The Truth, Part I

More running. This facility is enormous, and completely underground. Eventually, Mulder arrives at a steel door, the lock of which he picks with his own Handy Dandy Lock-Picking Kit. Do they hand those out on your first day at the academy? Because Doggett has one, too. Maybe they give them to you when you get assigned to the X-Files. Maybe I should get one. It might come in handy, you know? Mulder quietly pushes the door open and sneaks inside, placing the lock pick back into his breast pocket. He walks out on a catwalk overlooking a laboratory. It's sort of like The Initiative, in Buffy, except with more flattering lighting and walls suitable for rock-climbing team-building exercises. Mulder peers down into the lab. Below him, people scurry around; the suits are being given what looks like a tour while scientists do...you know, science-y things -- looking through microscopes, running around in white coats, the usual. Men in fatigues walk around holding guns and make menacing faces. It's basically your usual top-secret military laboratory devoted to studying alien DNA and making humans into a slave race. Mulder looks around, slightly nervous, and obviously thinking. He heads down a flight of stairs to a lower level of the catwalk, where he walks calmly for a few yards before bursting into a trot.

An access card -- filched from I know not whom -- lets Mulder into yet another underground hallway. This one leads him into a small room devoted to a very large clear plasma-screen computer monitor and a tiny little keyboard. I don't know why the monitor is so large. Maybe it doubles as a projector? Why I am even worried about this part of the plot? Anyway, Mulder sits at the keyboard and watches encrypted material stream across the screen. Looking thoughtful, he taps in a password. Then another. And another. Eventually -- and probably right before the system locks him out -- one works. The computer beeps, and the word "Endgame" pops onto the screen. Mulder is clearly surprised to see this. He shifts, hits a button, and is prompted for an access code. Which he types in, easily. Classified information begins scrolling across the screen. It reads: "December 22, 2012. The date set for mobilization of alien forces." Mulder blinks. He gulps. I make a note in my calendar.

Suddenly, a key card shoots through the door, which swings open to reveal our old friend, former CIA operative and everyone's favorite super soldier, Noel Rooooooaaaaaoooooooor. He stalks into the now seemingly vacant room, coming to a halt in front of the computer screen. He switches off the monitor and turns around just before Mulder cold-cocks him from behind. Despite being caught off-guard, Noel Raoaoaoaoaaaaorooooorrr quickly gains the upper hand, grabbing Mulder by the windpipe. He shifts to a wrestling stance, one hand on Mulder's shoulder, the other on his thigh. He tosses Mulder twenty feet across the room and through the computer monitor. Mulder shields his pretty, pretty face as glass goes everywhere. After the mess settles, Mulder leaps to his feet, and runs. Noel Roooooooaoaaaaaaar is hot on his heels.

Mulder runs and runs and runs and runs. Noel Rooooooooaaaaar chases him. Running. More running. Further running. Constant running. Enjoy the running while you can, because this episode is long and talky and look at what page we're on and I haven't even gotten to the credits yet. Noel Roooooooooaaaaar's gaining on him, so Mulder just stops in the middle of the hallway. Ahead of him is an open door. A man in silhouette stands in the doorway, looking at him. Mulder stares at the shadowy guy, then over his shoulder at the rapidly approaching Noel Rooooooaaaaaoar. He chooses the devil he doesn't know over the one he does, and bolts for the open door. He pounds over the threshold and comes face to face with Krycek, who slams the door in Noel Roooooaaaaaaar's face. "No! You're dead!" Mulder says. "Maybe. But I'm still pretty," Krycek retorts. Not really. I mean, he doesn't really say that; don't worry, he's still quite attractive. "Go. There's others" is what Krycek actually says. And whether he means that other dead people will show up just in time to lend our hero a hand, or that other super soldiers are on the way to kick Mulder's ass, remains to be seen. Mulder just stares at Krycek. Outside, Noel Rooooaaaar is flinging himself against the steel door, slowly breaking it down. Someone's set off an alarm somewhere; a klaxon blares loudly. Mulder turns to see military men coming toward him, guns drawn. He looks back toward Krycek, who's disappeared. Mulder makes a "huh" face, like he just saw a dog with three legs as opposed to a dead man disappearing before his eyes.

