Seriously, The X Factor? Two and a half hours? Seriously? That's longer than the damn network's clearance window. That's it, I'm out. I quit. Goodbye.
Okay, fine, let's do this thing. The opening is now so different that it looks like the premiere of a new season, with the bombastic opera-howlers gone and a different voice-over guy and black-and-white photos of the people still in it at various points of the competition. As usual, we're just now learning how this stage is going to work: there are 17 acts left, and the judges will pick five to send home. Once again, we get the rundown of the judges, categories, and remaining singers: L.A. Reid with the Boys (Marcus Canty, Phillip Lomax, "Astro," and Chris Rene), Simon Cowell with the Girls (Simone Battle, "Drew," Tiah Tolliver, Rachel Crow, and Melanie Amaro), Paula Abdul with the Groups (Lakoda Rayne, InTENsity, The Stereo Hogzz, and The Brewer Boys) and Nicole Scherzinger with the Over 30s (Dexter Haygood, Josh Krajcik, LeRoy Bell, and Stacy Francis). I'd tell you more, but the editing of all this has given me epilepsy and I need to get some meds.
Okay, I'm back. New VO guy welcomes us to the live show (did I mention it's live?) and announces Steve Jones, who appears in front of the screaming audience on the crazily-lit stage in a black suit like he's hosting the Oscars, only he's more excited than if that were the case. He re-explains that there will be 17 acts performing tonight, but there will be only twelve left at the end, as each judge selects three acts to come back week. So one act from each of three categories are done, whereas Simon will have to cut two. Oh, here are the opera-howlers, as Steve introduces the judges, all dressed up -- even Simon, who's got that trademark shirt-unbuttoned-so-the-sides are-parallel-to-the-lapels-of-his-suit-jacket look going on. They walk off the stage and down to the same old judges' table that they've been using all along while Steve reminds us that the winner will get a recording contract and a Pepsi commercial. After some brief banter, Steve tells us the Boys are coming first. They'll all sing, and L.A. will decide which of them to send home tonight. Steve asks L.A. who's going first, and L.A. announces, "Steve? This is Astro."
Cue the Astro-reel. You may know Astro as Brian Bradley, the "Stop Looking at My Moms" kid who's also known as The Astronomical Kid. So I guess he's decided he's got a better chance at winning and earning a five-million-dollar contract and a multi-decade career by naming himself after the Jetsons' dog. So Astro hits the stage, and it's immediately obvious that they're sparing no expense on the production. The stage is lit up in a way that would have made my old TV buzz madly, and there's an all-girl dance crew up there with him as he performs "Jump" by Kriss Kross, but with a lot of the lyrics changed to fit his name, the show, his hometown, etc. He does really well, too, aside from getting a little winded towards the end. After he's done, the audience screams its approval. The judges are also giving feedback, with close-ups of their faces projected on Jumbotrons flanking the stage, which must be terrifying for the live audience. They hold it together, though. Nicole and Paula gush about how awesome Astro is and make lame cracks aimed at L.A., and Simon adds that L.A. is "lit'rally" insane if Astro doesn't go through to the round. There's also a lot of talk about what a great way this was to kick off the live shows. Steve gets back onstage with Astro, who briefly stalls the proceedings by showing off his outfit, and then L.A. says Chris Rene is .
The Chris-reel updates us on how long he's been clean and sober (six months now, and I hope there's a constantly updated calendar as the competition goes on), and L.A. talks about how important pain is in a performance. I think he means for the performer, not the audience. Anyway, Chris does a rather loosey-goosey hip-hop version of "Love Don't Live Here Any More." Nicole liked the performance, but is uncertain about the song choice, wondering if it was a bad decision of L.A.'s. Paula babbles about authenticity in a way that reminds us why she's a lot more coherent when she's prerecorded, and Simon says that if Chris isn't the best singer (which he isn't), he's one of the best recording artists (whatever that means), and wants to see him week. L.A. gets a little defensive about unpredictable song choices, and Steve throws it to break, saying there'll be two more Boys singing and then L.A. will boot one of them. Well, this is just tearing right along.
