Could this pre-credits sequence be any noisier or more unintelligible? Even the low-rent announcer sounds like he's doing his job by speakerphone. Fortunately there are also onscreen titles telling us that tonight, the 60 people still at Boot Camp will be winnowed down to 24, who will proceed to the judges' homes and perform for not only Simon, Demi, Britney and L.A., but also guest mentors will.i.am, Nick Jonas, Marc Anthony and Justin Bieber. Poor Drew from last season must be shitting herself at home over that last one.
Morning comes on the final day of Boot Camp (which is also day number three, in case you were worried about anyone being too worn out). Simon narrates that more than half of the remaining acts will go home, but 24 will proceed to the stage. The judges meet at their table in the otherwise empty auditorium while we see clips of contestants singing and interviewing about their emotional state, intercut with the judges debating yeses and nos. I'm not going to break it all down because the judges could be talking about anyone and not necessarily the people we're seeing at any given moment. Otherwise it would just be too much of a giveaway. But this way they get to burn eight minutes of air time reminding us that some of these people still exist.
After the ads, we get the first official word on the categories from Simon. There are no more "Boys" or "Girls" categories, which I always thought was a weird term for groups that included people in their twenties anyway. Now there are unisex categories consisting of "Teens" (people aged 16 and under), "Young Adults" (people aged 17-24), "Over 25s" (duh), and "Groups," the last being the only category held over from last year. However, also like last year, six acts from each category will go to the judges' homes, one category for each judge to mentor. But first, here at Boot Camp, the remaining contestants will be brought onstage one category at a time to receive the news, starting with the Young Adults. "This is one category where we're going to lose some really good people," Simon tells us. Unlike the Groups category, he leaves unsaid. There are quite a lot of Young Adults on the stage to start with, so that's going to be a tough category. The first person named is CeCe Frey, who displays an emotion other than bloodlust for once. Willie Jones is also going through, as are Jennel Garcia (who hugs her new soulmate Jillian Jensen), Nick Youngerman (even though we totally watched him choke last week), Paige Thomas (whose eye makeup is already running even before her name is read), and Jillian Jensen, who goes and hugs Jennel backstage and cries more than ever. Bad luck for the likes of Sophie Tweed-Simmons, Ally Brooke (who's wearing stupid lensless glasses instead of a stupid hat for this moment of humiliation), Lyric Da Queen and any number of other people I've already forgotten.
The Over 25s are , and those going through to the round are Jason Brock, the Jack Black-sounding guy with the Japanese boyfriend; Daryl Black, the thirty-something musician with all the kids; Brazilian-born adoptee David Correy; vocal coach and Tara Simon fan Tara Simon; country singer/road repairman Tate Stevens; and finally Vino Alan and his head tattoos. That's the end of the road for Jeffrey Gutt (who's not looking forward to telling his son), big Freddie Combs, and six other disappointed elders, some of whom aren't exactly acting their age.
are the Groups. Are there even six groups left? It's going to be Sister C, the harmony trio; previously unseen duo Dope Crisis; Emblem3; and no one else. None of the groups still on the stage are good enough to even claim a vacant spot, apparently. I foresee more Frankengroups this season. I just hope one of them consists of Sophie Tweed-Simmons, Freddie Combs, and Citizen.
Still one category to go, and they've made the Teens wait the longest. The eighteen or so remaining kids line up on the stage like a reverse firing squad and learn that those going through are Beatrice Miller (which means her second-round duet partner Carly Rose Sonenclar is a shoo-in), mini-Bieber James Tanner, Carly Rose Sonenclar (see?), Diamond White (who's already got her Taylor Swift "moi?" face nailed), Reed Deming (so that's two mini-Biebers), and veteran Arin Ray. Which means it looks like Dinah Jane Hansen is going back to her family of 23. Demi thinks back to the days when she was one of those girls herself. I remember that long-ago era too, when my son was into Cars.
