for?" Will blinks, blinks. "A princess, naturally." I vomit again, and worry about my stomach.

Ye Olde Gas Pumpe. Bella is on the phone, working on a car from 1973. I'd like to think that someone was listening to our complaints, but I know that they're just trying to make her look ultra-Townie in this episode, so they've smudged grease all over her. She still doesn't pull back her hair into a ponytail, and I think might be terribly dangerous to have all of that hair falling into the hoods of cars, but who's asking me anything, really? She gets off the phone and finds Sean stalking in the background. She laughs and says hello. "Don't you look great in monkey grease?" he asks, since we've never seen her dirty before. She pushes him and says, "Yeah, I bet you say that to all the girls." The good news is there are only fifty clichs left in the world, so at least our torture will eventually end. Sean asks where Bella's dad is. She tells him he's in Boston renewing their business license. He makes some leering joke about "clipping [his] fanbelt so [they] have to spend time together." He then offers lunch instead, which he has brought. She licks her lips and stuff. "You have no idea how hungry I am," she says. "Yeah, me too," Sean says, and leans down to look at her crotch. Bella doesn't notice, because she's watching Scout and Paige at the Friendly's. Scout's getting a little Froggy's-gone-a-courtin', if you know what I'm sayin'. Sorry. This show makes me dumb. Sean asks if "he's" working today. Bella gets all obvious and says, "What?" "Scout." She says she's not sure. Sean asks if she's into Scout, because if she is then he'll "back off." The mood almost ruins the deliberate placing of the cool, refreshing bottles of Coca-Cola. "Actually, I won't," he says, "but I need to know what battles lie ahead." He fingers the cap of his Coca-Cola. She says there are no battles. "I talked to Scout yesterday and...things are really complicated, but...it's gonna be fine." Well, that's got to be reassuring for Sean. Smile. Smile. Lick lip. Head flick. Smile.

Okay. Whatever. The remaining "kids" of Rawley are sitting on the Dog Lawn while Verve reads from a book. Finn walks around them. Scout's head is practically nuzzled in Paige's breasts. Gregor Ryder is nowhere to be seen, by the way. Co-ed English class? What the hell ever. If these kids are supposed to be fifteen, they'd be making moats between the schools to keep these kids away. And why isn't Finn stopping this nasty-ass PDA? Okay, here's another. Lena, the LA girl, is sitting there too. Now, just last episode she said she was leaving and wouldn't be back until the fall -- what is she doing here? Paige pulls Scout from her nipple and says, "Scout. I have one word for you. 'Cotillion.'" I have a word for Paige: "Bra." Scout asks Paige to the cotillion. Okay, there are only six kids in this class, and two are just gabbing away on the lawn about dates and stuff. This school is the easiest school in the world. No wonder Will can't believe he's there every week. I can't believe I'm watching this every week. More like Sprawley Academy. And Paige responds to Scout's question with an eye-roll and "Never accept a date for Friday on a Thursday afternoon." Whatever. Who talks like this? ["Girls who have memorized The Rules." -- Sars] Liv Tynot comes running in, pushes a branch, and apologizes to Finn for being late. She sits down to Will. Verve finishes his reading selection with "Love is the best. The end." Are there any poems that end with "The End?" Finn asks what this poem means to anyone. He asks Scout if he likes the co-ed classes. "Uh-huh," he says from his mouthful of flesh. Terri laughs at him, because he's an idiot. Finn stops the laughter by asking Terri if she's had a crush lately. Verve looks at her and smiles. She looks at Verve. "Maybe." "Okay, well, what poem..." and then Finn stops to "think" for a second before he says, "No, what song makes you feel?" Oh, come on. You know they wanted to bust out with "You Make Me Feel (Like A Natural Woman)" or "Dude Looks Like a Lady" or "Maneater," but instead Terri tells him Macy Gray's "I Try." Finn asks her to recite some of the lyrics. "I keep my cool. But I'm fainding." I don't know what a fainding is. Or is that a name? Does Terri think that Fainding means "dressing like a boy"? How can you accidentally put an "n" in "Fading?" Will looks at Terri like he suddenly knows everything as Liv Tynot lifts her head to keep her new nose job from bleeding. "I try to say goodbye and I choke." Terri takes a moment to purse her lips and really feel. "I try to walk away and I stumble." Pursing. Squinting. Pursing. "Though I try to hide it, it's clear." "My world crumbles when you are not near," Lena finishes. Everyone looks at her. She defends herself by saying it's a good song. Finn then talks to the class like they're six. "Those words comfort us, because we personalize them." Will looks at Liv Tynot and wishes he could personalize her. Finn babbles on about personalizing Browning. I guess they brought the co-eds in because they were finally talking about a female writer. Thanks, guys. We so appreciate your non-class accepting our ovaries. Will, of course, is the only one who gets to respond to the open question, and has to do it in a way that we're supposed to interpret as "genius." "Um, maybe what Browning is saying is that, even the strongest armies and empires can be wiped out. No one can stop people from falling in love." He says it looking right at Liv Tynot. Finn walks overhead and says, "Spoken like a hopeless romantic." Well, he got it half right, anyway. Will looks down and gives his penis a head-nod. Scout looks over at Will with adoration. Terri looks straight into Verve's eyes and smiles. Verve bites the inside of his cheek to make himself look sexier. Will looks off, licks his lips and looks away, rocking quietly.

