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Last recap ever. Okay, that's a lie. I'm going to recap a few classic episodes in the month or so, but then that's it! I mean, I'm still recapping Dawson's Creek and everything, but that's all! Okay: last recap of a first run episode of The X-Files ever. And, dude, I think I'm going to miss it.
Anyway. Hour Two. Have you read Part I yet? Go read Part I and then come back. We'll wait. Go ahead.
Okay, in case you have problems with short-term memory: prison guards have just dragged Mulder back to the brig after his "you can't handle the truth!" outburst in the courtroom. They toss him inside what looks like a drunk tank -- not that I'd know what a drunk tank looks like. Although I'm about five minutes away from having to create one for the action figures. Since their lukewarm reunion just prior to the kickoff of the finale, they've climbed into the Kleenex box together to watch the television and are sharing a thimble full of Long Island Iced Tea. When I looked over there to gauge their reaction to the big smacky kiss in Part I, the Scully was tapping her front teeth and telling the Mulder that her entire mouth was totally numb. They missed the whole thing.
So, Moronica, Skinner, and Doggett are sitting around, cooling their heels and waiting for Mulder in the drunk tank. They leap to their feet when he stumbles inside. "Where's Gibson?" Mulder asks. "With Agent Scully," Moronica says, "in good hands." Because everyone knows if there's one thing Scully has proved she can handle, it's taking care of a child with unusual and possibly paranormal abilities. She'd never let a kid like that fall into the wrong hands! Although I guess this means that William's going to get a big brother over at the Kent farm. That's nice for him. Gibson can read people's minds and William can throw stones at them using his brain (magnetite, schmagnetite). They'll be a very powerful, extremely short crime-fighting team. Doggett explains to Mulder that they've talked to Gibson and they're totally sensitive to Mulder's concerns. Mulder crosses his arms tightly and announces that they shouldn't have exposed Gibson to this kind of danger, period. Skinner gruffs that they did it to protect Mulder, and that it just might have worked. According to Gibson, three of the five judges are leaning toward Mulder. And also, Kersh was thinking that he might get a TiVo, because he keeps missing Passions, and he's sure Julian Crane is going to turn up any day, with one arm and an eye patch, and if he misses that (or the reunion of Sheridan and Luis or the fight that'll occur when Luis finds out that Sheridan has amnesia and has been accidentally sleeping with his long-lost brother while living on a deserted island this whole time or the shit storm that's going to come down when Evil Zombie Charity finally sleeps with Tiny Gay Miguel and it kills him), he's going to be wicked pissed. Mulder grimaces that it'll take more than three judges leaning toward him, the way things are going. "We were never going to win," he says. Skinner glares at him and testily advises him to take the stand. Mulder, for no discernible reason, refuses. "Then we'll testify -- me and [Moronica]," Doggett announces. Mulder's all, "Ix-nay on the estifying-tay." And yet, he has no problem with Scully taking the stand? I guess he figures her career is already in ruins, what with the love child thing and all. Moronica insists that she and Doggett have seen too much to keep quiet. "No," Mulder says. "Listen to me. They'll destroy you. They'll put you out on the street." Doggett shakes his head. "What's left for us on the X-Files?" he asks. Moronica nods. "We came to this job to give it our best. That's the way we're going to leave," she says. "It's not about how good you are. They control the game. They own it," Mulder tells them. "Then let's shove it up their ass," Doggett suggests. Yes! I want to see some people getting stuff shoved up their asses right about now! I mean metaphorically, of course.
This entire exchange does get me to wondering what Doggett and Moronica are going to do when this whole thing is over -- providing that they don't get killed in the hour or so. They're probably out of the FBI already, which means their careers in law enforcement are more or less kaput. I guess Doggett could become a grizzled, crusty (gay) private investigator working out of his Craftsman-style bungalow in upstate New York, fighting crime and saving lives. And Moronica could be his trusty, dorky, snorts-when-she-laughs sidekick, who has the unfortunate habit of tripping at crime scenes and dropping evidence bags into the gutter. Skinner would be the eye candy. Sundays, on FOX!
