Okay, Steve has to start tonight's show from the balcony? Is he now running on some power source that isn't allowed onstage? From up there, he announces the final eleven, and they get right into it, singing in front of a giant row of green flashing letters and numbers like they're a single line of Matrix code. And let's just say that it's a good thing they're competing as individual acts, because all of them together don't sound that great. I don't know the song they're singing, which honestly is just as well. [Note: "Save The World Tonight" by Swedish House Mafia -- RS.] "Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful," Steve lies as he takes their place onstage. "Sickeningly talented, the lot of you." I think I'm starting to like relaxed Steve. He gets a bit goofy. He reintroduces the judges and asks L.A. for his impression of last night. L.A. says it was good, but he wants to apologize to one person. "Say the name!" Steve snaps. L.A. says Melanie was really good, and L.A.'s harshness towards her last night was motivated by jealousy. "I'm actually that kind of guy," he assures a disappointed Steve.
Then Steve flashes back to last night's performances, which he says all had connections to famous movies (not counting You, Me and Dupree, of course). In the recap montage, there was a little fallout over Drew's self-designed dress, which Paula still blames Simon for, and Simon took credit with Lakoda Rayne backstage for their successful performance. We also learn that Astro is almost as tall as L.A., who pressed the inventiveness issue with Simon and Melanie after her performance. Now he's going to have to apologize again. After the flashback to Rachel's show-closing performance, Steve's back to run down the rules for tonight: the two acts who got the least votes last night will each have to perform, and one of them will get booted by the judges. Also, Jessie J and Willow Smith will be performing. Like we all tuned in to hear.
Coming back, Steve plugs some deal where people get to go online and vote on how a certain performance coming up in a couple of weeks should go, in terms of song, wardrobe, props, dance style, etc. Which is an amazing coincidence, because I've been thinking that what this show needs is to be more like Big Brother.
Then Steve introduces Willow Smith, and after an intro-reel that features clips from her video for "Whip My Hair," this little girl in a rubber jumpsuit with distinctly unwhippable hair comes out to perform her new song "Fireball," complete with dancers and flames projected on the screens. How old is Willow Smith? Probably not old enough for me to say anything other than...that happens.
And then, after the ads, we're still not done with the rando guest performances. There's a whole intro reel designed to make us Americans feel ignorant for not knowing who the hell Jessie J is, and then she comes out onstage and sings "Domino," a poppy song with a driving beat, while wearing blue bobbed wig and dressed like a Fruit-Striped version of Milla Jovovich in The Fifth Element. Thanks for coming to the U.S., Jessie J, but we already have more Katy Perrys than we need. After she's done and Steve comes out to chat with her, three of the judges give her a standing ovation while L.A. sits there sipping his Pepsi. As is often the case, I'm with L.A. (and not just in liking Pepsi). Steve asks her what advice she'd give the contestants, and she spouts some bromides about working hard and being true to yourself before telling Steve she's got a matching outfit waiting for him backstage. Steve politely offers to meet up later. YouTube or it didn't happen, Steve-O. Now he declares it's time to get serious, and start revealing results -- right after the break, of course.
Steve brings out the Top 11, who enters one category at a time with their mentors with the opera music blaring. Once they're all in position, Steve reminds us that he'll announce nine names, the remaining two will perform, and the judges will decide which of those two is out. Reminding us this is in no particular order, Steve reveals the first name: Stacy Francis. She's joined by some long pauses, Astro, Melanie Amaro, more pauses, Marcus Canty, another reminder that there's no particular order, LeRoy Bell, more pausing, Rachel Crow, Josh Kracjik (making it a sweep for Nicole's Over 30s), and Drew (ditto for Simon's Girls). That's eight, and there's only one slot left in the top nine, and Paula's looking very nervous, what with her two remaining groups having been shut out thus far. It's down to Lakoda Rayne, Stereo Hogzz, and Chris Rene (who's smiling confidently as he waits for the final name). Indeed, Chris is the last person automatically through to the top ten. Which means Paula's screwed again, with both of her remaining acts in the bottom two. As the stage clears except for Steve and the losers, Paula maintains that she's still proud and wouldn't have wanted any other category. Well, sure, after week she can take the rest of the season off.
