Previously in the WWF: Stone Cold vowed to find the man who ran him down with a car. His investigation techniques consisted of administering a beatdown accompanied by a strobe light. Ow! My eyes! Many Stunners were handed out. Stone Cold said that "everyone is guilty until proven innocent." Shane McMahon interfered in various matches between The Rock and Chris Benoit. Triple H stuck his big nose in where it didn't belong, and ended up costing Benoit the match. Then, Kurt Angle started beating on Triple H, and Stephanie defended her husband. Ultimately, Benoit head butted Stephanie, and Angle refused to help her. Is their "friendship" over?
Credits. I could really do without the shot of Rikishi's posterior. ["No kidding. That guy could have a second career as a dietary aid." -- Sars]
Smackdown! is in Pittsburgh, PA. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler wonder if Stone Cold will successfully complete his investigation this week. Mick Foley's music hits, and he enters the ring as the announcers wonder what Foley's role is in the investigation, since he's Commissioner and all. Lawler compares Foley to Barney Fife. Foley looks like he ate Barney Fife! Mick addresses the audience, reminding them of his historic "Hell In A Cell" match, which took place in Pittsburgh (cheap pop). Foley thinks it's great that Stone Cold is back, but he disagrees with Austin's investigative means, e.g. giving out Stunners. Foley warns Austin that he has to play by the Commissioner's rules or else. Chris Benoit comes out as the announcers wonder if he's going to assault the Commissioner right there -- because he's craaazy. They are pushing this "Rabid Wolverine" thing so hard, and I'm just not buying it. Whatever. Benoit gets on the microphone, saying that Foley is a terrible Commissioner, and has "completely lost control." Benoit says he had The Rock beat, but in the WWF, it's "not aboot [sic] who is the better wrestler" (hee! He's Canadian!), or Foley would have retired a long time ago. Um, isn't Foley retired? I don't know why I expect these speeches to make any sense. Anyway, Benoit demands a match with The Rock with no outside interference. It takes Benoit about twenty minutes to say so. Yap, yap, yap. Shut up, Benoit!
Benoit finally wraps it up, just in time for "Pittsburgh's own Kurt Angle" to enter the ring. Angle kisses up to Foley while rolling his eyes behind Mick's back. Angle suggests a match between himself and Triple H, because his "hometown fans" deserve it. The crowd cheers. Angle goes on to say that all of the sports teams in Pittsburgh suck, "and that is true." I think the crowd was supposed to turn on him here, but they cheer him instead. Angle says that many of the people in the crowd are "out on bail just to see [him] and that is true." Angle goes on to rip on Benoit for physically attacking Stephanie, the daughter of the owner, and demands that Foley fine and suspend Benoit. Benoit calls Angle a clown, and Angle asks why, if Benoit is "the best damn wrestler in the business," he doesn't have any gold medals. Jerry Lawler points out that "we all know Canadians don't win gold medals." Ha! I love Jerry Lawler. As an announcer, not a wrestler, though.
Foley declares that Angle and Benoit will take on The Rock and Triple H in a tag-team match, "right here in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania." Angle shows his dissatisfaction by attacking Benoit, and about a million refs pile out to break it up. Where do all these refs come from? There are like three refs that actually officiate. I think the rest of them are just fans that get plucked out of the cheap seats to fill in at moments like these. As we go to commercial, Austin arrives at the arena, looking for X-Pac and Road Dogg.
Back from commercial, Austin finds X-Pac and Road Dogg in a locker room. He pumps them for information about his attacker. They claim they don't know anything, and they were just "following orders from Hunter." Austin tells Road Dogg that if he's lying, Austin will "harvest [his] little cornrows." Ha! Road Dogg's hairstyle is lame. I wish Austin had made fun of X-Pac instead, though. I hate X-Pac.
