WWF Smackdown S01E05

The show starts with some pyrotechnics (as always) and our friend JR hypes us all up for the upcoming matches, and tells us that Stone Cold Steve Austin has not yet arrived at the arena. I scan the signs in the audience, looking for a funny one to report to y'all, but they're pretty boring. The best I can do is, "Wanna See My Lethal Weapon?" Yeah, I told you they weren't that good.

The first match will be the Dudley Boyz Tag Team Table Elimination Invitational. Howard Finkel explains the rules -- basically, two teams go at it. When one member of a team gets put through a table, that team loses. The losing team leaves the ring, and the winning team stays in the ring to face another opponent. There are five teams total. Got it?

The first team is Too Cool, and I just noticed that they have new entrance music. I guess Rikishi got custody of the old music when they split up. It's strictly BYOT -- Bring Your Own Tables. JR and Lawler discuss the fact that Stone Cold isn't there yet, and that Stephanie guaranteed that Kurt Angle would win the WWF Championship. The opponents, Lo-Down, finally enter the ring with their table. Lawler points out that Edge and Christian would have been great in this match. JR says that they were supposed to be, but they were "feeling under the weather." Scotty Too Hotty jumps on Chaz and puts him through a table. At about the same time, D-Lo goes to jump on Sexay on a table, but Sexay rolls out of the way, leaving D-Lo to go crashing through the table. Match over, and Too Cool gets to stay in the ring. The team is Tazz and Raven. Thankfully, they use Tazz's music as they walk in. Maybe the WWF got my memo about Raven's lame music. At one point, Scotty Too Hotty does the Worm underneath a table, like a mini-Worm. Soon after, Tazz suplexes Scotty through a table, eliminating Too Cool. out are the Dudley Boyz. JR reminds us that pinfalls and submissions are irrelevant in this match. After a quick beatdown, the crowd goes wild when Buh Buh Ray calls for D-Von to "get the table!" A short while later, D-Von lands on Tazz, putting him through a table. So, the final part of the match is the Dudleyz versus Bull Buchanan and the Good Father, from Right To Censor. Bull Buchanan goes to clothesline Buh Buh Ray, who ducks, and Bull ends up taking out the ref. As the ref lies unconscious on the mat, Buh Buh puts Bull through a table. Of course, there is no referee to call the match. Good Father sneaks in and hits Buh Buh with a chair, causing him to fall on the broken table. Good Father drags Bull out of the ring, so that the ref wakes up and thinks Buh Buh went through the table. Another ref comes out and argues, so the original ref says that the match will be continued. The Dudleyz get a 3-D on the Good Father, through the table, and end up winning the tournament. It's only fitting since it was their invitational, I guess.

Trish is talking to Test and Albert in the bathroom. Trish says that the "plan is in place." Test and Albert make some dumb remarks about her breasts falling out of her shirt. Snore. Cut to a close-up on Rikishi, who is walking around the arena with a sledgehammer. JR and Lawler discuss how Rikishi has promised to turn Austin into "Stone Cold Roadkill." Lawler asks where Stone Cold is, anyway, and JR says that he guarantees that Stone Cold will be there. We flash back to last Sunday, where Test, Albert, and Trish got involved in a strip poker game with the Acolytes. When T & A ran out of money, Trish started to strip. As the Acolytes were distracted, T & A beat them up. Then, on RAW, Trish tried to kiss Bradshaw to distract him from the match. It didn't really work. Finally, on Smackdown, the Acolytes rescued Lita from a beating at the hands of T & A and Trish.

So tonight, Lita will be teaming up with the Acolytes to take on T & A and Trish. Lita comes down to the ring. The Acolytes' music hits, but they don't come out. Cut to backstage, where Bradshaw is pinned under some sort of heavy case. Farooq tries to take on T & A, but fails. Lita runs backstage to check out what's going on, and is met at the top of the ramp by T & A and Trish. Trish throws Lita in the ring. Lita takes some serious bumps before the Hardy Boyz come flying out and kick T & A and Trish out of the ring.

