Khloe and Mario are coming to us from the audience, surrounded by stiff-necked fans as they tell us that someone will be leaving tonight for good. Plus they'll be revealing the rankings of everyone tonight for the first time ever! But I think we're all really here to see the live performances from One Direction. And when I say "I," I mean "Mario and Khloe."
So after the credits, we go right into a song by One Direction, who perform "Live While We're Young" while the audience screams Beatlemania-style. Yes, they're very popular. Yes, The X Factor, you're very relevant. I'm just glad I can recognize these guys from that Pepsi commercial. At the end, there are so many giant red and white balloons released that I fear the auditorium is about to be in a high-speed collision. After their song, Mario and Khloe usher them down to the main level of the stage from their half-dominoed stack of fake London phone booths, where Mario exposits that they owe their very existence to our own Simon Cowell but are considering adding a sixth member. They name-drop Drew Brees, who I also know from that Pepsi commercial. And then they get him on a live video link where he pretends to have been left behind by the band in Alaska and gives a shout-out to 1DB. Seriously, does Khloe Kardashian-Odom not already provide enough awkwardness for several shows?
Oh, and look, here's the Drew Brees/One Direction Pepsi ad. What a coincidence.
Coming back, Mario draws the attention of those who care to Lea Michele in the audience. Yep, there she is. So now let's get on with the much more vital business of flashing back to last night. As we did then, we're starting with Arin Ray, who sang and then got good feedback from the judges and still doesn't want to go home like he did at this time last year. After Paige's performance, Simon told Demi backstage to figure her out already, only to be told, "You're just jealous." Vino Alan got some encouragement from L.A. after Demi told him he doesn't look like a pop star, as well as a hug from his son Sky backstage. Drew from Emblem3 had an awkward moment with his mom, and Beatrice Miller and her Union Jacked-up coat were just happy she didn't mess up. Jennel insisted that she loves her new look despite Simon's criticism, and Tate got to be with his family backstage, which explains why we never got to see him cry last night. Lyric 145 accepted congratulations from L.A. even though he hated their performance, and Diamond made even a guy from Emblem3 say, "She just made us look like a bunch of chumps." CeCe told Jennel backstage that she needed to redeem herself after last week before going out and failing to do so, although Demi assured her afterward that Simon's criticism was "just PMS." Carly was of course bucked up by the judges' comments, and Jason said he was just being himself, which is why it stung when Simon criticized his style. And Fifth Harmony (as they're known for now) are just happy to have improved since last week.
So with the recap behind us, the hosts bring out the judges, who enter from upstage with the members of their categories. Once they're all out there, Mario says it's time to reveal who made the top twelve by getting the most votes last night, all of whom will be back week. Just like that? All at once, right now? This is going to be a short show. Mario busts out Steve Jones's old line about the results being in "no particular order," as well as several of Steve Jones's old dramatic pauses before announcing the name of Arin Ray. With similarly Pinteresque timing, Khloe names Paige Thomas. They alternate this way, also slowly dribbling out the names of Diamond White, Vino Alan, Jennel Garcia, and Emblem3 before we take another commercial break. So no, not just like that, not all at once, not right now.
Coming back, Mario does another extended-play remix of the X-Factor app sales pitch from the control room and then sends it back down to Khloe, who's introducing One Direction again. But first we get to have a whole retrospective package from their illustrious triumph on The X Factor U.K., starting with their humble individual auditions and culminating in this moment, in which they are the biggest boy band in the world, the pinnacle of human evolution, and revered as gods, verily. Okay, so sing already. They do. It's a ballad. It's pretty. The girls love it. But I have to say they probably tried a lot harder when they were still trying to win the competition. At least if the performances of their American counterparts are any indication.
After the break, the hosts get ready to name five more members of the top twelve, once again in no particular order: Carly Rose Sonenclar, Tate Stevens, Beatrice Miller (making it a sweep for Britney's Teens category), and Lyric 145. Mario tells us that leaves CeCe Frey, Jason Brock, and Fifth Harmony, two of whom are going to have to sing to stay in the competition. And since the eleventh member of the top twelve is Fifth Harmony, those two will be CeCe and Jason. Which is not entirely surprising, at least in CeCe's case. The bottom two are left on the stage with their mentors, and some messed-up blocking ensues as Mario reminds us that they'll have to sing for survival. Again. To kill a few seconds, Mario asks Demi what CeCe's going to have to do to save herself. Uh, stop being CeCe? Demi is hardly into her sales pitch when she sighs exasperatedly at Simon, which burns up the rest of her intro time.
