Bartlet's Third State of the Union

Previously on The West Wing: The administration hires Ainsley, a leggy blonde Republican fascist; Josh and Joey find each other charming; Abby Bartlet resorts to terms of endearment when she's pissed; Toby and Leo form their own little CREEP (Committee to Re-Elect the President).

It's 8:54 PM. A newscaster's voice on a monitor just outside the Oval Office in the West Wing informs us that it's six minutes until Bartlet's third State of the Union address, and reminds us that the President must receive permission from the Speaker to address Congress. Amidst a great bustle of activity, Sam's on the phone, impatiently awaiting some information or decision. He's asking the person on the other end if it's a "yes" as Toby comes up and tries to get his attention. Sam asks for a moment and Toby sails on into the Oval Office, which is full of various staff members. As he enters, Toby tells Ed to "delete 'vigorously' from the first sentence." Leo asks which paragraph and Toby tells him. Another staff member asks, "We're not going to vigorously pursue campaign finance reform?" Toby replies, "No, we're just going to pursue it regular [sic]." Ed says, "Not vigorously?" Toby: "Not tonight." Mostly to Leo, he elaborates, "McGowan says we're fine. He feels the word 'vigorously' is inflammatory." He tells the staff also to change the word "choke-hold" to "tight grip." The staff anxiously asks if that's it, but Toby reminds them that Sam's still on the phone. They point out that they only have four minutes. Good thing they won't be using my slow-ass printer once they settle on the wording, or this address would never get off the ground. POTUS strides in and asks, "Where are we?" They tell him Sam's still on the phone. POTUS announces, "Bob Novak just said this was the speech of my political life. You know how many times I've heard that?" Toby tells him about cutting "vigorously" and POTUS says, "Do it." Leo asks Jed how he's feeling; he says good. He asks Charlie, as Charlie helps him with his jacket, whether Abby's already in her seat. Charlie says, "Yes, sir." POTUS doesn't seem to hear him and repeats the question. Charlie repeats his answer. A staff member prods Leo about the time and Leo says they'll get POTUS in the car.

In the area outside the Oval Office, Sam's done with his call and he seems happy. They all pedeconference as they make their way with POTUS toward the car. Leo asks what's going on, and Sam explains, "We put our weight behind SB380. It's a highway improvement bill." Leo: "What else?" Sam: "We set aside some U.S. park land." Leo: "What else?" Sam says that's it. Leo says, "I want to be clear. This is the understanding: we build him a highway and name a park after him, and we have his support for the Blue Ribbon?" Sam confirms this. Toby tells Ginger to tell C.J. that "it's a green light on the Blue Ribbon," and that she'll know what it means. Sam says they'll write it in the car. They reach the door where the limo is waiting, and Leo reassures Jed that the Blue Ribbon is a good thing, although Jed doesn't seem to be having any doubts about it.

It's 8:57 PM. Over at the National Strategies Group, Josh is throwing his weight around and generally being a bit of a control freak. He's stressed. Maybe it's time to stand with your back straight against the wall, Josh. He harangues one worker about chewing gum just before they're going to be making calls to poll people about the speech. Another worker points out that the polling hasn't started yet. Josh says, "Well, thank you, Mr. Helper." Just then Donna whizzes up and reminds him that these people have done this before. He objects, "They're not our people." Donna says they're Joey Lucas' people. Josh asks whether any of them have accents. Donna assures him they're all out of the Midwest. Josh replies, "I'm saying Joey Lucas is deaf and would have no way of knowing..." Then he hollers to the room at large, "Do any of you people have accents?" Dead silence. Josh then hollers, "Do any of you people have the power of speech?" Donna just looks impatient, and pained. She says they're fine. Josh remarks, "I should be there right now."

Big presidential motorcade. In the limo, Leo's on his cell phone to Jed telling someone the wording relating to the Blue Ribbon Commission, and that he wants it for Jed when he walks in the door. Jed seems in a strangely tense frame of mind, but it doesn't seem to be nerves. Back at the White House, it's 8:59 PM, and C.J.'s doing a last-minute press briefing. She tells them the President will be announcing the establishment of a bipartisan Blue Ribbon commission to study the long-term future of entitlement programs. The reporters want to know why this is a last-minute addition; the first time she's asked, C.J. dodges the question slightly; when it's asked again, she says the President was trying to ensure that he had the support of the Democratic leadership. She also tells them that Capital Beat is broadcasting live from the West Wing for two hours following the speech and that the area will be off-limits for "carousing." Some reporters seem annoyed with this special treatment and C.J. tells them, "Well, that's just hard cheese." No, actually, she simply tells them that it's because "They're special." With that, she tells them to enjoy the show and leaves.

