Mario says the top six will face an agonizing wait tonight. Well, five of them will, because one of them will probably be out of here within ten minutes. After the credits, Khloe lies that the judges are just as nervous as the acts are. I'm sure that's true, because if any of them loses they'll have to go back to Belton, Missouri and pave roads, right? Mario reminds us that Melanie Amaro will be released from witness protection for a performance tonight and Ke$ha will also be inflicted on us later on. Probably to make CeCe look good by comparison.
Let's take a look at last night. After being told by Simon that she wasn't worth five million dollars, CeCe blustered backstage that if he doesn't write the check, someone else might (they won't). Meanwhile, Demi reiterated backstage that Simon's taking Emblem3 in the wrong direction; Everybody Loves Carly and Fifth Harmony took the non-Simon judges' criticism pretty hard, whereas Diamond got bucked up by her mom backstage; and Tate said he took a risk, which is a self-justifying thing artists like to say when they mean "I face-planted." And that's just the first round of last night. So moving on to the Pepsi Challenge round, CeCe claimed to a vocal coach that she deserves to be here because nobody loves their "art" as much as she does. You always hurt the ones you love, CeCe. Emblem3 said Demi needs to chill out a bit, which is just about the douchiest of the douchey things that have ever come out of their mouths. Carly enjoyed more positive feedback, and Fifth Harmony enjoyed getting any at all after their second performance. Diamond did more grubbing for votes backstage and Tate hopes he made up for his first performance with his second one.
Khloe gives us a little history about what happened a year ago in such a way that it's clear she's never heard of Melanie Amaro before this week. But then, neither have a lot of people. Melanie gets an intro reel, which consists entirely of clips from last season -- although she's speaking in almost none of them -- and then she's presented to the audience standing on a perilously narrow and high platform to sing her new anonymous up-tempo pop single, "Long Distance." Which I don't expect many people have heard before or will hear again. Now I'm just dreading the return of Chris Rene week. As the song goes on, Melanie is lowered gradually to the stage and joined by a couple of backup singers to finish up, along with a little confetti snow and some minimal choreography. Standing ovation from all four judges, because if she's awesome, they're awesome. The hosts come out and ask her how her life is different and she says that people love her and recognize her now. Also, her accent appears to be gone again, so that's too bad.
Commercials. I do appreciate these promos for American Idol that imply what a rinky-dink little imposter this show is.
Khloe and Mario do some ads for not just the X Factor app, but also some headphones, which Simon says are the best in the world, having had a hand in the design and all. And then there's whole sequence about the headphones with the contestants talking about how much music means to them (CeCe plays the bullied card, because that's what it's come to for her) and how invaluable these headphones are to anyone who isn't a total tin-eared philistine. Though not in quite those exact words. I was wrong; this is an agonizing wait after all.
The hosts bring out the mentors and the top six: Britney with Carly and Diamond, L.A. with Tate, Demi with CeCe and Simon with Emblem3 and Fifth Harmony. Mario says one of them is leaving the competition right now, but between the pauses and everything, it's at least a full minute before he finally announces that the act with the lowest number of votes is... CeCe Frey. At long last. She and her bedazzled leopard spots come across the stage and give a prepared speech about how you need to be strong and love yourself, while of course the expression on her face says "I WILL KILL YOU ALL." Demi, who's wearing leopard spots of her own in solidarity, says she hasn't had time to react so pretty much all that happens is a long hug between them that makes me hope they were both checked for weapons. Demi's the first mentor to be dropped from the competition as a mentor, but she's still in it as a judge. Even though having chosen CeCe probably should have disqualified her from day one.
