Speared

S02E01

In the green room, Demi and Simon have an inappropriate conversation about her love life, and then we're back to Kaci alpha-bitching to her sister some more and boasting about how big a star she knows she can be. Finally she heads out onstage in front of the judges. Simon tells her she reminds him of someone, and then looks pointedly between Kaci and Britney. Which I'm sure is going to be happening all damn season. She says she's going to sing "Firework," which is pretty bold because even Katy Perry can't sing that. L.A. is skeptical that Kaci's a singer at all for some reason and when the music starts Kaci turns out, unsurprisingly, to have a pretty weak, shaky voice. You can see the exact moment when Simon checks out and starts mentally going through his to-do list for when he finishes today's shoot. He mercifully stops her at the first chorus and politely says, "This is going to sound odd, but it sounded like you were dying." Kaci cops to being nervous and asks for another shot, which they aren't inclined to give her. They're about to vote until she cuts them off with a few badly-sung lines from "Mercy." Four no's for Kaci, although as consolation Simon tells her, "You are quite annoying." Kaci, leaving the venue with her sister: "Oh, well." Okay, she took that better than expected. Not much of a payoff, though.

I guess that's it for Austin, and in the absence of a host, the transition to San Francisco is facilitated by some local drag queens instead. The judges are entouraged to the San Francisco venue with all the accompanying Secret Service-style pomp, and we get to see them enter another venue all over again. Simon assures the screaming crowd that they're going to find a star. It's just going to take a while, as we first have to sit through a crazy screaming island girl, a pelvic-thrusting psycho bartender, a creepy old guy who looks like a drunk Mr. Weatherbee from Archie comics, a possibly male Beyoncé impersonator, a masked Usher who does bad comedy rather than bad singing, a nutty lady with a Simon voodoo doll and a slew of other horrible howlers. Then we cut to the parking lot, where this gross guy is ogling all the ladies. Imagine his (bleeped) chagrin when one hottie in booty-shorts and a bridal veil turns around and ends up being a dude. This would be Quatrele Da'an Smith (I know, spellcheck, settle down), who seems more than confident. By the time he hits the stage, the judges are pretty much over the Bay Area, but Britney and Demi are at least somewhat amused by him. He sings "Born This Way," like there's anything else a man could possibly sing while dressed like that. Unfortunately, he's not a terrible singer, which makes it a little more difficult to dismiss his whole overdone shtick. Difficult, but not impossible. The judges indulge him, but the audience seems to sincerely love him. Britney says his singing was a little off key, but "really entertaining." Demi just says she loves him and his lipstick color. Simon thinks he's like the offspring of Madonna, Bobby Brown and Dracula. "But in a weird way, I quite liked it," he admits, cracking himself up. L.A. votes no, Britney gives him a yes and so does Demi and even Simon, laughing like he doesn't have anything better to do. L.A. is left sitting there in frank amazement. Don't worry, L.A., I don't think the five million dollars is in any danger from Quatrele.

Backstage, Paige is called to the stage while Kaci's still bitching about her pants. Simon ogles Paige Simonly and Paige points to her daughter in the wings, who Simon can see. That doesn't stop him from digging on her shorts and stockings and all. He asks her about whether she's gone after a recording contract before, and she's already emotional as she tells her story of needing to provide for her daughter. Eventually Paige gets a hold of herself long enough to sing "I'm Going Down" by Mary J. Blige. She starts off a little lackluster, but gets way into it in a hurry, while the crowd and judges and pretty much everybody in the place other than Kaci seems to appreciate it. Big ovation from the crowd and the camera keeps cutting to Kaci backstage, looking like she's going to stain her pants all over again. Simon turns to Britney at his immediate right, who gives what sounds like several speeches she's prepared for this gig and declares Paige flawless. L.A. tells her she's a star and she needs to stop putting it off, comparing her to a girl he met several years ago named Rihanna. Rihanna what? Give us more, L.A. Demi agrees that Paige is a superstar, and Simon loves not only her look and her sound (especially her look) but her responsibility to her kid, which he says makes this one of his favorite auditions ever. Well, that and her outfit. Four yeses for Paige, duh. Her daughter runs out onstage and into her arms like she knows what any of this means. Paige gushes to the cameras while Kaci's sister encourages Kaci. Which Kaci needs, and yet also doesn't -- if you know what I mean. One other thing: I knew Steve Jones was out as the host, but are they not replacing him? Maybe they're holding auditions for that too.

