Sunshine Days

This week has been hell on wheels. First of all, I'm now officially in my late twenties. Which would be fine if...excuse me, I have to go moisturize. Where was I? Yes, the hell. So I'm old, I'm dry, and when I walked in my apartment this afternoon, my copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was on fire. The Mulder action figure is poking it with one of those plastic swords that impale fruit in cocktails. "I'm burning them out!" he yells up at me. "Scully! And the Britney Spears! After weeks and weeks of off-screen profiling and investigating, I tracked them to a nook between your bookcase and the wall and I'm hoping the smoke drives them out!" And the hits? Just keep coming.

Nighttime. The suburbs. We fade up on an innocuous-looking tract house. Two guys parked across the street perch on the roof of their car, drinking Budweiser from cans and shooting the shit. One of them is played by David Faustino, best known as Bud Bundy from Married...With Children. NotBud whistles the theme song from The Brady Bunch as Bud throws back a mouthful of...Bud. Heh. NotBud insists drunkenly -- and, I suspect, not for the first time -- that the house they're staring at is "where they filmed The Brady Bunch." Bud stares at him: "What? Are you on crack? Does that honestly look like The Brady Bunch house to you?" NotBud insists that it does from the inside. "Straight up, dude," he chortles. He explains that he was delivering a pizza last night, and the dude who lives there was all crowding the door so he couldn't see inside. "And then, boom! He drops his Crazy Bread. And I see it all, man," NotBud coos. Bud makes a quizzical face and sips his brewski. NotBud interprets this reaction as a challenge to his manhood, and leaps off the car with a thunk. He races across the street and over to the house. Bud follows, mildly asking him to cut it out. NotBud shakes his head and bangs on the green front door. "My honor's at stake, man," he yelps. Bud rolls his eyes. "No one's home," Bud says, relieved. "Let's go." NotBud ignores him and peers inside the front window. Bud makes a half-hearted gesture toward the car. NotBud seems to be coming along...but gets sidetracked by the fact that the door is, conveniently, open.

NotBud skips inside. Bud follows. "See? I told you," NotBud crows. And, indeed, the inside of the house looks exactly like the set of The Brady Bunch. Bud is suitably impressed. They begin to explore. Bud, by the way? One foot tall. "Here it is! That weird horse sculpture!" NotBud says, caressing it in a disturbingly sexual way. He picks up a vase to the horse. "And the vase that Peter broke! 'Mom always said, don't play ball in the house.' Remember that one?" Bud looks around, dazed, and whispers that he doesn't understand any of this. "Who's on crack now, huh?" NotBud asks. I'm taking that as a shout-out. Just because. At this point, a beaten-up football rolls slowly down the stairs. "Hello?" Bud calls. The football gently bounces on the ground. NotBud races over and scoops it up, yammering about Marcia breaking her nose that one time. Sadly, he does not use the phrase "Ow! My nose!" Bud finds this entire set-up creepy. "Screw this, man, I'm out of here," he says, scampering for the door. NotBud calls after him, telling him not to be "a puss," but Bud leaves anyway, slamming the door behind him. Stupid high NotBud shrugs. There are strange sounds from upstairs drifting down the stairs -- children laughing, mostly. A word to the wise: on The X-Files? Children laughing? Sure sign of impending doom. NotBud scampers up the stairs to investigate. He creeps into an upstairs hallway, where he's met by...Bobby and Cindy Brady. Well, a reasonable facsimile thereof. "Bobby? Cindy?" NotBud breathes. They stare at him like those twins in The Shining, then walk away. NotBud yelps for them to come back, and follows them through a nearby door.

Cut to the car. Bud sits in the driver's seat and taps the steering wheel. "Come on," he mutters. There's a loud crash from the direction of the Brady (or is it?) house, and the thing you know, NotBud's body comes crashing down onto the roof the of car. Bud manages to haul himself from beneath the rubble. "Oh my God," he breathes, looking at NotBud's dead, dead body.

