Are you ready for the show the Baltimore Sun said is filled with "exhilaration and joy"? The fact that the show is filmed in Baltimore has no effect on that review whatsoever, I'm sure.
And just to get it out of the way early: Thank you, Coca-Cola for bringing me a new meaning of "hell" each and every week.
Previously on Young Americans: Rowing. Will and his girlfriend Sean broke up and then made up. Scout started working at the restaurant across from Bella's gas station so that he could leer. (They show the scene where he's leering at Sean flirting with Bella, but they cut it so it looks like he's really upset about it, even though we know he made that face because he put his hand in gum.) The Dueling Saint Clares miss the shit out of Get Real. Sean and Scout got into a brawl at the World's Lamest Party. Terri put on her man clothes and talked to her mom. She and Verve were having uncomfortable non-gay vibes between them, even though they kept declaring all is "cool."
What's that low moaning? Oh, right. It's me. The fifty-five minutes of television may be some of the worst crap I've ever had to sit through. No, really. It's so bad. Bad. Like, burn your television bad. Burn your television and then throw yourself into it just to burn the lasting images from your retinas -- bad.
And it all begins with Will's opening crapspew. He walks through a field of boys playing nondescript sports and delivers this voice-over: "Maybe it's because I'm young. Maybe because it's summer. Maybe it's because I'm here at Rawley. But there are some days when you feel so lucky just to be...where you are...when you are...and who you are. And you can't help wondering if everyone else feels as lucky as you do." No, Will. I don't feel very lucky at all. Maybe it's because I'm home on a Wednesday night watching your show. Maybe it's because I'm missing a party to do this. Maybe it's because this show is like a friggin' train wreck that makes me giggle with delirium. But there are some days when I can't help wondering if everyone else pities me the way that they should. ["I promise, I do." -- Wing Chun]
Lake Homoerotica. As boys fiddle with boats, Bella waves across the water. She is wearing a blue bikini top and black stretch pants. Yikes. Townie fashion. Scout does the required close-up flirty smile that says, "I like sharing her genes." As Bella slowly paddles over to Scout (wait, how is she on campus? She's a Townie), Scout smiles in an extreme close-up again. Suddenly (I'm trying to create dramatic action here, since there is none), a girl on a Wave Runner comes up from behind Bella, making some waves, if you know what I mean. Oh, whatever. Who gets to take a Wave Runner out on this tiny lake with rowing boys? She's the only one who gets one? At her dorm?
Wave Runner chews gum and comes up quickly, as the oblivious Bella is still holding onto the Amish technology of the paddle. Wave Runner skis up to Scout, who is standing with other slack-jawed Rawley boys. As she passes Bella, Bella pouts like a four-year old. Wave Runner greets Scout by name. He says hello back. Her name is Paige. She and Scout know each other. She just transferred to Rawley Academy for Girls. She is twenty-seven years old. Scout introduces Paige and Paige shakes Will's hand. This is just as boring as it sounds. I end up talking to my friend Rose about sex for an hour just to have something to do. As Paige stilts, "Scout, you look great," Bella sad-paddles up beside them. Will and Scout share a look. "Hey, Scout. Hey, Will." "Hi, Bella." "Hi, Bella." "Bella, this is Paige." "Hi." "Hi." Does everyone have everyone's names down now? Great. Let's try for some plot now. Will compliments Paige's Wave Runner. She asks Scout if he'd like to go for a ride. Bella looks down and pouts. Scout looks back and forth for a while and then stammers that Will should get the first ride. Since he wasn't invited on, he asks Paige, "You sure?" She gives a dejected, "Yeah, hop on." Bella smiles through her hair. As Will pushes the Wave Runner back into the water he turns to Scout and asks, "Whose life is this?" This is not my beautiful life. Bella looks at Scout. Scout watches Will and Paige ski off. Will is fully dressed. Like a big dork he gives a "Woo!" right in Paige's ear. Bella looks off all dreamy. So does Scout. "She's a friend of the family," he says to her. "You don't have to say that," she says. "I know." "And I think she likes you," Bella smiles. Scout looks at her. "So, I think you should ask her out," Bella nods. "You don't have to say that," Scout says. "I know," the entire world says in unison. I can never get those minutes back in my life, people.
Opening credits. Smells like teen boy-love.
Coke commercial. Coke commercial.
I'm glad that I can now back up my hatred of Alyssa Milano with proof. Anyone who has ever done a 1-800-COLLECT commercial signed a contract to be despised by anyone with a television.
Overhead shot of the Prep School Without Classes. Some boy with a leather jacket walks down the dorm hallway. He's doing some sort of singing/scat thing. A blonde woman pulls a cigarette from behind his ear. "Welcome back, Gregor," she says. Ooh, I hope he turns into a roach. She says she thought he promised her he was going to quit smoking. "I will, Miss Fleming." Now, if we read everything about Young Americans we could find and didn't just rely on the weekly program we'd know that this woman is Verve's mother. But they really haven't said that, so I'll let you know now. She looks nothing like him, however. She's the wife of the dean. This is important to know now, because, again, they haven't really said this before. That and we've never seen her before. Why am I trying to explain everything? It's a bad show. They forget to explain who these people are.