And Mulder takes off down yet another catwalk. (There are a lot of catwalks in this place, by the way. I feel like I need to include a rendering of Mount Weather's floor plan in addition to the recap for purposes of clarification). More running. Running. Running. Mulder shakes his little tush on the catwalk as Noel Rooooooooooaaaaaaar comes at him from one direction and the Military Guys With Guns come at him from the other. He scampers up a ladder. Noel Roooooooaaaoaoaoaoaoaor chases him. They're almost at the very top level of the complex, overlooking the laboratory. In other words, it's a long drop. Mulder's heading up another ladder when Noel Roooooooaaaoaoaoaoaoaor catches up with him, lifts him off the ladder and starts choking him. He leans Mulder over the edge of the railing and is about to finish him off -- and what a plot development that would be for the finale! -- when Mulder somehow uses his foot for leverage or something and flips Noel Roooooooaaaoaoaoaoaoaor over the railing in Mulder's place. Noel Roooooooaaaoaoaoaoaoaor lands on a electrical grid. The suits and the scientists stare up at them, as Noel Roooooooaaaoaoaoaoaoaor fries and Mulder dangles from the catwalk by one hand. He pulls himself to safety, grunting. Once safely back on solid ground, Mulder's met by those Guys With Guns. He's trapped.

Last. Credits. Ever. There's no change to the tagline, which surprises and disappoints me. At home, Chris Carter turns to his wife. "Shit! I knew there was something I forgot to do," he says.

We're in some kind of prison. A scary, secret, buried-deep-under-the-earth military prison, not some cushy white-collar joint or gritty Oz-type thing. Mulder's wearing a really ugly but probably very comforable orange jumpsuit. He lies on the floor in the fetal position. A Marine comes in and gets right into his face. "What are you thinking?" barks the Marine. "Where am I?" Mulder mutters, dazed. The Marine chuffs him with a baton. "Wrong answer!" he yells.

time: "What are you thinking?" "I'm thinking about getting the hell out of here." "Wrong answer!" This time, Mulder gets walloped in the gut. He collapses, moaning. He's not as young as he used to be, you know. The Marine turns to go. He turns back. "No sleeping!" he yells.

Time passes. The door opens. Mulder blinks in the bright light. "What are you thinking?" "About my son. About his mother." Ahhhhh, yeah. He better mean Scully, though, and not some chippie he married and knocked up while he was gone. Bang! "Wrong answer."

Round four: "What are you thinking?" "What do you want from me?" Mulder sighs. "Wrong! Answer!" the Marine yells, punctuating each exhalation with a smack of the bat. Oh, man, they're brainwashing Mulder! The Marine raises the baton one last time and Mulder grabs it. They tussle, and the military man eventually gets the upper hand, pressing the weapon against Mulder's windpipe. "I want answers, you hear me? I want answers!" he grits. I think that guy posts on the forums. Mulder grunts and pushes him off. The Marine slams out of the cell.

And...back in again! "No sleeping!" the Marine says. Mulder's lying naked on the cement floor, sort of sleeping, I guess. I can't image you could sleep all that well if you're being held in a mysterious military prison, no matter what you're wearing. Or not wearing. "Did you hear me?" the Marine asks. Mulder says quietly that he did. "What are you thinking?" the Marine asks. "What should I be thinking?" Mulder asks. "You're a guilty man. You entered a government facility illegally in search of NON-EXISTENT INFORMATION! You failed in every respect!" the Marine yells. "Say it!" he commands. "I am a guilty man. I failed in every respect," Mulder parrots quietly. "I deserve the harshest punishment for my crime." The Marine holds the bat above him threateningly. Mulder closes his eyes, broken. The Marine doesn't hit him, but leaves instead, slamming the door behind him. Mulder sighs.

Scully and Skinner enter the prison, showing their badges to the guard. Scully looks jittery. She's white as a sheet. "How long has he been here?" she asks Skinner, who tells her that he's been trying to find that out, but he can't get a straight answer from anyone. "Who called you?" she asks, as they're led down the hall. "Kersh," Skinner says, explaining that he doesn't know who informed Kersh. All he knows is that they're holding Mulder "indefinitely." "What for?" Scully asks. "Murder of a military man," Skinner gruffs. Scully looks like, "Not again." And I know this is expositional and all -- except for the part where we all already know it -- but I think they probably would have covered this on the way to the prison. What were they talking about in the car? Was Scully like, "So, Mulder, huh?" And Skinner was all, "Apparently. So, you are not going to believe the stupid fight I had with John last night. He wants to retire from the Bureau and open a House of Pies upstate." ["I so wish that was a planned X-Files spin-off: John and Walter's House of Pies, this fall on FOX!" -- Wing Chun]

