The show opens with a clip package for all of you who missed RAW on Monday. Vince McMahon returned to give a "State of the WWF" speech. Vince met with each of the wrestlers involved in Sunday's "Six Man Hell in The Cell" match and encouraged them all to tell Mick Foley that they don't want to be in the match. Kurt Angle tried to get Rikishi and Triple H to team up with him for the purposes of the match. Mick Foley refused to cancel the match. Stone Cold came out to the ring and give Vince the Stunner. The Rock came out and gave Vince the Rock Bottom. The Undertaker came out and gave Vince the Last Ride. Vince was left a broken man in the ring. Damn. All of Vince's billions and the man still has to take those bumps? Backstage, Triple H, Rikishi, and Kurt Angle ambushed Stone Cold, The Rock, and The Undertaker.
Triple H, Rikishi, Kurt Angle, and Stephanie pull up in a limo. Mick Foley tells them that they each have a one-day suspension, and they get back in their limo and leave. Not so fast, Kurt. Mick tells him that he has to stay and defend his title against The Rock, The Undertaker, and Stone Cold -- all at once. Yes, it's a Fatal Four Way. Tonight.
Chyna comes out with her rocket launcher, or whatever that thing is supposed to be. Billy Gunn, the new Intercontinental Champion, joins her. They will be taking on Val Venis and Ivory in an intergender tag match. We see a flashback of these four mixing it up on RAW, where Val Venis clotheslined Chyna over the announce table. Chris Benoit comes out to distract Billy Gunn. Ivory takes advantage of the interruption to brain Chyna with the title belt. Val Venis pins Chyna. Outside the ring, Benoit slaps the Crippler Crossface on Billy Gunn. Why Benoit? Oh yeah, he's going to take on Gunn at the Pay-Per-View. Otherwise, that made no sense.
Dean Malenko is going on a date with Lita. He beat her in a match on RAW and this is what she gets for losing. Dean looks like the poor man's Billy Joel. ["Wow, that's sad for both Dean and Billy Joel." -- Wing Chun] Dean goes to pick her up, and the Hardy Boyz are there. They try to talk, which they really shouldn't do. It's sad. I want the Hardyz to be over so badly, but every time they talk it just makes me sad. Anyway, they warn Dean not to lay a hand on Lita, and the couple leaves for their date. Lita has a pretty dress on, marred only by the giant tattoo that takes up her entire shoulder. Classy.
Back from commercial, the announcers discuss the upcoming Pay-Per-View. We get to see a promo that The Rock cut on RAW, where he imitated all of his competitors in the Hell in the Cell match. Okay, I thought it was funny. The Rock is funny when he doesn't rely on his overplayed catchphrases too much. After the promo, Stone Cold comes down to the ring. Stone Cold trash-talks all of his competitors, predictably, and vows to "suffer and bleed and suffer and bleed some more," in order to win the WWF title. Kurt Angle comes out to the top of the ramp and starts talking. Stone Cold chucks a beer at him. No, he really did. Kurt starts talking again. Stone Cold chucks another beer at him. Kurt talks. Stone Cold chucks a beer. Talking. Beer-chucking. Talking. Beer-chucking. The crowd goes wild. Kurt tries one last time and Stone Cold throws another beer. Kurt finally leaves, and Stone Cold chases him up the ramp, throwing beers all the way.
Edge and Christian are complaining about having to face Road Dogg and K-Kwik again. Up pops...Ashton Kutcher, here to promote his movie Dude, Where's My Car? I know it's already been used on Hissyfit, but upon hearing that one, my boyfriend said it should be called Dude, Where's My Career? Anyway, Edge and Christian misunderstand and think Ashton really lost his car. Tazz comes out and offers to help Ashton find his car. I know it's dumb, but Ashton Kutcher is pretty.
Molly Holly comes out to the ring. We see that Susan Sarandon is ringside. I never thought I would see Susan Sarandon on the WWF. Molly will be taking on Trish Stratus to determine who is the number one contender for the Women's Belt. Both women pull off some decent wrestling moves once again. Trish, in particular, has learned some new moves. Test and Albert come out and stand ringside, and start arguing with the ref. Crash Holly comes out and bashes Test and Albert both with a garbage can lid. Test and Albert pound on Crash while Trish takes the lid and bashes Molly. Trish gets disqualified, and the announcers wonder who the number-one contender is now.
A limo pulls up in the parking garage. Patterson assists Vince McMahon into a motorized wheelchair. See, because he got beat up on RAW. Vince looks so funny in his wheelchair! He is cracking me up.
Crash is throwing a fit to Mick Foley and Debra, because Crash thinks that Molly should be the number-one contender. Debra proposes that Molly, Trish, and Ivory should compete in a Triple Threat match at the Pay-Per-View. Mick makes contractually obligated remarks about how sexy Debra is. Debra continues to look like a corpse to me. I don't get it. Push-up bra does not equal sexy.
William Regal and Kane are teaming up to take on Hardcore Holly and Chris Jericho. Hardcore gets the Sleeper Hold on Regal, who taps out immediately. Lawler blames the metal plate in Holly's arm for the quick tap-out. Meanwhile, Jericho and Kane continue to battle outside the ring, even though the match is over. Those two will meet up in a Last Man Standing match at the Pay-Per-View, we are reminded.
Dean and Lita are at a steakhouse on their date. Lita is a really bad actress. Dean looks like Fred Flintstone. Dean keeps staring at Lita's breasts.
Vince motors down the hallway. He has the most serious look on his face, and he's carrying a walking stick.
