Rather than starting with an overdramatic pre-credits sequence, we just open on Simon intoning from the judges' table, "Words cannot describe what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary School last week." He continues with a short speech of sympathy to the families, which serves as an introduction to their tribute: a group sing of "You Are Not Alone," with returning contestants including Beatrice Miller, Arin Ray, Diamond White, CeCe Frey (dragging down the curve as always), Paige Thomas (not sounding much better than CeCe, as their rivalry continues), Jennel Garcia, Vino Alan and Emblem3; then there's Tate and Fifth Harmony and Carly, all of them dressed all in white right up to Tate and Vino's hats. They're joined by a similarly dressed children's chorus while the names of the victims are shown on the projector screens behind them. Sorry, The X Factor -- The Voice did this better too.
Oh, now we get the overdramatic pre-credits sequence. There's a short retrospective of the three finalists: Tate Stevens, Carly Rose Sonenclar and Fifth Harmony. Demi says tonight is the night they've all been working for. Well, not her as of two weeks ago.
So with all that plus the credits behind us, we come back live to the auditorium, where some kind of Cirque du Soleil drum corps both precedes and parenthesizes the entrance of the judges and finalists, the latter of whom are still dressed like emissaries from the afterlife. Mario and Khloe are actually the last to enter, looking like a couple of cake toppers as they tell us that this -- once again, as always, forever and ever, world without end -- is it: three finalists competing for a $5 million recording contract. We check in via remote video feed at public "viewing" parties for Carly in Westchester, New York; Tate in Belton, Missouri, and Ally from Fifth Harmony in San Antonio. The other four hometowns of her bandmates couldn't get it together, I guess.
When we come back the hosts are in the audience explaining how it's going down tonight: each act will sing three songs, which I consider unnecessarily cruel to both them and me. The first song will be their "song of the season," supposedly one they did earlier in the season. The performance order was randomly selected, so we're starting with Carly. But of course, there's an intro reel that goes back not just to her first audition, but beyond to home video from 2001 with her older brother pretending to be Simon. Don't ask me how all the Sonenclars knew that Simon would be on The X Factor by now. We relive her whole run on the show to date, and then she's on the stage singing "Feelin' Good," the song that got her a four-way standing ovation at her very first audition. Except this time she's wearing leather pants instead of cutoffs. Guess what, though? She nails it. I know! L.A. warns that she has to top everything she's done up until now, "And you did." Demi is impressed with her youthful ability to command the stage. Simon smirks that she's here to win and says it was better tonight than the first time, when she blew them all away. Britney has literally a dozen words to say about how they're going to win. Then we have to check in with the viewing party in Westchester, where the mayor makes an ill-heard speech and declares it Carly Rose Sonenclar Day while standing to a woman holding a giant tray of cupcakes. Carly literally just looks embarrassed by it all, like, "I don't even know that guy." Mario tips Carly's hat over her eyes for the second time this season before going to the commercial break. I think he's telling you to quit wearing those, Carly.
Tate's up and his retro-reel goes back even further into the past, to his early childhood and his love of music, and moves right into how unlike the kids in the competition who want to win, he needs to win. Or else his family dies. Sorry, that's just how it is. He also brings back the song from his initial audition, "Anything Goes" (not the Cole Porter one), but it's bigger and more confident than before. Clearly he also came to win. "When you do right down the middle country you're right on," Britney says. Tate decides to take that as a compliment. Demi says it was a stadium performance and Simon agrees with her for once. He and L.A. both give Tate credit for not having changed who he is. And I guess to enforce that, there's the live uplink to Tate's old high school in Belton, where his construction boss hollers unintelligibly about not expecting him back and the mayor holds up a picture of Belton's water tower with Tate's name Photoshopped onto it. Believe it or not, Tate gets all choked up over the show of support.
Simon got to pick the "song of the season" for Fifth Harmony, "Anything Can Happen." They have a final mentoring session in which Simon claims to remember all of their individual first auditions and talks about how they're the underdogs and blah blah blah. They're doing not only the same song as last week, they're even bringing back everything else about the production, including the butterfly waiters. Only had time to rehearse two songs this week, did we Simon? Anyway, I already described it once last week, so I'm not going to do it again. L.A. tells Simon that he never thought they could work as a group when he first saw them, but he's shocked and says they're now the ones to beat. Britney calls it spectacular, girly and fun. Demi says she hopes America votes for them. Simon says they might not win, but sometimes he likes being the underdog and it would be amazing if they won. Yes, I agree that the conspiracy theories would be outstanding. There's some live messages of support for Ally from back in San Antonio, which she can't shut up about during or after. Mario promises surprises for the round. We'll be the judge of how surprising it is, buddy.