A guard lets Skinner and Scully into a dark room, where Mulder waits in his fancy jumpsuit. The guard stands there, watching the reunion. Mulder doesn't turn around. Scully looks at his back for, like, twenty minutes. His head is moving like he's talking to himself. Skinner looks very concerned. Scully looks sad and scared and very small. "Mulder?" she asks. He turns and looks at her. "Dana," he says. Oh, something's very wrong with him. Scully embraces him. "Oh, my God," she breathes. Mulder looks unbearably sad over her shoulder, as she nuzzles her head in the crook of his neck. She pulls back to look at him. He furrows his brow. "You okay?" he asks calmly. Oh, duuuude. He's brainwashed. God. I can't believe they brainwashed Mulder. Man, could Scully's life get worse? "Am I okay?" Scully repeats tearfully. "Mulder, I haven't seen you in such a long time." She touches his face gently. "I was so worried." Mulder looks at her like she's the brainwashed one. "Well, it's okay. I'm all right," he assures her. "They're treating me really well in here." Scully's mouth drops open just a hair. "What's happened to you?" she asks. Mulder smiles like a simpleton. "Nothing," he tells her. "I'm squared away." The color drains completely from Scully's face. Mulder looks up at Skinner. "Oh, hey, Walter. It's good to see you, man." Okay. Something is wrong. With all the first names? He's either completely broken, or this is going to turn out to be like that time on when Donna was being attacked in her bedroom and David comes into the apartment and she calls him "Dave" and he knows that something's really wrong and he bursts in and saves her. Skinner wonders gruffly if Mulder is aware of why they're holding him -- if he knows how severe the charges against him are. "Oh, yeah, we're clear on that," Mulder chirps. "You're clear on what?" Skinner gruffs. "My crime," Mulder says. Scully raises a teary brow. "I murdered a man, Dana," Mulder tells her. "I went looking for something that didn't exist and I made a terrible mistake. I should be punished severely," he says almost cheerfully. Scully doesn't understand this. Skinner just shakes his head and reminds Mulder that no matter what he did, he still has the right to a lawyer and the due process of law. "I don't think you heard me," Mulder says calmly.

"Time's up," the guard announces. "We're going to get you out of here," Scully tells him. "Why is that? I'm a guilty man," Mulder says. "Time's up," the guard reiterates. Scully looks intensely perturbed. "Uh, excuse me," Mulder says, and then turns his back on her. Skinner and Scully are the very picture of concern and consternation. Skinner stalks off. Scully shoots Mulder one last flabbergasted glance, then follows her boss out of the room with one final sad look back. "I don't understand," Mulder mutters toward the wall. "Why are you helping me?" It's Krycek. "Because you can't do this alone," Krycek tells him. And then the guard drags Mulder back to his sad, cold little cell.

FBI HQ. Doggett and Moronica. Still liking her flippy, flippy hair. My hair is also somewhat flippy, so I'm taking that as a shout-out to me. Although I've never made a secret of disliking Moronica, so it might be the insulting kind of shout-out. Anyway. "You saw him? Mooooouldar?" Doggett asks. Scully explains that he's in jail for murder. "Of who?" Doggett asks "[Noel Rooooooaoaoaoaor]," Scully says. Again, with the exposition of stuff we, the audience, already know. Doggett sputters that it can't be. "I watched Noel Roaoaoaoaoaoaoaor die," he says. "He can't die -- Noel Roaoaoaoaoar's a super soldier," Moronica says. Oh, here we go again. Now the characters can't even agree on what the hell is happening. This might be a good time to remind everyone that the episode last week was about The Brady Bunch instead of something that might have started clearing all of this the hell up. Skinner explains that Mulder was apprehended at Mount Weather: "The place where they say our so-called 'shadow government' is installed." Hang on: which shadow government is this? The Super Soldiers? Some other X-Filesian shadow government? Or is he talking about that super-secret bunker where they're keeping Dick Cheney these days? Oh, whatever. That's the least of our problems. Moronica asks what the charges are. "Thirty government workers are ready to testify that they saw Mulder push a man to his death," Skinner says. Um, excuse me. We KNOW THIS. We have, what? An hour and forty-five minutes left? Let's go! Now Doggett's making some noise about how Mulder couldn't possibly have killed a man who can't be killed. I guess he changed his mind in the last five minutes and he didn't actually see Noel Raoaoaoaoooooooor getting killed because all of a sudden, he's saying that Noel Roaoaooooooooar can't be killed. I'm getting this sharp shooting pain behind my eye. Scully makes a face and stomps out. "Where are you going?" Doggett asks. "To beg mercy with the man upstairs," Scully announces shortly.

