Previously in the WWF: Stephanie caused Triple H to lose a chance at the WWF title when she got attacked by Chris Benoit and had to be saved. Triple H then turned his back and walked out on Stephanie, leaving her blubbering in the ring. Commissioner Foley told Stone Cold that his investigation couldn't interfere in any matches. Stone Cold promptly administered the Stunner to everyone in sight. Foley said he had to either fine or suspend Austin, but before Foley could announce his decision, Austin gave HIM the Stunner. Then he drank a lot of beers.
Mad props to my man, J-Dawg.
The Hardy Boyz enter the ring, accompanied by Lita. Did you know that the Hardys' mom died when they were very young, and they taught themselves to sew, and now they make their own costumes? Aw, they're so cute. I love me some Hardys, from the tops of their greasy hair right down to the bottom of their little spats. We see that on RAW, Lita and Jacqueline had a brawl all through the backstage area that culminated with Lita doing a moonsault off the hood of a tractor-trailer, and then getting sprayed by a fire extinguisher courtesy of Jacqueline. So, the Hardys and Lita will be taking on Lo-Down and Jacqueline. Lo-Down, for those of you who (like me) don't watch Sunday Night Heat, consists of D-Lo Brown and Chaz (formerly Headbanger Mosh). I haven't seen D-Lo in a while -- he's put on some weight, and not it a good way. He's working a bit of a gut, there. This is (as announcers Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler remind us about a million times) an intergender tag-team match, meaning anyone can fight anyone, regardless of gender. Man, look at D-Lo's love handles. Dude, put down the fork and push away from the table. At one point, Jeff Hardy tags in and executes a flip over the top rope. Can he just walk in like anyone else? Then, Jeff executes some sort of twisting moonsault-type move that was pretty freaking cool. When Lita finally gets her turn against Jacqueline, she totally botches a spear, and executes some lame-looking punches. Lita and the Hardys do a triple-DDT on Jacquie and D-Lo. Jeff Hardy immediately goes flying over the top rope and lands on top of Chaz outside the ring. D-Lo goes out to help Chaz, and Matt Hardy follows him. Lita takes advantage of being alone in the ring with Jacqueline and totally flubs a moonsault on Jacqueline. Like, Jacquie was really close to the turnbuckle, and Lita landed about halfway across the ring so that only her arms were touching Jacqueline. Good thing Smackdown is taped, huh? D-Lo runs into the ring (which is suspiciously empty of referees) and slams Lita to the mat, then throws Jacqueline on top of her. Now, of course, the ref reappears and counts the pin. Your winners -- Lo-Down and Jacqueline. After the match, Jeff goes to give D-Lo the Swanton Bomb but Chaz interferes, and then Lo-Down do their finishing move, appropriately named "The Low Down." Seriously, though -- D-Lo is jiggling all over the place.
Mick Foley is waiting for Stone Cold to arrive, and he looks worried!
The Lugz Boot of the Week, which is never any move that involves boots or feet in any way, is Stone Cold giving out Stunners left, right and center. Yee-haa!
William "Steven" Regal joins the announcers ringside to welcome Al Snow, the European Champion. This week, Snow is representing Transylvania. He's wearing a cape and vampire fangs, and has a mechanical bat hovering over his head that is actually pretty cool. He's also carrying a box of Count Chocula, and a framed picture of Eddie Munster. As a nice added touch, both Snow and Head have the Eddie Munster widow's peak. Could we lose "William Regal"? He's not funny. Al Snow? Funny. Jerry Lawler? Funny. William Regal? Not funny. I'm just going to ignore him for the rest of the segment. Believe me, you're not missing anything. Oh, God. The WWF just hates me today. Snow's opponent is X-Pac, and the title is on the line. The fans are chanting "X-Pac Sucks!" That cheered me up a little. Now if only William Regal would stop talking. X-Pac missed the Bronco Buster! Yay! Al Snow goes to hit X-Pac with Head, misses, and falls out of the ring and onto the announcers' table. In the confusion that follows, Billy Gunn comes running down the ramp (dressed as Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter, for some reason) and gives X-Pac the FameAsser. Then, he just runs back out. Snow covers X-Pac for the pin and retains his title. The announcers remind us that DX are the ones who injured Gunn in the first place, causing him to be out for months, in case you were wondering why he interfered. As if the WWF needs a reason for someone to interfere in a match.
Foley is pacing in the parking garage. A limo pulls in, and Foley approaches it hopefully, but it's not Stone Cold. It's Stephanie, and she appears to be alone.
