Tonight's pre-credits sequence is all about Boot Camp in Miami, y'all. Looks intense, but I'm only going to weecap these moments once. Each.
The sun rises over Shreveport, Louisiana and its miles and miles of b-roll. Willie Jones (the hip-hop looking kid with the deep country voice) says goodbye to his dad in what may be the most authentic family moment ever captured from five different camera angles. In Rochester, Massachusetts, Jennel Garcia lifts her welding mask Flashdance-style in her dad's auto shop. Vino Alan rides a cab in Manhattan and Nick Perrelli goes down into the subway. In Huntington Beach, Emblem3 pulls their surfboards out of the water for some The Hills-like exposition. Jenell has a totally unstaged farewell with her mom on the front porch of their house. Jason Brock and Tara Simon ride to their respective airports. Diamond White looks nervous, Jillian Jensen bonds with her identical and equally emotionally raw mother. And the thing you know, we're in Miami! Which looks much like it does in all those transition shots on Burn Notice. Simon talking-heads that they brought about 120 acts from the initial auditions, and there will be 24 of those left by the end of the week. At the airport, Arin Ray is with his mom. L.A. says they'll work harder than they have in their lived, but then Demi Lovato THs that they're putting everyone up at the Mondrian, just to dangle the rock & roll lifestyle in front of their noses. Some of them hang out by the pool, but Simon warns us that this will be the most intense week of their lives and Britney promises to push them to their limits. Hey, Britney Spears is on this show!
Everyone caravans to the auditorium where the boot camp challenges will take place -- the Fillmore. The judges exposit that the contestants will all have to sing in front of each other, and that half of them will be going home by the end of the day. Intense! Intense!
They make Diamond White go first, because why not start by throwing the 13-year-old in the deep end? With all the rest of the contestants gathered around her on the stage, she sings Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing." She does very well -- if not flawlessly -- and I was wrong about her being intimidated, because she's clearly doing the intimidating.
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Coming back, three-sister singing act Sister C fails to visibly impress Britney, and then Austin Corini, the boy-band sounding 16-year-old with the blond faux-hawk, gets up and sings another bland, unthreatening ballad. Then the judges bring up David Correy, the 26-year-old who was adopted from Brazil. He belts out "Mercy" and impresses the judges. Dinah Jane Hansen, the preternaturally mature 16-year-old, sings "Hero." Lyric Da Queen, who I don't recall seeing before, raps while wearing headphones and a Bedazzled eyepatch. Jason Brock is also there, sounding less like Jack Black than at his initial audition. Carly Rose Sonenclar sings a rock song better than a 13-year-old has any right to, prompting Simon to wonder to the other judges if she's too old for her age. During a break, a lot of folks are pretty intimidated, like Jessica Espinoza, the unemployed 22-year-old. The judges are excited to hear her sing again, but her nerves are clearly getting the better of her. Lots of polite cringes among the listeners. "She's not as good as I remember," Demi mutters to Simon. I don't think it's just her memory.
Jennel Garcia is feeling pretty alone, this being her first time away from her parents. Jillian Jensen comes over to bond with her or buck her up or just provide some interaction for the cameras. Back inside, Jennel ends up giving the performance the judges were expecting from Jessica. And rather hotter, almost inappropriately so. Every other female in the competition hates her right now. "Very spicy," L.A. says diplomatically.
After the ads, it's Vino Alan's turn. He's dealing with the stress by somehow becoming even mellower. If he ever gets shot at or finds himself in a burning building, he's going to pass right out. He sings "Bad Company" by some '70s band whose name I can't seem to remember right now. Simon and L.A. like him, but Britney can't quite put her finger on why he's only a maybe for her. I'm thinking it's the head tattoos.
Simon calls up Johnny Maxwell, who stumbles over the words to "I'll Be Missing You" so badly that Simon begs for things to not get any worse. So here comes Jordyn Foley, who proves to have peaked with her "Tomorrow" audition. Manny Acosta, who I don't remember, has some kind of falsetto seizure; Trevor Moran rolls out his obnoxious 13-year-old dork shtick with "Starships," making the judges realize their mistake in bringing him to Miami in the first place. Nick Perrelli does a weak duet on "Feelin' Good" with his overpowering terror. Jake Garza, 12, can't even get through the first verse of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" without losing first his voice and then his place in the song while his mom helplessly looks on. "Okay, thank you," says Simon, because it's not yet time to give anyone answers or feedback, otherwise this kid would already be soaring over the theater in an ejector seat. Jake cries and says he wants his mom, who is led backstage to comfort him. But not before Britney offers this trenchant analysis: "I'm saaad."
