Okay, so it looks like we've got a host situation in place for the live shows. As we heard a few weeks ago, it's Khloe Kardashian-Odom and Mario Lopez, who together may add up to almost one Steve Jones. The less said about the debut of these two the better, and not just because my DVR cut off the beginning of the episode and I didn't actually see it. Get your shit online already, Fox.
Demi, looking like her old Camp Rock self with newly dark hair and bangs, introduces Paige Thomas, who we see at home in Phoenix, snuggling with her daughter, packing and leaving at the airport. Demi has apparently decided that the sides of Paige's head look so good shaved that she wants to do the same to the rest of her skull. Well, at least she looks less like Rihanna now. Demi also admits to us that Paige isn't the best vocalist, and flatly tells her during rehearsal, "If that happens during the live show, you're going home."
Paige comes out onstage looking like an escapee from the set of Hellraiser and sings "What Is Love," which makes me suspect Demi of maneuvering to meet Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan during a future episode. And really, this performance is all about the future, with the disco beats and the space-dancers laser lights and what not. And Demi's right: Paige isn't the best vocalist. L.A. appreciates the dramatic opening, "but I'm not so sure about that song choice." Britney, wearing a Christmas tree skirt as a dress, says she's outrageous and a true star. Simon, rocking a crew neck for once, tells her that this is all about finding someone who can work in the real world and she nailed it. Which is a remarkable thing to say to someone dressed like Paige Thomas is dressed right now.
"He is one of my favorites, this is Arin Ray," Britney doesn't exactly gush by way of introduction. After we see him leave home in Cincinnati, Britney babbles to him about the vital aspects of his upcoming performance, namely dancers and style. Basically her strategy seems to be to get the girls to like him. Which is sad, but she's not wrong.
The dancers are there all right for the performance, which is a dubstep version of "Keep Me Hanging On" that's frequently drowned out by the eruption of noisy steam-geysers at the edge of the stage. But it's all sexy and poor-man's-Usher, which is exactly what they're going for. L.A. tells him he nailed it, although his vocal wasn't quite up to the genius of the song. Demi says she couldn't hear him over the girls' screaming, but wants to see him dance better. Simon argues that the vocal weakness might have been caused by distraction due to all the dancers around him and that maybe Britney put too much around him, but he was impressed. I can't believe Simon complains about distractions with a straight face given what he's going to be putting Lyric 145 through later.
David Correy sits on the dock back home in Riva, Maryland, with his parents. He doesn't talk to them as much about how he's in this to find his birth mother as he has to us this whole time. L.A. gives him some coaching and tells him at his rehearsal that he just did a seven but needs a ten.
For his live performance, David comes out and croons "My Love Is Your Love" by Whitney Houston, a bit loosey-goosey vocally, but with his usual passion and energy. There doesn't seem to be anyone that wants this more than he does, I'll give him that. After he's done, he tells his mom and dad the he loves them. Britney liked it, and Demi says he won over her initial doubts by getting the crowd going. Simon calls his performance manic verging on desperate, which I don't entirely disagree with. And Simon adds to L.A. that his song choice doesn't seem to have created an "artistic direction." Dude, it's the first show. You need at least two data points to have a direction.
Simon introduces Sister C, and he seems to have figured out the solution to their likability problem: he tells us we have to like them. Okay, so that's fixed. Unfortunately, we then learn that their names are Cirbi, Carli, and Celbi, so what can we possibly do with that information but hate them afresh? We see them working in the stables at home in Mont Belvieu, TX, where apparently nobody else knows how to spell either. Simon tells them to open up so people will like them more, and they point out that they're don't really have a sob story to make them sympathetic. Well, at least they know it, which counts for something.
They sing a repeat of their initial audition song, "Hell on Heels," which they mostly are, because they get through almost the whole performance with their feet planted way upstage. They sound decent, though. Simon of course claps like they're the best thing he's ever seen. L.A. gives them a backhanded compliment, and Britney says they were "interesting" and "stunning," so she clearly wasn't paying attention anyway. Demi likes their sound, but correctly says they seemed pretty stiff. "They are singers, not dancers," Simon points out, as if he hasn't backed plenty of crappy singers, and tells Sister C it was a fantastic performance. When the hosts comes out, Khloe speaks up in defense of the idea of three sisters. Are there really only three Kardashian sisters? How are they everywhere, then?
Simon holds Demi's nose while she's trying to introduce Jennel Garcia. We then see a few moments of Jennel's quiet life in Rochester, MA before Demi tells her she needs to not let CeCe and Paige steamroller her. I'm not worried about Paige doing that, actually.