Credits.

Doggett and Moronica stand on the same suburban street and stare up into the sunlight. "I'm telling you," Doggett says. Moronica wrinkles her brow. "No. I don't see how," she says. Doggett hypothesizes that NotBud must have fallen from a plane or a helicopter. "Simple as that," he says. Moronica's hair, by the way, is really cute -- all flippy and pert. She asks Doggett how exactly NotBud got from inside the house to a plane flying over the street. "Details," Doggett chirps dismissively. Shout-out? Maybe. They wander over to the demolished car. Doggett spies what looks like a piece of roofing and places it in an evidence bag. The cops pull up with a flourish, expelling Bud from the squad car as soon as they get it in Park. He races up to the Feds, breathlessly glad to see that someone's investigating the case. "What I witnessed was Freaksville, man," he says. "My friend was murdered! Who'd have thought this could happen at the Brady Bunch house?" Doggett and Moronica exchange looks, and Moronica informs Bud that "that's not the Brady Bunch house." The show was filmed on a soundstage, she says, with the exteriors shot at a split-level in Studio City. "I took a picture of it once," she chirps, proud. Doggett shoots her an incredulous look as Bud explains that the exterior might be different, but inside the place is the Bradys' down to the last detail. He swears! Doggett and Moronica raise their respective brows.

Moronica and Doggett knock on the front door. A total Hey! It's That Guy! answers. (I recognize him from playing a nutjob on The Practice.) "Oliver Martin?" Doggett asks. Doggett explains that he and Moronica have a few questions they'd like to ask him. Oliver Martin informs them that he's already spoken to the authorities. He saw nothing. He heard nothing. He knows nothing whatsoever. He wasn't even at home. "This guy's stonewalling! Kick the door in!" Bud yelps. "Shut up," Doggett mutters over his shoulder. Oliver tells them that he's really "kind of busy." Doggett flashes a phony smiles and assures him that it'll only take five minutes: "Unless you want us to get a warrant. Then we could be here for hours." Bud takes this moment to leap between Moronica and Doggett and push his way into the house...which doesn't look like the Brady Bunch house anymore. Bud sputters that this isn't what he saw at all. Moronica and Doggett exchange glances and follow him inside. "Where'd it all go?" he asks. Oliver Martin prissily insists that he isn't "following." Bud wanders around the poorly decorated living room and wonders where "all the Brady Bunch stuff went." He covers his mouth with both his hands.

Everyone walks outside. Well, not Oliver. Since he lives there, and all. Bud grouses that he knows what he saw. He stomps off. Doggett stops and looks back at the house. "I want to check something out," he announces, and marches around back. Moronica rolls her eyes and follows him. Doggett's digging through the garbage. He almost immediately finds some roofing materials, matching the stuff he found on the roof of the car. "Aha," he says. Moronica cocks a brow. Doggett then hoists himself up on top of the trash bin and does a manly, manly chin-up to see onto the roof. The newly patched roof. "Aha!" he grunts. "Twice with the 'aha's," Moronica mutters. And with that, I can keep silent no longer: I must admit that I am not currently praying for Moronica to get hit by an errant bolt of lightning or drown in a horrible tsunami of molten lava. I don't really like her, exactly, but I don't actively want to watch her die a slow, horrible, painful death. But if she bites it in the finale, I guess that'd be okay. "The roof has been patched," Doggett announces. Moronica is all, "And?" Doggett hops off the garbage bin. "A: Our eyewitnesses placed the deceased inside this house just prior to the time of his demise," he begins. "B: We found a fragment of roof single at the place of impact. It would seem to match the discarded piece you now hold in your hand. C: There's a hole in the roof, recently patched, this big around. Connect A to B to C." He raises his brows proudly. Moronica twists her mouth around. "Much in the fashion of Duffy Duck, or Wile E Coyote," she begins, "the deceased flew straight through the roof, into the air, and landed on the car. Are you serious?" Doggett is. "A to B to C," Doggett repeats. "I think I'm finally getting the hang of this job." The Mulder action figure snorts (in between coughs due to the as yet unproductive fire). "Too bad, since I'm coming back week," the Mulder mutters. "Hey, Scully!" he yells. "Come on out already! We've only got a week left to wrap this mother up! Time to start making out!"

