The pre-credits sequence has not one, not two, but six references to fighting. If it doesn't let up soon, someone's going to have to actually fight. We also learn that only one act will be eliminated this week, in advance of week's finals. Okay, fine, I'll take it. Get on with it.
Mario and Khloe come out and welcome us to the semi-finals week, in which the top four will be whittled down to the top three. Khloe adds that there will be no sing-off or judges' decision this week, which kind of makes me wonder how they're going to fill three hours. I guess we're about to find out. Mario also announces a "leaderboard blackout" for the duration, which I suspect someone is regretting not instituting from the start. The hosts chat with the judges a bit, mainly to get us used to the fact that Simon's hair is extra tall tonight, making his head look even more like a can of spray-paint than usual, and then the semi-finalists are brought out: Tate Stevens, Carly Rose Sonenclar, Fifth Harmony, and Emblem3. Only on this show could the top four be ten people.
After the first break, the hosts are coming to us from high in the audience as they explain that the contestants will each sing two songs tonight: one that they chose themselves, and one designed to get them to the finals. So the first hour is just the singers performing for their own entertainment, then? Can I just skip to the second half?
All right, fine. L.A. is wearing a big black cowboy hat in solidarity as he introduces Tate Stevens. Who, we're reminded, won first place last week. In his intro reel, he explains to L.A. how he's chosen the song "Bonfire" in appreciation of his friends back home. His wife's had enough of his weekly musical tongue-baths, I guess. The only issue is that as we see in the intro reel, L.A. doesn't seem too convinced this song is going to do it. I admit to being entertained by the spectacle of Tate in "choreography," which seems to involve a lot of bouncing and pumping the mic stand.
At least it all stays in the performance, whose production theme includes mountains of tires shown on the projection screens for some reasons. Which would make it the smelliest bonfire ever. Tate works the unchallenging song pretty hard, belting it out and even ending on a high note, while L.A. holds up his end by keeping the hat on throughout. Britney says it has to be the best at this point, and this wasn't Tate's. Demi, who applauded over her head at the end in a sort of one-eighth standing ovation, couldn't disagree more. Simon gives Tate credit for not picking something mushy and bringing the song he wanted to perform, which made it one of Simon's favorites. Plus, "You look like a man right now who believes he can win the competition." L.A. gives Tate credit for picking the song and helping him have the most fun he's had since the show started. Maybe part of that was the hat. Khloe asks Britney what she wanted from Tate, and she says she's seen it before better. Man, Britney's strategy of running down her protégé's main competition couldn't be more obvious if she were getting out of a limo with it under her skirt.
After the ads, there's more pitching of the X Factor app, and Britney introduces Carly, who gets a whole retrospective intro reel like she's leaving the show. She says it was a tough week, plummeting to second place and losing Diamond from the competition. Before leaving, Diamond bucked her up pretty hard, though, saying she has to win it for Britney's team. Carly tells Britney that her choice is "Your Song" by Elton John, because of how her dad used to play it for her when she was a baby. Like, in 2001. She starts out low and slow on a mostly dark stage, standing on a platform over a sea of stage smoke, and then amps it up a bit for the second verse, walking slowly to center stage while the floor lights up under her steps "Billie Jean" style. She's joined by a children's choir at the end for some reason and of course throws in a big finish, and I hardly thought about Moulin Rouge at all during that. Her mom and dad hug happily backstage as she proceeds to the judgment spot.
L.A. tells her she picked a really risky song for this point in the competition, but she did things with it he's never heard before. Demi points out that now that she doesn't have an act in the completion any more, everyone can trust that she's being totally honest, and tells Carly it was kind of predictable. And yet it was her favorite song Carly's done. "I don't care if it was predictable." Simon spends most of his time trying to get Demi to clarify what she just said, and Demi says, "He can't hear, he's really old." Simon grossly says, "I'm going to ignore my little brat." Please do so, then, and quit flirting. Simon also liked it, and says this was the first time he's seen any emotion from Carly, but he thinks she can do better performance-wise. Britney calls her a huge superstar, taking less time than any of the other judges as usual. Which I always complain about, but I guess it's almost certainly better than the alternative.