Demi ends up giving her all-black hair with chunky bangs, and Jennel does a sort of Vegas revue version of Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home," which is ironic because that seems to be the last place everybody on the show wants to go. L.A. says he didn't expect it and calls it a ten, "And you just convinced me that you could win." Britney was sufficiently jarred into alertness to say Jennel rocked it out, and Simon's only criticism is that Demi's trying to make Jennel her clone. "That is complete narcissism," says Simon Cowell of all people. Demi says she's so proud of her she's near tears, and pictured Jennel performing in an arena. And not as her clone, because after all, only one of them is wearing chains right now.
Britney introduces Diamond White by telling us how "dear" and "precious" she is. During their mentoring session, Britney gives her all sorts of positive feedback wrapped around the bitter pill of "try to stay true to the song." Which is a bitter pill indeed, as that song turns out to be "Hey Soul Sister" by Train.
Ugh. She bops it on the stage, accompanied by a dance squad of teen refugees from the long-since-dissolved Rhythm Nation while wearing a hat with big, chunky "USA" letters on it. L.A. says it started a little weak, but she made it hers by the end. "Yay!" says Diamond, with her demographic's love of a happy ending. Demi asks Diamond to be less reserved and have more fun. Simon is only positive, saying he's seeing lots of talent tonight, Britney did well with her, and Diamond came across as a relevant pop star. Britney just says she's proud of her and she was amazing. Britney's spending a lot of time tonight being amazed.
Vino talks about how this represents an opportunity to give his son a stable life, and we see him sitting at a diner with the 15-year-old, Sky, who misses him but is supportive. L.A. interviews that he wasn't happy about the category he was saddled with, but Vino's helped him get over that. Now if he can only help Vino get over his insecurities.
For his live performance, Vino stalks the stage in front of what looks like a full rock band, but he's singing a Nickelback song, which tends to shatter the illusion. The intro's low and not really in his range, but he picks it up by the end.
After he's done, Britney says she was a little bored. Not sure how that's any different. Demi agrees with me that he was shaky at the beginning, and "I just have a hard time seeing you as a pop star." Simon tells Vino he likes him and he has an incredible voice, but the song and the arrangement were completely wrong and turned him into "some horrible cover singer," and that L.A. "completely and utterly cocked this up." Oops, can't say that on U.S. TV, apparently, and somebody in the booth hits the dump button. L.A. tells Vino that he hasn't let criticism stop him all his life and isn't going to now. That doesn't exactly refute what the other judges said, though.
Khloe invites a response from Vino, who rumbles into the mic that he'll come back week and show them. I'm actually kind of impressed with the judges for being willing to criticize someone who looks that scary.
Khloe and Mario welcome us back and mention Halloween, and someone obligingly plays a "spooky" sound effect in the auditorium. Moments like this are is why the show will end up running more than two hours. Mario reminds us that there's no voting this week; instead, the Top 16 are competing to make it into the Top 12, which means four of the acts we see tonight will be finished as of tomorrow. Boot four a week for the rest of the season and I'm totally on board.
Khloe and Simon flirt embarrassingly (and grossly) before he introduces his group, Lyric 145. The guys formerly in One4Five talk about their tough upbringing in Queens and Lyric da Queen talks about all the funerals she's been to in Flint, Michigan. But now they're here in Los Angeles, and we see them working with Simon and with a choreographer, since singing isn't really their thing anyway.
They come out onstage and perform a "Boom! Shake the Room"-slash-"Gangnam Style" mashup, which works even more poorly than you think. There are also breakdancers, and the three rappers are wearing about four brightly-patterned outfits each so that they look like nothing so much as the dumpster behind Walt Disney World.
L.A. tells them they're an amazing group, but they sounded "like someone put you in a washer, dumped in bleach, and took all the soul out of you." He insists that would never be their single, and dares Lyric to say she really likes the song. "I made you like it," Lyric tells the audience, which wasn't the question. L.A. insists it wasn't hip-hop and they know it. But Britney says she was genuinely entertained, while Demi disagrees with L.A. and tells Simon she's a little worried about the group because they're so good. Simon argues that rappers have to be commercial in a competition like this, and that they were "absolutely sensational." As if he'd say otherwise.
After the ads, Demi introduces CeCe Frey, who has permanently traded the leopard spots for a mass of lemon-yellow curls. This is Demi's plan for making her more likable? But CeCe seems determined to make us relate to her if it's the last fucking thing we do, goddammit.