Lita, the current Woman's Champion, comes out to the ring, as the announcer says she will be taking on Jacqueline. Before the match begins, Lita introduces the new WWF Tag Team Champions, the Hardy Boyz. You know, I used to harbor a little crush on Jeff Hardy, but he is so incredibly cheesy, even for the WWF, that I had to let it go. Nice red velvet pants, dude. I'm glad they won the belts, though. Jacqueline comes out with Edge and Christian. Jacqueline scares me, even more than your average wrestler. At least they are finally having actual wrestling matches between women now, instead of using them as excuses to have the women take their clothes off. Lita executes a splendid moonsault off the top rope, but some fighting by the boys outside the ring distracts the ref. Finally, Lita gets a Twist of Fate off and retains the title. Lita and the Hardys do some sort of bizarro Three Musketeers thing at the top of the ramp. I think they had better work on that one.
When we come back from commercial, we find out that, "recently," Mick Foley, The Rock, and Chyna posed for a poster promoting literacy. Um, recently? Why does Foley have shoulder-length hair then, instead of his current buzz cut? Whatever.
Road Dogg comes out carrying a garbage can and does his usual schtick. Before he can get through the whole speech, Steve Blackman's "music" (can you call drumbeats music?) hits and the announcer tells us this will be a Hardcore Championship match. Multiple garbage cans are used on various skulls. The announcers keep commenting on how quick Blackman is, like we get it, already! Besides, my grandmother is quick compared to the Road Dogg. The wrestlers battle their way out of the ring and into the lobby. This would all seem a lot less contrived if there weren't security guards already out there to keep the fans out of the way. Zzz. Could this match be any more boring? Whoo! Suddenly, Stone Cold comes out of nowhere and smacks Road Dogg with a chair! Apparently, Austin was making a call in a nearby phone booth, and took advantage of opportunity. Blackman sees Road Dogg on the ground, covers him, and retains the title.
Trish Stratus (whose breasts look painful) tries to recruit Kane to join Test and Albert in a match. Kane says he's not impressed by Trish's "mammary glands" (as Trish feels her neck, confusedly) and turns her down. When Trish mentions that their opponents would be Too Cool and Rikishi, Kane suddenly becomes interested, due to his rivalry with Rikishi. Kane accepts the challenge. Dude, Kane is huge.
We see a series of clips of the WWF Divas doing a photo shoot in Manhattan. So sorry I missed that one. Sars, you could've gone! ["Seriously. Didn't they have that shoot at the Garden? Because that's pretty near my apartment." -- Sars]
Tazz comes down to the ring, as Lawler discusses how Raven came out of nowhere to assist Tazz in an attack on Lawler earlier this week. Tazz pretends to berate Lawler, while in actuality promoting Sunday Night Heat on MTV. Tazz will be a member of the announce team, which he refers to as "The A-Team." Then, Tazz introduces Raven, who looks like Eddie Vedder circa 1992, if he spent a few weeks as a homeless person. Raven says he's aligned himself with Tazz because they have both suffered. Lawler says that Tazz is only on "the A-Team" in that he looks like "the illegitimate, retarded son of Mr. T." The crowd loves that one. Lawler asks Raven if "the bag lady knows that [Raven] has her clothes!" Oh, God. That was bad even for the WWF. Raven babbles a lot about the bourgoisie, and even uses the word "ilk." Chris Jericho arrives on the scene. Good. I hope he kicks ass and takes names. He comes out and tells Tazz and Raven to "shut the hell up." Yes! Thank God! He tells them that all the physical abuse he has taken in the past few weeks is nothing compared to the pain of listening to their boring speeches. Hee! I love Jericho. Finally, Jericho gets Tazz and Raven to agree to a tag-team match against Lawler and Jericho and it starts immediately. Luckily, Lawler wore his wrestling gear beneath his customary robe! What forethought! Then it kind of ends. I guess the actual match comes later.
Lillian Garcia asks Triple H how he feels about teaming up with his former rival, The Rock. That's fine, but I'm totally distracted by the wallpaper behind them. It looks like little kids smeared engine grease in a random pattern. What the hell is that? Oh, Triple H basically says he knows Rock can do the job, as long as he keeps his ego in check.
