So last week there were seventeen performances and five eliminations in two and a half hours, and I complained. This week there will be twelve performances and one elimination, and they'll take three hours. Shut up, Last Week Me.
At the start of this, the first episode where the performers will be singing (and in one case rapping) for votes, an urgent question is raised almost immediately: what public-access show did they get this new voice-over guy from? Last week's personnel change was jarring enough, but at least I think that guy was the narrator of The Clone Wars. This dude sounds like they pulled him off the street and didn't even give him a cup of tea. We have to sit through him giving us the whole refresher, since it's been almost a whole week since we last saw this show. We're down to a dozen acts, with three in each category under each judge/mentor. L.A. Reid has the Boys (Marcus Canty, Astro, and Chris Rene), Simon Cowell has the Girls (Drew, Rachel Crow, and Melanie Amaro), Paula Abdul has the Groups, (Lakoda Rayne, InTENsity, and the Stereo Hogzz), and Nicole Scherzinger leads the Over 30s (Josh Krajcik, LeRoy Bell, and Stacy Francis). Simon: "Now it gets exciting." So what have we been doing the last month and a half?
Auditorium. Steve comes out onstage, greeted by the screaming audience, and he explains that the top 12 will be singing for our votes tonight, with the results revealed tomorrow, after which one act will be out of the competition. Only one out? How about five again instead? No? I'd settle for three? In any case, it's time for Steve to bring out the judges, talk about the importance of voting, and remind us of the five-million-dollar recording contract and even more exciting Pepsi commercial at stake. By now the judges are at the table, and I'm glad to see we're getting right to it, as Paula introduces the Stereo Hogzz while managing to only pause once to shove Simon sitting to her. In the intro reel, they make some effort to introduce the five members in a backlot alley. Apparently Jon is "Mr. Rico Suave," Just'n is "the fashion guy," I assume selling vowels to support his couture habit, KG is "Mr. Charisma," Trae Badd is "the Energizer Bunny," (or, as I call him, "the Spellcheck Torturer) and Trace is "the wise one." I still don't care which is which. We see them rehearsing choreography with Paula, and in an interview clip, Simon makes one of those dire statements how this is a make-or-break performance for them (unlike the other eleven tonight). Apparently Simon is the only judge who gets to comment on all the other acts before they go on.
Stereo Hogzz sing "Rhythm Nation" with lots of choreography, quasi-military uniforms, and a small army of masked and helmeted Rhythm Nationals crowding the stage with them. They're great, if not completely flawless, and they hold their ending poses long into the audience's loud ovation. L.A. tells them they have what it takes to be stars, but it's up to the public now. Nicole tells them she knows how hard it is to be in a singing and dancing group, I guess because she's read about it, and says they did a great job. Simon is annoyed at how happy Paula is, but tells them, "I don't think there's a band in the world that's as good as you." Wow, Simon, hyperbole much? That sounds more like something Paula would say. When it's Paula's turn, they chant her name for a bit and get the audience going, until they finally calm down enough for her to gush over them while Steve tries not to look too nervous about the live television time they're burning through. Especially given the giant mouthful of voting instructions he's got to spout before the break, which I'm not going into. That information is no good to you here. Voting will over two hours after the end of the show anyway, long before you read this. If you ever do. You're not even reading it now, are you?
Better cover my bases anyway. Apparently they're done shoving everyone from each category together, because Chris Rene is . In the intro-reel, he admits that he wasn't happy with his performance last week. Much like a lot of people. His challenge in rehearsals this week seems to be learning other people's songs, and also putting together outfits that don't make him look like a golfer who dressed in the dark.
Tonight, he's singing a hip-hop version of "Superstar" by the Carpenters, with a stage full of not only smoke but actual flames. Chris Rene is hott, y'all! After he's done, and the crowd goes nuts, Nicole speaks first, saying he sounds great and has grown a lot. Paula's also proud of him. Simon thought at first this was going to be a repeat of last week's disappointing performance, but Chris pulled it out. He just wonders why, in the staging, L.A. "literally put him in Hell." So British people can misuse that word too, I guess. At least he gets roundly booed for it. L.A. says they found the right material, and tells Simon that the staging was supposed to be about how Chris is hot. I got it, Simon. Steve joins Chris onstage with a lame crack about how he sounded heavenly, and Chris mugs tirelessly at the camera while Steve rattles off the voting numbers. Yes, vote for Chris so he keeps doing that.
