Swiss Diplomacy

Shout-outs to jlt and ML.

Well, it's the morning after the night before (not literally, although I thought so until the third or fourth quarter of the episode) and Bartlet sure is full of himself. I mean, even more than usual. He's walking along the portico into his office as C.J. quizzes him on how to respond to questions from the press. Leo's there, too, as are Charlie and various other assistants and flunkies. C.J. asks, "'Mr. President, how do you interpret the margin of victory?'" Jed replies, "Well, it looks like the American people are slightly nervous about having an actual scarecrow in office, and they'd rather gamble on four more years of me." No, he says that it's clear that the will of the people is for him to have and do anything he wants. She asks him what his legislative priority will be. Jed: "Well the President of Turkmenistan just officially extended the date of adolescence to twenty-five. So, things like that." Leo: "I think he also renamed the month of January after himself." So it's some variation on Saparmurat Niyazov? They're in the Oval Office now. Jed: "That's just greedy. Real power is knowing when to leave a little something on the table." Martin Sheen is...I don't know, weird somehow in this episode. Like he's playing himself playing Bartlet, or like it's an early first-season episode where the actors were still feeling out their characters, or something. And he sounds extra glib and pompous and arrogant at times in this one. Well, the whole episode is off, so just get used to it. C.J. presses the question, and Jed says, "Patients' Bill of Rights, prescription drugs, keeping the economy growing, find a surplus again, keep the surplus growing, use the surplus to build schools worthy of defending the military that Fitz and Hutchinson are gonna build to fight urban wars then pay the teachers some money..." Jed's zooming around the room looking in every drawer for something. A better script? Seriously, what the hell is everything after "use the surplus..." supposed to mean? I asked about this in the forums, and one imaginative soul (thanks, ML) suggested that what was meant was this: "[My priorities are to] use the surplus to build schools worthy of defending, [use the surplus on] the military that Fitz and Hutchinson are gonna build, [use the surplus] to fight urban wars, [and to] pay the teachers some [real] money." But for some reason, the line is delivered without any punctuation and just comes out sounding like gobbledegook.

Jed finally walks out into the secretarial area, C.J. on his heels complaining that she asked for one priority. Jed says, "It's a big country, Arnold," referring to the name of the reporter she's pretending to be. He bellows, "Debbie! Where the hell, first of all, are you, and where are my..." She comes zooming in off the portico, swaddled in a big red wrap, holding his glasses and saying he left them in the mansion. She hands them to him and admonishes him, "The Ipswich clams in Chesapeake Bay can hear you bellowing right now." Jed puts on his hoitiest, toitiest tone and declares, "Ipswich clams don't come from Chesapeake Bay, they come from Ipswich!" Debbie: "Not anymore." Jed wanders out into the hall, saying, "Have her beheaded for my birthday!" My God, it must be exhausting to work around someone like this. ["At least we know she's medicated." -- Wing Chun]

Jed runs into Toby in the hall, and they greet each other. Toby says he'll be asked how he feels about housing starts going down. Jed says he doesn't care, as long as he keeps this one. C.J. calls out, "'Sir, GDP growth is strong...'" Jed: "You bet your ass it is. Which, by the way, I can pat anytime I want now." I'm loving how obnoxious this is! Except for the part, where, you know, I'm totally not. And to think I passed over the 2002 Victoria's Secret Cavalcade of Boobs and Asses for this. Well, come to think of it, there's probably almost as much boobery and assery per minute in this show. These ones are full of hot air instead of silicone, though. Jed lectures the mass of staff which has accreted to him as he keeps zooming through the hallways: "The voters have spoken. Lowest inflation in twenty years. Housing starts are cyclical, which is the thing." He asks Leo what he's got. Leo says there's going to be a lot of flooding in Missouri. Jed asks if FEMA's on the ground. FEMA is. Leo adds that he's got the Swiss Ambassador in his office but doesn't know why. He stops Jed and says, "Sir, you and I enjoy your funny jokes, but Idaho, you know, not so much." He asks Jed to take it easy with the press. Jed: "I know my people." Leo: "Yeah, sometimes it's hard to believe I'm one of them. Good luck." Jed thanks him and enters the Briefing Room. Everybody stands, and cameras flash like crazy.

Leo returns to his office, flanked by Charlie, who goes off his separate way. Aw, are you disappointed that Charlie never gets much in the way of dialogue or storylines? Just you wait. There's some exciting fish-related dialogue later. Margaret hands Leo a note and reminds him that the guy in his office is Ambassador von Rutte.

