We're starting with the standard recitation of The X Factor's impressive worldwide achievements -- all the records sold, all the stars minted… including One Direction. Yes, I have to admit, foreign X Factors have done pretty well for themselves. But now we're back in the U.S. and the third tier the show occupies here. Let's get this going.
Unlike last year, Mario Lopez gets to start hosting right from the jump, without being slowed down by that Kardashian he was previously saddled with. The categories are the same as last season: Boys, Girls, Over 25s and Groups. I can't believe we learned that before we (re-)met the judges, who, after all, are the point of all this. Of course Simon Cowell is back for his third season, and Demi Lovato is back for her second because Simon knows she won't ever beat him, even if she has Girls or Boys and Simon has Consumptives. Kelly Rowland is one of the new judges, and the other is Paulina Rubio, whose presence makes me think that Simon realizes this show isn't long for Fox and he's positioning it for a soft landing on Telemundo or something. As always, the judges will find out which category they'll be working with after the auditions. Which start now, in Los Angeles. That was all surprisingly efficient.
No pressure on Carlito Olivero or anything, just because he's the first singer we meet this season. He's a 23-year-old barista from Chicago who describes himself as a cheerful, singing morning person. Imagine how popular he'll be here on the West Coast where it's two hours earlier. Inside the auditorium, the judges make their entrance as Mario reminds us that each contestant needs three yes votes to move on. Carlito vows to be the Latino Chris Brown one day. How am I supposed to root for him now? Onstage, he chats with Paulina for a bit in both Spanish and English before saying that he's going to sing "Stay" by Rihanna. You sure you don't want to rethink that Chris Brown comparison, Carlito? The music starts, and he's got a decent voice, if a little high. He works the crowd pretty hard, too, walking around the judges' table on the stage to engage with the audience and making them turn around to watch him. Still, Simon is impressed with Carlito's star quality. Demi says his voice is like a mix of Frankie J and Trey Songz. If she says so. Paulina adores him, and Kelly says she's giving him a big yes. So do the other judges, so that wasn't terribly suspenseful. Carlito's flying high and looking forward to buying the coffee instead of serving it.
Also like last season, it looks like we're going to be jumping all over the country during the audition rounds. thing you know, we're in Charleston, SC, outside the North Charleston Coliseum. Inside it, a middle-aged woman named Sally Hessnice tells a fellow contestant that she thinks she could win this. That contestant listens politely, wondering why she still has to do this now that there's a host again for this stage of the show. When Sally reaches the stage, Simon tells her she looks like Demi, which I think he intends as a slam at both of them, though both take it with better grace than he deserves. Sally is a registered nurse who's been happily married for 35 years; she's now 55 and her husband Joe is proudly watching the monitors backstage. Simon asks her why she thinks she can win, and she says it's because her singing makes people happy. He tells her to kill the song.
And then, when she spends a long intro beaming goofily around at the audience, Simon calls a halt and asks if she's going to actually sing. Which she is, eventually, but now they have to start again, with all the simpering that entails. When she does finally start singing "The Greatest Love of All," she sounds like a grade-school music teacher, and Simon can't stop himself from cracking up despite the looks Demi is giving him to tell him to keep it together. Meanwhile, Sally has gotten to the high notes and is starting to sound more like a grade-school music teacher with her legs trapped under the building. Kelly's the one who stops it this time, saying she didn't love the vocals. Demi says it just wasn't the X Factor, and Simon meanly says that during Sally's performance, eight thousand dogs tried to get in. They all vote no, but at least Sally seems to have had a nice time.
So now we get into a montage of other people who don't do so well while Simon empties his AK-47 into the proverbial barrel. These include a karaoke DJ, an off-key mother-daughters group and a blonde that Paulina describes as "peetchy," a word the rest of the panel adopts for the poor schmuck. Then a recent high school graduate whines "My Heart Will Go On" and endures more blunt wit from Simon before receiving his unanimous nos. At least he doesn't have to go back to high school now. Probably.
And now, Long Island. A young woman named Lillie McCloud, -- rocking a black leather catsuit and a large Afro -- takes the stage and announces that she's 54. So I guess she's not in the Girls category like I originally thought. We get a little backstory on her, in which we learn that she's a mother of three and a grandmother of seven. She's decided this is her time and she sings "Alabaster Box" by CeCe Winans. Not exactly a well-known standard, that, but she turns out to have a way soulful voice and delivery, like she's been practicing this for the last thirty-some years. In fact, she's so good that not only do the judges let her finish the whole song, so do the editors. She gets a standing ovation from the audience and all four judges, half of whom are moved to tears. They all gush over her, and Demi even says she felt like she was listening to Whitney. You'll notice she didn't say that to the person who actually sang a Whitney song earlier. Paulina tells her in Spanish that it's a resounding yes, Kelly tries and fails to emulate her, Demi says it's her easiest yes yet and Simon says no. But see, he's just kidding. I think we have an early frontrunner. If she can just find a way to stop being 54 she should go far.
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On to New Orleans, because spending more than five minutes in one city gets pretty boring. We rejoin the auditions with a montage of Simon shooting down ill-conceived groups in rapid succession. This prepares us to meet Alex and Sierra, a couple from Daytona Beach and Orlando, respectively. They're pretty smarmy and clearly relying on their "chemistry," which seems to consist largely of a lot of googly eyes at each other. They get out onstage, and Simon asks if they're siblings, which unfortunately just gives them further opportunities to be schmoopy. And then they sing "Toxic" by Britney Spears, using their own slow, acoustic guitar-based arrangement. She at least has a decent voice and then he joins in with some fairly good harmonies. I like their chances, but you know how they like to throw people together into groups after the eliminations? I start thinking the reverse is going to happen here. But then he gets a solo and acquits himself just as well. The audience loves them and the judges think they're adorable. Even Simon, who was expecting to hate them. Four yeses later, they're in. She's working the adorkable thing pretty hard, but if they can figure out how to modulate it they can probably coast on it a while until everyone's sick of it.
Back to Charleston, where a girl named Rion Paige with big curly blonde hair and tiny arms struts out onto the stage. It's tough to tell what age she is because she acts and sounds pretty grown up, but she also tells Demi that she's a Camp Rock fan, which means she can't be over twenty. Simon invites her to share something about herself, which is his uncharacteristically polite way of asking, "What's up with those freaky meathooks?" Rion rattles off the tongue-twisting name for her joint condition, and how it means she has to figure out how to do things differently because of the way her hands curve. Some backstory tells us that these adaptive strategies have included things like holding a microphone with her knees. She's there with her mom, who is supportive (and also pretty damn camera-friendly), watching with the rest of the fam backstage as Rion launches into Carrie Underwood's "Blown Away." This is when the subtitles tell us she's 13. She's doing a good enough job with the song that most of the audience is on its feet by the first chorus, and so are the female judges by the end of it. And even Simon joins them for the ovation. Clearly they're all impressed. Paulina says music heals everything, though obviously it hasn't. Simon tells her she's "literally extraordinary," and compares this to the first time he met Carrie Underwood. It's not exactly a tension-filled vote, with yeses across the board and Simon saying it's the easiest one he's ever given in his life. Wow, she was good but not that good. She bops back off the stage and into the arms of her family. And into a season of terrible jokes about her hands made on the internet by people who aren't me.
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So get this -- we're done! I think we've all learned something, and what I've learned is that a one-hour season premiere is way better than one that runs two and a half.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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