The Dogs of War

Shout-out to hughster.

Sunday, 11:34 PM. Hour 24. The camera's on the screeching tires of a big shiny black car as it pulls into a covered parking lot that's fairly deserted. The chauffeur parks, John Spencer gets out, and walks over to another car. He's got a secret meeting with a new agent he's hoping can somehow get him off this show and onto a better one before it turns into ER: DC. Whoops, too late. Leo meets with Angela Blake from New York, apologizing for the "Foggy Bottom theatrics." I had to keep getting up during this scene to turn up the sound (remote's broken), trying to hear the dialogue over all the background noise. I'm not sure why I bothered, because I think the sound people have been instructed to make everyone as hard as possible to hear, so we won't notice that the dialogue's become as thin and weak as a Bush administration excuse. Angela reminds me a bit of CCH Pounder. She tells him that Bartlet's approval rating is at 76%, but in ten days, that will plummet. She explains that, right now, people are pulling for him because he lost his daughter, but in two weeks they'll be tired of pulling for the President. Leo points out the fine upstandingness of Bartlet's gesture. Angela knows that only plays for so long: "Our guy quit when things got tough." They discuss Josh's desire to poll. Angela says that the White House can't get caught polling. Leo just looks at her significantly until she grasps her secret mission. His face says, "You know what to do," but his eyes say, "Pleasepleaseplease get me out of here. I will pay you cash money." Angela will call Leo when it's done. She needs pictures of Bartlet on the phone with world leaders, looking resolute and Presidential. Leo says Bartlet won't do it. Angela tells Leo to stop with all the friendship and loyalty and get with the program of managing public perception. People need to believe when Bartlet comes back that he'll be able to govern the country even if he can't keep his own family safe: "They need to know he is willing to sacrifice his own child's life for his country." Leo: "Would you be?" Angela: "I wasn't stupid enough to run for President." Leo walks back to his car as Angela adds, "If she dies...his approval ratings go through the roof." See, there's always a silver lining. Leo regards that fact with seriousness as the music swells.

Monday, 6:00 AM. Weird overhead shot of Leo's office. He's sitting at his desk, ruminating. Hour 30. The camera drifts across his hand, and we see that Leo's still wearing his wedding ring. Leo looks very grave, indeed. Margaret busts in to announce that Secretary Berryhill's here. Leo tells her to wait two minutes and then bring in the Ambassador. In walks William Devane, and much as I try, he will always be Knots Landing's Greg Sumner to me. Devane either has a deal with devil, or he's had major work done, because he's aged about the same amount as Rob Lowe has over the last twenty years. Leo says, "Hi, Will." "Will"? Will Berryhill? Will, as in, we already have a major character on this show named "Will"? "Will" as in William Devane? How much energy did they expend naming this character? Seriously: look into acquiring and using a baby name book. Bookstores and libraries are full of 'em. Or hey, grab a phone book and flip through it. Offices are full of 'em. Berryhill asks when "it" starts. Leo's waiting for word from Funkmaster Funky Fitz. Berryhill: "Doesn't it remind you a little of the Japanese on December 7?" Leo can't believe Berryhill wants the U.S. to warn its enemies. Berryhill: "I didn't want us to do it in the first place." Here's as good a place as any to say: Way to go on including Elisabeth Moss's name in the credits. That didn't give anything away.

Margaret brings in the guy who must be the Qumari Ambassador. We don't get a name, but it's just as well, since most of the Arabic names they make up on this show are unconvincing. Isn't this a different guy than the one who played the Qumari Ambassador before? Oh, who can tell all those people apart, anyway. Nameless Qumari Official expresses the Crown Prince's outrage over the brutal assassination of Shareef (his cousin), in addition to his sadness over the events of the last two days. He asks that Leo convey their sympathy to the Bartlet family and tell them that all Qumaris are praying for them. Then NQO and Leo start arguing about whether Qumar is behind the abduction and threats, each side levelling the standard accusations and issuing the standard denials. Boy, one never gets tired of this. Frink and I have a little chuckle over Leo saying "mullahs," which he pronounces "moo-laws," as we also try to place the accent of the actor playing NQO. Margaret comes in with a note for Leo, while Berryhill tells NQO, "You can't expect us to stand idly by while so many of your citizens are intent on murdering our citizens." NQO doesn't think the assassination of Shareef qualifies as "standing idly by." Leo stands up and announces, "We're bombing the Kazir training camps in Tumar and Lani." NQO is taken aback and asks, "When?" Leo, blithely: "Now." He adds that they're following it up with ground forces to detain and interrogate suspected terrorists. NQO gets up and bitterly says, "Thank you for informing us in such a timely manner." Before he leaves, he adds that Qumar's is one of the only governments in the region that is friendly to the U.S.; he adds that Qumar is growing "younger, poorer, and more radical every day." He asks, "If you undermine us, who do you think will take our place?" Some other quasi-pseudo-Arab state with an incredibly bogus name? But that could take months to think up! Let me help you out: I'll just use my amazing Ronco Verbomatic. It chops, it slices, it dices, it juliennes! Here you go: Gibraq, Khaudia, Shoobedoobestan, Abu-Fajjyi... One more: Enoughistan. As NQO leaves, he says, "Please, tell the President I have a daughter, too."

