Mario says we're heading into the final round of auditions, which could be anywhere at this point. I like to imagine that we actually have seen all the auditions in chronological order, which would mean those trucks would have had to crisscross the country several dozen times by now. Mario also mentions week's "Four Chair Challenge," which, seriously, had better be good. For tonight, we're resuming the auditions with a guy named Neal Macomber, who looks like the bastard child of Peter Weller and James Woods, but on ecstasy. He certainly seems convinced that this is going to be his big day. Obviously his clownish version of "Everybody Talks" is a nightmare on numerous levels, performed in multiple keys at the same time while he leaps around and generally acts like somebody connected a car battery to his taint. He horrifies Demi by singing directly at her and then petting her head while she recoils into Paulina's arms. Even his kid is mortified watching this backstage. After the song -- the complete song, mind you -- Simon says he comes off like a singing slasher and invites Demi to kick off the voting. Obviously she's a no, and though Paulina says she likes him, she shoots him down as well. Neal thinks he's still in it, but Kelly and Simon make it unanimous so that even he gets the message. Judging by the reactions of his family as they watched backstage, it's going to be a long drive home.
Now we're in New Orleans, where a 12 to 13-year-old trio named Glamour does some amazing harmonies with "The Star-Spangled Banner." Kelly says they're like a "baby Destiny's Child." So Destiny's Grandchild, then? They get three yeses and go on through. Another trio called Girls United (ages 23 to 24) take a page (or at least a song) from Pitch Perfect and earn four yeses also. Then a deep-voiced 17-year-old named Zach Beeken sings a country song and sweeps the judges. A pair of hopped-up bros calling themselves Wild Thingz (23 and 30, which is humiliating) need to die, but it looks like they're this year's Emblem3 so they're through. A 69-year-old, Santa Claus-looking pastor named Denny Smith belts out "Stormy Monday Blues" and earns the three yeses needed to move on, even though he looks like he should be selling cotton candy instead.
is Victoria Carriger, who appears about 23 at first glance, but has eight kids, ranging from 4 to 20. So, she's 41.We see her and her brood hanging out in the holding room, all of them her responsibility because she's separated from her husband. Well, I'm sure the older ones are helping out because that's how that works. She's now looking for some stability for her family and what better way to pursue that than the music industry? Out on the stage, she sings "Because of You" in a voice that's on the line between sweet and ragged, and has some pretty decent runs in there as well. The audience gives her a standing O while her kids look on proudly from backstage. Simon tells her that he wasn't expecting her to be good at all, but she's made her point. Paulina says she felt her pain, as did Demi, who says she's rooting for her. Kelly just calls for a vote, which goes pretty well for Victoria with four yeses. And then out come all the damn kids onto the stage. I get exhausted just looking at them.
Long Island again, and the last audition of the season. Recall for a moment the unique collection of horrors that Simon Cowell alone has experienced in aggregate, and imagine if you will some of the nightmares that swim up behind his eyelids when sleep still eludes him even after a satisfying day of terrorizing people. Chief among these, or nearly so, must be Keith Beukalaer, whom Simon declared "the worst singer in the world" back in Season 2 of American Idol. Need more? This was the pudgy kid who inflicted his deluded, falsetto "Like a Virgin" on the world. Of course Simon has heard many, and much worse singers since then -- including tonight -- but the fact remains that Keith Beukalaer took away forever something that Simon still had ten long years ago. And now he is back. He's got much shorter hair, and is dressed in rainbow tie-dye from head to toe and is claiming to be a rapper, but Simon recognizes him the instant he steps onstage. You don't forget that kind of trauma.
Tonight, however, Keith is doing "Baby Got Back," which I can say from personal experience never goes over badly, and this is no exception. In fact, the audience is totally into it, and the female judges are dancing at their seats, pausing only to try to wrestle Simon to his feet to force him to take part. He's not buying it for a second, but at least he's laughing by the time it's over. Demi gives Keith a yes, as does Paulina after polling the crowd, and so does Kelly. While waiting for Simon's vote, the editors make Keith morph into his 19-year-old self and back, and Simon to his 48-year-old self and back. And then Simon actually says yes to him, because who gives a shit at this point. And with that, this mockery of auditions is over. Hard to believe we've probably already met the winner.
Mario comes to us from L.A., where all 218 acts who made it through have been gathered at the Shrine Auditorium… and asked to wear the exact same clothes they auditioned in, it looks like. Simon (with the others at his side) addresses them from the balcony, explaining that there's no Boot Camp this season. Instead, they'll pick ten acts from each of the four categories to compete in the round, which he doesn't explain to them. Mario doesn't either, other than to tell us it's the dreaded FOUR CHAIR CHALLENGE. For now, the judges repair to a deliberation room to go through the contestants and whittle them down. I don't know why everyone has to be in the building for that. In fact, I don't know why we even have to watch it, because we're really not getting much out of listening to the judges talk about people without knowing who they're talking about most of the time. Yes, there are clips of numerous auditions mixed in there, but they could be talking about anyone. This stretches late into the evening without us learning anything before they have it narrowed down to 40 acts. But they managed to waste an entire day for all 218 of them.
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The first group to get the news are the Girls. Mario's up in the balcony for his narration, because he's still not allowed (or willing) to interact with any contestants. They ones who get to stay for now are Khaya Cohen, who took two tries to get through last night; poor Man's Debbie Gibson, Bree Randall, also from last night; Jamie Pineda, whom I don't remember at all; awkward girl Simone Torres; Rion Paige, the 13-year-old with the two-year old hands; Danie Geimer, the alleged ugly duckling whose hat and glasses don't fool anyone; Rylie Brown, who blew her lyrics during the first week of audition episodes; Primrose Martin, who zoomed past us last night; Ellona Santiago from Season 1's Frankengroup InTENsity; and finally Ashley Williams, whose mother was murdered when she was fifteen. She says she represents every girl who was ever told no. Including the ones she just beat out?
Boys . Carlito Olivero, the first person we saw auditioning this season; Chase Goehring from last night's speed-montage; Timmy Thames, of whom we got a brief glimpse last week; Isaiah Alston from last night; Nervous Nelly Tim Olstad, also from last night; Al Calderon, who I incorrectly predicted would end up in a Group against his will; 14-year-old Josh Levi; bouncer Isaac Taeuefa; Tourette's guy Carlos Guevara; and finally interchangeable boy-band teen Stone Martin. Looks like that's the end of the game for the country singers and the judge-stalkers.
Then the Groups, which include Glamour, who we met tonight; Good News, who we just met now; country duo Yellow House Canyon; adorkable sweethearts Alex and Sienna; sisters Roxxy Montana; douchebros Wild Thingz; Girls United from earlier, and, since that's only seven, thee groups that will be grafted together later from spare parts. Which always has to be such a boost for the preexisting groups.
Finally, the Over 25s, which will include giant-afro'ed Lillie McCloud, raspy-voiced Jeff Brinkman (sssso close, Jeff Gutt!), nearly-30 Rachel Potter, previously nonexistent Kristine Mirelle, Victoria Carriger from earlier, returning veteran James Kenney, the still-pantsless Allison Davis and Denny "Santa Claus" Smith, woman's football player Lorie Moore and finally Jeff Gutt, who we've seen looking stressed out throughout this round. So the subway singer and the "Like a Virgin" guy are now both on an equal footing in this competition, which is to say out of it.
Now we're at the stage where the groups are going to be stuck together. Three girls, three boys and three male country singers are drafted into the Groups category to fill it out, and they're relieved enough to still be in the competition that they don't seem to mind. Just once I'd love to see their reaction to the news before their elimination.
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