“ It sounds super cheesy, but for the WWF, it was actually pretty high in terms of production values. ”
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The Pay Per View opens with a pseudo-music video set to "The End" by The Doors. It features a lot of end-of-the-world-style imagery (bombs falling, nuclear blasts, buildings being destroyed) interspersed with shots of the wrestlers participating in tonight's Hell in the Cell match (Undertaker, Triple H, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Kurt Angle, and Rikishi). Get it? Because the name of the PPV is "Armageddon"? The video ends with Morrison wailing, "The end is nee-ar!" over a red-tinted shot of human skeletons scattered on the ground. It sounds super cheesy, but for the WWF, it was actually pretty high in terms of production values.
And then "Sweet Home Alabama" hits as we pan around the sold-out arena in Birmingham, Alabama. Ah, the WWF -- masters of subtlety. The cameras focus in on the ring, above which is suspended the cell for tonight's big match. It does look pretty foreboding. Our announcers tonight, as usual for a Pay Per View, are Jerry "The King" Lawler and Jim "JR" Ross. We flash back to earlier this evening on Sunday Night Heat, where Mick Foley promised to resign if anyone is seriously injured in tonight's Hell in the Cell match. A limo pulls up, and Brisco and Patterson assist Vince McMahon out. Brisco tells Vince that the cell is suspended over the ring, and Vince says, "Not for long!"
The Hardy Boyz music hits. Jeff and Matt, accompanied by Lita, make their way to the ring, where they will be taking on the Radicalz. Seriously, I know I've said this before, but enough with the "z-as-plural" thing. What is this, 1993? I don't think it was even cool then. The setup for this match is that Dean Malenko beat Lita on RAW, entitling him to take her out on a date on Smackdown! On the date, Lita pretended to be into Dean, but she was actually setting him up to get a beating from the Hardy Boyz. So, this match is some sort of payback for Malenko. It's an elimination match, meaning that as each wrestler is pinned, he or she leaves the match, until all members of one team have been eliminated. Early on, Jeff Hardy gets a Swanton Bomb on Eddie Guerrero, so Guerrero is out. Immediately afterward, Jeff does a sick Corkscrew (and I still can't figure out how he does that) on Perry Saturn. Moments later, Saturn manages to pin Jeff, so he's out. It's down to Matt Hardy and Lita versus Perry Saturn and Dean Malenko. It's nice to have JR announcing with Lawler, because he reins in Lawler's misogynistic comments (unlike useless Michael Cole). Matt Hardy gets the Twist of Fate on Perry Saturn, followed by a pin. Terri doesn't like this, and comes into the ring to argue with Matt. Lita spears Terri, to the crowd's delight. Malenko takes advantage of the confusion to pin Matt. Now it is down to Dean and Lita. Lita holds her own very well, but Dean Superplexes her. That would be the end, but Dean yanks Lita up by the hair before the ref can count three so that he can continue beating on her. Dean does this one more time before slapping on a Texas Cloverleaf, and Lita taps out. JR calls Dean "the icon of sleaze." I love JR. Dean tosses Lita out of the ring, and the Hardyz come out to help. Dean escapes, and useless Michael Cole tries to interview Lita, but all she can get out is, "I know I can." I guess we'll find out what that was all about on RAW.
Lillian Garcia tries to interview Kurt Angle in the locker room. Kurt is too busy to answer at first, but then yells at Lillian for interrupting his "training." Oh, is that what that was? Kurt claims that he's not worried about the match.
It's time for Hell in the Cell remembrance number one. This PPV sure has a lot of filler. Triple H flips Cactus Jack through the top of the cage, down to the ring.
, William Regal will defend his European Championship belt against Hardcore Holly. Regal takes the mike and says that he knows the crowd will cheer for Hardcore, since he's an Alabama native. Regal proceeds to make some hick jokes, and gets booed. Once the match gets underway, Regal gets Holly into a "Bow and Arrow," a submission hold I've never seen before. Basically, Regal lies on his back with his knees to his chest, and holds Holly on his back across his knees, so that Holly's stomach is being stretched. It looks like the easiest submission hold to break, ever. You could just wiggle. I have an older brother. I know how to get out of submission holds. Here's a tip -- if you can't get out physically, say that you have to pee. Works every time. Oh, the match. Holly hits Regal in the head with the alleged steel plate in his arm. Just as Holly is about to go for the pin, Raven runs into the ring and DDTs Hardcore. Regal gets the pin and keeps the European Title.
We are reminded that Angle broke the shaky alliance between himself, Rikishi, and Triple H earlier this week. Kevin Kelley asks Rikishi if he is worried that Triple H will turn on him tonight. Rikishi doesn't care, and says that "whatever happens, happens." Rikishi is such a philosopher.