The Capitol, 9:00 PM. Sam and Toby are working out last-minute changes to the speech. They finally settle on everything and hand the speech to an assistant, telling him to phone it in to the prompter. As a writer (and something of a perfectionist), I know that impulse to keep fiddling with a piece right up until the last second; I imagine the urge to do so must be overwhelming for a State of the Union address. Sam and Toby grab their binders just as POTUS is arriving with his entourage. As he arrives, Charlie gestures to indicate that Jed's shoelace is untied. Jed bends down to tie it for what seems like an interminable time, although it's exactly how long it takes to tie a shoelace, and everyone stands around in nervous, uncomfortable silence. You might think it'd be Charlie's job to tie Jed's shoelace, but Jed's not the kind of President to let his body man tie his shoes. (Bet Dubya is, though.) ["Bet Dubya doesn't really have a choice." -- niki] Finally the shoelace is tied and Toby hands Jed his copy of the speech. Jed shakes Toby's hand and then Sam's. As he approaches the doorway, he walks through a long hallway lined with people applauding him. He looks slightly ill at ease, and for all his ideals about statesmanship, you can't help but feel the enormity of his role and responsibility, and wonder if Jed doesn't sometimes fear that they somehow elected the wrong guy. But he maintains a presidential demeanour. He reaches the door, which is blocked by an older gentleman named Mr. Finney. Jed stops, bows his head for a moment, crosses himself and says "Amen," to which Charlie dutifully echoes, "Amen." Jed says, "Mr. Finney, would you tell the Speaker I'd like to see him please?" Mr. Finney opens the door and intones loudly, "Mr. Speaker! The President of the United States!" Jed goes in. It's a classic, Sorkinesque, pomp-and-circumstance moment. The theme music swells. Aw come on, you know you love it.

As the guest credits roll, we see that it's a real all-star cast. At the polling office, Josh and Donna and some of the workers are perched on a stairway watching the speech on C-SPAN. We hear the end of Jed's address: "...an America that has continued to rise through every age, against every challenge, a people of great works and greater possibilities, who have always, always found the wisdom and strength to come together as one nation, to widen the circle of opportunity, to deepen the meaning of our freedom, to form a more perfect union. Our best days lie ahead. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America." As he finishes, everyone in the polling office applauds and cheers; Josh hoots loudly. Donna and Josh enthuse for a few moments about how well he did and how exciting it all is, and then Josh is all back-to-business. He wants to know just how well Jed did. Josh wants to know what he's supposed to do now. Donna tells him to tell the callers to start. Josh asks what Joey said; Donna explains that Joey's plane is late. Josh seems chagrined that Joey didn't provide any special instructions about how to launch the polling. Donna's all, "Like what?" Josh is flustered: "I don't know...time zones? I, I don't know, I'm not a pollster! I thought Joey called." Donna says she called from the plane saying she'd be late. Just then, we hear someone come in the door and a man's voice saying, "Joshua Lyman, you have the cutest little butt in professional politics." Josh smirks and turns, saying, "Kenny, really, that better have been her talking." Joey waves cheerfully and announces, "I'm here!" Josh asks her where the hell she's been. She explains through Kenny that her plane had mechanical difficulties. Josh complains, "This is the State of the Union! There was nothing you could do about it?" Joey replies, "No, because as a child, I never paid attention during airplane mechanics class." Josh, obviously smitten but trying to hide it, inquires, "Is this the kind of Noel Coward-esque wit I can expect all night long?" Joey says yes. He tells her to instruct the workers. She faces the room and signs for Kenny to ask them loudly, "Is anyone chewing gum?" The chorus comes back, "No!" In her own voice, Joey says, "Okay, start!" Josh kind of mutters, "I'd already taken care of the gum thing." Donna's wondering if she might meet interesting men if she became a pollster. You know, if playing the trombone doesn't work out. Or maybe she and Kenny could double date with Joey and Josh.