She comes out and sings a disco version of Patti Smith's "Because the Night." Oh, and now the leopard spots are no longer on her face, but on whatever she's wearing over her boobs. This "performance" seems all about the choreography and the backup dancers, because her actual voice sounds a lot weaker and breathier than usual.
L.A. congratulates her, saying that it was overall good except vocally. Britney agrees with that, but Simon likes how "fearless" and "interesting" she was, which means her lackluster vocals didn't really matter. See? And Demi says she knows CeCe can do better. CeCe assures Mario that she's taking this "harsh" criticism constructively. Good. time go harsher.
On to Tate Stevens, who we see saying goodbye to his family at home in Belton, Missouri. His wife says she'll miss him, but his daughter says not to come home without the five-million-dollar contract. He's not going to be able to please both of them. In his mentoring session, L.A. tells Tate he's an "American classic" but needs to do more entertaining.
Tate's song tonight is the country paean to middle-class moms "I Thought I Was Tough," and he seems to be following L.A.'s pre-show advice of singing it to the one he loves, and he sounds nice as always. Britney says Tate gets women, and Demi says that although she was bored at first, he doesn't need the dancers and all the other crap that's been going on all night. Simon likes Tate for knowing exactly what kind of artist he is, but didn't love the song choice. L.A. supportively tells Tate that Simon isn't an expert in country (or hip-hop, he adds, as a little extra dig), but Tate's a keeper. Mario and Khloe come out and she asks Tate a scripted question about missing his family, and probably gets a bonus for making him tear up a bit.
Coming back from the ads, Khloe's now at the judges table, having some stilted conversation with Britney and greeting L.A. when he gets back late. Britney introduces Beatrice Miller, whom we see at home in Maplewood, New Jersey. Britney apparently chose a song that Beatrice wouldn't have picked herself, but assures her she'll do well if she sells it.
And that song turns out to be one that I wouldn't have picked either, because I've never heard it before. It's a slow, emotional ballad, which Beatrice sings on a starlit stage with crimped hair and some weird Newsies Beyond Thunderdome getup, and a silly giant projection of herself in the background at the end. Oh, wait, it's "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz, mixed around almost past the point of identifiability. Which I still wouldn't have picked.
L.A .compliments her believability and lovability, Demi is impressed, and Simon thinks the song was the right choice for Beatrice, although he calls her on some pitch issues when she pushed it, which he's willing to chalk up to nerves. Britney has only nice things to say to her, though, because she doesn't have much to say about anything. Mario comes out and cheesily asks Beatrice what it's like to work with Britney, and Beatrice basically says she's super nice. Fortunately Beatrice is still young enough that this can be interpreted as a compliment.
Time for Jason Brock, who's gotten a minor makeover from his Harry Potter bangs to a slick pompadour. L.A. has apparently dubbed him "Mr. Entertainment," so no pressure.
And then Jason comes out in a zebra-patterned Wayne Newton outfit, complete with Wayne Newton's backup dancers, and bellows a recent Jennifer Lopez single that calls on him to use almost none of his range. Britney kindly says he could have chosen a better song, but it was "interesting and entertaining." Demi also loves Jason, but agrees that it wasn't the right song. Simon's more blunt: "I like you, but that was utterly horrendous... everything about it was wrong. It honestly, for me, doesn't get worse than that." He continues complaining over the chanting crowd, and Jason says he disagrees but appreciates it. L.A. insists that Simon's a hater and that everyone else enjoyed it. The hosts come out, and Jason asks to pinch Mario Lopez's butt. Considering how handsy they've been with some of the other contestants, I'm karmically fine with this.
Backstage with Emblem3, Khloe creates another of those awkward moments that are becoming her stock in trade by making one of them do push-ups for her. Then we're back in the auditorium as Simon introduces the all-girl Frankengroup formerly known as Lylas, but now referred to "for boring [read: legal] reasons" as 1432, pronounced one digit at a time, which somehow means I Love You Too. I'm not getting it. Maybe you have to say it in a Miss Othmar voice or something. We're reminded about how they were all brought back to life after their eliminations, and they talk about how grateful they are Simon's support for them. In a mentoring session, Simon does indeed say that the name Lylas is off the table for legal reasons, so they come up with 1432, which he goes along with for some reason.