Cut to Quantico. Scully's performing what ER would call A Hero's Last Autopsy. Actually, I'm sure she'll do an autopsy in the finale, so that's a lie. Perfect for NBC's promo department, then. She decides to start with the shingle protruding from NotBud's head. She reaches over for one of her Handy Dandy Autopsy Tools, and notices that they're all quivering. Scully looks perturbed. She reaches out to touch one. A rather sizable electric shock runs from the tool to her hand. Scully makes a profound "what the hell?" look.

FBI Field Office; Los Angeles, CA. 7:08 PM. Shout-out? Probably not. Doggett and Moronica are in the field office, video-conferencing with Scully about her strange, strange autopsy. She tells them that NotBud was dead before he hit the car, and that she thinks it was flying through the roof that did it to him. Or maybe electricity. "Or maybe electricity is only the by-product. I'm not really sure," Scully mutters. Doggett and Moronica look perplexed, so Scully explains her weird experience with the tools. After getting shocked, she says, she wired NotBud to an EEG. And he's been putting off a faint reading all afternoon. "Are you saying he's not dead?" Moronica asks. Scully shakes her head, telling them that NotBud is "dead as a hammer," but that he's giving off some kind of "residual electricity....It's fascinating," she breathes. Moronica, of course, wonders what it all means. Scully tells them that if Mulder were there, he'd tell them that electrical waves often are thought to indicate the presence of poltergeists or ghosts, or paranormal activities of some sort. "That's what Mulder would say?" Doggett asks. Scully shrugs that, "at the end of the day," she wouldn't have any better explanation. And she certainly doesn't now.

Darkness falls. Outside the House of Maybe Brady, Bud plaintively pours a can of beer onto the ground. "Here's to you, buddy," he says, and takes one last swig. He tosses the empty over his shoulder. Then he heads right for the house, hopping the fence with agility remarkable in a foot-tall drunk guy. Bud peers inside the sliding glass door and whatever he...okay, I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. I just can't. This is the penultimate episode of The X-Files and it's about The Brady Bunch? Think about it. No, think about it. Are we setting anything up for the finale? No. Talking about aliens? About CSM? Krycek? Scully's fertility? The black oil? Super Soldiers? The bees? The clones? The alien bounty hunters? Mulder's mysterious brain disease? Mulder, period? Hello? God! And 1013 promises that everything will be revealed in the finale? I have a feeling the only thing that will be revealed is my inner rage. Anyway. So Bud's all looking inside the house, and what does he see? Alice serving dinner to a table full of Bradys. Bud stumbles backward, freaked out. He runs around the yard and slams through the front door to the tune of the Discordant Music of I Can't Believe The Second to Last Episode Ever is About The Brady Bunch. Bud races into the dining area, finding the house still in full-on Brady mode, but abandoned. A bowl of mashed potatoes steam on the table. Mmmm, carbohydrates. Bud's standing there, trying to straighten this all out in his mind, when Oliver Martin comes out of a back room. "What is this, man?" Bud asks him. "What in the holy freaking hell is this, man?" Oliver calmly tells Bud to get out. Now. "They were here! I saw them! I saw them all!" Bud squeals. Oliver asks him to leave "before it's too late." Bud's still flailing his arms around. "I saw the Brady Bunch!" he yelps, right before he starts to levitate off the ground. "Oh my God, what are you doing?" he asks. Oliver just watches as Bud crashes through the ceiling. Roof tiles fall every where.