Back to the trial. I guess the "shove it up their asses" argument had some pull with Mulder, because Doggett takes the stand. Skinner gets up and wanders around the courtroom, thinking. His courtroom persona leaves something to be desired. Not his fault, of course, since he's not...you know, actually a lawyer. Doggett just waits patiently. Finally, Skinner asks Doggett how he feels about "the term 'paranormal,'" after everything he's seen and experienced. Doggett shrugs that calling something "paranormal" is just a way of avoiding "the real explanation." Skinner exposits that Doggett's notes contain detailed descriptions of something a skeptic would never buy into: "These so called Super Soldiers." Hey, you know what plot point I just remembered, that never went anywhere and was never mentioned again? All that crap about the genetically engineered water, from the season opener! What the hell ever happened with that? Maybe it will be explained in the hour. Hee. I'm sorry, excuse me. That just cracked me up. I mean, do you even think the folks at 1013 remember the water thing? Because I bet you five dollars and a tuna fish sandwich that they don't.
Wait, where were we? Right: Doggett. He calls the Super Soldiers "a whole different story" because he saw them with "[his] own eyes." Unlike, say, the ManBat or the Vomiting Shaman, which I guess he saw through someone else's eyes. Doggett reminds everyone -- for the seven thousandth time -- that Super Soldiers can't die. "They just come back to life," he explains. Skinner wonders what, exactly, the Super Soldiers are. "The best I can figure, they're some kind of secret military project. Ordinary men, made invincible," Doggett explains. Dale objects for some reason I didn't catch because I was in the kitchen, making a tuna sandwich. What can I say? It sounded good. Skinner reiterates that Noel Roaoooooaoaoooor is one of these Super Soldiers, and that because he can't be killed, Mulder can't possibly be a murderer. Dale points out that Doggett has no right to be commenting on any of this, since he didn't see the murder happen and he hasn't looked over the evidence. "That's because I've been getting the bum's rush from the government," Doggett snaps. Kersh sustains the objection. Skinner makes a very defeated face and asks Doggett how Mulder could possibly have killed Noel Rooooooaaar if Noel Rooooooaaaaaaaor is all invincible. Doggett agrees that Mulder couldn't have. Because the only way to kill a Super Soldier is with magnetite. God, why couldn't they have just stuck with the clones and the bees and the oil and virus? Because this entire Super Soldier plot line just smells incredibly tacked on. I will never understand why 1013 thought it would be a good idea to add yet another layer to the mytharc in the last two years of the series. Do they really want to drive half of us to suicide? Don't answer that. Although, while we're at it, I'd really like to know why the magnetite kills the Super Soldiers, but made William into a Real Boy, because I thought William was the first naturally born Super Solider. Or was it that he was the leader of the aliens? Maybe he just had his magical junk DNA turned on, like Gibson? But none of this explains why the Crazy Canadian Cult (or, as Gustave would say, the Krazy Kanadian Kult) wanted the head of Fox Mulder to ensure that William...oh, whatever. I've spent the last two years of my life trying to figure out William: why William? How William? Where William? What William? And now, I'm washing my hands clean of it. La la la la, the baby never happened! "And Mulder's not accused of [luring Noel Roaoaooaoaaoooor near to a source of magnetite and getting him sucked into a big rock] is he?" Skinner asks. "Um, no," Doggett says.
The Truth, Part II
“ Dale anemically objects, reminding Skinner that they're 'prosecuting a man for murder, not taking a trip down memory lane.' Oh, is that so? Because you could have fooled me. ”
Dale's witness. Dale kicks off his line of questioning by kissing Doggett's tired ass, saying that he'd never "doubt [Doggett's] integrity." Just as he knows that Doggett doesn't doubt Mulder's integrity. Doggett glares at him. Dale walks around the courtroom a bit, pondering his plan of attack and finally wonders if Doggett really thinks the Super Soldiers are aliens, the way Mulder does. "He believes they're aliens, you know," Dale repeats. Doggett shifts in his chair, as Dale muses that "the idea of an alien conspiracy" must be hard for Doggett to swallow. Doggett doesn't say anything, but he does look guiltily over at Mulder. Dale has one last question: "Agent Doggett, isn't it true that you and Assistant Director Skinner are lovers and you're trying to adopt a love child?"