"So that's it," Britney narrates. "Well, almost." She says there was too much talent to lose, "So we came up with a plan," like what we're about to see has never happened before. Yep, more Frankengroups coming up. While the rejects are milling outside, a producer comes out to summon some of them back to the stage, including Camilla Cabelo, Brandon Hassan, Johnny Maxwell, Ally Brooke, Lyric Da Queen, Dinah Jane Hansen, Josh Metzler, One4Five (hate), Normani Hamilton, Owen Stuart, and Lauren Juaregi. Once they're all onstage, Simon tells them they're the rejects they cared about. Lyric Da Queen and One4Five end up as one group, with all the also-ran guys in another and the runner-up girls in a third. Your three Frankengroups, everyone, who will be going to the judges' homes. All the survivors have a little celebration on the lawn outside the venue with the judges, but Simon warns an interview camera that now it gets hard, with the remaining acts having to perform for them one-on-one.
Coming back, the judges are scattered around the country waiting to hear what category each of them is going to get. L.A. says he has no interest in either the Groups or the Over 25s. Demi wants the Young Adults, while Britney wants to mold the young talent in the Teens group. Either mold or mildew it, one of the two. She's the first one who gets the call from the producers, on her cell phone in the control room of a recording studio (appropriately enough, since that's the part of the studio where most of the work on her songs gets done), and she's happy to hear that she's going to be mentoring the Teens. Simon gets a call saying he's going to be mentoring the Groups, which doesn't thrill him, but he promises to make the most of it. "I'm happy for them," he says graciously. Demi is happy to get word that she's going to be doing the Young Adults, just like she wanted. As for L.A., when the voice on the phone tells him he's mentoring the Over 25s, he bangs the handset down repeatedly without answering. Cue the inter-judge trash-talking over the phone. Except for L.A., who's in such a funk over this that he doesn't want to talk to anyone at all.
Cut to Miami Beach, Florida, where the eighty-some members of the Groups category are being ferried into shore on a yacht, looking like the whitest hip-hop music video ever. They don't yet know which judge they're getting, let alone that he's not all that thrilled to meet them. The boat docks at Simon's blinding white Miami pad, and he seems to have improved his attitude about the category in the interim. He brings out his guest mentor, Marc Anthony, who greets them without flinching from the direct sunlight somehow.
The six young adults ride in a limo, speculating on who their mentor is going to be. The fact that they're in Los Angeles doesn't really narrow it down, though. They show up at a loft and wait, jumping up happily when Demi comes out. Of course their judge was going to be the only one who doesn't own a house. Her guest mentor is, who else, Nick Jonas. I remember when they were in a heavily-marketed cable TV movie together, because the store shelves were packed with unwanted Camp Rock merch instead of the Wall-E stuff my kid was after that summer. I'm over it, though. Mostly.
In Malibu, the teens get to ride in an SUV to Britney's hillside home overlooking the ocean, and wait excitedly by her pool until she comes out. Her guest mentor: will.i.am. The teens are pretty excited to see him, but I bet they'd rather have L.A.'s guest judge.
Speaking of whom, the Over 25s limo to another house in Beverly Hills, and are blown away by the place. L.A. comes out and pretends to be as happy to see them as they are to see him -- for about five seconds. He confesses that he was disappointed at first, but "I gotta now figure out how to get one of you guys to win." I'm sure they find his confidence infectious. So then he brings out Justin Bieber and his manager, Scooter Braun. Of course Justin Bieber has a manager named Scooter. Justin gives them some encouragement, which L.A. interprets to say that they're going to prove him wrong. "One of you is," he amends. Aim high, L.A.
We come back to Demi's "house" in L.A., which currently contains six Young Adults scattered around rehearsing, and Demi reminds us that she can only take four of them to the live shows. Each of them gives the interview camera an emotional speech about how much they want this. Demi sits down with Jennel and advises her not to nervously flip her hair so much before she goes up to the living room to sing "I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry for Demi and Nick. She performs it with a small guitar/piano combo, loud enough and well enough to make the others on the floor below look a little nervous. Jennel is a little thrown by the awkward silence from the mentors both before and after her performance, and after she leaves the room, Demi's only concern is how personally Jennel seems to have taken the mildest criticism. I agree that's going to make the completion tough for Jennel, especially when we mooks on the internet start weighing in.
