Michael Cole informs us that Stone Cold is waiting outside the building to confront Rikishi. You see, it was revealed on Monday's RAW that Rikishi was the one who hit Stone Cold with a car last fall. Rikishi gave a long speech about how he did it for The Rock, because Rikishi was sick of white guys being champs of the WWF for so long. Rikishi took out Stone Cold so that The Rock could be on top. Rikishi also mentioned repeatedly that The Rock knew nothing about what he was going to do, and that he acted alone. I'm sure that won't come up again. Except that it will come up every five minutes for the five months, probably. Tonight, Road Dogg and Triple H will take on Chris Benoit and Perry Saturn in a tag team match. Nice. They don't want to waste a Triple H/Benoit match on a non-Pay-Per-View show, so they stick Road Dogg and Saturn in there. Also, Kane will be taking on Kurt Angle for some heel-on-heel action.
Pyrotechnics announce the arrival of the Dudley Boyz, carrying a table down to the ring. They will be taking on Lo-Down, but just as the match begins, these two guys dressed head to foot in gold bodysuits come down the ramp. They even have gold masks over their heads. These two were also featured on RAW, where they interfered in a Hardy Boyz match. The gold guys take a seat at the announcers' table and say that they should be referred to as "Uno and Dos, the Conquistadors." They pretend to speak only Spanish. This would all be a lot more suspenseful if you couldn't see Edge's blond hair sticking out of the back of one of the masks. Oh, now that the match is halfway over, they let us know that it's a table match. Lawler makes a joke about the Spanish announcers, which is funny if you know that the Spanish announcers' table always gets broken during a Pay-Per-View. The match continues, and the announcers ignore it to talk to the Conquistadors. At one point, Buh Buh Ray gets Chaz on his shoulders, and D-Von dives off the top rope and clotheslines him. It was pretty cool. The announcers are actually not giving Lo-Down the hard sell, for once, by talking about how underrated they are, and that they deserve a chance. So, I guess the Conquistadors are good for something. Finally the Dudleyz put D-Lo through a table with the 3D, and the match ends. Michael Cole tells the Conquistadors that they look like C-3P0 from Star Wars.
We see a video package showing us what happened between Eddie and Chyna on RAW. Chyna asked Eddie where he was all night, and Eddie yelled that she needs to trust him, since they're getting married. During their match against RTC, the hardly-ever-used G-TV logo came on the TitanTron and we saw surveillance camera footage of Eddie exiting the shower, where he had been, um, bathing with Mandy and Victoria. Chyna was very upset, and bid Eddie a tearful goodbye, returning his ring, and driving off in a PT Cruiser. You go, girl! Billy Gunn came out and told Eddie to leave Chyna alone, and Eddie attacked him from behind.
The announcers remind us that Eddie is a snake, and that Billy Gunn is a longtime friend of Chyna. Well, except for that part called "the past year" where Chyna was not a member of DX at all. Anyway, there will be a match tonight featuring Gunn and Chris Jericho versus X-Pac and Eddie Guerrero. Before we go to commercial, they tell us that we'll be finding out what the Rock thinks about Rikishi running down Stone Cold, and then we are reminded that Stone Cold is still sitting outside the arena in his truck. I hope he brought some snacks. He's been there for a while.
After the break, we see a promo for Superstars, like anyone watches that show. Then, there's a clip package explaining the whole Stone Cold mystery. It goes a little something like this: Shawn Michaels came back to suggest that The Rock was the culprit. Mick Foley interviewed Linda McMahon, who suggested that The Rock had the most to gain if Stone Cold were taken out. Scotty Too Hotty says that he was backstage with Grandmaster Sexay and Rikishi on the night in question. Foley revealed that all of the evidence pointed to The Rock, but then pulled a Jessica Fletcher and said that the real culprit was Rikishi. Then, we heard a long speech from Rikishi explaining how the WWF has always been about "the great white hope." This time we get to see video clips of all of the wrestlers that Rikishi namedropped in his speech, both as examples of great white hopes, and as examples of "island boys" who were held back. I wish they had done that during the actual show, but I guess that would have ruined the "surprise" element, if they had a videotape all ready to go with Rikishi's speech. The clips end with Lawler saying, "What about The Rock?"