Josh has the most annoying cell-phone ring tone ever. Five notes into it and I'm already screaming in my head, "Shut it off!" Frink snorts, "As if Josh would have such an irritating, unprofessional ring tone." He also points out that he thinks that's a Nokia ring tone, but that Josh's phone isn't a Nokia. ["I would also point out that Josh has the same cell-phone ring tone as Derek Zoolander." -- Wing Chun] Josh is sleeping on the couch in what I think is his office when he's disturbed by the phone. Once we realize it's Amy, I figure Josh must have programmed his phone to ring that way specially when she calls so that he can be braced. He claims to be awake and to have read the papers and showered. He asks her to hang on for a second, puts the phone down, puts his shoes on, and rubs his hands so vigorously through his hair that you think he was trying to scrub his scalp. His hairstyle doesn't change at all. Frink: "Man, he has the best hair for that." While the phone's on the table, you can just vaguely hear Amy nattering in the background. It's as if she never heard Josh ask her to hang on. Why can I hear just enough of a voice on a cell phone to ascertain it's Amy, but not half of the rest of the show?

Josh starts talking to Amy again as she apologizes for waking him up. As he opens his office door, he claims that he already went for a run. Naturally, she's standing there, talking to him on her phone. Amy, warmly and flirtatiously: "Nice track suit." Ew. Not these two again. It was tedious the first time around. What makes John Wells think it's going to go any better this time? ["The same perversity that makes him think Abby and Carter have white-hot chemistry?" -- Wing Chun] Amy actually looks very pretty here. She says Josh could have told her she woke him: "I wouldn't have thought less of you." She enters, and he says, "Sleeping is...lacks a certain masculine...whatever." Amy: "Your virility is tied to exhaustion?" Josh offers coffee; she brought some. Has Josh always had a coffee machine right in his office? I thought it was outside, near Donna's cubicle. Amy: "It's been a while, but I don't remember fatigue improving your..." Please, let's not have commentary on their sex life. He asks if she wants to go get something to eat in the Mess, but she's already brought food. Face it, Josh. There's no escape. She's thought of everything. Including what I thought was a pushup bra, but then someone on the forums reminded me that Mary-Louise Parker is pregnant. I guess that's why she looks less angular than usual. Josh wonders whether Amy has a freshly ironed shirt and a shower in her bag. How about a klieg light? You can't see squat on this show. Josh looks at the coffee Amy's brought him and asks, "Black?" At first, I think she says it's soy chai or whatever thing he drinks. First of all, Josh does not drink soy chai. Second, if he did, wouldn't he recognize it? I checked the closed captioning and what she says is that "that soy chai or whatever thing you drink is affecting your already addled brain." Whatever. To summarize: Josh does not drink soy chai. No, don't even try to spin that.

Amy asks Josh to stop staring at the TV and start staring at her newly puffy boobies. He asks if there's anything on Zoey. Apparently, the fatigue and soy chai have rendered him immune to her charms, such as they are. She asks whether he's seen the morning papers, and tells him they have a new Speaker: it's Haffley. Josh: "Oh, God, Haffley? He'll be passing out pelts and slabs of bison in the cloakroom." Amy says that apparently the GOP leadership is resuming its committee schedule tomorrow, whether Zoey's back or not. Josh: "Aside from adding to our nation's greenhouse gas problem, those committee hearings are meaningless." Amy has more good news: rumour has it that Steve Atwood has arranged for Walken to meet with Republicans today, minus any Democrats. Amy's trying to get Josh stirred up about the machinations of the current POTUS and his staff, but Josh is fixated on Haffley. Amy says that the Republicans are going to start legislating: "Partial birth, federal funding for family planning clinics..." Josh says that if Walken does anything by executive order, the Democrats will overturn it when Bartlet assumes office again. Amy: "A cheering thought to the women whose lives are ruined in the meantime." Josh admits they don't know when they'll be back. Amy: "If Walken's holding partisan pep rallies in the West Wing, leak it." Amy's phone or pager beeps, she reads the message on the screen and says, "Oh, God," and then turns to look at the TV, where viewers are being advised to stay tuned for breaking news from the White House.