On with the scene. "How's your husband?" Gregor asks. "Oh, the Dean?" Thanks. She says that he's just fine, but much less understanding about smoking than she is. She tucks his cigarette in her bag. "And Hamilton?" This is Verve. We finally know which of his names is his first name. I don't care. He's still Verve. There are only six episodes left of this thing, anyway. MamaVerve tells Gregor that Verve just started at Rawley this summer. "They grow up so fast, don't they?" Gregor says, and suddenly he has an accent. I just can't tell which kind of accent it is.
Gregor walks down the hallway and wanders into an empty dorm room. Okay, that's Paige and Gregor just transferring into this top-notch Prep School two weeks after classes began? Hmm. "What a dump," he says, with no trace of accent at all. I think he might still be pissed off for getting kicked off Making The Band.
MamaVerve stands at the window of an empty classroom. I think it's a classroom, anyway. There's bad pottery everywhere. There's a quick knock at the door. Finn moves quickly through the shadows over to her. "About the curriculum for poetry class?" he starts. "Right, right. It looks fine." She stops putting shells from a box onto the shelf: "Missing some estrogen, perhaps." Perhaps? "Does Shelley count?" Finn asks. Asshole. They look at each other and smile. "Mmm," Finn says. "Remember this song?" Whoa. It creeps me out when they can suddenly hear the loud background music that accompanies every single scene. "No," MamaVerve says. "Yeah, you do," Finn smiles while standing very close to her. "No, I don't," she says. "You, me, boathouse..." MamaVerve says, "You mean 'You and I in the boathouse.'" Good English teacher you guys hired, there. Finn looks down and gets all faux stern. "Don't correct my grammar," he says, then looks up at her, puts his hand on her tummy, and adds, "and I won't tell you who the father of Kewpie Dolls." "Take tens of us," she replies. Look, I rewound and listened six times, and that's all I could make out from under that crazy-loud Bryan Adams wannabe wailing in the background. And talking about Kewpie Dolls over a Bryan Adams wannabe is just the saddest thing ever. Ooh, I just rewound again and heard her say, "Don't do this." He still said, "Kewpie Dolls," though. Anyway, he pulls her closer, says, "Okay," and proceeds to kiss her. They make out for a long time as the piano gets all staccato on us, forcing my ears to bleed. Nice curriculum at this school. Maybe Will could minor in Grab Ass. Speaking of, an open door to a classroom filled with wrongful lust means Will's got to walk right in and ruin everything. Will stops at the door and watches them grope and tongue each other. As he turns back to walk away, he's stopped by Gregor's embrace. They pull an Ally McBeal and rip the music right off as Gregor starts speaking with his semi-accent. "And dat would beeee, introduction to grabbin' da deeeeeen's wife's ahhhhhhss." Hey, that's my line!
Will pulls away from Gregor's love and tells him, "If I were you I'd pretend I never saw that." "Why?" Gregor asks. "It's the summah session. Bikinis, mahhtinis and Lamborginis." I quickly check the MBTV forum to see if you guys hate this kid as much as I do. Funny, you're calling him Ryder. Why doesn't anyone on this show have a name that I can either hear, understand, or is given? I'm still calling him Gregor until I hear the word "Ryder" come out of someone's mouth. Gregor asks if he should knock on the door. Will says no. Gregor drums on the door. Inside, the Bryan Adams Lite goes back into his caterwauling. Finn and MamaVerve break apart. She asks Finn who's at the door. How's he supposed to know? Gregor runs off. So does Will. MamaVerve walks off with a smile. Finn looks down and shakes his head. I should have listened to my mother. She warned me, and now it's happened. My face is permanently stuck in a shit-smelling sneer.
And not a moment too soon. Continuing their tradition of stealing every scene from Dead Poets Society episode by episode, Finn teleports to a dock, where all of the boys are sitting around him as he quotes Thoreau: "I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately..." Oh, you know the rest. Finn just butchers the hell out of it, all sitting in the rain and shit like a moron. He asks the boys what they know about Thoreau. Someone offers that he lived all by himself in the woods. Finn says that Thoreau was inspired by the setting just like where they are in Rawley, and now they are doing just what he did. He asks what Thoreau must have wanted from the experience. Because Will is the only student allowed to answer a question correctly, he offers that perhaps Thoreau was trying to be an individualist. This causes a wee cock of the head by Finn, who is so in love with Will that the stubble on his chin quivers. But Will's not done. "To...find himself by stepping away from society and all the institutions." Check out Gregor's response: "Wike, maybe the institootshun ov mawwige." Mawwige. Mawwige is wot bwings us togevah today. Gregor asks if Thoreau was hot for Emerson's wife. Will gives a worried look. Gregor goes on about getting lonely and having "extwa-cuwiculah activities" in the woods. Will says that isn't possible, because Emerson was Thoreau's mentor. Uh-huh. Finn says that it's also hard to "get things going" when you have a woman in your non-heated log cabin "for a wild weekend." So lame, this show. So lame. Finn concludes that Thoreau lived alone. "Let's face it. The life of a philosopher-poet is a pretty solitary kick." Will continues to look like all of Finn's words are really hitting home with him. Gregor smirks. Finn looks into the rain (doesn't drown, though) and assigns Civil Disobedience for homework. Homework? Was this a class? In the rain? In a boat?
