Mad props to Rose and Ray, who came over to watch this week's episode with me. Secretly, I think they actually love the show, but felt that by shouting out insults they were doing their penance for their guilty pleasure.
Previously on Young Americans: Scout and Will met and realized they were roommates. Girls took off their tops, ran really fast and jiggled. I fell in love with Scout's pecs. Finn found out that Will cheated to get into Rawley. Scout met pump girl Bella, and they fell in l-u-v. Bella's dad told Scout that he and Bella share a father. They didn't care. Terri kissed Verve. Terri flopped onto her bed in her bra.
I wish I could have just watched that instead of the whole episode.
Shots of the lake. Shots of the lake. Shots of the school. And cue the voice-over: "All right. Here is the big picture. Time. It's not really on my side these days. And the moments just seem to fly by. [I accidentally hit mute for three glorious seconds]...incredible journey between my life at school and my friends in town who...really aren't aware of my life at school yet. It's actually kind of hectic. So while trying to tie it all together and make it work, I'm terminally...well, heh, late." As Will talks, we see him run to his bike and bike to a softball field. Okay. Guess we pretty much summed up the whole episode already. Wish there weren't fifty-three more minutes. "Heeeeeeeeey, Sundance!" a boy yells to Will with a high-five. "'Sup, Butch?" Will returns as he takes his place on the field. "Thought you went off to Mexico without me!" "Butch and Sundance went to Bolivia, not Mexico." Yeah, this banter continues for a while, about Will not being around his friends and their being all worried about where he's been, without Will's actually mentioning Rawley. So many double lives in Young Americans, so few that are actually interesting. Will's friend is realizing that he's getting the "I'm being secretive" brush-off, and gives Will a long, meaningful stare usually reserved for jilted girlfriends, before throwing another pitch. Ah, the slow game montage. Close-up slow-motion moving pecs. Thank you, WB. Homoerotica is my friend. At one point, Will's friend shouts, "Oh, yeah!" as Will pulls him into an embrace. He does. I'm not making that up. As Will lets him go he shouts, "Woo!" "Woo!" Will's friend shouts back. They're in luv. More ball playing. More "Woo!"s. Will and Mr. Woo give dap as they compliment each other on their excellent game-winning skillz. Will says he's got to go. Mr. Woo says that they were about to go for a pizza and then go to the lake, adding "Come on!" Will says he has something to do at the house. "You been M.I.A. for dates. What's going on? Calling you. Stopping by." A random pec fills the screen as a twenty-six-year-old passes by in a tight tank. Will says, "I'll talk to you later. I promise." Mr. Woo watches Will run off. Mr. Woo just keeps watching. And squinting. And watching Will as he runs away.
Will is pedaling on his bike. He gets to Rawley's lake and runs to the pier. He tells Finn that he had some stuff to finish up at the dorms. Finn gets all high and mighty with this: "Krudski? This school -- exceptional. The opportunity to go here -- unparalleled. Showing up late here speaks to a lack of commitment. Remember. You're here because you're exceptional. The time you're late? You're off the team." Finn's obviously seen Tom Cruise in Magnolia a few too many times, because he refuses to take off that head mic. Slow pan down Will's young body as he kicks off his shoes (but not his socks) and jumps into the lake with all of his clothes on. I hope Will jumps into water fully clothed every episode. Close up on the grinning Finn: "Well done, Krudski." CREEPY. And totally stolen from Dead Poets Society.
The opening credits. They didn't show these last week. Oh, probably because they thought that we thought that Terri was a boy. Because they think we're dumb. Oh, the opening credits are: boat, pecs, boobs, shoulder, smirk, wet kids, jumping, smirk, wet kids, distant stare, pecs, grin, naked boys jumping off a boat, grin, tossing a football, distant stare, running in a group while holding hands with your sister, stubble grin that thinks "The 'Finn' is short for 'Fiennes.' Ralph Fiennes. We get confused all the time." ("Also like Finn from Great Expectations," Rose says. "Who's Finn?" I ask. "The lead." "No." "Yes." "No, he's name's "Pip." "Not in the movie." "NO." "Yeah." "NO." "Yes." "Ethan Hawke is the stupidest man alive." "I know. Ooh! Naked boys!") Half-naked boys running together, mostly naked boys grinning at each other as they run through a forest, laughing, thinking under a tree, rain, grabbing your sister's boobie as she flops into your lap, and of course, jumping into a lake with all of your clothes on. Oh, there's more. Jiggly running girl, wet boys, rowing. Forgot the dénouement. Sorry.
Say it with me: "Young Americans is brought to you by Coca-Cola."
Wet kids. The show is back on.
Scout and Will are walking through a deserted street. No one drives a car later than a 1978 model. I don't know. Scout is explaining to Will that he and Bella are just going to be friends and that's all cool because he really likes her "as a friend." Scout says, "'Sister' isn't socially acceptable. I already had that conversation with her father." I guess they're going to keep it a secret that they're related so that no one thinks it's creepy when they see them mugging down behind ye olde gas pumpe. Oh yeah, they're walking on Strawberry Lane. That is so gay. Scout makes a non-joke about just telling his dad that he met this girl and fell in love with her and, "Oh yeah. You're her father too! Heh, heh." Scout says, "It's so...Jerry Springer." But he says it like he really doesn't know who Jerry Springer is. Oh, right. The Townie. "And there she is."