Coming back, Kaci is still backstage and her sister is still power-enabling her Heathers crap. But first we're going to see the audition from Shawn Armenta, a 50-year-old baggage handler who looks every single day and Samsonite of that. He says he's been preparing six hours every night, from 6-10 PM, for a year and a half for this. Working so hard he forgot how to do math, I see. He goes out onstage and tells the judges all about his hours and hours of preparation for the past eighteen months, and then gives an embarrassing introduction of his original song, "Candy Girl." But it's nowhere near as embarrassing as his actual performance, which certainly reflects all the work he's done without reflecting a single iota of talent or ability. The entire place grimaces in horror, and then the editors manage the feat of making us think the place is totally silent after his long-overdue finish. Simon calls it "just wrong," which annoys Shawn, who worked "way too frigging hard for this." Demi pipes up that a lot of people work hard, but it's not for everybody. "That's why you use Auto-Tune and I don't," Shawn snarks, while Simon laughs like that was a good burn. Britney asks who let him onstage and she's uncomfortable with him staring at her. Shawn decides he doesn't need this "amateur hour" and bounces. It'll be interesting to see where he moves up to after this.

Montage of more suckmeisters, set to Britney's own "Toxic," appropriately enough, because this segment is all Britney. A portly salesman who barks gets told to practice more, a 41-year-old fitness instructor is pronounced "just kinda bad," and a student gets told his singing "wasn't very nice." She delivers a string of similar zingers, getting increasingly comfortable with laying them out and raining down no's. "And people say I'm the mean one," Simon says after a while of this. There can be more than one, Simon.

We come back from the ads continuing to establish the narrative of how mean Britney is, which she justifies by saying she's trying to be honest and not waste anyone's time. Considering that Britney Spears has contributed to more human time-wasting than most people in the history of the species that does seem like the least she can do. We now meet a precocious seventh-grader named Reed Deming, who, along with the show, is playing up his vaguest possible resemblance to Justin Bieber. He's there with his Dad and nervous about performing in front of Britney, who is currently earning that by telling yet another off-key auditioner no. Reed watches Brit's latest victim limp off the stage crying, but bucks himself up and struts out there. Demi gushes about how cute he is, and he sings "It Will Rain" by Bruno Mars with rather more passion than skill. Simon stops him halfway through the first verse and tells him to shake off the nerves. He does much better with a stripped-down version of "Grenade," though. Simon tells him he wants better vocals, Demi compliments his stage presence, L.A. says he reminds him of some other kid, although Reed says he doesn't want to "fall into that Bieber stereotype." Stop diving at it then, kiddo. Finally, with many suspenseful pauses, Britney tells him he's adorable. They all vote yes, even Britney. And of course Kaci Newton's stink-eye is getting a huge workout. After all this buildup, she'd better be either very good or very bad. I don't even care which one anymore.

Lest we forget that this competition also includes groups (like I've been trying to do) we meet Emblem3, a three-boy group from Huntington Beach who kills time skateboarding in the parking lot. Apparently they're also brothers, "basically." They meet backstage with an "actor" named Vincent Thomas from Los Angeles, whose already diluted masculinity to these three alpha-bros is not exactly highlighted. Apparently Vincent was in a boy band of his own, and they were huge in England five years ago. For about three days. He talks to Emblem3 about being in a band and gives them some advice from his wealth of experience, which they don't care about. In fact, they assure us that they are not a boy band. Seriously, they're totally not. While they're waiting to go on, Vincent goes out and sings "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word." Kind of pretty but very boring... much like Vincent himself. Simon tells Vincent that he's like the boy band member who doesn't sing, which is going a bit far. In the wings, Emblem3 celebrates the humiliation of another competitor, and then heads out right after him, pronouncing him "super lame" almost before he's out of earshot.

They introduce themselves individually (Wes, Drew, and Keaton, ages 15-19, and I suppose I'm going to have to tell them apart at some point, but we're not at that point yet). They're doing an original song called "Sunset Boulevard" contrary to L.A.'s warnings. Their backing track begins, clearly also recorded by themselves and the bro-vibe goes up to 11. Or maybe 311, if you know what I mean... and I think you do. The crowd loves them, as do Britney and Demi, clearly. L.A. and Simon are into it too, after a while. After they're done, L.A. tells them, "I don't like you -- I love you." Britney is also impressed. Demi starts flirting with them, prompting Simon to once again go all daddy on her, putting up an invisible barrier between her and them. Like the one he could have used a few times last year with the likes of Tiah Tolliver. Simon says he liked everything about them, especially in comparison to Vincent, and they all four give Emblem3 a yes. Moving on, much like they are.

Coming back after the ads, we see Demi trying hard -- like she has been all episode -- to bond with Britney, who is patiently putting up with it. Up is Don Philip, a 32-year-old vocal coach who let's hope is sticking to Tom Waits covers if his speaking voice is any indication of his musical sound. He reveals that he did a duet with Britney 10 years ago. Was this one of those fan-gets-called-onstage things? It was apparently the biggest thing in his life and he's still not over it, although we get to see a few glamour shots from his own abortive pop career. Now he's just a big needy ball of need, hoping Britney likes him. Again. He comes out onstage, and Britney looks like a junior-high boyfriend just showed up at her baby shower, and he hasn't had a girlfriend since her, and maybe like his face now has a tattoo of her face. Simon seems to be the only one at the judges' table who doesn't know who Don is, and he wants to know what happened in the ten years since Don and Britney teamed up. Don's answer is to start crying. "I never thought I'd see you again," he chokes out to Britney, like theirs is an epic tale of star-crossed whatever for the ages. He admits that he didn't think he was good enough back then, but now he wants his shot. Apparently a decade of gargling thumbtacks was just what the doctor ordered.

