The previouslies jump from the X Factor truck on the road from the beginning of the season, right to last night's duets between the final three and the real singers, followed by their actual performances last night -- Josh, Chris, and Melanie. It's all echoey and blurry and just generally makes me feel more drunk than I already am.
After the titles, Steve comes out onstage in a full-on tuxedo and welcomes everyone to the finale. In case you've forgotten, there's a five-million-dollar contract at stake for the final three, but much more importantly, here are the judges-slash-mentors. Steve brings out L.A., Nicole, Paula, and Simon to the strains of "The Final Countdown" by Europe, which just makes me think Gob from Arrested Development should be out here with them. Steve promises performances from the final three, as well as from Pitbull, Ne-Yo, 50 Cent, Leona Lewis, and Justin Bieber. Wow, I get to weecap everyone tonight.
Then Steve calls out the Final Twelve. The final what? We start with a group of randoms that may or may not be InTENsity singing the first line of "Edge of Glory" by Lady Gaga. It's hard to tell. They're not very well lit and it's been a while so they're all ten percent older and there are like thirty of them. But there's Stereo Hogzz as well, and Stacy Francis, and Lakoda Rayne, and LeRoy Bell. They sound as good as 21 people can sound singing in unison. Then there's an Astro rap break, which reminds me how much I haven't missed him, and then there's Drew, who's was apparently so devastated by her loss that she's gone brunette, and Rachel Crow, and Marcus Canty, and then the final three (Josh, Melanie, and Chris) come out to finish it up with the key change. Josh looks pretty embarrassed by this whole thing. There's the cast of The New Girl in the audience, I think, because why not? After the song, Steve joins the final twelve on the stage and gives a "fair play" to the judges, who tell them they're all winners. Paula's overwhelmed by getting to see her groups all aver again, and Simon says "There's more than one star up there onstage at the moment." Steve promises more to come after the break, including possibly the winner of the five-million-dollar recording contract, in case you're still interested.
Coming back, Steve says the votes are all in, so the now the final three all get to perform songs for the holidays, with no pressure for votes. Just what they wanted, I'm sure. With regard to holiday plans, Simon claims he's going to hang out with penguins at the North Pole, like he doesn't know they all live at the other one, and then introduces Melanie Amaro. She sings (what else?) "All I Want for Christmas Is You," on a stage strewn with gigantic presents and dancers dressed as slutty elves. For some reason the judges still get to make comments tonight. L.A. says Melanie's voice is the best friend a song ever met. Nicole calls her a "princess goddess warrior," Paula insightfully compliments her for having her hair off her face, and Simon says she's been a pleasure to work with and she deserves to win. And now there's a whole This Is Your Life segment that gets launched, featuring Melanie's former teacher, former boss at the hair salon, best friend, aunt, cousin, siblings, and parents in Florida, as well as her grandmother in the Virgin Islands, all of whom have supportive messages for Melanie that go on long enough to reduce her to tears. Steve tries to get her to comment, which is why it's sad that she's too emotional to speak, before promising a performance by Chris Rene and the revelation of who won third place. Not that those two things are related.
After the ads, Chris Rene is up to sing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," which he apparently just learned yesterday, along with tips on how to dress like Bing Crosby. Again with the judges' comments. Nicole calls him a star from the inside out and adds some blathering, Paula calls him the most original and blathers some more about his style, and Simon says it was cool, adding that Chris is an inspiration. Chris's mentor L.A. talks about how Chris's experiences can change the world. Then there's the This Is Your Life bit featuring Chris's first grade teachers, friends, rehab counselor, brother Mike, best friend Zoltan, sister Gina, other brother Gabriel, mom, baby mama, and toddler son, whose contribution is, "I love you daddyyyyyy." Aww. I don't see Chris's old dealer in there, though. Chris is pretty wrecked by the whole experience, but at least he's able to speak to Steve about how blessed he feels to be there. Steve teases more surprise performances after the break, "and Justin Bieber!" Because Justin Bieber is never surprising.