We see Bella walk up to a car with some red rag hanging out of her back pocket so we stare at her ass instead of noticing that she never has one smudge of dirt or grime on her when she works with automobiles. Maybe they didn't have motor oil in cars from 1963. I don't know. Will says that he's got to get to work and walks off. Scout squints at Bella. Bella looks up at him with this emaciated pitiful squint. Scout smirks back. She wiggles a finger at him. Scout watches Will walk into a restaurant and wave goodbye. The camera stops at a "Help Wanted" sign all big and bold and flashing neon, with dancing girls in front singing the "If You Worked Here, You'd Be Sleeping With Your Sister By Now" song. Scout looks at Bella. Bella smiles and looks down. Scout continues smiling and looks back at the restaurant. Close-up on the giant, red Help Wanted sign. It comes to life and says, "Why, hello, Scout! I'm the town Help Wanted sign! If you listen to me, you can get a deeper understanding of Townie life, and learn something about the meaning of a dollar. Also, perhaps the Townies would think a little more of you if you were a part of their world, too. That and the view of Bella's ass from this window is fucking incredible. Seriously."
I have two statues of Saint Clare, the patron saint of television, that sit on either side of my cable box. At this moment, right before the music kicks up again, one of the dueling Saint Clares leaps from the television stand, and plummets to my stained, cheap, apartment carpet. She gives a muffled groan as the rug burn hits her cheeks. The other Saint Clare floats down and shouts, "Get up, you whiny bitch. You aren't leaving me this easily." The dueling Saint Clares give me the finger and then take their positions back on the television stand. One of my cats tries to lick Saint Clare's fresh blood, but she shoots water out of her eyes and confuses him. I look back to find my other cat holding the remote control with his teeth, whacking the side of it against the table in an effort to hit the record button to erase the remainder of the episode. I don't really want to punish him, since I'd normally encourage this type of behavior. Instead, we all sit down to some beer. Welcome to my world.
Scout looks back at Bella one more time before entering the restaurant. The sensitive flute plays its charming song as we pan over the top of another giant red Help Wanted sign and see Scout with a big shit-eating grin, as if he's the first person ever to think of applying for a job. Bella is still putting gas in this car, and it's been like, five minutes. For real. Scout looks at Bella again, and his smile still hasn't faded.
Bella is leaning into a truck as Scout walks up. He: "Hey." She: "Hi." Me: "Kill me." Scout asks if her dad will be mad if he's around. "Not if you help me fix this truck. Here, come here and put your hand on the manifold for me." At this point my friend Ray bursts into peals of laughter. "'Put your hand on the manifold'! Hee!" Now, I assume that we're laughing at a word that sounds like "Manfold," which is crazy-funny, if you ask me. But Ray says, "A manifold is a big hunk of metal. It's like, part of the engine. That's like her asking if he'd hold the car down with his hand just in case it starts rolling away while she looks at it. The manifold. Yeah, he's really helping there." I resist the urge to call Ray a townie, and instead just start laughing like I knew what a manifold was the entire time. I hope he didn't hear me when I shouted, "Yeah, MANFOLD!" "Does it bite?" Scout asks. "Ass!" Ray shouts. Bella says that her dad will be okay with the two of them being friends if they just give him time. Scout actually says, "I need time. I need, like, a million years." Rose asks whether I have to recap the entire episode, or only to the part where it becomes completely unwatchable. I haven't the heart to explain, especially since she's spending the night, and will have to watch this episode frame by painstaking frame in about an hour. Extreme close-up on Bella as she scratches her head. Just as she and Scout are maybe gonna kiss again, Will comes bounding up like usually does. He tosses an apron at Scout and says that he got the job. "Job?" Bella laughs. Scout says, "That's great!" Bella says she's never seen someone so happy about making minimum wage. Scout says he promised his dad he'd take a summer job. "'Sa character builder." Will ruins everything again by pulling the poverty card: "That's funny. It never occurred to us poor kids." He nods at Bella because they had to save up for like, months to buy all those Abercrombie and Fitch separates. Will tells Scout that he's starting right now, for the lunch rush. "And you're late." Will walks back in under the giant "Friendly's" sign. Terribly extreme close-up as Bella shows us just how much blush one girl can pile onto the apples of her cheeks. Close-up on Scout. Close-up on Bella. I program "close-up" into F7. "Someone's gotta feed the masses," she grins. More grinning. Crazy grinning. "Somebody wipe the fucking dew off her cheeks," Rose spits. "Whoever does her makeup should be shot." Bella licks her lips a lot and watches Scout walk away. She looks at the truck, looks at Scout. She looks at the truck, Scout. Truck. Scout. Oboe.
Close-up on a bra. Pan up to Terri. She sleeps. In. Her. Bra. In front of an open window. My ass. She wipes one eye with her ring finger to show us she's been dead asleep for hours. Thanks, Terri. She looks around her room as if she's never seen it before. She stands up in her bra and panties and turns a few circles, looking around the room some more. She walks to the mirror and fidgets with her wig. I mean, "hair." Girl's clearly wearing a wig, though. She walks in her bra to the window and squints at the sun. Suddenly she shakes her head and grins like Jordan in the first episode of Big Brother.