It's Moronica's turn to take the stand. Skinner yammers a bit about her background covering cases involving Satanic ritual abuses and the fact that she never prosecuted one. Dale anemically objects, reminding Skinner that they're "prosecuting a man for murder, not taking a trip down memory lane." Oh, is that so? Because you could have fooled me. Skinner explains that he's establishing that Moronica is "level-headed on strange and extraordinary cases." If you say so, Skinman. He also announces that Moronica can offer "hard proof of the alien conspiracy!" And again I ask: since when does anyone have hard proof of anything on this show? Their lack of proof has sort of been the whole point of this entire exercise. And so then we talk a bit about Scully having to give birth in front of a bunch of crazy-ass strangers last year. Which we remember. Since it was a mere year ago. Moronica explains that everyone came to understand that William was a kind of "miracle child." First of all, no one came to understand anything about William. Second, is he a MiracleChild or an AlienBaby? Or a MiracleAlienBaby? Or...right, I've washed my hands of this. Moving right along. Moronica adds that that William's birth was all important to "these so-called Super Soldiers, who [Moronica believes] are humans replaced by aliens."
The Truth, Part II
Dale wonders why Scully's kid would be important to the aliens. I'm just going to take a little nap while we talk about this, okay? Moronica explains that "Scully was one of a number of random women who had miraculous childbirths." No shit. Did you watch Angel this year? Oy, poor Strega. Not to mention Theresa on Passions is having a demon child with a tail. Moronica says that these women had all been abducted as part of a government program to manipulate their biology secretly, and then used as surrogate mothers for alien babies, to create a slave race. But...William's not an alien, is he? I thought he was supposed to be the leader of the...until he...but because Mulder....and that prophecy....and then Krycek said that thing last season about how he...but he's...with the magnetite...is he...ouch, my head. I'm seriously dropping it now. I am. "You say Scully gave birth to one of these alien babies," Dale says "How can you be so sure of it?" Moronica explains that William can move shit with his mind. "I saw him display amazing powers," she says. Dale chirps that he would really love to see a demonstration of that! Moronica explains that William was "given up for adoption to an anonymous family." Mulder looks sadly at his lap. Dale nods. "She gave up the miracle child? The proof of everything that she and Mulder claim they risked their lives for for over the last nine years?" he asks. "She just sent it off, to some strangers?" This very reasonable -- although somewhat snide -- line of inquiry gets Moronica's dander up. "Yes! To protect him!" she snaps. That's all Dale needs to hear; he takes a seat. Moronica fumes. She leaps out of her chair. "You don't care about that child, or what Scully had to sacrifice!" she yells. "You're only too happy she had to give it up, so there's no proof!" Kersh mildly asks her to cram it, but Moronica just turns on him. "You don't care what these people have sacrificed over the past nine years!" she cries. "What's been lost to their cause! You make a mockery of it, glad that it proves your point." Kersh tells her that he's had quite enough from her. "What is the point of this?" she asks. "To destroy a man who seeks the truth, or to destroy the truth so no man can seek it? Either way? You lose." And she stomps out. Everyone is stunned that Moronica can actually speak at a normal pace. And you know what? Annabeth Gish did a good job there. I'm not going to start calling her "Monica," or anything, since I'm too lazy to train myself to type that with half a recap left, but, still: way to go!
Finally, we get out of the courtroom for five minutes. A car comes careening down a dark street, sliding into a parking spot in front of Scully's house.