Leo enters his office, where von Rutte thanks Leo for seeing him without an appointment. He explains that there's been a message from Tehran: "The Ayatollah's son has a congenital heart condition: Eisenmenger's Syndrome. His best chance is a simultaneous heart and lung transplant." Which Ayatollah? There's more than one. I don't know if we're pretending Khomeini's still alive, or whether the current Iranian Chief of State, Ayatollah Khamenei, is standing in for him, or what. ["Maybe it's Ayatollah Pantsmorgan of Qumar." -- Wing Chun] Leo wonders if the Ayatollah asked Japan. It turns out the procedure has only ever successfully been done by Americans, and Japan's the only other country that's even tried to do it. Leo: "Coming close doesn't matter on this. It's not the Gemini missions. I'm gonna talk to the President, Chris, but if it means bumping an American off the donor lists..." Wait, he's "Chris" all of a sudden? Didn't Margaret just have to tell him ninety seconds ago that he was Ambassador von Rutte? Also, isn't like, every third guy on this show named Chris? Didn't we just have Chris Whitaker last week? Isn't Josh's ex-roommate/Amy's ex-boyfriend named Chris? Isn't there a reporter named Chris? And let's not forget Sir Christopher Nealing-Roach. No doubt I've missed some. Just for the record, here are some other men's names a writer could use: Adrian. Basil. Carlos. Dolph. Ezekiel. Fritz. Griffin. Hoyt. Ignatius. Joel. Kiefer. Liam. Maynard. Nigel. Ozzy. Parsifal. Quinn. Ragnarok. Salvador. Thor. Ulysses. Vern. Waldo. Xerxes. Yves. Zoltan. Sorry, got carried away there. Just some suggestions. Anyway, Chris says that Iran has a donor. Leo: "A donor or a dissenter?" Ho ho. Chris says, "This is from Doctors Without Borders." An excellent organization, one which I support, but I'm not sure this sort of thing actually falls within its mandate. Leo: "It wasn't directly from the Ayatollah?" Chris says that DWB/MSF was approached by the Ayatollah's brother-in-law. Leo: "This is coming through you, through an NGO, through the brother-in-law? Guy's gonna put his son's life in the hands of the infidels but he'll keep his distance, huh?" Oh, I love the "infidel" thing. Can never get enough of that. Chris replies, "The hardliners control the Majlis. Things are difficult for him with the Shehab missile tests. He cannot have a problem with his right flank." Leo: "Yeah, much better we should have a problem with ours." Leo says he'll talk to POTUS. Leo looks at the monitor, where POTUS is holding court with the press, and turns up the sound. Jed's jovially saying, "Don't get me wrong, Mark, I think January's a good month..." Leo turns the sound off again and says, "Yeah, the President, Generalissimo, whatever he comes back as." Credits. Dude, he's the Grand Poobah of the Greatest Superpower Ever.

Josh comes into his office, followed by Donna, who's wearing an argyle-patterned turtleneck sweater in shades of dark grey, light grey, and pale pink. Her hair is swept up in an artfully casual way. Apparently, some folks hated this sweater, but it didn't bother me. Josh asks for messages. There's one from AP and one from Judy Vanderbass, the wife of the U.S. Ambassador to Vietnam. Donna says that Josh has been to her house for dinner. Josh: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I ate a Springer Spaniel." Oh, hardy HAR! A joke about Asians eating dogs. Because eating cows and pigs instead is so morally superior. Man, those disgusting slanty-eyed bastards will eat anything. Toby appears at the door, and Josh acknowledges him with a chin gesture. He asks why AP is on his phone sheet. Toby says it's because Triplehorn told them that Josh is the reason there won't be a deal on prescription drugs. Josh: "I'm the reason?" Toby reads, "'With Lyman negotiating...'" Josh slams something down on his desk and says he's starting to feel ill will toward the minority leader. Toby: "And I've had it up to here with the Welsh." Must have been his traumatic sperm donation experiences. Josh isn't kidding: "He was campaigning with us, like, a half-hour ago." Toby says school's back, and Josh should go see him. Josh wants Toby to go see him. Toby has to deal with Karen Croft. Josh, grabbing his jacket: "And National Parks screw me up again." Josh tells Donna as he walks out that he's going to the Leader's office, and asks her to get him the first three minutes she can. Donna reminds him about Judy Vanderbass. Josh suggests that Donna find out what her problem is, solve it, and then do something else. Donna: "You're the reason there are term limits." Josh tries to think of something snarky to say back to her, but fails. Weak.