Ye Olde Gas Pumpe. Paige pulls up in her Beemer. Bella walks over to her. "I don't know what just happened," Paige says while getting out of her car. Bella says it sounds like Paige's "cable snapped." She holds a spotless red rag. Now, my boyfriend works on his car every once in a while, and I know that the red rag of motor-care is not only coveted by mechanics, but is more loved the dirtier it is. He's got like, three of these things in his tool kit, and they stink so bad that you cannot go near the open box. They smell like feet dipped in oil. Bella hasn't actually touched a car her entire life.
MALE FANTASY ALERT. Bella and Paige are lying underneath the car. Perky Breasts in blue tell Perky Breasts On Their Side that they are okay for now, but "the hook is definitely tweaked so [they'll] have to get it fixed at some point." "You saved my life," Paige says for absolutely no reason as she rolls out from under the car. Paige pulls Bella up to her feet. Oh, how fucking cute. Bella has her first smear of grease. It's a giant stripe across her forehead. She's all smiley and greasy. I hate her. Still holding onto Paige's hand she says, "Oh, I love French manicures." Paige asks how much she owes her. Bella gives a look back to the station and thinks, "Oh, the hell with it. It's 1957 here. We'd only charge a nickel anyway." She tells Paige it's on the house. Paige thanks her. Smile. Smile. Smirk. "Cool." Stink-eye.
Terri is on the phone. "It's Jake! Jacqueline!" And we have a name, folks. Only took three episodes. Too bad she's still Terri. She's putting on her clothes and talking to her mother's housekeeper. Seems Terri's mom is off in Hollywood doing something: "Glad the role came through." Can't wait to see the stunt casting on Terri's mom. Seriously, I bet it'll be Sean Young. Terri puts her white ace bandage over her black Victoria's Secret bra. She then puts a white t-shirt over it. Black bra. White t-shirt. Good job. I hate the costume people. Terri hangs up and looks around.
Verve tosses a ball to no one as MamaVerve walks up behind him. "Oh! Here's Munchie! Hi!" Verve asks her to not call him Munchie in front of everyone. Munchie. I wish I had come up with that. There's a redhead following MamaVerve. She's here from California checking out the school. Her name is Lena. "Hamilton's my son," MamaVerve says, because they knew we were asking questions. MamaVerve asks him to chaperone Lena over to the Girls' School. MamaVerve looks like a cross between Jessica Lange and Cybill Shepherd. Verve looks at the Lena and says, "Well." Lena executes the all-important red-lipped pout. Terri walks up to a rock and hides behind a tree branch and watches.
Verve and Lena walk. "So, what's it like in L.A.?" he asks. She continues looking upward and drones, "Nothing's indigenous. Even the palm trees are brought in." She confesses that she stole that line from The Way We Were. I hope that we can expect continual apologies for plot, dialogue and character rip-offs, but I'm not holding my breath. Verve asks if she likes movies. No, really. He goes, "You like movies?" What a ridiculous question. Lena admits that she mostly likes old movies. He tells her that they just restored an old drive-in in Rawley and that it opens tomorrow night. ["That's funny, because they did the same thing on Dawson's Creek. Do small towns ever restore cinemas in real life?" -- Wing Chun]
Terri walks up. Lena is instantly interested. Verve starts with, "Jake, this is..." Lena offers her hand and her name instantly. As Verve stammers Lena's credentials, Terri gives her a firm handshake. Lena tells Terri that they are going to the drive-in tomorrow night "to see a movie." She asks if Terri wants to come. Cue Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love as Terri looks at Verve. Verve looks back at Terri. Terri looks back at Lena and says yes. Verve bits his lip and says, "Great." Terri smiles. Lena tells Terri that she looks exactly like her ex-boyfriend. Terri says she hopes that's a compliment. Lena says that it is. Verve leans into Terri and says that a lot of people say they look alike. Lena says she doesn't notice a similarity. But I do. Suddenly they look exactly alike. Verve starts to walk back to the Girls' School. Lena makes Terri promise to go out with them tomorrow night. As Lena tells Verve that Terri really looks like her ex-boyfriend, Terri walks away uncomfortably. I really don't understand why Terri still hasn't told Verve that she's a girl. Clearly they are in love and it's not like Verve would tell his parents. I mean, your girlfriend has her own private dorm room right down the hall from you and you're locked in a school together? How sweet is that?
Ah, the Friendly's. Pan across some whipped cream in a bag or something. I can't tell what we're looking at. Will picks up the can and says, "This is why I don't give whipped cream cans to kids." Oh, Will. Lighten the fuck up for a moment. Scout tells Will to leave and he'll close up. Scout looks out the window at Bella. She's putting windshield-wiper fluid in a bucket and holds a hose in her other hand. Whatever. She, of course, can feel him looking, and looks over at him. Close-up smile. Close-up smile. Pinkie wave. I'm so sick of this shit. Scout's smile fades, as it always does when he realizes that he can't screw his sister. Yet. Will asks if Scout is going to go out with Paige. He says that if he's not going to because of Bella, "that's pretty lame." Scout says that he grew up with Paige and that she's like (say it with me) "a sister." Bah-dum-bum. "Life's so weird," young astute Will says with a squint, and he finally leaves. Scout walks to the door and flips the sign. Close-up on Will looking sad. He sees Bella and Sean playing in the water from the bucket. She turns a hose on him. Sean hasn't gotten off his bike yet. By the way, it's fully lit outside. Friendly's must be closing early to save the cost of food for dinners. Sean dumps the bucket of wiper fluid all over Bella. ["Wouldn't that sting her eyes and skin? Just wondering." -- Wing Chun] Surprisingly, she doesn't kick his ass. She just giggles and has the time of her life. Townie. Close-up on the disappointed Scout. Close-up on the "Closed" sign. For like, thirty seconds. Closed. Like his heart, y'all. So damn sad.
