Huge, huge pyrotechnics to start the show. That must have been pretty amazing to see live! Michael Cole reminds us that this Sunday is the No Mercy PPV. Tonight, JR will be confronting Austin. Also, Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, The Rock, and Triple H will all be involved in one match. I'm not sure exactly how that will work, but I'm sure they'll tell us. Lawler wonders whose corner Stephanie will be in. Well, Angle's, obviously. Duh.
Mick Foley's music hits and he comes down to the ring, which is already filled with wrestlers. What the? This is why I prefer RAW -- it's live, so stuff like this doesn't happen. Apparently, there is going to be a tag team battle royale. I see The Dudleyz, Too Cool, the Acolytes, RTC, Test and Albert, and Lo-Down. Foley says that the last few weeks have been difficult, and Jerry Lawler has been a great friend, and he wants to thank him. Huh? It's very distracting because one of the Conquistadores is behind Mick's shoulder, and he keeps fussing with his mask. Foley announces that the winner of this match is going to face the Hardyz for the title at No Mercy. I love me some battle royale with cheese, as I like to call them. The bell rings, and Michael Cole explains the rules, even though Foley just said them. Shut up, Michael Cole. He bugs me. With his streaked hair. A melee ensues. Cole and Lawler discuss the identity of the Conquistadores. Looks like Test is out, which means Test and Albert are the first eliminated. The Acolytes battle Test and Albert outside the ring, even though the Acolytes haven't been eliminated yet. Scotty Too Hotty gets tossed over, and the Acolytes catch him and toss him back in, so he's not eliminated. One of the RTC boys goes over, so they're out. The Conquistadores lie down in the corner, hugging the turnbuckle, and hope nobody notices them. Remember when Road Dogg did the same thing in last year's King of the Ring? It almost worked. Not a bad strategy. It's kind of like Survivor: just lay low until the end and then kick ass and take names. Grandmaster Sexay's move backfires when he manages to knock himself and Chaz out. Now it's down to the Dudley Boyz and the Conquistadores. Buh Buh Ray knocks out one of the Conquistadores, but the ref doesn't see it, of course. The Dudleyz think they have won, and one of the Conquistadores takes advantage and knocks Buh Buy Ray over the top rope and onto the floor. So now the Conquistadors have a title shot at No Mercy. Funny how Foley told Edge and Christian they can't have a title shot as long as the Hardyz hold the titles. Interesting, that.
A limo pulls into the garage, and Triple H and Stephanie get out. Lawler expresses surprise that they are arriving together. Why do they always bring their suitcases to the arena? Wouldn't they have dropped those off at the hotel earlier that day?
Triple H is complaining to Earl Hebner about tonight's Four Corners match. Hebner tells them to take it up with Commissioner Foley. Also, in case you were out getting snacks, they show how the Conquistadores robbed the Dudley Boyz of a shot at the belts on Sunday.
Kevin Kelley interviews the Conquistadores, but before they can speak, Edge and Christian come up and congratulate them on their win. Hey, I'm fooled. Not.
Tazz will be taking on Steve Blackman for the Hardcore Championship Belt. The match begins on the ramp, and proceeds into the crowd. I don't know how they ever go out into the crowd -- it seems very dangerous. I mean, more dangerous than being in the ring. Then the match goes backstage, but somehow Funaki gets involved and Tazz knocks him out. Then "Just Joe" comes out and laughs, and Tazz and Blackman beat him up too. Finally, they make their way back into the arena. Seriously, like ten minutes of this match just happened and I didn't even miss anything. I could've gone out to the kitchen and gotten a beer. Even better, I could've sent my dog out to the kitchen to get a beer for me. If I had a dog who would fetch beer, like that Alex from the Stroh's commercials back in the day. Or if I had a dog at all. Oh, sorry. Blackman won.
Triple H, Stephanie, and Kurt are yelling at Mick about how stupid their match tonight is. Triple H tells Kurt to shut up. Then Stephanie tells Kurt to shut up. Ooh, trouble in paradise. Foley says that his job is not to make the wrestlers happy -- it's to make the fans happy, and this match will do just that. Meanwhile, out in the parking garage...nothing is happening. Wow, an empty parking garage. So glad they updated us on that situation.
