The three finalists start things out by interviewing about their humble respective beginnings, and then the voice-over guy shouts over them that it's the finals, and all three of them basically say they want it really really bad. It's Chris Rene, Josh Krajcik and Melanie Amaro, in case you forgot, and they all seem to think it's theirs to win.
After the titles, Steve comes out onstage in an even snazzier suit than usual and gives the credit for the finalists' success to -- who else? -- the judges, of course. Cue the entrance of L.A., Nicole wearing her hair like a hood ornament, Paula and Simon. And then out come the final three themselves, dressed much the same as always. Standing in front of one of two Christmas trees decked out on the stage, Steve gives shout-outs to the finalists' hometowns, with live shots of screaming, sign-waving crowds packing Josh's old high school gym in Wooster Ohio, Chris Rene's old nightclub singing venue in Santa Cruz, California, and Melanie's megachurch in Sunrise, Florida. Steve lets the judges make some supportive comments, which they all do, and even Simon says it's going to be really close. No hurry, though. We'll be starting after the ad break. In fact, the first commercial is a Pepsi montage featuring the final three. So I guess they're already getting a head start on that commercial that's even better than the five-million-dollar prize.
Steve welcomes us back and invites us to Tweet tonight using the supportive hashtag #NoPointsForSecond. I'll get right on that, but don't be surprised if I only use the first seven letters.
Moving on to the competition, Steve tells us that the order of the performances was determined randomly, and we'll be starting with Josh. He appears on a red-lit stage in front of a fairy-tale forest singing "Uninvited" by Alanis Morissette. Not a great song for him, I'm sorry to say, even with Drew gone. But suddenly he stops and introduces Alanis herself, who comes out and joins him in a duet while he grins like a starstruck loon. Does everyone get to do something like this?
Afterward, Steve comes out and asks Alanis what it was like working with Josh. He starts to answer, but fortunately Alanis jumps in to talk about how soulful Josh is. Exit Alanis. Oh, and did you know she has a new album coming out? What are the chances? Josh looks like he's about to follow her off the stage until Steve reels him in for the judges' comments.
L.A. and Paula were impressed, and Simon points out (correctly) that Josh was intimidated by Alanis, which Josh more or less cops to. And who could blame him? Did you see Dogma? She makes a dude's head explode just by opening her mouth in that. Nicole spins that as Josh's generosity, and then we go live to that gym in Wooster, Ohio, where his grandmother and uncle give a little live commentary. I'm more interested in the fact that this is almost certainly the first time people in that gym have ever cheered for Josh Krajcik. Isn't that ironic? Don't you think?
Coming back, L.A. has to shout over the opera music as he says that yesterday marked the eighth month of Chris's sobriety. Not that that's relevant at all.
Chris fumbles through the first verse of Avril Lavigne's "Complicated" on a green-lit stage, so after what happened with Josh, it's not really a surprise when Avril herself comes out. It's probably not good that her voice completely overpowers his, and she even takes the big finish. He seems to be having a hell of a time, though, which is pretty much what he's always been about anyway. When Steve comes out at the end, Avril makes some supportive statements about Chris before taking off.
Now to the judges: Nicole says it was a little shaky at the opening, which is her equivalent of taking a steaming dump in his hat, but compliments his energy and light and stuff. Paula's more positive and less coherent. "Didn't understand a word of that," Simon tells Paula before agreeing that Chris was obviously happy to be there. L.A. says he and Avril complemented each other and that could be a number-one record tomorrow. Which may say more about the state of music than that performance.
Cut to that nightclub in Santa Cruz, where Chris's -door neighbor does a screamy live remote with a big cake and "some friends from rehab!" Seriously, she says this. One of them is the guy Chris honored in the Thanksgiving episode, at least. Chris seems both goofy and emotional at the same time as Steve gives the voting instructions.
Simon looks even more smug than usual as he introduces Melanie, probably because of who's going to be coming out given the kind of artists Melanie usually covers. But then she comes out and sings "I Believe I Can Fly," so it's R. Kelly, who comes out dressed like a Christmas Caroler and totally upstages Melanie with a big run of notes. Do these performances count? I'm not sure they should count.
When Steve comes out at the end, R. tells him that Melanie is going to the moon (you probably want to be careful saying things like that if you're R. Kelly), and says this was the first time he's done this song as a duet. He leaves the stage so I don't have to deal with someone who is known professionally by a first initial, because how annoying is that?