Daytime. Poor dead Bud is lying dead in a Bud-shaped hole in the ground. Moronica and Doggett stare down at him. Doggett's gray suit is just lovely. A TV news van pulls up behind them, cameramen spilling out like clowns from a clown car. "Smile," Moronica hisses. "All of Southern California is watching us scratch our heads in confusion." Doggett looks over his shoulder at the camera crew and just shrugs. "Let's go get some damn answers," he gruffs. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah, Doggett, stop it! You're killing me. Ah, thinking any of us are going to get answers! You sweet, nave man! If only. Doggett and Moronica knock on Oliver's front door. He flings it open and stares at them, somewhat wildly. "I've said all I'm going to say to you people!" he squeals. "You don't like it, go get your warrant!" He slams the door. Doggett and Moronica shrug, and head back into the yard. "He called your bluff," Moronica says, offering that maybe they really can get a warrant. Doggett rolls his eyes. "Yeah," he says. "'Judge, I want to toss the house of a man who makes people magically zoom into the sky. It has something to do with electricity and poltergeists and whatnot.' Yeah, that'll fly," he laughs. I think? That was a shout-out. In the recap of "Scary Monsters," I said: "Doggett thinks they can convince a judge to give them a warrant. I can see it now. 'Your honor, he had dirt on his hands! And his kid thinks a monster killed his cat!' That's totally going to fly." And I say "whatnot" all the time! Don't I? I do! Come on! Shout-out! Right? Right? Oh, shut up and just agree with me. So, Moronica and Doggett are standing in the yard, looking totally lost, when Doggett's cell phone rings. "So, the owner won't talk, huh?" Scully asks. Doggett sputters something about not knowing how she could have known that. "Smile, you're on TV," Scully tells him. Now that she's shed that pesky kid and is free to fly about the country at will, she's decided to come out to Los Angeles to see them. And she's at the L.A. field office with a man she thinks they're both going to want to meet.

Cut to a shot of some film-strip footage from the '70s. A young boy sits in front of a number of multi-colored wooden blocks. According to the filmstrip's voice-over, the boy is "Anthony Vogelman, age eight." The man behind the voice tells the kid to relax: "Relax and focus." The kid sort of nods and stares at the blocks. The footage gets all fuzzy and shorts out. We pull back to reveal Scully, Moronica, and Doggett watching this in a conference room at the field office, accompanied by Dr. Anspaugh, fresh from The Funeral of a Hero over on ER. "My right hand to God," Dr. Anspaugh tells them. "All four blocks rose off the table and spiraled all the way to the ceiling before they fell." Moronica is sorry that he didn't catch that on tape. Dr. Anspaugh rolls his eyes and insists that no one is sorrier than he is. "Whatever phenomenon caused this," he says, "I also believe that it radiated an electromagnetic field strong enough to fog the image." Cue the staring. "Don't be polite. Call me crazy. Everyone else does," he says. "I believe you," Doggett says, pointing out that the kid in the video is their suspect, Oliver Martin. Oh, and he believes now. Yep! With one episode to go, there's no point in having anyone stay skeptical. Scully confirms this, telling them that she went through Mulder's reference books. "Van Nuys, California, 1970. One of the best-documented cases of what was originally thought to be poltergeist activity." Dr. Anspaugh nods, saying that he spent six "astonishing months" with Oliver Martin, né Anthony Vogelman. He tells them that Oliver was as bewildered by his powers as anyone else was, but he was indeed responsible for all the crazy shit that happened around him. "He was psychokinetic," Scully mutters. "Sort of like this other child I used to know. What was his name again? Never mind, it doesn't matter." Dr. Anspaugh nods. "He was the Mozart of psychokenesis," he says. Moronica asks why Oliver and Dr. Anspaugh fell out of touch. Dr. Anspaugh sighs, and explains that Oliver's abilities eventually "faded." The last few months Dr. Anspaugh spent with him, nothing happened. "He lost his power," Scully says. Doggett wonders whether any of this would fly with a judge. Dr. Anspaugh shrugs that the Oliver Martin he knew was just "a lonely little boy," not a crazy-ass nutjob.

