The X Factor would have you believe that on the day of auditions in Denver, the entire city wakes up at 6:00 sharp and starts singing "Walkin' On Sunshine" in the shower as one, montage-style. The song continues as Mario reminds us of the categories: Boys, Girls, Over 25s, and Groups, along with clips of the more successful examples of each that we heard last night.
Inside the Denver Coliseum, we're starting with Yosselinn Marquez, a big fan of Paulina Rubio's who nonetheless says she'll be better. Paulina chats with her in Spanish for a bit before Simon takes over the quizzing and asks Yosselinn if she thinks she can win. Before answering, she poses a pertinent question of her own: "What's your name?" Simon blinks loud enough to make a record-scratch noise and tells her, "Simon." Before she even starts, Simon quietly declares her "nutty as a fruitcake" to the other judges, and when she does start, she's using her phone as a karaoke screen, shouting out the lyrics like she's never heard the song before. They go right to a vote, though Paulina wants to skip even that, but the formal no is delivered. Backstage, Yosselinn tells us she doesn't care about the judges and has no idea who Simon even is. We should all be so lucky.
Then an uptight farm kid named Thomas Weiderspon comes out with promisingly deep voice. However, when he sings it turns out that he's got no sense of pitch or rhythm whatsoever. Simon compares him to a shirt with too much starch, so he's on his way out. A 15-year-old named Carrigan Bradley is immediately pegged as a pageant kid by Demi, and if her talent is singing, she probably hasn't won many of them. Kelly says she'd want to see more edge, and Simon says it wouldn't work anyway.
Amber Ferrari is a screamer with a shaky Janis Joplin impression, who Simon calls "a goldfish wanting to be a shark." A pair of young Puerto Rican women sing "Livin' La Vida Loca" several BPM slower than their backing track, and badly enough to make us wonder how they and Ricky Martin could possibly be from the same place. Simon compares them to three-year-olds with the flu, and someone else to a llama in a petting zoo. After all these colorful similes and metaphors, Demi takes a turn at off-key, off-rhythm Sean Harris, attempting a Simon voice to call him "an elephant trying to skydive with a tiny parachute indoors." That was actually a better Simon than Simon.
After a morning of failures, 15-year-old Rylie Brown from Lee's Summit, MO seems hopeful about being the first one through. She's been overpracticing a song for the last month, and it turns out to be "Clarity" by Zed. Which I've never heard, and believe it or not, she forgets the words after the first line. Eventually she recovers and starts singing again. It strikes me as pretty emo and desperate and about 93.276% on pitch, but she appears to have redeemed herself with the crowd and at least some of the judges. After she's done, Simon points out that she messed up. "But who cares when you've got a voice like that?" Paulina tells her that her life is about to change, Demi says she doesn't sound fifteen, and Kelly tells her they can help her with the nerves. Especially since she gets four yeses and is staying in the competition. Otherwise it would probably be hard for the judges to find time to help her.
After last night's whiplash-inducing state-hopping, we're actually staying in Denver across a whole commercial break. Mario appears to be limiting himself to interacting with the camera only, either because they're paying him too much or not paying him enough. A 36-year-old doggie day care guy named Jeff Brinkman shows up. He's got a six-week-old daughter back home who was actually due right around this time, but she gave him the gift of being a preemie so he could be here today while she and her mom hang out at the hospital. How sweet. He sings "You Are So Beautiful" with a raspy voice that's totally unlike his speaking one, like a cross between Joe Cocker and Michael Bolton. It'll be interesting to see how he does with songs that aren't by either of them, and it's pretty clear we're going to get the chance. Kelly loves his sincerity, Paulina his voice, Demi his salability; and Simon, who's been pretty quiet, calls it a brilliant vocal. Unanimous yeses. He says backstage that having his daughter made him want to chase his dreams. Away from his daughter.
Now we're back in Long Island, where a record 17,000 people have shown up. American Idol hears that and goes, "Pssht." There's a montage of ill-advised dance moves taking place on the stage, including one heavyset dude who starts stripping. Then we get Jocelyn Hinton from Pittsburgh, who assures us that she's a diva right up there with Whitney and Mariah despite having no formal training. She's 34 and pretty damn sassy with the judges, and then she sings "Firework" with more sass than skill. But then she makes up for her insufficient talent by forgetting the words. In fact, Simon says that was the best part. Jocelyn realizes this is going downhill, so she starts singing again to try to prevent them from shutting her down. And singing. And singing. After she begins her fourth song, even the crowd is turning against her. So what Simon does is goes up, puts a supportive arm around her, and take s a companionable little stroll with her. Right off the stage and into the wings, from whence he returns alone. That was actually pretty smooth.