Coming back, Khloe repeats that with no sing-off and no judges' decision tomorrow, it's all down to votes this week. I'm sure it's a coincidence that Emblem3 is up . We see them wounded by Demi's criticism last week, and one of them says, "There's literally only one round left till we're in the finals." Sure of ourselves, aren't we? They've picked "Baby I Love Your Way," one of their mom's favorite songs. The two brothers Skype with their sister, and rehearse a performance designed to basically shut Demi up. And to prove that they're ready to command the stage, they start out lying down on it, singing up to a camera overhead. They're doing a reggae/hip-hop version, and I'm not sure I love the idea of them roaming the stage more, because when they performed the old way, at least their douchiness was contained. Simon has also given us little subliminal clues by filling the projection screens with images of gold Emblem3 records.
After they finally finish, L.A. says they're lucky to be so charming and charismatic, but that this is the first time he's seen them have the five-million-dollar moment. Britney says they're more than a boy band, and Demi says this is all she wanted from them. Simon tells them it reminded him of their very first audition. "And if this doesn't get you into the finals, nothing will." Here's hoping.
Khloe has some awkward interactions with audience members, and Simon uses his introduction of Fifth Harmony to take a jab at Demi for not having any acts left. They've picked "Anything Can Happen" by Ellie Goulding, and are determined to prove L.A. and Demi wrong by amping up their harmonies and choreography, respectively, as we see in the intro reel of their interminable rehearsals. Then their performance starts out all precious as they're seated at some balloon table like a scene from an all-girl Alice in Wonderland or something, complete with a skull-dwarfing bow looming over one of their heads. And then it gets weird, with dudes dressed as tuxedoed butterflies and images on the projection screens that look like they were peeled off the drum of a steamroller that just ran over a Katy Perry video. Oh, and harmonies. Not much choreography, though.
L.A. slowly says that was their best vocal performance ever, which I agree with, even if he wasn't any more into the "waiters" than I was Britney loves everything about it, up to and including their fifth-birthday-party outfits. Demi agrees that it was all cute and great. Simon says they've been underdogs, so it's going to take a miracle to get them into the finals, but anything can happen, like the song says. There's that Cowell confidence. Not.
Mario and Khloe return with some more awkwardness and a plug for a Bruno Mars performance during tomorrow night's show. L.A. puts his hat back on to introduce Tate's second song. It's "Fall" by Clay Walker, which L.A. picked, and which is another one for his wife. Also this week, Tate took his wife out to East Hollywood to celebrate their fifteenth wedding anniversary. He talks to her at the table about how he'll be able to take care of her the right way if he wins. Of course, he's already wearing a v-neck t-shirt and a cowboy hat in a white-tablecloth restaurant, so he seems to think he's already won. He's resolved to make it to the finals...for her.
He sings the emotional plea for the woman he loves to enjoy herself a long-overdue meltdown, and it's emotional and solid and professional as always, but with some actual falsetto notes in the choruses. Britney says we've seen him hit and miss a lot, but that was a direct hit. Demi says his wife must feel so lucky. Sure she does, running things at home and with the kids during the holidays. Simon reminds him that it's a reality show, and addresses Tate's previously (and frequently) stated concerns by saying, "There is about as much chance of you going back to your old job as me flying to the moon tomorrow night." He thinks Tate deserves to get into the final. So he wants it to be his two groups and Tate, then? L.A. takes issue with Britney's accusation of "misses," which I was going to do as well until I remembered the Bon Jovi tunes. Tate finishes up with some more expressions of gratitude toward his wife. He's got a bit of a hole to dog out of after that one song to other people, after all.