Post-break, Phillip Lomax is . After the Phillip-Reel showing him with his porkpie hat, without his porkpie hat, and ultimately a bowler (classy!) he's singing "I'm a Believer" in a three-piece suit, surrounded by dancers dressed as sexy bellhops. I don't know, dude. There's confetti and everything. This show kind of needs to pace itself, or there's going to be nowhere left to go for the finale but car crashes and gunfights on the stage. Nicole and Paula both love him, but Simon, although he really likes Phillip, says L.A. put a race car driver onto a tractor with that song. Boos all around, as Phillip says, "Thank you for the constructive criticism." Good line. L.A. says he's proud of Phillip, and "you're just fine." Steve comes back with an attempt to trump up the Cowell/Reid rivalry, and there are more ads before the last Boy sings.
Coming back, Steve asks L.A., "Who's the final boy?" as if there are a lot of choices. Of course it's Marcus Canty, whose hook is that it's his last chance to make it in a music career, which I'm sure makes the Over 30s love him. Anyway, he does a decent impression of Usher singing "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me" by Culture Club, with the dancers back again. Nicole says he makes it look too easy, and Paula talks about how he owns the stage, and Simon recalls the whole two-year window thing and gives Marcus props for giving it all he's got, adding that it was a great song choice by L.A. and he really doesn't envy the choice L.A.'s going to have to make. As for L.A. himself, he says Marcus made him proud.
Steve comes back out to dismiss Marcus from the stage, and tells L.A. it's time to decide. Of course L.A. says it's not easy, and Steve calls the four boys back out onto the stage, who enter dramatically from the rear and fan out like this is the first time we've seen them tonight. To stretch this out as long as possible, Steve asks L.A. which person he's putting through first, second, and third rather than who he's cutting. Astro and Marcus are the first two choices, leaving Chris and Phillip up there with Steve, waiting to find out which of them is going on. And the third and final slot goes to Chris, while Phillip shows off his best Oscar-loser smile and says he's happy to have been there in the first place. He thanks L.A. for the opportunity and says he hopes to be performing in the future, and Steve tells us that the other three will be back week to sing for our votes. Okay, I think that's the first we've heard of voting this whole season, and this far in advance, it's practically a spoiler.
Back from the ads, Steve talks about all the tweeting that's going on, complete with a screen on the stage counting all the #Xfactor tweets. There are more than 1.5 million so far and counting, less than a third of which are mine. So then it's time for the Groups, and Paula introduces the Stereo Hogzz. The Hogzz-reel talks about their humble beginnings (actually the week), but puts their individual names up on the screen (KG, Jon, Trae, Just'n and Trace), and they talk about the need to impress Paula. Like that's hard. They sing "Try a Little Tenderness" with lots of choreography, rapping, lighting tricks, tempo changes, electronica and basically everything save actual tenderness. L.A can't think of anything to criticize, and Nicole says it was both current and classic, giving props to Paula. "Team Paula," the Hogzz chant on cue. Simon puts on big a show of struggling to say that Paula did a really good job. Steve comes out and goes to break with the news that the Brewer Boys are . Sacrificial lambs, those two.
Back from the break, Steve notifies us that we'll be voting later in the competition, and will be able to do so via Twitter. What a coincidence; I was just thinking today how long it's been since I last saw the Fail-Whale. So the Brewer Boys are coming up, and the Brewer-reel shows us that Paula's been trying to get them to engage more with the audience, and also that they've gotten such half-assed haircuts they probably shouldn't have bothered at all. Paula can't stay away from the mash-ups, so they're doing one of "Rich Girl" and "Faith," playing a mandolin and a guitar while sitting on crates like they're busking at the bus station, surrounded by dancers and going shamelessly Mumford & Sons at the end. When they're done, L.A. says it seemed a little out of Paula's comfort zone, but it was good. Nicole says they'd be all over their walls if she were a teenager, and Simon brings everyone down by saying it's a five-million-dollar contract, and also that the choreography was "throwaway," which isn't entirely fair given that the boys were the only ones on stage not actually dancing. But Paula says they've come a long way and she's proud of them. They even thank her in harmony.