LeRoy Bell is , and we learn a little about his family: two daughters in their thirties, six granddaughters, and a thirteen-year-old son. He shares a supportive e-mail he got from his granddaughter, and talks about how much he misses his son, who he apparently still plays basketball with even at 60 years of age. And yes, he still looks younger than I do. I just fear that at the end of his last episode of this show, LeRoy will abruptly age three decades before our very eyes like something out of an old Sam Raimi movie.
Nicole says she's picked a song to show more of LeRoy's emotion. Which, as it turns out, is a maudlin country song called "Already There" about -- get this -- a father missing his kids. Which he does great on, obviously, but if Nicole was expecting the song to make him come over all weepy onstage, she's disappointed. He's as calm and controlled as always, like the best soul singer ever produced by the planet Vulcan. Anyway, L.A. says he did well, even though he didn't like the song. Paula, who's seen him at rehearsal a lot, gives him credit for working hard and also for connecting with America. Simon says LeRoy's a great singer with a confidence issue, and agrees with L.A. with regard to the song choice, in addition to his criticism of having the piano player up onstage with him being dated. Well, now that he mentions it. Over the boos, Nicole argues that "less is more," and says LeRoy made everyone proud. Steve comes out and tweaks Simon a bit over his reading of LeRoy's confidence level, which LeRoy himself says is fine. These voting instructions are just sliding right past my head. Is that supposed to happen?
Coming back from the break, Simon gets to break the news that The X Factor will be back year. Oh, hot damn. He offers a begrudging thanks to the fellow judges, and rather more sincere thanks the contestants, the sponsors, and the fans. "And if I may, yes!" Steve dorks. He does have a pretty good thing going here. Steve briefly directs our attention to the #Xfactor tweet board, currently at over 2.7 million and rising, before throwing it back to Simon to introduce Rachel Crow. Her intro-reel reintroduces us to her mother Barbara, who never seems far away, and shows Simon coaching her on her tone.
Then she's onstage, once again sitting on a riser to sing "Walking on Sunshine" with the words changed for some mysterious, off-putting reason. Also off-putting are the high-contrast graphics flashing on the backdrop, not to mention the '80s sock-hop dancers on the stage. And I don't think they have the backing track quite sorted out, either. But other than that, it was good. L.A. compliments Rachel for being charismatic and lovable, Nicole calls her "America's sunshine" and compares her voice to that of a Jackson 5-era Michael Jackson. She didn't like the lyric changes any more than I did, though. Paula agrees that Rachel's great, and wants to see her do something that shows more of the range she displayed at Boot Camp with "If I Were a Boy." Simon calls the lyric change "inventive" (no), tells Nicole that "grown-ups are talking" when Nicole tries to respond (rude), and assures Paula that Rachel will be around for a long time. He's probably not wrong about that last part.
Time for Lakoda Rayne, the all-girl Frankengroup consisting of Cari, Dani, Hayley, and Paige, who didn't make it as soloists but got to the top 12 as a group, which had nothing to do with any level of investment by the judges who put them together. Paula explains that the concept of this performance is for each girl to portray a season, which makes it sound like it's going to be waaay too Grease 2 for my taste. Simon agrees with me in his interview clip that it's ridiculous, and L.A. says it's cornball. We're about to see (spoiler: it is).
Their song is "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac, and they're all in long gowns of different colors while images of different seasons are projected on the screens behind them. Which is less cornball than in Grease 2 but not by a whole lot. The sing begins with a shaky solo by Dani and some more shaky harmonies throughout. They get through it, though. L.A. tells them they look incredible, and they found their "blend," but he wants them to get off the fence already. Nicole likes everything about it, including the seasons look. Simon says they sound a lot better than they have, but calls the season's idea "literally insane." Paula blames his attitude on the one season in London, and then invites the girls to go get frozen yogurt afterward. I'm sure they're grateful for that spirited defense. Steve comes back and mixes it up with Simon a bit over the girls' look before voting-instructioning us to the break.