Linda McMahon, Mick Foley, The Rock, Lita, Al Snow, Jeff Hardy, and Matt Hardy all went to a rally in Washington D.C. last week to register the voters. They reiterate that Gore and Bush have been invited to debate on Smackdown, in order to reach a large, young audience. Yeah, that's gonna happen. Dream on. I do have to confess something: Jeff Hardy is hot. I used to have a big crush on him. Then I went to his website and I read some of his "poetry." Y'all, he is cheesy. His favorite song was like "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Poison or some shit. So we had to break up. But he was looking good at that rally, Rainbow Brite hair and all. Now you know my shameful secret.
Right To Censor come down the ramp. We see a flashback to earlier this week, when R.T.C. burned copies of Playboy with Chyna on the cover. Michael Cole asks Jerry Lawler if it reminds him of a Salem witch-hunt, which makes absolutely no sense. Lawler doesn't know what Cole is talking about either. R.T.C.'s opponents will be Eddie Guerrero (who is accompanied by Chyna) and the Acolytes. So they're back to being the Acolytes and not the APA? Who can keep track of these things? This match is so boring that for the first five minutes, the announcers talk about everything but the action in the ring. Nobody cares about R.T.C. Nobody. Except Vince McMahon, who probably giggles to himself over how subtle a portrayal of the Parents' Television Council it is. Whatever, dude. I mean, he's the billionaire, not me, so who am I to judge? After much battling, Eddie Guerrero tries to jump off the top turnbuckle and do...something. The Good Father (it pains me to even type that) catches him in midair and slams him to the ground, pinning him for the victory. Chyna starts beating on Steven Richards. The Good Father gets involved, but the Acolytes come over and help Chyna out, and R.T.C. leave the ring area. Did Bull Buchanan even get into the match? And why is he wearing that thing on his head?
Triple H arrives and wonders what Stephanie is doing there, since he told her to stay in the hotel. Stephanie says that he can't tell her what to do. I half-expected her to say, "You're not the boss of me!" and stick her tongue out at him. Triple H tells her that she is a target when she is at ringside, and gives numerous examples. They argue over whether Stephanie cost Triple H a shot at the title. Triple H tells her that they have to be able to separate business from personal, and that business-wise, she is a liability to him when she is ringside. Stephanie gets all offended and says she's going back to the hotel. Triple H throws up his hands in frustration. Would these two just break up already?
Back from commercial, Tazz's music starts up. He gets to the ring and says that he's reserving his comments for "his show," Sunday Night Heat (which is now live, apparently). Lawler says that Tazz "couldn't entertain a thought." Hee! Tazz introduces Raven. Hey, I know I'm staying up late to write this recap, but is it dawn already? What's with the birds -- oh, it's Raven's music. Caw! Caw! So sad. We are shown that two weeks ago, Raven helped Tazz defeat Buh Buh Ray Dudley. Raven gets on the microphone and makes fun of the city of Baltimore for "naming their third-rate football team after [him]" and finishes with his catch phrase, "What about me? What about Raven?" God, I am tired of him already, and he's only been around for like two weeks. Anyway, their opponents will be the Dudley Boyz. Please let there be tables in Raven's future. Hey, it's an all-ECW alumni match! Again, the announcers don't even bother to call the boring match, instead gossiping like a couple of old ladies about Stephanie and Triple H's relationship. Things with the match get kind of complicated (and it's actually fairly well-choreographed), but suffice it to say that the Dudleys end up knocking out both Raven and Tazz with the ring bell. Then the ref signals for the bell to end the match, but there's no bell! That cracked me up. Tazz and Raven are declared the winners by disqualification. The Dudleys don't let that prevent them from putting Raven through a table. Lawler says, "Raven, nevermore!" You knew it was coming.
Stone Cold has arrived! And he's walking! Through the parking garage! Foley loses it in his makeshift office, and starts tossing stuff around. The sad part is that his makeshift office was in some sort of jail cell, and Mick was supposed to stomp out of there in a rage, but he couldn't fit through the door, and had to turn sideways. It kind of ruined the effect.
Stephanie stomps out to her limo, but pauses before getting in.
