Rikishi comes out with a sledgehammer. Michael Cole informs us that The Rock won't be there tonight because he earned a night off before the big Pay Per View on Sunday -- er, I mean, Rikishi hit him with said sledgehammer on RAW. Rikishi takes the mic and tells everyone that even if The Rock were there, he couldn't do anything, because Rikishi would take The Rock down. We see footage of Rikishi doing the driveby sledgehammering on Monday. Rikishi takes time out to thank the Radicalz. Cut to the Radicalz backstage, eating from big deli trays. Mmm, roast beef. Eddie Guerrero brags that he's going to kick Stone Cold's ass tonight. Mick Foley's music hits. Foley comes out and calls Rikishi a "gutless coward." After what Rikishi did to Stone Cold and The Rock, Foley thought he should take some action, such as fining, suspending, or firing Rikishi. But he's not going to -- instead, he's going to leave Rikishi's punishment up to The Rock. After every sentence, Michael Cole yells out, "This Sunday at Survivor Series!" We get it! Foley brings some cops out. The cops head down to the ring and escort Rikishi out of the building. After the break, we'll hear from Triple H, who is waiting in the WWF Studios in Stamford. They show Triple H sitting there in the dark. Because he's evil now, so apparently he can't switch on a light.
Back from commercial, Foley is in the parking lot telling Rikishi to get into his car and leave. Rikishi peels out in a show of rebellion not seen since my sixteen-year-old neighbor decided that his parents "sucked" and he was going to "show them." Already in the ring are Test and Albert, accompanied by Trish Stratus. Coming down to the ring are Crash, joined by Molly Holly and Hardcore Holly. Crash's entrance is accompanied by strobes, and I have to look away from the television before I have a seizure. Ah, Bob Holly. It's good to see you, old friend. Hardcore ends up rolling up Test for the pin. After, Albert comes into the ring and delivers the "Albert Bomb." The Albert Bomb? What? Where did that one come from? Test gets a Pump Handle Slam on little Crash. Test and Albert go after Molly Holly . Trish attacks Molly from behind, getting a Bulldog. After the match, we see the Radicalz giving a waiter a hard time. Teri picks up a piece of meat and wonders what kind it is. Eddie grabs and says it's "Stone Cold meat" because it's "dead meat." Ha ha! Ha? That wasn't funny or scary in any way. I also feel compelled to mention that Perry Saturn and Teri appear to be a couple, which is both funny and scary.
Now, it's time for the "special message from Triple H." How lame is it that Triple H, in reality, has an injury that he doesn't want to exacerbate before the big show on Sunday, so he's giving a speech. A speech! And it's boring. It probably means I'm not a true wrestling fan, because I don't appreciate the intricacies of this promo. Whatever. It's boring. Triple H tries to lay out all of the reasons why he was actually plotting to take down Stone Cold since last year, accompanied by video clips showing various plot points. Basically, it's the same thing we heard last week, but he's saying it in a studio instead of a ring. Snore. Yawn. Does anyone think that everyone hasn't switched over to...Cursed? Okay, this was probably a good gamble. Notice that they didn't put this big speech on opposite Friends or Will & Grace. OH MY GOD! He's still talking. At this rate they're going to have to change the name from the World Wrestling Federation to the World Talking Shit Federation. Oh yeah, and Stone Cold just arrived.
On the Lugz Boot of the Week, Tazz receives the 3D from the Dudley Boyz (who else?), and then Tazz expresses his feelings for Raven by putting him through a table. Back to present day -- Too Cool are in the ring, dancing. We see a clip of Tazz and Raven talking earlier today. Raven tries to apologize. Tazz says they should just take care of business. And get a new entrance song. Okay, maybe I added that second part in. So, Tazz and Raven are taking on Too Cool. Scotty Too Hotty gets the worm on Raven. Look, I like Too Cool as much as the gal, but now that Rikishi is all bad and shit, don't you think it's time for them to find a new schtick? Raven "accidentally" DDTs Tazz. Sexay gets the Hip Hop Drop on Tazz, and Too Cool gets the win. Raven grabs a chair and starts after Too Cool, but we cut to the Radicalz in their dressing room. Dean Malenko has adopted a gruff voice, and at first I thought he was ripping on Stone Cold, but he keeps doing it. Is that supposed to be his real voice? He never talked like that before. They bitch about the food some more. Are they supposed to be the new DX? That's so lame. They're like DX Lite. Anyway, we find out that they're planning a trap for Stone Cold, although we never did find out what happened with Raven and the chair. They must have had to cut that to make time for Triple H's three-HOUR speech about nothing.
Moments ago, Raven did a DDT on Tazz which allowed Too Cool to win. Michael Cole tells us that during the break, Raven did a DDT to Tazz on top of a steel chair. So who's the heel in this scenario?