Josh's, turn, and Nicole introduces him as "even more than a burrito maker." Generous. We learn that he's got a long-term girlfriend going back eight years, who occasionally supported him during that time. Well, going by the veritable album of old photos propped up on the screen, he used to be a lot cleaner. The song Nicole has assigned him is "Jar of Hearts," which Simon has doubts about, saying in his pre-performance comments that Josh and the song don't go together. We'll see.
Josh sings ankle-deep in stage fog, doing effortlessly well as always, not having to push himself at all and really just marking time until the makeover episode. When he's done, L.A. may be alluding to that, saying he enjoyed Josh's "before" but really digs his "after." Josh still needs more after. Paula says he can sing anything, and Simon lies that he's going to make it quick before saying he takes it all back; it was like Josh wrote the song. Nicole barely pulls herself together in time to talk about hearing Josh's voice in her veins. Okay, that can't be healthy. Steve demands an immediate hug from Josh, suit and all, and then it's back to the voting instructions.
Simon announces, "No silly outfits, no silly seasons, it's Melanie Amaro." Like Simon hasn't put any of his girls in silly outfits before, for example LAST WEEK. Melanie tells us that getting eliminated and then brought back made her stronger, and Simon boasts how awesome he is for admitting and rectifying his mistakes. Well, yes, this one.
Simon tells us that he wants to get Melanie out of her Whitney/Beyonce/Celine diva-rut, which must be why Melanie is singing "Desperado," starting out quiet and almost a capella before busting out at the end with the diva-voice after all. Yes, it's fantastic. She did Don Henley proud. L.A. tells her the only thing Simon did right was bring her back, which even I'm not sure I agree with. Nicole says there's no limit to what Melanie's voice can do, and Paula compares her voice to the good china that you bring out for special occasions, whatever that means. Simon admits, "I didn't realize how good you are" and calls her "the one to beat." So no pressure.
Coming back, there's a long plug for something called the Extra Factor App, with Taryn Southern (you either know who that is or you don't, and I mostly don't) up in the control room showing it off on an iPad. I'm still not recapping commercials, okay? And it's still not over when we go back to the auditorium, as Simon makes Paula do a spit-take by lavishly complimenting all the new Verizon commercials that air during the show because he's in them.
Back to the contestants, and Astro the young rapper is up . L.A. tells us that Astro will only perform his own lyrics, and although the kid is still not terribly humble, he admits to being nervous about competing against singers in a singing competition. Which is a valid concern.
His stage design includes his name in big letters as he sings "Hip Hop Hooray," again with words of his own devising and again comparing himself to Jay-Z. There's a little Missy Elliot breakdown in the middle, cue the dancers and confetti, and then back to the first song, and he's out. Nicole compliments him on writing his own words, Paula enables his Jay-Z delusions, and Simon brings up L.A.'s assertion a few weeks ago that people Astro's age can't sell rap records. L.A.'s ready to take that back, and Simon calls Astro a "little star," which Astro doesn't visibly take offense to. L.A says Astro gets better every week, and then Steve's back doing the Steve thing.
Time now for the second Frankengroup, InTENsity. We're reminded how Ellona from the group was singled out as a great singer last week. Just not enough to come through as a soloist. Some of the kids have concerns about coming off Disney.
But not to worry: Paula has them singing "Kids in America," so she's on top of it. She puts Ellona out in front again at the beginning. And again with the onstage animations, with big cartoon stars flying out at your face like the title sequence of Wonder Woman is exploding. The performance ends in usual Mousketeer configuration, with red Mylar confetti all over the stage. L.A. and Nicole basically make a lot of plays on the word "fun," and Simon even apologizes to Paula because he thought that was terrific. He appreciates the group rebellion that's sort of going on, and says he likes them more than he should. Of course he does, he helped invent them.