Back in the West Wing, they're getting ready for the special episode of Capital Beat to go on the air. The host, Mark Gottfried (Ted McGinley) introduces his first two guests, C.J. and Henry Shallick, Deputy House Majority Whip, played by Corbin Bernsen. Gottfried describes C.J. as "very lovely" and "very talented." I note he doesn't describe Shallick as "ruggedly handsome" or whatever. He also refers to her as "Miss" Claudia Jean Cregg. Sigh. Anyway, he asks C.J., "On a scale of one to ten, how did the President do tonight?" C.J. replies cheerfully and confidently, "Fourteen. You know, Mark, the President is a commanding public speaker, and the bar is usually set quite a bit higher when he makes a major address, but tonight he cleared it with room to spare." Mark says his unofficial tally shows the speech was interrupted by applause seventy-three times. C.J. replies, "I have seventy-two times but I'll take your count." Mark then asks Shallick for his opinion. Shallick acknowledges that Bartlet's a gifted public speaker. "We've always known that, and it's an admirable talent, not unlike juggling. Now, if only he'd said something. By my count, twenty-three of the interruptions for applause were for co-opted Republican ideas." Mark suggests taking a quick break.

As soon as one of the crew members states that they're off the air, Mark announces that C.J.'s not wearing any pants. C.J. impatiently acknowledges this; Mark adds, "No pants whatsoever." C.J. says, "It's cable! Carol!" Someone yells that they have ninety seconds. Sam comes up and wants to talk to C.J. for a moment. She agrees. He says, "Could I see you over there?" C.J. declines. Sam wants to know why; C.J. explains she's not wearing any pants. Sam says, "Sure, we're fine here, as long as there aren't any cameras or microphones around." C.J. gets Carol to bring her a robe, which she kind of awkwardly puts on, tying the arms around her waist. Her jacket is a longish one so it's not too bad. Sam tells her she looks like a Rockette. Um, I suppose. Except for not having bimbo hair and makeup, and a big fake chest. C.J. asks if he knows why she's not wearing pants; Sam says, "I just assumed it was the usual reason." C.J. says she sat in paint. Carol mentions that her clothes are coming. If I were her, I'd keep about half my wardrobe at the office, what with having to go to symphony performances at the last minute and sitting in paint and all. Sam asks Carol where she got the bathrobe; Carol tells him, "The gym." Sam's annoyed to learn that there are bathrobes in the women's locker room at the gym but not the men's. Sam carps: "Now, that's outrageous. There's a thousand men working here and fifty women." C.J. immediately says, "Yeah, and it's the bathrobes that's [sic] outrageous." Yeah, and I think this is my new favourite quote. Sam finally gets to his point: "Jack Sloan has an official reprimand in his jacket," for using excessive force seventeen years ago. C.J. seems pretty unhappy to learn this. Sam explains that both criminal charges and a civil suit were dismissed. He mentions that "there was enormous political and community pressure from local black Democrats." A crew member yells "fifteen seconds" and C.J. has to start hustling toward the desk again. She asks whether anyone has the story yet; Sam says they will. As she goes back to her seat, she tells Sam she needs to speak to Jack Sloan. She unties the robe and tosses it to Carol. As she puts her microphone back on, Mark says, "Take the desk away, I pick up three share points."

As Capital Beat returns to air, Mrs. Landingham is watching it on the monitor in her office. Charlie comes back in and asks how the speech looked. She says it looked good. She asks, "Charlie, is it possible that C.J. isn't wearing any pants right now?" Charlie explains she sat in paint. Mrs. L asks again, "And she's not wearing any pants?" Charlie explains, "Well, she's wearing underwear, Mrs. Landingham. She hasn't gone smokeless." I've never heard that expression before. Mrs. L lets it go. Charlie asks her to clarify a note that was left for him. She explains that POTUS was balancing his chequebook and came across a cheque for $500 that was never cashed, written by Abby to a woman whose name he didn't recognize. He wants Charlie to ask Abby about it. Charlie wants to know why Jed was balancing his chequebook. Mrs. L says he does it to relax. Me, I do my taxes to relax. Charlie would like to know why Jed can't ask his own wife about the cheque. Mrs. L says, "When the President inquires into the First Lady's personal bookkeeping, the First Lady gets angry with him and yells." Charlie thinks she'll have pretty much the same reaction to his asking about it. Mrs. L replies, "But the President doesn't care so much about that." Charlie says, "Yeah, okay." As he leaves, he tells himself, "This is a good job." Mrs. L calls out that she saw him on TV. He says, "Cool."