Time for a string of groups. Emblem3 disses the other boy bands in the competition and then we see L3vel (not seen before) and Citizen (alas, seen before) and Jetset (not seen until now) fail to impress before Emblem3 gets their turn. They do a weird 6/8 version of "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls with a lot of wandering around (and near-collisions) in place of choreography. Simon thinks the guy in the hat is by far the best. Which means he might be going on in the competition as a soloist. They could also make a group that includes Trevor Moran (the guy with the bridal veil) and the guy in the wheelchair, and it's not like anyone could stop them.
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Tara Simon, the self-impressed vocal coach, oversings Queen's "Somebody to Love." Everyone's face is like, "Okay, that's a bit much." And Simon alerts her that when she watches the playback, she's going to find she showed off more than she meant to. Fortunately the editors were discreet about that, but not about showing Britney's, "Boy, have I been there" face.
Willie Jones gets up with his string tie and sings "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy," which is good because it's not quite in his vocal basement like what he sang at his initial audition. The novelty has clearly worn off for Britney though, even as Simon agrees with me that he was better today. I'd say I hate it when Simon agrees with me, but it's not like it's a rare occurrence.
Coming back, Paige Thomas is outside during a break, talking to Diamond White and CeCe Frey (the chick with the stupid leopard spots painted on her temple) about how the judges are going to have the toughest time with the girls' category. Has anyone even said anything about categories this season? For all we know the finals are going to be fought out Hunger Games-style, which if nothing else would explain the way CeCe Frey keeps looking at people. Paige tells us she's doing "I Will Always Love You." And guess what? So is CeCe. Back in the auditorium, Paige is called to center stage to sing her song, which may be extra tricky with CeCe's Manson lamps on her the whole time. She does well with it, though. "The only think that could potentially get in the way is a comparison to another performer that looks similar," L.A. remarks to the other judges before we get one last good gander at Paige's Rihanna-like profile.
Now it's CeCe's turn, and she gets up and immediately starts power-flirting with Simon, whom she never met thanks to having auditioned in Kansas City when Simon was sick. That may also be the reason CeCe is here in Miami, but whatever. Since she's doing the same song as Paige, L.A. calls it a sing-off. I so want her to land on her stupid leopard-spots, but as much as I hate to admit it she nails the chorus. Paige knows it, too... you can tell by her face (which we're seeing a lot of, thanks to the editors' insistence on trying to gin up some kind of conflict between these two). Unfortunately, so does CeCe. Simon says one of them did, but isn't saying which of them just yet. And that's the end of round one.
After the ads, there's a suspense-building montage alternating between the four judges in the cavernous auditorium and the 100-plus contestants crammed into the hallway outside. The judges talk about contestants without letting us know who they're referring to, while the nervous singers (except CeCe) discuss their nerves over their prospects. Producers start calling out names who will be sent onstage in groups. The first of these include Diamond White, Jason Brock, Vino Alan, Jennel Garcia, Paige Thomas, Sophie Tweed-Simmons, David Correy and a shitload of others. Simon lies that they won't delay it any longer and gives them the "bad news" that they'll have to work hard tomorrow, being through to the round.
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The second group includes Jessica Espinoza, the eminently punchable Rizzloe Jones, Jordyn Foley, Trevor Moran and the aforementioned cross-dresser queen, so clearly they're all toast. Once they're onstage, L.A. says it's a five-million-dollar decision and they're all going to have to go home. Because none of them is worth five million dollars -- not that he says that.
Third group: Jeff Gutt (the angry "Hallelujah" guy), CeCe Frey, Tate Stevens (the country-singing road maintenance guy), all 540 pounds of Freddie Combs, Willie Jones, Johnny Maxwell and others. Demi says this is more difficult than she thought and says, "You're through." Wait, does she mean "through" like "finished" or "through to the round?" Judging by the happy reaction of the people in the stage, it must be the latter. "You made it through!" L.A. clarifies. The first group comes out to join them and exchange congratulations and begin forgetting about the people who are already gone. I'm actually way ahead of them on that one.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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