Steve welcomes us to the show from his balcony and tells us that tonight the final five will become the final four, but first! Lenny Kravitz takes the stage and performs his newest retro rock song, which sounds more early-'80s than his old '60s-sounding stuff that he released in the '90s. Every artist has to change with the times, after all. Oh! But then he also sings a truncated version of "Are You Gonna Go My Way," which takes me back all over again. Steve comes back and compliments him on how good he looks in that much leather before bringing up last night's show. He says the judges were well behaved, going by Steve's own index of how many times he was told to shut up (zero last night, at least by the judges). And then we get the usual recap of last night's show, with a few unnecessary backstage moments added in. After that, Steve quizzes the judges on their personal highlights, which they all seem to agree was Chris's second song. Steve says he agrees -- twice! So it must have been awesome. Steve promises an upcoming performance from Mary J. Blige. "Popular!" he remarks, and it's ad time.
Steve introduces a package about all the backstage activity, with all the wardrobe, hair and makeup people who had to put everyone through quick changes during last night's show. I would have rather heard more of Lenny Kravitz's second song.
"Fair play!" Steve chirps when he comes back, and calls the final five out into the stage with their judges: Nicole and Josh Krajcik; L.A., Marcus Canty and Chris Rene; and Simon, Melanie Amaro and Rachel Crow. Steve utters the magical incantation "In no particular order," which is the signal that he's about to start naming the people who are automatically in week. After a long pause, the first one named is Josh. Simon and L.A. look almost as happy as Nicole. The second act is Chris Rene, who is a lot less surprised this week than he was last week. Simon looks a little less pleased, now that it's a lock that at least one of his girls will be in the bottom two with Marcus. What? Did I jump to a conclusion there?
After more ads, Steve has Melanie, Rachel and Marcus backstage for a remote interview, which he starts out by lying that he can't believe one of them will be leaving tonight. Rachel, who I'm sure is the safest of the three, cops to being scared, "but I love you all." Steve makes her talk some more before asking for a reaction from Marcus, who claims he'll love it either way. Melanie also admits to being nervous but "kinda confident," and happy she's gotten this far. "Try and relax," Steve signs off. Sure, no problem.
Mary J. Blige then sings "Need Somone," standing inside Josh's spotlight cage from last week, all in white and singing to a bedazzled microphone stand like a welcoming TV angel of death. It's a pretty subdued tune, accompanied by a white-dressed guy with a white acoustic guitar and a white-clad string section. So that's what someone with nothing to prove sounds like on this show.
Then Steve has a remote interview with Josh and Chris, whose images in the backstage area tower over Steve on the Jumbotron like they could step on him at any moment. Lucky for him, they're in a good mood. Steve seems amazed already that Chris is going to be back week. "It's rather exciting, yes?" Chris gushes about how happy he is that he'll finally be able to get those teeth fixed. Or maybe that was just the Chris in my head. Josh says he always believed in himself, and thanks everyone for their support. Steve reminds us of week's Pepsi Challenge songs and says, "Back to business."
He heads back across the stage to where Marcus, Rachel and Melanie are waiting with L.A. and Simon. Before dropping the shoe already, Steve goes over last night's comments from the judges, and takes his sweet time at it. At this rate some of them are going to have to be moved into the Over 30 category by the time we find out who's safe.
But at last, Steve announces the name of the third and final person automatically safe for the semifinals: Melanie Amaro. So it's going to be Marcus vs. Rachel in the bottom two, in what I'm sure will be a blowout. Seriously, Marcus doesn't have a chance. "Bottom two again?" Marcus mock-sighs, but promises to sing from the heart. Rachel emotionally says she'll do her best, "And I love you, Marcus, it's okay." Aw, that kid. Who would ever let her leave? Steve promises that after the break we'll get what must be like the eighth "final showdown" now.
Coming back, Steve checks with the "impartial judges," Nicole and Paula, to ask what they're looking for. They just both want singing from the heart. I want more articulate impartial judges. L.A. introduces Marcus in that way he always does, pronouncing the two syllables of "Canty" like a ringing doorbell. Oh well, at least it'll be the last time.