Coming back, the hosts remind us about the whole Pepsi endorsement that's totally even better than the $5 million contract. Carly is reintroduced, with more promises for a huge surprise, which the hashtag on the screen reading #DivasDuet may or may not be a clue about. Carly begins singing "How Do I Live" and then stops so she can introduce LeeAnn Rimes. Well, I would have been surprised. As it is, we just have to be surprised at how very alarming the former teen star looks these days. Behold your future, Carly Rose Sonenclar. After they do their best to out-belt each other while pretending to enjoy themselves, the hosts come out and let them gush about how amazing it was for both of them. Britney gets to declare them "shockingly amazing," and that's all the judges' remarks for that performance. So does it not count then?
For Tate's second performance, L.A. mentions another special guest and the hashtag is #TateTown. Sounds like a major downgrade from Tate Nation, unless you're aware that the song he's singing, "Pontoon," is by the country foursome Little Big Town, who come out and join him for the second verse. Ever done a duet with a four-piece band? Don't. Tate shouldn't have. It's so awkward that he actually looks uncomfortable on this stage for the first time ever. Or maybe I'm just projecting. L.A. however, lies that Tate seemed right at home. I thought he just looked like he was wishing he was there instead of here.
There's another plug for the 2013 auditions and then Simon reintroduces Fifth Harmony "with a very, very good friend of mine." And then the group starts singing "Give Your Heart a Break" again over the hashtag "Sixth Harmony," which is less of a clue to their celebrity duet partner than the long-distance shot of the stage revealing that Demi's chair is more vacant than usual. And since she's the one who originally recorded this song, I don't know why Camilla's mid-song intro of her is so overwhelmed and emotional and even disbelieving at the honor being bestowed upon her and her bandmates. But there's Demi singing with them, looking a little out of place in her work clothes and all. Simon loved it though, and he pops up for the standing ovation faster than I've ever seen him do on this show. Afterward, Demi tells the hosts that it was "so much fun" and the group says it was "amazing." Even Simon acts pained to tell Demi she was sensational and even invites her to join the group. And I thought the Tate Stevens thing was embarrassing.
For her third performance tonight, Carly is dressed as Cleopatra on a white-draped stage to sing Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah." I didn't know Britney was even aware of that song. It's pretty beautiful, though. L.A. correctly says she didn't oversing it, even though she found "the famous Carly Rose note," as always. He asks rhetorically if it was a $5 million-winning performance, but over the crowd noise, he decides to leave it up to America. Demi says she's always been impressed with her and Simon tells her she looked great and sounded great. "You've had a good night." Britney just tells Simon to get out his checkbook. Which, you know, he's going to do either way. But first we go back to Westchester. There's a lot of excited people there, including a little boy who keeps videobombing the shot by jumping up and down in front of the camera, and I can't even blame it on a communal sugar high because nobody appears to have touched those mysterious cupcakes.
L.A. hearkens back to his "miniature meltdown" when he found out he had the Over 25 category, but didn't know how lucky he was to be mentoring Tate, who sings another country ballad, "Love You Like There's No Tomorrow," a song that Google autocomplete attributes to a good half-dozen other singers. Pick your favorite, I guess. It's a pretty straightforward production, with him alone on a stage that's bare of everything but a few inches of floor-fog. Britney tells him it was great, "But then again, I always enjoy what you do." Uh-huh. I'm not sure she even knows whom she's talking to. Demi says she's going to miss watching him perform on this stage. And Simon reiterates that Tate doesn't need to worry about his day job. Britney certainly doesn't. L.A. tells Tate to congratulate his family and then Khloe comes out with Mario to make him cry again by asking him to talk about what winning would mean. And then we go back to Belton, where his best friend hollers into the camera and a couple of blonde madwomen, one of whom has Tate's initials drawn on her face, add some incoherent expressions of support on their own behalf. I'm starting to see that Tate had no choice but to develop a strong singing voice coming up in Belton, because there's clearly not a decent microphone to be found in that entire town.
Simon claims to be sad about introducing Fifth Harmony for the last time, singing one of his favorite songs ever. That turns out to be "Let it Be," which Normani seems to have a little trouble finding the key for as she starts off. Like Carly before them, they make it rather churchy, but they add a bit of a beat at the end. Makes it current, I suppose. L.A. says it was beautiful and they've come so far, adding that they did the song a lot of justice. Britney basically echoes that. Demi also talks about how much they've evolved and Simon says that he really believes they deserve to win the competition. At least he admits he's biased, though. Then there's some more yelling from San Antonio, complete with Ally yelling back. I have a headache now.
After the recap clips of tonight's performances, all nine of them, Mario overexplains the dual phone numbers for each act and the various available voting methods while Khloe stands there taking up space. With some final shout-outs to Westchester, Belton and San Antonio (though fortunately, no more shouts back), Mario plugs tomorrow night's finale featuring Pitbull and One Direction and the crowning of the winner. Dammit, Simon's almost convinced me that Fifth Harmony might actually have a chance. I'll get over it soon, though.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.