Too Cool and Rikishi approach the ring with their female friends. Do those women even have an official name? I think they have names like Cyndi or something, but I don't know what they really are, and I'm too lazy to look it up. Oh, Lawler just called them "Mandy and Victoria." Whatever. Test and Albert come down the ramp, accompanied by Trish "Butt Cleavage" Stratus. Finally, Kane arrives, with pyrotechnics galore. I love these matches where everyone has to have their own prolonged entrance with music and everything. The entrances take about three times longer than the actual match. Lawler continues to make lascivious remarks about Trish Stratus, like keep it in your pants, Jerry. Ooh! Test is wearing silver leather pants. How glamorous! Much drama is made of Test and Albert's refusal to tag Kane into the ring. This match is so boring that the announcers don't even watch it, choosing to talk instead about Chyna's pictorial in Playboy. Have I mentioned how offended I was by Chyna's big promotion of her layout on RAW? I have no problem with her posing in Playboy, if she so chooses. I don't even have a huge problem with the WWF mentioning it on their shows. I mean, the WWF is all about cross-promotion -- that's why they're so successful. But did they need to take twenty minutes out to have Chyna discuss it, accompanied by two giant blow-ups of the cover? I know it was 10 PM on cable, but a lot of kids watch the WWF, and I just thought it crossed a line somehow. Oh yeah, the match. Kane eventually gets in and battles Rikishi for a while, and just as he is about to get the choke slam, Test blind-tags in and takes over. Kane gets pissed and leaves, while Rikishi takes advantage of the confusion and gets the pin and the win for his team. Then, there is dancing in the ring. Okay, this is seriously old. I used to love the dancing and all, but they've been doing the same routine for almost a year. Hire a new choreographer, or cut it out.
When we get back from commercial, we get to see exclusive behind-the-scenes footage of Chyna at her Playboy shoot. They all try to pretend like they wanted to shoot Chyna because she's so beautiful and such a superstar, when we all know that they really wanted to because she is a freak of nature. I have to say, she does look pretty in the outtakes they show. As long as they don't show her freakishly implanted breasts, they're doing okay.
Now it's time for Lawler's tag-team match, outlined earlier. Lawler is already in the ring, and Jericho makes his way down the ramp. Tazz comes out with that towel on his head. I don't get that. Can someone explain that to me? Then we get to hear Raven's new music, and it's all "Caw! Caw!" Ha! Am I supposed to be intimidated by that? Oh, no! It's a giant...raven! Nevermore! Nevermore! Hee hee. Michael Cole tries to call the match by himself, and I miss Lawler's interruptions. Why do they put Lawler in the ring? He looks sad and he can't wrestle anymore. I guess he's so popular that pitting someone against him makes the crowd hate the opponent. Why does Raven have a hanky hanging out of his back pocket? This match is raising a lot of questions for me. Jericho ultimately gets Raven into the Walls of Jericho, only to have X-Pac come out and interrupt. This sets up a DDT from Raven on Jericho, and the pin for the victory. After the match is officially over, Tazz, Raven, and X-Pac beat on Lawler and Jericho. The Dudley Boyz come out and chase away the bad guys.
Kevin Kelley asks The Rock how he feels about teaming up with Triple H. The Rock calls Kelley "Hermie" after the elf in Rudolph. Ha! The Rock doesn't want to team with Triple H because The Rock doesn't like Triple H and The Rock doesn't trust Triple H. But The Rock respects Triple H's work ethic. The Rock promises to "layeth the smacketh down on all the candy-asses. If you smell what The Rock is cooking!" I know it doesn't make any sense. Just go with it. Everyone loves The Rock. Resistance is futile. And admittedly, he is pretty funny, even if he speaks in sentence fragments.