Toby walks over to his office and gestures Karen Croft (Lucinda Jenney, a definite HITG!) into his office. Jenney and Richard Schiff were both in Grace of My Heart, for those of you playing Six Degrees at home, though I can't remember if they had any scenes together. Good film, by the way. Toby asks Karen how she is. She insists she's fine. She sits down saying, "The view from the canvas, it's...educational, you know?" It takes me a moment, but I get the sports reference. I wonder what it's like to see the entire world through the lens of sports and sports metaphors. I'm one of those people who doesn't even like it when things like politics or international affairs are referred to as "games." Toby: "Yeah, I've had extensive education." She sighs. It turns out she lost by 127 votes. Ouch. She says, "that's about twelve lawn signs." Toby: "Wasn't your last election also..." Karen: "Eighty-two votes." Toby: "The President says all you need is one; the rest are for ego." He sits down to her. Karen: "Uh huh. And how many did the President win by?" Toby says it was about three and a half million: "He's got a pretty healthy ego, though." I'll say. Karen: "I don't know, maybe the job wasn't for me. I like land, I like dirt...I like things that live on land...and dirt." Toby: "I like hotels. I like a good concierge." Karen: "Could you be a little more sympathetic? I'm a loser." Toby: "Not a big one." She says okay. Toby tells her POTUS thinks there's a place for her. She says, "That's nice of you guys. It really is." She says it in a way that sounds more sarcastic than I think she means it. Turns out she was thinking of trying for a job with the National Parks Service. Toby laughs softly and says they were thinking the same thing. She wants to know what the job is. He says, "The Director of the National Parks Service." She laughs in a way that seems somewhat snide and says, "Are you kidding me?" Toby's acting sort of coy and flirtatious. He says he's not kidding. She asks, "Is this just because..." Toby: "Do you want it?" She says she does. He tells to get herself a big hat, and says Leo will call her. He walks out, leaving her in his office staring after him.

Carol and C.J. are pedeconferencing about the press briefing when Toby comes up and says, "All's well that ends well." C.J. figures out he's talking about Karen Croft as National Parks Chairman. C.J. mentions that she thinks Andi's going to get sued for election fraud. Toby says Andi was trying to get sued. C.J.: "Really?" Toby: "Yeah, she's a pistol." He splits, and C.J. and Carol keep going.

C.J. announces the names of the first three reporters who are having tea with the President at 3. They couldn't care less; they all want to know who's running Sam's campaign. She says he's putting his team together, and she'll be starting to refer those questions to the campaign's press office.

In California, Sam is approached by reporters as he and Will and Elsie leave the Orange County Municipal Building. One asks him how it feels to have the nomination. Sam says, "There is no nomination. There's a primary, and if someone gets 50% of the vote, there's no general." A reporter points out no other Democrats are running, and the party's endorsing Sam. The reporter gets Sam to agree that he's the nominee. Another reporter asks whether he's filled the key positions on his staff yet. Sam refers them to Will, who says the Campaign Manager is Scott Holcomb, Finance Manager is Betsy Wadkins, and Communications Director is Mark Stern. Sam interrupts Will and asks to speak to him for a second. Will agrees, adding to the reporters that Tom Baker is the Political Director, and the Volunteer Coordinator is Paula Montgomery.

Sam and Will walk a reasonable distance away. Elsie follows. Sam isn't too jazzed to hear that Scott is his campaign manager: "What's your title?" Will: "Citizen Bailey." Sam: "I'm not kidding." Will: "I'm the Chancellor of Germany." Sam's really not in the mood to fool around. I guess he just assumed Will would be at his side. I guess no one's told him Will's going to have to go to the White House and replace him. He's the new Robin to Toby's Batman! Robin II! Or something. Sam wants to know what's going on. As does Elsie, who keeps chirping away at his side. I'm sorry, I didn't think that much of Danica McKellar on The Wonder Years; I thought she got by on her looks and her youth. She's still got looks, but she's really out of her league acting-wise here. Speaking of looks, Rob Lowe looks very cute in this scene -- enough for me to overlook the hair. Will gives Elsie a look and says they already had this conversation for two hours yesterday: "What do you think you're doing?" She doesn't think Will should go. Will says she made that clear yesterday. She simpers, "And I'm doing this now." Will tells Sam there are too many chiefs around here. Sam says he'll get rid of some of them. Will insists they're the best and Sam wants them. Elsie: "He doesn't want the best. He wants you." McKellar cannot do Sorkinese. Or even writers aping Sorkinese. She's too childish and not dry enough. Please, a one-way ticket to Mandyville (is there any other kind?) for Elsie. Will says, "The Republicans are starting their starters, so you gotta match up." Sam says they match up fine, and that Will got him into this. Will: "Well, you got you into this. But I owe you the best possible chance to win, and I owe that to Mr. Wilde." Elsie: "That's ridiculous. Tell him that's ridiculous." Will says he took on this race to show the DNC that no district should be ignored. Sam asks what Will's going to do. Will says he's going to stick around for a week, help out, and thank some people. Then he's going to take a vacation. He's going to need to rest up before he goes to Washington replace Sam. Sam: "Where?" He says it in a weird tone of voice, like he can't imagine where on earth would be a better place to be than running another campaign in Newport Beach right after a very tense and exhausting one. Will says, "France, Italy...Wales...maybe EPCOT." Sam gives up and says he's got to go back to Washington. I'm thinking if Sorkin wrote this one, Sam would have had something pithier to say here, but whatever. Sam walks to his rental car as Will and Elsie wish him a good trip. Elsie turns to Will: "EPCOT?" Will says he was kidding. Elsie snipes, "Ah. Didn't know." She tears off in annoyance.

