The War At Home

Previously on The West Wing: On the evening of Bartlet's third State of the Union address, five DEA agents are abducted in Colombia by drug lords; Leo thinks they're not hostages, they're prisoners, and that the intention is to kill the agents; Jed gears up for military intervention; Josh waits impatiently for pollster Joey Lucas to provide polling numbers, but they're thwarted by a blackout; Abby's furious with Jed for breaking a deal they made, apparently having to do with him being in office for only one term.

The scene opens with Jed hanging around on the patio outside the Oval Office, smoking. Sigh. It's Tuesday night. Leo comes out to see what Jed's up to. Jed mentions that it's only been three hours since he gave the speech. "Can you believe that?" he asks. Leo hunches up for warmth and puts his hands in his pockets, saying that it's freezing. Jed says that he's not allowed to smoke inside anymore; Leo comments that he thought Jed was allowed to do pretty much whatever he wanted. Jed replies, "Up to the point where you accidentally burn holes in priceless antiques." Not to mention in your lungs. Leo says he should stop smoking; Jed asks why. Leo says, "You'll live longer." Jed says, "I smoke two cigarettes a day." Leo states that it's a bad example. Jed, glancing up at the sky, asks, "For who? Russian spy satellites? George Bernard Shaw said, 'You don't live longer; it just seems longer.'" Leo's not sure it was Shaw; neither's Jed. Jed asks Leo if it's "time"; Leo says it is. Jed puts out his cigarette and follows Leo back into the Oval Office.

In the shot, they enter the Situation Room; as Jed makes that "sit down already" gesture with his hands to those assembled, he asks, "Where are we?" One guy tells him, "Sir, a C-141 with two Delta Force Teams has been in the air for eighty-five minutes." Jed says, "Tell me what happens when I give the order." He's told that they will enter Colombian air space, and a nineteen-man unit -- a Special Forces Alpha Team that's already on the ground in Tres Encinas -- will head to Villacerreno, at which point they'll hike eleven miles into the jungle and hold still. For a really long time, because it will be daylight when they arrive, and they'll have to lie in the jungle until sunset, when the hostages are supposed to be moved. Jed asks, "They're moving the hostages from where to where?" He's told they're being moved from the Tasco outpost to the Frente command centre, on foot. One guy mentions that 10.7 kilometres down the road, there's a plateau called Mesa del Oro which will give the Deltas maximum manoeuvrability. Jed turns to Mickey (on his right) -- who is Secretary of something (presumably Defense) -- and says, "Mickey, you look like you want to say something." Mickey thinks they should wait, to see how negotiations continue with Guerra. Leo says, "Guerra wants Aguilar out of a Colombian prison. Are there any other circumstances under which he's going to give these hostages back?" Mickey: "Possibly." Leo: "Crap." Mickey thinks that if they keep talking, the hostages won't get shot during the rescue. Leo doesn't see what difference it makes if they get shot during a rescue, or at Villacerreno. Mickey thinks that they can be kept alive longer if they allow them to be taken to Villacerreno. Jed's not sure that's such a great idea, since he's been led to believe they'll probably be tortured at Villacerreno. Another military guy advises POTUS that the C-141 is approaching Colombian airspace. Everyone looks expectantly at Jed; he glances at Mickey, then at the table briefly, then looks at Leo. Leo has that "you know I'm behind you no matter what, but please do what I want you to" look. The music begins at the precise second that Jed says, "Go."