Scout doesn't stay upset for very long and goes right to the can of whipped cream. As he fills his mouth, Paige knocks on the door. Will the comedy ever cease, people? I can hardly catch my breath. From the massive projectile vomiting. He unlocks the door and lets Paige in. "So you do work here?" She seems amazed. She calls it "charmingly eccentric." I think we're supposed to hate Paige, but she's really too bland to evoke any sort of emotion. "Am I too late for a quickie?" she asks Scout. Scout gets all shocked with cream on his face and I just have to look down because the horrible, horrible scene on my television is making my stomach heave. "A burger," she of course clarifies, and then wipes the cream off his chin with one finger. He says she's not "too late...for a quickie." Paige then slowly puts her finger in her mouth and sucks the cream off the tip. Good Lord, people. What the hell is this crap? Scout smiles through his "motivation."
Finn and MamaVerve walk through some park thing. She says that she can't teach that class with him. He asks if it's because she wants to stay away from him. She says it's because she doesn't want to stay away from him. She asks if it's clear. Finn tries to get all poet on her ass, but he's all squinty and speaking in fragments, and I really don't understand what he's saying. Clearly she doesn't either, because she says, "Yeah," like he asked a question, and then walks off.
Cue the British Aussie. Gregor Ryder walks into the dorm lounge area with a video camera up to his face. He announces that he's making a documentary about the freshmen of Rawley. He says that he's looking for "the hawpes, the feeeiahs, the dweeams of some of our fweshmen." The Gregor Cam is crazy-annoying to look through. Will just keeps shaking his head and reading his magazine. Gregor-Ryder decides to start with some boy that looks like Jason Biggs. "Tell us, child, what iz your name?" Gregor-Ryder asks. The accent must be infectious, because it develops in this boy before he finishes his sentence. "Uh... Harry Johhhnsohn." Gregor-Ryder does the spinny cam on him as he laughs. "Harry Johhnsihn! That's brilliant! Tell us, Harry, why you're here at Rawley." "I...I guess to go to school?" Harry says, dropping the accent. Gregor-Ryder picks up the camera, aims it at himself and declares Harry will soon commit suicide. Nice. He turns the camera on Will. Through the Gregor Cam view, Will gets all sex, lies and videotape on us and goes, "Why are you here, Ryder?" Ooh, there it is. I bet his name is Gregor Ryder, though. Just like the Hamilton Fleming Hamilton Verve Hamilton Munchie. Okay, we can call him Ryder now. Check out Ryder's answer to this deep question: "Because mi mothah had the pieur sense to marry an American, and this is his pathetic idear of a guud school." If you can name that country, I'll give you mad cash. "I'm hoping it proves to be the low point in my life." No accent, now. He says that from what he knows of Will, this is going to be the high point in Will's life. He says that sooner or later the scholarship money will run out, and since Will's mom doesn't make too much on the perms and trims she gives, they aren't going to be able to afford his Rawley tuition much longer. Will looks deep into the camera and says, "You are a worthless individual, aren't you?" Ryder jumps into Will's lap (the camera is nowhere to be found) and gets in Will's face. "Yeah," he says, and then blows an air kiss inches away from Will's lips. "But ah'm great foon to be around." Will pushes Ryder off of him; he only has eyes for Finn. Verve stands up and announces, "It's not even your camera, Ryder. School property." Ooh, burn. "Duh...Hamilton," Ryder counters. DOUBLE BURN! Duh! He said "duh"! Duh! Ryder wins for lamest line of the evening. Duh. Ryder starts into Verve by asking if he's still a virgin. He says it must be hard being around "all these nubile young weemeen" each and every year. Will tells Ryder to back off. Verve puts his hand on Will's chest and tells him not to bother. He walks off. Ryder cracks a joke that once he started talking about sex, Verve wanted to be alone. The background music is from Sleeping With the Enemy, I think. Ryder puts the camera back up to his own face so we can see in this brilliant close-up: "What ouwah boy Hamilton doesn't realize is, while he's yet to wet his whistle, his loving mutha is loving someone otha than hees loving fathah. Kind of ironic. Which I'm sure Finn would point out, which is ironic in itself, seeing as...Finn's the one she's dewwwing."
The rest of the freshman are standing along the edges of the room with their arms crossed. Ryder turns the camera to Will and says since he saw the whole thing he might want to add his own remarks. Will gets up to Ryder and knocks the camera out of his hand. Very dramatic flinging of the camera against the wall. Ryder goes apeshit. "Damn! Krudski, I was on a roll." "Gentlemen? What's going on here?" Hey, who's the new stubbly guy? Ryder goes Eddie Haskell and says, "Hello, Dean Fleming. I'm so sorwee. I dropped it. I'm so clumsy. If it's broken, I'll pay for it." The dean says it's not necessary, and that it's just a camera. He asks the room if something is wrong. Will is the only person allowed to answer questions, so he says no. The dean walks off with the camera. Ryder turns around, takes a grand bow to Will, and walks off with his evil chuckle. I assume he's going straight to his room to work on more Ryan Phillippe impersonations. Close-up on Will as both Ryders laugh and the screen fades out.