After more ads, the hosts are ready to reveal some of week's semifinalists, in no particular order. The first act named is Emblem3, who leave the stage while Simon moves to stand to Fifth Harmony. Carly is also safe, which leaves Fifth Harmony, Tate Stevens, or Diamond White in the bottom two. And you know it's not going to be Tate, so Diamond's back in the bottom two, this time up against Fifth Harmony. Mario asks her how she feels and she says she feels awesome getting this far and is looking forward to killing her song. The Fifth Harmony member who looks like a young Jennifer Connelly says they'll also bring it. I don't know... I think the contestants' mansion is going to be a lot less crowded after tonight.
But before I'm proven right, Khloe is backstage with the bottom two, asking Diamond if her experience having been in the bottom two before is an advantage. Diamond gives a pleasant response that basically means that's a stupid question, which I can't argue with. Someone in Fifth Harmony stammers something similar, and then it's time for Ke$ha to take the stage and... you know, be Ke$ha. It's a surprisingly stripped-down production, which looks more like a Laser Floyd show than anything else, but I'm pleased to report that she's as awful live as on her recording. Except I'm pretty sure she's lip-syncing on at least the chorus. Several half-dressed cast members from Cats join her as backup dancers for the end, which doesn't come fast enough and the judges give her a standing ovation as well. Maybe their chairs are extra uncomfortable tonight.
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After the ads, Mario asks Simon to introduce his first act. Simon whines that the doesn't want to go first, because he always has to mess with the elimination process somehow or other, but eventually relents and introduces Fifth Harmony. They come out and sing a love song to friendship and to each other, with some actual harmonies along with the usual lead-juggling. And then we go right to Britney introducing "the girl door who sings like an angel, Diamond White." Diamond comes out smiling like this is just another performance and sings a song I last heard at a funeral, but with a spacier arrangement. Seriously, I think I hear a Theremin in there. And once again, she puts it all out there. No coasting at all. Fifth Harmony is brought back out and Mario asks Simon to send one of the acts home first. Rather than bitching about it, Simon congratulates them both and votes to send home Diamond, admitting his bias for once, but arguing that the competition would miss Fifth Harmony if they left. Is he allowed to try to influence the other judges like this? Who am I kidding -- he does what he wants. Britney's sending home Fifth Harmony rather than her number-two protégé, obvi. Mario turns to L.A., the first "impartial" judge, who goes on about what a tough decision this is before saying that he's sending home Diamond White. That leaves it down to Demi and Diamond is not smiling anymore. Before giving her decision, Demi delivers a speech about how both acts are in good shape (just like last year's fifth-place act, who I don't even remember), but then sends home Diamond. Everyone in Fifth Harmony hugs her before they leave the stage to be eliminated week, and as Britney comes up onstage, Khloe reminds Diamond that she was booted once before and came back, I guess to make her think that might happen again and asks her how she's feeling. Diamond stays positive, pointing out that Cher Lloyd came in fifth and she's doing okay. Yes, but that was in the U.K., where this show is an actual thing. Montage of Diamond's time on the show, including her ejection and return. Maybe year she can come back again in a group with Arin Ray. Britney gives her these inspiring words: "Sweetie, I just think you are so young and the future is ahead of you and the world is yours." Thanks for signing her yearbook, Britney. Before going to ads and teasing the full results of the vote coming up after the break, Mario asks how L.A.'s thinking those will turn out. L.A.'s pretty confident that his guy will be in the top three. Mario points out that there's actually a top four now, because he seems to have forgotten that the fourth slot is already spoken for. Math is hard.
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After the ads, the hosts and the acts are back onstage as Mario reminds us that yes, Fifth Harmony was number four. Emblem3 comes in third, and Simon looks pissed, although he still claims that he thinks they have a chance of winning. Rather less confident than he was a few rounds ago. As always, that leaves Tate and Carly in the top two. L.A. and Britney make a few comments, and finally Mario announces that the second-place singer for this week is Carly, making Tate the winner. "It has all changed at the top yet again," Mario says, as though it hasn't been these two all along. And as though it won't be those two in the finals in two weeks. Congratulations though, on making semifinals week the least suspenseful one of the entire series.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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