Over a shot of Washington at night, we hear the voice of news anchor Mark Gottfried stating that tonight's State of the Union address contained 8,747 words, that it was second in length only to Bartlet's inaugural address, and that it was seventy-five minutes longer than Washington's first address to Congress. We see Mark on a television monitor, and then we see Officer Jack Sloan watching the broadcast. C.J. hustles in and asks Sloan if he'd be willing to go on television tomorrow. He seems mildly interested in the fact that the Capital Beat news team knew how many words there were in the speech. C.J. says, "About 8700?" Sloan says yeah. C.J. repeats her question about his appearing on TV. He thinks he'd really rather go home. C.J. explains that it's going to be part of the news cycle whether he goes home or not. Sloan wants to know how she knows that; she says it's roughly the same way she knew the number of words in the speech: "I have some experience at this." He asks what will happen. She explains that he'll do a very quick satellite interview, and basically outlines the questions and supplies his answers: "'What was it like being at the State of the Union? Did you meet the President?' 'It was thrill and an honour.' 'Talk about your act of heroism that brought you to the attention of the White House.' 'Well, I wouldn't really call it heroism, but...' 'Now I understand you've had some trouble back in the early eighties.' 'I'm glad I have a chance to talk about that...' And you tell your story just like you told it to me." He asks whether he should wear his uniform. She tells him to wear a jacket and tie. C.J., seeing he's basically acquiesced, calls Carol and tells her to see that Officer Sloan gets back to his hotel.

Then C.J. leaves to go speak to Mark Gottfried, who's closing off the special broadcast by thanking a long list of people. Once he's out, she pulls him aside, and he admonishes her, "You said twenty minutes." She reminds him that she was pulled into a meeting. He points out that it's been forty minutes; she reiterates the meeting issue. He doesn't seem to be buying that she'd have a meeting at midnight. C.J. points out, "It's not midnight everywhere in the world, Mark." Wouldn't that be weird? If there were no time zones. I'm just saying. I just had a little chat with Professor Frink about this, and using a tomato to represent the Earth and our African violet as the sun, he explained to me the sort of physical differences that would have to exist for this to be the case, and why it would be such a very bad and untenable situation if there were no time zones. What I love is that he always launches into answering my questions with great enthusiasm, and once he's done, becomes very suspicious and paranoid about why I'm wondering about such anti-scientific notions. It drives him crazy to think his wife might get to thinking very silly unscientific things, like a friend of his who believes (really) that the Earth's rotation is slowing down and will ultimately reverse its direction in a couple of decades. And I usually won't tell him what makes me think of these things, because I enjoy puzzling people. Anyway, I digress, and it's a short day and a big recap, so let's get on with it already. C.J. tells Mark that the officer is innocent. Mark: "You just decided?" C.J. responds, "No, a Grand Jury and a D.A. and a civil-court judge decided seventeen years ago. Nobody brought charges and the civil suit was dismissed. The Detroit Police Department cited him for excessive force to calm down the black community." C.J. tells him she's arranged for Sloan to do Mark's show tomorrow morning. Mark asks, "Is he doing everybody else's show, too?" C.J. says no. He asks why not. She replies, "Because you waited forty minutes." She leaves.

Back at the post-speech party, Toby's sitting a table alone, puffing on a stogie. He can smoke in the reception room, but POTUS has to go outside? ["Maybe POTUS just can't smoke in his office?" -- Wing Chun] Sam comes up and sits down. Sam tells him that Bill Dryer from Seth Gillette's office called, and that Gillette wants to have a meeting with Toby. Toby sighs. "I'll bet he wants a meeting with me." Toby says, a couple of times, that it's not going to happen. Sam says, "Toby..." Toby gets up and starts to walk away, saying, "He got enough input from me during the six weeks we were writing the thing, I don't need to hear his..." Sam interjects, "He's very upset." Toby says that he knows. Sam indicates that he thinks Gillette is more upset than they calculated he would be. Toby could care less (and since it's Toby, I do mean "could"). "We're going to have to learn to live with that pain. He's not the President of the United States. He's a junior senator from North Dakota where nobody lives, 'cause it's too cold and they don't have a major sports franchise." Toby doesn't care who he alienates. Last week it was Dodge Durango owners; this week it's North Dakotans. Sam asks, "Do I need to lay out the ways in which this man is important to us?" Toby says nope, but Sam begins anyway. "He is adored by the left." Toby: "Stop laying out the ways." Sam: "He's our link to the environmentalists." Toby: "Stop laying out the ways." Sam insists that Gillette's asking for the meeting isn't out of line, and adds that he thinks Toby should take the meeting "In fact, you should take it tomorrow morning at 7:30 at the Hyatt." Toby's not too pleased that Sam already set up the meeting. Sam: "Just the time and place." Toby: "And you expect me to explain myself to him?" Sam, confidently: "Yes. Yes, I do." Toby gives in. Hmm, feels like payback for the drop-in. Just then C.J. calls Toby from off-screen and Toby leaves Sam.