One Girl left: it's Drew, who, like Rachel, also gets to have her mom on hand. Being under 16 has its advantages. Simon promises a "different side" to Drew, so I guess no slow, creepy, minor-key pop song again, right?
Well, okay, wrong, because we start by looking down on her as she lies onstage on a bed of flower petals while singing a slow, creepy, minor-key version of "Just a Dream." But eventually she stands up and the drum track kicks in and she actually starts moving around the stage a little bit. And without even getting lost. L.A tells her she has "the spirit of a superstar," complimenting her tone and smile and everything but, he takes care to point out, her mentor. Nicole gives Simon props for the song choice, and declares Drew "relevant." Paula says she lives for Drew's last note, which she means as a compliment in the sense that she loves the way she ends her songs, not that she stopped. Simon's even more complimentary, saying that Drew is his mentor now. Steve comes up to share her disbelief at the comments, and to remind us not to vote yet. Don't worry, Steve, I wasn't going to.
The last Boy of the night is Marcus Canty, who L.A. already thinks is a star, with a voice like Bobby Brown's. In fact, L.A is giving Marcus a song he wrote for Bobby Brown. Marcus admits that the singing and dancing at the same time is challenging, what with the difficulty of not running out of breath. And in his pre-performance interview, Simon makes an excellent point: "Why do we need another Bobby Brown? Isn't one enough?" Maybe even a surplus.
Marcus is singing "Every Little Step," dancing with girls in letter jackets. From what we're seeing, it looks like he's backing off a little on the dancing compared to what we saw of his rehearsals in the intro reel. Just as well, probably. The song ends with a shower of sparks and even more dancers. Afterward, Nicole says she felt like she was watching a concert instead of a competition. Short concert, dude. She also compliments L.A. on the song. "I do remember those days," Paula lies, and calls Marcus the total package. Simon banters with L.A. some more before complimenting Marcus on coming alive. L.A. echoes that. I'm just distracted by the suit lapels on Marcus's letter jacket. Dressy, yet casual, yet kind of ridiculous. Before going to break, Steve has to reel a runaway Marcus back in. I don't blame Marcus; those long voting instructions are a lot to stand still through. I didn't stand through that much talking at my wedding.
Coming back, Steve promises to open the voting lines soon before giving us another look at the Twitter wall, now at 2.8 million. I guess they're counting all of the tweets ever, not just the ones that have been posted since this episode started. Either that or things really slowed down during the second hour.
Anyway, there's one singer left tonight, and it's Stacy Francis. We're reminded of last week's mini-controversy, when Simon called her a church singer. Stacy interviews that she was a little offended by that. "What she doesn't understand is that church singers sell records," Simon argues to us. So, I guess to prove Simon right, Nicole picked a gospel song for her.
Stacy appears in a sparkly dress in front of what looks like a field of candles (just more onstage graphics, because the L.A. fire marshal is probably already having a conniption over Chris Rene's performance) and enough stage-fog to spill off and cover Nicole up to her shoulders. Stacy does that thing where she holds back at the beginning and then cuts loose in the middle before blowing the roof off at the end, and this time, Simon's the first to applaud. After the lights are reset with that dramatic "whoosh," Paula starts to say something, only to be interrupted by L.A. who compliments Stacy on holding it together and having "stirred our souls." Paula agrees that Stacy was "the shining moment" and gushes about her voice. Simon lies that he doesn't want to take credit, and then demands a kiss from Stacy, which of course he gets. Simon says he loves being able to help the mentors (which they object to) and the contestants. Nicole insists on making it not about Simon but about Stacy, and compliments her on being honest in her performance. "You're fulfilling your purpose," she says. Stacy doesn't cry, but it looked for a minute there like she was coming close.
So now with all the acts finished, Steve says it's decision time. There's a montage of short clips of each performer with their voting numbers on the screen, in a way that looks somehow familiar, and then all of the acts are on the stage with Steve, who announces that voting is open. He also reminds us that the voting numbers all start with 855, not 800 or 866. Caught me just in time. Results tomorrow, when it'll take an hour to get rid of one act. Can't wait.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.