I sure do enjoy how the pre-credits sequence so frequently edits together snippets of different people's performances so it sounds like they're all singing a single, unbroken, "AAAaaaAAAAAAaaAAAAAAH." A poor man's Wolfman Jack chokes out that of the remaining top sixteen, that eight acts will sing for survival tonight, and four will be sent home. After the credits, the announcer and the audience welcome Khloe and Mario, who bring out the judges/mentors with the usual fanfare. As the fab four take their seats, the hosts explain tonight's procedure: each mentor will pick two of their own acts to automatically go to the top twelve. Mario and Khloe cross the stage unnecessarily in awkward lockstep as he concludes that the other two acts from each category will sing tonight, and one of those will go home -- again, one from each category, so four losers will be crowned tonight. Or flushed, as the case may be. They interview the judges a bit, because that's who we care about. L.A. mentions that he wasn't initially happy about his category (yes, the phone-slamming will live in infamy), Britney talks about how difficult it will be to send home one of the people who have become like her children (and of course they are actual children), Demi says she's looking for the X Factor (working the brand more than any other judge as usual), and Simon claims he still hasn't made up his mind, because suspense=attention.
Lucky for him, Demi's category, the Young Adults, is going first. We see some flashbacks from last night of the performances by and judges' feedback for Paige Thomas, Jennel Garcia, CeCe Frey, and Willie Jones, along with some backstage moments like Paige holding her kid and CeCe trotting out her new vulnerable act while still vowing to show everyone what being a vocalist means in the event she has to save herself tonight. After all these clips, Mario brings out the category's final five. Yes, I can count; the hat Paige is rocking is wide enough to cover any two of Simon's groups, so I'm counting it as a fifth. Demi says she's proud of all of her performers for taking her notes and working hard, and announces that the first of them going to the final twelve will be Jennel. So she's dismissed from the stage for tonight. Demi deploys a rather shorter pause before naming Paige Thomas as the other safe one, leaving Willie and CeCe waiting onstage to sing.
But first we have to cut backstage to watch Khloe awkwardly interviewing a weepy Jennel and then also Paige's hat. Nothing terribly insightful arises from that, as you might imagine. But it gives them time to reset the stage so CeCe can come back out and flash her Manson lamps to the back row before warbling "Out Here On My Own." It's of course a well-known vocalist showcase ballad production type thing, but hearing it come out from behind those killer's eyes is more than a little eerie. L.A. tells her she just saved herself, and Britney says she was powerful tonight after last night's weird Ke$ha impression. Simon asks why she didn't just do something like this last night in the first place. Indeed, I think a running theme tonight is going to be how much better people are without all the distracting overproduction. Mario tells us that Demi has to sit on her hands for now, and then he sends it to ads, promising Willie's save-me song after the break. And despite all the weepy-faces she threw during the judges' comments, CeCe's eyes are still bone-dry. All I know is that if I had to stand as close to her as Mario and Khloe do right now, I'd want Kevlar under my clothes.
Coming back, Khloe and Mario recap the developments thus far and bring out Willie, who has to return to the stage amid the same bombastic opera cue CeCe did. Willie starts into the old country standard "You Don't Know Me," wisely singing it in a low enough key to show off the deep notes that got him here. Demi doesn't look entirely happy at the judges' table, but it's hard to tell whether that's because she's made up her mind already or because she hasn't. After he's done, L.A. reiterates that Willie's unique and that was good and adds that he doesn't envy Demi right now. Britney tells him he's not sure where he fits in. Simon says he wishes Willie could bring back what he brought to his first audition, mentioning that he wishes he were Willie's mentor. The obvious implication is that Demi's blowing it.
So CeCe comes out and stands to Willie, between Khloe and Mario. Khloe asks Demi which one she's sending home, and after a pause, she says it's going to be Willie. CeCe, now officially in the top twelve, fake-cries into his shoulder before being ushered off, and Demi joins them onstage so Willie can mumble some incoherent farewell thoughts. Demi says it's not his time yet, but he needs to go back and figure out how to make it his time. Willie looks like a few more years in Shreveport is the worst sentence he could have gotten.