Toby and C.J. pedeconference as she reads to him the Washington Post's description of the State of the Union address: "'Sleek, challenging, and oftentimes witty,' not unlike myself." Toby seems unmoved and asks, "Who is Jack Sloan and why am I just hearing about this now?" C.J. explains who Sloan is; Toby wants to know why the guy was not vetted. She says it's because he was last-minute. He wants to know what she's doing about it. C.J. says he's doing Gottfried's show; Toby thinks it's a bad idea, saying that blacks won't react well to the administration's supporting a brutal cop. C.J. insists Sloan's not a brutal cop. She starts to walk away as Toby says, "Says you." She whirls around and replies, "Says me, a Grand Jury, two judges, the district attorney and common sense." She points out that the story will be public anyway, because Gottfried got the story on his own. Toby relents and asks where Josh is; C.J. tells him he went back to the phone banks. Toby asks whether the power's been restored; C.J. says it hasn't. Toby asks what Josh is doing there, then. C.J.: "Hoping the electricity goes on." Toby: "Well, that ought to do it." He sighs a big Toby Sigh.

At the polling centre, Josh and Donna wait in the dark. Donna, still on her perverse mission to hook Josh up with Joey, says, "Can I tell you something about women?" Josh puts his face in his hand and begs, "Oh God, please don't." Donna states, "We like to be wooed. She wants you to ask her out, Josh." Josh: "She really doesn't." Donna: "You're missing the signs." Josh: "I'm really not." Donna claims, "I know a thing or two about the ways of love." Josh says she doesn't. She insists he's missing the signs. He sure is. I wonder if he would see them if Donna stood in front of him wearing nothing but a big ribbon and a smile. Josh says he's thinking of firing Donna. She says, "You fired me twice already tonight. I'm impervious." Josh says, "Among other things," as Joey and Kenny buzz over. Joey suggests packing it in and starting over tomorrow night. Josh asks why. She points out that it's already 9:30 in California, the power isn't on, and they're missing half the window. He starts to argue but she says, very firmly, "Pack it in." Josh relents and tells the staff to call it a night. Joey and Kenny leave. Donna says, "So you have to wait another day." Josh: "I'm not good at waiting." Donna: "No kidding." She asks why he expects their internal polling to be any different from any of their other numerous forms of polling. Josh says they're asking different questions. Donna gathers up garbage and says she'll get Josh's coat. As she walks away, she adds, "By the way, right there, back when she said 'see you,' that was a sign." Josh wearily says, "You're fired." As she disappears Donna calls out, "Impervious!"

Out on the Oval Office patio, Jed 's playing chess with himself. He's still not wearing a coat. Leo is, however, as he comes out and says, "Mr. President. You understand we've got heating inside, right?" Jed replies, "This isn't cold, it's crisp." Oy, Frink says stuff like that to me. Leo says, "No, it's cold." Jed: "Well, you're a big wussy." Leo sits down to Jed and says, "Knight to King-4." Jed protests that that will leave the Bishop open. Leo says, "You're going to sacrifice the Bishop for the Queen's Rook." Jed asks where. Leo replies, "Four moves down." Jed moves several pieces and says, "Abby's pretty pissed at me." Leo asks how bad. Jed replies, "Pretty bad." Leo offers, "King's Knight-3." Jed says, "You know, I have this image in my mind of the dead soldiers coming back from Vietnam...caskets coming off the plane, but I don't know from where." Leo says, "Television." Jed asks, "The caskets coming off the plane?" Leo says, "Yeah." Jed asks, "Are they down?" Leo tells him that the Deltas landed in Tres Encinas, and Alpha moved out, and they'll be in Villacerreno at 0700. Jed adds, "Where they wait." Leo confirms this. Jed tells him he'll see him in the morning. Leo thanks him and leaves Jed rubbing his hands together in a mixture of anxiety and hypothermia, studying his chess board.