Cue the montage of losers in the white box complaining about the judges, intercut with even more of Jocelyn's singing, to the point where I start to wonder how those other people even got a turn in there.
There's a transition talking about how out of place the poor olds feel in this setting among all the boys and girls, which is our segue into meeting Rachel Potter because she's creaking along at the advanced age of 29. She's from Nashville and feeling out of time, but here she is because this is the one place where her age isn't an issue. Out onstage, she confesses to the judges that she's not exactly a spring chicken, and does a country arrangement of "Somebody to Love" by Queen. Kelly notices her undeniable vocal control right away. The judges love her and so do the editors, and you know what? So do I. Best of the night so far, even with the off-kilter song selection that's about as country as a Stetson in Manhattan.
She gets a standing ovation from the audience and the female judges. Paulina says she has an "amazing, powerful future," which is not how I expected that sentence to end. Kelly says she's a beast, and Simon guesses that this is something she's been wanting to do for a long time, to prove a point. Which she did, according to him. Demi says she's got the look and the best voice she's heard, and the industry is ready for her. She also says this is her easiest yes in both seasons, and the other three make it unanimous. Now if she can just make it back off the stage without her walker.
Filler montage of Simon getting repeatedly schooled by the three female judges, both backstage and onstage. This is actually quite satisfying. But then there's this guy named Jorge Pena who drives an ice cream truck, and thinks he's got some game with the ladies. Including the judges, who he gets allll flirty with. And even Simon is charmed when he asks if Jorge eats the ice cream himself and Jorge says he's lactose intolerant. But then he wrecks it by saying he's already got three votes and winking grossly at the female judges, who are rapidly getting actively turned off by him. He can sing, unfortunately, but the reaction is pretty muted.
Simon invites Demi to go first, and Jorge unwisely says, "Tell me, woman." Demi tells him not to call her that, and informs him that what's really sexy is humility. Kelly agrees with her there, and Simon calls a vote, starting with Demi. "Tell me woman, yes or no." After reiterating that nobody is to call her that, Demi grudgingly says what she likes about him, but when he says, "I like what I hear," she makes this face like she just ate something bad, which is awesome. Simon laughs and advises him to shut up for a couple of minutes. Demi gives him a grudging yes and adds, "No, don't wink at me." Paulina tells him in Spanish to change his attitude because he's not a star yet. She does give him a yes, and Kelly agrees. Simon tries to commiserate with Jorge over how unreasonable these women are, and as soon as he's gone, Demi tells the others that she does not want this category any more. Because Jorge.
Simone Torres is a slightly off 19-year-old from right here in Long Island, and is worried about getting booed for being a weirdo. The judges immediately peg her as a total oddball, but she ends up showing off a decent, mature voice on "Mustang Sally." Then she goes back to being awkward after Kelly signals a halt after the second chorus, but the reaction from the audience and the judges soon has her in tears. The good kind. Paulina says she didn't expect her to sing that well, which Simone takes as though it's an unreserved compliment. Demi says they all want to hug her, and when Kelly asks her how she feels she says it's the best moment of her life. Kelly says she thinks it's one of the best auditions of the day. Simon says he disagrees and lets the moment hang before saying it was the best audition. It's a unanimous yes, but Simone takes every one of them as a life changer.
Back in Denver, we meet another Over 25, a self-proclaimed crooner named Russ Pouliot who boasts backstage about how he's the Sinatra. Maybe lose the skullet first, Russ. He talks about the classical training he's received (which reminds me of the geezer who said something similar last year and then humiliated himself), then goes onstage and calls Simon a great man. His song is Elvis's "Can't Help Falling in Love," and just as we knew he would, he faceplants immediately. His singing voice that sounds like Seth Rogen trying to imitate a Russian opera tenor. Simon's early signal for a halt is ignored by both the producers and Russ himself, so he gets all the way to the end.