"God, where's the pink of it all?" she moans. I guess she means because her room is blue. But, um, she's busting into the boys' dorm, right? Thought so. Wait, is that a quote? I hope it's a quote. Maybe that's what it is. She pulls out a notebook and walks to the window in her bra and panties. I start screaming, "I knew it! I knew it! I knew she was writing a story about her experience! What a rip!" But instead, she just composes a letter to her mother. "Hey, Mom. Just a note to say I'm here. I'm okay. I miss you, and guess what? I just might be fitting in. So, I guess that's all. See ya when I see ya. Love, Jacqueline." We hear this voice-over as she puts on her man clothes. She puts her boxers into her jeans on the "fitting in" part. Terri finishes fidgeting with her hair as she puts the letter in the envelope. She turns it over and sees the Rawley Boys' Academy stamp on the back. She smiles and says that at least she'll know now if her mother actually reads her letters. She grabs a key and opens the lock from the inside ("Well, they're in the 1950s," Rose explains) and then stops to check herself out in the mirror again. She gets distracted as she realizes that the bra and girdle combo is poking out from her chest. She tries to push the girdle down when Verve fake-coughs in her doorway. Terri recoils and demands to know how long Verve was standing there. "Long enough to know..." Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. "...that I have to make something very clear." He says that when Terri kissed him the other day he was all confused. He says that he doesn't mind of Terri is gay but he's pretty sure that he isn't. No, he's sure. Really sure he's not gay. So sure. "If you're gay, whatever, that's fine. But it's not my bag." Terri pulls out a book and says, "Isn't this yours? Gay -- This kind of thing is my bag, written by Verve?" The steel drums start up, because they love each other. Terri says she's going to leave and get her bike. Verve looks around nervously. So does Terri. They exchange "See ya"s. This music makes me want a margarita.
Will pours a cool, refreshing Cola-Cola for someone. Well, he pulls it. Because he's a soda jerk. I fully expect Marty McFly to come busting in asking for a Pepsi Free or a Tab while Biff yells in the background. Scout is arranging the silverware on the counter so that Miss Manners approves of the positioning of the spoon. The Townies give the obligatory head-back-and-squint. Will walks in with some food and Scout says that he figures the place could "turn a sweet profit" if they put a cappuccino machine on the counter. Will explains that the man at the counter doesn't want a cappuccino, he wants a burger. No one asked me what I wanted, dammit. Bella walks in and sits down, saying something I can't understand even though I listened three times. Will reminds Bella that Scout is building character. She says that it will look good on his "Presidential résumé." So will "Sister Screwing. 2000-present." So much potential. I'm never stopping with the incest jokes, by the way. If they're gonna present it so lightheartedly, I figure I can do the same. Extreme close-ups. Bella orders a "Coke to go." She asks if he's an official Townie now. Scout says he guesses he is. She asks Will if he's going to take Scout to Sean's party this weekend. I guess Sean is Mr. Woo.
Will looks all uncomfortable and then says, "Sure." Look how many "S"s and "L"s I had to type in those last couple of sentences. Do you think someone could be a little more creative in the naming process? Scout tells Bella that he's been watching her at the gas station (no, really?) and asks her if she's ever considered putting in a larger sign to "maximize clientele." She asks him if he ever thought about "turning off the Coke machine to minimize spillage." Goofy antics and "physical" "comedy" as Scout turns off the machine. As Bella leaves, Scout asks for a tip. She turns and says, "Yeah. Try conquering one industry at a time." There's that winning smile from Scout again. Everyone in my apartment is asleep. Bella walks out the door carrying a paper Coke cup.
Will rides his bike down the sidewalk as the town whore lights her cigarette and stops him. "Hey, handsome!" Oh, wait. That's Will's mom. My bad. But come on. A blue strappy-top and a denim miniskirt? And black flats. She asks how things are going at Rawley. Fine. She asks when Will is going to tell Sean that he's going to Rawley now. Will says that it's only a summer session and that he might be back in the fall. Extreme close-up as Will says he doesn't know how long it's going to be "before [he] totally screw[s] this up, or something." Extreme close up on Mamawhore as she says, "You're not gonna screw it up." He starts to say something but she stops him and says she gets it. She says she's got to go back and make people pretty. She works in a salon, see. "Who's that, the town whore?" Ray asks, having just woken up. Mamawhore moves some hair out of Will's face and says, "I'll see you later, baby." "Ew," Ray says, just before passing out again.
Terri comes bounding down some steps and finds Verve sitting in some grass surrounded by, like, six dogs. She tells him that her bike is gone. She says that she left it where he told her to and she wants to know who took it. Verve says the groundskeeper probably confiscated it. She asks what she should do. "What are you asking me for?" he snots. She's all, "Gah, sorry," and gets up to leave, but he pulls her down by the hand (and lingers there) and says that he can think of something. Cue the Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love. He tells her to meet him under the staircase the night after dinner. They look at each other for a while and smile, as if they had just made plans to have sex. Terri gets up, wanders through the dogs and leaves. Where are all of the dogs coming from? Verve looks around and sighs.
Overhead shot of the lake. Rowing. Close-up on rowing. The boys are rowing. Yes, boys! Row! Row harder! Row stronger! Take off your shirts! Scout is the only one allowed to wear a tank top and not the crew uniform, since his muscles are fully developed. I wake Rose up so she doesn't miss the good parts here. She thanks me. We watch three minutes of uninterrupted rowing.