Mick Foley stops at the top of the ramp and motions for someone to follow him out. It's a phalanx of police officers, and they follow him down to the ring. Aw, I want goofy Mick back! I don't like serious Mick. Foley gets into the ring and starts to make an announcement that he claims no one is going to like, but is interrupted by the arrival of Stone Cold. The two stare each other down in the ring. Stone Cold demands to know if Foley found the man who ran him down at Survivor Series. Foley finally admits he hasn't. Stone Cold tells Foley to spit out his big announcement. Foley says that he only took the job as commissioner on two conditions: that he get to have fun, and that no one take their aggressions out on him, since he's retired. But now he says, "Not only is my job not fun; my job sucks!" Foley says he has been on Austin's side, and Austin leaves him no choice. Austin says that fun for him would be finding the man that hit him and "torturing him like that dog that he is." Foley only got a Stunner by "being in the wrong place at the wrong time." Austin admits that is as close to an apology as Foley will get from him. Austin says that before he got hurt, he "ate, drank and slept the World Wrestling Federation." Yuck. I imagine that tastes like sweat. Anyway, now Austin eats, drinks and sleeps revenge. Which I imagine tastes, well, bitter. Story time begins as Stone Cold spins a little yarn about how he went to his mailbox every day for a year, and there was no paycheck inside, but there were always bills. Austin appeals to the crowd, asking them for a "Hell, yeah!" and concludes by saying he's not going to change for anybody. Foley reminds Austin of their early years together as wrestlers, and says he was planning on giving Austin a small fine so Foley could save face with "the boys in the back." But then Austin had to go after Foley physically, so Foley has no choice but to "suspend [him] indefinitely." Austin looks like he's trying not to laugh (in real life, not in this scenario), but he asks Foley to reconsider. Foley says the answer is no. Austin says that he now has no alternative and STUNNER! Okay, seriously? That was good acting. I was completely sucked in. I could have watched two hours of those old friends yelling at each other. Austin walks back up the ramp followed by the cops, and commercial.
After the commercial, they show Austin giving Foley the Stunner twice. Lawler tells us that Austin was escorted out of the building by the cops. The announcers recap everything we saw before the commercial. I think they are trying to spin it so that no one sees either Austin OR Foley as the heel in this situation, which is interesting from a strategic standpoint. I know that Foley said in an interview that he didn't want to be turned into a heel before the holidays, because he has a children's book coming out. Or maybe he made that up.
Anyway, Kurt Angle comes out and discusses how he will beat the WWF Title Holder at the No Mercy Pay Per View. Then he makes fun of Cal Ripken, calling him a "washed-up, over-the-hill has-been who is playing with a bunch of losers." Need I remind you that this is being filmed in Baltimore? Angle introduces his partners for this match, Edge and Christian. Isn't it funny how the camera still does the "searching the crowd" thing when their music hits, even though they come in down the ramp now? It cracks me up every time. Angle, Edge, and Christian will be taking on Too Cool and Rikishi. The announcers call the match at the beginning, but then start gossiping some more about Foley and Austin. Rikishi stacks Angle, Edge, and Christian in the corner, and then lets Grandmaster Sexay do the big butt bump. (Does that move have a real name? You know what I'm talking about.) Then Rikishi does a butt bump of his own. Scotty Too Hotty comes in and hits The Worm on poor Christian, who also took the brunt of Rikishi's butt. Angle is left alone in the corner, and gets the Stinky Face. Just as Grandmaster Sexay is set to do the Hip Hop Drop on Angle for the win, Stephanie comes running down the ramp (and she really should rethink that halter top if she's going to be running) and pushes Sexay off, allowing Angle to get the Olympic Slam and the win. Hmm, what is Stephanie doing? Please let this storyline be resolved at the Pay Per View. Please.
Stephanie walks up to Triple H backstage, and he is all, "What the hell was that?" She reminds him that she can be helpful to him in the ring, and that they got together in the first place because she is a McMahon. She grew up in the business and knows a lot about it, and she helped Kurt in order to prove that to her husband. Triple H says she could have been hurt again. Stephanie says, "Hunter, the only thing that is hurting me...is you!" Ooh, burn! She walks out. This is better than Passions!
Steve Blackman comes out to defend his Hardcore Title against Albert, who is accompanied by scary Trish Stratus. Albert is a big, big fella. And I'm glad he's taken to wearing a shirt, because his hairy back used to confuse and frighten me. Blah bling blah, this match is just filler. At one point, Albert gets knocked out, and Trish tries to "seduce" Blackman to distract him. Blackman sprays her with a fire extinguisher and she falls to the ground. Hee! Blackman eventually jumps from the top turnbuckle and cracks Albert in the skull with a stick, and then gets the pin.
Kurt Angle stops Stephanie as she is walking to her limo. He kisses her butt, basically saying everything she said to her husband, then asks her if she will accompany him to ringside on a permanent basis. She says she'll think about it, and thanks him. He opens the limo door for her. Okay, cut. Cut the scene! We watch the limo pull out for about ten minutes, it seems like.
Montage of all the media coverage Chyna is getting because of Playboy. Plug for WWF New York.