The crowd loves his story, as short as it is. He launches into "Halo," to Simon's obvious annoyance and Britney's even more obvious discomfort, because he's... not good. Simon eventually puts a stop to it while the camera -- and indeed almost everyone else -- focuses on Britney, who has become a big dready ball of dread at what she knows she's going to have to tell him. Simon lays it out for him without rancor: "You don't have a good singing voice." Don turns desperately to Britney, like she's going to save him. She makes a sympathetic speech about what he's been through, but says his voice isn't up to it. "I have another song," he chokes out through a throatful of broken glass, but the voting's already happening and it's no's across the board, including from Britney. Don looks betrayed, but after he's offstage, he sobs, "Did you see Britney's eyes? I feel like I've hurt her." Don't worry, Don, Britney will survive. It's you I'm worried about. If this is where he is ten years after duetting with Britney, where's he going to be ten years from today? Simon comes over to Britney's chair to tell her she did the right thing. Maybe, but she clearly didn't enjoy it. Even I didn't, particularly.

Ah, Providence, Rhode Island. I spent a week there one night. A couple of girls come out of a coffee shop doing staged dialogue about how people from all over the Northeast will be coming in for this one. Yes, that would explain the traffic I encountered. We meet a few auditioners, who are pretty low-key compared to what we've seen so far. An 18-year-old girl named Jennel Garcia is torn between whether she likes Britney or Demi better. She's a recent high-school grad from Rochester, Massachusetts, and figures this is the start of her life. Well, it's as good a place as any. We learn way too much about her family to worry that she's going anywhere and way too much for me to spend all the time it would take to transcribe. From the wings, she witnesses a lot of other acts getting shot down before bravely going out there herself. Turns out she's a bit of an old-school rock star who ends up winning over the crowd and the audience pretty easily. Everyone loves her, to put it mildly. The judges gush all over her and give her unanimous yeses. Now I'm going to have to learn about her family, aren't I?

Back to the suck. Uvay Trivedi is advised by Simon to buy a puppy so he can make this a happy day, because he's getting four no's. Then a Molly Shannon character named Jillian Jensen, a 19-year-old part-time piano teacher, comes out in leopard-skin pants while a small crowd of her supporters cheers her on from backstage, except for the "small" part. She's also from Rochester, so I assume some of those people also know Jennel. Jillian already knows she's about a month older than Demi, not that she's a stalker whose tattoo coincidentally matches Demi's. She further reveals that like Demi (apparently), she endured a lot of bullying in school and now I feel like a dick. Happy, Jillian? We flash back to earlier backstage, when she tearfully told the whole story earlier backstage of the merciless mocking and bullying she's had to put up with, and how she wants to get through to prove to the haters that she can make it. She also thanks her parents, with a lot more tears, and then we're back in the present as she prepares to sing... "Skyscraper?" No, that's been playing all through this segment already. L.A. and Demi buck her up a bit, and she goes into a highly emotional and raw performance. Demi is moved to tears herself just from listening to her and much of the audience is on its feet. Simon's expression either inscrutable or irritated; they look alike on him.

She gets all the way to the end of the song and the crowd goes wild, along with her cast of thousands backstage and even the contestant holding room, where they've been watching it all on the monitor. I can't imagine that happens often. Demi gets up, walks onstage and gives Jillian a long, long hug and tells her -- away from the mic but still audible somehow -- that that was amazing. L.A. says he's never heard anyone pour their pain into a song like that. "That's what this business is all about. You got it." Britney compliments her "raspy, sexy" voice, and Simon takes a long (especially for him) pause before simply saying, "That was incredible." Demi gives her more official critique about how amazing it was. "When you sang, you broke my heart." L.A. calls for a vote and Simon gives the "easiest yes I've said today." Demi says yes, Britney says "yes, yes, yes," and L A. tells her she has four. Well, six, counting Britney's. The whole family flocks out onstage to congratulate her. How can the bullies even get to her through that crowd? The judges keep talking about how amazing she was after she's gone. Simon says this was the only time in his life he's ever lost it. Afterwards, backstage, the other judges remark on Simon's emotional reaction. "Aw, you have a heart!" Demi coos. Heh.

And with a promo for the rest of the season and the remaining auditions (and meltdowns) we're out. I'm just picturing how they fired Steve Jones. I hope they pulled him into a room and told him, "Steve, as a host, nobody's better than you." And he was like, "Thank you!" And they were like, "Wait, no..."

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.

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