I'm getting a little discomfited by Paula's insistence on looking into the camera as she introduces each group. InTENsity is up , the first of the two Frankengroups that the judges threw together and aren't about to get rid of any time soon. But Paula's making it tough, staging them on monkey bars like it's a production of Bye Bye Birdie and making them sing a chopped-up version of "Footloose" and something else [Note: "The Clapping Song" -- RS.]. Eventually they get to climb down and work the stage some more, but there's no getting around the fact that ten teenagers singing on a stage are never going to look like anything beyond a bunch of Mousketeers. L.A. gives them credit for doing so well, Nicole calls them her "pumpkin patch" (although she says nothing about their sincerity), and even Simon calls them a "music miracle," and "the new young Glee." Paula thanks them for their hard work, and now Steve has to herd the entire pack off the stage. Fortunately they're fairly docile even in such a large group.
The second Frankengroup is up, and the Lakoda-reel reveals that Lakoda Rayne had a pretty rough rehearsal. Their performance of "Come on Eileen" starts out slow with them on stools, but it soon picks up into a cheesy country version with a Southwestern road projected on the backdrop. Pretty rough overall, and there's not much you can do with that song in the truncated window they get to perform in. But L.A. and Nicole think they did great. Simon's also impressed, and is annoyed to have to say Paula did a really good job with all the groups. Paula gives him a kiss and gets emotional as she talks about how they made her proud, "because you, out of all the groups, have a lot to prove tonight." Would have been good to prove it, then. Off they go, and Steve says it's time to send one of the groups home.
Paula says she's worked with 22 of the 33 people still in the competition (and I'll trust her on the math), but she has to do what she has to do. "How are you going to do it?" Steve asks. "I don't know, Steve, stop asking me," she deadpans. Steve scampers way over to stage right to make room for the throng of contestants that now flood forth. Again, Paula is naming the people who go to the round: Stereo Hogzz and Lakoda Rayne are the first to go through, leaving the Brewer Boys and InTENsity on the stage. Paula tells them they're going to go on and have careers, which she wouldn't say to ten randoms who just met, so it's even less of a shock than it already would have been to learn that InTENsity is in and the Brewer Boys are out. They take it pretty well, although the younger one's apology to Paula for not living up to her expectations sends her off on a supportive filibuster that Steve has to cut off. It's live, after all.
Over 30s , and Nicole stumbles a little bit at being given the floor on a live show before introducing the homeless walking pastiche Dexter Haygood. He comes out dressed like Prince and Steven Tyler on the cover of the Sgt. Pepper's album and does a mash-up of "Womanizer" and "I Kissed a Girl." Okay, it's just mean of her to make him try to learn all the words in that first song. As for the second, I have to admit a certain irrational fondness for it, because it makes me nostalgic for the time when Katy Perry was just going to be a one-hit wonder. He's wisely leaving the choreography to the dancers rather than throwing the Jagger-James Brown moves he usually does. Afterward, L.A. says Dexter seems to have found himself, and tweaks Nicole for the song choice. Paula wonders why Dexter didn't change the words, and even does a snippet of a surprisingly accurate Dexter-voice. Simon calls the combination of Dexter, Britney, Katy Perry and Nicole "the weirdest milkshake in the world." Nicole expresses her pride and relief that Dexter remembered the lyrics, and coins the term "Dex Factor." She's got to use that before she boots him tonight, after all.
LeRoy Bell is up , and the Le-reel shows him for the first time without his hat. Just a normal, under there, covered with a lot more jet-black hair than I'm going to have at sixty. He's even singing bareheaded, with a production that's fairly stripped down for this episode, limited to just the crazy lights and the Jumbotron as he performs Pink's "Nobody Knows." It's lovely as always, if not the in-your-face stuff that tonight seems to call for. L.A. agrees that it wasn't a great song for him, but Paula compares his voice to that of Michael Bolton. I think she means it as a compliment. Simon also thinks LeRoy's got one of the best voices in the competition, but calls him on a lack of confidence and "awkwardness," and thinks he'd do a better job mentoring him than Nicole did. Nicole retorts that she wanted the world to see LeRoy's eyes (LeRoy nods from behind his chunky glasses), and Steve reminds LeRoy that his fate tonight is up to Nicole, not Simon. I think LeRoy knows that.