Marcus's save me song is "I'm Going Down," which may not be the best option for a third bottom-two performance in as any weeks. Because yes, Marcus, you're going down. He actually belts the hell out of it, although I kind of wish someone would immobilize his right arm, because he seems to be under the impression that flopping it around a lot = heart. Steve comes out and shakes his hand, but Marcus looks like it's already over. Well, at least he did a good job with his last song. He's not just handing it to Rachel like I thought he would.
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Simon introduces Rachel like he's super excited, and she comes out looking the opposite of that. She sings "I'd Rather Go Blind," which has Paula on her feet throughout. I have to admit that Marcus wasn't going to let her phone this in, but boy does she ever not. She's fantastic, even more than usual, and she's in tears by the end of it. She's clearly the only person in America who doesn't know Marcus is going home. Seriously, look at Marcus when he comes back out. He knows it. You can tell by the Astro look on his face.
Coming back, the audience is chanting their names when Steve goes to L.A. first to ask who he's sending home. L.A. makes like it's a tough decision when we all know he's going to vote to keep Marcus. "I was completely prepared for you to be slaughtered by this guy," he lies to Rachel. But he says that as a "man of principle," he's sticking with his guy and voting to send home Rachel. But wouldn't the principled thing be to keep the better singer? Simon doesn't even have anything to say other than to tell Marcus he'll miss him, and that he's going home. Steve tallies up the scores as 1-1, getting the math right for once. Paula says they both did amazing, but Rachel blew her away, so she's sending home Marcus. That's two to one, so now it's all over but the manly, suppressed crying. But wait, what's this? Nicole is acting like she's in her own Sophie's Choice over this allegedly agonizing decision. Rachel grabs Steve's mic and tells her not to cry, it's okay. Marcus has to be thinking, "Damn, why didn't I think to say that?" Still, Nicole is acting like a giant drama queen, making it all about her as she refuses to decide. She would rather go to Deadlock. Oh, do your fucking job, you dingbat. Steve pins her down: is she voting to send Rachel home? Nicole reluctantly does so. The stage goes red for the big "DEADLOCK" graphic as Steve says that it comes down to votes now. He's handed a card from off-camera, and slowly announces that the one going home after getting the lowest number of votes is...Rachel Crow. OOPS.
As Steve congratulates Marcus for making it to the semi finals, Rachel first looks stunned, then drops to her knees and commences sobbing like the tween she is and always has been. Steve and Marcus both bend down with concern, but Steve remembers what's really important at a moment like this: dismissing Marcus from the stage before crouching back down to Rachel, where he stays even after Simon comes and picks her up.
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She keeps howling even as L.A. and her mom come up to join her. Okay, this isn't fun. Paula, meanwhile, is still at the judges' table comforting Nicole, who looks like she's just done that thing where you flip a coin to make a decision and you realize too late how you wanted it to land. Rachel has this whole desperate exchange with her mother that's probably too raw to be broadcast, even though it is, so I'll be damned if I'm recapping it. I'm a man of principle, after all.
Steve takes pity on her and cues the Rachel-montage. After that, Paula and Nicole finally make it up to the stage, just when Rachel was starting to pull herself together. Steve cuts her from the herd to ask about her highlight on The X Factor "so far." Nice. Rachel says she loves everyone and promises to go farther. Steve then hands the mic to Simon, who's taking this better than he did with Drew last week. He also thanks everyone who voted for Rachel and also vows we'll be hearing more from Rachel.
Steve offers the mic to Nicole, who is roundly booed and declines to speak. "Nope," Steve shrugs, and name-checks Rachel one last time while she cries some more in Melanie's arms.
So the final four are Melanie Amaro, Josh Krajcik, Chris Rene and Marcus Canty, all of whom are two songs from the finals. Steve reminds us one more time, "One of them will win a five-million-dollar recording contract." Maybe even Marcus at this point. One thing's for sure: there are going to be a lot of defaced Shape magazines on the newsstands tomorrow. Now where's my Sharpie?
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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