The Truth, Part II
“ 'I found it,' Scully tells Mulder. 'What's going to get you off.' The action figures snicker uncontrollably at this. ”
Doggett and Moronica come on up to the House of Total Pain, Agony, Tears, and Deaths of Beloved Family Members (also known as: Scully's Place). Doggett announces that they might have found Noel Roooooaooar's body. "What are you talking about?" Scully asks. "[Noel Roaoaoaooooor] can't die; he's a Super Soldier." Wait. What? Noel Rooooooooaoaoaor is a Super Soldier? Holy crap! Why didn't anyone say anything? That changes everything. "Exactly," Moronica says. Apparently, the military's got a body they're saying is Noel Roaooaoaoaoaoaor's, but...it couldn't possibly be. Because he's...well, you know. Doggett tells Scully that he managed to get a dunderheaded Marine to transfer the body to Quantico. "We've got the car out front," he tells her. At this, Gibson comes wandering out of the bedroom. "Agent Scully?" he asks. Everyone looks at each other. "Agent Doggett can stay with him," Moronica says.
So the girls go to Quantico. They stare at the covered body for a long moment before Scully takes a deep breath and whips off the sheet. And the body is way crispy. Spender looks like Brad Pitt to this guy. "Oh my God," Moronica exhales, grossed out. "This is [Noel Roaoaoaoaoaoaor]?" she asks. Scully consults a clipboard. "That's what it says here," she says. Moronica wonders how anyone could tell if it wasn't. Scully thinks. "I need you to get me [Noel Roaoooooooooaaaooor's] medical records," she finally says. Moronica stares at her. "That'd have to go through the military, I don't know if I can," she says. "You've got to, [Moronica]," Scully tells her. "Whatever it takes. I need those records for Skinner. I need them for Mulder." Moronica finally nods, and races off. Scully snaps on the latex.
Courthouse, baby. I guess it's the day. Who knows? Kersh irritably asks Skinner to call his witness. Skinner's reluctantly looking at some papers (stalling for time, I suspect), when Scully races in holding a file folder. "Assistant Director?" she asks. They confab. Skinner looks over her papers and she leans across the table to whisper to Mulder. "I found it," she tells him. "What's going to get you off." The action figures snicker uncontrollably at this. The Mulder passes the Scully another swig of booze. The introduction of alcohol into their relationship seems to have cleared up their differences quite nicely: the Mulder is massaging the Scully's remaining foot, and I think I heard her slur something about being sorry she ran off with an obsessive lesbian pop star, but that it sounded like a good idea at the time. Skinner looks up and moves to dismiss, based on new evidence that the so-called body of Noel Roaoaooaoaoooaoaoar is actually the body of a man who died of a broken neck and was burned post-mortem. Dale furrows his brow. Kersh immediately denies his motion. Everyone in the courtroom stares at him, shocked. "You can't deny it," Scully yells. "You're out of order and in contempt of court, Agent Scully," Kersh says. Scully purses her lips. "You're in contempt," she retorts. Oh, good one. Scully insists that she's brought evidence that Mulder is innocent, and that Kersh has to look at it. Kersh spits that she had no authorization to examine the body, and orders that Scully be removed from the courtroom. Mulder finally stands. "She's got evidence, you have to listen!" he yells. Hey, maybe he doesn't want to die so much after all. That's nice to know. This time, it's Scully's turn to be dragged from the courtroom, as Kersh hollers that they are adjourned. Adjourned! Everyone looks simply flabbergasted, including Dale. Hell, especially Dale. Welcome to the FBI, Dale. That said, I'm currently suffering some job dissatisfaction (not here at TWoP. At my other job), and I'm thinking maybe I ought to join the FBI. I mean, that's probably bad news for my family and friends and I'll have to give up on the idea of having a baby ever, but it does seems like I'd have a decent chance of meeting a nice (albeit probably issue-ridden) boy and the work seems like it'd be pretty stimulating, what with all the running for your life and shooting bad guys and figuring out mass conspiracies and trying to put a stop to alien invasions. What do you think? ["I think you should join the CIA instead, and then become a double agent with a foxy, large-foreheaded CIA handler. I understand that's what adventure-minded ladies from Los Angeles do." -- Wing Chun]