Up in the First Bedroom, Abby Bartlet is there alone, playing and replaying a section of Jed's speech with a fair degree of annoyance. It's the section to do with setting up the bipartisan Blue Ribbon Commission. Charlie knocks on the door and she tells him to come in. He asks if he's disturbing her; she says she just came up to change clothes. He asks if she sat in wet paint, but she explains that she's not supposed to go to the reception in the same clothes she wore to the speech. She muses, "I could just tell people I have two outfits exactly alike." Charlie says, "That's what I do." She asks what he wanted. Charlie begins, "Ma'am, I'd like you to bear in mind that I'm not wearing pads or a helmet or contact gear of any kind. A $500 cheque that hasn't been cashed. It was written to a woman..." Abby interjects with exasperation, "Oh, how long has that been up his ass?" Charlie replies, "Well, I wouldn't know, ma'am, but..." Abby states, "Her name is Jane Robinson. I read an article a few months ago..." Charlie interjects, "Her husband threw her out?" Abby continues, "He set fire to the bed." Charlie: "And she'd bought the kids' Christmas presents early and they were ruined?" Abby says, "So I sent her $500." Charlie says she hasn't cashed it, and he'll make sure it got to her. Abby thanks him and he leaves. She goes back to replaying the tape with her face clenched in irritation.

At the reception, Sam arrives and someone yells out, "Hey, Sam Seaborn everybody!" The people near Sam all applaud and smile and Sam jokes, "See? You guys said I couldn't write comedy." Sam crosses the room to where Leo is standing; Leo asks if he's talked to C.J. Sam says yes. Leo says, "The dial groups are huge: middle-class tax cut, Social Security..." Sam asks, "What about polling?" Leo says Josh and Joey will provide early numbers in about an hour. Leo's concerned about this potential PR problem with the police officer. Sam says to let C.J. handle it. He also instructs Sam, "No pictures near the President." Just then Margaret comes up, with her hair flippier than usual, and tells Leo he's needed in the Situation Room. When Leo gets there, he finds out that officials believe five DEA agents have been abducted in Colombia, on a road between Bogota and Putumayo. Leo asks if it was the CRF. They don't know. Leo asks, "Do we think it was the CRF?" The official tells him, "Yeah." Leo asks if the agents can be identified; he's told they're carrying badges. Leo's incredulous: "On a road from Bogota to Putumayo? They're going to shoot these guys. The White House Press Corps's upstairs and there's a live TV show being broadcast door." He turns to another guy: "I need to meet with State, Justice, and the Pentagon, and it needs to happen softly." Leo sits down, saying, "This was almost a good night." It occurs to me that Leo's the mom and Jed's the dad. Jed occasionally has to lay down the law hard, but usually he's the good-time guy handing out shiny quarters and doing magic tricks and telling amusing yarns. Leo gets to clean up the vomit, eat the broken cookies, and make sure everybody scrubbed behind their ears. Poor Leo.

After the commercial break, we're back at the polling office. Joey tells Donna they have a seventeen percent response rate. Josh comes up and tells them about the Jack Sloan problem. Apparently Jack Sloan is a Detroit police officer who was added at the last minute to a list of guests invited to the State of the Union address to be recognized by the President. It seems he was invited based on some recent act of heroism involving an elementary school, but it's just come out that seventeen years ago he was charged with using excessive force in a bust, allegedly breaking some guy's leg. Neither criminal charges nor the civil suit were successful, but it's a problem anyway. He wasn't thoroughly vetted because he was a last-minute addition. Josh wants to know when he will see numbers from polling. Joey tells him about the response rate. Josh: "Great! When do I see numbers?" Joey tells him, in her own voice, "You need patience, Joshua!" He barks, "I need numbers, Tonto!" Tonto? Did he really say that? Oy. Joey, apparently unflappable, tells him to keep his shirt on, not in those exact words. She goes off with Kenny to get a doughnut. Josh gripes to Donna, "We're plagued by this nonsense, Donna. I swear, it's reaching epidemic proportions. Those numbers are going to tell us we had a big night, and the balance is going to be dragged down by a news cycle that won't shake the cop story." Donna couldn't care less about that; she says, "You should ask her out." Josh: "I'm sorry?" Donna: "You should ask Joey out. Tonight could be the night." Josh: "The night to do what?" Donna: "To ask her out." Josh orders her, "Get a doughnut." She says okay.

Back in the West Wing, Margaret's rounding up the people Leo needs in the Situation Room. Apparently the code is, "Leo McGarry was wondering if you'd come say hello to an old friend of his." Mr. Secretary goes off to the Situation Room. There, Leo is asking if they've verified who was at the lab. They've verified two of the five agents; they can't confirm the other three yet. Leo doesn't want to mis-notify the families. Mr. Secretary having arrived, Leo explains, "Mickey, two PM local time in Bogota, five DEA agents assisting police in evidence gathering at a cocaine lab were taken by the CRF." Mickey asks if they're alive; Leo says they think so. Mickey says, "Okay. Putumayo is a Frente stronghold. The scene the agents were at was one of their top-producing cocaine labs." Well, he sure got up to speed fast. He continues, "We're going to open a dialogue and we're going to do it through the Colombian Army commanders." It seems they'll be dealing with someone named Nelson Guerra, a Frente jefe. Leo asks for everything on Guerra. He also asks whether anyone was on the ground close by. They've got six commanders and thirteen support people in Tres Encinas. Leo asks how many people will be guarding the ultimate location of the abducted agents: Mickey tells him, "Five, six hundred." Leo says, "Not the numbers you're hoping for if you're contemplating a massive attack-and-rescue mission." Leo orders, "Tell Special Operations Command at Fort Bragg to submit three plans for unilateral op. They have an hour." He stands up to leave and adds, "We should let these nineteen guys at Tres Encinas know they're in it now, too." He leaves.