The boys are now lifting the heavy boat and bringing it back on land. Excellent. Yes, boys. Lift. Lift and look longingly at each other. That's real nice. Good. Will's best friend/boyfriend Sean stands by a tree and tries to act like he's not there. In the fuzzy distance, Will works a kink out of his back. Yes. Very nice. Stretch deeper, Will. Get in on that back muscle. It looks tired. Sean watches Will stretch. Will turns to touch someone's hand as they walk away and he sees Sean. Close-up on Sean looking away, awkwardly, because it's hard for him to talk to Will now. He's changed, somehow. He's not sure if he's the special person in Will's life anymore, what with his big friends and new life and all. Sean glares at Will, and Will awkwardly walks over. He touches his own face, as if he's trying to figure out just how to say these things to his jilted boyfriend. "Will, what are you doing here?" Sean asks. Sean asks if Will is going to Rawley. "Yeah." "I saw you rowin' across the lake," he says, like "rowin' across the lake" means "fucking that other boy." "Since when?" Sean spits. "Since I got a scholarship," Will replies. Sean asks when Will was going to tell him about it, and if he's not good enough for Will now. Will tries to stammer out excuses, but Sean keeps interrupting him with "I can't believe"s and "When"s. Sean leans back against the tree: "Gah. This really sucks, man." Sean looks away and pouts. Finn walks up to Will and says into his tiny microphone that it's time for Will to do something with shells. I don't know crew talk. "Hundred percent commitment," he says to Will, as if Will had been trying to get out of shell duty. Sean scoffs at the percentage. He looks down and up as if to say, "Whipped." "Look, I'd better go," Will says. "We'll talk later. I'll explain everything." Will turns to go and Sean says, "Go. I wouldn't want to screw up your commitment!" This hurts Will's heart, and he has to turn and stand behind some flowery branches. "I'm real sorry, man," he says, and runs off towards the waiting Finn. Oh. They broke up by a tree, y'all. That's so sad.
Coke commercial.
Down the old time-y road, we happen upon the Friendly's. Scout is inside, bussing a table. He picks up a Coke glass and looks out the red windowpanes. Bella is working on a car from 1957. She bends over and shows us the flesh between her butt and her strappy top. Scout looks longingly at her. He smiles. Then the smile stops. We see Bella walking over to Sean. They are both smiling all big, but we can't hear what they are saying. Close-up on Scout as he swallows, blinks. Sean touches Bella's hair. She laughs. Scout bites the insides of his cheeks. He looks down in pain. His hand has become stuck in some gum under the table. "Gross," he moans. He walks back to the counter (sans gum) as Sean walks in behind him and sits at a table with some friends. Scout walks over to Sean's table and asks what he can get for them. Sean says, "Hey, you new here?" Scout says that he is, and that he goes to Rawley. Close-up on Sean as he squints and says, "What are you doing here?" He lets out an exhale on "here" so we know he's all tough. Sean makes a joke about Scout's needing money to repair his dad's Ferrari. "Do you need menus, or are you just here to brighten my day?" Scout asks. "We been coming here all our lives, Skippy," Sean brags, as if that's something to be proud of. He drawls out the "s" in lives because he thinks he's John Malkovich. Scout says that he must know what he wants. Sean, of course, orders four hamburgers and four COKES. Scout says, "Coming right up," and walks away to some cowboy acoustic bad-ass strumming. Ooh.
Overhead shot of the desolate city. This place is so lame. Really. Will pedals past Finn walking out of some shop. "Hold up, Mercury!" Finn yells to him. Finn grabs a mitt from the ground. I can't tell if it fell from Will's bag or not. Will pedals back and Finn asks him about the softball that Will's playing. Finn also asks about Sean, but this scene is terribly dull. They keep doing this thing where we follow an extra walk-by to get from Will to Finn, Finn to Will. Finn says that Sean "seemed upset." "He was," Will says. The WB, having heard the complaints from its viewers about the lack of minorities on their programming, has one African-American woman in sunglasses walk quickly by before Will delivers his line. So stop writing all that hate mail. The WB loves you. Sometimes Will is leaning over his bike, sometimes he's leaning back. Whatever. They recap the past twenty minutes. Finn tosses back Will's glove and tells him, "Good luck." "Thanks," Will says, "we could win it all this year." All sullen and deep, Finn lowers his voice and says, "I mean with your friend." Close up on Will really taking in the meaning of Finn's wisdom. "Carry on, Atlas," Finn says while watching Will's butt pedal off. Lord, this show is bad. Will invites Finn to the game as he leaves.
Will shows up at the field as the boys are walking off. "Polo match run late?" Sean asks. "Practice is over?" Will asks. "Ayup," Sean says like he's in a Stephen King novel. Ray wakes up and asks if this is still the same damn episode. I tell him it is. He is now watching it to spite the show's cast members. "I'm stronger than they are, dammit," he growls. Will apologizes for being late, saying that he was held up at the diner. "Oh, it's good to see you're keeping in touch with the little people." This is such a lame story line, can I tell you? Will asks if Sean is looking forward to his party tonight. "You remember where I live, or do you want me to draw a map?" Man! Lame! Lameness! Imprisoning me! All that I see! Absolute crapfest! I cannot live! I cannot die! Trapped on my couch! TV my holding cell! Random pecs walk in front of the camera again as Will asks Sean if he's "taking this act on the road." The long and winding road, I'm assuming. GET ON WITH IT! END THIS SCENE! Thank you.