Stacy Francis's turn. "I'm fighting for my life," she says in the Stacy-reel with her typical equanimity. Her song tonight is "One More Try" by George Michael, which she does with a whole lot more restraint than we've seen from her before. L.A. tells Nicole she got it right this time, and adds to Stacy that what he's most proud of is, "You're not crying, so don't start." Amazingly, she doesn't. Paula says she looks like a star and told a great story. As for Simon, he doesn't like her big feathered bomber jacket or the song Nicole picked, saying it wasn't a good selection for a "church singer" like Stacy. Nicole shuts Simon down, insisting it all gave Stacy wings, whatever that means. Stacy wants to talk more with Simon about his assessment of her as a church singer when she wants to be a pop singer, but Steve comes onstage and tells them to save it for the break. Because that conversation might have been interesting, but that won't work on a live show, will it?
Time for Josh Krajcik, and the Josh-reel shows him at the actual burrito restaurant, where we get the shocking revelation that it is not Chipotle. He's a little humbler in the mini-interview than we've seen him before, but not much cleaner. His song is Bob Dylan's "Forever Young," and there's hardly any backing music, and the only dancing going on is a ballet couple way in the back in a separate spotlight. And that's it for Josh. L.A. says Josh has one of his favorite voices in the competition, and Paula one-ups that by saying it's her favorite of the past decade. Wow. Simon calls him "the artist I fear," and calls it the best performance yet. Nicole demands her props from the other judges, and says Josh threw out everything they talked about and did his thing, and she's proud of him for that. So no wonder she wants credit for being ignored.
Now it's time for Nicole to make her decision. Steve asks her if she has a plan or if she's going to wing it, and she says she'll wing it. As a side note, Steve asks her how annoying Simon is tonight, but doesn't spend a lot of time on it before bringing the Over 30s back out. Nicole's first two picks are Stacy Francis and Josh Krajcik, so no shock there. Now it's between the homeless dude and the 60-year-old. Steve rushes her as much as he can, and she finally gives the third slot to LeRoy Bell. Dexter admits to being confused, and whatever Nicole was going to say to Dexter is cut off by Steve as he tells the other Over 30s to hug Dexter. Well, at least one hug from Josh will prepare Dexter to return to his life. Kind of like a reverse delousing.
One category to go. Steve reminds us how Simon screwed up and ended up with five Girls on tonight's show, so he has to send two home tonight. Simon, over an impromptu subtitle alerting us to the existence of the Twitter hashtag #SimonvsLA (why promote Simon's conflict with the judge he's fighting with the least, including himself?), boasts, "This is where the talent starts." Which is pretty rich considering he's introducing Simone Fucking Battle. And hers is easily the worst performance yet, as even Simon cuts his eyes around nervously while she monotones from inside a swarm of dancers and a Mad Max: Beyond Chuck E. Cheese outfit. After she's done, L.A. starts right in, telling Simon, "Everything was right except your choice of contestant." L.A. still doesn't get why Simone's still in this competition, and adds, "You must be really rich, because five million dollars clearly doesn't mean much to you." Ah, now I get why they posted that hashtag. Simon just smirks at him, probably because he's quietly agreeing. "I love you, it's him I'm worried about," L.A. tells Simone. Nicole circles around a bit, stalling by telling Simone, "Hi, sweetie," and mocking Simon about its level of predictability. Paula says she wanted fewer dancers so she could see Simone. And Simon surprises me be doubling down on her, insisting she's a pop star, until Simon and L.A. fall to bickering some more. Break! No, I mean commercial break, not Simon and L.A.