L.A. congratulates Melanie on singing one of the "most important songs written in the last fifty years," which it may well be if you count a lot of other songs as well. L.A. points out that he expects more from her, and Nicole comes to Melanie's defense by pointing out that she was in R.'s key and did the best she could. Paula calls the song "prolific," among other things, and Simon calls it an incredible duet, and adds that she looked like someone who could be an established artist. Faint praise at this stage, especially from her mentor.
Now to Melanie's church for a live remote from Melanie's overexcited bishop and friend, followed by the usual voting instructions. Let's pause for a moment to think about Drew watching at home and thinking about not getting to duet with Justin Bieber. Okay, now let's stop thinking about that.
Before moving on to tonight's second round, Steve yields the stage to squad of rhythmically marching Cylons doing a number from the new Cirque du Soleil/Michael Jackson show. At some point the final three come out and sing along with the recording of some relatively obscure MJ song, which they clearly can't hear because they're out of sync. [Note: It's "They Don't Care About Us". -- RS.] Then they come downstage and join the marching while they continue singing. After that's over, you can see it in all six of their eyes: When I'm worth five million bucks, I'm never doing anything that mortifying again.
Time for the second round. There's an intro reel for Josh about his humble musical beginnings, his supportive mom, his triumph at his first audition and the ones that followed, going all the way up to this point. Josh tells us this opportunity will never happen again, so this is it.
For his last song, he's standing Elvis-like at the top of a lit-up staircase, accompanied only by himself on an acoustic guitar as he sings the song that first got him noticed, "At Last." It's pretty bold to do something this stripped down for a last-chance performance, but he gives it his all and then some. He comes down the stairs for the judges' comments.
L.A. says he's a rock star, Paula says he owns the stage, Simon agrees with me that it was a risk that paid off, and Nicole yammers about him being himself. "Music loves you, Josh," she says, and begs us to vote for him. Now back to Wooster, Ohio for some comments from the mayor and Josh's friend, who may or may not have screamed an s-bomb on live TV while balancing a toddler on one arm. That should help with the voting.
Steve shares some Tweets with us that are the reason lots of people dismiss Twitter in the first place, and L.A. introduces Chris. In his intro reel, he says he's two people away from wining and he can't believe he's here. The narrative arc is all about Chris's addiction, recovery, "Young Homie," and how Chris's continued sobriety is all because of L.A. Reid.
Chris goes the Josh route, singing his original song "Young Homie" that was the first thing he did for the judges, only with updated lyrics and added dancers and backup singers. It's pretty damn joyful and epic, actually.
He gets a standing ovation from all four judges, though not necessarily at the same time. Nicole thanks Chris for the song that she says is his purpose in life. Paula nearly jumps out of her dress in her excitement over how awesome Chris was, and Simon tells him that was his five-million-dollar song. Simon asks for a little credit of his own, saying he also made the deal with Chris to keep clean, and says he hopes America gets behind him. L.A, compliments on how well Chris poured himself into the song, and Paula's chanting, "Vote, vote, vote!" through it all. In Santa Cruz, Chris's friends Mark and Bruce are a little slow on the uptake, but they recover and hold up Chris's first guitar and trot out the mayor as well, who flashes the "love life" sign before Steve cuts him off for the voting instructions. Save it for the local news, your honor.
Simon introduces Melanie, whose intro reel is all over the place accent-wise. We flash back to her debut audition of "Listen," and then Simon's ill-advised elimination of her, and then his going to her house to invite her back and how her confidence level has mirrored her fortunes through it all. Like the other two, she's singing the same song she first performed for the judges. So the moral is, if you're ever going to audition for The X Factor, pick your song carefully because you'll be doing it again at the very end. You know, if you get that far.
Melanie's new version is even bigger than her original, as she belts the hell out of it. It was starting to get boring, how good she always is, but this is some -level shit.
"That is the Melanie that I love right there," L.A. says, and calls it a fifty-million-dollar performance. Nicole puts on her usual big theatrical show of giving comments, and hysterically, Melanie is openly and contemptuously bored of her, rolling her eyes and looking away. And why not, she doesn't need to give a shit any more. Paula has a little more restraint than she did with Chris, and Simon gives himself credit for bringing the show to America and tells her she should be the winner of The X Factor. Cut to Sunrise, Florida, where Melanie's godsister (which neither I nor spellcheck knew was a thing) and mayor scream over each other and the chaos in the church.
Steve gives the voting instructions and opens the voting lines before cueing the montage of tonight's performances. Up is down! Back from that, Steve's onstage with the final three, telling us, "Tomorrow night, we'll find out who has won." Plus they've got a slew of guests for the finale, including...Justin Bieber. Somebody in Chino Valley needs to take away all of Drew's scarves, stat.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.