Steve enters through the Jumbotron doors, which are now projecting the word RESULTS in giant letters. He has to yell, over the din of the crowd and the opera-howlers that someone forgot to turn off, that it's the live results show, which will feature performances by Florence + The Machine and Nicole Scherzinger. And someone's going home tonight, but I suspect it won't be Nicole, alas.
Steve brings out the judges and tells us there's no final showdown, no judges' decisions, just the results of the votes. And this plus two songs is going to kill an entire hour? Steve informs us that there were 30 million votes last night, which I admit is a lot, especially given that none of them were mine, and then yields the stage to the final four. They perform the updated version of Tears for Fears' "Shout," much to Josh's apparent embarrassment. Perhaps making them repeatedly sing the line "these are the things I can do without" is a way of preparing whoever's done tonight.
The judges all give them a standing ovation, like it matters. Steve reminds us that that one of the four will win a five million dollar contract, and I could be , what with the auditions for the second season coming up year. You know, actually? I'm good.
After the ads, we get the usual recap of last night's performances and comments, as well as interjections from each singer's (and Chris's) supporters back home, coming to us via forty-dollar webcams. Given how predictable the reactions back home are, they may have overspent.
Coming back, Steve asks the judges for their reactions to last night. Simon tries to say over the crowd noise that he's happy after watching it back, but admits he's nervous considering what happened last week. Paula says she was most impressed with Josh and Chris last night, although with a lot more Paula-ese. Nicole agrees with Paula, in similar language, but says she's proud of everyone. L.A. admits to some nerves for the first time, with two of his Boys in the semifinals and only three spots in the finals. Not that he claims to know what that means. I know what it means: Marcus has been circling the drain for almost a month now, and his orbit is finally decaying.
Steve tries to do a remote interview with the semi-finalists and the judges, who are all backstage. The problem is that Paula keeps wandering off and blocking the camera to kiss everyone. "Paula, get out of my shot!" Steve mock-snaps at her, and tries to direct a question to L.A. about how smug he must be feeling as the only judge with two singers left, but he has to repeat it twice because L.A. isn't paying attention either. It loses what little spontaneity it had on the third go. And since L.A. and Paula burned up all the time for that segment, we have to go straight to Florence + The Machine. Steve says it's the premiere of a new song called "Spectrum," which starts out so low and quiet it doesn't seem to have a melody at all. Eventually it picks up, and the dancers do this Martha Graham thing, and as well as Florence sings it, it's just not that great a song. Steve plugs her new album, but unless the other songs on it are better I have a feeling the dog days may not be all that's over for Florence + The Machine.
Time for some filler, with a clip/interview segment about the judges' opinions of each of the final four. Marcus is the guy who keeps coming back without whining, and is the entertainer. Chris is the most original contestant with the most heart, and somehow they don't bring up his recovery. Josh has the voice and the emotion (and the crazy eyes) and Melanie has the amazing technical voice and provides Simon his constant justification for telling us how awesome he is for fixing his early mistake with her. As for the final four, they all agree that it's anyone's game.
Finally, we're back onstage and Steve claims it's time to find out who went through to the finals. He brings them out once again: Nicole and Josh; L.A., Marcus and Chris; and Simon and Melanie. Steve recites the magic words "no particular order," and takes his sweet time before saying Chris Rene is in the finals. Chris is pretty happy about that, and so are Marcus and L.A. The second safe one is Melanie. She and Simon hug happily, and we leave Josh and Marcus waiting to see which of them is leaving. Will Marcus go down, or will he toss another popular corpse on his growing pile of them?
When we come back it seems like that suspenseful "heartbeat" music has been going on the whole break, which must make everyone in the auditorium nervous. Josh and Marcus have been banished backstage for another remote interview with Steve. Josh says he has a lot of hope and is hopeful he can get to work preparing for the finals. Actually, he can do that either way, it's just question of what that preparation will entail. If he goes home tonight, there probably won't be as many people helping him. Marcus says he just wants America to give him a chance. A bit late for that.
Right now, it's time for Nicole Scherzinger to sing her new song "Pretty." What I love about the intro reel for Nicole is that in place of all the awesome facts and impressive numbers that are on the intro reels for all the other guest performers, Nicole's are...completely absent. Just a bunch of clips from her videos and her name on the screen. How humble of her. Nicole keeps the performance simple, at least for Nicole, standing center stage and doing an angry song about not wanting to be pretty no more. Which does explain the faces she's making while she sings.
Standing O from only three of the judges this time, but then one of them's already standing. Steve comes out and asks her what it's like to perform on the X Factor stage. She says she's been waiting a while, but it feels amazing. Steve then makes Nicole stand there while he solicits comments from the judges, as though she's a contestant. Simon does a pretty decent Nicole impression in his own voice: "I believe in you, you believe in me, you transcend the universe, God is smiling on you, life is a waterfall and you are the ultimate rainbow." That's actually probably the nicest thing he was ever going to say to her. After milking some cheers form the audience on her behalf, Steve lets Nicole off the hook and goes to break, with poor Marcus and Josh still waiting backstage. Oh well, I guess it's not like they have anyplace to be.
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When we come back, Steve still has more filler, in the form of a remote interview with Chris and Melanie backstage. They both thank their voters and supporters, because what else are they going to say? Finally Steve brings L.A., Marcus, Josh and Nicole (in her third outfit of the hour) out on the stage in their second overdramatic entrance of the night. Steve reminds us that there's still no particular order, so they're not necessarily the bottom two. He wishes both Marcus and Josh good luck (he must be lying to one of them), and pulls one more pause that goes on so long we almost forget whether the name he's about to announce is the one going home or the one staying. But in the end, it turns out that four knocks is what it takes to bring down Marcus Canty -- Josh is safe.
As the other judges join them onstage, Steve tries to commiserate with Marcus, who refuses to be sad no matter how much Steve tries to make him that way. L.A. gets the mic and tells Marcus that he's a major star and a great singer and we'll be seeing more of him. Well, not if the two years his mom gave him are up.
Marcus seems to have a great time watching his retrospective montage, and promises that it's not over yet. Steve sends him dancing off the stage, and welcomes the three finalists, who enter from the upstage entrance AGAIN: Chris, Melanie, and Josh. One of them will win the five million dollar contract week, and judging by their faces, they all seem to think it's going to be themselves. Two of them are going to be abruptly disappointed week, and the third one will be disappointed more slowly but much more harshly and comprehensively, over the course of the several years.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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