Cut to the party. Ray immediately begins laughing about the giant bonfire these kids have built in the center of this perfectly manicured lawn. And for poor Townies, these kids sure have nice homes. I'm just sayin'. Easily twelve rooms in the place. "So is this one of those all-nighters?" Scout says to Will, or Will says to Scout. "Might be," the other laughs. They sound the same with their backs turned. Couples do that after they've been living together for a while. Scout says he's happy to meet Will's friends. He asks if he's going to be the "token Rawley geek." Pause to watch Bella through a window. "Now you know how I feel every day at school," Will says all serious, because he has to bring every mood down. It's a party, people. And what would a party be without red cups that hold no fluids and absolutely no smoking? That's right. A real party. Scout spots Sean leaning against a railing and tells Will that he's going to go inside. He makes it seem like he's doing that to avoid Sean, but we all know the sweet sister-booty is just inside those walls.
Will walks over to Sean and his friend and Sean immediately goes in with, "Didn't know they let you out at night to party with the locals." "All right, enough," Will says for the rest of us. "I haven't been the one avoiding you," Sean says while gesturing with his empty red cup. He slurs just a bit, so we're supposed to think that he's drunk. It's like when the new ex-girlfriend shows up at the party and she's all drunk with makeup running down her face while shouting, "He never made me come, anyway!" You just want to hide your eyes. Will apologizes. Close-up on Sean as he says, "'Scool. Whatever, man. I'm over it." Oh, they got back together. Sean takes a "sip" and looks through the window. Through this window you can also see Bella, but she's standing all close and flirting with Scout. "You bring him?" Sean asks with much spite. Will says he's his roommate. "And now he's slumming it with the Townie chicks," Sean says. Who talks like this? Will says that Scout is "pretty cool" and "I thought your beef was with me." Beef. Sean says he doesn't have a problem with anyone. Some guy sitting to them says, "I gotta problem with you, Krudski. You're getting soft." As I wince from that line, random friend guy begins tickling Will's tummy. Will crunches in and giggles like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. I swear. Sean watches Bella and Scout do their mating dance a bit more, and he has to swallow the bile in his throat. So do I, Sean. So do I.
Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love. Verve takes a look to the left and the right. Terri walks in wearing a leather jacket and gloves. Verve comments that they're just getting her bike back, "not lifting the Mona Lisa." Ha. I like Verve. Terri takes off her gloves and follows Verve down the darkened hall. "I know the groundskeeper has it," he explains. "I used to sneak in here at night and steal lawnmowers...ride them around the lake." I can't hear the few lines because Rose and Ray are now screaming with laughter. "There's a good time for you!" "Jesus, that boy has really lived, you know?" Verve and Terri stand real close and slowly open the door.
The basement is dark and empty, so I don't know what all the suspense was for. They turn on their flashlights and spot the bike in the corner. They run over to it. I'm glad they aren't talking, because Rose and Ray are still squealing. As they reach the bike, a light flips on in the room to them. Verve and Terri duck behind the bike and see the groundskeeper sitting in his little room. "Jackass," Ray drones. "Riding a lawnmower around a lake. You jackass." Terri asks if they are going to be stuck down there. Verve explains that it's nine o'clock, so they'll be fine. "What, he gets off work?" "No. Felicity comes on. He never misses an episode. He even cries sometimes, I swear." They giggle, even though they know their show isn't nearly as good as the one the groundskeeper is watching. Ray rejoices as he's found the one man in Rawley that breaks their strict weight limit. As they get up to leave quietly, the groundskeeper shouts, "What are you doing?" They both freeze until he says, "Ben's in love with you, not her!" They laugh again and stand real close while they wheel the bike away.
Boring party. Scout walks over to Bella as if he hasn't been talking to her the whole time. They exchange "hi"s anyway. Bella puts the blue cup to her lips, but she doesn't take a sip or swallow anything. Scout stammers something about how it's fun to be at the party with her as a friend. An extra walks between the two of them and flirts with Scout. Bella tells Scout that the girl is named Gina. "Biggest feet on a girl I've ever seen." Smirk. They just stand there for a long time without talking. Scout leans in and puts his arm up by Bella's head, just like he's leaning in for a kiss, and asks Bella if he can tell his dad about her. She says no, and gets really upset because she likes her family the way it is and doesn't want to meet her real father. They get so upset, in fact, that Sean thinks that Scout is giving her some sort of problem and he walks up and fronts Scout. An instant brawl breaks out, and Bella calls Will over. I can't tell who is fighting because the lighting is so shitty, but the music stops, of course, and at one point after the fight has broken up for some reason Will just shoves the hell out of Sean and knocks him to the ground. Sean almost lets go of his red cup when he hits the ground. Almost. Will tells Scout to leave. "Nice friends you got, man. Nice friends." He shoves Will for good measure and leaves. Sean and Will stare at each other for a second in sadness, but that Nick Drake person starts singing about skies and things again, and Sean storms off. The guy wearing the number 22 jersey then delivers my favorite line of the night. He walks up to Will, flicks his head back and says, "Hey, Krudski. Maybe you should go too." "Maybe you should go," I expect Will to say back. "You!" "No, you!" As 22 walks away, the male extra who has been paired with a girl cops a feel of her breast by putting his arm around her waist. She picks her hand up and pulls his down while trying to stay "in the moment." The extras are the best thing about this scene. One of them clearly thinks that by putting his hand on his chin, he's showing how much this fight disturbs him. The one behind him is shaking his head back and forth, back and forth, all mouth-breathing and wide-eyed, because he just can't believe that two people as close as Will and Sean can be broken up by something like this.