Mario and Khloe introduce a whole long clip package that starts with the different audition methods employed by this year's finalists, and ends with a list of cities where the 2013 auditions will be held: Los Angeles, Charleston, New Orleans, Long Island, and Denver, with online auditions opening tomorrow. Yes, it's true: there's going to be a 2013 season. Anything can happen, like the song says.
Britney introduces Carly's second song, promising a whole different side of her. And then we see her telling Carly last week that she's chosen "Imagine" by John Lennon. Britney suggests having her play the piano while she sings, which she thinks will earn Carly a lot more respect in the music world. That is if she doesn't blow it because Britney piled too much on her. Her dad gives her encouragement while they stroll around Hollywood, and then Carly's second song is coming up...after the break. Are we going long tonight, or is it me?
Coming back, we go right into Carly's performance, and she is indeed playing the piano, at least for the first verse. You can feel the music world's respect really ratcheting up in those four lines. She seems relieved to get up and sing in front of the piano, and ambush us with a couple of gratuitous glory notes in the second chorus. She does an overblown final chorus, and then returns to the piano to finish up the last couple of lines. L.A. says she took it up "one notch," and says she always know how to find that note. Carly quickly thanks him before he can add that it got a little silly. Demi says the only predictable thing about it was how amazing it was, and Simon would have kept her at the piano if it were up to him. "It was like five things went on throughout that song," which he thinks rendered it "fussy." Overall, he didn't like the arrangement. Britney disagrees, of course, and says it's time for her to go beyond this stage. I think Carly would probably prefer that not happen this week, though.
Then there's Khloe doing some backstage banter with Tate, Carly, and a totally silent Fifth Harmony, as she remarks on Carly's first negative criticism ever. Simon introduces Emblem3 as slowly as he can, and their intro reel shows Simon literally phoning in their song assignment for this week, "Hey Jude," in which he's giving the least visible of the three the big solo at the end. He's a little nervous about it, but his brother gives him some encouragement for the cameras.
They start out singing while sitting on a fake brick wall covered with Emblem3 graffiti (Simon once again cleverly and subliminally helping us imagine a world in which Emblem3 are already pop stars), with Drew holding his guitar again. Then they jump off the wall all bro-like for the big finish, which is accompanied by a backing chorus of skate punks singing the na-na-na-na-na part. . L.A. says it was a ballsy move, comparing themselves to the Beatles, but they pulled it off. Britney calls it A-level and invites them to take a bow, which of course they do. Never need to ask them twice. Demi doesn't go as far as L.A., but says they have potential. Simon's just proud of them for nailing it both times.
The hosts come back to flog tomorrow night's show, and Simon says he's praying this won't be the last time we hear Fifth Harmony. It totally will. They tell us the song Simon picked for them is impossible. No, I'm wrong, it's "Impossible," the song they did at Simon's house. We see them talking on the phone with Simon about the song, to which they're going to add some Spanish for some reason. Because America loves Spanish, right? I hate to say it, but this seems like asking for trouble. On the bright side, this may be the first time in months that an act could conceivably get away with forgetting lyrics. Camilla steals the show like in the early live shows, but they make the mistake of staying put on their individual pedestals throughout, and you know Demi's going to hate that. L.A. calls them out on a lazy song choice, doing something we've already heard from them. Britney says it was "pretty good," and would be surprised to see them here week. Demi says that part of being the underdog means relying on their fan base for support, because it sure isn't coming from the judges' table. Simon of course maintains that they did the right thing, because Simon is never wrong. He insists they were one of the strongest acts of the night. I agree that they were in the top four, for sure. When the hosts join them on the stage, Mario thanks them in Spanish and cues up the recap montage. Which includes both songs from each act, even though it was supposedly the second song that was designed to get them to the finals. Mario gets to deliver the big mouthful opening the voting lines all by himself, with no help from Khloe, which is probably wise.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.