Cut to the Brig at Quantico. I love that phrase, "the brig." I might start calling my apartment "the brig," as opposed to what I call it now ("the fortress of solitude," naturally). Kersh knocks on the door of some bigwig, played by William Devane. William Devane looks up from his notes and asks Kersh to take a seat. "Thank you," Kersh says, sitting down. William Devane remarks that they've both got a bit of a problem with this Agent Mulder person. Agent Mulder -- who, may I remind you, is no longer even employed by the FBI, so I don't know why Kersh is even involved. Kersh snarks that Mulder has always been problematic, more or less, but it's never been this serious. Yeah, except for all those other times when he killed a dude. Or disappeared. Or ditched Scully. Or broke into a government building. Or, well, you know, really anything he did over the course of an average week. "I've been asked by a female agent, Mulder's closest associate, to beg mercy of the military court," Kersh grits. "To give Mulder every consideration based on his good character." I'm sorry, I have a really hard time seeing Kersh, of all people, vouching for Mulder's good character. Although I guess Kersh is the person who told him to go on the lam, so...oh, it's too late in the game for that argument. Whatever. Let's wrap some shit up. Let's get some answers! Let's go! William Devane remarks that "this would look bad for the Marines if it didn't look worse for the FBI." Which, as I've already pointed out, no longer employs Mulder. I really don't understand why the FBI doesn't just wash its hands of Mulder, frankly. Of course, when it comes to that, I don't know why they didn't just kill him at Mount Weather and say that he was shot in self-defense. I mean, I know that, for the purposes of the plot, Mulder has to be alive and I certainly don't want him to die, but...well, you know. ["Seriously. What's the point of being a shadow government if you don't just disappear troublemakers without a trace?" -- Wing Chun] William Devane wonders how Mulder plans to plead. Kersh just looks constipated. "You wanted a chance to clear up this mess, Mr. Kersh," William Devane says. "I'm going to give it to you -- give it to the FBI." Kersh shifts in his chair. "How?" he asks. William Devane is arranging a "fair hearing" for Mulder "by his own agency." Kersh looks impassive. "Your prosecutor, your judge, and held in my court," William Devane offers. "That can't be legal," Kersh grumbles. William Devane just shrugs. Kersh wants to know why he's doing this. "I want a verdict. A guilty verdict," William Devane says, pointing out that Mulder has made "a lot of enemies. He's a crusader." And according to William Devane, "A lot of people don't like a crusade." Kersh shakes his head. This totally illegal military tribunal thing makes him very uncomfortable. "You and I both know there are forces inside the government now that a man would be foolish to disobey," William Devane warns him. Kersh looks flustered. The violins swell.

A guard lets Scully and Skinner inside Mulder's cell. He turns and stares at them blankly. The guard closes the door, leaving them alone. "Mulder?" Scully asks hesitantly. "I smelled you coming, Clarice," he says to her, doing his best Anthony Hopkins. Scully blanches. Skinner's eyes are bugging out of his head. Mulder bursts out laughing. Oh, thank God. I couldn't have sat through two hours of Brainwashed Mulder. "Dammit, Mulder. It's not funny to see you putting on that act," Scully yelps, relieved. Mulder smiles -- genuinely, not the Creepy Brainwashed Mulder Smile -- and tells her that what's not funny is what they do to you in the clink if you don't put on that act. Then he walks right over to her, takes her face in his hands and kisses her. I think I just heard some girls down the street squealing. Oh, that was me. By the way, they're still kissing. I wish it wasn't so dark. I can't even tell if they're using tongue. Oh, did I say that? I surely don't know why, since I have no interest in such things. Yeah, still kissing. Kissing. They pull apart for a moment, then Mulder kisses her again. Skinner's blushing and discreetly staring at the floor. "Come here, you big bald beautiful man," Mulder snarks, reaching out to Skinner. Skinner snips that the only thing Mulder's going to be kissing is his "ass goodbye" with all the trouble he's in. "I kind of gathered that, right around the fiftieth brainwashing session," Mulder says, putting his arms around Scully and then taking her hand in his and kissing it. Okay, can I just be totally biased and girly and completely destroy what little recapper's objectivity I have left and squeal that Mulder is totally dreamy and I want him to kiss my hand while we're trying to figure out how to spring him from the pokey and I worry about how to tell him that I farmed our miracle baby off to a bunch of farmers? Whee! Sorry.

Scully asks, worried, why they're doing this to Mulder. He just gazes at her all moony and tells her that they're preparing him for his testimony. Judging from the amount of dreamy staring we're getting in this scene, I get the impression that Mulder missed her. And why shouldn't he have missed her? She's the only person who ever listened to him, after all. Never underestimate the attraction of having someone to pay attention to your crackpot theories. ["It's the total basis of my marriage." -- Wing Chun] Skinner grumbles that Mulder's testimony isn't going to matter -- "not with the case they're building." "Not 'building' -- rigging," Mulder snorts. Skinner's like, "Exactly, dumb-ass." "You're on trial for your life," Skinner says. Mulder corrects him, saying that his trial is "a foregone conclusion." Skinner raises a brow. "What they really want is for me to admit my guilt and help them out," Mulder says. "What's really on trial is the truth." That clunking noise you just heard was that line falling flat, despite Duchovny's best efforts to save it. Scully points out rumor has it that he killed a man. "Have they produced a body?" Mulder asks. Skinner and Scully look at each other like, "Hey! Good point! Why didn't we think of that?" Mulder says out that they won't, because you can't kill a man who can't die. Scully searches Mulder's face as Skinner breaks the bad news that, body or no, the prosecution has thirty people to testify that they saw Mulder kill Noel Roooaoaoaoaoar. We KNOW! Thirty people! Willing to testify! Heard it three times already! Moving. Right ALONG!