Over at Oliver's house (The Non-Brady Version), the lonely little man is patching the ceiling. Again. The Sad Piano of Sad Psychokinetic Men tinkles mournfully in the background. He climbs off the ladder, stares sadly out the window, and then closes the drapes. He turns and smiles, and his dcor magically turns into Bradyland. Laughter floats down the stairs, followed by all six of the Brady kids. They zip past Oliver, greeting him cheerfully one by one. Oliver looks pleased, but the phone rings and snaps him -- and the house -- back to reality. He lets the machine take the call, which turns out to be Dr. Anspaugh. "I'd really like to catch up," Dr. Anspaugh says. "Obviously, you're all grown up now. It's funny -- I have trouble picturing that." Oliver listens sadly. The ladder behind him starts to shake. The phone flies off the counter and lands on the floor, impaled by the trowel Oliver had been using to spread the plaster on the ceiling. Oliver turns and stares at his now dead telephone.

The Field Office. Dr. Anspaugh taps nervously on the phone. "I guess he's not home," he offers nervously. "He's home," Doggett snaps. "Aha!" Moronica breathes. She's sitting behind them at a computer. She turns and tells the assembled that she was wondering why Oliver would change his name. And the new one sounded familier, so she ran it. "Through what, NCIC?" Doggett asks. "No, a Brady Bunch website! It popped right up," Moronica chirps. Blah blah Cousin Oliver, blah. "You're speaking Greek to me" Doggett drawls. "What does this case have to do with an old TV show?" Moronica reminds him that Bud said the inside of Oliver's house looked just like the Bradys' groovy pad. "Just connecting A to B to C," she smiles. Doggett grins back at her and turns to Scully and Dr. Anspaugh, wondering whether this makes any sense to them. Dr. Anspaugh admits that he and Oliver did used to watch The Brady Bunch together. Moronica wonders why Oliver picked the name he did, especially since the character of Cousin Oliver was a giant pesky pain in the butt. "A jinx," Scully pipes up. "Cousin Oliver, the jinx." Everyone stares at her. "So maybe I watched an episode or two," she admits. She wonders if maybe Oliver's choice of names speaks to his view of himself: trouble, cursed, a jinx, unlucky, star-crossed. Doggett leans against a desk and asks whether this name-change thing will help them bust Oliver. But Scully hopes it won't come to that. Oliver's power, she says, is "extraordinary. It needs to be studied." Dr. Anspaugh nods, telling Doggett and Moronica that studying Oliver could "expand the scope of human knowledge. It could change everything." I've heard that one before. Doggett and Moronica just look at Scully "I've been working this unit for nine years now," Scully reminds us. "I've investigated nearly two hundred paranormal cases. We are due for some incontrovertible truth. I want vindication," she says. "For Mulder and for all of us." Yeah, good luck with that. Staring.

Oliver's place. Dr. Anspaugh and Doggett rap sharply on the front door. Nothing. Doggett tiptoes around to the side of the house, looking into the window. "What the hell?" he hisses, and comes racing around to try the door again. Nothing. So Doggett takes his Handy Dandy Lock-Picking Kit out of his breast pocket and neatly fiddles with the door until it swings open. He tells Dr. Anspaugh to stay outside, and walks on in. The house is in Brady mode. And I'd like to sidebar again to remind you that this, the penultimate episode of this show, ever, is about a guy obsessed with The Brady Bunch. If someone had told you that while you were waiting in line to see Fight the Future, you would have punched that person in the face. But it's true! It is true! And I can't get over that. This episode isn't even poorly written. It's just aired completely out of place! The last three episodes, in my opinion, clearly should have been "Release," "William" and the finale. Instead, they're throwing in this lame-ass story about The Brady Bunch. As the second last episode ever. Ever. EVER. What is up with that? No, seriously. No. Seriously. What the hell? And why does my head hurt so bad? Anyway. Doggett's eyes widen. He heads upstairs, calling Oliver's name. "FBI!" Doggett yells. Finally, he meets Oliver in the upstairs hallway. "Get out of my house," Oliver says. Doggett carefully explains that Dr. Anspaugh would really like a word with him. "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" Oliver asks plaintively. "Get out." At this, Doggett begins to levitate. Well, of course he does. He reaches out and grabs hold of a nearby doorknob, which keeps him grounded for about six seconds. thing you know, his legs are waving in the air and his grip gives out. Doggett sails up and through the ceiling. Oliver gulps.