Will sits outside his house and watches his mother fix a wig through her bedroom window. That might be the creepiest line I've written so far about this show. All we see of Will's dad is a beer bottle held up to the window. Then it pans up to his mother. She feels someone watching her and looks around, but Good Will Stalking is gone. My soul hurts.
Cue the car commercial with the same Nick Drake song. "Pink"? Is that what it's called? I'm so tired of this person and I really didn't know anything about him. Poor guy. ["It's okay to hate him. He's deceased." -- Wing Chun] I hate him because of Coca-Cola. I've never hated anyone over Coke before. The driver of the car looks a lot like Verve.
Bella walks into Scout's dorm room. Scout holds his face so we know he's really hurt. Bella and Scout have pointless lines about whether or not Will must still be at the party. Bella immediately starts nursing Scout's wounds. Wait. Yes. I did have this fantasy when I was thirteen and in love with a boy who didn't know I existed. He would end up punching out some creepy boy in the hall who tried to lift my skirt, and I'd take him back to his house while his parents were at work, and as I'd gingerly try to wipe the blood off his chin, he'd grab my wrist and kiss me passionately. But I was thirteen. I'm the one with the excuse. These writers aren't. Scout asks if Bella hangs out with Sean. She says he's a friend. "What, you're gonna tell me who to hang out with now, is that it?" Nice one, Bella. Now try saying it without your hand in his crotch. Means a little more. Scout asks how good a friend Sean is. "Ow," he says. "Sting?" she asks. "Good." Man. Man! This show is so bad. "What is it with guys and fighting anyway?" Bella asks the world's most timeless question. "It's like a stigma; I mean, you get hurt unless you do more damage or something. It's ridiculous." Wuh? Bella says that Scout overreacted. Scout says that Sean thought he was moving in on her. Bella says she's known Sean since they were in kindergarten and that she's seen him in his Underoos. They look at each other for a while, but don't kiss. "There's better out there, that's all I'm saying," Scout says. "Is it?" Stare. Stare. Slow nod. Stare. "Yeah." Stare. Stare. Kind of tears. Stare. Long stare. Ugh. End the scene. Please end the scene. Scout offers to walk her home. "Please. It's not like the first time I've been in a guy's dorm after hours." Nice. And what a waste of the trailer line they've been using all week. "Sarcasm, Scout. Look it up." She gets off the bed.
I take two Excedrin Migraine.
Steel Drums of Non-Gay Love. Terri thanks Verve for the help. They stand in the moonlight and stare at each other. Terri tells Verve that she's not gay. She promises him that she knows she's not gay. I try and imagine what this recap must look like to someone who didn't see the pilot, or read the recap of same. Terri apologizes for her "sketchy moment" and says that he doesn't have to feel weird around her. He says he does feel weird, but that he's trying to work on it. Cue the steel drums again. They talk about how they can't believe they pulled off the bike steal. "Thank God for the freight elevator," Terri says. "So Hardy Boys," says Verve. "Yeah. Meets Nancy Drew." D'oh! Both Terri and Verve look at each other and think, "That's so gay." Whatever.
Someone throws an African-American man a softball. Woo-hoo! Go WB! Sean has kicked Will out of the game. The African-American is named Ralph, and he's on time all the time, so Ralph's the new Will. Sean says that Ralph's "one hundred percent committed." Oh, man. Will goes, "Wait a minute. Is this about..." And Sean goes, "Will, forget about all that other crap. You left us no choice!" Forget it. It doesn't matter. Will's kicked off the team. Out of the game. He goes to leave as Finn pedals up. Does anyone have a car? Says he came to see the game. Will tells him to let him know how it goes. There. That's a recap. The rest is just pure crap and I like you too much to cause you any sort of pain.
Because it's time for Scout's Pecs! Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen, it's that time in the episode where Scout must take off his clothes for no reason at all! Huzzah! "He looks like Scott Wolf," Rose points out, so it's pretty much unanimous now. When he's mostly naked, we're having a party of six, if you know what I mean. Awwwww yeah. Will walks in, ruining everything, and mopes over to his side of the room. Scout asks if Will won his game. "Wouldn't know. Sean replaced me." "That is so lame. What's wrong with that guy?" Scout asks, as he puts his shirt back on. Damn. "Nothing's wrong with him! He had to make a choice!" Will is very defensive about his boyfriend. "If he's your friend he would have made a choice to support you." "I've known you for, like, two weeks, and you're trying to tell me who my friends are?" Everyone is tired of Scout's know-it-all-rich-boy attitude that we really haven't seen but are just supposed to assume he has. "You don't even know him, Scout," Will says. "All right, that's cool," Scout says, "Guy's a loser." "Hey! He's been my buddy since we were, like, eight years old." Will storms up to Scout and fronts him. Scout is only four foot three. "Well, maybe you should get some new friends." "And maybe somebody should finish what they started." "Oh, and that's going to be you!" Fight! Fight! Take off your clothes and fight! Damn. They walk off in two different directions. Damn. Pan up from Will's long-underweared crotch to his face. What season is it? Rose sighs. "I wish you recapped Buffy...or at least Angel." I know, sweet Rose.