Lillian Garcia interviews Edge and Christian about their alleged food poisoning. Edge and Christian do a long bit about how they realized that they didn't get food poisoning from the peanuts they ate. There's a lot of "our nuts are fine" and asking Lillian if she wants to "sample [their] nuts." I'm sure you can fill in the rest of the jokes.

Rikishi is still awaiting the arrival of Stone Cold out in the parking lot. up is a Steel Cage match between Jericho and X-Pac. Chris Jericho comes out first. He gets into the ring and makes a little speech. Jericho says he's been wrestling X-Pac for so long that he can't remember why he hates X-Pac so much. It might be X-Pac's "greasy hair," or his "outdated crotch chop," or his "brutal, kind of comme ci, comme ca ring wear." Jericho says that he and all the Jerichoholics want to "see this feud end tonight." Amen, brother. Jericho finishes his little speech and waits for X-Pac to arrive, but I guess he forgot part of it. He picks up the mike again and does the "never, ever" thing. X-Pac comes out with some new ring attire -- he's dropped the neon green parts. I guess that's part of the whole "dissolution of D-Generation X" thing. Jericho starts the match outside the cage, but after a chair shot, the two wrestlers finally head inside. Okay, the dumbest thing about this steel cage match is that the first one to exit either over the top OR out the door wins. Why wouldn't one of them just walk out the door immediately? That's a big flaw in this match, I think. For example, at one point, Jericho knocks out X-Pac with a dropkick from the top turnbuckle. Why wouldn't Jericho just walk out the door at that point? I realize asking for logic from the WWF is silly, but it just seemed so obvious. In other matches, they've locked the door. Of course, someone always runs out with a pair of boltcutters, so I guess the point is moot. Oh yeah, back to the match. At one point, X-Pac starts to climb up to the top of the cage, and Jericho climbs up to the top turnbuckle and powerbombs X-Pac back to the mat. Wow. Jericho starts to make his way to the top of cage, and Lawler encourages Jericho to "climb like [he's] never clumb before!" I comment, "Clumb?" and a second later, JR says, "Clumb?" Hee! X-Pac grabs Jericho's ankle and drags him back down. X-Pac starts to head out the door, but Jericho drags him back on. X-Pac, however, has grabbed the conveniently placed chair that was just outside, and hits Jericho with a chairshot. X-Pac starts climbing out again, and JR tries to argue that X-Pac is too "dazed" to use the door. Whatever. X-Pac makes it to the top, but Jericho climbs up as well, and manages to get X-Pac lying on top of the cage. Jericho then applies the Walls of Jericho on top of the cage. On top of the cage, people! X-Pac manages to push Jericho back down to the mat. So now, X-Pac is still on top of the cage, with Jericho on the mat. X-Pac starts to climb out, and is standing on top of the door. Jericho dropkicks the door so that X-Pac falls to a straddling position. Jericho rushes out the door and wins the match.

After the match, we cut to Steve Blackman at WWF New York. Hey, was that Sars in the crowd? Probably not. Mick Foley is hanging out in his "office," and Rikishi enters and asks where Steve Austin is. Foley promises that if Austin doesn't show up, Rikishi will win by forfeit. Foley also reminds Rikishi that "Austin is always closer than you think."

Flashback to RAW: Eddie Guerrero was injured in a match with Jericho. Earlier tonight on Heat, Foley pits Val Venis and Steven Richards against Billy Gunn and Chyna. In an interview, Chyna promises to introduce her elbow to Eddie's crotch, and Gunn promises that RTC will be "destroyed." Richards and Venis come down to the ring. Richards makes a little speech, but it's really not interesting enough to recount here. Chyna comes out with her rocket launcher, and J-Dawg comments, "I've got to get me one of those." Word. Gunn comes out and escorts Chyna to the ring. Does he have the lamest theme music in the WWF? It's possible. During the match, RTC continually work on Gunn's sore shoulder. It may be smart wrestling, but it's boring to watch. Chyna does her back handspring move on Steven Richards. Then, she and Gunn work on Venis. Bull and Good Father try to run in, and Gunn goes outside the ring to take care of them. Chyna, still in the ring, starts to put the Pedigree on Venis, but Eddie Guerrero runs in (incredibly, not on crutches) and nails Chyna with a bouquet of roses. Venis takes advantage and pins Chyna for the win. After the match, Gunn checks out the bouquet to find a lead pipe inside. That would be surprising if Guerrero hadn't done the same exact thing before.