Thank God for opening credits. Then I at least get some flesh. Where's the damn flesh? I want some skin at this damn prom, I tell you. There's a reason we say "off like a prom dress," okay?

Coke commercial. Coke commercial.

Liv Tynot kisses a boy in Dog Park. From far away, Will watches all creepy-like. Scout comes running up, as he can't be separated from Will for more than fifteen minutes. He follows his gaze and says, "Huh. Caroline Bus, you like?" Dude. She's not an appeteaser. Will asks who her guy is. "Aw, Josh Carson, went to Deerbrook with me. He used to, he used to wet the bed." Very seriously, and in a strange tone Will goes, "Probably still does." Wait, wet the bed? Like with her? I...I don't want to think about why Will got all morose on that line. Scout laughs it off anyway as Will blinks and swallows.

Verve knocks Terri in the elbow with an oar. They share a laughing moment. "So, are you renting or do you own?" Terri asks. Verve, who is just as confused as I am by that question from nowhere, says, "Neither. I'm still mooching off the parentals." She laughs and says she meant his tuxedo. He says he's going to do the "dinner jacket thing." He says he'll be like "Bogey in Casablanca." He asks Terri what she's wearing. She says if she goes at all it'll be like a "drop-by solo thing." Verve looks down and says, "Yeah, me too." Pause. "Could be fun," Terri says. "Yeah, lots of chicks in taffeta." Oh, that is so Smurfy. They laugh for a few minutes. Terri pouts her lips and says, "Um, why don't we just...go solo together?" Verve blinks, licks his lip and says, "Yeah, okay." "So, it's a date," Terri exhales. Verve looks down and nods. Cue the Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love. They slap hands and point as Terri walks off. Verve holds on to his oar and watches her walk away.

Will sits under a tree. "So, how rich is she? I mean, compared to your family." Scout says that compared to his family she's very rich, but compared to the "Gates family" she's not that well off. Bwa-ha-ha. Rich boy humor. "And he sighs with relief," Will says. I hate that he's always narrating himself in the third person. Scout says that he used to see her at her place in St. Bart's. "She had the most amazing tiny-weenie baby-blue string bikini..." "Wow," Will says, as I don't know how else you respond to some other guy making gestures with his hands about how much skin he's seen on the girl you're craving. Scout, thinking he's God's gift to ideas, goes, "Hey! Why don't you ask her to the cotillion?" Will says that she's out of his league. Scout starts laughing and says he knew Will would be too scared. Oh, man. The Chicken Tactic? We're reduced to the Chicken Tactic? Will's all, "I'm not scared, man." Scout says that Will is scared of girls. Will says that he's been on dates before. "I've dated a ton." "Yeah, okay, Will." "You don't think I can do it? What, you don't believe me? I can do it. In fact, I'm gonna do it right now." "Whatever you say." Will walks off and Scout picks up his schoolbook, lifting it high enough so that we can see he just finished the lab in chapter one of Introduction to Psychology. That sounds like I made it up. I didn't. He's all reading the Introduction to Psychology and laughing about how fucking proud of himself he is. I'll never get those three minutes of my life back, people.