Kelly asks, "Russ, did you have fun?" Because it was obvious throughout that she wasn't having any. Paulina says "less is more" in terms of the vibrato, as though that was the issue. Simon gives him credit for trying, but says he sounded like he was drowning. Demi figures that if Russ had a British accent his singing would sound like if Simon sang. Of course, Simon has been dodging this dare for over a decade now, but this time it's coming from the judges. And some wag in the control room cues up the musical track again, just in case Simon wants to give it a shot. He emphatically doesn't, so Kelly gets up, takes the mic from Russ, and carries it over to Simon, positioning it in front of his face as though she's going to cut his throat with it. Simon actually draws breath and-- my God, apparently somebody thinks this moment is suspenseful enough to merit a commercial break.
When we come back, Simon actually does a pretty decent imitation of Russ, vibrato and all. "That will never be aired," he says mistakenly. Not only was t aired, they've been teasing it all night. Russ is sent on his way with a series of gentle nos (though Simon deadpans that he would have said yes,), and Kelly gives Simon some undeserved props. Then Mario plugs a fake Simon album in a bit that I would say would have been better left to the bored goofballs over at American Idol, except they would have belabored it until the commercial.
The first group we've seen tonight is a trio of sisters going by the name Roxxy Montana. The deadline imposed by their parents to launch their musical career has expired, so they're here secretly instead of in New York like they're supposed to be. Well, it's not secret any more. Their song is "One Night Only" from Dreamgirls, and at least one of them is quite the belter. Unfortunately, their harmonies aren't quite up to scratch. Simon calls out one of the sisters as having a better voice than the other two, and Kelly suggests they try another song. They take a crack at an a capella church song that goes way better for all three of them, both in terms of their solos and harmonies.
Kelly says some of the vocals could be better, but she loves it when they come together. Paulina's also impressed, and Simon says that while they're really good together, they have a secret weapon. Again, not a secret any more. He says they have the most potential of any group ever on The X Factor -- not counting the ones created by himself, of course. They get voted on through pretty easily after that. And after they celebrate in the White Box, the judges are already arguing over who gets the groups.
Long Island again. Al Calderon is a 19-year-old restaurant host who has sung "Happy Birthday" to a lot of diners but is ready to move on. He's there with his supportive Long Island family, who buck him up and send him on out there. He sings "Sarah Smile" by Hall & Oates in the kind of mellow, easily blendable voice that's going to get him stuck into one of Simon's boy bands, I'm calling it right now. He's got the cute but unthreatening look, too. After he's done, Kelly says she'd go out with him if she were 18. Al's up for it, until Simon cracks that they don't have a time machine. "You of all people should not be talking about time machines," says Demi, who I'm just now realizing is, like, the elder statesman on this show as long as Simon's still trying to be the wacky uncle. "Time machines don't even travel that far back in time," she adds. She gives Al a yes, as do the others, and despite Simon's concern about some tuning issues he thinks the music business is ready for Al right now. All he needs is the rest of the group Simon's going to put him in when the novelty wears off.
Denise Weeks, 41, calls herself a "subway singer" on the R train. That's a thing? Well, it's a thing she does for tips, even though she admits there are people on the train who don't want to hear her sing. That's not the most promising introduction to a singing competition. She's a single mom of two grown kids, having lost the kids' father when they were much younger. Hence all the subway singing. She comes out onstage and tells the judges just a little about herself before singing "The Greatest Love of All." Despite what the edit was building up to, she's not great -- a little shaky sounding and her phrasing is pretty stilted. Simon stops her in the first verse, saying she was rushing it so there was no emotion. I bet they give her another try. Yep, Simon asks her to do it without a backing track. That seems to do the trick, and she's much better this time. If they let her sing over the clacking of train wheels on tracks I bet she'd be brilliant.
After she's done, Simon asks her what she does. She explains about being a subway singer, which is clearly painful for her to admit, and Simon marvels that nobody has ever come up to her to say she's meant for bigger things. Which she says they have, but she was waiting for The X Factor. Simon likes that answer and says it was waiting for her as well. Demi tells her about a friend who used to live in Grand Central Station and has gone on to great success, and predicts that Denise will do well for herself too. She said she sings in the train, Demi, not lives there. Paulina gives her a hell yeah, and Kelly echoes Simon's earlier sentiment. Four yeses for Denise. Obviously she's pretty happy about it, and backstage she tells her family that her life has changed as of right now. Worst-case scenario, some people on the R train might recognize her in the future.
And that's it for tonight. Only an indeterminate number of audition weeks to go before the interminable stage of the competition!
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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