Coming back, we're moving on to the Over 25s. We get a rewind of how last night went for David Correy (whose parents were backstage), Vino Alan (who didn't disagree with Simon but announced the official end of his previously undeclared crush on Britney), Tate Stevens (who says he wants to go home to his family but not to road work), and Jason Brock (who vented about Simon to a visibly bored Paige backstage), and then they all come out for judgment. L.A. says they were all really good, but admits he failed Jason on the song choice last night. And also on remembering his name just now. As for the two he's sending to the top twelve, he takes his time saying first that he's saving Vino. Khloe sends Vino off to the party backstage, probably because he makes her nervous. L.A. then slowly says that he's also saving Tate. So that leaves Jason and David, one of whom will have to go back to the job he recently got fired from. Oops, was that a spoiler?
This time it's Mario's turn to be backstage with the safe ones. Mario asks Vino what it's like to finally get some validation for the first time in his life, and then asks Tate about talking to his family, which just ends up meaning Mario has to finish Tate's sentence for him when Tate comes over all emotional again. Khloe's out onstage, stiffly telling us that David will be the first to sing for L.A. tonight. David comes out and does a duet with his right arm for a slow, sad version of Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone." L.A. kind of scrunches up his face as though he was kind of looking forward to getting rid of Jason, but this is going to make it a little tough. At least until David throws in all the big glory-note runs at the end. Britney can barely be heard over the ecstatic crowd as she mumbles that she wasn't sure about him but he blew them away tonight. Unfortunately she can sort of be heard. Demi says she didn't like the rendition, calling it forced and that David was "screaming the whole time." Simon agrees that it was a little overdramatic, "But I can see how much this means to you." Like Demi before him, L.A. has to keep mum.
Then, after some more ads, Mario brings out Jason, who shows a lot of improvement over last night's performance by doing "One Moment in Time," a song that actually has a melody. That ends up serving Jason better than all the Vegas cheese he had to battle against last night. Despite what I said earlier, I think he'll be just fine. Britney tells him that he just turned her into a fan, Demi likes his genuineness, and returns L.A.'s comment that she doesn't envy him either. Simon says he doesn't mean to be rude, which you know signals a doozy's about to come out of his mouth, and then he complains that he's being asked to judge two losers in a horse race. He does say that Jason was a million times better tonight, so I guess that's good. David's brought back out to stand with Jason and the hosts, and Mario asks L.A. who he's sending home. L.A. would first like to say to Simon, "That was really mean." He maintains that both Jason and David are talented, but he's torn between "Mr. Entertainment" and the star. But finally he says David's going home. David looks stunned, and after Jason says a quick goodbye, David promises we'll be seeing him again. Now he can go on to join the ever-swelling ranks of famous former semifinalists in televised singing competitions.
At the halfway point, we're moving on to Britney's Teens category, because of course Simon gets to go last. We get to briefly relive last night for Arin Ray (who threatens backstage to do a dance breakdown week just to show Demi what's what), Diamond White (who forgot she was singing on live TV until after she was done), Beatrice Miller (who cops to having swallowed at the wrong time during her performance), and Carly Rose Sonenclar (who insists she was having fun, whatever L.A. might have said). Then they come out in all their diminutive glory and Khloe intones, "This. Is. It," struggling with each pause. She and Britney accidentally talk over each other before Britney's unnecessary comments preparatory to saving her first singer, which is Beatrice. Also safe? Carly. Britney needs to work on her pauses a little bit. That leaves Arin and Diamond out there with Khloe, which really makes it look like Britney Spears just doesn't like black people.
Mario "interviews" Beatrice and Carly backstage like he works at the day care center they go to, and then Khloe introduces Arin to sing for his survival in the competition. He comes out looking as pissed off as he did when he wasn't named in the first place, and sings "I Look To You" while Britney sits patiently waiting for it to be over. Or at least she does until he careens into the last chorus, at which point her face turns into "Wait, what?" L.A. tells him he doesn't know why he even has to try to save himself. Please don't encourage Arin's increasingly entitled attitude, L.A. Demi talks about how much the girls love him and agrees with L.A. Simon says this was a different league from Arin's performance last night, and that his leaving would be a huge mistake. And since it's Britney Spears's mistake to make, Arin looks rightfully terrified.