After the ads, Steve angles for an invitation to Nicole's house for the holidays, which she dodges awkwardly before introducing Josh singing "Please Come Home for Christmas." Which he pretty much walks through, because who cares at this point? L.A. tells Josh that he's been the toughest one to criticize, and he made him realize it's Christmas. Paula talks about souls and magic and how much she loves him, and Simon asks how old Josh is, by way of saying he's represented his category well, what with being 30 years old in the Over 30 category. Nicole tells him how much she appreciates him and goes on about how he opens up his heart and soul and makes her want to be a better person. Like that's hard. Josh gets to watch a clip package of the teachers at his old schools, his former coworkers, his best friend, his girlfriend Megan, his parents, and his daughter Rowan, all of whom have supportive messages. I'd like so see just one person saying, "Dude, how did you get this far?" Actually, these This Is Your Life segments are really invasive, especially now that it's too late for anyone to change their votes. But we've got a two-hour window to fill, after all. Even when Steve promises that we're "so close" to the first result. I'll believe it when I see it.
Oh, and after the ads, it's... Justin Bieber! Okay, which is not a result, but hey, it's Justin Bieber. He's the result of something entirely different. Dressed as the ghost of Christmas 2045, he sings "The Christmas Song" that's better known as "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire," in the most obnoxious way imaginable, with all these notes that aren't even in the song. And wait, what? There's Stevie Wonder, parked behind a keyboard upstage to sing the bridge for some reason. Stevie also contributes a harmonica solo. The judges are all standing up at their table, I suspect because they're getting ready to walk out. And after the Biebs finishes singing that, he doesn't have the decency to leave the stage, but instead launches into an allegedly jazzy version of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town," joined onstage by an army of breakdancers. My spellcheck doesn't recognize the word breakdancers, because it's more up to date than Justin Bieber is. Then he stops before the very last word of the sing and invites Drew out to re-sing the last line, after giving her a big hug. So I guess we can take her off suicide watch now. Steve comes out to let Justin and Stevie talk about working with each other, but obviously the more embarrassing part is when Steve brings up Drew's fantasy of holding hands with Justin on a beach while watching the sun go down. "Yeah, that was kinda better," Drew admits. Except for the part where Steve came out and mortified her afterward.
An hour into the results show, we're finally about to get our first result. Steve dramatically brings out Nicole and Josh, L.A. and Chris, and Simon and Melanie, like we've never met them before. It's time for Steve to announce who finished in third place, and without even saying the magic words "no particular order," Steve lets a long pause go by before announcing the name...Chris Rene. Steve acts sad about Chris's exit, but Chris himself is gracious, saying he's happy to have gotten this far. L.A. offers a few supportive comments before I guess going back to join Paula at the loser's table. Steve totally loses control of the other mentors and finalists, who start wandering off until Steve admits that it's "mayhem" and goes to break. And Chris gets to go get fucking loaded.
Back from ads, Steve's back up in his balcony, reminding us that it's now down to Josh and Melanie and cueing a montage of the "top five most shocking moments." This is from the whole season, mind you. Number 5 is Xander Alexander, who threw attitude at Simon in the auditions; number 4 is Astro's bottom-two tantrum; 3 is the onstage seizure of Dylan Lawson, the dude who supposedly sold his truck to get to auditions; 2 is the tantrum of "Chad," a relation of one of the mother-daughter losers; and finally, number one is the ugly-cry of Rachel Crow after her elimination. Do we really have to see that again? In fact, after the clip, Steve's onstage with Rachel herself, saying, "I still can't watch." Rachel's standing to him now, and she seems to be in a much better mood than she was a couple of weeks ago, telling Steve that she's doing great and plans to steal his job. Steve obligingly hands the show over to her so she can introduce Leona Lewis singing her new single "Run." And then, wouldn't you know it, Leona Lewis sings "Run." Which would have been embarrassing for Rachel otherwise. Leona Lewis has to perform in front of clips from the whole season, though, which ends up rather upstaging her. After she's done, the judges each take a turn talking about the season overall. For L.A., the high point seems to have been Dexter Haygood jumping into Nicole's pool. Simon makes it all about Leona's X Factor U.K. win, because that's the most important thing. Steve does a whole extended plug for auditions for the season. I'm not entirely thrilled that there's going to be a season.