Willie Jones is up , and he's taking another crack at "Nobody Knows," I guess in an effort to redeem himself for forgetting the words to it at Boot Camp. "Make us remember this performance instead of the last," Demi advises. Willie sings his song, remembering all the words this time and everything. Demi looks more impressed than Nick during the performance, but afterwards Joe says he's a star, even though Willie needs to decide whether he's country or R&B. So right now he's like a black Donny and Marie?
Coming back, Nick Youngerman is shooting his mouth off to Jillian and CeCe about how they're in his way for the five million. I would argue that the main obstacle between Nick Youngerman and the grand prize is Nick Youngerman. We flash back to Jillian's initial audition, when she won Demi over with her history of being bullied. Demi sits down with her beforehand and gives her some vague advice about her performance style, and then Jillian goes in to sing "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles. She does this with rather less raw, gaping need than at her first audition, but unfortunately fills the vacuum with some ill-advised theatricality. After she leaves, Nick says Jillian's kind of sexy, but Demi's concerned that Jillian took too much of their advice. Demi's going to have trouble being objective about Jillian, but at least she knows it.
Nick heads up to Demi and Nick and performs "Tik Tok," which serves mainly to demonstrate that he's not a singer. He has fun, at least, and tells us afterward that he killed it. "I knew I would." Nick says he wasn't expecting to dig a rapper in with all these singers, "but I thoroughly enjoyed that performance." Demi, however, is torn between "loving it or super-annoyed by it." Well, in that sense, Nick Youngerman is indicative of a lot of today's musicians, so that's certainly in his favor.
CeCe and Paige bond over their shared fear of being sent home. Or rather Paige does, while CeCe is more likely probing for weakness. We're reminded that Paige has a three-year-old daughter back home, and she's doing this for her as well. Paige presents herself to Demi and Nick, both overdressed and underdressed at the same time. By which I mean she's wearing a very dramatic outfit with a train but seems to have completely forgotten her pants. She starts her song from a seated position, and basically combines the song with a posedown, which gets tedious in a hurry. Nick and Demi are both really underwhelmed, and Demi frets to Nick that Paige blew everyone away at first, but has been coming off increasingly insecure as the competition proceeds. Dammit, Paige, don't let CeCe win! And put on some pants!
Finally, it's CeCe Frey's turn, and I don't want to alarm anyone, but her painted-on leopard spots appear to be spreading. CeCe flashes back to Demi declaring her girl-crush on her at her first audition. Pre-audition, Demi gives CeCe some advice, saying she has a lot of confidence and attitude, "and sometimes it borderlines a little unlikeable." In other words, stop acting like an arrogant fucking sociopath. CeCe admits in an interview that this was her one fear, and starts to confess to Demi about her array of defense mechanisms, which Demi cuts off with advice to use the emotions she's feeling right now. So after this whole sequence about how CeCe is a fragile little snowflake inside her tough exterior, she has to go up to the living room and admit that she's singing "I'm Sexy and I Know It." Oh, awesome. Turns out it's not a song that really works well with only an acoustic guitar as backup, let alone with whatever melody CeCe has composed for it.
After she leaves, Nick says CeCe took direction well, and at exactly the right time. Demi is worried about how she's going to eliminate two people. CeCe chokes out a confessional about how she's tired of holding it together. "I don't think you're going to see these tomorrow," she says, indicating her spots. She certainly has taken Demi's advice to heart. It'd be more convincing if her dead, soulless eyes weren't still drier than the Sahara, though.
That night, Nick and Demi sit on her floor and deliberate while the Young Adults stress out in what appears to be their one bedroom.