They sing Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together," which will be appropriate for them after they get eliminated and never see each other again. I have to give them credit for not doing a simple arrangement, though, splitting it all up into different pieces for all five vocalists. L.A. starts right in, first by saying they blew it with the name and then saying their version of the song was talent show. "The bad news is that your mentor really failed you, the good news is that there's hope." No, I think the bad news is that the Groups and Over 25s are afterthoughts caught in the crossfire of Simon and L.A.'s petty little feud. Britney gives a brief, anodyne compliment, while Demi says they shined at Simon's house, but only one of them stepped up tonight and they need more practice together. Simon tells them they're fantastic, as though he's not really telling L.A. instead.
Khloe and Mario come out, and Khloe asks Demi who was the good one. Demi tries to ignore her in favor of introducing her performer, but Khloe shouts over her and repeats the question, which Demi defers answering until she abruptly points to the indistinguishable white girl on the end to Mario. So now we all know.
Demi's Willie Jones is coming up . We see him arriving with the other members of the Top 16 at the contestants' mansion, which is a far cry from his home in Shreveport. He's feeling a little intimidated by the girls and women he's competing against, given that he can't hit some of the notes they can.
He comes out onstage dressed like a '90s R&B star with skimpily dressed country back-up singers and sings "Here for the Party," which doesn't really let him show off the low notes he needs to stand out, at least not until the very end. I'm not really feeling it, to be honest. L.A. says it was entertaining and "adequate," and Willie manages not to blush. Britney also says some meaninglessly positive things, like she's judging the show via speakerphone. Simon complains that he didn't get it and that Willie didn't seem to be taking himself seriously. "And I don't think your mentor has done you any justice with that whatsoever." Demi reminds Simon that Willie's mentor is twenty years old and knows what people like. And from there it starts to devolve like a couple of siblings in the back seat on a long road trip. Khloe all but threatens to turn the car around then asks Simon to elaborate on why it was silly, and Simon says he would have picked a different song, not that he can come up with one on the spot. "I think if you can sing country with a high-top fade, you're all right, Willie Jones," Mario says in his defense.
After the ads, Khloe and Mario are at the judge's table reminding us again that the top twelve will be revealed tomorrow night, and then they throw it to Britney. She barely catches it in time to introduce Carly Rose Sonenclar, and in her mentoring session, Britney decides to dress Carly as "Hit Me Baby One More Time"-era Britney Spears. Glad to see Brit-Brit didn't burn off all her terrible ideas in the last decade.
And there's Carly, in front of the audience in a little schoolgirl uniform, with similarly-dressed backup dancers, singing a jazzy version of some half-realized song that the writer clearly spent less time on than Carly did. I'd Google it, but there aren't even enough lyrics to search with. [Note: It's an odd rendition of "Something's Got a Hold On Me" originally performed by Etta James. -- Rachel] She sounds good singing it, though.
L.A. loves her voice, but didn't feel like Carly was having much fun. Demi says that Carly's voice can be a blessing and a curse, the curse being that what she just saw wasn't really believable. She doesn't think it's Carly's time yet, but is certain she'll have a future in the industry. Which is normally the kind of thing you say to someone at the end of a results show, not right after a performance. Simon disagrees, and read the performance as Carly not being comfortable with the song, and that she could have done better with a different one. "But it would be criminal if you were to leave the competition tomorrow." Britney says her vocals were amazing and she did a great job. She can't even come up with something interesting to say to her own people tonight?
Simon's category gets to close out the night. "Be very worried, guys, because here comes Emblem3." We're reintroduced to the three brothers, including their individual names, which I'm still not learning any sooner than I absolutely have to. Of course they've been spending a lot of time at the contestants' mansion in and out of the pool and other shirt-free activities, but Simon reminds them in their mentoring session that they need to remember to rehearse, too.
They do their thing with some faux-reggae One Direction thing, and of course Simon proudly gives them a standing ovation. Probably largely because they remembered the words this time. L.A. has to admit, "Even a broken clock is right twice a day... I think we are witnessing America's pop sensation." Britney says they're amazing and adorable. Demi blushes that they make her swoon, and can't look them in the eye when they sing to her. Simon compliments them over the noise of the screams and cheers in the house about their commitment and hard work in recent weeks, and tells everyone watching to remember this night. In other words, I think they'll probably be safe tomorrow.
As the rest of the Top 16 crowd out onto the stage, Khloe and Mario flog tomorrow night's results show, when eight acts will be safe, eight will sing to stay in, and four will go home. My God, that's going to be interminable. And I'm saying this at fifteen minutes after the hour.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.