Vince motors down the ramp to the ring. I wonder if they set up a ramp to the ring, or how that is going to work. Patterson and Brisco accompany Vince. Oh, Vince actually gets out of the wheelchair and climbs into the ring. Damn. I wanted him to try to roll into the ring and get stuck or something and then have Brisco and Patterson fall all over each other trying to help him. But I like the slapstick. Vince starts talking about what a shame it is that those wrestlers pummeled him on Monday, and how he deserves respect from the wrestlers and the crowd. Vince blames this lack of respect on Mick Foley for "not only allowing it, but encouraging it." Foley's music hits and he walks down to the stage. I have to say, the director of the WWF programming does a good job with the camera shots -- there's a nice one with Vince in the ring in the foreground, and you can see Mick walking down the ramp in the background. I don't expect that sort of thing from the WWF. Once Mick gets into the ring, Vince calls him a "fat-ass," and threatens to beat him up. Mick chuckles and says he has vowed to never return to the ring, but if he made an exception, it would be for Vince. Foley then introduces Linda McMahon, who walks down to the ring. She babbles about nothing. Mick says an interactive sentence that displays his sway over the crowd, including an "Asshole" chant just at the right point. Mick says that Vince sees the wrestlers as commodities and investments, whereas Mick sees them as human beings, and he knows that there will be injuries. Mick vows that if anyone gets seriously injured in that Hell in the Cell match, he will resign as commissioner. NO! I don't want that to happen at all! Foley threatens Vince and leaves. Vince addresses his wife, saying that he can't believe she is supporting Mick Foley over her husband. Vince looks really old, hobbling around with that cane. Vince says he's not going to take anymore, and he's not going to give anymore. He continues, "From this moment, the hell with WWF fans. From this moment on, the hell with my family and as far as my marriage is concerned -- I want a divorce." Linda looks stunned and leaves, crying. Vince continues to throw a fit, and the announcers speculate that he's having a breakdown.
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After the commercial, we see that during the break, Linda walked to her limo crying, and left.
Edge and Christian come out and do a little rap insulting the crowd and the local sports teams, in this case the Rangers and the Knicks. That paves the way for K-Kwik and Road Dogg. Ugh. Enough. I can't find new ways every week to say how much I hate their team. I like K-Kwik. Road Dogg is a hack. The match ends when K-Kwik does a flying spinning heel kick to Edge's face. They hold hands while they walk back up the ramp. I'm all for men feeling free to touch one another and all, but that was kind of weird.
Now it's time to hear The Undertaker's thoughts on the Hell in The Cell match. You know, because he's been in them before. Blah blah blah pain blah blah blah career on the line blah blah blah bad-asscakes.
On RAW, the Dudley Boyz came out in white shirts and ties. Are they the newest members of RTC? I'm sure we're about to find out. Steven Richards gives a speech and gets booed. Ivory introduces the Dudley Boyz as the newest members of RTC. The Dudleyz come down to the ring and greet their fellow RTC members. D-Von testifies about how the RTC has shown them the path. Buh Buh Ray takes the mike and says that they "now realize that violence is wrong, scantily clad women are wrong, and what about the tables?" The crowd roars. Buh Buh Ray concludes, "If putting people through tables is wrong...then I don't want to be right!" It was all a ruse! The Dudleyz start cleaning house, and end up putting Steven Richards through a table.
Back at Dean and Lita's date, Lita is chowing down on about a million dishes of food. Apparently, she ordered everything on the menu. Dean tells her that she'll need her energy for later, and that she shouldn't deny her feelings for him. Lita starts talking with food in her mouth, and tells Dean that she wants him now.
Tazz is still talking to Ashton Kutcher backstage. Ashton is getting frustrated by everyone thinking he really lost his car. The Kat comes running up and asks for a private screening of his movie. Ashton shrugs prettily and they take off.
After we are reminded that Vince wants a divorce, we get an interview with Mick Foley. In it, Foley takes responsibility for the collapse of the McMahon's marriage. He seems depressed about it. As he walks off, he looks very, very wide. Just because he's not wrestling anymore doesn't mean he can let himself go to seed! I worry about his health.
Dean and Lita are in a hotel room. Dean tests out the beds until Lita comes out in a robe with bra and panties. Lita points out Dean's wedding ring and asks what his wife thinks about all this. Lita is trying to be sexy but she took a wrong turn at squirmy and ended up in scary. Dean turns out the lights to set the mood, but Lita wants them on. When the lights come on, we see Matt Hardy standing right by the bed, and he smashes a champagne bottle on Dean's head. The Hardy Boyz beat on Dean, and then Lita takes off with them.
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It's time now for the Fatal Four Way match promised earlier. The Rock, The Undertaker, and Stone Cold all make their way to the ring. Kurt Angle comes to the top of the ramp and looks genuinely frightened at facing these three men in the ring. He walks down the ramp, and when his fireworks go off, he flinches and looks around. Ha! Angle does a good job of conveying trepidation. Did I mention that the first guy to pin Angle wins the WWF title? The three good guys each try to pin Angle, and one of the other ones breaks it up each time. First, The Rock and Stone Cold toss 'Taker out of the ring. Then, Rocky and Stone Cold exchange blows. 'Taker comes back into the ring and knocks Stone Cold out of the ring. Just as 'Taker sets up The Rock for the Last Ride, Angle hits them both from behind. Similar types of mayhem ensure, with one of the men nearly getting a pin and then one of the others breaking it up. The crowd starts freaking out because Triple H and Rikishi show up, having walked down an aisle or something. The two of them manage to take out The Undertaker, Stone Cold, and The Rock. Then 'Taker comes back and threatens to chokeslam Rikishi, but Triple H rescues him. Just as this evil alliance celebrates, Angle takes his belt to Rikishi's head. Triple H hits Angle with a chair. So, the point is that it's every man for himself on Sunday. I can't wait.
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