"THIS SHOW IS AWFUL!" I scream into the silence.
For the first time in my life, I'm relieved to see the Taco Bell dog. ["Isn't Taco Bell owned by PEPSI? How the hell did that get in there?" -- Wing Chun]
Bella and Paige are sitting together in the near darkness. Paige is showing Bella how to do a French manicure. In the dark. "Can you keep a secret?" Paige asks her. Bella smiles, thinks for a while and says, "Oh, yeah," like she's keeping the biggest secret in the whole damn world, even though six other people know she's related to Scout. Paige tells Bella that she's been in love with Scout since she was five. She has Dr. Seuss books with "Paige Calhoun" scribbled all over them. So, she was just learning how to read Hop On Pop but knew how to write "Paige Calhoun"? Yeah. "I want him to be my first," she tells Bella. "Really?" Bella asks, as if she's a bit confused on which "first" this slut is talking about. Bella messes up Paige's nail. Paige says she thought she had made a mistake, until Scout asked her to the drive-in tonight. Bella looks Paige up and down. Bella says she's going with Sean. Wow. A whole day passed and we missed it. Paige says she'll see her there. They giggle uncomfortably.
Will and Scout are walking down a sidewalk. Scout pushes a bike. Will asks if Scout remembers how "in Civil Disobedience, Thoreau talks about how it's okay to break the rules sometimes if you do it for the right reasons." Scout says yes. Will asks if he believes that. "Depends on the circumstances," Scout says. "My dad got arrested for protesting Vietnam. Um, you always have to do what you think is right, regardless of the consequences, you know?" Uh, thanks for bringing up your dad getting arrested and then not mentioning one other thing about it. How pointless was that? Scout asks if Will is thinking about "staging a revolution." Will says no. Scout asks if Will wants to go on a double date. He says that he's going with Paige. "That'd be cool," Will says. "You know. You and Paige. Me and my right hand." They laugh. I don't. That's creepy, yo. Will asks where they're going. Scout tells him they're going to the drive-in. Will scoffs and says, "You know, you're a big boy. I think you can handle this one on your own." Big boy.
Teleportation. Will is walking through the empty dorm hallway. He does that creepy walk like a villain from a 1930s silent film. You can almost hear the "duh-duh-duh-dih-duh-duh-da-duh-duh." He walks over to some double doors and tries the knob. They are locked. Check this: He pulls out his student ID and slides the lock open. Whatever, Poirot. "Life is weird," MacGyver says again before he enters the room. He slowly shuts the door and grimaces when it makes a clicking sound. But him talking out loud in the hallway wasn't suspicious? Inside the darkened room, Will picks up the video camera. He tries to get the tape out, but since he's from 1958, he doesn't know how to work these new-fangled machines. He rushes out the door with the camera in his hand, completely giving up on being quiet now that he's holding stolen property. "Hey!" Cue MamaVerve. She asks what he's holding. He stammers that it's not what it looks like. He tries to tell her that there's something on the tape. "Gimme the camera, Will." She tells him that she's going to have to tell the dean on him for this. She calls him "the dean" instead of her "husband." She tells him that this could mean expulsion. She walks off as Will looks pained.
The drive-in is showing Bell, Book and Candle and Ray of Justice, for those of you keeping score at home. What is it with this town? What year is it? IMDb describes Bell, Book and Candle thus: "A modern-day witch likes her neighbor but despises his fiancée, so she enchants him to love her instead...only to fall in love with him for real." Oh, if only the double-lives plotlines in this show were as entertaining. I'd give anything to have a witch on this show. Wait a minute, there's always Bella. "It's weird, huh?" she asks Sean in the front seat of her Jeep. I would really like to be as poor as Bella someday. "Everything old becomes hip. I mean, this place has been packed since it became a revival house." Hold up. Verve said not ten minutes ago that this was the opening night of the drive-in. Hire a continuity person and let them rewrite the script, please. All of it. And give me a new show. Sean moves over to Bella and says, "I know something old I'd like to see here." What? Why is Bella laughing at that? That means nothing! Then she realizes that he didn't say anything funny and asks, "Yeah, what's that?" "Bench seating," he says to her.
Convertible Two. Paige and Scout sit to each other in silence. She asks if everything is okay. "Yeah," he says, like she's the witch. "I haven't seen this movie before. It's pretty good." Jack Lemmon would be so honored.
Opting for the cheap seats, Verve, Terri and Lena sit on lawn chairs watching the movie. Well, Verve is watching Lena watch Terri watch the movie. Terri looks at Lena. Lena looks at the movie and then back at Terri. Verve turns his head from Lena back towards the movie. I am almost out of breath from the suspense. I start listening to the movie in the background. Lena leans into Terri and tells her that the movie is really romantic. Terri says that the girl is a witch, and that it's creepy. Lena says it's about two people fall for each other "under the worst possible circumstances" and that they can't be together but decide to do it anyway. Look, WB, I don't care how you try and spoonfeed us that incest is best, I'm not buying it. It's not okay. Verve says that it's a full moon. Terri looks up appreciatively. Lena says that the actual full moon is tomorrow. Verve thanks her for the clarification. I like Verve. "I'm gonna go and...get some Jujubees." Terri gets up and walks off. Lena turns to Verve. "Ah, gah, I thought he'd never leave." Verve seems interested, but then Lena starts asking Verve if Terri likes her. She says she's not sure if she's confusing signals and that "he's so hard to read. But that's kinda what I like about him." "Yeah," Verve moans. She asks him to talk to Terri for her. Verve says it's a bad idea. "What, you talking to him or us getting together?" "I don't know," Verve says, "I just...don't see it." Lena doesn't see her sitting to Verve anymore, and hops over to Terri's chair with much spite and leg-crossing.