Two random scantily-clad extras run by carrying something that looks like mops. I guess it's lacrosse or something. I don't know. I'm just a Townie. I don't understand your big-city sports. Will sits reading a book. I guess he's teleported. Finn walks in and says something about it being "quite a contrast to last week's frenetic pace." Aren't there classes? Is Finn the only teacher? Is it just English and Crew? What? Will and Finn recap the past few minutes yet again. Will goes on and on about Sean being his best friend but now he's got this new life and I'm just tired of Will's wailing and moaning. At one point I think he said, "It's umpossible," which is damn funny. Will says that Finn should just shut up because it's his life and not Finn's. I don't know what that means.
Will and Finn ride their bikes down the street together. That is the gayest sentence I've ever written. "Where'd you say we were going?" Will asks. "I didn't," Finn smirks. Crazy electric guitar as they pedal. A fire breaks out on my living room table and Rose starts screaming. A piece of mail had fallen into the candle and went up in flames by my head. As I pick up the burning paper, another piece falls into the flames. Ray picks up the candle. I put out the fire and sit back down. It feels good to have had some real drama and emotion in my apartment. We all sit back and have a cigarette in satisfaction.
They pedal for a long time. Finn pedals over to a house. He tells Will that he used to live there. Finn is a Townie, you see. His friends were really angry with him for going off to Harvard and getting a degree and stuff. Man, the people of Rawley really suck. So self-centered that they hate any sort of knowledge or furthering of personality. Finn says that he gave them all a chance to accept or reject him. He takes the water bottle from Will and drinks after him. I think that Finn is still wearing the earpiece of his headset. I'm not kidding. Something is hanging out of his ear, and they only film Finn in a profile shot. Maybe he just has a really deep earhole. Will says he doesn't want to leave anyone behind. "Does your friend know that?" Finn asks. "He should," Will says. "Well, maybe you should tell him," Finn says. Oh, get a room. Finn pedals away as Will goes into slow motion to watch Finn's house for some reason as we fade to black. "Oh, have a cock and a smile," Rose says. I love Rose.
thetruth.com has made a big point about their cool teen telling their forum posters off. Cool teen takes this commercial break to tell 420Agirl that tobacco companies should be blamed for teen smoking since most people start smoking in their teens. Um, truth? Yeah. Look, if her name is "420Agirl," she's not smoking cigarettes. Do some damn research. Hire a kid on the staff, okay?
Leading the battle of the bland plotlines, Bella walks up to Scout who is sweeping in front of the Friendly's. "Everything under control, Cowboy?" she asks for no reason. They just sit down, because it's not like there is anyone in this town who really needs food or gas. Scout says that he and Will "went to war over that whole Sean thing." Bella says, "Yeah, well, you aren't the only casualty. Will and Sean haven't talked since the party." Because we all care. "And that's my fault because...?" Scout says. I hate that. Bella says it's not his fault, she's just sayin'. Bella gets all serious and close-up-y to say that he's got to understand "[they] spend [their] entire lives sharing this town with guys like [him]." All seven of them. "You come from a completely different world. And now all of a sudden, Will's thrown into that world. I'm sure he feels like he doesn't fit in either right now. But I know he's trying, Scout." She tells him to cut him some slack: "Try to understand how it must be for Sean to sit on the other side of the fence and watch all of this." Scout says that Sean likes Bella. She laughs. He says he has a bird's-eye view of what's going on. She laughs that he said "bird's-eye view." So do I. I know that whole big-brother/little-sister protection thing, but this is gross. "Maybe I should think about building a spy-proof wall," she smiles. What the hell? Smirk. Eyebrow. Smirk. Blink. Blink. Lip chew.
The other Rawley boys are gathered around the television, cheering at some event. Terri walks over to Verve and asks what's going on. He tries to explain that it's wrestling, but you can tell that neither of them is even slightly interested in the "sport." Terri says, "So, thanks again for last night." The other boys all look over and get grossed out by the gay-wad vibes coming over from them. Terri says she's about to take her bike out and wants to know if Verve wants to come along for a ride. Verve feels that everyone must know he's gay so he gets all cool and doesn't answer her question, and keeps staring at the television. Terri gets upset and gets up to leave. She walks in front of the television, which should have exposed her as a girl right then and there, and stops to look at Verve. She leaves the room upset. Those are some of the worst extras I've ever seen. They just kept putting fists in the air and shouting, "Yeah! Woo!" all quietly.