Toby and Andi are at the hospital in some sort of bright yellow general waiting area, each holding one of the twins. I wouldn't think they'd have parents and their newborns hanging out in a common area, what with the germphobia that usually attends situations involving infants. Andi tells Toby, "You look good with a baby in your arms." Toby says that, actually, his arm's asleep. He gets up and walks around with Huck. Andi apologizes for what she said on Saturday. She says it's a beautiful house. I thought she was apologizing for all the hurtful things she said, not for rejecting the dream house. Toby wants her to have it anyway, for the kids. He doesn't want it. Which means I get it. Yay! He says she can't raise twins in a one-bedroom condo. Yeah, that's a really substandard upbringing. Andi softly says that she found a house on D Street. I guess she didn't get around to telling him that on Saturday, because obviously, she didn't do it after her water broke. Toby just looks resigned. Andi glances at the TV and asks, "Has something happened?" Why, yes! The voices and personalities of all the characters on this show have been abducted. Alert the FBI. Toby walks over to the TV where other patients are watching C.J. hold a press briefing.

C.J. announces that the U.S. has bombed three terrorist training camps in Qumar. We see Jed (wearing a short-sleeved, button-front shirt and looking not entirely comfortable in it) sitting on a couch, taking in the news. Abby's sitting in the room, too, though nowhere near Jed, and he glances at her. She doesn't look at him; she just looks resigned. As C.J. says that the mission has been completed, we see a shot of his other two daughters and Doug the son-in-law there in the room, too. What in God's name is the point of paying all these expensive actors to sit around and do absolutely nothing? They've got no lines or the thing to it; they have nothing to do; they barely react or emote. I really don't understand. Mind you, if the dialogue's going to be as weak and crappy as it was last week, it's just as well if people don't talk. But if people don't talk on this show, the talkiest damn show on TV, and they don't do anything...what the hell are we all doing here? Just making sure there's a good balance of carbon dioxide and oxygen in the room? We get a shot of the Sit Room, where Leo's watching the briefing. A reporter asks C.J. if Qumar is helping the U.S. bomb its training camps. No, really. C.J. explains that Ambassador Umar Yusef was notified about the mission, but that Qumar is not participating. Another reporter asks whether there's concern that the bombing may provoke the kidnappers to kill or otherwise harm Zoey. Oh, heavens no. That hasn't crossed anyone's mind. Cut back to the Residence, and a shot of Abby looking drained and swallowing hard. She gets up and leaves the room without a word. C.J. says she doesn't speak on behalf of the kidnappers, so she can't say what they'll do. Elizabeth gets up and follows her mother without a word. Somehow, Doug vanishes from the room, leaving Ellie there with Jed. She just gets up and exits through another door. Jed sits there looking grim. I wish I were making this up.

That whole scene took only two minutes. Two minutes to resolve a four-episode story arc, and I use the word "resolve" loosely. There are so many questions here I hardly know where to begin: who were the kidnappers? Were they professionals connected to the Qumari government, or was Nancy right -- were they just amateurs? What does the barn have to do with anything? How does it connect to finding Zoey? These guys kidnap the President's daughter, and they only have three people with her? One of whom is asleep? Are any of the abductors from the group of the five sleepers? Was there any other evidence in the house? And on and on -- I'm just scratching the surface here. Most importantly: how does this shit get past the producers? Oh wait, a producer wrote it. Well, there you go. I am amazed that a storyline that started with such a bang could end with such a pathetic, anticlimactic whimper. I felt almost nothing -- nothing! -- during this scene, other than a slight twinge when Abby called out Zoey's name. And I am someone who can cry at the drop of a hat. I am a crier, and I was all prepared to feel something here. What a dumsquizzling waste of dramatic potential. God, if you can't milk even something maudlin out of a scenario like that...I can't help you. I've had more moving encounters with my tax lawyer.

