Before the credits, we're reminded how the judges' homes round began last night, in as noisy a way as possible. Tonight it'll wrap up with the teens at Britney's house and the Over 25s at L.A.'s house. Also, if my suspicions are correct, in as noisy a way as possible.
We're starting at L.A.'s house in Beverly Hills, as he reminds us that his contestants are Jason Brock, Tara Simon, Vino Alan, David Correy, Tate Stevens and Daryl Black, and that only four of those six will go on to the live shows. Why not make it three? Or two? As we saw last night, L.A. wasn't thrilled to get this category, possibly because his guest mentor, Justin Bieber, is half their age. L.A., Justin and Justin's manager Scooter Braun give them some all-purpose encouragement. Jason says he wants L.A. to believe in him and we see him telling David Correy about how his family told him as a kid that he couldn't sing. We see a clip of his first audition in which he proved them wrong by getting L.A. up on his feet. To be fair, maybe when his family said it, it was true. Today, on L.A.'s patio, he belts out "Big Girls Don't Cry" and feels like he did well. After he leaves the mentors alone, they don't seem to have an issue with his vocal performance, but whether he's worth a five million dollar contract just in general. God forbid they give it to the portly gay dude, after all. Especially one who refuses to distractingly change the gender language in well-known songs.
David Correy is feeling the pressure and we flash back to his first audition, when he talked about hoping the competition would help him reconnect with his birth family. He goes out and sings a song about looking out over Hollywood while looking out over Hollywood. Justin thought he was great, even though it seems to pain L.A. to admit that some of the notes gave him "chill bumps." He's still more worried about commercial viability rather than talent. To Justin Bieber's credit, L.A.'s protégé doesn't take that personally.
Now it's time for Daryl Black, the 37-year-old musician, who's singing "She's Gone." Hall & Oates are certainly doing well this week. Even if Daryl Black isn't, as the editors only show a few lines of his song. And L.A remains unimpressed, even if Justin and Scooter aren't.
In L.A.'s living room, Tate Stevens talks about how he was soon the only contestant in the competition still wearing a cowboy hat. He tells us he doesn't want to go back to asphalt and concrete. But this is, you know, for his family. He goes out and sings his country ballad, which causes L.A. to make his listening-face for the first time today. He compliments Tate on the song choice and sends him back inside. Scooter says you want to root for Tate and Justin says he has a great voice, but L.A. keeps coming back to whether each of them is worth five million. L.A., none of them are, in any category. That's the whole point. But someone's going to win it eventually.
Vino Alan talks about his childhood under an abusive stepfather and how music was his escape. He hopes to break that cycle, and five million dollars would be just the ticket. He goes out and roars out a Pink song, causing Justin to sit forward in his chair and L.A. to shake his listening-head in that way. Stopping on his way into the house, Vino goes in for some dap from the mentors and scuffs L.A.'s shoes in the process, which L.A. says he'll replace if he wins the five mil. Despite Vino's apparent nerves, Scooter and Justin both liked the performance, but L.A. is concerned about "the package." Yes, Vino is scary-looking, but there are lasers for that now.
Tara Simon's up last for this category. She claims to the other five that she's nervous, but then tells the cameras in private that she's going to win it. "I've always been a star," she says. "People just have now caught onto it." Wrong on both counts. She also tells us that she hopes to be America's darling, which will require her to get a lot less obnoxious. And going out on L.A.'s deck and singing Hoobastank is not a step in the right direction, especially in her overblown, dramatic, vowel-twisting style. Justin looks visibly confused by her, but all three mentors somehow manage to keep straight faces until she heads happily inside, convinced it was "near-perfect." Which it was, if you like Tara Simon and what she does. Justin and Scooter appreciate her big voice, which isn't my issue with her. L.A. says he thought he knew who his favorites were, but now says, "I didn't know nothin.'" Then L.A. narrates about how he's changed his mind and making his choice is tougher than he expected. We start cutting back and forth between the contestants' hotel (like we thought L.A. was going to put them up in spare bedrooms 38-43), where Tara assures Daryl and David that the three of them in the room are safe. I'm now very worried about either Daryl or David. Vino, Tate and Jason are in the other room talking about how much they need it, and L.A. and his guest mentors count to three and put their fingers on the photo of the one each of them thinks should go. From their verbal reaction, all we know for now is that it sucks. But since that dialogue is heard over a shot of the clouds drifting past the moon, they could be talking about how one of the three of them is turning into a werewolf. My money's on the one named Braun.
On to Britney's house in Malibu and the six Teens in her category: Carly Rose Sonenclar, Reed Deming, Diamond White, James Tanner, Arin Ray and Beatrice Miller, who sit around in her fourth living room talking about how they're "pre-team Britney" until they know who she picks as her final four. Diamond White is going to be starting out, and she reminds us that the apartment she lives in is so small that she shares a bed with her mom, which I'm sure her mom doesn't dig either, especially when she has a date. Diamond goes out and presents herself in front of Britney and will.i.am and does a slow, torchy version of her song that's good, but not so great that she might not want to start shopping for a hammock. Will.i.am tells Britney she sings well, but is too concerned with her moves. Britney agrees that Diamond needs to work on her stage presence. The other teens in the house are pretty intimidated by her, possibly because they could only hear it and not see it.
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Reed Deming tells us that his "entire life has been in preparation for this moment." All thirteen years? He goes out and sings the Plain White Tees' "Delilah" like a male version of last year's Drew, all slow and emotional. Not a bad stunt, but he's too young for it. Britney remarks that he was nervous but could probably do better and will.i.am characterizes him as a "little emperor." But just imagine how much more nervous he would have been if he'd had to do that in front of Justin Bieber.
It's back-to-back mini-Biebers, as James Tanner comes out and raps perfunctorily. Will.i.am somehow doesn't laugh in his face. James Tanner is done, I'm thinking.
Arin Ray reminds us how he made it to the live shows with Frankengroup InTENsity last year. We see will.i.am and Britney giving him advice to use his experience and then he sings them "Starships" by Nicki Minaj, which isn't really a singing song, but he makes it one. And an emotional ballad, no less. It leaves the other teens in the house looking a little sick. Will.i.am says Britney would need to work with him, but she says she likes watching him. Also, she might just want to reward his persistence a bit.
Beatrice Miller, the blond 13-year-old, has to battle the butterflies in her stomach but eventually makes it around the house to where Britney and will.i.am are waiting, and sings "Bulletproof," sounding quite good even though she looks terrified. Will.i.am says it was the right song for her, but Britney says she needs to learn a little more control over her loudness. So far, I think only James Tanner has done his song on the original tempo, and I'm not even sure about that.
That leaves just Carly Rose Sonenclar, the brunette 13-year-old who has also been working for this her whole life. Britney and will.i.am interview her about her competitiveness, because it's not like they have any advice for her. Her song for the mentors is slow, stripped down, emotionally raw and entirely age-inappropriate, but so good that her only problem is that her singing comes out of a 13-year-old. After she's done, will.i.am observes to Britney, "She's possessed." Britney heartily agrees, and then laughs as will.i.am compares her to a caterpillar that turns into not a butterfly, but a dragon... burninating the countryside and shit. Britney's only concern is that Carly Rose may not be able to cope with the pressure, and may grow up to shave her head or some shit. Nah, that would never happen.
So now it's on to the content-free deliberation segment, with the teens talking and Britney and will.i.am debating as the evening wears on. "You sure you're making the right decision?" he asks her at the end. "I think I am," she says unconvincingly. And we'll spend hours week finding out what that decision was.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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