The Truth, Part II
“ Scully's House of Total Agony. She sits on the sofa, on the verge of tears. Business as usual, in other words. ”
Later. Skinner, Dale, and Mulder sit in the empty courtroom and wait for the verdict. Dale looks particularly uncomfortable. Finally, Kersh and his goons troop back in and Kersh delivers the bad news: they've found Mulder guilty of murder. Mulder has no visible reaction. Kersh asks if there's anything he'd like to say on his own behalf prior to sentencing. Mulder looks over at Skinner, who sort of shrugs at him. Mulder gulps and looks at the table, and finally stands up to say his piece. "I'd like to congratulate you in succeeding where so many before you have failed," he begins. "A bullet between the eyes would have been preferable to this charade. But I've learned to pretend over the past nine years -- to pretend that my victories matter, only to realize that no one was keeping score; to realize that liars do not fear the truth if there are enough liars. That the devil is just one man with a plan, but evil -- true evil -- is a collaboration of men." Dale shoots Kersh a vaguely convinced glance. Kersh looks bored. "Blah, blah, blah," the Mulder action figure mutters. "Which is what we have here today," Mulder says. "If I am a guilty man, my crime is in daring to believe that the truth will out and that no one lie will live forever. I believe it still. Much as you try to bury it, the truth is out there. Greater than your lies, the truth wants to be known. You will know it. It'll come to you. As it's come to me. Faster than the speed of light." I don't even know what that means. Mulder looks up at the jury and sees Krycek and X standing behind Kersh and Random White Dude #3, respectively. I suspect these are two of the men leaning toward Mulder's side, by the way. "You may believe yourselves rid of your headache now," Mulder continues, "and maybe you are. But you've only done it by cutting off your own hands." I totally don't even get that. Why is getting rid of Mulder going to do anything but make everyone's life easier? I mean, everyone on the jury? I guess he's arguing that he can help them stop the upcoming alien invasion and save us all from becoming a slave race to the Martians (or whatever), but maybe he should have mentioned that part specifically. Mulder makes a satisfied face and walks off. Kersh looks real thoughtful.
Scully's House of Total Agony. She sits on the sofa, on the verge of tears. Business as usual, in other words. Doggett, Moronica, and Gibson wait in the background; Moronica and Gibson are at the kitchen table, Doggett leaning against the counter with a cup of joe. I like to think that Gibson is kicking Moronica's ass at chess there at the table. The phone rings. And rings. And rings. Scully is paralyzed. Finally, Doggett picks up the phone. "Yeah, I'll tell her," he says shortly. Gibson and Moronica watch nervously in the background, although surely Gibson already knows the bad news from looking at Doggett's face. ["Or, you know...reading his mind." -- Wing Chun] "That was Skinner," Doggett says. And nothing more. "Agent Doggett?" Scully asks tearfully. Doggett turns and looks at her sympathetically. "Death by lethal injection," he tells her sadly. At first, Scully has no reaction. Then her lip trembles. Then she goes absolutely white and I honestly think she might just pass out. Instead, she just breaks, covering her face with both hands. How did it all turn so sour for poor Agent Scully? Nine years ago, she was all Perky McBadSuit, all "I look forward to working with you, Agent Mulder," all "You can't possibly be suggesting that, Agent Mulder," and then she was like, "Wow, I just got abducted," and then she was all, "Dang, they killed my sister," and thing you know, it's all "Shoot, I've got cancer," and "Yikes, my partner is dead. No he's not! Yes, he is! No, he's not," and before you know it, it's "Huh, I've been pregnant for six years" and "Geez, Mulder's nowhere to be found" and now, here we are at, "Shit, I had to give my baby to strangers and they're killing my boyfriend."