Steve does a remote interview with Melanie and Josh backstage, both of whom are happy to be there and grateful to their supporters. Then he cues a montage of the whole L.A. vs. Simon rivalry that they've been trumping up all season, which I've already covered before and don't plan to again. After that, Derek Fisher from the L.A. Lakers is standing to Steve to introduce his "close friend" 50 Cent. So Fiddy and the dancers and the network censors all perform "Wait Until Tonight." It's really a collaborative performance, with all the muting that goes on. Some more Lakers show up, and after a while, Astro comes out to join in with the rapping. Well, it's not Jay-Z, but it looks like Astro will take it. Steve says it's only a few more minutes before we learn who the winner is. If a few is thirty.
After the earlier bit about Simon and L.A.'s rivalry, Steve does a tongue-in-cheek intro to the season-long "cry-off" between Paula and Nicole. There's a scoreboard on the screen and everything, and all I will say is that Nicole wins 25-10, although 15 of those were from the night she sent Rachel home by being a coward. And now, Pitbull featuring Ne-Yo! Whose records are we selling tonight, anyway? Marcus Canty gets to join them at the end of their song, so I guess these special guest performances amount to consolation prizes for some of the losers.
Steve is out in the audience between the Krajciks and the Amaros, who obviously are very proud and supportive and kind of bored with having to wait two hours to find out who's going to win already. Or maybe that's just me. Josh and Melanie now have to do a duet together, of "Heroes" by David Bowie. I assume all potential permutations of the final two had to rehearse a song to sing tonight after the third-place contestant got the boot, which makes me rather curious about what both Josh and Melanie would have had to sing with Chris. Tell me you're not curious too. You can't, can you? Josh and Melanie hug afterward like they're not mortal enemies, and Steve says the winner will be revealed after the break, honest and for true this time.
For what I hope is the last time, the opera music plays as Steve brings out the final two with their mentors. Steve says it's down to the final two based on votes, and says this is it. "The winner of The X Factor is..." An eighteen-second pause! No, actually it's Melanie Amaro. Melanie wins! After having been eliminated from the competition, no less. She's going to give reality show losers unrealistic hope for years to come. While she and Simon hug, Steve informs her, like she doesn't know, that she's won a five-million-dollar recording contract AND will get to be in a Pepsi commercial. Melanie is too overcome to talk, and while everyone else hugs each other, Steve kills a few seconds by getting Josh's reaction. He's taking it pretty well, saying Melanie deserves it and he's happy to have gotten to be himself. Nicole adds that she couldn't be any more proud of Josh. He takes a final bow, and Steve has to all but pry Melanie off the stage where she's on her knees praying to get her thought. But then he's cockblocked again by her family members rushing up and hugging her, so Simon gets to make a big speech thanking America for giving Melanie an opportunity. "You're not gonna get a word out of her, Steve," he warns. Steve takes the mic back and says Melanie's going to have to sing one more time, and he goes stage right to remind us all what Melanie won and to introduce her final performance. Once again, she sings "Listen," a little more roughly than last night, skipping some lines entirely, but whaddya want? Girlfriend's a multimillionaire now. She can go full-on Whitney Houston if she wants. She's eventually joined onstage by the backup singers, the rest of the final twelve, and a metric ton of confetti by the end of the song. After she's done, Steve finally gets through to her to ask how she's feeling, and all she can manage is, "Thank you so much!" Steve turns to Simon, who says they came to find a superstar and found one. And finally, Steve congratulates Melanie, thanks the judges, and reminds us all to audition year. Yeah. I think I'll pass. He gets Melanie to thank America one more time and tells us good night.
Wow, I feel oddly let down now. If only there were another televised singing competition coming up on Fox in the few weeks. And if only I were recapping it...