Eddie Guerrero comes out on a crutch, with his new Intercontinental Title Belt. There are big cheers -- I thought he was supposed to be a heel now! Apparently, the injury made him unable to comb his hair, because it's all greasy and hanging down in his face. We are reminded that Eddie is supposed to defend his title on Sunday against Billy Gunn. Well, that's going to be difficult with the injury and all. Eddie says that Chyna is probably backstage talking about how much she misses him, but he won't take her back tonight. Eddie goes on to disparage Chyna's "lover," Billy Gunn, and Michael Cole is quick to point out that Chyna and Billy are just longtime friends. Eddie calls Gunn out. Chyna comes down instead, and says that she has not been crying in the back. Then, she slaps him. Before he can retaliate, RTC comes out. Hee! The Godfather (excuse me, Good Father) is wearing a tie that only comes about halfway down his chest. Steven Richards says that Chyna has forced them to "take action" because she appeared in Playboy. They start beating her up, and of course, Billy Gunn comes running down to help out, even though it's four on one. While Gunn gets the crap beaten out of him, Eddie chokes Chyna with his crutch. Finally, RTC and Eddie leave the ring while Billy comforts Chyna. Well, that was thrilling. Except that it was the opposite of that. Must have been a last minute addition to the lineup after Eddie got injured on RAW.
Parking garage cam again. Stone Cold is here! And he's walking into the arena!
More XFL cheerleader tryouts are announced, in Las Vegas. Oh my God, that is such an MBTV shout-out, because a bunch of us met up in Las Vegas this summer, and we saw Bring It On, a cheerleading movie.
William Regal won the European Championship from Al Snow on Monday night. Tonight, Regal will be defending against Perry Saturn, who is accompanied by Teri. Teri is wearing a "Jennifer Lopez at the Grammys" dress. Also involved in the match will be Al Snow -- so it's a Triple Threat match. Wow, William Regal is flabby and pasty. Regal eventually gets the "Regal Stretch" on Snow for the win. Seriously, the "Regal Stretch" is the saddest submission move I have ever seen. He basically shakes the competitor's head back and forth. I don't get the stretching part. Whatever. I think most submission moves are pretty lame. Except for the Figure Four Leg Lock. My brother used to slap that one on me when we were kids, and it hurts! I have also been the victim of numerous Piledrivers. Ah, the joys of having an older brother.
Steve Austin will be talking to JR soon. But in the meantime, he's just going to pace back and forth.
Clip package of the story of how Rikishi ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin. Since they've only had a week to build up this feud, they want to play it up since this is the last show before Sunday's PPV. I think Austin's return to the ring is enough to get most people to watch. I'm sure he won't be able to do much, but he couldn't do much before his surgery either. And it's not like Rikishi is flying around the ring, either. I think it'll still be a good match.
Austin continues pacing as JR talks to him. JR tells Austin that Rikishi really thinks he did the right thing for his family, but Austin says that's no excuse. JR is in the middle of another question, and they cut to Rikishi smashing up Austin's truck with a sledgehammer, and then (gasp!) pouring out his beer! That's just crazy. JR keeps trying to talk to Austin, but no one cares. Rikishi is now standing on the hood of the truck, smashing the windshield. Cut back to JR, still talking. And still, no one cares. Finally one of the B-list announcers busts in and tells Stone Cold what is going on. Wow, Rikishi is really doing some damage to the truck. As JR and Austin walk out to the parking garage, they walk by some lady who's like "The hell?" By the time they get to the parking garage, a car is speeding away. Austin hops in his truck and peels out, following the car. JR pleads with Austin to stop, warning him that it could be a trap. JR turns around and Rikishi is right there! Hey! It was a trap, but not what JR thought! Rikishi knocks JR down and taunts him. Just as Rikishi is about to hit JR with the sledgehammer, Mick Foley shows up and tells Rikishi he had better drop the sledgehammer, or his match with Stone Cold is off on Sunday. There's no better way to make someone a heel than to have them attack the beloved JR. Rikishi leaves, reminding Foley that the match on Sunday is "no holds barred." I actually didn't see that twist coming until right before it happened. That's unusually subtle for the WWF.
After we return from the break, we see what just happened all over again. Instead of retyping it, I'll just direct you to the paragraph above this one. Seriously, they show almost the whole thing over again.
The Road Dogg is taking on Raven. Caw! Caw! I can't stop laughing at how dumb his theme music is. I know I bring it up every week. It's still funny to me. Meanwhile, the announcers are still talking about Stone Cold and Rikishi. About ten times, we are reminded that Stone Cold is driving around Cleveland looking for Rikishi. Like he didn't just drive around the block and then come back. Raven gets some sort of wacky submission move on Road Dogg for a while and then just lets go. No name for that submission move yet. I think they should call it The Caw. Road Dogg ends up getting the pump handle slam and the win.
Backstage, Stephanie is talking to Kurt Angle. Angle expresses concern for Stephanie's safety, and he's worried that she'll have to choose between him and Triple H. Stephanie assures him that she'll be fine, and if it comes down to a choice, she'll "do the right thing." Angle feels better for a minute until he realizes that she never actually said who she would choose. That Stephanie is sneaky.
After the commercials, we see the Rikishi/Austin vignette again! This time, the announcers are wondering who was driving the phantom Rikishi car, that made Austin think that Rikishi had left. Again, check out the paragraph above for full details.