Scout and Bella are flirting at the Friendly's counter. More boys walk in and take a booth. The Jack Black wannabe sing-songs, "We're starving! Some menus, please!" "Welcome to my life," Bella whispers to him, as if she's had to sleep with all of these guys. He gives them the menus and walks back to the counter. Will walks in and sits down. Because Will is only allowed to be angry at Scout for five minutes, he's instantly made up. "Cappuccino, sir?" smirks Will. "How 'bout I just blow some hot air into some milk?" "Why not? You seem to have enough of it, lately." Scout sets 'em up and Will knocks 'em down, people. Zing! Scout stares. Bella freezes with her straw in her mouth. Scout looks down. Will looks down and says, "You know, I signed you up for Celebrity Deathmatch." Scout says he's "psyched." What? What Celebrity Deathmatch? The Claymation? These kids haven't ever seen a talkie but they get MTV? Huh? Everyone laughs. One starved vein tries to reach out of Bella's forehead to snatch a bite of a cheeseburger, but she slaps it back in place. Everyone declares that they are "cool." Wannabe Jack Black says, "Tommy, I told you we're hungry. Just because the economy's good doesn't mean you get to slack off the work, huh?" I guess this means he goes to Rawley. No wonder they hate the Rawley kids. They get the worst lines. Bella says Jack Black must not recognize him. Scout says he recognizes Jack, though. Says he's Kyle Stratton. Scout goes into some John Houseman impersonation and says, "The economy is good and will remain good for those of us who invested wisely." Jack Black gives a double-take to end all double-takes. "Those of us whose fortunes ride on shaky tech stocks like strattontech dot com, better enjoy it while it lasts." Will chimes in with, "Yeah, because sooner or later those shareholders are going to realize their stocks are worthless and it's inevitable their bottom will fall out." Scout gives Will a look of everlasting love. Scout asks if Kyle would like an application with his order. "Who the hell are you?" Jack Kyle Black asks. "Just some Townie, sir." Instead of bitch-slapping Scout for saying that last comment, Will and Bella giggle into their hands. Jack Kyle Black and his friends stand up and leave (but not before he mutters, "Freaks"), ensuring that Friendly's didn't make a single dime that afternoon. "Let's just hope they'll need some service on their breaks this year," Bella says into her glass. Everyone looks shocked at Bella for hinting that she'd commit murder, and then they all begin laughing, as that's the very least of the crimes that the three of them have already done in the past two weeks. Plagiarism puts his arms around Incest One and Two and shares a warm moment with a cool, refreshing Coke.
Teleportation. Will is at the softball game, watching Sean pitch. One African-American man sits behind Will ("We need someone to play Ralph's dad! Quick! Is the sound guy black? Can we have him sit on this bench?"). And if you're keeping score at home, that's African-Americans: 3, Fat Guys: 1. We watch the catcher put his fingers in front of his crotch (you know they wouldn't miss that opportunity). As Sean goes for the third strike he glances a look at Will. Will nods. Sean nods back. They're in looo-huu-hooove. The guy hits the ball and Sean catches it. Sean throws the ball to Ralph on first to tag out the guy running back to first. Ralph tags the guy out. Game over. Ralph and Sean win the game, but Will knows it should have been him. Incredible cheering like Robert Redford had something to do with this game and Glenn Close is glowing in the stands. All of the boys throw down their mitts and have a group hug in the center of the field. Someone grabs Sean's tittie. Will laughs as Sean is being man-handled. Sean looks at Will and shouts, "Woo!" Will starts to walk off with his bike but stops to look at Sean. Sean stares at Will. Will stares at Sean. Will smiles and walks off. Sean looks back at his teammates and goes back to cheering. Sean looks back at Will again and gives a half-hearted, "Woo." Ha.
Will is riding his bike down Main Street. Sean stops him on his bike. "You kicked ass," Will says. "Long time comin'," Sean nods. Sean asks what it's like on the inside. "Rawley? Pretty intimidating." Sean asks why he wouldn't tell him. Will says that he figures one morning someone will figure out that he's "faking it." Oh, you mean like last week, Will? When everyone found out you faked it? He says that he didn't want everyone to see him fail. "Will! You're not going to fail. You got a scholarship. You're the smartest freaking guy I know. You're gonna own that place!" Ooh. I want a t-shirt that says "Smartest Freaking Guy." Will and Sean then go into the longest game of "Remember when" I've ever seen. Sean: "Remember when we were kids? [Um...like, last year? You're fifteen!] You had this way of looking at things. You make anything seem possible. I never told you this, but, because you were gonna be somebody? Made me feel that I was gonna be somebody too." Will: "Remember we'd hang out in the woods and get chased around by the Rawley groundskeeper guy?" Sean: "Was that guy a freak, or what? Oh, man." They sigh. Will: "Those were some good times." Okay, quick break here so we can all laugh at that line. Now, we're going back in. Will: "Remember that girl, Coralee, from elementary school?" As they walk off talking about how Coralee was asking about Will (Sean has now developed a Southern accent), Bella walks out of the gas station to look on approvingly at them. They kick each other, and run each other's bikes into their legs.
Time for Will's final thought. We watch Bella, Scout and Will sit at a table at Friendly's. They are, of course, the only people there. They eat ice cream sundaes because that's all you did on Sundays in 1957. "I wonder. If one day when you look back on your life, you'll see it's not always about the big picture. It's really all about the moments. And maybe one day you'll think back and you'll string all those moments together and then you'll realize when you add them all up? Your life is more meaningful than you could have dreamed." Daniel Stern calls me up and demands to know who stole the trashcan from The Wonder Years. "We called it 'shit' for a reason, Pamie," he growls. Pan back to the three kids flinging ice cream at each other as we fade to black. I wish all three of them would just start dating. It would make things easier.
week: Bella declares that she and Scout can't see each other anymore. That's because she's mugging on some Sean. "What are you, her brother?" Sean yells in Scout's ear. Hee. Minority alert! They let an Asian girl on the set! She tells Scout she wants to lose her virginity to him. She's twenty-nine years old. She then shoves her tongue down his mouth as the announcer says the words "Coca-Cola." For some reason, after two weeks of this show, whenever someone asks if I want a Coke, I get horny and then filled with shame. I'm a dirty, dirty girl.