We come back after the local news should be starting, and I don't normally have to recap that. Instead, Rachel Crow's up . The Rachel-reel shows such real, honest moments as her walking down the sidewalk with her friends licking ice cream cones, and she appears to have been made over into some kind of 1920s organ grinder character I'm not fully comprehending. Anyway, it's a mashup for her as well, of "Where Did Our Love Go" and Justin Bieber's "Baby." She's stranded up on riser steps while tween dancers dominate the stage, like Simon's purposely sabotaging her. When she's done, an impressed L.A. says Rachel could have a music career, but would also make a great actress. Nicole takes the opportunity to have a go at her mentor for not showing off Rachel's range more, and Paula agrees, adding that Rachel could run for president if she wants. High praise indeed, these days. Simon calls the ladies "Squiddley and Diddley" and comes right back at them on the song choices. Simon says he was showing that Rachel's a retro and pop artist, and says he did it brilliantly. I would have to disagree on that last part.
is someone who Simon says has only one name now: Drew. And then the Drew-reel begins with her saying, "I'm Drew Ryniewicz." Oops. Oh, well, I was tired of typing that mess anyway. Drew's song tonight is "Flashdance (What a Feeling)," and she's good as always, but one finds oneself wondering if she's ever going to pick it up or if it's going to be her usual thing where she does pop songs all slow and sad all the way through. I'll just spare you the suspense and tell you it's the latter. L.A. gushes about her, a little too close to his microphone. Nicole says she would go to Drew's concert, and Paula adds that Drew is way beyond her years. As for Simon, he tells Drew that he wanted to be back on American TV to find someone like her. But he adds that he likes all his girls, "and I'm going to have a horrible, horrible decision to make." Why not get rid of the girls that no one else likes, then?
Simon dedicates the performance to "Cruella" and "De Vil," which is his way of saying that Tiah Tolliver's up. She squeaked through the first round all the way to tonight's live show. Simon has her singing a Vegas-revue version of Eurythmics' "Sweet Dreams," all dressed up as the deposed monarch of Rhythm Nation while extras from Showgirls writhe around her onstage. After it's over, L.A. compliments the production, adding, "I was looking for [if] the kid can sing." He does congratulate Tiah on being one of Simon's favorites. Nicole: "If that was a sweet dream, I'd hate to see what the scary ones are like." She says that Tiah and Simon are a good match for each other, which I think comes off meaner than she meant it to. Paula tells Tiah once again, and correctly, that she'll need to work on her pitch. Rather than offering any feedback, Simon uses his precious seconds of live television to throw a petulant hissyfit at Nicole and Paula for never liking Tiah. Well, Simon, there's a reason for that.
One left to go: Melanie Amaro, who Simon cut loose and then brought back into the competition after he realized his mistake. She's all glammed out as she effortlessly sings "I Have Nothing," with a production that's limited to fancy lighting. Great job from her again, big surprise. When she's done, and the crowd is going nuts, Steve has to tell Simon to quit encouraging the crowd to cheer for her so L.A. can speak. L.A. says Simon saved the best for last, and she nailed what was a predictable song choice. Nicole and Paula are both grateful that Melanie's still on the show. Simon just says she's great, "but I now have to make the hardest decision I've ever made." Has Simon not made many hard decisions in his life?
Steve sends her on his way and asks Simon what he's thinking. Simon says he wish he didn't have to do this; he's got four people he wants to go through and claims he hasn't made up his mind yet. Steve says he'd better hurry, and all five Girls are soon standing on the stage again. Steve asks for the name of the first person. Simon says this is the easiest decision he's ever made in his life, meaning he must have decision-bends or something right now, and names Drew. She screams in excitement. Simon says that his second choice is based on America and his gut (don't lump us together, dude), and he gives the second spot to Rachel. Only one spot left, and it's between Simone, Tiah, and Melanie. The audience has a clear choice, chanting Melanie's name. "This may come as a surprise," Simon says, and adds that after tonight, he believes the person he's about to name could win the competition: Melanie, of course. So that's Tiah and Simone out. Glad to see Simon finally pulled his head out of his other head. Tiah gives a gracious speech, thanking them for the opportunity and promising to use the criticism she's gotten, while Simone, classy to the end, plugs the music video she's releasing tonight. Off they go.
Steve brings out the rest of the finalists to join Drew, Rachel and Melanie, and tells us they'll sing live for our votes Wednesday (The X Factor is a moving target, y'all!) before making a hasty sign-off that mercifully does not include the words, "Jones out!"
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.