Back on Capital Beat, they're playing an excerpt from Jed's speech in support of school uniforms. Mark says, "School uniforms? From a liberal Democrat? What was that sound we just heard?" He introduces his guests, Gretchen Tyler, the Director of Public Education for the ACLU, and Ainsley. Gretchen gets to lead off, and says she was surprised and disappointed, mentioning that Bartlet's always had strong First Amendment credentials. She says the ACLU's position is that every child has the right to a public school education and that it cannot be conditioned on compliance with a uniform policy. When he asks Ainsley for her response, Ainsley says that Gretchen's point is well-taken, and that she's not one hundred percent sure that what the President suggested was constitutional. Um, way to support your boss, Ainsley. As she says this, we see Sam overhearing this in what looks like the Communications area. He doesn't seem entirely thrilled with her commentary. As Ainsley continues talking about kids who can't afford designer clothes like their peers and studies that show kids do better in school wearing uniforms, Sam walks over to the set of Capital Beat. Gretchen says there are already restrictions on what kids can wear to school; Ainsley points out that those restrictions were implemented over the strong objections of the ACLU. Mark asks Ainsley to gauge how strongly Bartlet feels about this issue. Ainsley mentions he included it in a State of the Union address. Mark wants to know what impression she's gotten from her conversations with him. Ainsley guilelessly tells him, "Oh I haven't had any conversations with him personally." Mark says, "On this." Ainsley replies, "On anything. I've never met him. I'm an Associate Counsel. The Chinese food guy's got more access than I do." Mark says, "And yet they have you out here speaking...for the White House." Ainsley smiles hugely and gushes, "Yeah! It's a really big night for me." Mark announces a break for some news from New York. As soon as they're off-air, Mark tells Ainsley, "You crack me up." She giggles and says, "Thank you." Sam, who's been leaning on a monitor watching all this, says, "Hey, Gracie." (For you youngsters out there, this is a reference to comedian George Burns's wife Gracie Allen, who was his partner in vaudeville, radio and television comedy for many years.) Sam asks if Ainsley has some time; Mark says it's a five-minute newsbreak. As Sam leads her away to his office, she asks if he's been watching. Sam says yes. She asks, "Aren't I delightful?" You know what? Not so much. Sam says, "You know what I'd like? I'd like it if you didn't say you weren't one hundred percent sure the President's proposal is constitutional." Ainsley says the ACLU has a reasonable case to make against the President. Sam points out, "They'll do a fine job of making it without the help of the President's lawyer." Ainsley concedes that that's a fair point. Sam asks, "How have you never met the President?" Ainsley points out: "He works in the Oval Office and I work in the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue. I can't believe we haven't run into each other." Sam says he'll set up an introduction. Suddenly Ainsley's all, "No way." Sam accuses her of being scared to meet the President. She pleads, "I'm having a good night, I just want to keep having a good night. I don't want to live in fear of the inevitable bungling of the English language that will occur and the mortification that will ensue." Sam says, "That sounds pretty bad." Ainsley confesses, "I am, yes I am indeed, yes, I am scared to meet the President." Sam says, "Now it sounds really bad." He decides to let it go with, "Well, when you meet him, you meet him." As she leaves, she says, "No need to rush that day along." Sam follows her out, asking, "Okay, can I talk to you about adrenaline for a second?" Ainsley: "Adrenaline?" Sam says she's feeling it right now, and it's going to increase, because it's a big night and all...Ainsley interrupts with, "And you think I'm going to have a nutty?" Or something to that effect. That's what the closed-captioning claims. Sam requests that she not drink anything until she's off the air. Ainsley: "God! Thanks, Sam, for that debating tip, your feel for nuance. You say I shouldn't be drunk when I'm representing the White House?" Sam adds, "Yeah, and please don't forget you're a blonde Republican girl and that nobody likes you." Ainsley says she's going back on television now. Sam admonishes her, "Try and remember you're on our side."