So then CeCe comes out and sings some desperate ballad (which turns out to be Cher's "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me") as emotionally as a person can when the only emotions that person has ever experienced are ambition and malice. I don't know this song, but with its lyrics about unbowed determination in the face of adversity, and swearing to go on despite being knocked down, it's obvious why CeCe chose it for this occasion.
Coming back, L.A. reintroduces Jason Brock, whom he never liked despite all his "Mr. Entertainment" crap. Jason comes out wearing a black suit and a Trans Am logo for a broach and sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart," keeping it as un-Vegas lounge as he possibly can. I think he did better than CeCe, but I tend to be biased toward humans. Mario and Khloe call CeCe out to rejoin them, and Mario explains the step, which unlike many aspects of the competition is the same as last year. The judges will now vote on whether it's to be Jason or CeCe that will go home. And in the event of a tie, it goes to "Deadlock," which will be easily broken by sending home the person who got fewer votes, so it's really not a deadlock at all. It's more like a bathroom lock, the kind you can open by sticking a toothpick in the little hole.
Anyway, Mario starts with Demi, who of course votes to send Jason home, and naturally L.A. votes to boot CeCe. I do hope I live long enough to see the finalist who gets ousted by his, her, or their own mentor, but that's not happening tonight. So we move on to the neutral votes. Britney votes to send home CeCe without showing any more feeling than CeCe ever does, so of course now it's down to Simon, as usual. With little drama, Simon announces that he's sending home Jason, so it's a Deadlock. Which is probably exactly what Simon wanted, because he doesn't seem too invested either way and he probably figures he might as well leave it up to people who actually care. This is not to be confused with the notorious Scherzinger Maneuver, in which you care very deeply but your terror of being seen as the bad guy, to anyone, so you leave it up to fate and crush a little girl's dreams. I'm sure she's over it, though.
Anyway, Mario makes CeCe and Jason wait forever before announcing that the person going home is...Jason. CeCe is dismissed from the stage so she can fake-cry away from the cameras, and Khloe pries, "Jason, how do you feel right now?" Jason says, "I did it for the gays, and Japan." His boyfriend falls into both of those categories, you'll recall. L.A. joins them onstage for a hug and some complimentary words about how he's proud of Jason and sad to see him go. Yes, because this reduces his chances of winning. So we get a retrospective of Jason's short tenure on the show, beginning with his fantasy-filled opening audition, moving on to Boot Camp, singing on L.A.'s deck, and one whole week's worth of live shows. Mario hopes Jason will keep singing, and he says he'll be going home to San Francisco and pursuing whatever. "Maybe a TV show." I bet they have great public access there.
Mario promises there are even more revelations coming up: "For the very first time, in any singing competition show, we are going to reveal the order in which your votes put the acts." And hopefully we'll also find out why nobody's ever done it before.
After the ads, the hosts stand to L.A. at the judges' table (who really doesn't look broken up at all) and announce that the ranks are about to be revealed. "Obviously CeCe Frey is at the bottom of the leaderboard this week," Mario remarks. Yes, obviously. From here, they start working their way up the rankings, showing a leaderboard on half the screen while the other half shows the reactions of the people getting the news on the stage before they clear off. Number 11 is Arin Ray, and number 10 is Beatrice Miller. The funny thing there is that the camera focuses on her for Mario's entire long pause before he says her name, so it's not exactly a dramatic announcement. Lyric 145 was in ninth place, Paige Thomas was in eighth place, and after a brief chat break with Demi we learn that Jennel got seventh and Emblem3 got sixth, to Simon's obvious surprise. He was expecting them to get number one, which isn't exactly a ringing endorsement of his other two acts. Fifth Harmony got fifth place, making it really lucky for them to have ditched the name 1432, because otherwise they would have been in 1,432nd place and never made it past the first auditions. Diamond White was in fourth, despite (or perhaps because of) getting eliminated the week, and Vino Alan took third, which kind of makes him look like a pop star after all.
With the rest of the top twelve cleared off the stage, Mario and Khloe step up there and have the remaining two, Carly and Tate, bring it in tight. Mario reiterates that this has never been done before and asks L.A for his reaction. He's happy to have two in the top three, and Britney likes having two in the top four. Look who's paying attention, y'all. Finally, with only a minute left on my DVR recording, Mario's ready to name the winner -- or, as someone in his earpiece hastily corrects them, the second-place vote-getter, who turns out to be Carly. So that puts Tate in the lead for the week. "Wow, obviously people in America don't get out a lot," Tate says modestly when asked for his reaction. And then he looks as though he'd really like to go join the rest of the contestants offstage, but Khloe won't let go of his hand all the way through Mario's sign-off. Yeah, great prize there.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.