"Mulder, we'll get you the best lawyer," Scully promises. "I've got a call in to Jackie Chiles." Mulder just smiles at her. "To defend a man who believe in aliens against the FBI and the military? It's never going to happen," he says, shaking his head. Skinner can defend him. Hearing this news, Skinner looks at Mulder like he just sprouted an extra ear in the middle of his forehead. Mulder explains that Skinner knows all the details of the case, and, besides, Mulder trusts him. "Trust no one," Skinner says, ripping off his face to reveal, underneath, the bones of CSM! Not really. Instead, he just stares at Mulder blankly and makes a mental note to dig up those tapes of L.A. Law that Doggett's got up in the attic. Scully makes some noise about Mulder being, you know, incredibly dumb about this, but he just smiles at her and promises that he knows what he's doing. Before she can smack some sense into him, the cell door swings open to reveal Moronica and Doggett. "Whoo, now it's a party!" Mulder says. "Agent Muuuuldah," Doggett drawls. Scully immediately asks what's wrong. "Nothing," Moronica says. "Other than the fact that your boyfriend's probably going to be put to death at the end of the couple of days. We just felt left out, since you guys get to do all the making out and stuff." Actually, Doggett tells them that he and Moronica heard that Noel Roaooaoaoaor's body just turned up. David Duchovny makes a face like he can't remember his line.

7:12 AM. Mulder sleeps on the floor of his cell. Scully creeps inside and kneels to him, patting his leg to wake him up. "Mulder, it's me," she says. For the last time. "Is it time to go?" he asks. "That's why I'm here," she says sadly. Mulder rolls stiffly into a sitting position. "Mulder, I need you to talk to me. Confide in me. Or we'll lose," she tells him. "We can't win, Scully," Mulder tells her quietly. "We can only hope to go down fighting." Scully looks at the floor, and tells him haltingly that he's scaring her. "Mulder, I'm so scared that I just got you back and now I'm going to lose you again," she sniffs. Mulder just looks at her. "I know what I'm doing," he says. Scully blinks tearfully. "Well, whatever you're doing, you have no idea how much has already been lost," she says, cocking the Eyebrow of Great Pain. "What I've had to do," she snuffles. "I do know. Skinner told me," Mulder says. Skinner? Told him about William? Off-screen? Yet another stellar dramatic choice from 1013 Productions! Because a scene where Scully tells Mulder that she was forced to give their NotAlienNotMiracleBaby up for adoption would be far too interesting and moving and dramatic, and would take up valuable time away from the Exposition of Stuff We Already Know. Scully nods, biting her lip to keep from sobbing out loud: "Our son, Mulder. I gave him up. Our son." She sobs. He pulls her into his arms. "I was so afraid you could never forgive me," she sobs into his shoulder. "I know you had no choice," he tells her. She closes her eyes. "I just missed both of you so much," he mutters into her hair. "God, where have you been? Where have you been hiding?" Scully asks. "The crowd at Target was murder," he tells her. Actually he was in New Mexico. "Doing what?" Scully asks. "Adgfndb dsjskgt wyelsa," Mulder mumbles into her neck. The closed captioning translates this to "looking for the truth." Scully snorts a chuckle at this completely unsurprising revelation. Mulder, too. She kisses the back of his head. "You found something, didn't you?" she asks. He pulls away, the better to gaze at her dreamily. "What did you find?" Scully asks. He opens his mouth, but no words come out. "I can't tell you," he finally says. "You found something at that facility?" Scully asks. "That's what you were doing, right? Mulder, what did you find there?" Mulder looks right at her. "Scully, I can't tell you," he says. "Mulder, that doesn't make sense!" she hisses, tearfully. "You've got to trust me, Scully," he tells her. "I know things it's better you don't." She just stares at him.

Cut to an empty, sunless room that's been set up as an impromptu courtroom. Skinner walks in to the tune of the theme song, set in a minor key. He looks around the room helplessly before putting his briefcase on a table. "Assistant Director Skinner?" calls a younger man, just behind him. "I'm Special Agent [Gobbledygook]." But I know him as Dale Edson, Carter's smarmy surgical nemesis from ER. So let's just call him Dale. Dale's acting as prosecutor. He used to be a Federal Prosecutor in D.C. before joining the FBI, he says. He goes and sits on his side of the room. Skinner takes his own seat and looks perplexed by the turn of events that lead to his being here in this bizarre capacity.