After the commercials, it's Wednesday morning. Mrs. Landingham greets Charlie as she comes into work, asking if he ever solved the mystery of the uncashed $500 cheque written by the First Lady. Charlie says that he did, explaining that Abby had written the cheque to a woman she read about in the paper, who now lives in a shelter for battered women. Mrs. Landingham guesses that the woman never chased the cheque because it was from the First Lady, and that she framed it instead. She asks whether POTUS knows that he has breakfast with Josh and Sam. Charlie says that he's on his way. He adds that it was a good mystery, and that Mrs. Landingham just solved it fast because he "loosened the ketchup bottle" for her.

As Sam and Josh wander to their breakfast meeting with POTUS, Josh tells Sam that the whole night, at the phone banks, Donna kept pestering him to ask Joey Lucas on a date. Sam says that Josh should. Josh says, "That aside, what do you make of Donna being the one pushing it?" It's as if he knows, but he won't let himself know that he knows it. Or something. Anyway, Sam says that he doesn't make anything of it. Josh asks, "You wouldn't think she'd be jealous?" Sam asks, "She goes out with guys. Are you jealous?" Josh says he isn't. Sam says, "See?" Josh states, "I don't get jealous. I don't like it...and usually do everything within my considerable capabilities to sabotage it. Which is why it's curious that Donna would do nothing to discourage and, in fact, do everything to encourage a date with Joey Lucas, who, quite frankly, is a very attractive woman." He says the last part kind of squeakily. Sam says, "Josh? You know your voice just got really high at the end of that?" Josh gives kind of a wee cough and says, "Yeah. Sorry."

POTUS arrives and thanks Josh and Sam for having breakfast with him. He asks whether they've ordered something; Sam says that they were waiting for him. POTUS hollers for Billy -- the waiter or butler or whatever this guy's position is -- and asks whether Sam and Josh want scrambled eggs. Sam says sure. POTUS orders scrambled eggs "for these guys." Billy asks whether POTUS wants anything; he says he's fine. Josh says, "Then we're fine, too." Sam and Josh insist they don't need anything; Jed waves away their objections and tells Billy, "Bring them some food, would you?" He trots off. POTUS says, "You guys understand I can't discuss with you any rescue mission that may or may not be in play right now?" Sam says of course. Josh says, "I'm assuming State has people negotiating with Nelson Guerra?" As he reads a paper, Jed replies, "Nelson Guerra wants me to tell President Santos to release Juan Aguilar from prison." Josh says, "I wouldn't make that phone call with a gun to my head." Jed says, "I have a gun to my head and I'm not making that phone call. I inherited 'War on Drugs' from a president who inherited it from a president who inherited it from a president before that. I'm not a hundred percent sure who we're fighting but I know we're not winning. Ten years ago we spent five billion dollars fighting drugs and we did such a good job that last year we spent sixteen billion. Sixty percent of federal prisoners are in jail on drug charges, as opposed to two and a half percent that are there for violent crime. We imprison a higher percentage of our citizens than Russia did under Communism and South Africa under Apartheid. Somewhere between fifty and eighty-five percent of the prison population has a drug or alcohol abuse problem. We've tried 'Just say no.' I don't think it's going to work." I'll just pause here while y'all reread that bit of dialogue; it bears repeating. ["I think POTUS just saw Traffic." -- Wing Chun] Dum de dum... [Files nails.] Okay, you're with me again? Good. POTUS checks his watch and says, "I'm mentioning this because I'd like you to give me any thoughts you might have on the subject." Sam and Josh stand up and thank him as he leaves.