In Miami Beach, one of Simon's living rooms is packed with the six Groups in the category. Emblem3 goes on trash-talking the competition, none too discreetly, either. The five-boy Frankengroup Playback has been rehearsing nonstop since being thrown together, spurred by the taste of rejection they already choked down back at Boot Camp. Simon and Marc Anthony sit down with them to give them some encouragement. Owen Stuart moons over his long-lost girlfriend Tori like before, and then we see them take the patio Simon's having them use as a stage. They sing a hip-hop version of "Rich Girl" by Hall & Oates, with a bit too much dorky bopping and passing the lead around throughout. Owen seems to be the standout. After they clear out, Marc says he was bored, but Simon disagrees. "You just don't get them, do you?" he says. I bet Mariah Carey is sooo disappointed that she missed out on this gig last season.
Emblem3, the three brothers from Huntington Beach, hang out by the pool, playing to their greatest strength of being wet and shirtless. They're confident as always, and they tell Simon about how ambitious they are. Which Simon says is good, "because if we shake hands on a deal and you renege, I kill you." I think they understand each other. Outside, they unwisely do a reggae version of "Every Little Thing" by the Police, with one singer seemingly incapable of hitting the high notes on the verse, and another briefly forgetting the bridge, which he's rapping anyway. The other groups inside the house seem unimpressed. "You lost your way a bit there, didn't you?" Simon can't resist commenting before sending them inside. They're still hopeful, but when Marc points out to Simon how much confidence one of them has, Simon reminds him how that ended up leading to that screw-up.
We're reintroduced to Sister C, the three sisters from a small town in Texas. Simon lectures them about how they might not be likeable, and even seem a little standoffish. While wearing his sunglasses in the house, he says this. Sister C takes it to heart, though. They come out to the patio and sing some country ballad, singing to each other somewhat than they have in the past and even letting one of them take a big solo. Simon and Marc send them off with not one but three "Well done"s, and both seem impressed with them. Which I think is the first time they agree. Either that or Marc Anthony is feeling beaten down.
is the Frankengroup composed of eyepatch-wearing Lyric Da Queen and preexisting group One4Five, comprising the new group Lyric 145. Imaginative. They talk about their hardscrabble origins in Flint, Michigan and Queens, respectively, then suck up to Simon about how awesome he is for seeing how they could work together as a group. Finally, they head out and do a rap version of "Party in the U.S.A." like they've been together forever. Simon smiles smugly at what he hath wrought.
Time now for the first performance we've seen from nerd-rap duo Dope Crisis, and probably the last. We've never seen heard before, and even this one song ("Superbass") is all hacked up, so clearly the editors are signaling that we shouldn't get too invested in them at this late date. Marc and Simon agree that they were "good," but that it seemed to be the best they can do, and in this context, "good" equals "doomed."
That leaves the five-girl Frankengroup Lylas, and at least Ally Brooke isn't wearing anything stupid on her head for once. They claim that they'd hang out together even if they weren't a group. Sure they would. In the pre-audition conference with the mentors, Simon builds them up with talk about them taking over the world, and then Marc knocks them down by saying, "If one messes up, you all go home." So no pressure. Dinah tearfully reminds us about how she's doing this for her family of 23. So if nothing else, she'll be fine sharing a bathroom with these other four. They come out and perch on stools to sing five separate solos rather than anything that could be honestly called a group number. Marc Anthony almost-but-not-quite stops himself from facepalming during the performance. At the end, they finally start harmonizing and alight from the stools to advance on the mentors, like they didn't realize they're supposed to be a group until now. After they're gone, Marc tells Simon he doesn't know what to think, then quickly agrees when Simon informs him they were "unbelievable." So Marc Anthony has finally figured out his role. Simon tells Marc that "there's one clearly great group here... this is going to be harder than I thought." Or at least that's what he wants us to think.
Finally, that evening, Simon and Marc sit outside to deliberate the groups, who in turn yammer about what it all means. But, as always, in a way that gives absolutely nothing away. The other two groups go tomorrow night, and week I assume we find out who goes to the live shows. And we'll take our damn time about it, I have no doubt.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.