POTUS is at his desk writing stuff. Charlie comes in and sits to the desk. "Sir?" Jed: "Yeah? It's called penmanship, Watson. Something your generation wouldn't know about because of the computers. How many of these things am I doing?" Charlie says sixty. Jed wants to know how many he's done. Charlie says three. Jed's surprised. Charlie: "This is what I'm talking about." Jed complains that Charlie's system is slowing him down. Charlie says he doesn't have a system. Jed: "You're kidding!" I can't tell if he's being sarcastic or is actually surprised. Leo wanders in from the portico and asks if Jed's ready. Jed wants to know if they could have colour coding and priority lists and stickers and so forth: "Can I get a little bureaucracy going here?" I thought he wasn't a big fan of the colour coding. Leo asks what he's doing. Jed says he's doing what the President does: asks people for things, then thanks them for things. Jed gets up and tells Charlie to take the calls to the Mansion, and he'll meet him there after this.

Jed and Leo head down to the Sit Room. On the way, Jed tells a yarn about the cats his kids had when they were younger: Mr. Finch and Mrs. Wilberforce. Or something; he can't remember. Leo says he never really liked human names for animals. Jed: "Really? Well, I can't believe my kids didn't think to ask you what to name the cats. But they used to bring mice into the house and show 'em to me." Who, the kids or the cats? Jed says this is how he's starting to feel about the Swiss. Leo just humours him, as he does with all of Jed's anecdotes and yarns.

Leo and Jed have arrived in the Sit Room. Jed says, "Tell me about the boy." A guy in a suit says, "He and a guardian have crossed the border into Kandahar. A U.N. cargo plane is on the ground." The suit to him says, "It's gonna leave at 11:45 Zulu if you say okay." Jed checks his watch and points out that's eleven minutes away: "This meeting's a little premature, isn't it? We should wait ten minutes." Then he announces, "This meeting doesn't go in the Sit Room anymore, okay? I don't know why the hell it's here. This isn't a military operation." Leo -- ever Jed's coach in affairs foreign and domestic, military, and political -- quietly says, "It's a secure room." Jed asks, in this really arch tone: "My office is a secure room, too, isn't it? Please, somebody tell me it is or I gotta go pack some stuff." I don't know who or what is inhabiting Martin Sheen's body but I don't really care for it. Can we get Mulder in here?

Leo asks the woman to him -- who is sort of Mary Kay Place-ish -- about the organs. She says they're in Zurich. Bartlet cackles, and says, "I'm sorry, that sounded funny to me. I'm the kid in Bio who laughed all the time." If these various outbursts are not meant to be manifestations of the inappropriate humour that can sometimes characterize MS, then I really don't get why they're writing his role this way. I'm just glad he's not the guy in charge of trying to keep a nuclear bomb from being detonated in Los Angeles. ["Eh, L.A.'s not that great anyway." -- Wing Chun] Mary Kay just soldiers on, saying, "Then onto Paris on Swissair." Jed: "Coach?" Leo glares. Mary Kay smiles gamely: "I don't..." Man, this is sad. Leo: "Then onto New York?" She says yes. Leo: "So the heart and lungs get here first." She says they can last about forty hours; the flight from Tehran's about fifteen. Wait, I thought the kid was already in Kandahar. Also, a quick search of Google suggests that hearts and lungs can only last a few hours outside the body and must be transplanted immediately. And seriously, what if Swissair accidentally ships them to Reyjavik, like airlines are all too wont to do? Then everybody's really screwed. Wait, didn't Swissair go out of business? Oh, never mind. If I keep trying to sort this out we'll never get through it.