Sam ambles back to his office and runs into Ainsley, whose hair is up in a very big, conservative bun; she's wearing a very nice light-brown suit and pearls. Sam asks what she's doing there; she says she came in early and that she's waited an hour for him. More or less ignoring her, Sam asks Bonnie to find out whether they're releasing the names of the kidnapped agents. He goes into his office. Ainsley says that Sam has to give her another chance at meeting the President. Sam says that she met the President last night. She objects that she was wearing a bathrobe. Sam points out that she had sat in paint. She says that she was singing and dancing. He says she was happy. Getting a little more frantic, she says, "I threw my drink up in the air!" Better than just throwing it up, I guess. Sam replies, "Yeah, but not that much of it landed on your head." She whines, "I looked like an idiot and it's your fault!" Sam wants to know how it's his fault. She accuses him of arranging the meeting against her wishes. He says, "I'm not the one who got you jumping around like Joey Heatherton." She says he has to arrange another introduction. Sam says that last night she was scared to meet the President. Ainsley replies, "And I'm still scared to meet him, but I'll overcome that in order to erase the humiliation that I've brought upon myself and my father." Her father? How the heck did he get into it? Sam says, "You are just in your own little Euripides play over there, aren't you?" Hee. She pleads with him to arrange another introduction. Sam says that he will. She seems mildly surprised and vastly relieved that he gave in so easily, thanks him, and leaves.

Seth Gillette (played by Ed Begley) and Toby are having their breakfast meeting. Gillette's complaining about Toby's not having given him a heads-up on the Blue Ribbon Commission, and on the changes to the commitments made about Social Security. Toby says that it happened five minutes before the speech, which is true, but I doubt Gillette cares. Toby points out that, as a junior senator from North Dakota, Gillette doesn't get script approval on the State of the Union. Gillette continues his dressing-down of Toby, and Toby asks, "What exactly is the danger in studying new options?" Gillette asks, "What's the danger in the White House getting behind my reform bill?" Toby replies, "Diverting general revenue into the trust funds is not reform." Gillette says that his is the only Social Security reform bill supported by any Senate Democrats. Toby asks him how many votes he got for it last year; Gillette doesn't answer the question but continues talking. Toby interjects, "Eighteen. Eighty-two U.S. senators think your reform bill sucks. So unless you have a plan for picking up a majority, I don't know what's so wrong with saying we're open to hearing new ideas." Gillette responds, "And compromise essential Democratic party principles to cut a Social Security deal with the Republicans?" Toby says, "That's simply not what we're doing." Seth gets more intense: "If your Commission recommends raising the retirement age one day, reducing benefits one dollar, reducing COLAs, if your Commission recommends partial privatization of Social Security..." Toby interjects, "Are there cameras on someplace?" Seth continues, "...I will condemn it as the act of a group intent on destroying Social Security." Toby adds, "And ruling the galaxy." Hee. Seth doesn't find it funny, though. "Oh, you think this is a joke? You think I won't publicly condemn a member of my party?" Toby calmly points out, "The President's not a member of your party. He's the leader of your party. And if you think demonizing people who are trying to govern responsibly is the way to protect our liberal base, then, speaking as a liberal, go to bed, would you, please?" Gillette pauses a moment and then accuses him, "You're running to the right on the environment." Toby says, "We admonished environmental terrorism." Seth: "Please." Toby: "You're in favour of it?" Seth replies, "It was a cheap shot, and you lost a lot of friends that night." Toby says that they made more friends than they lost. Gillette continues rambling on, "and then you go on TV this morning with this ridiculous defense of a cop who kicked the crap out of a black kid 'cause you guys don't want to admit you screwed up in the vetting, and he never should have been invited in the first place!" He pauses a moment. "Seniors, environmentalists, African-Americans...you tell me which you think has a greater chance of happening: my reform bill getting passed, or the President getting re-elected without the three groups I just named?" Toby says, "You just named three groups that will never desert the President." Gillette: "Not unless I run a third-party candidate, no. Oh, those eighteen votes are looking a lot bigger now, aren't they, you patronizing son of a bitch?" He drops his fork and wipes his mouth with his napkin. Toby's completely unruffled; he's hardly blinked. Toby doesn't say anything for a bit and then he mentions, "I was just thinking about this cartoon I once saw. A bunch of tiny fish are swimming through the leaves of a plant, but then one of the fish realizes, it's not a plant, it's the tentacles of a predator, and the fish says, 'With friends like this, who needs anemones?'" Gillette looks at Toby with a mixture of puzzlement and hostility. Toby signs the cheque for breakfast and states, "Come at us from the left, and I'm gonna own your ass." Gillette says nothing as Toby grabs his coat and leaves.