Cut to The Rock sitting down for an interview with JR "earlier today." JR asks for The Rock's thoughts. The Rock talks more like Dwayne Johnson than his usual Rock persona. He's very subdued. Rocky feels like Rikishi negated everything The Rock has done by saying that he needed help to win the title. He can't believe Rikishi did it, but he really thinks Rikishi thought he was doing the right thing. JR asks about the racial issue, and The Rock says that it's "bullshit." Actually, he said it was "bleep," but I'm a good lip reader. The Rock says that "throwing the race card" is his "biggest pet peeve." The Rock reiterates that he knows Rikishi thinks he did the right thing. It pisses him off (or [bleeps] him off, if you will) that anyone would suggest that he couldn't have accomplished all he did in the WWF with Stone Cold "by [his] side" or even "in front of [his] face." JR asks what The Rock will say to Stone Cold. The Rock says he has already talked to Stone Cold, and has been talking to him throughout his rehabilitation, and they are cool. JR asks if The Rock is upset with Stone Cold for having so much rage at Rikishi. The Rock says he has no problem with Stone Cold wanting to "beat the living piss" (or the living [bleep]) out of Rikishi. The Rock finishes by saying that he's not one to give advice, but he hopes that "Steve Austin isn't going to do something to Rikishi that he's going to regret for the rest of his life." Ooh, stirring.
After some commentary by the announcers, we see Billy Gunn backstage preparing for his match. Suddenly, he's attacked from behind by Eddie Guerrero, and left on the floor, motionless. I hope he's okay! Actually, I really don't care. I'm not a huge Billy Gunn fan. I just thought that was the right thing to say, since they went to commercial, and I know we were supposed to wonder.
After the break, we see Billy Gunn being loaded onto a stretcher as Mick Foley looks on. Eddie comes up and starts taunting the unconscious Gunn. Ooh, what a big man! Foley takes umbrage and decides to make it a Triple Threat match with Eddie, Jericho, and X-Pac. And it's for Eddie's Intercontinental Title. I love when the announcers say, "Who can forget..." when really what they are doing is reminding those who did forget or never saw it in the first place. In this case, as the competitors come to the ring, we are reminded of the rivalry between X-Pac and Jericho, and we're also reminded that the person who gets the first pin wins the belt, even if Guerrero is not involved, so he could lose the belt even if he doesn't get pinned. It takes like twenty minutes for all three of them to get to the ring. After many near-pins, X-Pac gets the X-Factor on Jericho. Eddie kicks X-Pac off, and takes over for the pin and retains his belt. After Eddie leaves the ring, Jericho and X-Pac start beating on each other, requiring all twenty-five refs you never see except when they have to break something up, and Sergeant Slaughter, to come out and break it up.
A cop arrives and tries to convince Stone Cold that he shouldn't do anything to Rikishi that might land him in jail. Stone Cold rolls the window up in the cop's face. Good thing he has automatic windows -- it looked much cooler than if he'd had to crank the window up by hand.
Hey, it's a Mormon convention! Oh, it's just Right To Censor. Kurt Angle approaches Right To Censor, and says that he admires their work, and says that they should challenge The Rock to a title match. If a member of RTC wins, Angle theorizes, Angle will get to take him on at the Pay-Per-View (since Angle is the number one contender). Then, Angle finishes, the fans will get to see an athletic match, and have an upstanding champion, no matter the outcome. Stevie Richards likes the way Kurt thinks.
Steven Regal comes out and joins the announcers for the European Title match. This week, Al Snow is representing Hong Kong by wearing a straw hat, a Fu Manchu mustache, and carrying a picture of Hong Kong Phooey. Regal is, of course, disgusted. Michael Cole explains that Hong Kong is a former British colony, which is how it ties into the "European" theme. Snow is fighting Albert, and Regal refers to Trish as a "buxom wench," which is about right. Albert sets Snow up for a power bomb, but Snow messily counters and ends up getting the pin and retaining the title. Albert is not happy about this turn of events, and tries to smash Al with Head. Al once again manages to counter, and ends up being the smasher instead of the smashee. Regal goes into the ring and attacks Snow from behind.