Doggett comes to and finds himself pressed against the main roof beam in the attic. "Oh, crap," he mutters. He tries to stand up...and finds himself upside down, his feet on the beam, his head pointing toward the floor. He tries, futilely, to leap down to the floor. "Oliver!" he calls plaintively. "[Dr. Anspaugh]? I need some help up here!" Outside the house, Dr. Anspaugh hears Doggett, and races inside. In the attic, Doggett paces up and down the beam. "Oliver? Are you up there? Down there? Whatever the hell?" he calls. Doggett catches sight of Oliver from the hole in floor. "Oliver!" he yells. Oliver runs off. "Oliver!"

Dr. Anspaugh makes his way into the hallway, calling for "Anthony." Doggett hears him and starts yelping for some help. Oliver hides himself behind a wall. Dr. Anspaugh continues down the hallway. "Hey! Come back!" Doggett yells. "I need some help up here! He's dangerous!" Dr. Anspaugh finally glimpses Oliver all curled up in the corner. "Anthony?" he asks softly. "Let him go." Oliver whimpers that he can't. "Sure you can," Dr. Anspaugh says. Oliver shakes his head. He doesn't know how, he says. "Anthony, you're a good person. I know that hasn't changed," Dr. Anspaugh says. "Relax, and focus, remember?" Oliver finally nods tearfully. "Good. Relax and focus," Dr. Anspaugh repeats. Oliver starts to cry. Doggett crashes through the hole in the ceiling and lands on the ground.

Later, Doggett holds an evidence bag full of ice to the back of his head. Enter Scully and Moronica, who both make shocked faces when they see the brand-new Brady-riffic dcor of Oliver's swinging pad. "Oh my God," Moronica breathes. She, like NotBud, heads right for the Horse Sculpture, while Scully gives Doggett's noggin a cursory exam. "Agent Scully, meet Oliver Martin," Doggett mutters. In the background, Moronica is picking up the Don't Play Ball in the House Vase. Scully informs Oliver that it's "a great pleasure" to meet him. Moronica wanders over, eyes wide, and asks how Oliver created...you know, the entire Brady milieu . "I think about it, and it's here," he says quietly. "Can you think about other things?" Scully asks, taking a seat. "What happens if you think about another place?" Dr. Anspaugh nods. "It's important to me," he says. Oliver makes his thinking face...and the room becomes a peaceful, very fake-looking green-screeny meadow. Everyone is, naturally, stunned. Scully pulls out her standard breathy "oh my God," and walks right up to the camera. Everyone else is looking around in awe. Shortly, the room returns to Bradyville. Scully's eyes are huge. "Mainly, I like to be here," Oliver explains. Scully sighs dreamily. "Oliver, with your help, we could learn so much," she says. "I would love to take you back with us to DC." Oliver shiftily glances at Dr. Anspaugh. "It would mean so much to me, Oliver. To show the whole world!" he says. Oliver smiles weakly. He nods. "Wonderful. Let's go get you packed," Dr. Anspaugh says. He and Oliver head upstairs, and the rest of the crew just stares at each other. "We've got a tiger by the tail," Doggett says. Moronica murmurs that she doesn't think Oliver meant to kill Doggett. Doggett shrugs that it doesn't really matter. "He's not in control," he says. Scully insists that they can help Oliver learn to control his powers. "I mean, my God! There's no telling what he could accomplish." Like what, exactly? Starring in the most unusual episode of Trading Spaces ever? Doggett points out that there's no telling what could happen if Oliver goes off the deep end. "Which isn't too far a walk for this guy, in case you haven't noticed," he points out. "I mean, this whole Brady Bunch thing? I'm not so sure about this." Thank you! Moronica pipes up that they can't keep Oliver here at home. "Two people are dead," she says. "This isn't working." Scully nods, and insists that they "owe it to the world." Oh, whatever. Doggett snarks that the other shoe is going to drop at any moment. "There's something Oliver's not telling us," he says.