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Eddie Guerrero calls Stone Cold down to the ring, and taunts Austin. The Radicalz watch from backstage. Stone Cold sneaks in and kicks some Radicalz azz. He upends the vegetable tray, and there are radishes everywhere. Everywhere! Then Austin gets into a forklift out in the hallway and backs it up so that it blocks the Radicalz doorway and they can't get out. Back in the ring, Eddie realizes that he's in big trouble now that his friends can't help him. Austin comes down to the ring and kicks Eddie's ass. Eddie does get in a few shots with a chair, but really, it's all about Stone Cold. At one point, Stone Cold wishbones Eddie into the ring post and Eddie yells out, "Oh my God!" I laugh and laugh. There is nothing funnier than a nut shot, is there? Austin eventually gets the Stunner and the pin, like there was ever any doubt once the Radicalz were removed from the equation. Stone Cold drinks some beers and makes some gestures that I don't understand. I think he was saying that he would like to funnel some beers? A limo pulls up and The Rock gets out, even though he was supposed to have the night off because of his injury.
Earlier tonight, Eddie got pinned by Stone Cold. Eddie gets someone to move the forklift and goes in and yells at the Radicalz for not helping him. Mick Foley comes in and tells Eddie to calm down. He says that Dean, Perry, and Benoit will all be having matches tonight. Benoit gets all tough. I nearly fall asleep.
Edge and Christian join the announce team for the match. It's an eight-man tag team match. The participants are: The Dudley Boyz, The Hardy Boyz, and all four male members of the RTC. Edge and Christian are there to scout out their Survivor Series match. Edge makes fun of Michael Cole's frosty hair. Hee! The Hardyz win the match, as if anyone cares. Edge rips on "Val's Captain Steubing attire" too. Edge and Christian attack the Dudley Boyz before they can put the RTC through tables. RTC ends up beating on the Hardyz. Ivory gets in a shot on Lita. Michael Cole expresses surprise that the RTC are not fair. We get it. They're hypocrites. No one is surprised.
Kurt Angle (remember him?) tells Kane that he's better than his brother the Undertaker. Those two are going to take on Chris Jericho and the Undertaker. !
Jericho comes down to the ring first. The announcer tells us that it's a "no disqualification" match. The Undertaker rides his bike down to the ring. Wouldn't it be funny if someone did an Undertaker parody that featured someone riding, like, a Schwinn or a tricycle down to the ring? The Undertaker must have been working out more, because he's ditched the leather trench coat and is wearing only a tank top. Kurt Angle is . Michael Cole mentions that Stephanie is nowhere to be seen. Kane is the final participant. Jericho looks like such a midget to Kane. He just knocked Kane over the top rope and onto the floor, and Kane makes Jericho look like a little baby. Kane chokeslams Jericho onto the announcers table, and it doesn't break, so Jericho bounces off. Ouch. Since it's no disqualification, Kurt Angle can smack 'Taker with a chair to prevent him from pinning Kane. Later, Kane uses the same chair to hit 'Taker, and Angle gets the pin for the victory. 'Taker gives Angle the old "slit your throat" gesture, and Angle looks frightened.
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The new tag team of Road Dogg and K-Kwik rap their way down the ramp. I'm glad Roadie is an official face and all, but the rapping has got to go. And he's wearing overalls, for crying out loud. What is he, Hillbilly Jim? They take on Perry Saturn and Dean Malenko. Backstage, Chyna and The One Billy Gunn are happy for Road Dogg and his new partner. I really couldn't be less interested in this match, and I can't believe they saved it for the second to last match of the night. Then again, it's better than listening to Triple H talk some more. Please tell me that the Road Dogg does not have one of his overall buckles undone. What is this, 1989? Anyway, Road Dogg and K-Kwik get the win. I'm guessing we'll be seeing more of this pair in the future.
During the break, Mick Foley announced another match for Survivor Series. First, Tiger Ali Singh suggests that Lo-Down get a match at the PPV. Hey, remember when they were getting a big push? What happened to that? Foley does a spit take and says that the match will actually be The One Billy Gunn, Chyna, Road Dogg, and K-Kwik versus the Radicalz. Hey, did I predict we'd be seeing more of them just one short paragraph ago or what?
Kevin Kelley gives The Rock a chance to address Chris Benoit. The Rock begs Chris Benoit to "finish The Rock." Um, homoerotic much? The Rock hypes his match with Rikishi at Survivor Series. It's all pretty low-key for The Rock.
Jesse Ventura will be an announcer for the XFL. Doesn't he have governing of Minnesota to do? ["Oh, please. Like the state legislature lets him near anything but ribbon-cutting." -- Sars]
Chris Benoit comes down to the ring. I'm sorry -- as soon as that man comes out of the back, my sleep impulse kicks in. I'm going to have to grab some toothpicks to prop open my eyelids, especially since you know nothing interesting is going to happen in this, the last match before the Pay Per View. The Rock comes down the ramp, and the match begins. Benoit beats on The Rock outside the ring. The announcers keep reminding us of The Rock's chest injury, and how much it must be hurting him. The Rock somehow fights back. Benoit gets the Crippler Crossface on The Rock, but then there is a reversal and The Rock gets the Crossface on Benoit. Sigh. Does anyone really care? Of course Rikishi comes out, and The Rock starts beating him before Benoit interferes. Rikishi and Benoit team up to try to "make sure The Rock doesn't get to Survivor Series," as Michael Cole tells us. Rikishi does the Bonsai Drop onto the chest of The Rock. Well, now we know The Rock will win on Survivor Series, given the beating he took tonight. The Rock is bleeding from the mouth. Ew. Thanks for giving me nightmares, guys.
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