Did you know all four acts in the semi-finals want to go on to the finals and some of them even want to win? I think that can only result in conflict and disappointment for at least one of them.
Here are Mario and Khloe, and then here are the judges, and then here's Mario's speech about what tonight means. Here's a surprise: it's a big deal. Khloe tells us that someone named Bridgit Mendler will be performing later, whoever that is, and Bruno Mars will sing as well. They add that there's no sing-off or judges' decision tonight, like they mentioned several times last night. And to answer the question of how they're going to fill the extra time, the top four launch into a group sing of some sweet ballad, with Carly kicking it off, Tate picking it up ,and Fifth Harmony coming in with some gentle harmonies before Emblem3 comes bullying in with a noisy, jarring rap interlude for tools. So really, everyone's playing to their own strengths here. Except for the part at the very end when they're all lip-syncing. That's a skill that most of them still need a little work on.
Time for the rundown of last night's action. L.A. congratulated Tate backstage while they wore their matching hats, and Tate was pretty confident despite Britney's lukewarm comments. Carly resolved to work harder after Simon seemed less impressed than usual, Emblem3 were happy to have won back Demi's approval, Fifth Harmony were thrilled at getting unanimous praise from the judges' table for once, Tate hoped for the best after his second song and L.A. described Carly's second performance as "problematic." Emblem3 somehow thought they were "literally one more performance" from winning it all, and Fifth Harmony seemed cautiously optimistic after what was most likely their last performance together ever.
After the clips, Khloe asks Simon if he's expecting any surprises tonight. Well, if he were, they wouldn't be surprises, would they? He's still hoping against hope for "my girls," while Britney simply says she's feeling confident about Carly. Thanks for the insight as always, Brit.
Now there's a bunch of clips of the contestants talking about how much they want to win, again, some more, forever and ever. We start with Tate saying he doesn't have mom and dad to go home to: "I am mom and dad." And yet here you are. Emblem3 says they've been wanting this since the beginning of time, which according to geologists is the late 1990s. Fifth Harmony have their usual slumber-party vibe, and Carly talks about how this means everything to her. And all along I was hoping that someone would finally be, "Eh, I could take it or leave it."
Time to once again bring out the remaining acts with their mentors: Britney with Carly, L.A. with Tate, and Simon with Fifth Harmony and Emblem3. I know which team would lose if it were a street fight, that's for sure. Mario gets ready to announce the first act who gets to go through, and it's... Fifth Harmony! They freak out, of course, and even Emblem3 looks happy for them, even though this almost certainly means the end for the boys. Simon laughs incredulously because even he can't believe it, and Britney's making a hilarious WTF face that is probably all over the internet in .gif form by the time you read this. The hosts get some happy reactions from Simon and a couple of the girls, and Mario leaves us with the bad news: one of last week's top three is going to be out of here. And Britney's continued horrified expression doesn't say much for her opinion of Carly's prospects.
Coming back, Mario tells us about the "shock" result that came before the ads (I listen carefully but in vain for five young female voices to yell out from backstage, "We heard that!"), and L.A. says Simon was right last night when he said anything can happen because it just did. Khloe turns to Britney and mentions her total lack of poker face earlier, and Britney says she was disappointed, figuring it would be the other way around for the groups. Which doesn't say much for her opinion of Emblem3's prospects.
Before we can continue, Bridgit Mendler is here to sing an unthreatening little pop song and be young, skinny and blonde. She seems like one of those people who wouldn't have reached an episode in this stage of the competition if she weren't already famous. Or, you know, getting there, since I'm not sure she is. At least not enough to get a standing ovation from the judges. There's another long plug for the upcoming 2013 auditions, and then I need to take some time to try to restore my will to live.
There are still more results to announce, and Mario works in an even longer pause before announcing the name of the second act going to the finale. It's Tate Stevens, shocker, and Simon looks like a Star Trek transporter just beamed an entire peeled lemon into his mouth. Khloe calls Tate over to make him cry by bringing up his wife, and earns her bonus for the week by succeeding. As for L.A., he admits he's not a country music fan, but he is a Tate Stevens fan. That leaves Carly and Emblem3 waiting to find out which of them goes on to week's final and which of them gets taken out back and shot, along with their mentor. That's the only explanation for the expression Britney's currently wearing.
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Backstage after the ads, Khloe is so nervous on behalf of the two remaining acts flanking her that she's even more unable to speak than usual. As opposed to the actual Carly and Emblem3 guy, both of whom are way more articulate than she is at the moment.
Time for the Bruno Mars performance, and the list of his achievements includes "Over 1 billion online hits!" Whatever that means. He and his band do a laser-lit performance of his new song that looks and sounds like Kool & the Gang or something, complete with synchronized choreography from all the musicians. Except I don't recall Kool & the Gang being all that into lasers. Seriously, I can't believe nobody explodes. When he's finished, Mario says the wait is now over. After the commercials, that is. Which means the wait isn't actually over at all.
When we come back, Khloe boredly tells us that whatever happens will definitely be a shock. And then, one long pause later, long enough to linger long and nosily on the faces of everyone from the finalists to the judges to the acts' families waiting nervously backstage, we find out the third act going to the finale: Carly Rose Sonenclar. So much for Emblem3.
Simon seems pretty disappointed, while Britney's face hardly moves. Sure, now she gets a poker face. Carly tells Emblem3 she can't wait to buy their album, and after she and Britney are dismissed from the stage, Emblem3 gets their bro on about how much they appreciate their fans, even though they just couldn't get it done this week. There's a long, overly detailed montage of their run on the show, but with all up and no downs so that one might wonder why they're leaving, if they hadn't been watching the season all along. Simon philosophically says this is the way it goes sometimes, although he's disappointed for the guys.
So it's Fifth Harmony, Tate Stevens, and Carly Rose Sonenclar as week's finalists. One of them will win the season, and I think we all know who it's not going to be.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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