Up in the First Bedroom, Abby's packing suitcases with her assistant, Lily, and some woman who is probably Lily's assistant. Charlie comes and asks whether Abby's heading out; she says she isn't until tonight. She's going to Chicago, and then Seattle. Does she get to take Air Force One? You know, if Jed's not using it? Charlie says, "I wanted to check and see if I had your permission to draw five hundred dollars in cash and walk it over to that woman in the shelter." Abby says she appreciates that, and thanks him. He asks if there's anything else he can do for her; she says no. POTUS is just coming in as Charlie leaves. Jed remarks that she's packing already. Abby says yeah. He says, "You're not leaving until tonight, right?" She confirms that. He tries to make an amiable comment: "Men and women are completely different in this regard." She says, a little testily, "When was the last time you packed a suitcase at all?" He doesn't know. His attempts at chitchat a failure, he says, "I just had breakfast with Sam and Josh. Toby's having breakfast with Seth Gillette, who's every bit as pissed at me as you are." He kind of indicates he'd like to speak to her privately, and Lily and the other woman vamoose. He sits down on the bed and says, "We didn't get a chance to talk again last night." Abby says she doesn't think they should. Jed: "Ever?" Abby: "Oh, if wishing made it so, Jed." She says she doesn't think it's a good idea for them to talk about it right now, because he needs to focus on the crisis in Colombia. He says, "I can do two things at once!" She says firmly, "You don't have two things at once. You have ninety-two things at once, and one of them is five hostages in Colombia!" He says, "Yes, and I'd like to go about my day without this black cloud around me, so I'd like to talk now." Abby replies, "And I'm saying this is a longer conversation than that, and I don't want you all over the place and we can talk about it later and you should focus!" I've had this very argument. More than once. They're both really raising their voices now, and Jed asks with no small amount of sarcasm, "What are you, my Zen master? Can I be in charge of my own mind?" Oops, now she's really pissed. "Let me tell you something, jackass. Get as chippy as you want if that makes you feel better. I am your wife. I love you. You have a crisis. You have to deal with it. When it's done, we'll talk." Jed says quietly, "I feel better already." He leaves. Abby continues distractedly folding things.

After the commercials, it's Wednesday evening. It's raining and Josh in his office, on hold and muttering to himself about being on hold. As he paces around. He bangs the receiver a few times on his desk, and as he goes back to being on hold, says, "I'm in some hellish hold world of holding." Donna comes in and he tells her he's on hold. She says they'll call and tell them when the power's back on. He says they did call. Donna: "What happened?" Josh: "I'm on hold." She looks (even) prettier than usual somehow; her hair is nicely arranged. I think it must be the soft lighting in Josh's office. She says she'll wait with him. Josh: "That'll be a lot of fun." She ventures, "So you never told me why this poll is different." Via some back-and-forth between Donna and Josh, we learn that there are five Congressional districts (Kentucky 3rd, Louisiana 4th, Missouri 9th, Missouri 6th and Ohio 12th) which are concerning Josh, because in the speech last night, POTUS introduced a crime bill which would require a five-day waiting period to buy a gun, and the Congressmen for those five districts are sitting on the fence. Donna says, "So, you want to know how the crime package polled in those five districts. If it polled well, you've got your gun law." Josh: "Probably." Donna: "And if it tanked, you better shut up or lose five Democratic seats in the House." Josh: "Why do you ask me the question when you're gonna have the conversation all by yourself?" She offers to hold the phone for a while. He says he can hold the phone, but then gives it to her. Before she can even get it up to her ear, he whirls around and takes it from her again. He stares at her oddly. Finally he says, "Why are you trying to fix me up with Joey Lucas?" Donna pleasantly tells him she thinks they'd make a nice couple. "But not as nice as you and I would." (She just thinks this last part.) Josh doesn't seem to be buying it. He says, "Fine." Donna says, "If you got married you'd be Joshua and Josephine Lucas-Lyman and you wouldn't have to get your towels re-monogrammed." That'd pretty much seal the deal for me, right there. Josh thanks the person on the other end of the phone; the power's back on. Donna asks, "What do we do now?" Josh says, "We wait."