We watch a real movie for a second.
Bella tells Sean that having his dick shoved into the gearshift can't be comfortable. He's all rubbing up and down on it, and I'm not comfortable. He says he's glad she came there with him tonight. "Me too," Bella smirks. As Sean does something back and forth with his right hand just out of view he stammers about how he's been wanting to ask Bella out for a long time, but they've always been friends and it's weird. Bella watches Scout hesitantly put his arm around Paige. Sean gets Bella's attention back and asks if she's okay. She answers by putting her tongue in his mouth.
Scout pulls his hand back from Paige's shoulder and she sighs. He asks what's wrong. She asks if he's going to kiss her. As he fish-mouths for a second, and she leans in and starts macking. Hey, would you kiss your sister like that, buddy? Oh, wait. She leans back and Scout looks terrified. Ooh, maybe Paige is actually Scout's mother, and Biff will be along any second to pull her from the car and fondle her crinoline. Paige says that she wanted them to be together. He says that they are together right now. "No. I wanted you...to be my first." Scout asks if she means "right here, right now." "Not here," Paige says with no emotion whatsoever. "Like I'm going to lose my virginity in a drive-in." Scout says he understands. "New car smell. Ashtray marks in the back of my neck." What an asshole. Paige agrees and sends him off for a COKE.
Scout walks out of the car and stops in front of Bella's Jeep. He watches the two of them make out. He keeps watching. Close-up on Bella and Sean making out. As they turn their heads, Scout is standing right behind them watching. Biff looks up, but before George can get out, "Hey, you. Get your damn hands off her," he runs off to the concession stand. Sean asks if Bella wants anything from the snack bar. "Hot Tamales would be good," she exhales. Sean kisses her and leaves. "'Ello, darlin!" Ooh, is it Dick Van Dyke? No. It's just Ryder. "Aren't you a little bit yung to drive'? I mean, personally, I like girls that break the law but...I wooodn't want you to get in trouble." "How 'bout girls that break your legs?" Bella asks as she opens the door on him. Ryder hits the ground as Bella walks off. He stands up and laughs. He shouts, "That was very foony! So youuung! Sooo baaahd!" Ooh, that's how I'd describe Young Americans. So young, so bad. You said it, Ryder. "So what," Ryder says without a hint of accent as he smokes his cigarette. I wonder if he's going to end up pulling a Tucker from There's Something About Mary.
Terri sits back down between Lena and Verve and announces that they were all out of her candy. She purses her lips and looks around. Side shot of the three of them watching the movie. At the same time, Verve and Lena turn to look at Terri. Whee! Terri gets uncomfortable, looks at Verve, and goes back to the movie.
Scout stands in the darkened concession stand. Why is every room so damn dark in this city? It's summertime! Sean storms up to Scout and says, "What the hell do you think you were doing back there?" Scout says he was on his way to the snack bar. "I'm not going to ask what you were doing, because I think that's pretty obvious." And none of his business, frankly, but no one has ever asked me anything. Sean asks what the hell he means. "It means that Bella is very special...and...you'd just better treat her right, is all I'm saying." Sean gives Scout a mighty shove and says, "Screw you! Who are you to tell me how to treat her? What are you her brother?" I bite my tongue, just to have something tangible to match this pain. Bella runs up and tells Sean to stop. "No," he whines. "Yes. Now." She pulls him back. Sean slams some paper COKE cups down so we know he's really tough. Man, I can't wait for Bella to dump this guy. No one in the concession stand even stops for one moment. As Bella leads her man out by his arm, she takes a backward glance at her lover. I mean, brother. Scout leans back on the counter. Ryder is right in his face, eating a chip. "You shou-ah hi 'im." Fade to black.
I burst into tears.
Rowing, rowing, rowing. In the darkness, sitting on a table, Paige tells Bella that even though she was with Scout she never felt like she was alone. Doesn't Paige have a new school to attend? Bella smiles and says that maybe Scout just takes a little while to warm up. Paige offers this bullshit: "He's fifteen. Sitting in a car. With a girl. At a drive-in." She concludes that either Scout is in love with someone else or "he's been hurt during the war." WHAT? ["I think it might be a The Sun Also Rises shout-out. But perhaps I'm being charitable." -- Wing Chun] "And there's been no war." Thanks, Paige. This cues Bella's laughter. Paige asks if there's someone else. Bella looks guilty and says she doesn't know. Twice.