It's Diamond White's turn, and tonight she's here to sing "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word," something that sounds pretty grown-up for somebody who has Mickey Mouse hands all over her shirt. She does pretty well, while the camera keeps cutting to Britney waiting for it to be her turn to talk. L.A. says she gives him "chill-bumps" and that she has a real future in the business. Demi was impressed by Diamond's soul, and Simon says he'd hate to be Britney, because Diamond totally changed his mind in the last twenty seconds of her song. In fact, he doesn't think either of them should have to go, so I guess Beatrice Miller should count herself lucky that Simon doesn't march backstage and boot her himself. Arin comes back out, not helping himself by looking annoyed at this whole situation while Diamond keeps on smiling. Britney says it's a tough decision, but she's sending home Diamond, stunning both of them. Arin takes off while the hosts patronizingly buck up Diamond, whose post-defeat period of depression lasted all of two seconds.
One category left, because of course it's Simon's world and we all just live in it. There's the clip package featuring Sister C, Lyric 145, 1432, and Emblem3, which listed all together like that with all the letters and numbers sound like a bill for Lollapalooza on Sesame Street. Sister C are frustrated at the stagehand screw-up that left them stranded briefly on the top of their platform until someone remembered to bring them stairs, like that's what's going to cost them the competition. Lyric 145 were unbowed by L.A.'s criticism; Demi declined to apologize to 1432 backstage afterwards even when Simon tried to bully her into doing so in front of the girls; and Emblem3 just ended up even more convinced of their own awesomeness than ever before. All fourteen members of the four groups crowd out onto the stage around Mario and Khloe. Simon insists that he loves all four of them and hadn't even made up his mind as of five minutes ago. Of course he's sending Emblem3 through first, but they don't leave the stage without a lot of gladhanding of the front rows and I think maybe even a phone number or two. Simon takes a while to save the second act, which is Lyric 145. That leaves just girls on the stage to face the sing-off, which is not like Simon at all.
After the ad break, Mario's backstage with Lyric 145 and Emblem3, who don't get to do more than smile collectively into the camera before Mario sends it back out to Khloe onstage. Sister C is coming up first, and they're clearly still working on that likability thing, pouting out at the audience like they shouldn't be here. They've got their twang turned up to extra shrill, too, not putting enough emphasis on the harmonies that are their sole strength. Simon watches stone-faced, knowing damn well this is their last time. When they're done, L.A. says there have been some problems with song choice, but they got it right, and he especially likes the brunette one he calls "Middle C," because he hates their names as much as I do. Britney says she was pleasantly surprised, and Demi says she thinks their voices are phenomenal, and if they left it would be a mistake.
But then 1432 gets to sing, and you know how Simon gets about his Frankengroups. They sing Demi's own "Skyscraper" as though sucking up to her is going to do them a shred of good, but the one standout member is the same as last night's. After they're done, they all hug like this is goodbye. L.A.'s proud of them, Britney's says they made her a believer, and Demi dorks, "I don't know who that song is by, but regardless, you did better than the original singer." Simon gropes her shoulder appreciatively. Sister C is brought back out for the final decision, and Khloe tells Simon to tell her who's going home. "But after the break! I want you to wait until after the break!" Like Simon's ever in a hurry anyway.
One last break later, Khloe calls on Simon to make his decision. Simon says he could make an argument for either of them, saying there's a Sister C-shaped gap in the market and while 1432 had "a bit of a wobble last night," tonight was better. Simon starts to wind down his long speech and Mario interrupts to ask who he's sending home. Simon says he'd prefer to name who he's saving, but Mario won't let him, so Simon has to axe Sister C. One of the Cs says they saw it coming, and are going back to country while Simon does his pop thing. As they leave the stage, Simon says he's made a mistake -- but not by sending home Sister C. Instead, he's saying the name 1432 has to go. Even the girls in the group look happy about that, as Simon announces that the public will get to pick their new name. Couldn't be worse than the current one. I propose Emblem5.
So finally Mario rattles off the top twelve: Jennel Garcia, Paige Thomas, CeCe Frey, Vino Alan, Tate Stevens, Jason Brock, Beatrice Miller, Carly Rose Sonenclar, Arin Ray, Emblem3, Lyric 145, "and 1432, soon to be named something else!" Heh. And they'll be back week to grub for our votes. Well, not mine. Gotta remain objective, you know.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.