Out in the parking garage, JR tries to get Stone Cold to talk to him. Stone Cold finally relents by rolling down the window, and JR tries to get him to "listen to reason." Stone Cold just turns and looks at JR, and this causes JR to shut up and walk away. I know everyone loves Stone Cold, and I usually do too, but sometimes he reminds me of someone's alcoholic father. Like, he's scary.
Chris Benoit and Perry Saturn are taking on Triple H and the Road Dogg. The Road Dogg even gets to talk for a minute, and he doesn't recite his little poem! That's startling. Michael Cole points out that Stephanie is not accompanying Triple H to the ring, since Triple H told his wife that she couldn't last week. Triple H starts to put the Pedigree on Saturn, but Terri (remember Terri?) interrupts. Finally. Triple H follows through with the Pedigree, and gets the pin. After the match, that crazy Chris Benoit puts the Crippler Crossface on Triple H and it takes all twenty-five refs and Sergeant Slaughter and Road Dogg to break it up. That Chris Benoit is crazy! And rabid! And did we mention crazy?
Austin Check: Yep, still waiting for Rikishi. If this doesn't pay off tonight, I'm going to be really pissed.
Back from commercial, we get to see the Crippler Crossface being applied again. Stephanie tells Triple H that he needs her at ringside to prevent crazy Benoit from attacking him again. Triple H says, "What part of 'no' don't you understand?" Stephanie says she understands completely and leaves.
Mick Foley comes out to the ring, as we are reminded that he delivered "the man who ran over Stone Cold" on Monday night. Foley announces that Stone Cold's suspension has been lifted, and the crowd cheers. Then, Foley asks Austin to come out of the parking garage and come to the ring, because Foley can deliver Rikishi to him. Foley declares that he will sit in the ring until Stone Cold comes to the ring.
Cut to the parking garage where JR is getting in Stone Cold's face, telling him that he needs to go down to the ring. Austin angrily gets out of his truck and angrily walks to the ring. When Austin finally arrives, Foley says that he's learned that nobody tells Stone Cold what to do, so he's asking instead. He asks Austin not to run down Rikishi. Instead, Foley promises to let Stone Cold take on Rikishi at the No Mercy Pay-Per-View. Austin wonders why he would do that, when he could just wait for Rikishi to arrive at the arena and run over him "again and again like a fat-ass speed bump." Hey, how come he got to say "ass," when The Rock was all bleep this and bleep that before? ["Because he's white. Damn, Rikishi was right!" -- Wing Chun] Foley says that Austin will go to jail if he follows through. Austin protests that he doesn't want just a match. Foley announces that it will be a "No Holds Barred" match, which means that Austin can do anything he wants and "it's all legal." Austin officially accepts the match. Stone Cold promises an "ass-whipping." See, he's swearing all over the place! That's not fair. I guess it was because Rock's interview was in the first "family" hour, but after 9 PM, all bets are off. Still. Austin finishes by asking the name of the Pay-Per-View. Foley replies, "No mercy." Stone Cold says, "Damn right." Hee! He was all serious and stuff. So dramatic, that Steve Austin.
Lawler announces that he will be at the XFL cheerleading tryouts this Monday. Oh, good Lord. I can only imagine the outfits that the XFL cheerleaders will wear. I wonder if they will be forced to get breast implants to be on the squad.
Speaking of breast implants, Lita's seem to get bigger every week. Lita, her breasts, and the Hardy Boyz come down to the ring to take on Tazz and Raven for the Tag Team Titles. With all the tag teams in the federation, why do Tazz and Raven get a shot at the belts? How lame. At least they played Tazz's music instead of Raven's, so we weren't subjected to the "Caw! Caw!" The Hardys throw Tazz and Raven out of the ring, and then Jeff goes flying over the top rope and lands on both of them in an amazing move. Matt Hardy hits the Twist of Fate, and is about to pin Tazz when the Conquistadors run out in their weird gold suits and distract the ref so that the pin is not counted. Eventually, Jeff hits the Swanton Bomb, and Matt pins Tazz so that the Hardys retain the title. They really need to give up the Conquistador thing -- it's so clearly Edge and Christian. Or they should make it a big joke about how everyone knows that it's Edge and Christian, but those two think they are being all sneaky. That would be funny.