Enter the tribunal, one of whom is Kersh. Actually, I think Kersh is the judge, which seems...oh, whatever. The tribunal is made up of the Toothpick Chewing Man, and a bunch of random white guys we've never seen before. The guards bring in Mulder, who didn't even get to change out of his Ugly Orange Jumpsuit into a suit. Dale opens the case by telling the jury that he's calling no witnesses, but instead submitting the sworn testimony of thirty eyewitnesses. Skinner's turn: he moves to dismiss, on grounds that this entire exercise violates Mulder's right to a fair trial. Kersh doesn't care. "I suggest you call a witness," he says. Instead, Skinner asks for a delay, because his central witness (Marita Cornucopia!) "works for the UN, and [he] can't locate her." And he's not getting any help from the government in finding her either, he grouses. Does Marita really still work for the UN? I can't believe she wasn't run out of town on a rail, at least to shut her up. At the mention of Marita, Mulder shoots Skinner a surprised look. Kersh denies the request for a delay and tells Skinner to call another witness. Skinner stiffly agrees, but announces that he's doing so "under protest." Kersh scoffs that the panel's "judgments and rulings are sovereign. There is no record." Skinner's eyes bug way out. "Excuse me?" he spits. Mulder sucks on his lower lip. "This isn't a secret tribunal, as you so kindly informed me," Skinner sputters. "It's a court of law." Kersh purses his lips. "A military court of law," he says, and I'm taking the italics there in the closed captioning as a shout-out to me from the closed captioners. Thanks, guys! Mulder looks up at Skinner and quietly assures him that it's okay. "Try your case," he says. Skinner huffs and puffs.

"My name is Dana Katherine Scully," the first witness begins and I guess we should just be happy that at least the writers remembered her middle name. Skinner starts explaining the entire background behind Scully's partnership with Mulder -- how she was assigned to spy on him, then grew to trust him, and blah blah blah, I can't believe we're starting with the pilot. By the way, did you know that Scully is a medical doctor? Because, just in case you forgot, she is. And a scientist. Who do they think is watching this, anyway? I promise you, 1013, anyone watching the series finale is aware of the fact that Scully is the Skeptical Scientist and Mulder is the Big Believer.

Twenty-five long expositional minutes later, Skinner establishes that, somewhere along the way, Scully started to believe in "extra-terrestrial life" and a conspiracy inside the government to keep that alien life a secret. (This trip down Exposition Highway is sponsored by various educational clips from episodes past: alien babies in liquid nitrogen, Deep Throat getting shot, the usual). Skinner leads Scully down the garden path of the mytharc, beginning with the assumption that all human life is extra-terrestrial by definition. Dale would like to know what this has to do with Mulder killing that dude. Skinner informs him that Scully will prove that the government has been covering up the existence of extra-terrestrial life. Wow, she will? How exactly is she planning to do that? Because if it's that easy, I don't see why she had to wait until Mulder was all on trial for his life and shit, instead of whipping it out to The New York Times three years ago. Kersh yelps that "the government is not on trial," but Skinner counters that the government's actions are integral to his defense.

Then Skinner gets back into it. "So, a meteor crashed to earth," he says, "and along with the biological building blocks on it, there was something else. An alien virus." Scully agrees, and explains that said virus infected early man and transformed his physiology (this is accompanied by shots of Grok and MaGrok mucking around in the black oil during the opening scenes of the movie). "Into something else?" Skinner prods. "Into an alien life form himself," Scully says. Skinner'd like to know what happened to this form of alien, so Scully tells him they died during the ice age (wasn't the ice age prior to the advent of early man? I honestly don't know, since all of my knowledge of the early stages of life on this planet comes from the stuff Ross Geller says on Friends). According to Scully, the virus lay dormant underground until it surfaced "during our current geological period." Skinner asks if the government knows about all of this alien hoo-ha. Scully informs him that the government "became aware" in 1947, when a UFO crashed in Roswell, New Mexico. "The virus thrived underground in petroleum deposits," she explains. "It has sentience. It can think. It has the ability to communicate. And it communicated with the UFOs." This revelation is accompanied by further relevant clips: the oil drifting across the eyeballs of the kid in the movie, across Krycek's eyes, across the eyes of the Alien Bounty Hunters. I feel like I ought to be taking notes, but I think I know all this, since I've been watching this show for more than twenty minutes. "And the government knows this, too?" Skinner asks. Scully glances over at Mulder. He watches her proudly as she explains that the government captured aliens from the Roswell crash and salvaged various alien technologies from them (cue shots of CSM and Bill Mulder, looking shifty and uncomfortable, respectively, and staring at strange bits of...you know, alien stuff). "They learned about the alien plan to recolonize the earth," Scully testifies.