Jed's all suited up and ready for action again, as he walks confidently along the portico, followed by Josh and Toby. He enters the Oval Office, where Leo, Will, C.J., and Walken are waiting for him. C.J. looks sharp in a strong red suit. Jed approaches the desk and asks Mr. President whether he's "ready to do this." He is. Leo presents the letter, Jed signs it, and that's that. Leo and the Fab Four breathe regular again. Jed presents Walken with the fountain pen as a fabulous parting gift. Walken takes it, saying, "Hmm. Hmm." I can't really hear that, but the closed captioning says it, and they couldn't closed-caption it if it weren't true. Except, not. I think Walken actually means to say, "Aw, a pen? I wanted a ride on Air Force One." Anyway, POTUS shakes hands with King Ralph and asks if he's going to run again. Walken claims not to have decided. And if you believe that...well, nobody's taken me up on those gym socks yet. Jed: "If you do, let me know. I'll come campaign for you." Aw. Walken grins, "I'm not so sure that'd be a plus in my district, Mr. President." Which is what? Bedrock? Jed wonders if he'll stick around for the press conference. Ex-President Flintstone: "Thank you, Mr. President, but I think the nation's best served by seeing only one President at a time." Jed nods a tiny nod. Walken leaves, shaking Leo's hand as he goes. When he's at the door, Jed says, "Glen...thank you." Walken nods and leaves. Jed looks almost sad to see him go.

Toby says he has the final version of Bartlet's speech for him to review. Jed says he doesn't need it; he's going to use the "one from last night." Toby: "Last night, sir?" Jed tells Will that he made a few changes, and that he hopes Will won't mind. Of course he won't. Jed thanks everyone, and they leave. Jed asks C.J. how much time he has; she says they told the networks to be ready in ten minutes. C.J. asks if FLOTUS will be joining him; Jed says no: "She's at Walter Reed with Zoey." C.J. thanks him and leaves. Jed hands Leo the signed letter and Leo puts it in a folder. He asks if Jed would like them to get his speech on the TelePrompter for him. I'm surprised there isn't more of an effort to vet this speech. Nobody lets POTUS go out and speak publicly without vetting his remarks. Jed says it won't be necessary.

Back in Josh's office, Josh studies his bulletin board with pictures of potential VPOTUS candidates. Steve drops by to ask, "So who's the lucky winner?" Josh says POTUS hasn't decided. Steve asks whether Josh has a favourite. Josh repeats his answer. Donna sticks her head in to say, "They're gathering." She disappears again as Steve glances around and says, "Nice office." Josh smiles at him. Steve leaves. Josh wanders over to stand in front of Donna, as if to ask, without actually saying so, "Do I look all right?" Donna nods with a pleasant smile.

Outside the Oval Office, Toby, C.J., Leo, and Will wait for POTUS. Will: "Did we ever find those five Bahji sleepers?" Leo: "No." Hey, that's at least one question answered. Way to wrap that up. Josh arrives just as POTUS comes out of his office. C.J. goes off to handle the press conference, which is being held in the Rose Garden, and Jed asks where they are on VPOTUS. Leo says that they have several candidates, and they're waiting for Jed's decision. We hear C.J. announce POTUS, and he walks out to the sound of cameras snapping pictures. We hear the beginning of his speech as the rest of the staff members walk outside too. Jed: "'The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.' Words I did not fully understand until our daughter was taken away from us three days ago..."

Cut to Zoey's hospital room, where she's sleeping, hooked up to monitors. Charlie's there, as are her sisters and brother-in-law, watching POTUS on the monitor. Jed: "But now we can rejoice and be glad, for that which was lost has been found." I guess Jed poured his Bible into my Ronco Verbomatic and spun this speech out. I don't know if he's responsible for that mess, or Will is, or Toby is, but I hope it's not the latter two. You can't spend years making a big deal of what bad-ass speechwriters Toby and his staff are and then spew stuff like that. "That my child is back in her mother's arms is serendipity and grace. A second chance that will not slip through our hands again. I wish that I could tell you that there's some new policy, some new weapons system -- a silver bullet, perhaps -- that could meet this moment." The camera drifting around Zoey's room finally comes to rest on Abby's back. She's standing, turned away from everyone else, including her husband's image on the TV, staring out the window. "That I could keep us safe from the terror that's now among us. But if I were to say that, I'd be lying. All I can promise you is that I will fight with every fibre of my being, with every weapon in our arsenal, and with every ounce of God's grace, to keep us strong, and free, and safe." Abby looks extremely grave, and while you might think she's worrying about her family and the state of the world, or maybe even about leaving Jed (and frankly, she probably should), I'll tell you what's she really thinking: she's wondering what she has to do to get out of her contract with this show.