Edge and Christian are being interviewed about their match, but they, like the announcers, would rather talk about the doings between Stone Cold and Rikishi. Why oh why did they have to team Edge and Christian, whom I enjoy, with X-Pac, whom I loathe? Oh, woe is me.
The Hardyz come down to the ring, minus Lita. Lita will be defending her title later on against Trish Stratus. The Hardy Boyz' partner in this match, Chris Jericho, makes his entrance. Just as Edge and Christian are coming in, we cut to Stone Cold returning in his truck, running over his beer cooler in the process. Wow, he must be pissed to waste beer like that. Austin walks into the arena. Back in the ring, the match is underway. X-Pac has joined Edge and Christian. Christian gets tossed to the corner, and Jeff Hardy uses Matt as a stepping stone to smash into him. Then, Jericho follows suit! That was pretty cool. X-Pac hits Jeff Hardy with a particularly vicious spinning-heel kick. Oh, no! X-Pac gets the Bronco Buster on Jeff Hardy. That is so sad. Edge gets up on the turnbuckle and mocks Jeff Hardy's "fingers pointing at head" pose, but when he jumps off, Jeff treats him to a boot in the stomach. Jeff Hardy does a triple back flip off the top rope at one point. I love me some Jeff Hardy. By the end, everyone is in the ring and Stone Cold's music hits. Austin runs down to the ring and starts smacking people with a chair. Down goes Edge. Down goes Matt Hardy. Down goes Jeff Hardy. Down goes Christian. Down goes X-Pac. Down goes Jericho. Well, he's an equal-opportunity chair-user. Down goes the ref. Stunner on Sgt. Slaughter! Austin ends up taking off after one of the refs, but then gets back in to the ring to survey the damage. He gives a couple of kicks to Sgt. Slaughter for good measure. There are bodies strewn everywhere. Finally, he retreats back up the ramp. Wow -- that was pretty awesome, in a completely extraneous violence kind of way.
After the commercial, we...well, just reread the paragraph above. Stone Cold laid the smack down.
Kevin Kelley is interviewing the Rock, and he asks about The Rock's match against Kurt Angle at No Mercy. The Rock says that since he found out about Rikishi's actions, he's been angry and confused, but focusing on his upcoming match has helped him to snap out of it. The Rock hopes to beat "the Olympic mucus" right out of Angle's "smug, smiling face." The Rock makes fun of Kane. Then he makes fun of Chris Benoit. Then he makes fun of Angle, and affects a high, girly voice to approximate how Angle speaks. It's pretty funny. Good thing The Rock brought the funny tonight. All that heavy Stone Cold stuff was bringing me down. The Rock claims that he has a special move for Kurt Angle. He's going to take his boot and "turn it horizontal, or sideways -- just the way [Kurt likes] it, or so The Rock has heard," and then The Rock will take his boot and -- wait for it -- "stick it straight up your candy ass!" Whoo! The payoff. The crowd goes wild. The Rock goes on to say that Stephanie is a "two-dollar -- no, fifty-cent -- no, buy-two-get-one-free, does-anyone-have-change-for-a-nickel" whore. Well, they didn't let him say the whore part, but you know that's what he meant. The Rock finishes by telling Angle to "just bring it," and then does his "smell what The Rock is cooking" thing that the kids seem to like so much.
Trish Stratus is walking to the ring with a dictionary. Lita is walking to the ring with her belt. Then, there's a promo for Sunday Night Heat.
Trish Stratus comes down to the ring with her dictionary. I'm still trying to figure out what's so weird about her body. Besides her unnaturally large breasts, that is. I think she's just really short-waisted. Anyway, Trish reads the definition of "champion" and says that they are all qualities that she possesses. Then she reads the definition of Lita as "one who shows disgusting tattoos on her body, one who wears her pants way too low, and most importantly, a low-class, cheap bimbo." Wow, that was really unfunny. Nice try giving Trish some personality, writers. Lita runs down the ramp and spears Trish. I have to give Trish props for trying to perform some actual wrestling moves, and taking some bumps. Albert comes out and knocks Lita off the top rope, but Lita kicks out when Trish pins her. Test does an Irish whip on Lita into the ropes, and Lita somehow goes from standing position to a hurricanrana. That was pretty amazing. Test pins Lita's arms behind her back, but Lita gets a low blow in on him. Lita goes up to the top rope, but Test somehow turns it into a power bomb. The ref signals for the bell, and Test and Albert hold Lita's arms while Trish slaps her. The Acolytes come down and clear everyone out of the ring, then help Lita back up the ramp.
Triple H is telling Stephanie he doesn't want her at ringside. Stephanie says it's not about what he wants -- she's made a business decision to be in Kurt's corner. Stephanie tells Triple H that she'll "do the right thing." Triple H, like Kurt, is placated at first, but then realizes that's not really an answer. Would they resolve this already and move on?