Upstairs, Oliver comes out of a bedroom holding his Super Collectible Ow! My Nose! Football. "Oliver, are you ready?" Dr. Anspaugh calls. An electric charge runs through the football and into Oliver's hand. He drops the ball. Literally. A sweat breaks out on his forehead and he clutches his hand in pain.

Cut to FBI HQ, and a tight shot of Skinner, who looks somewhat nonplussed. He looks over at Doggett, who's just looking up at him calmly. Moronica grins wildly. Scully flashes a very toothy smile. Skinner takes a deep breath and looks over at Oliver and Dr. Anspaugh, who's sitting to some totally random guy. The camera pulls back: Skinner is hovering three feet off the ground. He does a slow, careful flip. Scully chortles extremely gleefully for a woman who's lost her true lover, best friend, and much-wished-for baby. Skinner is slowly lowered to the ground. "Wow," he chuckles. "May I have a glass of water?" Oliver asks, weakly. Skinner shows him into the exterior office, saying he won't be a minute. "Anything you need, just ask Arlene."

Interior office. "So, what do you think, Dr. Jaycocks?" Skinner asks the Guy I Don't Think We've Ever Seen Before, But I'm Sure Someone Will Inform Me Otherwise If I'm Wrong. Dr. Jaycocks smiles and announces that "there are a hell of a lot of Physics books due for a rewrite." Scully and Dr. Anspaugh exchange glances. Scully's all, "Whee! I majored in Physics!" "And I think a year from now, you and Dr. Anspaugh will be in Stockholm, accepting the Nobel prize," Dr Jaycocks tells her. Scully looks just as pleased as punch. "So, you're on board with this?" Doggett asks Skinner. Skinner shrugs. I'm sure they'll talk about it over pasta primavera at home tonight. Moronica wonders what will happen . "I want Kersh to see this. I want the director himself in here. Do you realize what this means? It insures that they can't shut you down," Skinner says. "It means The X-Files will go on forever." I certainly hope you all grasped the irony of that line. Did you? Are you sure? You might need to rewind and make sure. Because that there's some good subtlety, people. Anyway, everyone is smiling when there's a clunk and a gasp outside. "Agent Scully," Arlene yelps, flinging the door open.

Everyone runs out. Oliver's having a seizure. "I saw a big spark, and then he just collapsed," Arlene says. Doggett calls for the EMS.

Hospital. Scully, Doggett, and Moronica get their Frequent Visitor Cards punched and visit Oliver, who's all hooked up to shit. Dr. Anspaugh sputters that the seizure must have been caused by "all the excitement." And he needs bed rest! Then they'll be right back on schedule for their Nobel Prize and piles and piles of cash! Scully gestures with her head, and they all head out into the hallway. Apparently, Oliver's electrolytes are imbalanced, he went into shock, blah blah blah he's totally screwed up. He's also suffering "a multi-system organ failure. Gradually, his body is consuming itself. It's been going on for months. Maybe even years." Everyone puts on his or her sad face, except Moronica, who looks like she's wondering where she left her car keys. "What's causing this?" Moronica asks. "This power of his. It's eating him alive," Doggett says. Scully agrees, and tells them that the more Oliver shows off, the worse he'll get. And then he'll drop dead. Moronica looks up and into Oliver's room. "What the hell?" she asks. His bed is surrounded by Bradys.