Skinner sighs and reminds us that Spender and Mulder are related, because CSM slept with Teena Mulder. We know! Moving! On! To the ass-kicking! Mulder sits there and looks irritated. Blah blah blah, Bill Mulder didn't want to be in the conspiracy, but he didn't have a choice. Then when Mulder started digging into shit, CSM had Krycek kill him. Bill Mulder, I mean. Not Mulder. And again, I say: we know. Yada yada, Bill Mulder felt sort of bad about giving Samantha to the aliens as human collateral and unfortunately Mulder saw her being abducted and then I guess Mulder had some issues with that, or something. Over on his side of the room, Mulder looks stony. Yes. We know. Samantha: a bit of an issue for Mulder. This isn't answering any questions, people! I think even people who've never seen this show know that Mulder's sister was abducted by aliens and it drove him over the edge. Skinner asks Spender what ever happened to Samantha. "She was adopted by a family in Mexico," Spender says, "and then grew up and became an FBI Agent. I think you know her. Moronica Reyes?" I wish. Actually he says some crap about how Samantha was "returned" and raised with him in California. "She was taken many more times and suffered horrible tests," Spender says. Skinner reminds us that Mulder...well, sometimes he'd look around for Samantha if he got a spare second in the day, and sometimes he thought he found her. But he hadn't, usually. Spender explains that Samantha was cloned (does he tell us why, exactly? No), but that "she herself died in 1987." This is accompanied by a shot from the Episode That Will Not be Mentioned. Um, isn't that math wrong? I thought she died in 1978. Is that right? I don't know. Anyway, Samantha's dead, and there's nothing any of us can do about it. And then CSM shot Spender and made him all Crispy by subjecting him to similar testing.

Dale's witness. Dale is really sorry about Spender's "suffering," and states that his father "must be brought to justice." Spender believes that his father is dead. This opinion is accompanied by a shot of the Fall Down the Stairs That Wouldn't Kill Anyone, Much Less CSM. ["Seriously. He's CSM, not Elaine Stritch, for god's sake." -- Wing Chun] Dale nods and looks at a file folder. He says that Spender is allegedly there as a character witness for Mulder, but in his reports, he describes Mulder as "arrogant, difficult, a control freak; widely disliked by his peers." Dale looks at Spender with a raised brow. Spender gulps, and explains that those reports were all written before he knew "the truth." Dale nods, and keeps reading from the report. Apparently, Spender thought Mulder was also "unstable and prone to violent outbursts." Spender looks apologetically at Mulder as Dale dismisses him.

And finally, we get out of that damned courtroom and pay a visit to Weed Hope, New Mexico. Oh, please. Weed Hope? That has to be a shout-out. A kid rides his motorbike across the desert and into a small settlement of trailers. He kicks the bike to the ground and bounds into one of the RVs. "You found out about Mulder? You found out he's in trouble?" Gibson Praise asks, coming out of the back room. The kid nods. Gibson, by the way, has had something of a growth spurt in the last year or so. He looks more like Frohike Version 2.0 than ever. Except less grizzled. "I'll get ready now," Gibson announces.

Prison. Scully enters Mulder's cell alone. "I know why you're here and what you want. I can't give it to you," Mulder says. Must. Not. Make. Sex joke. Scully cuts right to the chase, pleading with Mulder to make a deal and plead to a lesser charge. Maybe they'll let him walk, she says. "I'd rather die, Scully," Mulder says. Sweet, sweet, Mulder, you're so fucking selfish sometimes. "How can you say that? How can you say that, Mulder, to me?" Scully asks, a little angrily. And now that I think about it, despite the fact that I'm sure Scully is incredibly happy to have Mulder back, since he's her best friend and she loves him, I imagine that a large part of her is really pissed at him. He's been on the lam for ages, leaving her to deal with their baby all alone (which, in the long run, she couldn't do), and then when he finally comes back, he's in jail for killing a guy and he doesn't seem to care if he gets the death penalty or not! Like, Mulder? Do you love Scully, or what? Then maybe it's time to think about someone other than yourself for five minutes. You know, like the grief-stricken mother of your child who also happens to be your partner and your best friend? She might need you around for a little while. Oy.

Anyway. Mulder is under the impression that this whole thing is "greater" than either of them. Scully makes some noise to the effect that she's sure that's very nice, but she hasn't had sex for a very long time and she'd like him to at least get out of jail so she can get laid again before she dies. "This is about everything we've worked for for nine years, the truth we've both sacrificed so much to uncover and to expose," Mulder tells her. Scully finally yelps that he needs to "take the stand" and tell everyone whatever it is that he's been withholding. "Take the stand and hit them with it, full force," she tells him. Yeah! Full force! Come on! Come on! "I can't," Mulder tells her. Scully glares at him. "You say this is greater than us, and maybe it is," she snaps. "But this is us fighting this fight, Mulder, not you." Go, sister friend! She adds, "You and me. That's what I'm fighting for, Mulder -- you and me." Scully gives him the full-on girlfriend stink-eye. Mulder just sort of shakes his head and looks at her helplessly. Scully slams her hand on the ground, crawls to her feet and storms out. Mulder grimaces. Yeah, well played, buddy. I have a feeling that I know who's going to be wearing the pants in this relationship if you ever get out of the pokey, and it's not you.