Chyna and Eddie Guerrero come down the ramp. The announcers discuss Playboy some more, like we get it! Chyna's in Playboy! God. Steven Richards and Val Venis, collectively known as "Right To Censor," come out. Apparently, they want to censor Chyna's body by getting her to wear a full-length bathrobe. The announcers go on and on about "freedom of expression." I'm all for freedom of expression, but I really wish Val Venis wouldn't wear a white dress shirt with white pants. He looks like an ice cream man. Is this even an official match? Steven Richards battles Chyna in the ring, but eventually Chyna fights back. As Richards sits groggily in the corner, Chyna removes her top and pants, revealing her fetching rose-colored bra and panties. Well, they would be fetching on someone else. Chyna gets the pin.
Mick Foley is playing checkers against a stuffed animal. Just work with me here, people. I don't create the storylines -- I just recap them. Some British guy comes up and claims that Stone Cold assaulted him on RAW. Oh yeah. This guy started quoting Shakespeare in the middle of the ring, and Austin came out and knocked him down. Foley claims that the guy went wrong in quoting Hamlet, when he should have quoted Henry VIII, because that's Austin's favorite. Foley drops some Shakespeare science on the guy, but Brit Guy says that Austin and the guys backstage all think that Foley is a joke, and they don't have any respect for him. Ooh, hit a sore spot there. Foley vows to show them he's not a joke.
Register to vote! Stephanie McMahon says so. I do think it's admirable that the WWF is registering voters, though. It's just funny to see Stephanie tell me I should vote.
Foley comes out and sets up a chair at the top of the ramp, and sits in it. Then Al Snow's music starts. This week, Snow (the European champion) is representing France. He comes out with a French poodle, wearing a beret, carrying a loaf of French bread and some French fries. ["'And to drink...Peru!'" -- Sars] He presents Lawler with a picture of Pepe LePew. Hee! Al Snow is funny. His opponent will be X-Pac. Have I mentioned that I hate X-Pac? I really, really, really do. My friend Justin calls him "the Neon Gnome." X-Pac grabs the picture of Pepe Lepew and smashes it. Ooh, you're such a man. I'm heartened to hear the "X-Pac Sucks!" chant start up in the crowd. Throughout the match, they show Foley sitting at the top of the ramp, and boy, he has gained weight since he retired. Just as X-Pac starts his trademark jig around the ring, Austin's music starts. Foley stands up to prevent Austin from getting to the ring, but Austin comes in through the crowd instead of down the ramp. He quickly administers Stunners to X-Pac and Al Snow, and then to the ref for good measure. Hee! I love the Stunner. I never get tired of it. Foley looks defeated. Austin calls for two beers, then walks up the ramp. When Foley tries to talk it to him, Austin just keeps walking. Michael Cole nearly has an apoplectic fit over Stone Cold "spitting in the face of authority."
Triple H and The Rock discuss their upcoming match. Their faces are so close that I think they're about to start making out! Ooh, it's so tense and homoerotic. I love it!
After like the tenth promo for Sunday Night Heat, Kurt Angle makes his way to the ring for the main event. We're reminded that Angle and Benoit, partners in this match, turned on each other earlier tonight. Benoit ambles down to the ring. We're reminded that Benoit headbutted Stephanie on RAW. Triple H, accompanied by his lovely bride, pours water over himself before walking down the ramp. As soon as Triple H gets into the ring, Benoit and Angle attack. Finally, The Rock makes it down to the ring as well, and the match officially begins. Benoit and Angle argue over who should start, and Benoit eventually tosses Angle into the ring to take on Triple H. After many near-falls, Benoit threatens Stephanie outside the ring, and Angle protects her. Triple H throws Benoit into the announcers' table. The Rock throws Angle into the announcers' table. It becomes a battle to see who can throw their opponents more fiercely, and it's actually pretty funny. Eventually, Rock gets Angle into the ring and makes to smack him with a chair, but Stephanie stops him first. Hey, isn't she supposed to be on her husband's side? Exactly. Rock is so stunned that he allows Angle to pin him for the win as Benoit and Triple H trade blows outside. Stephanie tries to look innocent as Angle celebrates the victory and the announcers wonder what's going on. What is going on? Tune in week to find out.