Chyna will be taking on Val Venis. We're reminded that Val knocked Chyna over the announcers' table one time. That's the entire build-up to this so-called feud. Whatever. JR informs us that Chyna told Billy Gunn not to interfere. Chyna comes out working the Princess Leia gold bikini look. Well, if Carrie Fisher were like a foot taller, about seventy pounds heavier, and had implants. Val Venis comes down, accompanied by Ivory. Chyna starts the match off quickly. Hey! I just noticed that Val is wearing black pants. When did that happen? I had not yet exhausted my repertoire of Good Humor Man jokes! Chyna gets pissed at Ivory and starts chasing her around outside the ring. Ivory crawls through the ring, which allows Val to get a Fisherman's Suplex on Chyna for the win. As the members of RTC leave, Chyna grabs Ivory by the hair and drags her back into the ring. Just as Chyna is about to power bomb Ivory, Val interrupts and does a power bomb of his own on Chyna. As Val and Ivory walk back up the ramp, Val puts his arm around Ivory. JR comments that Ivory belongs in Val's armpit. Ha! Ivory is making "menacing" faces, but really it just looks like she's reacting to the fact that Val forgot to apply his Speed Stick.
WWF Armageddon Pay Per View
“ It looks like the easiest submission hold to break, ever. You could just wiggle. I have an older brother. I know how to get out of submission holds. Here's a tip -- if you can't get out physically, say that you have to pee. Works every time. ”
Hell in the Cell flashback number two features Cactus Jack hitting Triple H in the face with a barbed-wire-covered, flaming, piece of wood. Ah yes. The memories.
Stephanie talks to her father about how scared she is for her husband, Triple H. Vince says that he'll talk to Foley and "put a stop to this right now."
Earlier today, Kevin Kelley interviewed the Undertaker about tonight's Hell in the Cell match. The interview takes place in the ring, inside the cell. 'Taker reminds everyone about his own historic matches, many of which have taken place in a cell. He claims that the cell brings out a side in him that is "more animal than it is human." 'Taker reminisces about his first Hell in the Cell match with Shawn Michaels, where he made Michaels bleed, and threw him off the top of the cell. , 'Taker reminisces about chokeslamming Mick Foley through the top of the cage to the mat below, and later in the same match, he threw Foley from the top of the cell through a table. As an aside, some fans consider that match to be the greatest wrestling match of all time. If you haven't seen it, you should, if only to appreciate the monster bumps that Foley takes. 'Taker wraps it up by noting that those matches made his opponents famous, and he wonders who will become famous tonight.
Vince comes out to the ring with his stooges. No motorized wheelchair tonight. Vince gets on the mike and says that he meant "every word [he] said on last Thursday night's Smackdown!," especially the terrible things he said about his wife. Vince is sincerely concerned about the welfare of the wrestlers participating in tonight's Hell in the Cell match and Mick Foley won't listen to his fears. Man, they are really selling this match. If someone doesn't take a huge bump, the fans are going to be really disappointed. Vince asks the crowd to support him in not allowing the Hell in the Cell match to happen, and to show their support by standing. As you would expect, not many people stand up, and Vince claims that the "carnage" will be on the conscience of both Mick Foley and everyone in the crowd.
We see what led up to tonight's Last Man Standing match between Chris Jericho and Kane. For those of you who've been in a cave, Jericho spilled coffee on Kane, and Kane wanted revenge. Then, it turned out that Kane was actually mad at Jericho for being a "pretty boy." Their feud caused Jericho to release his "animal side." Tonight, one of them has to keep the other one down for a ten count to win the match. Kane and Jericho battle their way backstage, and the production crew screws up, so we end up watching the empty arena for about a minute before they finally switch camera views. They throw one another into a truck parked backstage, which has wood chips in the bed. I wonder what that truck could be for? They also both get a few shots in on Mideon, who was just randomly standing backstage for no apparent reason. They make their way back into the arena, and there's another late camera switch.
WWF Armageddon Pay Per View
Back in the ring, Kane gets some sort of crazy-ass submission hold on Jericho that looks like something out of the Kama Sutra. Jericho loses consciousness, so Kane drops him. After a count of six, Jericho is back up and fighting. Jericho goes down a few more times, and then both men nearly get counted out. Kane lifts Jericho over his head and throws him to the floor outside the ring. I like Jericho, but it's kind of funny to see him being thrown around like a little doll. They battle up to the entrance, where there is the usual equipment scattered about. Eventually, Jericho pushes over this wall of stacked up oil drums on top of Kane. Of course, the barrels are all glued together. As the ref counts, Kane's hand reaches up through the wall and grabs Jericho's ankle, but I guess the ref didn't see it, because he counts Kane out and declares Jericho the winner. JR calls Jericho "the guttiest [sic] kid in the WWF." Good one. This whole match was just sloppy -- I'm guessing because it's hard to make it look like Jericho could have a chance against Kane, given the size differential. How about a Jericho/Angle feud?
Jonathan Coachman asks Mick Foley if he is having second thoughts about tonight's Hell in the Cell match. Foley says that this match is all he thinks about, but it's what the people want, and he'll be glad when it's over.
Shawn Michaels is onstage at WWF New York. I'm sure that Sars and Djb would be in the audience if they weren't visiting Wing Chun in Toronto. Shawn Michaels thinks that having six guys in tonight's Hell in the Cell match is going to make everything different. Michaels feels that this match is tailor-made for the Undertaker.
Another Hell in the Cell flashback -- this time we see Mick Foley being chokeslammed into thumb tacks by the Undertaker.