"Get up," a male voice barks. Mulder's all, "Huh?" And X walks out of the darkness. Mulder makes a "neato!" face and asks what X is doing there. Since he's, you know, dead and all. X grouses that he's there to ask Mulder the same question. "I'm putting the truth on trial," Mulder says. Clunk. "What truth? Whose truth?" X asks. "Do you think these men will even hear it?" I must admit that while a lot of the dialogue here is enormously clonky (and I suspect Chris Carter and Frank Spotnitz had a bet to see how many times they could work the phrase "the truth" into the script), I'm very excited to see some old friends. And X is fierce, yo. With the writing in blood when he died? That was sweet. I've never been happier to be unspoiled. Okay, I'll be happier in the recap of Part II, but let's pretend I don't know that right now. Mulder says something to the effect that the government flunkies are afraid or some shit that I didn't hear because I was too busy squealing about X. "They're not afraid," X says. "They have too much power to be afraid. You're going to learn that. I did. And this time, it's your thoughtless honky ass on the line." Well, maybe not so much that last part. "You'll die learning that," X actually tells him. Mulder looks up at X and announces that he's not afraid to die. Mulder and his damn martyr complex. It's pretty heartless of him to be so willing to die and leave Scully utterly alone, just because he's got a hard-on to prove a point. Don't get me wrong: I'm thrilled Mulder's back. But I forgot how immature and self-absorbed he can be. Good thing he's so extremely pretty. "There's a truth even you're afraid to speak now, because you know it's futile," X tells Mulder. Mulder corrects him: "Because I refuse to accept it," he says. X tells Mulder that he needs help. "How can you possibly help me?" Mulder asks. X rolls his eyes and hands Mulder a Post-It (it's nice to know they have office supplies in the afterlife, because I'm really pretty attached to my red Rollerball pen). Written on the Post-It is Marita Cornucopia's address. She's right on Maple Street, in Annapolis. So, basically, Skinner didn't look for her at all. I'm surprised he didn't run into her at Starbucks. Mulder looks at the note, then up at X. But X is gone. Mulder furrows his brow.

Casa Doggett. He's sitting in his sofa in a white t-shirt and what look like pajama pants, talking on the phone. He's on the trail of Noel Roaooooaooaaaaar's body. Moronica's wandering around the living room. "Son of a bitch hung up on me!" Doggett yelps, staring down at the phone. Moronica shushes him. "There's somebody in your yard," she hisses. By the back door. Drums. Guns. I'd like to take this moment to state that if they kill Doggett, I will be very, very upset. And who would have thought, when we first met Doggett, that many of us would have grown to like him so much? The bottom line is that Robert Patrick is a great actor and he ran with this character. I hope he gets as much work as he can handle from here on out. The two of them take their guns and head for the back door. And since my greatest fears are coming true and this is becoming the longest recap ever, let's just cut to the chase: it's Gibson's Native-American Friend (or GNAF). Doggett drags GNAF inside and asks what he's doing skulking around the yard. "I didn't want to endanger him," GNAF says. "What are you talking about?" Doggett asks. "Someone who wants to help Mulder," GNAF clarifies. Moronica and Doggett stare at each other.

Trial time! witness? Marita Cornucopia, looking pretty damn good, especially considering everything she's been through. On the other hand, maybe she's spent the last four years at Burke Williams, getting mud baths and paraffin wax treatments. She gets to go over her entire backstory (all of which, yes, we know): blah blah, used to work for the UN, yada yada Russia, blah blah blah blah blah. Marita explains to the court that she used the power that came with working for the United Nations to "further the interests of a group of men that called themselves the Syndicate." Skinner asks her to elaborate on those interests. "Developing an alien virus vaccine, before the Russians developed one," Marita explains. How were they doing that? Skinner wonders. "By testing innocent civilian subjects throughout the world. Test subjects were tracked by DNA identifiers in their smallpox vaccination scars," Marita says. All of this, of course, without the subjects' knowledge. Although people suspected, she says, telling the court that she saw people cut off their arms to avoid being tracked. "As happened to an American man you worked intimately with," Skinner says. Marita agrees. We're treated to a shot of Krycek, delicately using his prosthetic arm to dunk a tea bag in a pretty little cup. That shot cracks me up, for some reason. "Did you believe in the Syndicate? In their international conspiracy?" Skinner asks. Marita explains that she was paid for her influence, and that she actually began to hate the Syndicate, which is why she was willing to help Mulder. But then it all went to shit. Her perfidy was discovered, and she was turned into a test subject herself. "Testing what?" Skinner asks. "They were pretending to work with the aliens, to infect the entire population with the alien virus," Marita says. "But the conspirators were trying to save themselves, secretly and selfishly developing a vaccine. The conspirators believed all life in the universe had been infected with the alien virus, including a race of shape-shifting alien bounty hunters, who policed the conspiracy for the aliens," she says. "But they were wrong. And it led to the destruction of the conspiracy."