Ainsley wanders into the Communications area and passes C.J., who casually says, "How are you doing, Ainsley?" Ainsley, ever dignified, replies, "My mouth is dry, my hands are moist and I have to pee." C.J.: "Thanks for the TMI." No, really she just says "okay," and keeps walking. Sam comes along and asks her if she's ready. She says she is. He asks her if she's sure; she very confidently says yes again. Sam says, "Let's go." She says, following him, "Call it off." Sam says, "Here we go." They go back and forth on this; Ainsley suggests tomorrow would be a better time. Sam asks mildly, "Don't you have to absolve yourself of the humiliation visited upon your family and the House of Atreus?" Bwa! Funniest line in the whole show, to me. Maybe I took too much Latin in high school. Ainsley says, "Yes, but I believe I'm going to compound the humiliation." Sam: "It'll never happen." Ainsley says, "Really?" Sam: "No, it probably will." These two ricochet between crackling sexual chemistry and older brother/younger sister friction. It's interesting.

Sam runs into Leo at this point and asks, "Is he coming?" Leo says, "He's stopping in on his way from the thing." Leo's distracted, reading a document, as they all go into his office. Ainsley stands quietly, trying to gather her nerve and a modicum of dignity. Leo notices her existence and says, "How ya doin', Ainsley?" She responds, "I'm concerned about peeing on your carpet." Apparently, in the House of Atreus, nothing was considered a higher virtue than utter frankness. Leo replies, "Okay. Well, now I am, too." He looks around in vain for a rolled-up newspaper with which to swat her on her cold wet nose in the event of the threatened micturition. Sam says, "Tell her it's going to be fine." Instead, Leo astutely points out: "Your skirt's on backwards." Ainsley asks if she can use his bathroom. Leo says yes. She thanks him and walks into a closet, and Leo tries to stop her, but at that moment POTUS arrives. Jed asks, "Is she here?" Sam says she is. Jed asks, "Well, where is she?" Sam says, "Well, she's in the closet, Mr. President." Jed kind of looks around and asks, "Why?" Sam explains she thought it was the bathroom. Jed asks, "Why is she still in there?" Sam replies, "That's kind of hard to say, sir." Jed: "Why don't we get her out here?" Sam calls to Ainsley, who replies, "Yes?" Jed says, "Ainsley, why don't you come on out of there?" She slips out. Jed says, "How ya doin'? We met last night." They shake hands. "You were singing and dancing in a bathrobe." Ainsley says, "Yes, sir." He asks, "Why were you in the closet." Ainsley, Queen of TMI: "I had to pee." Jed: "They won't let me smoke inside, but you can pee in Leo's closet?" Ainsley starts to say something, but Jed continues, "I appreciate you coming to work for me, Ainsley. You're an exceptionally bright young woman. Is your father proud of you?" Ainsley pauses, smiles modestly and replies, "Yes, sir." Jed: "I'll bet he is." There's a phone call and Leo gives Jed a meaningful nod. Leo indicates to Sam that he should hustle Ainsley on out of there. Thank God for the crisis in Colombia, or Ainsley surely would have found a way to embarrass herself further.