After the break, we are reminded that Kane chokeslammed Kurt Angle earlier this week, when they were supposed to be tag team partners. Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley smarms down to the ring and announces that she will be in Kurt Angle's corner permanently. Angle and Kane commence with their match, and the action takes them into the crowd for some reason. Kane carries Angle back to the ring like a little baby. Hee! The announcers speculate on whether Triple H is watching the match. I know I said in a recap that Kane's outfit seems to become more revealing every week, but I swear to God, the conspiracy continues. This week, the flame patterns on his legs seem to have become transparent. Soon, he's going to be wearing a singlet like Kurt Angle. God forbid. Kane chokeslams Kurt Angle, and then goes after Stephanie. This chase gives Angle enough time to recover, and he ends up getting the pin. Kane takes his loss out on the referees, chokeslamming two of them. Unfortunately, the refs didn't lift their legs up in the air at all, and their falls looks very, very painful. You'd think someone would have given them some tips.
Stone Cold is looking for Too Cool. Yeah, you heard me.
Have you guys seen that commercial for Spider-Man: The Game? And the mom comes into the bedroom looking for her son, and he's all spidey-stuck to the ceiling? And she's all, "Jim? Jim?" Every single time I hear that, it sounds exactly like my own mother saying, "Kim? Kim?" and I look up for a second. Every single time. You'd think I'd be over it by now.
Jerry O'Connell is ringside. This can't be good for his career. I actually made a joke in my Gideon's Crossing recap earlier this week that Jeremy London was going to show up on Smackdown this week. Not too far off, was I?
Stone Cold questions Scotty Too Hotty about Rikishi, and Scotty says that he hasn't seen him, and had no idea about Rikishi's actions. Stone Cold moves on to Sexay, who calls him "G." I guess Stone Cold didn't like that, because he punches Sexay in the head. What, no Stunner?
The Rock paces while waiting for his match to start. Val "Thirty-One Flavors, Guaranteed To Satisfy" Venis does push-ups in preparation for same. Stephanie and Kurt stop off and give Val a little pep talk.
Val Venis comes to the ring, accompanied by Steven Richards. Val is announced as weighing 244 lbs., which cracks me up. Usually, these guys "weigh" nice even numbers that end in a five or a zero. Where's Crash Holly and his scale when you need him? After The Rock comes out, Kurt Angle and Stephanie decide to hang out at the top of the ramp for the match. With all the money the McMahon family has, you'd think they could buy Stephanie some pants that fit. Angle tries to throw some doubt on The Rock's interview earlier, saying that he doesn't believe that The Rock had no knowledge of what Rikishi did. The Rock heads up the ramp to take umbrage to that statement, but Venis catches him from behind, throws him back in the ring, and it's on. After a few near falls, Val Venis gets a sleeper hold on The Rock, and if there's a more boring "move" in professional wrestling, I don't know what it is. Oh wait, I do -- the Crippler Crossface. Anyway, of course The Rock gets out of it. Steven Richards gets involved, and for someone who is so concerned with things like order, and everything being in its proper place, you'd think he could keep his shirt tucked in for ten minutes. There are many, many, many near falls. The Rock ultimately gets the pin, as we all knew he would. As if Val Venis is going to win the WWF Championship. On Smackdown. Please. Angle and Stephanie run into the ring. The Rock is about the give Stephanie the Rock Bottom, but Angle hits him with a low blow. Angle takes advantage of a weakened Rocky by hitting him with two Olympic Slams, and then holding The Rock's arms back so that Stephanie can slap him across the face. These two actually make pretty good heels. They certainly annoyed me. I think it's good that someone figured out that Triple H was becoming increasingly likeable. The team of Angle and Stephanie could gloat their way right to the top.