Main Street. 1961. Bella storms into the Friendly's and says that she and Scout need to talk. I guess they're going to run out the one customer they got today. Scout says he apologizes for last night. "I was out of line." "Out of line? Try out of your mind!" Oh, Lord, that's some bad writin', peeps. She says she has every right to be on a date. He says he knows she does, "But it was who [she] was on a date with." Bella rapid-fires her few lines. "You know, this is getting really boring. Why can't you just be happy for me? Why?" Wait, Bella. Stop. Go back to the first sentence. You had it right there. No need to go any further. Scout tells Bella that Sean isn't the kind of guy he sees her with. "You keep saying that! So, what kind of guy do you see me with, exactly?" she demands. Scout mouth-breathes for a second. "That's what I thought." Bella brats. "We can't see each other anymore." "What are you talking about? I was just worried about you like a brother," Scout pleads. Bella rolls her eyes all the way to Spain and says, "Oh. Okay. Then tell me. You're with this beautiful, smart girl last night. How did that go? Did you enjoy it? Did you even kiss her?" Scout blinks. "We're not going down this road again," Bella says, standing up. "Goodbye, Scout." Bella walks off, and Scout grabs a napkin dispenser and holds it close to his chest. Close-up on Scout. Blink.
Finn walks down that grassy place that usually holds dogs. MamaVerve runs up behind him. He says that he doesn't need to hear another lecture and that he agrees with what she had said. She tells him about catching Will with the video camera. This time she calls the dean "my husband." "Did he say what he was doing?" Finn asks. "Oh, he was stealing it," MamaVerve declares. She says she knows that he and Will are close and she thought he might have an idea on how to handle this. "Giving me a lot of credit," Finn drones. He walks away. "Yes, I am," she says like she's about to cry. Distant shot of illicit love parting.
Ooh, the direction here is divine. As MamaVerve walks in the opposite direction from the departing Finn, Terri and Verve walk up through the parting of the trees just ahead. I remember when my high school drama teacher blocked that action for a very special scene in Neil Simon's Rumors. Yeah! Verve in a tank top! Twenty-four-year-old shoulder muscles. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Verve tells Terri that she wins. He says that Lena is obviously into her more than she's into him. Terri asks if she comes with a trip to Hawaii. Verve isn't in the mood for jokes. Who is in this show? Terri explains that some people just have better chemistry than other people and that some people click. How is that supposed to make Verve feel better? "Look, I'm sure you clicked with plenty of babes." This is where I desperately want Verve to grab Terri by the shoulders and say, "Look. I know you're trying to be a boy here. We don't say 'babes.' Not like that. You sound like a moron." Verve asks if Terri likes Lena. Terri stammers and says, "Oh, I don't know. I mean, she's hot. Right?" Verve asks for clarification on whether Terri thinks she's hot. "Don't you?" Terri asks. Now I'm confused. Verve says that no matter what happens, he's cool. "You're a guy. She likes you. Go for it." Cue Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love. Verve walks off as Terri says to no one, "What isn't wrong with this picture?"
Prep School Without Classes. As everyone gets up to leave, Finn asks Will to stay after class. There's another quotation written on the chalkboard, but everything is shot without lighting this episode, and I can't read the entire thing. Finn says he "heard about the incident last night with the video camera." These lines couldn't be more stilted if they were making an industrial film. "Right," Will says. "Right?" Finn asks. He's covered in sweat for some reason. "That's all you have to say is, 'Right'?" "What else do you want me to say?" "How 'bout what in the hell were you thinking stealing?" Always the English teacher displaying such enviable grammar. Finn says he knows Will doesn't have as much money as the rest of the kids in the school: "But you're about to get your ass kicked out of here." Will is outraged that Finn would think he stole the camera for money. Finn says that Will went into the dean's office, took the camera, and has no excuse. "What am I supposed to think?" Finn shouts. "Let me help you," Will gets all self-righteous. "Imagine a student seeing something he wasn't supposed to see. A teacher, but not just any teacher [the only teacher], a teacher who's been very good to him. A teacher kissing the wife of the dean." Finn gets all nauseous and lowers his head. "Oh, no." That's all he has to say. "Oh, no." He could at least tell Will that it's really annoying when he repeats the beginnings of all of his sentences with the same words. Will's not done, of course: "And now imagine another student seeing this, but a real jerk [Oh, he didn't use the 'jerk' card, did he! Yes, he did!], who during a hazing spree [It was?] videotapes this information and it ends up in the dean's office." Finn has nothing to say, so he looks down and sweats. "What would you have done?" Will stands up to leave, but he's not done with the lecture. "And, and you know what the funny part of all of this is? The tape is still in the dean's desk. So now, you're the one with the moral dilemma. You're the one with all the learning and the lectures and the philosophy. You're the grown-up! You go and decide what's right and wrong." You're the moral dilemma. Fade to black.
For a brief moment I consider quitting Mighty Big TV forever, so as to never be lumped into a category of "writers" with Will "I'll say it again" Krudski. He called Ryder a jerk. How stupid is that? "Duh" and "Jerk." This isn't high school. It's the third grade. In 1986. ["Dude, if Get Real didn't do you in, I think you're indestructible." -- Wing Chun]
Coke commercial.
Finn sits at his desk and thinks. Thinks. He thinks some more. He does a tiny spinny on his chair and thinks. Still too dark to read the quote behind him, though. He stands up, removes his glasses, and leans forward to look out the window. MamaVerve and Verve are playing with some dogs in the grass. Finn watches all creepy and has his own Harrison Ford moment.