Stephanie asks Triple H if she can be ringside, and he says no for like the millionth time. She gives him a video that she thinks might help him to beat Benoit. She takes off to help her "business partner" Kurt Angle, and Triple H tells her to remind Angle that if anything happens to Stephanie, Triple H will "put him out of business for good."

It's time for the Rikishi/Austin match, but not before we see a clip package reminding us of what led up to the feud. Austin got hit. Austin came back. Austin gave out Stunners. Rikishi admitted that he is the one who hit Austin, and that he did it for The Rock. Austin wants revenge. Thus, the match. We're reminded that everything in this match is legal. It's no holds barred. Did you get that? Everything is legal.

Rikishi comes down to the ring wearing a muumuu. Rikishi wants Mick Foley to come out and declare him the winner, since Austin is nowhere to be seen. Once Foley finally makes it down to the ring, Austin's music starts up. Still, there's no Austin. We see Austin driving his battered truck down to the ring. Literally, he drove it right down to the ring, and kind of crashed into it. He and Rikishi start going at it. Austin slams Rikishi's head with the truck door. Austin beats on Rikishi a lot. I think you see how this is going. Austin can't really "wrestle" yet, so this "match" is basically a big beating. They go out into the crowd. One guy in the crowd has a sticker on his shaved head, and that fascinates me for a few minutes. Rikishi starts to take back some of the momentum as they make their way back to the ring. Austin gets some sort of strap, and starts beating Rikishi "like a government mule." Later, Austin chokes Rikishi with a rope. Rikishi gets a chair but misses hitting Austin. Austin grabs the chair and hits Rikishi in the head, then continues to hit him. JR says that Rikishi is "busted wide open." Austin grabs JR's cowboy hat and hits Rikishi, probably paying him back for hurting JR earlier this week. Finally, Austin knocks Rikishi into the back of his truck and backs up the ramp. The best part is that Austin adjusts his mirrors before starting up the ramp. Like, it's okay for him to drink a beer while driving, as long as his mirrors are properly adjusted. Austin drives out to the parking lot, and drags Rikishi out and props him up against a stone wall. Austin gets back in the truck and prepares to ram Rikishi with the truck. Just before he gets there, a police car pulls up, and Austin hits that instead. Austin backs up and hits the police car again. Suddenly about twenty police cars pull up and Austin gets cuffed, Mirandized, and arrested. It's just like an episode of Cops! As JR and Jerry discuss the arrest, there's a bunch of doofuses standing behind them looking into the camera. Guys, you don't look cool. Stop it. Anyway, JR is shocked and thinks Austin took it too far. We see highlights of the "match." Rikishi is still lying on the grass, and the police officer that Austin broadsided is being taken away on a gurney.

Now, it's time for the WWF European Championship match. William Regal enters the ring and announces that he'll be taking on Naked Mideon. Oh, no. I really wanted it to be Al Snow. Regal says that he demanded that Mideon wear "proper ring attire." Mideon comes out, wearing a shirt and pants. Someone on the forums speculated that Mideon got this match as payback, because he has been sparring with Austin while he trains for his return to the ring. Maybe so. I still don't want to see this match. Or recap it. Mideon has to pull up his pants after every move. It's called a drawstring, dude. Look into it. Boring, boring, boring match. Mideon takes off his shirt, and EW! Nice beer gut. Regal does a terrible, terrible suplex. I don't know if it's because Regal can't do the move, or because Mideon is so damn heavy. Mideon rips off his pants, and then kisses Regal. Huh? For a minute, I really thought Mideon was naked, but then I realized that it's a flesh-colored thong. Regal finally gets the pin. Thank God. I couldn't take much more of Mideon's dimpled ass.