Back from the break, the judges are back at their table, and Steve acts pained at having to ask Paula to introduce the first of her two groups for the second week in a row. Paula says she's proud of "these four beautiful women" and introduces...wait for it...Lakoda Rayne. They come out and sing a country version of "No Air" while Paula pastes on a smile and conducts them with her head to try to get them on beat. Seriously, Haley, if you can't listen to the vocal track, at least take a cue from the three blondes who keep shooting those Heather smiles at you. Not much Paula can do about the harmonies, though, which are pretty weak tonight. Well, the judges tried.
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Steve dismisses them from the stage, and Paula brings out the Stereo Hogzz. They come out in their latest unified sartorial theme with different variations, which in tonight's case seems to be waiter uniforms. Although these "save me" performances (as L.A. will be calling them later) are by necessity light on choreography, they stand in V formation and sing Michael Jackson's "You Are Not Alone." This one is pretty much on the shoulders of the lead singer, Trace, with the other guys serving as a glorified barbershop quartet, only not glorified. Shit, I'm starting to learn their names. Steve comes out and herds them stage right so Lakoda Rayne can come out and join them, and I guess now they all get to stand there awkwardly throughout the ensuing commercial break.
Coming back, the two groups are waiting for Steve to finish his spiel so they can hear from the judges. L.A. goes first, saying that both groups struggled, but Haley from Lakoda Rayne (the one brunette) pretty much blew the opening of their song, plus there's their whole identity crisis. L.A. thinks Stereo Hogzz was better tonight, but he hasn't always dug their song choices. Steve hurries L.A. along, and he finally says he's sending home the Stereo Hogzz. Which makes almost no sense, but whatever.
When it's Nicole's turn, she compliments Lakoda Rayne on their looks, then compliments the Hogzz on working so hard and all sorts of wonderful things, "But I have to go with my heart and I'm all about female empowerment," so she's voting to send home the Stereo Hogzz as well. Don't ask me to explain how a group whose hook is "four hot chicks" represents female empowerment, but then I wasn't ever in the Pussycat Dolls. I guess I underestimated the judges' commitment to their Frankengroups.
Steve lays it out for Paula, who is supposed to vote : if she votes against Stereo Hogzz, they're done. Paula dabs at her eyes, and emotionally chokes out a flat refusal to vote, even when Steve pushes her. Simon protectively tells Steve she's not going to vote (and Paula grasps his arm gratefully), which tells us Simon's going to make it moot anyway: Steve says this means Simon has the deciding vote (which Simon must hate), and then it seems like Steve gets a signal from his hidden earpiece that if Paula abstains, it's an automatic loss for Stereo Hogzz. So I guess even Simon can't overrule two other judges by himself.
After another pause, Paula stammers that she wants to save the Stereo Hogzz, but she's not going to make a big speech about it. "I'm not gonna do this. I want the Stereo Hogzz to have this chance." Steve rather pushily restates that Paula's sending home Lakoda Rayne, then turns to Simon (who's kind of glaring up at him) and hurries him into making a decision. Simon...gets rid of the Stereo Hogzz.
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So Lakoda Rayne's still in it, and Paula has to spend the week working with a group she voted to send home. Steve sends them off the stage looking unhappy and turns to the Hogzz, letting Trace speak graciously about how blessed they are to have had the opportunity. Montage of their arc on the show up to now (including Simon calling them the best band in the world last week, a mere eight days before they got beat by four people who've been in a group for approximately one calendar quarter), while the judges hug them goodbye in a picture-in-picture window.
Back from that, Steve gives Paula the microphone for a minute so she can talk about how lucky she was to have worked with such talented guys. Although she neglects to mention how much she's looking forward to her last week with Lakoda Rayne. While one of the Hogzz insistently holds up his mini-boombox necklace behind him, Steve gives his wrap-up speech while and sighs, "It's been a hell of a night." He looks way too emotionally drained to put on that Fruit-Striped Leeloo costume now.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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