Teleportation. Finn walks up to MamaVerve and says that he talked to Will about the tape and found out that Will was trying to protect some people and wasn't stealing. She asks if he's sure. He says he is. She asks what was on the tape. He says it's nothing important. She thanks him for taking care of the situation. I fall asleep. Finn also says that she doesn't have to worry about him and "that" anymore. No more groping. They sniff a couple of times. "Oh," she says, "okay." Her head wobbles like a dashboard doggie. They smile and look down. MamaVerve says that she's got a family to go feed. As she turns to go, Finn reaches into MamaVerve's blouse, pulls out her Scarlet A and rubs his sweat all over it. The oboe embraces Finn as he stands alone.
Oh, man. It's just not over. This show is never over. Scout sits on a boat under a tree. Paige sits down to him. It's raining, by the way, because that's the law. She says that she's having a party with her parents on their boat this weekend and wanted him to come. He says he thinks that he's got a meet that weekend. She tells him that she likes him and that she's always liked him. He gets all nervous and breathes through his nose. He thanks her. She says she doesn't want to waste anyone's time and wants to know if he's just not interested. He says that it's not her. She says she thinks he's about to "blow a really good thing." He says he knows that. She asks if it's a chemistry thing or a timing thing or if there's someone else. He says it's not about her and that it's "kind of a timing thing." She says that was much easier than "a bunch of bad dates that ultimately lead to nowhere." "You're pretty cool, Paige," he smiles. "Yeah. I know." She kisses his cheek and walks off into the rain. Scout takes a moment to look off into the distance. Nostril flare.
Show ain't over yet, people.
Lena busts in on Terri's room. She says that she's going back to Los Angeles but she wanted to thank Terri for a good time and to tell her that she's transferring to Rawley School for Girls in the fall. Terri thanks her and says that it's great news. As Lena goes on and on about how she hopes that they will stay friends and that Terri will remember her when she gets there, she leans in closer and closer to Terri. Instead of backing away, Terri acts like she was trapped into a kiss. She pushes Lena away and says that she's sorry, it's not her, it's her, but she's in love with someone else. She says that she's really impressed that Lena had the courage to do that. Lena says that Verve was right, and that he said it wasn't going to work. "I think he was jealous." "I guess he likes you," Terri says. "No," Lena says, "I think he likes you." Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love. "What?" Terri asks as she follows Lena out the door. All of the boys are just standing around outside Terri's door and begin cheering and hollering because Terri was in the room with a girl alone for two minutes and that means they must have fucked. Terri gives a little hang-loose sign as Verve walks up and asks what the commotion is for. Someone tells Verve that Terri totally banged that chick, dude. Terri walks up to Verve and says that it wasn't what it looked like. Verve says, "Yeah, right," and they give each other some skin. Terri watches Verve walk out as the boys continue making noises.
Will skips rocks on the pier. Finn walks up and shows him the camera. He asks how to get the tape out of it. He tells Will that what he saw the other morning was all his fault. "Not only did I let it happen? I caused it to happen." I don't even know what that means. He tells Will that he's amazed at what Will did for him. "You're a big person, Will. Bigger than I am. And I'm sorry for what I put you through." Finn grabs the tape out of the camera and whispers, "Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that." Will stops Finn from leaving and thanks him. They hug. Finn tells him to unpack his bags.
Scout calls Paige on his cell phone and says he'd like to go with her to her parents' boat this weekend. He walks across the street and tosses coins at Bella's window. She opens the window and looks out. Scout then delivers the worst lie I've ever heard. He says that she was right about Paige and that he had a great time on their date. He says that he's always been interested in her, but that he didn't know how to tell Bella how he felt. And since he's going to be dating Paige now, there's no reason why he and Bella can't be friends. This is retarded. Bella's all, "I'm really, really happy for you." Scout asks what she's doing. Bella: "Folding laundry." Scout: "You wanna walk to the lake? I'll teach ya how to skip a stone." Bella: "Scout, I already know how to skip a stone." Scout: "Okay. Then you can show me. Because I don't." He asks for half an hour, even wheedling, "I'll have you home before dinner." Stare. Stare. Stare. Distant look. Bella says she'll be right down. Scout walks towards the front of the house. As we slowly pan into Bella's room through her window, we see her wipe away the torrents of tears. There's a lot of lip-pulling going on in her grief. It's too dark in there to see much else.
Krudski's Final Thought. "When I was little I had this idea that life could be perfect." During the following lines, we see quiet moments with Verve, Finn, Terri, blah, blah, blah, boringcakes. "That if you were careful enough you'd never make a mistake. Never be lonely. Never be misunderstood. Never be frightened." Scout and Bella flirt and walk together. "But it doesn't work that way. Life is big and messy and you just have to climb in there with your boots on and hope for the best. Like Thoreau said, 'Heaven is under our feet as well as over our head.' And at the end of the day, I have to say I still feel pretty lucky to be here." Will and Finn share a Friendly's moment over a Coke.
week Will falls in love with a girl. Will Scout and Bella be jealous? Terri and Verve re-enact the scene from Just One of the Guys where Terri pulls her tuxedo shirt open and shows her breasts to Rick. Because it's the WB, Terri is wearing a black bra instead of naked boobies, and I doubt Verve is going to be able to turn to everyone and say, "It's okay, everybody. It has tits." But I can't wait anyway. So many movie scenes to steal, so few weeks left.